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A Confused Bisexual: An Interlude

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FADE IN

INTERIOR – BEDROOM – NIGHT. JENNY has just watched footage of Chris Evans helping Regina King balance so she wouldn’t trip on her dress while accepting her Oscar.

JENNY
Would you have sex with Chris Evans?

Mr. Jen shakes his head and doesn’t look up from his phone.

JENNY
But why not?

MR. JEN
Because I don’t like men. I don’t think of men sexually.

JENNY
Okay, but. How?

MR. JEN
What do you mean how?

JENNY
How do you not like dudes?

MR. JEN
They just do nothing for me.

JENNY
What if you had to?

MR. JEN
Why would I have to?

JENNY
The world will end! You would have sex with Chris Evans to stop the world from ending.

MR.JEN
Why is the world ending?

JENNY
Why don’t you find Chris Evans hot?

MR. JEN
Because I’m straight!

JENNY
How? I can’t get my melon around this! How does that even work?

MR.JEN
It’s just how it is. Imagine someone you would never have sex with.

JENNY
Okay.

MR.JEN
That’s what it’s like.

JENNY
So for you…having sex with Chris Evans would be like me having sex with Rush Limbaugh?

MR. JEN
Don’t be disgusting. Chris Evans is not Rush Limbaugh.

JENNY
So, you would have sex with Chris Evans.

Mr. Jen sighs deeply. A long silence follows.

JENNY
Let’s say you got a cold or something. The gay cold. That made you gay.

MR. JEN
A gay cold.

JENNY
Yeah. You got a cold and now you’re gay. Who are your top five?

MR. JEN
It’s five now?

JENNY
No, just who would be in your top five. Look, we can make this the bi flu. I’ll meet you halfway here.

MR. JEN
I thought bi doesn’t mean halfway.

JENNY
Work with me! So, you have the bi flu–

MR. JEN
I would still have sex with the girls!

JENNY
But why

MR. JEN
Imagine having sex with one of your friends.

Jenny visibly tries to imagine such a scenario.

JENNY
Oh. Ew.

MR. JEN
That’s what it’s like to not be sexually attracted to someone. I just am not interested in sex with guys.

JENNY
Okay…but not even Chris Evans?

FADE OUT.

THE END

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42 Comments

  1. Jess
    Jess

    As a pansexual, I 100% understand not being able to wrap your head around not being attracted to an entire gender, full stop. Like, how do straight and gay people even function when they only want one type of junk rubbin on their junk? Where even is the fun in that?

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Skylar
      Skylar

      I was gonna say the same thing. Like, I can’t imagine the gender of a person being a deal-breaker! Even when I thought I was straight I didn’t get it! (Because I wasn’t straight. Go figure.)
      Obviously there’s nothing wrong with not being attracted to a certain gender, be proud of who you are, but like. I don’t understand. What’s the difference. My brain does not register a difference. I am Baffled.

      February 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Jess
        Jess

        Exactly. You do you, because I don’t *have* to understand it because it’s your life and your genitals. But I’m still going to be quietly asking myself “but hoooow?”

        February 26, 2019
        |Reply
    • Ian
      Ian

      See, while my own sexuality remains mostly theoretical, I see monosexualism as sort of like being a vegetarian (which I am): I don’t quite get the idea that being restricted in such a matter…matters. Humans aren’t that sexually dimorphic–it’s not like men get the tentacles while women get the interesting polyps. There’s still loads and loads of variety within a single gender, and while it’s great to have more choices, I don’t see not having them as a terrible thing. In fact, as someone who is often paralyzed by too many choices–not great, for writing–being able to rule off a large fraction of them helps incommensurately.

      February 26, 2019
      |Reply
  2. I wouldn’t have sex with Chris Evans and I’m straight. Just doesn’t do it for me. (OK… in the unlikely situation of my sexual activity with him preventing the end of the world, I would be willing to have sex with him.)

