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50 Shades Freed (and not as previously reported, Darker) chapter 23 recap or “THE FOG.”

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Before we get going into the recap proper, a member of Troutnation needs your help. She has three beautiful children that she is in danger of losing to her abusive ex-husband, who is countering claims that she has abused the children. Alleging that the fleeing partner is guilty of child abuse is a common tactic of abusers; it deflects the attention away from their abuse and puts the fleeing partner– who is often short of resources to defend hirself– on the defensive. I’ve known many women who have lost their children because they dared to leave, and I’m fucking sick of it. If you can help out monetarily, that would be great. If you can’t, please boost her signal and help her reach her goal, so she has a chance at fair representation in court. THE LINK IS HERE.

Let me start off this recap by saying that I love, love, L-O-V-E love the way you guys look forward to my recaps. I really do. And in the past, I’ve kicked my own ass trying to keep these recaps on some kind of regular schedule. But as much fun as I have doing them, I do have obligations in my life that sometimes impose upon my laborious slog through blogging these bullshit books. These are mentally stressful and time consuming (each chapter clocks in at around eight hours worth of work), so please, please be patient with me if I’m not jumping right on the chapters with the same speed I was at the beginning of this death march. Early on in my recaps of the first book, I said that this was going to be like a marathon. It’s actually turned out to be more like the marathon from Run, Fatboy, Run. I am Simon Pegg, trying to run a marathon on a broken ankle here. So I hope you all understand.

Also, a lot of you have been asking if I would blog “the last chapter of.” Oh, what dear, sweet, optimistic things you are. We’ve still got chapters twenty-five and twenty-six, as well as a sixteen page epilogue, a short-story from four-year-old Christian’s ridiculously stilted POV, and the beginning events of 50 Shades of Grey written from Chedward’s POV. We are not done. We are not done by a long shot.

And can I just, while we’re on this subject… what the fuck is up with people writing a book in the heroine’s first person POV, then rewriting the same book from the hero’s first person POV? From a reader’s perspective, that doesn’t even sound remotely interesting to me; I cannot think of a single book I would want to read over, from a different POV. Even if you handed me a copy of Les Miserables and you were like, “Oh yeah, same book, but it’s all from Javert’s POV,” I would be like, “Nah, I’m good with the original, thanks.” I could thoroughly understand writing the first book in the series from one POV, then writing the next from the opposite POV, but I can’t for the life of me imagine why someone would want to read the same story twice. And from a writing standpoint, I break out into a cold sweat just imagining it. If you mess up one tiny little detail, you’re going to hear about it, because if a reader liked the first book enough to reread it from a second POV, they’re going to have liked it enough to remember all the little details you can’t avoid fucking up. So from now on, if you’re writing a book, and there are pertinent details in the other character’s view point, why not just– and this is revolutionary, I tell ya– put all that shit into the book in the first damn place?

Now that I’ve got my Andy Rooney pants firmly strapped on, let’s hit this recap like the truck I’d like to hit both Ana and Chedward with.

When we last left Bella Ana, she had just gone to the dance studio the ransom drop to save her mom Mia from James the vampire Jack Hyde the stalker. Even though she had no proof that her mom Mia was being held by James the vampire  Jack the stalker, she didn’t tell anyone, not even Edward Cullen, who finds her just in time and heroically rescues her.

Now, Bella Ana is in the hospital, trying super hard not to look anything like she’s in the “Bella becomes a vampire” portion of Breaking Dawn. But she’s just not that good at looking like her own character, because this is what happens next:

There is only pain. My head, my chest… burning pain. My side, my arm. Pain. Pain and hushed words in the gloom. Where am I? Though I try, I cannot open my eyes. The whispered words become clearer… a beacon in the darkness.

I feel guilty comparing this chapter to the Bella-turns-into-a-vampire chapter in Breaking Dawn, because Breaking Dawn is written better. Through the melodrama, Ana hears:

“Her ribs are bruised, Mr. Grey, and she has a hairline fracture to her skull, but her vital signs are stable and strong.”

“Why is she still unconscious?”

“Mrs. Grey has had a major contusion to her head. But her brain activity is normal, and she has no cerebral swelling. She’ll wake when she’s ready. Just give her some time.”

“And the baby?” The words are anguished, breathless.

“The baby’s fine, Mr. Grey.”

“Oh, thank God.” The words are a litany… a prayer.

Yeah, we know what a litany is. We’re not stupid. Also, I refuse to believe that Ana’s brain activity is normal. This is a woman who thinks Tess of The D’Urbervilles is a romantic comedy. Not only is the presence of normal brain activity questionable at best, but so is the presence of any brain at all.

By they by, because this is totally not Breaking Dawn, Ana keeps conveniently waking up for exposition points and lapsing into unconsciousness when the reader’s question has been answered. Let’s count them as we go, shall we?

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.

When she wakes again:

My eyes and mouth are resolutely shut, unwilling to open.

Again, thanks for clearing that up for us, Ana, because we couldn’t tell they were unwilling to open from the part of the sentence where you said they were resolutely shut.

In this slice of awareness, Ana overhears Christian arguing with his father about leaving Ana’s side, and she overhears their conversation about Mia, who was roofied by Jack Hyde. Also, Ana saved Mia’s life, which we all saw coming. I mean, we’ve heard about Ana’s bravery over and over again for three books, right?

“I know. I’m feeling seven kinds of foolish for relenting on her security. You warned me, but Mia is so stubborn. If it wasn’t for Ana here…”

So, there we have Carrick, telling his son, “You’re right. The only way to protect these headstrong young women is by keeping them on total lockdown. I should have listened.” Which is exactly what Christian Grey needs: a man he admires backing up his shitty misogynist ideas.

And Carrick, don’t you mean you’re feeling seven shades of foolish?

Carrick tells Christian that Ana is a “remarkable young woman,” which we keep hearing over and over again from so many different characters, yet we’ve never once seen proof of in the book. If anything, with all the pratfalls, the utter lack of any life experience, and the fact that she almost never talks in front of secondary characters, they should believe that she’s completely unremarkable.

It was at this point in the chapter, by the way, that I realized we were going to have to read about Ana being “brave” about a hundred and fifty times per page.

Ana’s unconscious again, so the score now is:

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
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That looks like a dude forcefully exhaling a massive bong rip.

The very next sentence, by the way, is:

The fog lifts but I have no sense of time.

Just in case you were keeping tags on what THE FOG was doing.

Hey, I bet you thought the tampon scene was the grossest thing you’d ever read in this series. Let’s just take a look here…

“If you don’t take her across your knee, I sure as hell will. What the hell was she thinking?”

“Trust me, Ray, I just might do that.”

Let’s examine all the ways this is fucking disturbing. One, we know all about Ana and Chedward’s bedroom activities, and how often they involve spankings, or sexy threats of spankings. In addition, we know that Ana and Chedward are masters of the uncomfortable innuendo, so you know where Christian’s mind is. That’s one point for gross. The second, more disturbing point of grossness is that Ana’s father is telling her husband to beat her, because it’s what she deserves. And it marks the second time in this chapter that an older male figure has backed up Christian in his belief that women should be treated like unruly children.

Ana’s out again, so:

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…

Someone should type up this entire section of the book, and find/replace “fog” with “burning,” then print the file. I bet money a hardbound copy of Breaking Dawn shoots out of your printer.

Ana comes to again to hear Christian arguing with a detective, telling him that Ana is in no condition to be questioned. You know the police, always trying to interrogate coma patients. What does the detective say, when Chedward says Ana can’t be questioned?

“She’s a headstrong young woman, Mr. Grey.”

Wait, what? I understand that what E.L. is trying to do here is have the detective grudgingly praise Ana to reinforce to the reader just how brave and headstrong and totally like a real, not two-dimensional character Ana is in spite of the overwhelming evidence to the contrary. But it just sounds like he’s accusing her of being stubborn for being in the coma and unwilling to answer his questions.

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We learn that Elizabeth is informing on Jack, and Jack is “twisted” which we already knew from the hundred and fifty-seven other times he’s been described as twisted, and then… THE FOG!

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…
  4. The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down… down. No!

Then she hears Christian and his mother arguing over the fact that Ana and Christian were having marital troubles, and we are blessedly spared the fog:

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…
  4. The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down… down. No!
  5. The world dips and blurs and I’m gone.

But then she comes-to again in the middle of another discussion between Christian and his mom:

“You told me you’d cut all ties.” Grace is talking. Her voice is quiet, admonishing.

“I know.” Christian sounds resigned. “But seeing her finally put it all in perspective for me. You know… with the child. For the first time I felt… What we did… it was wrong.”

“What she did, darling… Children will do that to you. Make you look at the world in a different light.”

Remember when Grace first found out about Mrs. Robinson and Christian’s statutory naughty times? And she blamed Christian for it? She’s certainly changed her tune now, hasn’t she?

Another thing I find troubling about this section is that we don’t find out what, exactly, Christian is referring to. What they did was wrong… but what? Having sex? The BDSM stuff? The lying? I have this horrible feeling that he means the BDSM, because that’s the road these books have been going down since the moment he opened the playroom door. He needs to be cured of liking BDSM.

And guess who’ll do that? THE BABY! Because babies = nobody ever needing or wanting sex again.

Look, I’m a parent. I’m not going to lie and say that having kids doesn’t change your outlook on life. But I get really pissed off when people act like it changes it to a superior outlook on life. That’s such a crock. Having kids hasn’t made me wiser or more in tune with my sense of right and wrong. I’m just as much of a fuck up as I was before I had kids. The only thing I’ve become more aware of is how to clean gum out of things.

Grace also says:

“[…] I think you can only be truly mad at someone you really love.”

What? That doesn’t even make sense, Grace. Everyone on this planet can think of a time they’ve been truly mad at someone they didn’t even know that well. If being mad at someone means you love them, then the next time I take a bite out of a magic apple, wheel my glass coffin into the capitol building and let any Republican have a crack at me. I’ll be awakened by true love’s kiss in no time.

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Wake up! Oh god, wake up, Ted Cruz is looking over here!

Remember how everyone was like, “Christian gets so much better! You just don’t understand how a series works?” And now we’re getting close to the end of the third book and we’ve yet to see him make literally any progress as a human being, and he has in fact regressed to the mental state of a toddler?

Well, the wait is over. For Christian Grey is about to have THE BIG REVELATION:

“I thought about it, and she’s shown me over and over how much she loves me… to the point of putting her own life in danger.”

No. That’s Stockholm syndrome that you’re seeing. But it doesn’t matter, because this is the point where Christian miraculously becomes… whatever the 50 Shades fans seem to believe is “better,” for some reason.

And then Ana passes out, so:

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…
  4. The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down… down. No!
  5. The world dips and blurs and I’m gone.
  6. Oh… the darkness closes in. No–
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Whatever happened to these guys? They were awesome. Are they just playing comas now or what?

Then Ana wakes up a little and it’s STILL Christian and his mom talking, but now it’s so we can hear Grace talk about being a grandmother, and

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…
  4. The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down… down. No!
  5. The world dips and blurs and I’m gone.
  6. Oh… the darkness closes in. No–
  7. Sweet oblivion beckons.

Then Ana wakes up to feel Christian’s stubble on her hand, and he’s saying how sorry he is and how much he loves her and

  1. I relax, and unconsciousness claims me once more, stealing me away from the pain.
  2. The fog closes in.
  3. I fight the fog… fight… But I spiral down once more into oblivion. No…
  4. The fog surrounds me once more, and I’m dragged down… down. No!
  5. The world dips and blurs and I’m gone.
  6. Oh… the darkness closes in. No–
  7. Sweet oblivion beckons.
  8. But my body disobeys me, and I fall asleep once more.

Remember what I said before about starting with a character waking and ending with a character going to sleep, and how that can make a book feel terrible? IT JUST HAPPENED EIGHT TIMES IN FOUR PAGES. I seriously feel like I need a nap right now.

Finally, Ana wakes up for real, not just to give us exposition:

I have a pressing need to pee. I open my eyes. I’m in the clean, sterile environment of a hospital room.

Where the fuck did you think you were? Just tucked away in somebody’s garage? Down in the basement, behind the Christmas decorations?

She runs her fingers through Christian’s hair, because he’s sleeping with his head on his folded arms at her bedside. He wakes up, sees she’s out of her coma, and they IMMEDIATELY START FIGHTING.

“Ana, stay still. I’ll call a nurse.” He quickly stands, alarmed, and reaches for a buzzer on the bedside.

