Alright, I skipped a couple days in my snark fest. That just means I’ll have to work the weekend, to get every episode snarked before the week of 100 pages.
Episode seven teaches us that no matter how “pathetic” your life is, the only sympathy you can expect from anyone is a violent, gory death, and possibly dismemberment in an attempt to hide your corpse.
Someone drops Tyler off in a parking lot, where he walks to his car and finds Vampire Vicki already inside. Tyler spouts off a huge infodump about how everyone is looking for her because of all the bodies they found in the woods and the cops want to talk to her and also, everyone assumed she was on a bender. Which is kind of a safe assumption with Vicki. Vicki tells Tyler that she’s “so hungry,” and Tyler, a sucker for messed up chicks, holds her close. And of course, we all know what happens next. Stefan and Damon show up to pull Vicki off of Tyler, and Damon debates whether or not he could kill Tyler and get away with it. Tyler isn’t so hip to this jive, and punches Damon. In retaliation, Damon whammies him and throws him halfway across the parking lot. So, Tyler gets up, sore and scraped, with no memory of what happened to him, in the parking lot alone. I’m guessing he’ll know that Vicki had something to do with it when he gets back in his car and smells Candies and failure.
For some reason, every single episode must feature Elena waking up right after the title card. At least, it seems like it. She goes into the bathroom without knocking and is stunned, stunned, I tell you, to find Jeremy there. WTF is up with Elena just barging into the bathroom the way she does? Aren’t there two other people living in the house with her? Scratch that, one, because AJ hasn’t been around much lately. Jeremy is planning to go on the search party to find Vicki, but Elena really thinks he needs to go to school instead. Look, Elena, it’s hard to get this kid to go to school on a normal day. Why would he go now that his girlfriend is missing?
An outdoor shot of the school indicates that the Mystic Falls High mascot is the werewolves. Seriously? The werewolves? I bet the chamber of commerce sign when you’re heading into town says, “Mystic Falls: A good place to be mauled by some sort of supernatural creature.” Inside, Matt gets a call from Vicki, who tells him that she’s okay, and not to worry about her. Of course, this is only going to make him worry more.
Vicki is cooped up at Salvatore manor with Damon and Stefan. If I were Stefan, I probably wouldn’t want my brother around when I was trying to teach a new vampire ethics. If I were Damon, I probably wouldn’t want to be around my brother after he threw me in a dungeon. But family relationships are complicated. Stefan tells Vicki that she can’t go home, because she’s even more dangerous and unpredictable now that she’s a vampire, and Damon laments the fact that the papers aren’t covering the murder of the guy who I thought was the mayor, but I guess he wasn’t, in the forest. It’s a cover up, he’s sure, and he fiddles with the Gilbert family watch for a while and informs the other vampires that they should all be worried about discovery. There is some tired back and forth between the brothers about whether or not Vicki should kill a human and eat them. I’ll let you guess which side which brother is on.
Elena comes to visit Stefan, like you always do right after you break up with someone, but finds Damon at the door. He doesn’t get why she isn’t afraid of him, and she informs him that she knows “if you wanted me dead, I would be.” He counters with, “Yes, you would,” and she bravely replies, “But I’m not,” right before he says, “Yet,” which shakes her confidence a little. Elena confronts Stefan on the staircase. She’s pissed off that everyone is looking for Vicki and she has to lie about knowing where she is. Stefan explains that, because Vicki was a drug user, her transformation will be extra difficult. Jesus, could they demonize people with drug addictions any harder in this show? Not only will doing drugs turn you into a vampire, you’re also going to be an extra horrible one. Don’t do drugs!
At Bonnie’s Grandma Mimi’s house (just kidding, y’all, it’s not Mimi, it’s Jasmine Guy. No, really, Jasmine Guy is playing grandmothers now.), Bonnie asks if any of her ancestors were “burned at Salem.” Instead of smacking her right in the head for being so fucking dumb (the accused “witches” were not burned, but hanged–and, in one case, pressed– to death), grandma informs her that all of “those girls” were innocent victims. Bonnie says that “everyone knows” that her grandmother is a witch, and grandma Jasmine explains that while it’s kind of an open secret, no one really believes she could be a witch because they don’t believe witches exist. They think she’s just a crazy old woman “teaching occult” at the university. What university? Hogwarts? Bonnie insists on getting to the “fun” part of witchcraft, which I assume involves setting a car on fire, because all she’s been learning is history. Given the sketchy facts grandma has been giving her, it’s probably good that she teaches “occult” and not history at that there university. Grandma admonishes Bonnie that it’s not fun to be a witch, and with great power comes great responsibility, etc.
The mayor, who is either not dead as previously reported, or is not the dude that died in the forest, is sitting with his wife at the Mystic Grill. They’re discussing the watch in secrety tones, which will alert all passers by to the fact that they’re talking about something secret, so everyone better listen in. And listen in Damon does. Seriously, though, I thought the mayor was dead. All the actors on this show look alike.