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Aurelia
      Aurelia

      I came here to say exactly this thing 😀

      Should we start a “Straight women who would probably sex Chris Evans to save the world, but not otherwise” club? LOL

      February 28, 2019
      |Reply
      • (Non-doctor) Sarah
        (Non-doctor) Sarah

        I too would join that club.

        March 1, 2019
        |Reply
  3. CornettoLass
    CornettoLass

    I hope you don’t mind me admitting that I heard this conversation in Bob and Linda Belcher’s voices in my head. (Not entirely realistic obviously, since Bob is bisexual af)

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Tami Marie Alexander
      Tami Marie Alexander

      Alriiiiiiight!

      February 25, 2019
      |Reply
  4. Sam
    Sam

    Ok but my husband legit sighed and said, “I want to be him.” XD

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
  5. Hah, Mr. Jen is an amateur at this game! As a gay man there’s an enooooormous amount of people (mainly straight but also Bi and Pan) who are DESPERATE to find the woman I want to have sex with (is there a prize or raffle or something?) and acting like I’m especially baffling and freaky and broken when {insert conventionally attractive woman here} does not appeal sexually to me.

    I’ve taken to invoking lawn mowers! “Do you want to have sex with a lawn mower? But what about the most beautiful lawn mower ever? But but this lawn mower is AMAZING and it trims edges and picks up leaves? Why do you hate lawn mowers so much?”

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Casey
      Casey

      That’s a really interesting point of view. I’m sorry that people are doing that to you, especially others in the LGBT+ community. That’s super disappointing. Especially since attraction is such a varied and personal thing.
      (That being said, your lawnmower comparison is hilarious, but unless I’ve seriously misunderstood my own body — entirely possible, since American sex ed is questionable at best — afab women don’t have blades up in there. Still a great way to get people thinking about it, though!)

      March 9, 2019
      |Reply
  6. Gretel
    Gretel

    I find heterosexuality so limiting.
    And I know there are people who’re not into Chris Evans but honestly, that’s just impossible for me.
    Being pan has some serious problems (internalized homophobia, attacks by other people, etc.) but being able to find all kinds of people attractive and bask in their beauty and splendor is the best thing. The best!

    Aw, yes, give me butch Tilda Swinton and daddy Chris Evans! Fuck yeah blind me with the glory of Lucy Liu and gimme magical Ezra Miller!
    Also, Marvel has some serious A game regarding attractive people, wow.

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Tami Marie Alexander
      Tami Marie Alexander

      YES to Tilda! Lawd…

      February 25, 2019
      |Reply
  7. Indigo
    Indigo

    I honestly find it more difficult to understand people who don’t like the kind of music I like, than to understand why not everyone shares my attraction to the people I’m attracted to.

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
  8. Tami Marie Alexander
    Tami Marie Alexander

    As much as I adore Chris Evans (I have a huge shirtless pic of him on my bathroom wall, along with other male actors I like), what I know about him would make it feel like I was having sex with my brother. Maybe even my twin brother. Yes, he’s beautiful and sweet and funny and intelligent (and I hear he likes anal…) but I cannot fathom doing more than cuddling him. And I’m bi but prefer women. I would have sex with Danai Gurira in a heartbeat — whatever she wanted, I would do for her, she wouldn’t even have to reciprocate. But when it comes to guys…wow. Maybe Sebastian Stan? And I still think Mitch Pileggi is hot. Oh, wait — I know: Colin Firth and Taron Egerton. Yes, together. They can be the English muffins and I’ll be the butter oozing all over them, ta very much.

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
  9. I really enjoy Mr Jen’s cameos here at Trout Nation. He seems like a fun dude.

    My sister is super into Chris Evans. I, meanwhile, will be over here with Hemsworth, Pine, and Pratt (assuming he can stop evangelizing).