“Please,” I whisper. Why do I ache everywhere? “I need to get up.” Jeez, I feel so weak.

“Will you do as you’re told for once?” he snaps, exasperated.

The nurse comes in:

She must be in her fifties, though her hair is jet black.

Are you suggesting these things are mutually exclusive, E.L.?

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I mean, really? Are we doing this?

Ana waking from a coma is a total non-event to this nurse, by the way. She doesn’t go to get a doctor or anything. It’s just like, Oh, this patient is awake now? That’s cool. Now, I’m not a medical-type person, but I did work in the ICU/NCU of a hospital before, and I’ve been around when people wake up from days long comas. It wasn’t just like, “Oh hey, glad to see you’re up, no big deal.” It wasn’t an emergency or anything, but nurses and doctors got in there pretty quick to examine the patient. But whatever, we know this isn’t even slightly based in reality. Ana wants to get up to go to the bathroom, but the nurse tells her she has a catheter.

“Let me remove your catheter. Mr. Grey, I am sure Mrs. Grey would like some privacy.” She looks pointedly at Christian, dismissing him.

“I’m not going anywhere.” He glares back at her.

“Christian, please,” I whisper, reaching out and grasping his hand. Briefly he squeezes my hand, then gives me an exasperated look. “Please,” I beg.

“Fine!” he snaps and runs his hand through his hair. “You have two minutes,” he hisses at the nurse, and he leans down to kiss my forehead before turning on his heel and leaving the room.

In real life, I guarantee that nurse calls security and takes her damn time. Christian is behaving in a threatening manner toward her while she’s just trying to see to the best interest of her patient. This is something that will continue to happen, by the way, because Christian Grey knows better than medical professionals what Ana needs.

After Ana’s catheter is out, Christian “bursts” in. Nurse Nora is helping Ana from the bed to the bathroom. LOL, no. Ana said she had a “pressing need” to urinate at the beginning of the section. If she had to pee that bad, I guarantee she already did when the nurse pulled her catheter. But whatever.

“Let me take her,” he says and strides toward us.

“Mr. Grey, I can manage,” Nurse Nora scolds him.

He gives her a hostile glare. “Damnit, she’s my wife. I’ll take her,” he says through gritted teeth as he moves the IV stand out of his way.

“Mr. Grey!” she protests.

He ignores her, leans down, and gently lifts me off the bed. I wrap my arms around his neck, my body complaining.

Your body is complaining because you need to move it, and Christian doesn’t want you to because he knows better than the nurse (who was walking you to the bathroom for a purpose. She could have just brought you a bedpan, moron).

“Mrs. Grey, you’re too light,” he mutters disapprovingly as he sets me gently on my feet.

I’m starting to get really concerned about Ana’s metabolism, okay? We saw that she lost an alarming amount of weight in the five days she and Christian were broken up. We find out later that she’s been unconscious for twenty-four hours. She’s been in this coma, let’s assume that if she was losing a ton of weight they would have started giving her high calorie feedings through an NG tube… how did she lose enough weight that Christian can tell just by lifting her?

But way to body police your wife within minutes of her coming out of a coma. Maybe you should comment on how her hair looks, as well.

Tentatively, I sit down on the toilet.

“Go.” I try to wave him out.

“No. Just pee, Ana.”

Could this be any more embarrassing? “I can’t, not with you here.”

“You might fall.”

“Mr. Grey!”

We both ignore the nurse.

“Please,” I beg.

He raises his hands in defeat. “I’ll stand outside, door open.” He takes a couple of paces back until he’s standing just outside the door with the angry nurse.

Yeah, uh, he’s definitely getting security called on him. The patient is saying, “you are making me uncomfortable, visitor,” and the visitor is refusing to comply with the patient’s request for privacy? Chedward would be out of there.

Nurse Nora has to examine Ana when she gets back from the bathroom:

“How do you feel?” she asks me, her voice laced with sympathy and a trace of irritation, which I suspect is for Christian’s benefit.

She’s just distracted, trying to figure out if she should involve a hospital social worker or just jam domestic violence pamphlets into your bag when you’re discharged.

Ana tells Christian that she’s hungry– and this time, it’s actually for food!

“What do you want to eat?”

“Anything. Soup.”

“Mr. Grey, you’ll need the doctor’s approval before Mrs. Grey can eat.”

He gazes at her impassively for a moment, then takes his BlackBerry out of his pants pocket and presses a number.

“Ana wants chicken soup… Good… Thank you.” He hangs up.

I glance at Nora, whose eyes narrow at Christian.

I’m sure we’re supposed to interpret this scene as Christian valiantly protecting his wife and tenderly caring for her. But in reality, what he’s doing is going against medical advice. All the nurse is suggesting is that the doctor give the go ahead before he starts cramming Ana full of food she might not even be able to hold down.

Christian tells Ana that Mia was drugged, and he tells Ana how “brave” she was and how stupid it was to get involved in the ransom without telling him– he doesn’t remind her it’s also stupid to do such a thing and not involve the authorities– and then he expresses his totally original and not at all repeated every single time something dramatic happens to the two of these overdramatic morons feelings about what happened to Ana:

“I have died a thousand deaths since Thursday.”

He said something similar when he proposed to her, and I believe Ana “died a thousand deaths” while Christian was missing in the helicopter incident. I could be misremembering on that last one, but the point is… I would be happy with them dying just one death. Just one.

Preferably grisly enough that open casket would be impractical.

Hey, what happened to Jack?

“In police custody. Although Hyde is here under guard. They had to remove the bullet you left in him,” Christian says bitterly. “I don’t know where in this hospital he is, fortunately, or I’d probably kill him myself.”

I love how big, tough Chedward is always bragging about what he would do. Remember, it was Taylor and Sawyer who have beaten up Jack Hyde, and Ana hit that guy on the dance floor. Christian always just stands around talking about how he could kick somebody’s ass. I bet Claude Bastille isn’t even a real trainer he sees. He’s totally made up, so Christian can brag, “Yeah, I’m such a good kick boxer that I beat my trainer all the time. He’s really famous, his name is Claude Bastille, he’s won medals.” He’s the guy who doesn’t get involved in a real fight situation when it arises because he insists his fists are registered weapons and he would probably just go berserker and kill the guy, so it’s best if he sits that round out.

Ana assures Christian that she would never actually leave him:

“You took me by surprise,” I mutter into his shirt collar. “When we spoke at the bank. Thinking I was leaving you. I thought you knew me better. I’ve said to you over and over I would never leave.”

Uh, until you had this whole conversation with him about how you were going to leave.

Oh.

Oh shit.

I get it now.

Ana finally got angry enough with Christian that she expressed her anger and didn’t let him off the hook when he tried to fuck his way out of trouble. She didn’t rush to forgive him, so he was unforgiven when she said she was going to leave him. And the moral of the story that results is that because Ana put her foot down about Christian’s unacceptable treatment of her, she created a situation in which he believed she was mad enough to divorce him. This hurt Christian, and that’s the last thing Ana wants to do, so now she’ll probably never, ever do it again.

Christian explains that he had just arrived back in Seattle when the bank called him. He also tells her that he’s mad at her, Sawyer’s mad at her, everyone is mad at her, yadda yadda. Then a doctor comes in:

Dr. Bartley checks my ribs, her fingers probing gently but firmly.

I wince.

“These are bruised, not cracked or broken. You were very lucky, Mrs. Grey.”

Why didn’t they check her for broken ribs like, at any point while she was in the coma?

The doctor tells Ana that she might be able to go home the next day. Really? She was unconscious for more than twenty-four hours, you don’t want to keep her in the hospital for any further tests or observation? Okay. I won’t tell you how to do your job, but only because I really don’t care what happens to Ana.

There’s a knock on the door, and Taylor enters bearing a black cardboard box with Fairmont Olympic emblazoned in cream on the side.

Holy cow!

“Food?” Dr. Bartley says, surprised.

“Mrs. Grey is hungry,” Christian says. “This is chicken soup.”

Dr. Bartley smiles. “Soup will be fine, just the broth. Nothing heavy. Sh looks pointedly at both of us, then exits the room with Nurse Nora.

So, the doctor has made it pretty clear, only broth, right? Well, excuse me, but she might have experience in keeping people from dying and stuff, but she doesn’t have as much money as Christian and therefore he’s just a little bit wiser than her, okay?

Christian is unpacking the box, producing a thermos, soup bowl, side plate, linen napkin, soupspoon, a small basket of bread rolls, silver salt and pepper shakers… The Olympic has gone all-out.

I hope the  reason the doctor said Ana could only have broth, aka, the clear liquid diet, is because she’s on some medication that makes people super nauseated or gassy, and Ana spends the rest of this chapter puking and farting with bruised ribs while everyone stands around talking about how brave and remarkable she is.

“Well, after the bank called and I thought my world had completely fallen apart–” He can’t hide the pain in his voice.

I stop eating. Oh shit.

“Don’t stop eating, or I’ll stop talking,” he whispers, his tone adamant as he glares at me. I continue with my soup.

The soup, by the by, isn’t even broth-based, she describes it as “creamy.” And she eats bread, too. Because money is smarter than knowledge. Or something.

But look at how he manipulates her in that excerpt. He makes her feel guilty for making him believe his “world had completely fallen apart,” and when she reacts to the statement, he gives her a command, which she guiltily follows. He’s making it seem like she can’t count on the doctors or nurses. He’s telling her that everyone is mad at her. Then he’s setting himself up as the only person who truly wants what’s best for her, by controlling her food intake. This is some seriously messed up shit. It’s even more messed up that this was written into the story accidentally.

“Anyway, shortly after you and I had finished our conversation, Taylor informed me that Hyde had been granted bail. How, I don’t know, I thought we’d managed to thwart any attempts at bail. But that gave me a moment to think about what you’d said… and I knew something was seriously wrong.”

Hyde has committed arson, and has broken into the house of a person he is stalking with clear plans to commit rape, kidnapping, and murder. How on earth was he granted bail?

Ana is outraged that Christian believed she was after his money, and Christian keeps  telling her to eat, and Ana asks how Christian found her. Funny story:

“The Saab is fitted with a tracking device. All our cars are. By the time we got near the bank, you were already on the move, and we followed. Why are you smiling?”

“On some level I knew you’d be stalking me.”

“And that is amusing because?” he asks.

“Jack had instructed me to get rid of my cell. So I borrowed Whelan’s cell, and that’s the one I threw away. I put mine into one of the duffel bags so you could track your money.”

Are you scratching your head right now, going, “Uh… wait, that didn’t happen. We were in her POV and that didn’t happen… at least… I don’t remember…?” Well, you’re not crazy. Even though we were in Ana’s POV, we never saw the phone switch happen. During her ordeal, she didn’t think, “Christian will totally be able to find me and save me.” She didn’t even think, “I’m glad I put that phone in that bag.” This is totally new information she’s springing on us, and it’s so jarring because it comes from a narrator who gives us even the most boring, mundane little details of her life, from showering to what she does at work during the day. But this one major plot detail never entered into her inner monologue? This is sloppy writing in the extreme.

Plus, Ana’s car is fitted with a tracking device? And she didn’t know about it? That’s freaky, especially considering how quickly Chedward mobilized a response to her leaving him.

Ana asks Christian to sleep in the bed with her, so he does, and Ana tries to get him to talk about why he went to see Elena:

“Oh, Ana.” He groans. “You want to discuss that now? Can’t we drop this? I regret it, okay?”

Christian went to see his ex-lover, who has purposely meddled in his relationship with Ana, immediately after he exploded at Ana about daring to get pregnant, and Ana is supposed to just let it slide without further comment because he regrets it. Yeah, that sounds fair. It’s okay for you to do whatever you want, Chedward, just so long as you feel really bad about it, and then you’ll never have to answer for it. Ever.

He tells Ana they can talk tomorrow, and then she falls asleep. Nurse Nora is there when Ana wakes up for the ninth time in this chapter, and NN doesn’t like that Chedward and Ana are sharing a bed. Ana asks her to leave him alone, and then Christian has the fakest, most literal sleep babble anyone has ever uttered:

He mumbles in his sleep, “Don’t touch me. No more. Only Ana.”

Ana goes to sleep (again) and wakes up (again) and Christian is gone. Carrick is there, and he’s just come by to remind the reader that Ana is a brave and wonderful hero. He tells Ana that Mia is home now and very angry because of what she went through, and that Grace won’t let Mia out of her sight.

