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Day: February 1, 2015

“Nobody wants to hear about your stupid dream, Jenny!” Fuck that, yes you totally do.

Posted in Uncategorized

If you’re new here, you should know that I’m one of those horrible people who hates to hear about other people’s dreams but constantly talks about their own. I figure this is okay because I love dogs, so that kind of evens things out and keeps my dick level low to moderate.

Anyway, like the last dream I forced upon the public, this one requires some understanding of who people are. Like these two ladies, here:

broad city

This is Ilana Glazer and Abbi Jacobson, whose show, Broad City, is one of my current television favorites due to the consistently cringe-inducing second-hand embarrassment-based story lines.

You also should know who Craig Ferguson is. I can’t imagine that you are on the internet and you don’t; they’ll practically delete your Tumblr if you haven’t reblogged a minimum of two .gifs of him:


He’s also the face/voice inspiration for Ian Pratchett in my Bossverse novels, and since Ian is the hero of the project I’ll be working on in March, I’ve had him and Penny on the brain. So, I’m not sure if it’s Craig Ferguson in my dream, or Ian Pratchett. Either way, this is what he looked like.

The last component here is this dude:


The evil King Richard from Galavant.

So, here’s how the dream went: I was somehow, miraculously, hanging out with Abbi and Ilana, and I get a call. It’s from Craig/Ian (actually, now I’m pretty sure it was Ian, because he’s the only person in this scenario who is an extension of my own thought and therefore would know my telephone number) and he’s like, “I just had knee surgery, can you bring me an ice pack?” We’re like, yeah, totally, we can bring you an ice pack, and we all head off to go.

So, we took off and I was being totally hilarious and witty just like them, and we were the very best of friends. And our adventures were awesome, but the entire time I was thinking, “Man, Craig Ferguson really needs this ice pack, I bet his knee is killing him.” We went to a store to buy ice packs, and they didn’t have any, so for some reason we went…

to a castle.

And apparently, a castle where bad things could happen to us, because we were suddenly plunged into this whole “evade the guards” scenario where we were trying to sneak around, but we were just getting lost deeper and deeper in the castle, until we found ourselves in this bedroom full of like, powder wigs and crowns. And I was like, “Guys. This is the king’s bedroom. We better get out of here, because we’re going to get caught and executed for treason or some shit.”

Then some guards came in, and the king was with them. We hid under the bed, but my cell phone rang, and it was Craig/Ian saying, “Where the hell is my ice pack? I asked you to do this one thing.” I don’t know why I answered, since we were hiding, but Abbi and I ran, and somehow, the way dreams are, I guess Ilana got separated from us. We looped back around and found Ilana hanging out with King Richard and vaping weed on this giant king bed. So we all sat around and got high and were having a generally good time until I remembered, holy shit, we have to get Craig/Ian that ice pack!

I called home and asked Mr. Jen if we still had any ice packs, and he was like, “No, we had to throw them out.” Which checks out, because our daughter is a total hypochondriac and she’s always hoarding disposable ice packs and hot water bottles and heating pads in her room, and we’ve had to throw out so many ice packs she’s just kind of wandered off and left to get punctured or stepped on or whatnot. So I’m like, shit. I need to find an ice pack.

In the end, we went to Mr. Jen’s store and just bought up all the frozen peas, and raced to the address Craig/Ian gave us. It was the fucking hospital! We were all furious, because obviously they have ice packs in a hospital, right?

That’s when the dream ended and I woke up.

I have no idea what this dream was about. I guess it was probably about nothing, because my dreams often don’t have any real significance. But it was a nice change from the dreams where I’m looking for a public restroom and all of them are filthy.