Look, I’ve got theatre tickets tonight in Chicago, so let’s cut right to the chase and get this over with, shall we?
Episode six picks up with a rehash/revisit of Elena realizing that Stefan is a vampire… or not realizing it, because she shows up at his house just as he’s leaving with a wooden stake. I thought he was going to go find Damon and take care of business, but really, he was heading for his flashback. Through the magic of Stefan’s tortured memory, we are transported back to the Salvatore plantation in the nineteenth century, where Stefan has clearly raided Ashley Wilkes’s wardrobe. Elena Catherine emerges from a carriage in a dress that shows way too much skin for the afternoon. There isn’t time to explain why she’s there before the title card came up.
Back at the Salvatore’s twenty-first century Gothic cathedral of a home, Elena asks Stefan what he is. I was expecting him to say, “Looking for my brother, and you’re in my way!” but he doesn’t. If I wrote the show, he would have. There also would have been a lot less “What are you?” back and forth in this scene. Stefan insists that she already knows, and Elena responds by turning into Luke Skywalker clinging to that pole over the chasm in the end of The Empire Strikes Back. “No! You can’t be! That’s impossible!” I’m not kidding, that is, if not a direct quote, at least pretty close to what she said. I wouldn’t lie to you. Stefan warns Elena, “every belief you have is about to change,” (What, she won’t be Presbyterian anymore?) and tells her he’s a vampire. Elena, showing a lot more sense than some of the other people in Mystic Falls, decides it’s not cool to be standing in the dark, alone, with a vampire, and she runs. In an attempt to calm her fears and prove he’s not threatening, Stefan uses magic vampire speed to block her exit and physically restrains her. Of course, she asks, “How did you do that,” and he doesn’t say, “Vampire! Duh!” because, again, I don’t write this show. Elena gets in her car and drives irresponsibly away, which is okay, because Stefan really needs to deal with the Damon problem right now, anyway.
When Elena gets home, she finds Jeremy sitting, nearly catatonic in the wake of his break up with Vicki. For once, she has bigger problems, and decides to ignore him. When she goes to her room, though, Stefan is there. Again, he insists that she’s safe with him, the vampire who has now broken into her house and ambushed her in her room. Also, didn’t he really want to eat her when they were in the kitchen in episode five? I just watched it yesterday, I’m pretty sure that’s what happened. Elena agrees not to tell anyone that Stefan is a vampire if he gets his creepy ass out of her room. Stefan, figuring that’s a good deal, goes to deal with Damon. Right? Right?
Or not. Damon is busy finishing off Vicki’s cemetery pals, and he decides to multitask by drenching the bodies in gasoline while threatening Stefan over the return of his sunlight-protection ring. He also goes straight for the guilt trip jugular by telling Stefan that the deaths of all the people he’s about to dispose of in a raging forest fire are on his head, since he was the one who locked Damon up and starved him. And really, he has a point. That wasn’t going to go well, everyone could tell. Stefan tells Damon that he’d given the ring to Zach to keep, so Damon shouldn’t have killed him. OH REALLY? So, Zach is dead, huh? I guess I called it in the last recap. Damon isn’t buying the Zach story, keeps threatening Stefan, then hangs up in time to notice that Vicki is still alive.
Taking yet another page from Twilight, Stefan lurks outside Elena’s window and watches her sleep. Appropriately sad music plays.
When Elena wakes up, we’re treated to a weird cutscene of vigorous tooth brushing before she meets Stefan at a cafe to discuss his vampirism. If you’re going to talk about being a vampire, you really want to do it in public, where everyone in your small town that is full of vampire hunters can hear. Stefan gives Elena a run down of the vampire rules and some plot stuff the audience already knows, then explains that there used to be vampires in Mystic Falls, but it didn’t end well. Probably because of the secret cabal of vampire hunters. Elena is still unsure about him, and basically says she’s going to tell everyone about his vampness, but Stefan asks her to give him one day before she blabs her mouth, so that he can try to explain everything.