Mystic Falls High is getting decked out for Halloween, and Matt tells Tyler that Vicki is okay, even though she’s still missing. Tyler is taken aback when he realizes that he didn’t bother to ask about Vicki or care that she was missing… either Tyler is an incredible douche, or the whammy is working too well. Caroline brings Bonnie her Halloween costume (a witch, get it?) and gives her a nifty matching necklace: the crystal that Damon stole from the mayor’s house. Bonnie recognizes it as the necklace Damon gave Caroline. Caroline tells her that she can do whatever she wants with it, because she doesn’t want any reminders of Damon.
In the great hall of Salvatore Castle, Stefan is explaining to Vicki that caffeine is a vampire’s friend, because it opens their blood vessels and makes them feel warm. Okay, we’ll go with that. Vicki is soooo not interested in Stefan’s morality. She jumps up from her, “How to pretend to be human” lessons and runs off, stating that she has to pee, though she’s confused as to why because she “thought I was dead?” Yeah, we’re all wondering about that, too, Vicki. Stefan goes… somewhere, leaving Elena to wander around castle Dracula for a while. Vicki comes back immediately and says that her body is all screwed up, she doesn’t really have to pee. Which means that Stefan knew that and left her alone with Elena? Nice move. It doesn’t go well, because Elena picks exactly that moment to tell Vicki that she’s not allowed to see Jeremy anymore. And, she’s really, really condescending about it. Vicki is not having Elena’s bullshit. She crushes her windpipe and tells her that since she strung Matt along for all those years, then dumped him for Stefan, Vicki isn’t the biggest Elena fan and needs absolutely no inducement to rip her head off. Then, she dumps Elena on the floor as Stefan re-enters. Elena flips out, but I have to be honest, I’m not really on her side. Imagine if someone was trying to kick heroine cold turkey, and you picked right then to tell them about their wrong life choices. Elena got what she was asking for. Stefan basically sticks up for Vicki, but agrees that Vicki shouldn’t see Jeremy. Elena doesn’t like not being 100% agreed with, tells Stefan that she can’t take anymore, then leaves.
Suddenly, it’s night-time. Vicki asks Damon why he turned her, and his response is, “I was bored.” Vicki is bored, too, so Damon decides it’s totally a good idea to take her outside and show her how to run really fast. No, really. This happens, and Stefan totally lets it happen. Of course, she runs away, and goes straight back home, where she finds that, owing to the vampire rule of no-invitation-you-no-come-in-here, she can’t get inside until her dumb brother invites her in. Matt is pissed, like everyone else, about Vicki’s disappearance. Just in case no one has mentioned that yet. Vicki disappeared. Stefan shows up to collect her, and in a moment of sheer brilliance (that leads to her utter destruction, but whatever), Vicki makes it seem like Stefan is totally stalking her. Dumb, protective Matt makes like he’s going to kick Stefan’s ass, and Stefan has no choice but to leave.
Even though his girlfriend is missing and he’s totally bummed about it, Elena thinks Jeremy needs to go to the party at school to snap out of his funk. To up the fun factor, she gives him the exact same, “Let her go,” speech that she gave Vicki. Jeremy throws her a c-c-c-combo breaker by telling her that Vicki helped him get over his depression following their parents’ deaths. Take that, Elena. Vicki texts Jeremy and tells him to meet her at the school. Elena doesn’t question why her brother suddenly wants to go to the Halloween shindig.
At the party at school, kids are drinking alcohol openly. Good job, PTA! Tyler glides up in a cape and no shirt, I guess his costume is “Chippendale Dracula” or something, and tries to impress Vicki and Bonnie, who are both dressed like witches. You see, Bonnie’s costume is literal, and Caroline’s is figurative.
At the Mystic Grill, the not-dead mayor and his wife are getting smashed before going to the school Halloween party. God, I hope they’re not chaperons. If they are, though, that explains what’s going down at the school right now. When Not Dead leaves because his wife is drinking too much and embarrassing him, Damon swoops in to flirt with Mrs. Mayor. He tries to whammy her, but she is unwhammiable. It turns out Mrs. Mayor knew Zach (who Damon says is “out of town,”). He supplied her with the Vervain she’s been using to keep herself safe from vampire influence. Oh ho, whatcha gonna do now, Damon?
Elena and Jeremy show up to the school dressed as a sexy nurse and the unibomber, I guess. Matt gives Jeremy a hard time about not wearing a costume, which is pretty dickish, considering his girlfriend has been missing on and off for the past few days. Jeremy takes off looking for Vicki, and Matt tells Elena that Vicki has not only come to the party, but she’s also dressed as a sexy vampire. Does no one in this town have an imagination? Apparently, they don’t have common sense, either, because Vicki decides that the best place to be when craving human blood is a party with a whole bunch of people at it. The disorienting lighting and music really help the situation, and we’re treated to shots of Vicki staggering around looking at people’s necks until Stefan shows up to tell her “No! No fun on my watch, druggie!” Or something.