“You need watching, too,” he admonishes. “I don’t want you taking any more silly risks with your life or the life of my grandchild.”

I flush. He knows!

“Grace read your chart. She told me. Congratulations.”

Why the fuck was Grace reading her chart? She’s not Grace’s patient. Yeah, Ana is family, but that’s precisely the reason why Grace shouldn’t have read Ana’s chart. That is incredibly intrusive. She should have asked for permission. No fucking wonder Christian doesn’t know shit about boundaries.

Hey, know what I noticed about this whole thing? Ana saved Mia’s life. And even though everyone acknowledges that she saved Mia’s life, they still say she’s stupid and shouldn’t have done it. That’s Mary Sueishness of the highest degree; the family members of the person Ana endangered herself to save are telling her they wished she hadn’t done it, because she got hurt. Sorry, Mia, but at least you know where you rank now. No wonder she’s angry.

About the baby, Carrick says:

“Christian will come around,” he says gently. “This will be the best thing for him. Just… give him some time.”

You’re right, Carrick! When someone is an abusive, controlling monster toward his wife, the very best thing for him is to have to adapt his volatile temper and rigorous thinking around a child. That’s a sure fire cure for psychological issues.

Carrick also assures Ana that the doctors, Dr. Bartley (who is African-American) and Dr. Singh (who has a name of Asian origin) are good doctors. You know, just in case they needed to be vetted by a safe white lady.

Christian brings Ana breakfast, and marvels at how hungry she is. She says:

“It’s because I’m pregnant, Christian.”

Um… you’re barely pregnant. It’s probably because you were in a coma and you’re always perched on the very edge of starvation, to begin with.

Christian has come to accept the fact that he’s going to be a father, but he’s afraid he’s not going to be a very good one. Don’t worry, Chedward. Grace and Carrick have both unequivocally stated, having kids changes people, so you’ll probably be fine. Ana even thinks so:

“Of course you can. You’re loving, you’re fun, you’re strong, you’ll set boundaries. Our child will want for nothing.”

Photo on 2013-10-03 at 13.27
Do you hear yourself, book?

How is Christian going to set boundaries? He has no clue what they are. The only boundaries we’ve seen him set have been this grandiose, bizarre ones, like “You’re not allowed to come past the Mississippi,” or “If you roll your eyes, I’ll spank you.” He’s paying for his ex-stalker’s art school tuition. This is not a man who could define “boundaries” on a vocabulary test.

“Yes, it would have been ideal to have waited. To have longer, just the two of us. But we’ll be three of us, and we’ll all grow up together. We’ll be a family. Our own family. And your child will love you unconditionally, like I do.”

A) You need to be grown up before the baby gets there. Because you’re the grown ups, and your shit needs to be at least partially figured out before you decide to take on another human life. It’s not the baby’s responsibility to teach you shit about life and how to grow up. B) You don’t have to have kids to be a family. C) Your child might love you unconditionally, for a while. But then it gets older, and it realizes that you’re a shitty parent, and it gets a blog and it tells EVERYONE.

Then Ana calls the baby Blip, and Christian is all:

“I had the name Junior in my head.”

And Ana is all:

“Junior it is, then.”

And then Christian is like:

“But I like Blip.”

And I go: It doesn’t really matter what you idiots call it now, because your moms are Grace and Carla, so you’re going to name the baby Grarlac anyway. And then the chapter is over.

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188 Comments

  1. Jess Chapman
    Jess Chapman

    OMG.

    Remember how E.L. said she’d written herself into the book somewhere?

    She’s Nurse Nora.

    IT ALL MAKES SENSE NOW.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Tori
      Tori

      No way, she’d never be that annoyed with Chedward. CHEDWARD IS PERFECT, OK?!

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
    • You know, that’s what I thought too, at first, but I am not sure. I don’t think she’d be so hateful to herself. I think Jenny’s theory that she’s Ana’s intelligence (subconscious) may be correct.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Jaycie
        Jaycie

        But of course she would. Don’t we all share that level of self-loathing for not being as beautiful, brave, witty, warm and headstrong as Chedward needs his woman to be?

        Kidding. Of course E.L. is Ana’s subconscious.

        October 5, 2013
        |Reply
  2. Jade
    Jade

    First of all SQUEALS for having a new recap.

    Second, just bought the Boss yesterday. Reading it on the bus and keeping a straight face proved to be a challenge this morning. Hot read for sure. Also: Neil is so Anthony Head. Love it.

    Third, Ana was in the hospital? I had to go back to your last recap to remember that, oh yeah, Jack beat the (double) crap out of her. Huh. Oh well… Now I’m off to read this awesome new recap! Thank you Jenny!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  3. I rather like the name Carlace…

    Oh lawd…the amount of eye-rolling I did while reading about Ana’s wake/sleep routine this chapter was massive. Fantastic recap as always, and please don’t stress about getting these out; I know it’s a ton of work, and am appreciative that you’ve stuck with it. You deserve a freaking medal, girl.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  4. Simi Shrivasthva
    Simi Shrivasthva

    Eeeeeeeeeeeee!!
    i was waiting for this for so long!! i lurve you Jenny!

    btw, this book accidentally on purpose broke my bestie’s relationship. 🙁

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • I’m curious, how did it do that? (if you don’t mind sharing with non-identifying details). I always thought these books would be more destructive than helpful in relationships.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  5. “Where the fuck did you think you were? Just tucked away in somebody’s garage? Down in the basement, behind the Christmas decorations?”

    Absolutely the best line.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  6. Heidi
    Heidi

    “And Carrick, don’t you mean you’re feeling seven shades of foolish?” I totally read it this way to begin with, and had to go back and see what it actually said, lol.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Me too.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Allee E
        Allee E

        Me three. I had to reread it a couple times after I saw your comment to really see that it WASN’T written like that in the first place.

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
  7. Zee
    Zee

    I haven’t finished reading yet, but:

    1. Catherine Tate? I love you. I still do Lauren the Teenager impressions … when I mimick my local accent (I live among Laurens).

    2. A catheter removes the need to pee. I had one in for ten days once. I hated the first time I needed to pee, about 12 hours after having it removed. My sister saw them empty it once and said ‘are they taking the piss?’ Which cracked me up so bad. Although I think that’s an English phrase, after the beta-reading project you set up …

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Corey
      Corey

      The whole catheter scene was so hilariously wrong. EL James really thinks that urinating into a catheter is a conscious action?! Most people consult experts before writing medical (or legal, or military, or banking, etc.) details into books, but ELJ couldn’t even be bothered to find someone who had HAD a catheter.

      May 2, 2020
      |Reply
  8. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    The Darkness did a European tour with Gaga early last year. And they had an album coming out if it’s not out already. Good news, right?!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Stella
      Stella

      “Hot Cakes” is out! Basically Justin got big into drugs, blew all his money, fell out with his brother and quit the band. Then he cleaned up his act, he and Dan made up, and they reformed with the original lineup. Hooray!

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Meghan
        Meghan

        I know. I totally forgot my husband had it already! It’s so good!

        October 15, 2013
        |Reply
  9. Melodie
    Melodie

    I felt so bad for the nurse when I was reading this recap. Seriously douche, chill, she’s just doing her job. How could anyone find the way he was behaving after his supposed wife woke up from a coma romantic? It was downright assholish and abusive. He wouldn’t even let her pee by herself despite her asking to? The hospital totally should have called security on his ass.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • I really, really agree. Christian’s behaviour would be exhausting to Ana, the way he treats her and she has to halt him – it’s exhausting on day-to-day basis, let alone when she barely has strength for anything else.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  10. There is so much wrong with this. I just want to beat Chedward up all the time. Every time he opens his mouth and commands everybody around him to do stuff.
    Just the fact that Ana has to BEG him to do anything that doesn’t immediately suit him. Like leaving the bathroom so that she can pee. If there is anyone who should be told to “for once just do what he’s told” it’s Chedward.
    These books has just gotten worse. In the first book he’s nice to her compared to what he is now.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  11. Jude Lb
    Jude Lb

    Honestly, I can understand the draw of reading a very good book from the other person’s POV. I read and absolutely LOVED Midnight Sun. I just hope Meyer gets off her ass and finishes it. It’s much better than from Bella’s POV. But then Edward is a MUCH nicer person than that ass Christian.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Alys B. Cohen
      Alys B. Cohen

      She won’t finish it. She claimed to be hurt that someone leaked it, but the reality is it wasn’t well-reveived and she was hurt that people thought it make Edward look like the psychotic stalker he is. Bree Tanner, which was published, was badly panned, and now she ways the Twilight universe is no longer a positive place for her. She was so shielded from criticism by her famiy (her BROTHER checks her e-mail to filter it for her) that any slight amounts she did hear rendered her incapable of continuing Midnight sun or the other books she talked about, like Re-name-me and Jacob’s future a few years after BD.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        Oh so when ELJ blocks anyone who asks her questions on Twitter etc, shes only taking copying what SM does to its literal conclusion.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
      • dani
        dani

        I agree. I read the Twilight series just to be able to know what it was about. Sucked. Bella hates EVERYONE and tunes everyone around her out. Midnight Sun was like… how the book should’ve been. We got to see and meet all of the other characters and the mind reading was interesting as well. It was just… I dunno. More involved. I would have bought that book. The creepy stalkerish stuff was just a nice bonus of justification to everything I had thought about the book. Too bad it will never be

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      I think the appeal of Midnight Sun for me was that Edward can read minds, and I wanted to be in everyone’s head except Bella’s, lol!

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • That definitely filled in all the blanks caused by reading it from only Bella’s POV the first time! 🙂

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
    • Honestly, guys I read only the first chapter of Midnight Sun and I have to disagree as my soul wept. It was so much worse than what I had pictured – though truly, I am an utter optimist, so that’s just my fault I guess.
      1. The Cullens are JACKHOLES – why would they insist in bringing Jasper to school if it’s literally hurting him and he is pretty much about to go on a killing spree, like every second he is there?!!
      2. Edward is the worst person in the world. He hates everything and everybody and thinks his problems are the biggest ever and no one else has problems.
      3. The characters are waaaaaay too one-dimensional and you think mind-reading will give them layers, but no. They are just as deep as a sheet of paper.
      4. If he hates school so much, why is he fucking there?! There’s so much more productive things he can be doing right now – from blogging about his feelings to curing cancer!
      5. It proved my point that Edward only likes Bella because he can’t read her mind/she smells nice. But really, you don’t HAVE to be a mind-reader to know what she’s thinking, she’s not a open book, she’s a goddamn audio book!
      6. It also showed how staying there was utterly ridiculous. He could’ve been out the door in no time and if he really missed fresh air – why not crack a window? I am pretty sure you could do that.
      7. Also – standing there and plotting the best way to kill everyone. Yes, that’s definitely the romantic hero I want!

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anon
        Anon

        I posted this in a previous recap thread but will post a slightly revised version of it here, too, as it’s relevant. As you pointed out, one of the more “swoon worthy” moments comes during their initial meeting, when he contemplates the most effective way to drain Bella and get away with it.

        IIRC, he systematically plans out how and where to start killing his teacher and classmates, right down to the order in which he will begin snapping necks.

        Even creepier, the “family” tosses around the idea of killing Bella. Edward hints at this in Twilight, but hearing it is something entirely different.

        It didn’t surprise me at all that Jasper and Rosalie were on Team murder.

        No joke, the first few chapters of Midnight Sun read like something out of a halfway decent horror novel (Don’t look at me like that), something I really didn’t expect from Meyer.

        I found everything especially chilling because I was reading/listening to the file via a screen reading program.

        Imagine hearing that shit read to you by a robotic voice with zero inflection.

        Also, you can just bet that the same people who swear that Christian “gets better” read Midnight Son and went super gooey when the near instalove Edward feels upon watching her sleep for the first time hit him because “twue wuv changed him; squeeeeeeeeeee!”

        I can tell you that, for me, reading/listening to that version of events did color my re-reading experience of the Twilight books which, at that time, I kind of liked; my only excuse is youth and a limited understanding of antifeminism, feminist theories, and feminist precepts.

        On an entirely different note, it baffles me how rabid, pro-alpha male Christian Gray fans could possibly overlap with rabid Edward Cullen fans.

