Did you come here looking for super gossipy posts about someone who done me wrong? Well, they’ve been removed. I know what a lot of you might be thinking: “But Jenny, I had a problem like that with someone else, too! Those posts really helped me!” I know that a lot of you are thinking that, because a lot of you said that. And here’s what I’m going to tell you:
Write about it.
I’m not kidding. Write about what happened. Write about what those people did to you. Write about how unfair it is and pour all of your pain, all of that burning, poisoning grudge into it. Do it, then let it blow away. You don’t have to do it publicly. Do it privately. Burn the notebook. Delete the file. Because it feels so, so good. Just hear me out, and you might want to give it a try (and thank you to Em, who gave me this idea in the comments).
When I hit publish on that final post this morning, my fingertips tingled. It’s cliche, but I really did feel a huge weight lift. Grudges and unfairness do seem to have mass. Due to the events I talked about in those posts, my entire writing career has been tainted by that anger and hurt. And tonight, I get to let that go. And from here on out, I don’t have to think about any of that. I was walking around subconsciously trying to prove to myself that I was better than she had made me feel. And now, that need isn’t there. I remember what it means to actually write because I love it, and not because a toxic person has unwillingly duped me into a mental competition. It isn’t a matter of forgiving someone you can’t forgive. It’s just refusing to let them be a part of your story. Removing them from the narrative (in the theme of the post titles).
The mushroom post on Monday was oddly prophetic. Maybe I stumbled onto that forest for a reason. It’s a metaphor. All of that past, all of those horrible things? They’re just the dirt I had to struggle up through, and those posts were the downpour that cleared the way. And the way I feel about writing, and myself, and my friends, that’s the mushroom.
This has been a weird week. And it’s only Wednesday.
Bring it on, Thursday. I’m ready to look forward.