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Month: September 2009

There is no Beyonce, only Zool.

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I have blogged in the past about Beyonce’s terrifying dance habits. A commenter recently reminded me of that post:

“I have to say, Beyonce is indeed frightening… I’m pretty sure all the thrashing she does would be fatal to anyone else. I don’t know how she does it, and I don’t mean that as a compliment.”

That wasn’t the whole thing, I’m rocking movie-poster review style. Anyway, it remembered me of the fact that Beyonce has a new video out. How could I not share it with you, and include commentary?

The beginning of the video gives us Beyonce floating, Dana Barret style, above her bed, while a creepy lullaby plays. The Holy Spirit makes an appearance, too, but he’s hauling ass to get out of there before the Prince-inspired guitars take over. Then, we’re into the song proper. Beyonce demands that someone “turn the lights on,” despite the fact that she’s standing in a desert, under a rainbow. Silly Beyonce, if the lights weren’t already on, how would that rainbow be there? Don’t you know that rainbows are the product of light refracting and reflecting off of moisture in the air? Rainbows are light!

For a few seconds, Beyonce dances solo and backward, and the effect almost makes me expect King Leonidas to show up and ask if he can has war now. Instead, a couple of the mannequins from the Robert Palmer video show up, and they join Beyonce in her orgy of spastic movement. Honestly, I’m not quite sure what they’re trying to accomplish. It seems like she’s trying to portray the lyrics through modern interpretive dance, but also finger spell things without quite knowing the alphabet.

Next up is the Beyonce fashion show. Capes are gonna be big this fall. Also, a word to America’s Next Top Model contestants: do as Beyonce and lead with your chest.

At this point, Beyonce delivers on her terrifying promise to begin violently dancing without warning. To my horror, this involves a lot of grabbing of private areas and demonstration of hip motion that she will probably not be able to do in five years without surgical intervention, if she keeps it up.

Another costume change appeases the hungry goddess Beyonce, and she seems almost cheerful during the next verse, waving at the camera and even, wait, no, it couldn’t be… is she… SHE IS! BEYONCE IS SMILING!

Now, Beyonce visits a hall of mirrors, which one can only assume she rented from Tyra Banks’s house. She grinds against herself and delivers a few lines to herself while directing sultry gazes at herself and wait, was this DIRECTED by Tyra Banks?

The mirrors shatter, and Beyonce dances as glass shards whip through the air. Which probably explains what happened to her shirt.

At the bridge, C-3PO’s hot sister takes over dancing duties, but unfortunately, she’s just as graceful as her big brother. Which is okay, because then Beyonce comes back from her coffee-and-get-glass-out-of-my-eyes break. She seems to have forgotten her pants, but that doesn’t stop her from flashing crotch in yet another, seemingly spontaneous, deviation from all sense and reason to rub her chest and thrust her hips. She also does a few dance moves that are fair game now that Michael Jackson is dead, and it’s back to She-3PO.

Remember that giant metal glove thing Beyonce was rocking in her video about how if you like it, then you should have put a giant, medieval gauntlet ring on it? Well, now she’s doing like, two of those, and chest armor, and I’m thinking that if she isn’t a robot already, she’s trying to become one.

Basically, what I’m saying is, don’t look into her eyes there at the end, because she’s probably using her robot hypno ray to enslave human kind, and I will not be forced into some kind of robot death camp where I’m forced to dance like that.

Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From Fantasy Movies

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It’s true. Everything I ever need to know about life, I have learned from fantasy movies. For example, without The Dark Crystal, I would never have known that birds are fucking evil. And without Labyrinth, I would have taken a lot longer to realize how awesome David Bowie is. So, without further ado, here is a list of things I have learned from Fantasy movies:


  • Be careful what you wish for, because you just might get it, and then you’ll realize that you’re way too young to handle it and also it is probably just a tube sock. (Labyrinth>
  • Never run from from anything immortal; it only attracts its attention. (The Last Unicorn)
  • You know that guy you think is so hot? He’s going to grow up to be Tom Cruise crazy. (Legend)
  • Every situation can be fixed with a well-timed dance number and a chipper, upbeat song. (Enchanted)
  • Death is something you’re going to be able to pretty easily bargain your way out of.(Darby O’Gil and The Little People)
  • There is no way to make roller skating look cool. (Xanadu)
  • Evictions are a bitch. (The Secret of NIMH)
  • When all else fails, pretend to be Swedish. (Splash)
  • When that fails, pretend there is an imminent gas main explosion. (Ghostbusters 2)
  • Don’t worry, no matter what you do, you’ll probably never fuck up as bad at anything as Disney did at this. (The Black Cauldron)
  • Your English teacher CLEARLY did not watch this movie before she brought it to class. (Excalibur)
  • True love really can conquer all, but you have to have a whole team of people working on it. (Ladyhawke)
  • Wolves, lions, it really doesn’t matter because both of them will eat you. (Le Pact Des Loups)
  • Fucking rabbits. (Harvey/Donnie Darko)
  • No one will notice how racist your movies are if you make a Holocaust movie and a slave-mutiny movie back-to-back a few years later. (Any of the original Indiana Jones movies)
  • Wizards are just like bombs. They even have remote detonators (Dragonslayer)
  • What is this I don’t even… (Clash of The Titans)
  • Just because you imagine yourself as the hero of a really exciting book doesn’t mean you aren’t still a total nerd in real life. (The Neverending Story)
  • There can be only one. Until later. Then, there can be another one. Possibly three or four. (Highlander, the entire series and tv shows)
  • The afterlife is going to be a lot like the DMV, so be sure to die with a magazine in your hand. (Beetlejuice)
  • Cary Elwes is a badass mother fucker, even if he does have a girl’s name. (The Princess Bride)
  • Size doesn’t matter, little people are capable of great things, whatever, what is up with Sorcha’s hair? (Willow)

Feel free to add to this list, in the comments.