        Sure, Edward is over protective and displays some alpha tendencies, but , and this is provided the Fifty fans are going with the MRA definition of alpha, Edward would be shoved into the beta cuck box for A, allowing Bella to have the final word on seeing Jacob, B, allowing Bella to cry on his shoulder about losing Jacob’s friendship, C, letting Alice keep the car after Bella successfully escapes on Jacob’s bike, D, allowing Bella to keep Renesmee despite the risk to her safety, and, most importantly, E, damn near begging Jacob to father a child with Bella because carrying a werewolf’s baby would, in theory, be less life threatening than carrying a half-vampire.

        I’m sure there are other things, but you hopefully get my point.

        May 21, 2020
        |Reply
  12. Polliwog
    Polliwog

    I was giggling through the whole recap, and then I hit “Grarlac” and lost it. If I ever get pregnant, I’m totally calling the fetus Grarlac. (I will give it a proper name once it comes out, because I’m not a monster.)

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      I can’t stop laughing at “Garlac” too. Bwahaha.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      ‘Grarlac’ is doubly hilarious to me because it just sounds like a creature from a fantasy novel. Like, ‘The ancient beast Grarlac haunts the mines of Thandor, killing all who enter.’

      ‘Beware of Grarlac the Destroyer.’

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Suzy
        Suzy

        I was thinking they could call it Carace (pronounced car race). Then for a nickname the could call it Daytona 500, or just 500. Cause that’s how many kinds of fucked their child will be!

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        Surely you meant “how many shades of fucked,” Suzy.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
      • Alex
        Alex

        This would be quite appropriate if it follows in Renesme’s tiny footsteps and snaps Ana’s spine, drinks her blood and starts twisting bystanders to its bidding.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • OMG, “Grarlac” made me laugh so hard. Now I’m going to picture Ana incubating an orc.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  13. I just keep scrolling back up to that picture of you. “Can you hear yourself, book?” and I’m off into peals of laughter.

    I wish I could convince the friend who got me to read these horrible books to read your recaps in return.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  14. I was so happy to see that you posted another chapter of the recap! It made my day a little bit better. I can’t believe that anyone thinks that instantly berating you the second you wake up from a coma is a sign of True Love ™. Then again, I can’t believe anyone thinks any part of these books are romantic.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  15. Wait! 50 Shades Darker? I thought this was 50 Shades Freed?

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Georgiana
      Georgiana

      *snicker* I noticed that too, and then I was all, *LE SIGH* It’s Jenny. 🙂

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Zee
        Zee

        I think Jenny did it on purpose, like ‘aren’t all these shitty books the exact same?’ 😉

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
  16. This fucking guy…

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  17. Amanda
    Amanda

    Grarlac!!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  18. I think that most people who say this crap is great or romantic or whatever didn’t really read it. I read a comment on a negative review by someone who claims to loving the trilogy, but that she was a speed reader so maybe that’s why she wasn’t bothered by all the redundancies. Yeah, cause you didn’t really read it, bitch! You think it’s possible that most are simply lemmings who think they are supposed to like it, so they say they do, even though they don’t? Those people exist, and I would prefer that to the actual sick bimbos who truly think this vomit is the perfect love story. *shudder*

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • To this woman you describe – you know, speedreading isn’t the same as skimming, it’s just reading in a faster speed. To you – I agree, but there are people who enjoy the books and it’s not like they don’t see some of the problems, it’s just ‘Meh. It’s a fantasy.’

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Anon
        Anon

        Sigh.

        Yeah, FSOG is nothing but a “fantasy” that has influenced scores of people, reinforced rape culture and granted legitimacy to the notion that what women really want is to be dominated in and out of bed.

        Let’s not even talk about the untold ways in which this literary travesty has harmed victims of intimate partner violence who’ve escaped the “fantasy” and lived to tell the tale.

        Moreover, if I’d lost a friend or loved one to an abuser after watching helplessly as he or she fell victim to the same tactics that Ana did, only to see said friend or loved one’s final months or years get packaged and sold as a “fantasy” and gulped up by women and girls all over the world, I’d be devastated.

        Dismissing these books as “just fiction” or “just a fantasy” spits in the faces of everyone in the aforementioned groups. Just something to think about.

        May 21, 2020
        |Reply
  19. longtime reader, sometime commenter
    longtime reader, sometime commenter

    Another reason the kickboxing trainer must be imaginary: Chedward said he’s an Olympic champion, but kickboxing is not, nor has it ever been, an Olympic sport. Karate, judo, taekwondo and wrestling are (though wrestling just got cut) so he might be a karate champion moonlighting as a kickboxing instructor, but then why wouldn’t Chedward practice karate so he can brag about his badass martial arts skillz? I mean, he’s already a second-rate Bruce Wayne. Childhood trauma, orphanhood, rich family, moody billionaire who’s oh so misunderstood…ELJ manages to ruin not just sex but also Batman! Is nothing sacred???

    In my headcanon, Chedward hired first Leila and then Jack to kill Ana so Chedward can collect on the insurance policy he bought right after meeting/claiming/marrying her. That’s why he refuses to call the police ever and was so pissed when she wasn’t home for Jack’s break-in, and why he’s so angry at her in the hospital after Jack failed to kill her. Sure, Chedward used his money to influence the judge at the hearing…to make sure that Jack made bail! The (incompetent) bodyguards aren’t in on the plan, so Chedward is also pissed at them for catching Jack, and that’s why he’s treating Taylor like shit now. Every plot hole so far can be explained by Chedward being the villain.

    I would love to see an alternate story where a supporting character discovers Chedward’s shady dealings and tries to put together enough evidence to stop him. He’s paid off the police and the mayor! He can track anyone foolish enough to oppose him! The protagonist isn’t safe anywhere! But luckily Chedward’s too stupid to know that if you’re remotely deleting emails from a server, you have to delete all of them, not just half of them! All the evidence is just sitting there, along with Ana’s flirtations! Take that, Chedward, destroyed by your own hubris!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      It’s basically been my official headcanon since the first book that Chedward is the real villain and he secretly works with the mafia and has bought off the police. Moreso, Taylor is an undercover FBI agent and Kate is just a headstrong reporter working on a hunch. And maybe Taylor and Kate and, hell, Prescott team up and bust Christian.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • longtime reader, sometime commenter
        longtime reader, sometime commenter

        Yes yes yes! Taylor and Kate are the heroes who investigate Chedward’s evildoing! Everyone Chedward ever fired helps them out!

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
    • SandorClegane13
      SandorClegane13

      I love this head-canon of yours. Mind if I adopt it for my own?

      In the hands of an adept writer (which compared to James could be anyone, including my dog) that would actually make for a pretty neat story. And the title “Master of the Universe” would be fitting for it. Naturally, the delicious climax would be the universe slipping from his itchy hands and the inevitable meltdown that follows.

      Or better yet; Ana, Kate, and Mia team up and go “Death Proof” on his ass.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
    • mandi rei
      mandi rei

      The spitefic Darker Shade of Pale has Ana getting a new bodyguard, who coincidently has a fraternal twin sister who was once Chedward’s sub. The new bodyguard also works with the FBI, because Christian has a contract with the military to deliver some weapons… instead, he has gone rogue and made the bodyguard’s twin sister into a glittery zombie /vampire hybrid. Ana gets creeped out, fake her death with the bodyguards help, and goes into hiding.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        Dude, I am definitely checking that out. It sounds interesting.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
  20. Georgiana
    Georgiana

    DUDE, OMG! When Jacen was in the hospital, the nurse asked if he wanted to have me leave the room just to answer medical type questions (HIPAA). I can just imagine if I was causing a disturbance! E.L.’s lack of a grip on reality is just amazing to me sometimes. The patient is always a nurse’s FIRST concern, not what the patient’s dick husband wants. Oh, and they take that HIPAA shit VERY seriously. IDK for absolute certain if Grace reading her chart tote violates HIPAA since Grace is a doctor, but I’m thinking maybe yeah because Grace isn’t HER doctor? Oh, and speaking of not reality… Gray eyes are, if nothing else, very cool. There is nothing warm about them, much less burning or smoldering. GRAY EYES DO NOT SMOLDER, E.L. JAMES.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      I am SUPER DISGUSTED that Grace told her fucking husband about the pregnancy though. And that he then thinks it’s OK to mention it. They hadn’t had it announced to them by the parents. For all she knew Ana hadn’t even told Ched. For all she knew, whether or not Ana had told Ched, she might have been considering/planning a termination. So she goes and shares confidential information with someone who then puts pressure on Ana to have the baby.

      it’s absolutely repellent in every possible way that ELJ thinks it’s OK to have this happen. well, that applies to everything in this ‘book’ but you know what I mean.

      ELJ’s vocabulary choices are very noticeable in this context, the “coma”, the hospital etc. So much ‘threatening’, ‘glaring’, ‘adamant’ ‘snapping’ ‘hostile glare’ ‘gritted teeth’ ‘hissing’ etc. I know she always uses these words to describe how romantically Ched treats his wife (women of the world, WHYYYYY do you like this shit) but in this dramatic-sickness context they just seem all the more appalling.

      If you were that nurse, you’d see a dramatically undernourished frail woman rushing to obey every whim of a nasty, rude, hectoring, vile man barking orders and ignoring what the doctor says – that bit about him picking her up made me feel physically sick, such a picture of battered-person syndrome – and you’d be calling the social services. You would have to. I’d be afraid for Ana’s life if I witnessed any of these scenes.

      It’s been said a million times on here I know but ELJ somehow managed to make a note perfect picture of an abusive relationship and it seems like it was all by accident? because this is her “fantasy” ? this is DiSTURBING SHIT. if this was marketed as having insight into how men abuse, why women stay with abusers, the power dynamics involved, etc, it would have people praising it for its unrelentingly brutal and brave accuracy…

      I’m gonna rewrite it only have Ched be a bin man with no money. the helicopter will become a ford mondeo and the big house will become a council flat in one of the shittier parts of east London. That should be enough changes to get me around plagiarism charges. And mine’s going to be a searing portrayal of a domestic abuse victim and the psychological reality of a vicious abuser (think Tyrannosaur or Nil by Mouth or The Woman Who Walked into Doors) and therefore will win the booker prize. and I will hardly have to change a thing.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Georgiana
        Georgiana

        I see no reason not to keep it in the US and give ol’ Ched a sturdy hunk of finely engineered American steel. I’m talking about the good old gas guzzlin’, bake the baby in the back classic forever immortalized in cinema. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAPraL1f_C4 Check out that upholstery. The beauty of it is, it’s the quintessential FAMILY vehicle, perfect for a growing brood! As a Gen X’er, I think I speak for all of us when I say this brings back a lot of childhood memories. And maybe a tear or 2.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • Melicious
      Melicious

      um, my eyes are grey–are you telling me other people never perceive my eyes as warm? that makes me sad. apparently i’m only allowed to be an ice princess because i have cold eyes. 🙁

      February 16, 2015
      |Reply
      • A. Corbeau
        A. Corbeau

        I have gray eyes too. Of course they can express mirth, sadness, hurt, anger, tenderness and every other human feeling, just like brown eyes do. But it’s my expression or my gaze that turns warm, not my eyes. They remain gray.

        December 7, 2022
        |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      My dad talks in his sleep and my mom says it’s just incoherent mumbling. So maybe Christian said exactly that in an incoherent mumble and Ana’s just like “OMG, he’s talking about me.”

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  21. OK, so I’m a chronic patient. I have a connective tissue disorder, which causes untold amounts of fun medical stuff. I’ve had three surgeries this year. I know what happens in hospitals.

    My husband is always there holding my hand when they take out the catheter. And no one ever suggests he leave. But it’s not like he’s staring at my ladyjunk while they take it out or anything. He’s holding my hand. Because he knows it’s the ONE thing I hate more than anything with all my health problems. He also takes me to the bathroom. I also pee in front of him. But hey, I’ve delivered children in front of him and shat in front of him, so… Our relationship is a bit more chronologically advanced and mature than Ana and Chedward’s relationship. We’ve been together a decade and have three kids. I can’t imagine a few months after meeting him I’d have wanted him taking me potty.

    And OMG NO HOW STUPID DO YOU HAVE TO BE! You don’t eat after something like that. You will vomit immediately. And it doesn’t matter how persistent your dbag husband is. You don’t get creamy soup and bread.

    Jesus, Erika is living in some kind of fog of stupidity. See what I did there?

    I’m gonna have to start getting high if I’m going to keep reading these.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Laina1312
      Laina1312

      Plus I’m assuming if you asked him to leave, he would. Which is the big part for me.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Sorry to hear about your health stuff. It’s good that you have that support though. I really hope things work out well for you!

