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Where Is All Of This Coming From?

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SPAM email. For so long I have been without it.

I used to have an AOL account. I got tons of SPAM there. By tons, I mean almost three hundred a day. That’s not an exaggeration. If I missed checking my email by one day, my inbox would have reached its limit.

So, I changed my personal email to a hotmail address. For almost two years I have been blissfully SPAM free.

Then, out of the blue, it began arriving. It started with the obvious ones: “Twin Asian girls get nasty” and “Wanna see pics of my wife?” I kicked them to my junk folder. Then, they started getting a little more creative. To escape the wrath of the junk folder, they started misspelling key words the filter would now be looking for. “Hrorny Teens Fiznuking!” and “Secksy MILF takes it all!”. BAM. To the Junk Folder.

Now, they’re getting deviously creative. “Your phone has been busy all day. What’s going on?” I see that subject line and I don’t even look at the address. I go, “Oh, that must be one of my many close and important friends. I wonder what is wrong with my phone.” I open it and there it is, a link to 100% Free Girl On Girl Action.

I can’t figure out how this happened. Conventional wisdom would say that if I’ve been visiting a lot of porn sites and entering my email to join them, that would bring on an onslaught of SPAM. But– and this will shock many, I’m sure– I don’t look at porn on the internet. I don’t go to porn websites, I don’t google for porn (Food porn doesn’t count. Who doesn’t love a full color photo of a glistening rack of baby pork ribs, fresh from the barbecue? Stop looking at me that way. I am not ashamed). So, where is all the porn coming from?

Who are these people–,, etc– who are so desperate for me to see pornographic material that they would try and trick me into looking at it? Do they feel they are doing me some kind of service? Do I, through my various emails and blog posts, come across as so thirsty for titillation of any kind that I will die like a desert traveler, my t-shirt tied to my head for protection from the sun, holes worn in my jeans from the constant abrasion of the pitiless sand, my lips blistered from sunburn and windburn and sheer dehydration, if I do not see girls go wild?

Of course, I know it’s nothing I did. SPAM, like Scabies, pops up suddenly and is hard to get rid of. You don’t know how you got it, but you’re pretty sure it was that airline blanket that you knew you shouldn’t use, but it was just so cold and your air vent seemed to be stuck in the open position. Someday, the glut of SPAM will be cured, but until then, why, Lord, why was I stricken with such an affliction.

I’m sure everyone else gets SPAM, too. Share with me, if you will, your favorite porno mail subject line.

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  1. I don't have a favourite porn email subject. However, if I get FOR THE GLORY OF GOD one more time, I may scream. I get it like 10 times a day, but it feels like I'm deleting it 70 times 7. Now if I believed for one second that these people were actually planning to give me the money they're promising…

    November 20, 2007
  2. Hotmail got too much spam, so I dumped it. I use my Yahoo! account only sometimes, but no spam (except the spam that Yahoo! sends). I have two Gmail accounts, and my professional account has no spam. As for the other…


    Have a lovely day! 🙂

    November 21, 2007
  3. You've qualified for a home equity loan/credit card/gift certificate so you can afford a penis implant AND nursing school!!!!While you're waiting for your free business cards and low, low priced printer ink, you can be a secret shopper!!! Hurry before this offer expires. This is our final, final, final attempt to contact you.
    Your pals, Emily, Melinda, Mike, Sandra and Jamal
    Operators are standing by!!!

    November 21, 2007
  4. I just keep getting the ones that want me to go to cop school. Yeah…that's a good idea.

    November 21, 2007
  5. Since I got gmail several weeks ago, I've only gotten two spam emails – way better than when I had hotmail.

    November 24, 2007

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