Skip to content

Hamster Venom: An Interlude

Posted in Uncategorized

FADE IN:

INT. – BATHROOM – NIGHT. JENNY sits on the toilet while MR. JEN leans on the sink, examining a near-microscopic drop of blood at the tip of one finger.

JENNY
Oh my god. It’s a hamster bite. Let it go.

MR. JEN
I’m worried about the venom.

JENNY
Hamsters don’t have venom!

MR. JEN
Yes, they do. Much like their natural predator the king cobra–

JENNY
There is no “much like” between hamsters and king cobras! They’re nothing alike! You have to really, really generalize that down to like, “they both have eyes!” to find any similarity. Hamsters are not venomous! Plus, I’m not even sure that hamsters and king cobras exist in the wild together. I told you already that the hamster is evil and bitey and you stuck your hand in there, anyway.

MR. JEN
He’s not evil!

JENNY
He runs at me to bite me! I can be opening the door to put food in his cage and he will charge at me and bite me!

MR. JEN
He likes me.

JENNY
He bit you! And now you’re worried about his venom!

MR. JEN
Hamsters bite to show their affection. [beat] Much like the king cob–

JENNY
Get out.

 

FADE OUT
FIN

Did you enjoy this post?

Trout Nation content is always free, but you can help keep things going by making a small donation via Ko-fi!

Or, consider becoming a Patreon patron!

10 Comments

  1. Rebecca
    Rebecca

    *ded* (But not from hamster venom. Or from a king cobra).

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  2. Small jar of fireflies
    Small jar of fireflies

    Its not evil, it’s merely a victim of capitalism. The hamster is attempting a bold new project to raise humans for food. It bites at every opportunity because it’s testing its plan, driven by the realization it might not make its RoI. And then what is it supposed to do about its retirement??

    Lobby for universal mincome on behalf of the hamster.

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  3. Gracie
    Gracie

    I enjoyed this a lot more than I should have, probably. Thanks Mr. Jen.

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  4. WriterBen01
    WriterBen01

    xD

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  5. Ilex
    Ilex

    I think Mr Jen is mixing up hamsters and mongooses. I’ve had plenty of hamster bites and they are painful, but none has been poisonous. I hope Mr Jen heals up quickly! Also, thanks for making me guffaw. This was very entertaining.

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  6. Paheli
    Paheli

    He’s been playing the Sims and now envisions himself foaming at the mouth and falling over dead? That’s funny.

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
    • Tami
      Tami

      Lmao! The Sims was the first thing that crossed my mind, too!

      Shu-shu!

      February 9, 2019
      |Reply
  7. Bookjunk
    Bookjunk

    I love your little domestic plays!

    February 4, 2019
    |Reply
  8. Athena
    Athena

    Kinda funny story. My cousin’s daughter got a dwarf hamster for Christmas one year. It would bite the shit out of me if I tried to reach in to pick it up while I was over babysitting. But I taught it to come climb into my hand when I opened the door. I just tapped on the cage door and held out my hand. She was sweet as could be as long as I wasn’t snatching her up like some eagle or something.

    Fast forward a few months and I had the hamster out on my shoulder. (I was trying to socialise the critter, and I like cute, fluffy things,) and she fell off when I bent over. I thought I had my hand in the right spot to catch her if that happened, but nope. She hit the floor and ran panicked under the couch. I was sure I’d lost her and the next my cousin saw the hamster she’d be a cat toy. But I tried calling to her and tapping the floor like I did her cage. After a minute she came right to me. I gave her extra yogurt treats for that.

    February 6, 2019
    |Reply
  9. NewFan
    NewFan

    Read this to my teenage son.
    He said, “glad I wasn’t drinking anything, or milk would’ve come out my nose.”

    That, right there. High Praise.

    February 6, 2019
    |Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *