Fifty Shades of Friendship and Raw, Pounding Togetherness

Today is Valentine’s Day, the day when we celebrate love and romance and, if numerous shadowy complications hadn’t arisen for the embattled franchise, a day when we we should have been not enjoying ourselves at a hate screening of Fifty Shades Darker. But we live in a cruel world in which we were robbed of that outcome. What do we do in the meantime?

We watch Fifty Shades of Grey together.

Here’s how it works:

You download this MP3. It’s me, watching the movie and making frustrated, disbelieving comments about how stupid it is. To be absolutely clear: this is not a Wizard People, Dear Reader version of Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not a MST3K style parody. It’s just me, watching the movie, complaining, making snarky asides, and at one point rolling a j and toking up while doing those things. Think of it as a DVD commentary made by someone who not only was never involved with the project, but who also holds said project in the highest contempt.

You somehow procure the unrated version of Fifty Shades of GreyYou can either buy the DVD or the streaming video, or do that thing I’m never supposed advocate on my blog ever, because it makes me just as bad as a war criminal or something. But you know what I’m totally not driving at. Whatever method you choose, just make sure that you’re using the unrated, extended cut.

Start the MP3 when when the Focus logo starts to fade. The Focus logo has a little two-chord tune, and as soon as it ends, the logo begins to dim. If you hit “play” on the MP3 right then, the movie and the MP3 should exist in beautiful harmony together.

And that’s it. The experience of viewing Fifty Shades of Grey as though I were in your home, loudly bitching about pretty much every scene (although there are times when I get caught up in actually watching it, because I’m trash).

Have a happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

34 thoughts on “Fifty Shades of Friendship and Raw, Pounding Togetherness

  1. I would totally love to do this, but I promised myself to never watch these movies. I have been disturbed enough reading about these two fucking, I don’t need the actual image seared into my brain.

    1. I was thinking the same thing. Even if it’s accompanied by the awesome Jenny being wonderfully snarky, I don’t know if I could still subject myself to such torture. The temptation though… oh the temptation.

    2. I tried watching it when it was on HBO, and I couldn’t make it even to the halfway point… Maybe Jenny’s commentary will make it bearable, but I’ll have to watch it in short bursts lest my eyes pop out in protest.

      Or maybe I could’ve sat through it if there was full-frontal male nudity, but Dornan decided he didn’t want to be nude in a porno. Why would you sign up for a porn movie if you didn’t want to show your dick, Jamie?!

      1. He also apparently was pretty squicked by visiting a sex dungeon in prep for the role. Why was he even interested in this role aside from it being a paying gig?

        1. He also said there wasn’t any abuse in it and that it’s all consensual because the contract … despite that Ana never signs the contract. I don’t even think he saw the movie or payed attention to what he was doing while filming it.

  2. Brilliant! I love the idea of being able to watch the movie with you, Jenny! I will admit that I actually bought the movie – the unrated version. Though it irks me to give ELJ money, I like Jamie Dornan and I was prepared to give her a dollar or two for the privilege of perving at Jamie for a couple of hours in a good quality recording. There was also an element of the same curiosity that had me reading all three books, but it was mainly the perv-worthiness of Mr Dornan that caused me to spend money. I have drawn the line at buying “Grey” so far. Maybe I’ll find it remaindered somewhere for $1 or so. But I digress.

    Thank you, Jenny. Work prevents me from watching it right now but I look forward to it.

  3. This sounds fun. I’m in. I could only get through 10 minutes of the film on my own; maybe watching it this way will make it halfway bearable. Once again, thanks for taking a bullet for us, Jenny!

  4. I’ve never actually seen any of the actors outside of those shown Cinema Sins before today, but I sort of always imagined Taylor as Shemar Moore. Lil disappointed with his real actor, but I guess Max Martini has a hot dad sort of vibe about him.

    Not even halfway through your commentary/the movie, but enjoying it so far! Thanks for keeping my single ass company this V Day :’)

    1. For a long time during Jenny’s initial 50 Shades takedowns the most common fancasting was “Jason Taylor looks like/sounds like Jason Statham”.

      Shemar Moore would have been a cool choice for Taylor. (I love him as Derek Morgan on Criminal Minds. And now I want crossover fanfic where Christian’s the latest UNSUB the BAU is pursuing. Preferably ending with a dead Christian and Ana in therapy.)

