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Night of The Moth

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Last night, I had the opportunity to go to a Pure Romance party, one of those things that are like Tupperware parties, but instead it’s vibrators and different kinds of flavored lube. It’s kind of a strange environment to be in, when you write and blog about sex on the daily; everyone there was having that kind of scandalized fun people have while talking about naughty things when their life, presumably, doesn’t revolve around cocks going into holes 24/7. Meanwhile, I was sitting there wondering if anyone would get weird about it if I raised my hand and asked if the probe-style vibe in the brochure was flexible enough to put in my husband’s butt.

But this story isn’t really about the party. This story is about what happened on the way to the party.

D-Rock drove (because it was at her sister’s house and also I don’t have a driver’s license), and as we left the driveway, I started feeling a little off. There was a little acid reflux creeping up my throat. I thought about asking D-Rock to stop and let me run back to the house and grab some tumbs, but I decided against it. By the time we were less than .3 miles from the house, I knew that had been a bad choice.

“Duuuude, you have to pull over in Prairieville. I have some wicked bad heartburn.”

At the gas station in Prarieville (which is, I believe, the only current retail establishment in Prarieville, so that should give you the size of the town at a glance), I grabbed a Powerade, drank gratefully of it, and got back into the truck.

And when I got in… a little moth flew in, too.

We were pulling away from the gas station, and I was thinking about how my heartburn was bound to be the worst part of my night, and since it was now over I could have fun, when the moth made a bee-line (lol, bees are also bugs) for my face. I didn’t want the moth to fall into my Powerade. That’s all I could focus on in the moment. Please, don’t let this moth fall into your Powerade! If I had known what was going to happen, in those few seconds I tried to wave the moth out of my face and desperately cover up my drink, I would have  have made better choices. I would have risked spilling purple Powerade in D-Rock’s truck. If I could turn back time, as Cher would say, I know that no matter what happened, I would not have taken a sharp, full-lunged inhale of surprise with a moth so close to my face.

Because it happened, you guys. The thing you are imagining? It happened.

The moth. Went up. My nose.

That should be the worst part of the story, right? Sucking a moth up your nose? Oh no, gentle reader. No, no.  You see, when I snorted the moth up my nose, quite against both of our wills, I kind of gag/choked/coughed, a maneuver that dragged the helpless little beast from deep within my nose, down the back of my throat, where upon I swallowed it.

But it wasn’t dead.

I could distinctly feel the wings of the moth trying desperately to flutter. The epic death throes of this insect were taking place just below my gag reflex. I wretched and coughed and wheezed, tears streaming from my eyes. At one point, it seemed my throat was being forced open by some mechanical error I was powerless to correct. I couldn’t hack up the moth. I wasn’t sure I wanted to. What if it burst from my throat or worse, out my nose, and flew away? I would have to live with that experience forever and ever. And at this time, the moth had yet to be in my actual mouth. Just imagining this moth flying from my open mouth gave me enough incentive to keep chugging my drink, hoping I could drown the little fucker or, at the very least, wash him down to my stomach, where he would suffocate. I presume. I don’t actually know if insects breath or not. I never really thought about it until one was stuck in my larynx.

During all of this, D-Rock just kept driving, totally calm. At one point she said, kinda slow and disinterested, “Yeah, that’s a bummer, man.” I believe this was in response to my desperate shriek of, “IT’S CRAWLING AROUND IN MY THROAT!” Later, she maintained that she was being helpful and calm in an emergency. But I think it was probably that she didn’t want to hear me carry on anymore.

But carry on I did! I told no less than sixteen people my tale of terror, whether they wanted me to stop or not. And now I’ve told it to you. Because you need to be aware that horrible shit like this can just happen to you, and you are powerless to stop it. Also, you need to know the backstory so that my obituary will make sense when 1,000,000 moth larvae erupt from my brain and kill me later this week.

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36 Comments

  1. laina1312
    laina1312

    These things only happen to you, man.

    November 16, 2013
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  2. Nadia
    Nadia

    I would have DIED right then and there. I have an outstanding fear of bugs. There would have been a car crash followed by several calls to various rescue groups including the poison control center. It would have involved a trip to the hospital to get my stomach pumped. And a whole shit load of throw up medicine. I’m so sorry this happened to you. But i must confess. .I laughed SOOOOO hard reading this.
    Loves ya Jen!♥♥

    November 16, 2013
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  3. Oh my god, you have no idea just how much I worry about these sort of things happening to me. Seriously, a-plenty were the times when I thought a bee had flown into my drink during the summer and I’d freak out and thought it was in my throat.

    Hell, I still freak out about that.

    November 16, 2013
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  4. Nim
    Nim

    At first I assumed the moth went into your mouth, but I think the nose is worse, because it ends up there anyway. Double whammy. I’m torn between being horrified and laughing til I cry (especially considering D-Rock’s reaction), because I can totally picture her saying that. I’m sorry this happened to you though!