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      That sounds like a law office. XD

      February 26, 2019
      |Reply
      • Chris
        Chris

        Whahahahha

        February 27, 2019
        |Reply
  10. Ayu Ohseki
    Ayu Ohseki

    I lost my shit at “the gay cold, that made you gay.”

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
  11. Miimers
    Miimers

    Tbf, the guy is utterly hot and adorable and boy howdy does he look nice naked, I mean have you seen him in Puncture? But I’m not sure I’d sleep with him either (as a queer demisexual).

    I WOULD snuggle and feed him grapes though. Or bake cookies. He seems like a cookie baking kind of a guy.

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
  12. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I know this post is mostly a lark (and I did laugh), but I’d like to second the comment about the lawn mower. As an asexual who plans to die happily a virgin (so far, so good) I find the analogy very well encapsulates the “does not register” that I (rarely) must explain to people who can’t imagine not looking at some percentage of humanity in that weird way I don’t understand.

    February 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Amalthea
      Amalthea

      Hey fellow ace! I know this was meant as a laugh, too, but I can’t help feeling bummed a bit.

      February 26, 2019
      |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        Hey, Amalthea! Yeah, I guess it was a little too real, re-reading it today. Fortunately, those cases are rare for me, and I now have a better analogy when they do come up. The more I think about it, the more I like it!

        February 26, 2019
        |Reply
  13. Dvärghundspossen
    Dvärghundspossen

    I’m bi, but I think I can imagine what it’s like to be straight or gay, because I 100 % don’t find men with beards hot. It doesn’t matter if someone was the hottest dude EVER and then got a beard. Beard=automatic removal from my sexual radar. So I think straight or gay – it means an entire gender is as if they all had beards.

    February 26, 2019
    |Reply
  14. JanePixel
    JanePixel

    Oh Jenny. I love you.

    February 26, 2019
    |Reply
  15. Pajama Fish
    Pajama Fish

    I didn’t admit my bisexually to myself or come out until my late 20s and I read things like this and I just wonder how, how was my denial so strong? How was I out there in the world saying things like “I’d have sex with her… in a totally straight way.”

    Bless all my friends who CLEARLY SAW THROUGH THAT and continued to tolerate me anyway.

    February 26, 2019
    |Reply
  16. Vix
    Vix

    I had to google, because I thought you were talking about this Chris Evans, and I wasn’t sure that’s where I’d start if I were asking my husband if he would ever with a guy…

    https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chris_Evans_(presenter)

    Your Chris Evans is definitely smokin.

    February 26, 2019
    |Reply
  17. Jules
    Jules

    I am a straight female, I can appreciate the beauty of other women but I cannot fathom having sex with them. I can’t help it. I like dick. I don’t find it limiting at all since I never want to have sex with a female. It’s like being lactose intolerant but you hate milk anyway so is it really that big a deal?

    It is interesting though, to hear from other folks with different sexualities because it is always great to gain an understanding of people who are different.

    As a straight woman Chris Evans doesn’t do it for me at all, but if I were drunk, and there were no other prospects and I was feeling randy I’d have a go. He just wouldn’t be my top choice.

    I can think of many women I find stunningly beautiful but I wouldn’t want to have sex with any of them, even if it meant the end of the world, but I am one of those weirdo’s who kind of agrees with Thanos’ plan so I’m probably not the best person to put humanity’s fate in the hands of.

    February 27, 2019
    |Reply
  18. SaintSithney
    SaintSithney

    That’s basically how my asexual ass feels whenever anyone tries to explain generalized sexual attraction to me.

    Like… you want to have sex with this person who you have never met? Just because of what they look or sound like? Sounds fake, but okay. You do you, honey.

    Sex can be fun and enjoyable, but the idea of having it with someone I don’t feel an extremely strong connection to is like the idea of schtupping a kangaroo. And the act of sex rates as fun above mini-golf, but below a “Lord of the Rings” marathon. I’d say roughly on par with going to a water park… it’s fun, and sometimes you feel like going, but every day would be boring and exhausting.