At the cemetery, Newsman and Sheriff-mom traipse through the crime scene, commenting on the bad smell of the bodies (just in case you thought charred corpses smelled like jelly beans; they don’t) and comment that the bodies will have to be identified by their dental records. Newsman asks how he’s going to explain to television viewers that the “animal” is now incinerating the bodies of the people he attacks. I would go with “Dragon,” but again, I don’t write the show, or the news on the show. They decide to call it a “drug deal gone wrong.” Jesus, really wrong. They talk about how Newsman stole the watch, and then they find Vicki’s wallet and hope she’s not dead.
Meanwhile, at Castle Salvatore, Damon is bored and calling Stefan’s cell over and over to leave threatening messages. This is how he’s going to act when you break up with him, ladies. Vicki is dying on the couch, so Damon decides to force her to drink his blood. That’s what you do when you’ve got a dying, burnt-out townie drenched in gasoline on your sofa, right?
Stefan takes Elena to the woods to reenact a scene from Twilight. Just kidding. He wants to show her the foundations of his former home. He tells her that he and Damon used to be best friends, and in another flashback, we see Damon teaching Stefan how to play football, before Cathlena runs in and steals the ball. In the present, Elena does the math and figures out that it’s been 145 years since that ill-fated football game. In the next flashback, we learn that Damon was a Confederate soldier, and both Stefan and Damon wanted to escort Cathlena to the Founders’ Ball. Which was where they both signed the register that Elena saw in episode four. Stefan tells Elena that he ended up taking Cathlena to the ball, and that Damon doesn’t get mad, he gets even. Stefan is quick with the cliches in this episode, let me tell you.
After a shower, Vicki is feeling pretty good. Except the part where she can’t remember anything. Damon whammies her, but he tells her the absolute truth: he killed her friends, tried to kill her, brought her back to his place and fed her blood, and she loved it. Okay, so maybe half the truth, because she definitely didn’t look like she was loving it. Damon decides that they’re going to “party until the sun goes down.” I assume that once the sun goes down, he’s got other things to do.
Still rehashing his old relationship, Stefan tells Elena that Catherine wasn’t content with just one brother. She pulled a double shift the night of the Founders’ Ball (if you get my innuendo) and bit both Stefan and Damon, but swore both of them to secrecy. Cathlena tells Stefan, in a flashback, that she has plans for all three of them. I’m guessing that plan involves fundamentalist Mormons. Elena wants Stefan to keep Damon’s ring, because, understandably, she’s not thrilled about him roaming the streets of Mystic Falls after he’s killed so many campers. Stefan warns that if he doesn’t return the ring, Damon will come after Elena.
The secret vampire hunter club meets at the Mayor’s house, where he tells Sheriff-mom and Newsman that he wants this whole murder business cleaned up as quickly as possible. Then, they do something with Jeremy’s stolen watch and they all agree that their evening has been very constructive.
Vicki is dancing around in her underpants at the Salvatore mansion while she whines about her relationships with Tyler and Jeremy. At least she’s not doing drugs, right? Damon realizes that she’s talking about Jeremy, Elena’s brother, which is probably not good information to have. Damon tells her that he’s been in love before, he understands, or something, and then they start dancing again and trashing Stefan’s room. Damon finds a picture of Cathlena and gets very sad, then slow dances with Vicki to a Green Day song while she whines about her life. Really, this is all happening in the same scene. This is reality, folks. Damon realizes that Vicki’s life is pathetic, because he went to the Elena Gilbert School For Not Having A Clue, and compliments Vicki on her lack of self-esteem right before he snaps her neck and kills her. Seriously, Damon? How many times are you going to kill this girl?
Vicki doesn’t stay dead for long. Because she drank Damon’s blood, she wakes up confused and scared, just like the old Vicki. Damon suggests she feed, because P.S. she’s a vampire now, and tells her she should stop by Jeremy’s house to do so. Vicki rejects this idea, and runs off, still confused and scared.
Sheriff-mom instructs Newsman and Mayor on how to use the watch like a vampire-finding compass, but asks them to not kill anything before she gets there. Then, she shows them who has the balls in this cabal by asking, “Have you ever staked a vampire before?” clearly indicating that she has.
