Two evil blondes who will probably try to steal your boyfriend have been cast as Christian “hanging in that way” Grey and Anastasia “European names are dumb” Steele in the Fifty Shades movie. Christian will played by Charlie Hunnam, better known from Sons of Anarchy and Queer as Folk, and Ana will be played by some ugly bitch who will never love Christian Grey as much as you do. NEVER!
Dakota Johnson is actually Melanie Griffith’s daughter, so I have to hope, pray, and cross my fingers that we’re a step closer to seeing Melanie as Mrs. Elena Bitch Troll Robinson.
I wish both of these crazy kids nothing but the best as they mangle their careers irreparably by stepping up as the only B-squad actors who would touch the roles with a ten foot pole. Whatever gambling debts or student loans they’re trying to pay off by joining this shit show are sure to be resolved.
Now that the roles are cast, what scene are you most looking forward to, dear reader? I’m torn between the tampon scene, or the one they have to write in to make it seem like Ana has any agency or gives consent.