        1. I would love this. I am 100% on board.

          (Criminal Minds is also where I have seen him most, which is perhaps why I imagine him as the quintessential “buff badass with a heart of gold and kittens” character)

          1. I’d say that’s a reasonable summation of Morgan. (And now I want to go find the big bang where a cat basically plays matchmaker for Morgan and Hotch. Or some cute Morgan/Reid, that would also work.)

            CW: child sexual abuse, canon spoiler for season 2

            This sounds kind of messed up, but I’ve always liked that TPTB chose to make *Morgan* the rape survivor on the team (and I’ve lost track of how many times I’ve seen “Profiler, Profiled” which is the ep that reveals that.) I think making a physically imposing black man a survivor matters representation-wise, because real-life survivors come in all shapes, colors, and genders but mainstream media tends to treat rape as purely a (cis) “women’s issue” and that erases a lot of survivors’ experiences.

    2. I always associate Max Martini with his Pacific Rim character, Hercules Hansen, where he is in fact a hot dad. I was pained when he got cast in FSoG but once I got to relevant sections of various sporks relieved he played one of the few redeemable characters in that whole mess.

  5. I already watched this using the method you totally didn’t mention at all in this entry, but haven’t seen the extended cut. I’m sure your commentary will improve it tremendously.

    Happy Valentine’s Day!

  6. For those who have an HBO Now subscription, they have the unrated FSoG there. I’m watching now and have already done a few spit takes. Great way to spend Valentine’s Day.

  7. You know, now that you mention it, I could really go for a “Wizard People, Dear Reader” style commentary track. I’d make one myself, but doing so would involve more torture than I’m willing to put myself through.

    Well, since I don’t have my boyfriend around to spend Valentine’s Day with me, I might as well watch this with you as I wallow in my misery and self-pity, remembering that one year ago today he and I were wallowing in misery and self-pity together as we sat through this movie actually in the theater. The things I do for love…

  8. I am so adamantly against spending a dime on the franchise, or infecting my computer with its awfulness.

    Is there a chance at getting a Jenny Watches highlight reel? Maybe pick a few top scenes and comments and throw them in a video?

  9. Ooooh. Now on my ‘to do’ list. Maybe after this hell week at work has ended this can be my treat/non-treat for myself where I yell along and eat candy while I do it.

  10. semi-live commentary during this shitshow:

    * how does she get a parking space right in front of the building?
    * what even are those boots she’s wearing – maybe that’s what she tripped over?
    * why is he so rude to her when she asks a standard question: ‘To what do you owe your success?’
    * re: commentary about the search engine – it’s fake!Google… and a little later, it has like 3 menu bars on it or something
    * why is he so impressed that she can unwind a spool of rope?
    * this dialog is so droll….
    * that photography set up – there is not NEARLY enough light in that ball room
    * “No one will be seated during the ‘Ana has to pee scene’” – is all I could think there… thank you CinemaSins
    * Grey has an iPhone to show that he’s super rich and Ana has an old flip-phone to show that she’s poor?
    * why is Jose so pervy? is that to show us that he’s ‘not as bad’ as Grey?
    * “I’m not going to touch you, not until I have your written consent,” he says – and, he NEVER gets this
    * this wigs me out, b/c the guy playing Taylor, in like everything else I’ve seen him in, he always plays the bad guy who starts off looking like you’re BFF, but turns on you at that pinnacle moment in the story
    * Grey’s suit is bugging the shit out of me. I can’t tell if it’s the wrong silhouette for him or if it’s cut badly or something, but it doesn’t look like the suit of a guy who is a billionaire
    * aw man… they dragged the Rolling Stones into this, didn’t they?
    * why is Grey’s mother so happy to meet Ana? Has Grey talked all about her to his mom in the 3 days he’s known Ana?
    * okay, Grey’s 28, right? and he’s had 15 ‘submissives’ – those must’ve been really short relationships; esp’ly since he sub’d for the child molester friend for 6 years – so that’s 7 years for 15 subs, that’s like 5 months per sub on average, wtf?
    * he tells her to ‘keep an open mind’, but he’s not willing to keep his mind open and try the relationship her way; he’s missing a lot of the ‘compromise’ in how relationships work. also, he fails with his ‘red room of pain’ – he says it’s more about pleasure, but he hasn’t explained ANYTHING to her
    * Grey is super-concerned about all the paperwork in the beginning of this movie
    * re: contract – the first mistake is that first line ‘this is a binding contract’ – b/c it’s not. sex contracts don’t hold up in court
    * and when she searches ‘submissive’ – there are THREE menu bars…. WHY?
    * how many fucking times does he sneak up on her and scare the crap out of her?
    * she asks if they can negotiate on the sleeping in the same bed thing and he all but literally pats her on the head
    * why are they having this ‘business meeting’ in the dark?
    * why is this one of the only scenes where Ana stands up to Grey? Though, how did she end up doing enough research to know what ‘genital clamps’ are, but somehow miss out on ‘buttplugs’?
    * I have a theory that Jamie Dornan hates neckties, b/c as Grey, he’s always taking his tie off and unbuttoning his shirt. This ties into my comment before that his suits aren’t cut correctly for him.
    * so – Ana’s dad is RayK from Due South and I am sad for him now
    * was that BC Place (or whatever it’s named now) they drove past on the way ‘home’ from the graduation? If so – clear clue that they’re NOT in Washington state… since that building’s in Canada
    * where’s the aftercare, Grey? seriously dude… a ‘kiss’ isn’t aftercare
    * half of Grey’s ‘Dom’ movements look so forced and unnatural
    * after all that ‘bdsm’ did he just put her in bed and leave her? way to aftercare fail again dude
    * why is Grey mad about Ana going to Georgia? she’s going to see her mom, not her secret lover
    * there are so many convenient phone calls in this movie/story that stop every important conversation
    * seriously, what does Grey have against ties? and if he hates them so much, why does he wear them at all? he runs his own company – he can decide that he doesn’t have to wear a tie to work
    * Grey has the whole Dom/sub thing backwards… he comes at it from the perspective that the Dom has all the power and controls the scene, which isn’t really how it works; and he can’t just tell her that hurting people gets him hot – that would clear up a lot of her questions, especially that one where she asks ‘why do you want to hurt me?’
    * why does she have to be naked to be shown ‘the worst’?
    * six slaps with a belt is ‘the worst’… that’s the worst he would ever do? also – he sucks for actually doing it to begin with; he should’ve told her ‘nope – i’m not going to show you the worst b/c you’re brand new to this and that would be a terrible thing to do to you’, but he’s a horrible person
    * she tells him ‘no’ at the end… and he actually stops… i’m not giving him props for that, b/c he’s a horrible douchebag of a person and doesn’t deserve them and, omg, i need to go watch CinemaSins for the clensing

    1. * seriously, what does Grey have against ties? and if he hates them so much, why does he wear them at all? he runs his own company – he can decide that he doesn’t have to wear a tie to work

      Because a plumber wore a tie in a game once, a game that for all its outdated, tasteless, misogynist “humor” is still more progressive and self-aware than FSoG.

      So he has a little “I hate ties” rant in the film? Because I don’t remember it from the books. For me that just further confirms how much he actually hates Ana because that stupid tie is used so much.

        1. He only wears ties so he can have covert BDSM equipment on hand at all times. That’s why he can’t wait to take them off, so he can put them to their ~real~ use

  11. Even with Jenny’s commentary, I don’t think I made it to the ten minute mark, though that probably had something to do with the fact I couldn’t get them to line up correctly. What I saw was also more mind-numbing than a yarn documentary, how do people stay awake through this?

  12. Ha ha I suggested to a friend who was sad about being single on Valentine’s Day that she watch this to remind herself how lucky she is not to be with a shithead ;)

  13. By the way, I was a member of the forum, I forgot my password. Unfortunately the captcha to get it sent to me is impossible, I just tried and failed it 4 times. Arg.

  14. Jenny, thank you for doing this. I have just finished watching along and if it hadn’t been for your commentary and a pile of snacks the size of a small mountain, I would have fallen into a coma.

  15. This was such an awesome idea! I tried watching it once before, got bored 10 min in and did something else. Your commentary made it…. almost enjoyable! Could you do this again sometime? Maybe for Thanksgiving/Chirstmas with Love Actually?

  16. I know Jenny can’t tell me where i should find this movie online without corrupting my whole computer, but maybe somebody else has a nice clean site to visit?

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