      I haven’t been frequently in and out of hospitals, but I do know that not eating for a while alone would be enough to make even broth hard to digest. Ana, regardless of how starving she was, would likely only be able to tolerate maybe a cup and would probably have to be monitored to make sure she didn’t scarf a whole bunch down (which would make her vomit quickly and be a huge blow to her digestive tract.)

      Add in the trauma from injury and the fact that she’s recovering and there’s no way she’d tolerate anything creamy, starchy, or heavily seasoned.

      And she’d probably be pretty dehydrated and/or thirsty.

      Also, I just severely doubt that the doctor’s going to come in, prod at Ana a bit, then be all “Go ahead, have some soup, whatevs, lol.” I just think they’d want to ask her some questions and test her cognitive functions. I mean, even if they did all the scans while she was unconscious, they’re going to want to make sure everything’s alright and her senses aren’t impaired, right?

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
    • Yup! After my knee reconstruction I ate two little chocolate puddings – I wanted jelly but the cafeteria didn’t have any so chocolate is what husband got – and let’s just say they made a fairly quick reappearance.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Zee
        Zee

        When I was in for pancreatitis, I was nil by mouth. It took them a week to say I could drink water. Two more days to move on to tea and soup. I only had a couple of days eating in hospital.

        And when they took my gallbladder out, they encouraged me to eat so I would throw up. They needed me to get rid of excess bile. The only bed was in a joint-replacement ward, so all these old ladies with new hips and knees were treated to a river of green coming up. And afterwards, I ate again. Best tasting toast ever.

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
  22. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    I’m glad you got around to this recap. I’m surprised by how much more book there is left though. I was absolutely positive there’d be this chapter and then an epilogue and you’d be finished.

    I want to whip out pompoms and cheer you on, because there’s not THAT much book left, but it’s this book and I would bet real, actual money that E.L. James found a way to make every page as painful as possible.

    I am looking forward to you getting to the epilogue though, because that’s the part of this series that I’ve always found particularly upsetting and I’d like to hear your take on it.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  23. Oh my God, thanks for reminding me how awesome The Darkness are! Think I might be playing one of their albums on the way to work tomorrow… On a related note, I once went to see them live and Justin floated down from the ceiling on an enormous pair of breasts, the nipples of which squirted foam into the crowd. It was a) hilarious and b) more erotic than anything in these books. 😉

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  24. Suzy
    Suzy

    I was recently in the ER with kidney stones. A week after the initial movement I had to take myself back because the pain got so bad I was violently throwing up. Three things: 1. My throat was on fire and my mouth was so dry I couldn’t stop coughing. I had to wait 20 minutes for the ER doctor to see me before I could even have a dixie cup of ice chips! WTF, Chicken Soup? 2. Morphine is the best thing EVER! Especially when you’ve spent six hours on your bathroom floor alternatly crying/vomiting because it feels like you’re passing broken glass. Which leads me to 3. When my “fog” decended. I was so happy I almost cried. When it lifted I thought ” Wait, where is the “fog” going. BRING IT BACK! I’ve never had major head trauma, but to my way of thinking, huge pain+unconsciousness= good. Why the frig fight it? It’s not like she was also thinking she had to escape or anything.
    Finally, so I guess I had four things. The first time I had kidney stones my brother took me to the hospital. Everytime anyone came in to talk to me about anything they asked him to step out of the room. When I was released, we found out they all thought he was my husband! HIPAA anyone?

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Wowzah, I’m sorry to hear about that. I hope you’re better (if so, I’m glad!)

      Yeah, honestly, I think E.L. James just gave up at this point (provided she was even trying before.) Even in TV shows and dramas you’re not going to see this kind of crap go down, so it’s not like she could argue that she thought hospitals worked differently in the U.S. And I don’t know what happens in British hospitals but I’m going to take a leap anyway and say there’s no well in hell this is how hospitals operate in Great Britain (or more specifically, England.)

      And she’s plagiarizing Twilight, which, if I remember correctly, was still way more realistic.

      On a different note, could you imagine being trapped in a coma and having to listen to CHRISTIAN GREY?! I’d rather be Ray, frankly, since Ana’s more interesting.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Suzy
        Suzy

        Doing good now. I still have one lodged high in one kidney. It doesn’t hurt at all, but every time I feel a little twinge in my back anywhere near my kidney I panic. It feels bit like a time bomb ticking away inside me. But as it’s not fatal, I don’t complain, whine a bit, but not complain 🙂

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
      • Krista
        Krista

        I was in hospital in England with kidney stones too (I feel your pain, Suzy!) . And they always asked if I wanted my husband to leave for any examination or questions. If I had said ‘yes’, I don’t doubt they would have kicked him out. And also: when you’re in pain, the fog is your friend and you don’t really understand what is being said around you anyhow. EL must have never been in hospital.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        No experience with UK hospitals, but in Germany they sent my boyfriend out of the room even though I asked if he could stay!

        October 6, 2013
        |Reply
    • Zee
      Zee

      Agreed. Medicinal morphine is literal heaven.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  25. Laina1312
    Laina1312

    “He said something similar when he proposed to her, and I believe Ana “died a thousand deaths” while Christian was missing in the helicopter incident. I could be misremembering on that last one, but the point is… I would be happy with them dying just one death. Just one.”

    Yeah, I remember that because I started singing that song in your comments XD

    Also isn’t early pregnancy when morning sickness is the worst?

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Jemmy
      Jemmy

      Yup, the first trimester is when morning sickness occurs, although not everyone gets morning sickness to the same degree. Some women have it the entire pregnancy. My first pregnancy I struggled for the first 4 months and then it cleared up. I didn’t’ really have much of an issue with my second pregnancy. But that early in the pregnancy the body isn’t seeking extra food anyway, the bub is tiny and doesn’t need extra food reserves.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  26. Donna F
    Donna F

    Made my day when I saw this new recap. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  27. This chapter made me angry. grr.

    As someone said, the catheder takes a way the need to pee. It’s a strange sensation when you take it out and it hurts when you try to go pee the first time.

    Great recap though! Love reading them.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  28. Trying to figure out how Christian Fucking Grey could possibly be described as a “fun” person? good gord.
    I don’t know what’s more fun than a cutoff-jeanshort-wearing violent snob with horrible fake uppercrust tastes who gets his kicks by alternating between beating his wife and making her eat!
    I hope EL James gets pinkeye. Since she thinks Christian’s a fun person she’d probably have a blast.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      That has to be the nicest “I hope E.L. James…” ever. I’m with you on that though, I hope she gets pinkeye too.

      I still don’t get why living with Christian Grey is supposed to be a better alternative than Ana growing old with cats.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Ugh. He would seriously be the worst husband ever!

        Cool Ana: “Christian, I’m going to start a Veronica Mars marathon to get ready for the movie! There’s Somersby in the fridge if you want to join me!”

        Christian: “I don’t know what that is, Mrs. Grey. I’d prefer if you watched one of the three films we own: “The Philadelphia Story”, the first season of “I Dream of Jeannie”, or the original BBC “Pride and Prejudice” with my face superimposed onto Colin Firth’s body. And Somersby? What are you, a grad student? Cider is beneath you. I will open a bottle of Penu Pomperbayon. Oh, you don’t know what that is? It’s French, peasant.”

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        Christian: Mmm, this Penu Pomperbayon will go nicely with some Pâtes et Fromage.

        Cool Ana: What’s that?

        Christian: It’s French, peasant. *whips out packet*

        Cool Ana: Christian, that’s Mac and cheese.

        Christian: YOUR MIDDLE-CLASS IGNORANCE IS SHOWING, MRS. GREY. This is the very best French pasta that money can buy, manufactured and sold exclusively by Monsieur Kraft. It is far superior to that slop you call mac and cheese. Now go to the TV Dungeon and watch your stories. If you need me I will be plotting a takeover of Justin Timblerlake’s career.

        Cool Ana: I liked him when I was 8, Christian!

        October 3, 2013
        |Reply
  29. Yeah, the catheter thing is totally wrong. If you have an urgent need to pee with one in, then there’s something blocking it. And you’ll definitely piss yourself when it’s taken out if you have anything in your bladder.

    Rewriting a story from a different PoV reminds me of the Blending series by Sharon Green. There are five characters who all come together to learn magic, and every chapter is a retelling of the previous one from another PoV till you’ve seen the same thing five times. Then the cycle repeats for the next set of events. I tried reading the first book and it pretty much cured me of my unwillingness to leave a book unfinished.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • SandorClegane13
      SandorClegane13

      That sounds simply abominable. I honestly don’t get how the author can stand to write that way! I mean if you want to multiple POVs for the same event, write in non-limited 3rd person! Duh. I love hearing multiple limited POVs in the same story, but I prefer what George R. R. Martin does with it. If two POV characters are present in the same event, you only hear it from one, and the other person picks up where it left off. The only way you get two POVs happening simultaneously is if they’re in two completely different places. I like that style of writing for large, intricate worlds with a lot of important characters. For five people in the same place? At least have Character 2 pick up where Character 1 left off and so forth. That way you can get the inner monologue and character development without torturing the reader.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
      • Sophie
        Sophie

        It can work if you’re revealing a mystery, eg Instance of the Fingerpost. But you have to be able to write, so that’s a no for ELJ.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
  30. caromoon94
    caromoon94

    You know, when reading these recaps I really can’t keep myself from thinking… if 50 Shades was a parody on Twilight, it would be absolutely brilliant. It takes everything that’s wrong in SMeyer’s books and amplifies it like… a thousand times. That’s a whole new level of bullshit. And I keep thinking… what if it is? What if EL really is some kind of troll who is secretly laughing because we are stupid enough to belive that she’s serious?
    But then again… it takes a real fucking insensitive person to say and do what what she said and did and I guess it would be even worse if she did that on purpose.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  31. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I haven’t even finished the recap, but now I have this image of @KarlTheFog trying to kill Ana. You can do it, Karl! We believe in you! http://twitter.com/karlthefog

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  32. Allee E
    Allee E

    I really, really hate the fact that I think “Blip” is an adorable nickname for an unborn baby and that I kind of want to use it when I get pregnant one day. 🙁

    I think I’m going to name a monster/demon/villain of some description in the D&D game I’m running Grarlac.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  33. Janine
    Janine

    This recap just made me laugh so hard. Time to nitpick on plot details!
    Any hospital EVER puts a block on patient charts if their patients are involved in some kind of crime or are high profile in any way (celebrity, etc). The one I work at won’t even let you look at charts if you have the same last name as a patient, in case you’re family trying to get a peek. Which makes the whole “Grace read your chart” thing completely ridiculous x3. I can’t even.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Jemmy
      Jemmy

      Yeah, our health department takes a very dim view on family looking at medical information. My husband and I both work there and we have to make sure we don’t breech the guidelines.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      Last time my mum was in hospital (NHS hospital in London) her chart was at the end of the bed and any visitor could read it. I did. I’m not sure how they’d stop you, short of taking them all away during visiting hours. So maaaaybe ELJ has had similar experience. No excuse for the way she has her characters abuse the information, though

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Zee
        Zee

        I remember trying to read my nan’s charts in an NHS hospital and I got chewed out because it was private. But then, when I was in hospital my mum read my charts. I think it just depends how freaking noses you are, but they are right there.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      excellent article. (I think she meant Romanovs rather than Bolsheviks, but otherwise spot on). The comparison with American Psycho is especially apt – the deliberate boredom of BEE’s parades of brand names, etc, to signify the alienation of his psychopath antihero is echoed ironically in the vapid, unintended boredom of ELJ’s witless aspirational babblings.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Great Article!

        Sophie, the author did me Bolsheviks as they were the ones who exiled (and assassinated) Anastasia’s namesake, who was a Romanov.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
  34. Loved this, as always. I have the hugest intellectual crush, seriously. I have to mention, though, that we do not force pamphlets about domestic violence on people, because it is a good way to get them beaten up.

    Thank you so much for reading these books so I don’t have to!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  35. nefarioushibachi
    nefarioushibachi

    I think The Darkness was singing “Get your hands off My Woman” to Ana while she was unconscious. Just Sayin’

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Oh. My… I am laughing so hard right now. Mostly because instead of The Darkness I’m picturing Chedward singing it to himself whenever a male doctor comes and takes a peek at Ana. Full on falsetto and everything!