Back at the good old Mystic Grill, the mayor’s wife asks Damon if she can get a mess of Vervain for everyone she knows, and all the people on the council. Damon tries be attracted by her older-woman charms, which is probably damned hard, considering she’s dressed as a flapper girl with too much makeup on, but she’s so drunk that it doesn’t take much to be convinced. She rattles off her life story like Damon is Oprah or something, tells him all about the council and how the Founders Party was a trap to see who would show up in the daylight and who wouldn’t. Which means that since Damon and Stefan both showed up in the sunlight, they’re off the list of possible vampire suspects. Just a tip, if you’re going to form a secret council, do not, and I repeat, do not put Mrs. Mayor on that council. A little vodka and the promise of seduction is all she needs to sell her own grandmother down the river.
At the school, Vicki gets as tired of Stefan’s self-righteous and hypocritical passion play as the audience is, and causes a scene in front of Matt to make it look like Stefan is still stalking her. While Matt and Stefan are distracted by almost beating the shit out of each other, Vicki takes off. Stefan manhandles Matt, and while I was yelling, “Just kiss him already,” Stefan says, “I’m trying to help her!.” Yeah, well, she doesn’t want your help. And you and Matt were real close to making out in your passionate hatred. Just saying.
Vicki finds Jeremy, and then they wander into… THE DRUID ROOM. I am not exaggerating, at the sight of the little sign that said “The Druid Room,” I freaked out. That’s how desperate I am for some indication that the writers of the show read the books at all. They threw me a crumb with the druid room, and I devoured it like the delicious morsel it was. Now, if this were the (far superior to the series) book, Mr. Tanner would be lying, freshly murdered, on a stone altar inside, but since this isn’t the book and Mr. Tanner has been dead for a while, that doesn’t happen.
Instead, we get a scene in which Damon confronts Bonnie about the necklace he gave Caroline, which Bonnie is wearing as part of her costume. She refuses, and suggests a number of ways in which the necklace could be given to a third party and then given back to Damon, which seems like a lot of work. Damon thinks it sounds like a lot of work, too, and tries to just take it. Because of Bonnie’s secret witch powers, the thing burns Damon’s hand, and Bonnie takes off, because she realizes something is either up with her, or Damon, or the necklace, or something.
While Stefan and Elena look for Vicki and Jeremy in a room full of people and flashing blacklight, Jeremy and Vicki make out up against a bus outside. It’s your every romantic fantasy coming true, ladies. Vicki bites Jeremy’s lip, and tastes his blood. But of course, a little taste isn’t enough, and Jeremy pushes her away. She’s hot, but this is too weird, even for him. He pushes her away, and sees her scary, veiny vamp face. Seeing that she’s not going to get anymore out of him willingly, Vicki grabs Jeremy and bites him, just as Elena comes outside. She tries to stop Vicki, and gets vamp!slammed into a pile of wood pallets. While she’s laying in a crumpled heap, Stefan appears and tells Jeremy to run. Vicki has already gone, and while Stefan looks under the buses (because everyone knows that’s where rogue vampires hide), Elena and Jeremy run for the school. Before they can get inside, Vicki grabs Elena and tries to make good on her promise to rip her head off– but she does that with her teeth, and while she’s distracted, Stefan stakes the hell out of her. Vicki does the whole “stagger back in disbelief and pull out the weapon jutting from your body,” routine that she learned at the Alan Rickman School of Lingering Death Scenes, then crumples to the ground, looking pretty darned dead. Stefan calls in Damon to ask for help with the situation, which seems like kind of a dumb thing to get someone evil involved in.
Bonnie shows up at Grandma Jasmine’s doorstep, seven kind of perplexed about the necklace. The “piece of junk” she thought was costume jewelry actually belonged to a legendary witch, one of Bonnie’s ancestors, who happens to look exactly like Bonnie in a suspiciously clear photo from a hundred years ago or something.
Damon shows up to help dispose of Vicki’s body, and Elena is pissed off that he doesn’t care more. Because this is the first time they’ve met, apparently. Damon has enough on his plate right now, and he doesn’t need to deal with Elena, so he reminds her that she has gaping wounds bleeding everywhere and she needs to get out of there. On the way to her car, Elena is intercepted by Matt, who is looking for Vicki, and Elena has to lie. She probably should have just said, “She’s over there, dead,” because it’s only going to be worse when the truth comes out. He wants to know if there will ever be a time that he’s not worrying about Vicki. Yeah, there will be. Pretty soon, actually. Elena plays it off and goes to her car to cry, after blaming her gory wounds on someone spilling face blood on her. Which means that Matt’s doctor costume is not an indication of a promising future career, because he believes her.
Stefan is waiting for Elena on the porch, and tells her that Jeremy is upstairs. She goes up to find him understandably freaked. Wait, where is AJ? Why hasn’t she noticed that her house has been crawling with vampires of late? Matt gets home and looks for Vicki, Stefan tells Elena that he only wanted to help Vicki, and Elena asks Damon to whammy Jeremy to forget about Vicki. Poor Vicki. No good deed, huh? Damon is surprisingly sensitive, hinting at a deep well of emotion causing him to be evil, and Elena and Stefan get back together.
This was actually a pretty decent episode. It’s like the show is finally finding its feet.