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Depression is a mean fucker.

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I hate depression. It makes me into a different person, a person I don’t like. A person who snaps at her kids, a person who takes everything too personally. A person who googles “Jennifer Armintrout sucks” just to see if anyone agrees with her.

I get stuck in these deep grooves with depression, where I think I’m worthless, and I consider quitting writing. I feel absolutely no drive or passion to write, I open up old projects I’ve abandoned and tell myself, “You’re so lazy and worthless. You could at least finish this and self-publish it. You’ll have to, because no one will buy it, since you’re a shitty writer. You should just quit. Today. Contact everyone involved in your career and tell them to throw out your contracts and just quit. Go get a real job and stop being such a loser. Look at what you’re doing to your family. You’re never going to come up with any good ideas again, and if you do, you won’t follow through on them. You should just give up today.”

How can I let myself talk to me that way? That’s insane. If I heard someone saying that out loud to another writer, I would punch that person’s teeth in. I would be outraged beyond words.

But I suspect I’m not alone. I bet any number of writers struggling with depression have said those exact things to themselves. I bet I’m not the only person who struggles with this, even at the best of times. And while my career is certainly not enjoying it’s “best time,” things aren’t the worst they’ve ever been, either. So, what do I have to be defeated about? Nothing. It’s just a trick of my diseased brain, telling me mean stuff to knock me down a peg, just for kicks.

I don’t know why my brain chemistry hates me. I don’t know why it tries to destroy my confidence and mess with me, but I know that tomorrow I won’t feel this way. If that’s enough to get me through today, maybe tomorrow I’ll have confidence again, maybe something will smack me in the face and say, “Suck it up. When you google ‘Jennifer Armintrout sucks’ the first page of results is mostly shit you’ve said about yourself.”

That’s the carrot dangling in front of me right now. I’m going to just survive today. But if you suffer from depression, please feel free to share your stories in the comments, if that helps you.

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7 Comments

  1. I saw this on your sidebar: “I’m mentally ill! I suffer from chronic depression and OCD with obsessive thoughts! I’m riddled with anxiety, and I use music to cope. If it helps you, too, that’s awesome!” And I too, have MDD and OCD (emphasis on the O) and GAD mixed in there too. I’m also down with OPP.

    I get it. And even though this post is really old, I just wanted to tell you that I get it.

    January 1, 2014
    |Reply
  2. Becky Holdford
    Becky Holdford

    I just came across your blog & definitely be reading it again. I hear what you’re saying about depression. I’ve been on antidepressants for the last 15 years. Wish I had them in high school! (I’m 55) Life would have been different. I have some bad days but know they will pass. IMO, the down self-talk is part of the way our brains dealt with the disease before we learned there was another way to feel. Habits formed living with depression are very hard to break. I still have some I struggle mightily with. (Down talk, withdrawal, etc.) But as Scarlett O’Hara said, “Tomorrow is another day”. We can only hang on. Know you’re not alone, if that helps.

    January 3, 2014
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  3. mimijones
    mimijones

    A year late to the party but reading this made me think you were a mind reader. Sigh. Thank god for antidepressants, amiright?

    January 18, 2015
    |Reply
  4. Adeline Raina
    Adeline Raina

    I hope you’re doing better now Jenny. For what it’s worth, pretty much everyone in Cambridge, including the academics, feel the same about themselves and their work.

    March 19, 2015
    |Reply
  5. Ashley
    Ashley

    I get it. This blog has been actually helping me lately. Only, I’m basically a real cat lady. I live alone with 3 cats and I go through days where I just get out of bed for work. I have social anxiety, anxiety, insomnia, and an eating disorder. A guy at my work constantly rubs it in my face that I’m alone with no kids. I don’t even talk about my personal life, but small details like that people know because I’ve been asked if I’m single or if I have kids. He’s taken those small details and uses it against me if I don’t want to trade a job with him. We work in a factory, and you can trade certain jobs if you don’t like them on the build line. Either that or yr will say to other people so I can hear: “It must suck to be Ashley. She’s in her res with no kids, and she is single. I would hate if my life isn’t full filled like that.”

    So comments like that get to me. I probably gave depression too, but it’s not diagnosed.

    August 2, 2018
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    • Ashley
      Ashley

      I hate autocorrect. Yr should say he and res should say 30s. I don’t even understand how this tablet corrects words to things that don’t make sense. For some reason it always corrects go to go4 lol.

      August 2, 2018
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      • Corey
        Corey

        Hey Ashley, I know it’s been almost 2 year since you left this comment, but I just wanted to say I hope you’re doing okay. I’m also in my 30s, single, with no kids, and I love my life. I love that all of my time is my own, to fill with the books and movies I want, or to spend taking long walks with my dog, or just to stay in bed all day if I want.

        It has always been so bizarre to me that people act like there is only one life path for everyone: get married, have kids. We don’t all have the same job or the same interests, so why would we all want the same life? Furthermore, most of my friends who are married with kids hate their lives most of the time. They aren’t happy, and they’re also trapped, and burdened with responsibility. I also suffer from MDD, and if I want to lay in bed for a week straight or quit my job or move away, I can. Nobody else is depending on me. I have freedom, and it’s awesome! And if/when I do date, I’m not co-dependent or desperate for a marriage proposal. I can choose my own adventure.

        The married-with-kids people who go out of their way to insult us are obviously unhappy with their own lives. That’s why they’re trying so hard to convince themselves that they’re better off than you are.

        And finally, your coworker’s comments about your personal life are harassment. I hope you reported his creepy, disrespectful ass to HR.

        April 20, 2020
        |Reply

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