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  36. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    For the record, I’m just gonna go ahead and call bullshit on Christian stalking Ana because he thought there was something amiss. He’s shown before that he’ll stalk her whenever he wants, wherever she goes, regardless of how she feels about it, so I’m 100% certain that he just wasn’t going to let her leave him.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • Georgiana
      Georgiana

      No shit. She’d have to get a restraining order and do some “Sleeping With the Enemy” witness protection thing. Oh, who the hell am I kidding? That would only work in real life, not 50 Shades Bizarro World.

      October 3, 2013
      |Reply
  37. Kelsey
    Kelsey

    OMG Les Mis from Javert’s POV. Want. Now. (although in that case, there are a lot of decades that could be filled in with different events if the author wished to)

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  38. RowanMorgaine
    RowanMorgaine

    ““Mrs. Grey has had a major contusion to her head.”

    I read this as “Mrs Grey has a major confusion to her head. Which she does.

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  39. I know when I had my c-section and couldn’t eat for about 30 hours, i was starving when they finally allowed me to have a liquid meal. I only got through the juice and jello and just started the broth when I threw it all back up. So yeah, Ana couldn’t eat creamy soup and bread without Chedward wearing it all! UGH!

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
    • SandorClegane13
      SandorClegane13

      I would have found Chedward being barfed on quite satisfying.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  40. Jenny, we love you…and not just for your 50 Shades. That being said, this recap totally made my night…except that now I have heartburn and a migraine from the stupidity of E. L., this book, and the masses embracing it. I’ think I’ll scroll back to your picture and ask, “Do you hear yourself, book? Because you are too stupid to exist!”

    October 3, 2013
    |Reply
  41. The whole time I was reading I kept thinking, “I fought the fog and the fog won.” Sigh, I wish it had won.

    Every time I read these recaps I am in awe that a) something this shitty exists and b) not only are people reading it, but it’s the best-selling book in the UK (I think)

    And finally, every time I read “Jack Hyde” I think of this song/video, which I can assure you is hotter than all the books in this entire shitty series combined: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Le0CwBy4SaQ

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      DUDE, I LOVE VIXX! I hadn’t seen that before actually, but I’m so glad you linked it. Such a good song.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  42. wonderbink
    wonderbink

    what the fuck is up with people writing a book in the heroine’s first person POV, then rewriting the same book from the hero’s first person POV?

    I did this for an unpublished novel of mine for NaNoWriMo last year and it was actually pretty fun to write. In the case of books like Twilight, where the female character is the wish-fulfillment stand-in for the reader, I suspect the reader appeal comes from hearing from the wonderful perfect hero how wonderful and perfect the female character is.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  43. Recap and comments brilliant as ever,so the only thing I can really contribute is that I’m from Cork,Ireland. And where our airport is situated is the major black spot of the country for fog,which means we barely get a week by where there aren’t a whole bunch of flights delayed and cancelled “due to fog”. So next damn flight I’m on that gets delayed or diverted,it’s Ana’s fucking fault with her confusion and ballbag of a husband!

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  44. Jordiebelle
    Jordiebelle

    You totally made me laugh out loud twice in this chapter which would have been fine, except I was rocking the baby to sleep and I woke her up! Twice! Oops.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  45. Insanitydividedbyzero
    Insanitydividedbyzero

    ELJ is such a shitty writer, she couldn’t write a stop sign.

    There are many things that bother me about this chapter, besides the fog issues. First is the catheter. She wouldn’t have to pee if she had one in her, that is kind of the point of a catheter.

    Second is the coma, I was in a medically induced coma and when I came out of it I had a group of doctors crowding in my room and at that point I had to make all of my own medical decisions, I had a case worker sitting me within hours to help me out. Granted those are things that people probably wouldn’t know if they hadn’t been in the same situation. But some basic research on HIPAA laws in the US would help.

    Third if my boyfriend behaved the same way that Chedward was, he would have been escorted out.

    Fourth, it is so gross how they treat the womenfolk in this book. If I heard any of this while I was in my come, I’ve be punching them in the mouth as soon as I woke up. My father wouldn’t dare say anything and if I happen to be the hero and save the day at the risk of myself, he probably wouldn’t shut up about it. He already brags about how tough I am to survive my car accident and be walking around.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • Flo
      Flo

      “ELJ is such a shitty writer, she couldn’t write a stop sign.”

      ROFLMAO!!!! I bet it takes her 2 hours to watch “60 Minutes” too.

      These books are just so bad, where’s my red pen?!?!?!?

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Insanitydividedbyzero
        Insanitydividedbyzero

        LOL, I like the 60 minutes line, that is fantastic.

        October 20, 2013
        |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      (Lmao, your first sentence is gold. All I could think of was:

      STOP, the sign said.

      “No.” Christian growled, driving faster like he was the sun and I was Icarus.)

      This was a really interesting comment. I’m glad things worked out and your dad’s right, you’re really tough. Seriously, that’s amazing.

      And thanks for sharing – you offered really fascinating insight. Hearing about this chapter from the perspective of someone who actually knows is really interesting.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Insanitydividedbyzero
        Insanitydividedbyzero

        Thank you, it does drive me a bit nuts that some of the simple stuff that she could have just googled, she didn’t. But there is always something that people might not know unless they have been there.
        I also think there might be something with 50 Shades of Grey roadsign fanfic, in someone’s future..lol.

        October 20, 2013
        |Reply
  46. “And can I just, while we’re on this subject… what the fuck is up with people writing a book in the heroine’s first person POV, then rewriting the same book from the hero’s first person POV?”

    Short answer – money.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  47. Sophie
    Sophie

    Apparently I’m the only person who ever felt like they needed to pee with a catheter in! It was fine when I was unconscious and then heavily medicated but once I was more aware I got uncomfortable and couldn’t relax enough. Once I got used to it everything was fine, but that first day of being aware of the catheter was very uncomfortable and I really had to concentrate on relaxing my bladder enough for it to work. Since then I’ve had a catheter in on 3 other admissions and had no problems. I do agree with other commenters that if you had a catheter removed when you needed to pee the bed would get soaked.

    To get back to the book, there is no way the nurse would have removed Ana’s catheter as soon as she woke up. The nurse would have called a doctor to check Ana over before she was allowed out of bed. A patient with a head injury would likely experience dizziness if she suddenly stood up and she could faint, so no being walked to a bathroom as soon as she woke from a coma. As for Chedward’s behaviour, he would have been asked to leave if he was behaving like that in a British hospital. I had two 10 day hospital admissions last year, my partner helped me with a lot of my care but the nurses always asked me if I wanted them to help instead. The medical staff also always asked if I wanted my partner to stay whilst they talked about my treatment, and he was asked to leave when I was being examined as there wasn’t enough room around the bed for several doctors, a nurse chaperone and him. He left on his own when I had my catheter out as he knew I’d be uncomfortable with him there, I didn’t need to beg him. But then my partner actually cares about my feelings and he thinks about what I might want.

    Finally and mostly unrelated, I have been considering adoption and there is a site which has profiles of children currently waiting for adoption or long term fostering. The profiles are only a few sentences long unless you belong to the site, which I don’t since I don’t have an adoption agency. Anyway I was looking at the profiles a few weeks ago and there was a little girl called Renesmee (or however you spell it), I was really hoping it was a pseudonym but the site usually states that in the profile.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Adopt her and name her Renesmee Grarlac the Third.

      For reals though, I hope the adoption works out well and you don’t end up with little Christian Greys. (Nightmare fuel. So much nightmare fuel.)

      Also, your comment was really interesting. I was really curious about British hospitals especially, because I knew they’d probably be a bit different than U.S. hospitals, but nothing like E.L. James’ version of a hospital. And I’m glad that your boyfriend’s there for you. Every time people bring up their partners in the comments on here I end up feeling so much better. It’s like a salve to all this Christian Grey nonsense.

      (the comments section is more romantic and erotic than this series.)

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  48. V
    V

    A question I haven’t seen covered yet: is it really possible to suffer a “serious contusion to the head” and a skull fracture without having *any* concussion/swelling to worry about? Especially if she’s in a Goddamn induced coma.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • bearcatbanana
      bearcatbanana

      Speaking as someone who’s had a serious head injury that resulted in short term memory loss (and not speaking as a doctor), no. Nothing about this hospital scene is grounded in real life.

      I haven’t read the chapter. But based on Jenny’s quotes of Ana’s experiences with THE FOG, James has exactly zero knowledge of what it’s like to wake up from unconsciousness in a hospital. It’s extremely disorienting (maybe more so for me, because I still don’t remember the accident).

      Also, there’s several different kinds of “FOG” that you experience. One is the confusion and disorientation of trying to piece together what happened. Two is the head injury itself. Three is all the drugs they put you on for the pain.

      And that’s just the hospital experience: I went to the doctor for three different scans after I left the hospital. I had to visit my old therapist (at the hospital’s request) to make sure I hadn’t had any shifts in my pre-existing mental illness. It was a lot to deal with.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • Insanitydividedbyzero
        Insanitydividedbyzero

        I was in a medically induced coma and experienced something very similar with the disorientation. I had broken my back, both of my legs, my left arm and most of my ribs and the first thing I did was try to get up even though I was in traction. I had no idea I had even been in an accident. Fortunately for me I only had a small knock on the noggin but even though all the tests were done showed that I didn’t have any swelling in my brain, my doc still checked everything thoroughly, shining the light in my eyes and asking questions, etc. I even went through a lot more tests just to make sure my head was okay because head injuries are the most serious (I’m sorry you had to go through that) and there is no way in hell a doctor would release a patient right after a head injury puts them in a coma.

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      Adding on top of what bearcatbanana (awesome username) said, from what I’ve read, if someone (in this case, Ana) suffers a blow to the head that knocks them out for longer than, like, a few seconds, they’re probably in for some serious damage. Getting knocked out doesn’t work like it does on TV. A blow to the head followed by long periods of unconsciousness is generally a REALLY bad sign.

      I can kind of half-forgive E.L. for this because it’s such a common trope in fiction, but it’s still massively irritating.

      Also, my sister suffered a concussion once, and it didn’t knock her out, but she had to get rushed to the hospital. They also wanted to check up on her after she got released. Comparably, Ana’s pregnant, she’s been beaten up, she’s underweight, and she was in a coma. The blow was enough to knock her out, so there would have had to have been at least some damage. A concussion is really likely, and if it’s not a concussion, then it must’ve been something else. She suffered trauma to the cranium, no one’s just going to be like “Let her sleep it off, she’ll be fine.”

      So, in answer to your question, from my limited knowledge (as I am not a health care professional in any capacity) I’d say no. Especially since, the way the story’s structured, the head wound seems to be the cause of her coma in the first place.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • The-Great-Dragon
        The-Great-Dragon

        I feel really ridiculous that I only thought to look up ‘contusion’ after I’d posted my response. I thought I understood what contusion was, I did not.

        So a contusion’s a bruise, apparently. Interestingly enough, a purplish, flat bruise is referred to medically as an “ecchymosis.’ Which means the bruise Ana has is like the regular kind, which usually comes with swelling. Contusions are caused by tiny blood vessels breaking, and the raised area is caused by blood leaking into the tissue. Swelling’s usually cause by a buildup of liquid or by inflammation (the body’s response to injury and a way the body tries to protect itself while it heals.)

        If I’m understanding all this correctly, that means that a contusion (esp. the one Ana had) would naturally come with swelling, either because of the broken blood vessels and buildup of liquid or because the body’s trying to heal itself (though likely from both.)

        (and it just seems like Ana’s injury, by definition, is a concussion. There’s no way she doesn’t have swelling, is what I’m saying.)
        (sorry I took up so much space with my comments.)

        October 4, 2013
        |Reply
    • Well, yes and no, from my experience.

      Disclaimer: I am not medically trained, I am simply someone who has managed to injure himself in basically every way without ever managing to break a bone.

      About a year ago, I had a bike (cycle, not motor) crash after chemo (long story). I don’t remember the impact, and using my gps watch, I apparently don’t really remember the 45 minutes after the crash. However, during that time, I was able to make a phone call (which I remember), and accept 3 follow up phone calls (which I remember answering one, not the content, and nothing of the other 2).

      I had cuts and bruises on my knees, lip, nose, cheeks. My family picked me up, brought me to the ER. From crash to MRI was about an hour and a half or so. There was no visible effect on me from the impact, despite taking it mainly straight to the face. I had no swelling, no internal bleeding, nothin’. I was released that night, without ever being placed in-patient.

      That’s despite actively dealing with leukemia, and being a few weeks post treatment.