    February 27, 2019
    |Reply
    • Alex Silvers
      Alex Silvers

      I’d much rather mini golf, tbh…but I’m also ace and I really like mini golf.

      March 3, 2019
      |Reply
      • SaintSithney
        SaintSithney

        That is fair. Mini golf is okay for me from time to time, but I’m totally fine playing it like once every three years.

        And that’s all okay! If everyone only liked the same things, then no one would ever get to do them.

        March 4, 2019
        |Reply
  19. Hank
    Hank

    So, I thought I was bi/pan/ambiguously queer for literally 20 years. I’m starting to accept that I had trouble labeling my sexuality because I’m actually just equally disinterested in everyone most of the time. So, I don’t know how or why this is the post that makes me go, “oohh, I’m ace,” but I guess it is, so, uh, thanks?

    February 27, 2019
    |Reply
    • SaintSithney
      SaintSithney

      You’re very welcome. Apparently that’s my secret superpower, since I’ve helped at least five asexuals and an aromantic realize their orientation (not trying to sound braggy in any way).

      May I interest you in some cake? <3

      February 28, 2019
      |Reply
    • Cristin
      Cristin

      I am so happy this helped you and that you’re finding yourself. My polyamory was just figured out (I’ve always had the inclination, but didn’t really figure out it’s what I actually need for a long, long time like 41 years). Though I have always identified as bi/pan, identifying as poly is new. It can be daunting to try and navigate everything because, too, society can make it hard to ask questions and have a sincere, safe dialogue. Again, so glad these posts helped you, because I know what a relief figuring yourself out is.

      March 1, 2019
      |Reply
  20. K R
    K R

    I’m asexual. I find a lot of people to be easy on the eyes, I’ve even had a few crushes, but I don’t actually want to have sex with them. Honestly, sex has always kinda baffled me. Like I cannot really understand the appeal? and I am not about to try and figure it out either, I’m ok with myself in that regards.

    February 28, 2019
    |Reply
  21. Cristin
    Cristin

    I love this so much. Because this is absolutely the way I think. People ask me alllll the time what it’s like to by bi/pansexual and polyamorous. I don’t know? What’s it like not to be? Like I can’t really wrap my head around being only attracted to a small pool of individuals, so…I kinda don’t get it? But, I really love the way Mr. Jen explained it, because obviously, the answer is there all along. None of us are attracted to EVERYONE. I’m not attracted to every man, woman, nonbinary, gender fluid, polyamorous person I meet. And I so do not want to do it with my friends that I am soooo not into like that (well, except a couple of the poly ones, but then that would be a mutual thing, and not really the same as just friends :)).

    March 1, 2019
    |Reply
  22. Alex Silvers
    Alex Silvers

    I’m ace and in a commited, sexless relationship with another woman. I have tried sex with a man, but never again. It was so boring.

    I can appreciate a pretty person of any gender, but I just sort of want to watch them do things in sexy clothes xD

    March 3, 2019
    |Reply
  23. Rhiannon
    Rhiannon

    As a British person who has no interest in Marvel stuff, I always get a bit confused when people say they find Chris Evans attractive, because my first thought is always of the British radio guy of that name, and even my late grandmother disliked him.

    March 4, 2019
    |Reply
  24. Brian
    Brian

    I’m a straight guy, and totally agree with hubby about Chris Evans.

    John Barrowman, on the other hand…

    March 4, 2019
    |Reply
  25. Casey
    Casey

    This post is hilarious, and Mr. Jen continues to be delight in all the ways. I’ll admit that I find it hard to understand his POV as well (I’m bicurious, or heteroflexible, or bisexual with internalized lesbophobia, still working it out) but he’s such a good sport about everything. You two should have a YT show or something. 🙂

    March 9, 2019
    |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      I pretty much second everything in this comment.

      April 21, 2019
      |Reply

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