I’m not ashamed to say that when I find a movie or a TV show I love, I bully pretty much everyone I know into watching the same thing. Well, no. Scratch that. There are some things I know certain friends will never be into- I’m never going to marathon Adventure Time with my friend Cristin, for example, but D-Rock totally has me covered- so I make my recommendations/pleas/demands based on what I think people will like.
Hey, you know what my friend, erotic romance author Bronwyn Green, likes? SHIT THAT WILL MAKE HER CRY. So, when I watched A Royal Affair, a movie about Caroline Mathilda of Denmark and that time her boyfriend kind of took over the monarchy and stuff, I was like, “This is right up Bronwyn’s alley.
I was originally going to write a short review and tell all of you guys to watch this movie if you haven’t already, but what follows here is the transcript of our IMs as I forced Bronwyn to watch the movie and suffer as I suffered. I think it stands as a better testament of why you have to watch this thing.
It also gives you a pretty good example of why you never, ever, EVER, give me your IM name.
(I don’t know why I’m including a spoiler warning here, because the movie is sort of loosely based on events that took place in actual European history over two-hundred years ago, but, you know. SPOILERS or whatever.)
Jenny: AND OMG NETFLIX STREAM THE FUCK OUT OF A ROYAL AFFAIR. I’m not even fucking around, you have to watch this movie.
Bronwyn: I’m getting nothing else done today…
Jenny: Then it is a perfect day for Danish movies. TRAGIC DANISH ROMANCE. MADS MIKKELSEN. PONYTAIL.
Bronwyn: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH I’m in!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
A short time later…
Bronwyn: This is like costume porn!!!! MADS IS ON A HORSE!!!!!
Jenny: HE’S TOTALLY ON A HORSE! AND HE FENCES, TOO! AND THEY DANCE BRONWYN! THEY DANCE!
Bronwyn: This is going to make me cry, isn ‘t it?
Jenny: Yes. Big, snotty sobs. I took a break toward the end, because I was like, “Pump the brakes, Dr. Struensee!” and I was like, “Let me mentally prepare myself.”
Bronwyn: DANCING!!!!!
Jenny: DANCING! That scene was suuuuuuuuper hot. I think the dancing scene in that movie has replaced the dancing scene in the 2005 pride and prejudice as my all time favorite sexual tension dancing scene.
Bronwyn: It was AMAZING!!!! Seriously fucking hot and makes me want to write a historical.
Another short time later…
Bronwyn: Mads just told Chistian that he doesn’t need to sign every little thing.
Jenny: LOL, that scene, btw, the “You don’t have to sign everything” scene, was where I was like, “PUMP THE BRAKES BRO.” Okay. Okay, go and watch. I’ll be here for you.
Bronwyn: You’d better be, ’cause you got me into this.
Jenny: OMG DID SHE HAVE THE BABY YET?!
Bronwyn: YES!!!
Jenny: WAS IT NOT HEARTBREAKING THAT HE COULDN’T EVEN SEE HIS CHILD?!
Bronwyn: I’m still weeping.
Jenny: I FELT SO BAD FOR THEM!
Bronwyn: It was AWFUL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It’s time for the ball now. THE ANGRY MOB
Jenny: THINGS ARE NOT GOING WELL BRONWYN!
Bronwyn: Her little boy!!!!!!!!
Jenny: I feel like our relationship is deepening having shared this experience. I know I’m pretty high, but I’m sure that’s happening.
Bronwyn: I’m pretty sure you’re right.
Jenny: This movie is romantic as fuck. We might get pregnant right now.
Bronwyn: PULL OUT!!! PULL OUT!!!!
Jenny: No doubt. Dude, you’re a doctor. Think this shit through. Like, maybe inoculating for smallpox can wait a second while you invent some kind of reliable method of birth control.
Bronwyn: Exactly!!! They’re NOT GONNA GET PARDONED JEN!!!!!
Jenny: I was like, sobbing, out loud, “THEY ARE NOT GOING TO GET PARDONED!”
Bronwyn: BRANDT DIDN’T DO ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!!
Jenny: MY HEART!
After it was over…
Bronwyn: So now that my soul is crushed and I’m gutted…
Jenny: WAS THAT NOT THE MOST ROGODDAMNEDMANTIC THING YOU EVER SAW? I didn’t have any kleenex, because I was in bed and I left it downstairs. So my nose was all dripping snot and I wiped it on the sheet and I had to wash my sheets. BUT I AM NOT ASHAMED.
I have to say, I had heard about this story because I spend a lot of time needlessly researching european history and also everything else on Wikipedia, but dry “this happened, then this happened” history doesn’t feel so tragic.
DON’T RIDE HORSES WITH HIM YOU ARE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE
(BTW, that was my inner monologue all last night)
DON’T [x] WITH HIM YOU ARE GOING TO FALL IN LOVE.
Just like, over and over as I watched it, like some kind of demented person who stands in front of trains.
Bronwyn: THAT’S EXACTLY WHAT IT FELT LIKE! Like I was standing in front of a damn train the whole time!!!!!
Jenny: I am so blogging this tomorrow.
Bronwyn: DO IT!!!