      Basically, what I’m saying is, sometimes head injuries are funny. I didn’t read these books, so maybe they are scheduling follow ups that we don’t hear about, but if there’s no sign of internal bleeding on an MRI, and the patient doesn’t have headaches or lingering pain, or tingling, or any real signs of lasting damage…they might actually get released pretty quickly.

      October 14, 2013
      |Reply
  49. marzipanpieplate
    marzipanpieplate

    “It’s okay for you to do whatever you want, Chedward, just so long as you feel really bad about it, and then you’ll never have to answer for it. Ever.”

    Perhaps he’s Catholic?

    Ack, this recap is my worst nightmare. I hate medical stuff because of the lack of control. You have to trust perfect strangers to take care of you and, you know, not kill you. I wouldn’t even allow my mom to put band-aids on me when I was a kid — I had to do it myself. Add to the mix all the terrible people in this terrible book being terrible and I was getting panicked just imagining it. Never thought I’d think this but…poor Ana. Everyone in her life is complicit with her abuser. (Related: Where’s her best friend? Wouldn’t she be there? Instead of her in-laws who’ve met her, what, twice? Wouldn’t they be with their actual daughter who probably needs a shit ton of therapy and support? Oh right, everyone in this book is a monster.)

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • Sophie
      Sophie

      her abuser has given his security staff a list of people she’s not allowed to see. without her knowledge. Kate’s probably on that list…

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
    • longtime reader, sometime commenter
      longtime reader, sometime commenter

      Poor Mia! First her asshat brother invites this nitwit into the family, and now her own parents won’t visit her in the hospital because they’re more concerned about Lil’ Miss Mary Sue!

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  50. My reaction to this chapter: http://tympanus.net/codrops/2013/07/17/troubleshooting-css/wat/

    Actually, that could be my reaction to the whole three books, but I digress. This chapter made me more stabby than usual, purely on the basis that everything in it is wrong–except for the doctor, who smartly advises Ana to stay on the liquid diet or else she’ll spew burrito chunks (http://popdose.com/wp-content/uploads/heatherchandler.jpg). I’ve waken up from many a surgery hungry, and whenever I eat something that isn’t crushed ice or chicken broth, I turn into Old Faithful. If Chedward is spoon-feeding her creamy soup and bread, he’s a fucking idiot.

    But we all knew that.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • The-Great-Dragon
      The-Great-Dragon

      I honestly had my fingers crossed that Ana was going to throw up on Christian.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
    • Jemmy
      Jemmy

      I can eat straight after I wake up from surgery without a problem. If it is say a day procedure and I’ve fasted the night before, I wake up starving and I get some sandwiches the hospital provides. My husband has worked in a few wards and tells me I’m fairly unusual though. Apparently the anaethetics make ppl a bit wonky.

      What Ana has been through I think is quite different, and given all the various circumstances, she should be throwing up for sure.

      October 5, 2013
      |Reply
  51. ipooprainbows
    ipooprainbows

    The Darkness are still around! Just saw them do a show earlier this year. SPECTACULAR!!

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • Rachel
      Rachel

      Yeah! I was just about to say that! The lead singer had a lot of drug issues so the band took a break until he could get himself sorted out. I saw them last year at the Troc in Philly and they were so awesome!! They have a new album out too I think. I can’t wait to see them again when they come back! 😀

      October 5, 2013
      |Reply
  52. First of all, YAY recaps! I looked forward to this one since I finished the last one over a week ago.

    Second of all, again…your recaps give me insight that I never noticed before when I read the books. While Christian always came off as a douche, his level of douchiness increases to epic proportions.

    Third of all, something you said about Grace looking at Ana’s chart clicked something with me. In my own story, I had originally written a scene where my main character’s sister (who is a nurse) is transferred to the hospital in the area that my main lives at when my main gets severely injured midway through the story. However, my editor inquired if my main’s sister would be able to do that so I did some research. If a relative of a nurse or doctor is hospitalized, that nurse or doctor won’t be able to cover their relative because there’s a chance the nurse or doctor may not be able to make decisions because of their emotions related to the relative (or something along those lines). So, considering Ana is Grace’s daughter in law, I doubt that the hospital would’ve let her cover Ana.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • That’s one of the things that I learnt from watching medical tv show. It’s not only that they are discouraged, sometimes they are outright forbidden to treat relatives, spouses or close friends and I always find it strange when a patient is treated by a friend in a movie. Also, transferring to another hospital seems downright implausible. But yes, good points you make there.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
    • Anonymous
      Anonymous

      Agreed. It’s not technically illegal, but most hospital ethics policies would either discourage or outright prohibit Grace from treating Ana (especially in a life threatening situation). However, it doesn’t sound like Grace was one of Ana’s physicians in this chapter. In that case, she has no legal right to access Ana’s health information, and her chart snooping is actually a serious violation of federal HIPAA laws.

      October 14, 2013
      |Reply
  53. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    ” B) You don’t have to have kids to be a family.”

    Thanks for that. I actually quit a job because I was told I had to work all the holidays so that my coworkers could spend time with their families – mine not counting because I hadn’t reproduced.

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • I hate this idea that you have to convey to some stereotype of society that tells you to get married and have kids and that’s just what you do and how you get a happy ending. I mean, yes, I do want that, but not because that’s how it should be – because it’s what I want and I fully realize that that’s not what everyone ones. Your family is just as much of family as married couples with kids, and I am sorry that that’s not acknowledged everywhere or every time.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
  54. Laura
    Laura

    Grarlac is absolutely a winner of a name!

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  55. Ilex
    Ilex

    Oh, no — you’re totally right that “Grarlac” will be the poor kid’s name. Good for boys or girls!

    Also, you made me dash off and look up The Darkness, and Wikipedia claims they’ve reunited. “I believe in a thing called love …”

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  56. The hospitalstuff is so disconected from reality…

    I’m a nurse and at least around here, we’ll make sure the patient can get up and everything (after a doctor has given permission) before we’ll remove catheters. You don’t want your patients to stumble around in pain and/or desorientation, or use an uncomfortable bedpan every five minutes (when you’re probably not supposed to move around much anyway, because head injury, and especially if they didn’t even check for broken parts untill then, which is completely unrealistic on it’s own). Seriously.

    And yeah, I would have thrown Chedward out. Unacceptable behaviour.

    It’s not the worst about this book, but I hate it when books or movies get medical stuff all wrong. What’s up with no one ever being able to provide proper first aid, for example? >_<

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  57. I love you for that re-cap! Especially the last line – that name sounds like a medieval monster or something! By the way – the line where Ana’s dad talks about ‘putting her over his knee’ is creepy on another level – if he was abusive it explains why Ana is into Christian. Unless he was joking. But what kind of a joke is that to make about your 22-year-old married AND pregnant daughter!

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
    • I find the whole spanking thing from her dad extra creepy because that’s the way her hubby likes to get his jollies off. It just screams Electra complex to me.

      October 4, 2013
      |Reply
      • This is exactly why you’re not supposed to say hurtfull stuff in the presence of a comatose patient. You never know if they are hearing you and there are enough known instances where they did (and things like “he shouldn’t be alive, what a sorry existence etc.” were said).

        The greys are a bunch of assholes, all the more because it strikes me as highly unlikely any family with a doctor or nurse in it would have never heard of these things. We talk about our work at home. I’m sure grace did that too.

        Then again, we already know that she doesn’t give a fuck about work ethics.

        October 5, 2013
        |Reply
      • And no one in the grey-universe has ever heard of confidentiality…

        October 5, 2013
        |Reply
    • zee
      zee

      Just to make this even more depraved – Ray’s her stepfather, not her biological father. Maybe he conditioned her into loving him so much that she grew up believing that Stockholm Syndrome is how you love someone.

      Which makes Carla an even worse mother. She’s an enabler, she sent Anna after Christian in the first book for sex, right?

      October 5, 2013
      |Reply
      • “Which makes Carla an even worse mother. She’s an enabler, she sent Anna after Christian in the first book for sex, right?”
        Correct

        October 5, 2013
        |Reply
    • A. Corbeau
      A. Corbeau

      Ana says in the first book that she was never spanked as a child. It comes up when they discuss pain. So maybe it’s just an inappropriate joke. Still horrible. Who the hell would joke about punishing their daughter while she is in a fucking coma?

      December 7, 2022
      |Reply
  58. Lillies
    Lillies

    In my head I heard Braniac! O.O”

    October 4, 2013
    |Reply
  59. Sam
    Sam

    “hirself”

    … Just use singluar they.

    You are leaving out every single person whose preferred gender pronouns are not “hir/hirs”, it is not a gender neutral pronoun, singular they is.

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
    • laina1312
      laina1312

      …dude, I’m pretty sure it was a typo of “herself” since Jenny had her particular person on her mind. She was also specifically talking about women. If you want to talk about how men are abused, as are people who don’t identify as female or male, or whatever, sure, that’s valid, but do you really need to pick on what’s obviously a typo?

      October 6, 2013
      |Reply
    • It wasn’t a typo. I used “hirself” because I thought it was the gender-disrespective reflexive third person. While I realize intent “isn’t magic,” it wasn’t my intention to leave anyone out. I’ll use they in the future.

      October 6, 2013
      |Reply
  60. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    No Screaming Trees mention for “sweet oblivion”?

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  61. Awesome recap again 🙂 While I do look forward to your recaps I totally get that you have a lot on your plate and these things take time. I’ve written fanfic and I’ve moderated forums so I know how draining this kind of stuff can be. I’m grateful that you put aside the time to do them and I’ll happily wait as long as necessary.
    —-

    “Of course you can. You’re loving, you’re fun, you’re strong, you’ll set boundaries. Our child will want for nothing.”

    Okay I got as far as ‘… you’re fun…’ before I burst out laughing. Fun? Remember Chedward’s reaction when Ana wanted to try the jetski on their honeymoon? I don’t remember him reacting like a man who liked others having fun. And then there’s his distainful attitude towards people who watch TV. Nothing is fun unless he finds it fun and only as long as it’s his idea and he feels like letting the person in question do it.

    He is a joyless, jealous, petty, dictatorial snob. Has he ever even given a genuine smile? Even when he’s supposed to be happy he comes across to me like a self satisfied douche canoe because his happiness always, in the end, comes at the expense of someone else whether it be Ana or the staff and service workers he pushes around.

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  62. Neurite
    Neurite

    Oh wow. Yes, I guess all these defenders of the book were right. Chedward does eventually have a moment of insight, sees the error of his overly controlling ways, and decides he has to “get better” (except for the part where we get evidence immediately afterwards that his behavior hasn’t changed at all, but nevermind that just now.) And the changing point comes from realizing he’ll be a father.

    So the message here is that if your partner is controlling, violent, terrifying abuser, you can love him better, and the best way to change him is by having a baby. Then he will have to shape up and become a better person. This even works when, like Chedward, he really didn’t want to have children in the first place. Just surprise him by becoming pregnant! This will magically fix your relationship.

    …yeah, that is a great and responsible message to send to readers.

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  63. I just about died at “Grarlac”. Omg. Can’t breathe.

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  64. Renie
    Renie

    A quote about breaking up with an abuser: You may break their heart, but in the meantime, they’re destroying your soul.

    Great recap, as always!

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  65. Amber
    Amber

    Ha! Grarlac. I nearly spit my dinner all over my laptop, thank you very much.

    October 5, 2013
    |Reply
  66. Kat
    Kat

    I absolutely lost my shit at Grarlac.

    October 6, 2013
    |Reply
  67. Alex
    Alex

    Okay seriously, has James never been to a hospital? When the doctor says, “Just broth,” they don’t do it to spite you or something! I wasn’t too happy about that either (the broth was terrible, but I was this close to just pouring it down my throat because I had been on a strict diet of NOTHING for a couple of days) but I acknowledged why I had to do it and accepted it.

    In my experience, when people eat something richer, like a creamy soup, after not eating for days, they get diarrhea. The next time Christian carries her to the toilet will be fun!

    October 7, 2013
    |Reply
  68. TotallyLegit
    TotallyLegit

    I’m really glad you have a recap up, because I have some homework to procrastinate on. I was going to do it, I really was, but when I opened my school website this popped up:

    http://oi43.tinypic.com/29okex3.jpg

    And then I knew what I had to do. Share it. Because… bible studies? Really?

    October 7, 2013
    |Reply
  69. Awesome recap as usual! I have to admit that when people around me say that they “really liked those books!” I have to make sure I politely disagree and conversationally point them to your blog rather than explode in rage and melt into a puddle of sad.