Despite having declined Damon’s suggestion that she eat her boyfriend, Vicki shows up at Jeremy’s house tweaking like crazy and complaining about the sun burning her eyes. She’s super hungry, and raids the Gilbert fridge while Jeremy lectures her about it being too early in the day to be high. He’s right, it’s totally inappropriate. Wait, wasn’t he getting high in the school bathroom before first period on the very first day. But whatever, he’s changed. He’s a morally superior drug user now. Vicki thinks he’s being too loud (and probably annoying with his holier-than-thou attitude) and busts through the Gilbert leftovers like Aunt Jenna after a bad date. Wait, where’s Aunt Jenna when all of this is going on? I know she’s not with Newsman. He’s vampire hunting.
Back at the foundations of the ancient Salvatore homestead, Elena asks Stefan if he’d ever used mind control on her. He denies ever having done it, and explains that her Vervain necklace will protect her from the vampire whammy. He asks her to never stop wearing it, because he wants her to know that whatever happens between them, she’s making her own choices. That’s actually kind of sweet, Stefan. Edward needs to take some pointers from you about not controlling your girlfriend’s life.
Matt, apparently alerted by Jeremy the narc, comes to collect his sister, who is still having a manic episode. Vicki tells Matt that her gums hurt, and then sees on the news that all of her very best cemetery pals are dead. Matt and Jeremy freak, probably because they think Vicki killed all those people in her manic state. Matt is about to call the cops when Stefan and Elena arrive, and Stefan whammies Vicki to get her calmed down. He tells Elena that Vicki is “transitioning,” which is always the worst part of labor and that if she doesn’t feed, she’ll die. The worst part is, she only has a few hours. Elena realizes that this means Stefan ate somebody once. She’s not impressed.
Upstairs, Matt lurks outside of Jeremy’s room and watches Jeremy and Vicki hugging, which turns into Vicki wanting to eat Jeremy. She resists her strange compulsion and runs away, managing to make it out of the house before anyone can stop her. Matt runs after her, and Stefan tells Elena that he’ll “track her.”
After a shot of a full moon to signal that night has fallen, we see Mayor strolling through the woods, frowning at his vampire compass. He thinks he gets a hit from it, and calls Sheriff-mom and Newsman, who are also in the woods (without a compass, hoping they’ll just run into a vampire).
As Jeremy and Elena clean up from dinner, Elena lies her ass off about Vicki being “just fine,” and goes to answer the knock at the door. It’s Damon, and he barges in, able to enter the house because of Elena’s earlier invitation. Realizing that Elena knows he’s a vampire, he reassures her that he doesn’t plan on killing her “right now,” and asks where Stefan is. He also says that Vicki will thank him for turning her, and Elena gets a pretty good zinger in when she asks, “Did you thank Catherine?” Wicked burn!
Stefan finds Vicki in the forest, where she has remembered everything that has ever happened and been whammied away. Stefan offers a lame, “Sorry,” and then informs Vicki that she’s going to die if she doesn’t feed on a human. Resigned to her fate, Vicki chooses just to go home and die. Stefan is about to take her there when he’s shot, and collapses to the ground. The Mayor is about to stake him when Damon flies in from out of nowhere and rips the Mayor’s throat out, saving Stefan’s life. Sure, he says it’s because he wants to kill Stefan himself, but Damon is showing a lot more compassion than Stefan ever showed toward him. Damon digs the bullet out of Stefan’s wound and finds that it’s wood, so this was definitely a premeditated vampire hunter attack. Damon gets his ring back, and I think he might take Stefan’s, too, or maybe the watch, it’s hard to tell because the filming of this show is so dark, and Vicki feeds off Mayor while he’s down, then runs off into the night.
Stefan limps back to Elena’s house and tells her what went down with Vicki. Promising to help her brother’s newly vampire girlfriend isn’t enough for Elena, who dumps Stefan right there. You know, it’s not very nice to dump someone while they’re bleeding from a gunshot wound. Bad form, Elena. The episode closes with some sad music (like usual) and Elena crying.
Now, I’m off to see Nathan Lane and Bebe Neuwirth in The Addams Family the musical!