    Also, a minor point: Ender’s Shadow is actually a really good example of writing a parallel a story already told (Ender’s Game) and I highly, highly recommend reading both. It is the only example I can think of, though.

    October 8, 2013
    |Reply
    • cecilhungry
      cecilhungry

      Parallel novels can work, but they need to tell a different story than the original novel. Ender’s Shadow wasn’t JUST Ender’s Game from Bean’s perspective–it was also a story about the younger kids in Ender’s jeesh, and about Bean’s struggle with Achilles and his own humanity. It also sets up the sequels about Earth after Ender left. As far as I know (admittedly, haven’t read) Midnight Sun and 50 Shades of Christian are just Twilight/FSoG only we get to hear about how awesome AnaBella is from a different perspective. And it’s even more unintentionally creepy. And that’s fucking boring (especially, and I don’t doubt this is the case, when the author can’t really write more than one narrative voice).

      October 9, 2013
      |Reply
  70. Reenie
    Reenie

    LOL I just looked up the meaning of litany… one of the possible meaning is “A tedious recital or repetitive series.” So EL was quite right to use it lol

    October 8, 2013
    |Reply
  71. Erin
    Erin

    On other 50 shades related news, Jennifer Ehle has been cast as Ana’s mother. Another good actress signing on to this shit film. When will it end?!
    Also, a Facebook post i just read

    “The film will be a low budget film that should do good box-office. If people think a kinky romance like Fifty Shades of Grey is porn, they really need to read some real porn. There’s not even any sex until the eight chapter, the character are in love and faithful to each other. The prose is definitely lacking but Fifty Shades is a fun, silly romantic trilogy about the power of love to cure a damaged soul. I think taking a small part in it is a good career move on Jennifer’s part. She’s connecting with Focus Features and a great production team.”

    I think I just got an aneurysm.
    “Love, FUN, silly, romantic, the power of WUV” are the exact opposite of this ‘book’ series.

    October 8, 2013
    |Reply
  72. The-Great-Dragon
    The-Great-Dragon

    Omg, I just remember Noah Logan again. (I’m doomed to only remember him after everyone’s already commented on the chapters. Dammit.)

    October 14, 2013
    |Reply
  73. CJ
    CJ

    I have to say that I was actually kind of happy they said she was brave here. I mean, her way of going about things wasn’t exactly the best, but she did end up saving Mia’s life. It actually bothers me a lot more that, right after she wakes up from a coma, the first thing everyone seems to need to remind her of is that she did something stupid. Like, sure, you saved someone else’s life by risking your own, and in most books this would deserve some congrats, but since you’re in 50 Shades, you get condescending congratulations followed by reminders of how you can’t take care of yourself because you’re a child, wait I meant woman.

    I think everyone else already addressed the medical issues, so I’ll ignore that beyond saying that if I ever met Chedward/saw someone acting like that…instant hatred, and no, Grace, not because I really just love them.

    October 18, 2013
    |Reply
  74. KC
    KC

    Did anyone else read ‘the fog’ and have immediate flashbacks to Tess of the D’urbervilles? Wasn’t the rape scene in that book described as ‘and the fog rolled in’? So every time the fog closed in on her in this recap I had to suppress an impulse to shout, “Beware the fog!”

    Thanks for doing this Jen. This cannot be a fun exercise for you, but you always do a wonderful job of saving us from having to read this book.

    October 25, 2013
    |Reply
  75. Erin
    Erin

    Another medical comment here — I always thought that if you have a catheter, you don’t have to pee. Liquid doesn’t get a chance to fill up your bladder because it drips out through the catheter pretty much immediately. So Ana shouldn’t have any urgency about peeing until a while after the catheter was removed. Or do I have this totally wrong?

    October 26, 2013
    |Reply
  76. I. Hate. These. Books.

    They are stupid, badly written, badly researched, badly executed, and filled to the brim with misogynist, anti-feminist, kink-shaming, slut-shaming, anti-choice BULLSHIT that has become far too much for me to handle without rage-quitting like a twelve year old playing Halo.

    At first, I was super excited by this series because I hoped that it would make more people believe that BDSM was not a “dangerous” kink and that I was not “fucked up” for practicing it, but upon reading a few excerpts I realized that it is a manual for how NOT to have healthy BDSM sex and even worse, it relays the message that we ARE messed up because we have not found true love.

    How in the world did this steaming pile of shit outsell Harry Potter? I was angry enough with the messages in Twilight, but this is worse because I cannot even excuse Christian’s behavior as literally being “from a different time” like Edward Cullen. This is a grown man manipulating a grown woman into becoming an obedient house-frau that he wants “barefoot and pregnant” in his kitchen.

    It is mortifying that someone wrote this completely accurate narrative of abuse ON ACCIDENT with the intention that it was romance, and people are buying it! This proves that we live in a rape culture and it is absolutely terrifying.

    Something that has been bothering me:
    Ana and Christian are always bemoaning the very idea of Ana being dominant, but wasn’t Christian submissive when he was with Mrs. Robinson? I understand that Elena was a rapist, but is it just me or does this book frame it like her worst crime was being the dominant party?

    ALSO, if Ana had a catheter she wouldn’t have had to pee because catheters are used to transport urine from the bladder when a patient cannot move or is incapable of discharging urine by his or herself. That little detail and the fact that her “needing to pee” being used as yet another reason for Christian to invade her privacy is beyond annoying to me.

    November 11, 2013
    |Reply
    • Maggie
      Maggie

      You do feel the urge to pee, since catheters do not suck all the urine out of your bladder at once, and when it’s full, you get the same urge to pee you’ve had your whole life. You just aren’t peeing mechanically yourself.

      April 26, 2015
      |Reply
  77. TokenOfficeGoth
    TokenOfficeGoth

    This is random but, is it not REALLY fucked up that Christian is telling everyone her wife is pregnant without her permission? Everyone knows now, but lets say she did want an abortion, now everyone else is going to inject their two cents into their private decision before they have even made it…

    December 15, 2013
    |Reply
  78. kg
    kg

    Having a child doesn’t instantly change people, but it can change the way you think about things, if you choose. For me, I think about things from a less selfish perspective. Each person is different.

    December 18, 2013
    |Reply
  79. halcyon1234
    halcyon1234

    “I open my eyes. I’m in the clean, sterile environment of a hospital room.

    Where the fuck did you think you were? Just tucked away in somebody’s garage? Down in the basement, behind the Christmas decorations?”

    Really? You’ve seen the way Chedward “cares” for people, by prematurely moving them from qualified medical care to places more convenient for him. This is actually a legitimate concern of Ana’s. There was a really good chance she would have woken up strapped upside down to a table in the storage closet of the apartment, because Chedward knows what she needs better than the doctors.

    And I thought of that *BEFORE* I read the rest of the shit in this chapter with him overriding doctors and shoving creme soup into her, and got sadder and sadder thinking my snarky joke would actually be what happens in the book. =(

    December 12, 2014
    |Reply
  80. AmyR
    AmyR

    Re-reading your commentary a year and a half later, and I was curious about how this chapter compared to what I originally read (I have a PDF of Master of the Universe). In the fanfic, “Edward” is not nearly as antagonistic towards the nurse. Which means E.L. James re-read her writing and decided to make Christian worse! WTF?

    March 24, 2015
    |Reply
  81. Maggie
    Maggie

    This is such bullshit. E.L James has no clue how catheters work. If you just woke up from a COMA, not a minor surgery, they say, “I have to get the doctor’s clearance”. If you say “I have to pee” they say “Yes, you do feel the need to pee, because there’s urine in your bladder draining out, but there’s a tube in there that takes care of all that for you. It goes in this bag.”

    The whole shit scene Christian caused is unbelievably douchey. Speaking as someone who had catheters taken out, I didn’t even want my mother in the room, so someone insisting they be present for one of the more uncomfortable experiences I’ve had would make me yell something unpleasant. Second of all, two minutes to pull a cath out? You need to walk over to a chair with a disposable pad on it, get comfortable, have the nurse remove the tape, and THEN remove it. For me, it could take a minute to psych myself up for that, and even once you pull it out, it hurts, and you need a few minutes to recover and pee privately. And yes, if you’re conscious and not heavily sedated or a fall risk, you can pee with the door closed. There’s bars on the hospital toilets, and a little string or button you can pull if you need the nurse. Even barring all that, you can hear someone fall off a toilet from the next room.

    And, ugh, the food thing. You start with ice chips, because you’re usually more thirsty than hungry, then baby sips of water, and then a tiny bit of food, about 2-3 hours after you hold down your water without gagging it up. Like, you could maybe have a little soup, but good luck keeping it down.

    April 26, 2015
    |Reply
  82. Yvonne
    Yvonne

    “Look, I’m a parent. I’m not going to lie and say that having kids doesn’t change your outlook on life. But I get really pissed off when people act like it changes it to a superior outlook on life. That’s such a crock. Having kids hasn’t made me wiser or more in tune with my sense of right and wrong. I’m just as much of a fuck up as I was before I had kids. The only thing I’ve become more aware of is how to clean gum out of things.”

    ~ YES! THANK YOU! I cannot begin to express how much I HATE women who think they are the indisputable worldwide authority on children!

    “Ana waking from a coma is a total non-event to this nurse, by the way.”

    ~ Does the book actually say Ana is in a coma? Or has she simply been sedated? There is an enormous difference between the two.

    “Hyde has committed arson, and has broken into the house of a person he is stalking with clear plans to commit rape, kidnapping, and murder. How on earth was he granted bail?”

    ~ I watch a lot of Court TV / Tru Crime, and believe me, I’ve seen people released on bail who committed far worse crimes.

    November 20, 2015
    |Reply
  83. Sarah
    Sarah

    As a person who has had a catheter after surgery on a couple of occasions, if she feels she has to pee, she does NOT have a catheter in. That’s the whole point of catheters, so you don’t have to pee. GAH!

    February 19, 2016
    |Reply
  84. Late
    Late

    This chapter really confirms my theory that Christian Greyou is a terrorist.

    He had a multi bazillion dollar company that does……..? It’s never mentioned in the books or is so insignificant that I forgot.

    He’s constantly having shady conversations always with other countries.

    His business trips only last a few hours.

    He’s apparently the biggest account the federal reserve.

    He buys tons of companies.

    The name of his business isn’t his legal name (his is technically hypenated)

    Everyone is too scared of him to correct him when he’s obviously wrong.

    He had a bunch of people who constantly trying to kill him. (The excuse is that they’re after Ana, but come on)

    He makes people sign N.D.A.s all the time.

    September 7, 2016
    |Reply
    • Late
      Late

      He can also get background checks and track anyone instantly.

      He never wants to be identified in public.

      September 7, 2016
      |Reply
  85. Late
    Late

    Oh, and he refuses to ever call the police. He gets furious at the mere mention.

    September 7, 2016
    |Reply
  86. ‘… what the fuck is up with people writing a book in the heroine’s first person POV, then rewriting the same book from the hero’s first person POV? From a reader’s perspective, that doesn’t even sound remotely interesting to me; I cannot think of a single book I would want to read over, from a different POV.’

    Seriously? That’s interesting, because I love reading stories written from a different POV and comparing. I love the whole thing of ‘wow, so that was how X looked to Other Character! So that’s what was going on in Other Character’s head!’ (And, yeah continuity errors drive me crazy, but that’s also a problem with sequels, so not exclusive to other POVs.)

    I mean, obviously not in this series’ case, since I don’t want to read this shitstorm from *either* of their POVs. But, in general, it is A Thing That I Absolutely Love. Horses for courses, I guess. (So, there you go – you got another POV on the ‘other POV’ thing.)

    March 2, 2017
    |Reply
    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      I totally revised my position on this. I was like, “oh that’s lazy and boring.” Then I was like, “You know what, I’ve talked so much shit, I’m gonna try it.” And I proved myself wrong. It’s actually harder, and a lot more fun.

      March 2, 2017
      |Reply
  87. Eva
    Eva

    Someone must state the obvious here. No person with a catheter feels the need of peeing! No one. Never!

    May 3, 2021
    |Reply
    • Well… you actually can feel *as if* you need to pee, because the catheter can cause bladder or urethral irritation, or even a UTI. You just don’t get that sensation from needing to pee. You wouldn’t need to go to the bathroom as soon as the catheter was out, because your bladder would be empty (unless the catheter was blocked).

      Also… I’ve never worked in an ITU, but I’m pretty sure that you’d need a doctor’s OK before taking a catheter out.

      May 3, 2021
      |Reply

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