    I had an incident a few months ago where I thought there was a bug up my nose. It was the weirdest sensation and I kept blowing my nose trying to get it out, but nothing changed. I googled frantically on how to induce sneezing and what to do in my situation. Unfortunately (or fortunately?) I inadvertently ended up on this forum where they were discussing sneezing, but I was getting an ‘off’ vibe from the whole thing. It took me a while to realize that it was a forum for sneeze fetishists. I was actually distracted from my predicament for a bit after that unexpected revelation. I never did find out if it was a bug or not… but it went away and now I always look around when I sneeze in public to see if anyone is looking at me pointedly.

    November 16, 2013
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    • Amanda
      Amanda

      This anecdote took an unexpected but hilarious turn!

      November 16, 2013
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  5. Cat
    Cat

    Oh. Bleeping. Bleepity. Bleep.
    I am in awe of you and may never drink Powerade again.
    Congratulations on your amazing intestinal fortitude.
    (goes back to lurking)

    November 16, 2013
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  6. Rachel
    Rachel

    Before I even got to the part about what your obituary would say in response to this event, I couldn’t help but thinking, “There was this wonderful woman named Jenny, who swallowed a moth, I think she will die.” Alas, I’m sure you’ll be fine, because you haven’t said that you proceeded to swallow other insects and animals in the hope of catching said moth, a la the old woman who swallowed a fly.

    I will take it back if you suddenly cease to exist on the Internet, but I have my fingers crossed that it won’t be the case!

    November 16, 2013
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  7. I am so sorry you had to endure such a harrowing experience! How dreadful. But, (always a but isn’t there?) I do thank you for sharing. I needed a good laugh. 😛 Sorry.

    November 16, 2013
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  8. Whiskers
    Whiskers

    I am simultaneously horrified and applauding your ability to carry on with the night. Seriously. I’m like aplaurrified.

    November 16, 2013
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    • Cherry
      Cherry

      You win for best new word invention of the day. Just so you know.

      November 16, 2013
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      • Whiskers
        Whiskers

        Why, thank you!

        November 17, 2013
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  9. nahnny nahn
    nahnny nahn

    I have to go anon for this and ask – how did it come out? (Oh come ON – I’m not the only person who was expecting this story to end much later in the potty) (AM I?)

    November 16, 2013
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    • Neurite
      Neurite

      Eh, insects are in large part made of protein, so most of a moth would end up digested. The outer chitin layer would likely make it through, but would most likely be wadded up small enough to not be noticeable.

      November 19, 2013
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  10. Kelsey
    Kelsey

    Oh my god you’ve scarred me for life.

    I already had a phobia of moths. Now I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to be in the same room as one without screaming again.

    November 16, 2013
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  11. Rebecca
    Rebecca

    One time my cousin spent most of a night coughing, drinking things, trying really hard to get this really weird tickle out of the back of her throat. It was really bad and causing all kind of issues and she couldn’t sleep, so she drove herself to the emergency room. Once there, they looked in her mouth, and pulled out an ant. Still alive. That had been stuck in her tonsils 😐 I’m so sorry both of you had to have these experiences, and I hope to avoid them as much as possible.

    November 16, 2013
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  12. Serenity
    Serenity

    You know those emergency eye wash things that look like double drinking fountains? I’ve used one. There was a tiny black bug, about the size of an uninfected deer tick that crawled into my eyeball at the corner closest to my nose. Now I need to stop talking about it or I’m going to start frantically clawing my eyes.

    November 17, 2013
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  13. Robin
    Robin

    I have an outrageous fear of moths because I have woken up not once, but TWICE choking on moths that have decided to explore my mouth. I feel your pain, man, and I hope no one else has to know the horror.

    November 17, 2013
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  14. Alexandra
    Alexandra

    I am sorry this happened to you, I guess I am in a minority here. Some time ago a friend told me he ate a moth on a dare, and being the sane person that I am I had to do it too. He did as a child of 10, I did it as a young woman in her early 20’s. It tasted like nothing and I chose a small one. Please don’t judge me.

    November 17, 2013
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  15. Jessica
    Jessica

    Wow. And I thought the time I was hanging out in my basement when a 3 inch long meaty, wriggly centipede dropped out of the overhead vent right into my hair while my husband pointed and laughed at my reaction was the worse thing that could ever possibly happen. You win.

    November 17, 2013
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  16. Feel free to be offended*, but I laughed so hard. That was awesome. #Sadist.

    With regards to the insect breathing front: yes, insects do breathe – that is, they require oxygen. However, most insects are small enough to not need a circulatory system like ours to transport oxygen throughout their body and simply absorb oxygen directly from the atmosphere.

    *Not that I want you to be offended, it’s just that I dislike when people say ‘[please] don’t be offended’, and so say the above instead.

    November 18, 2013
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    • ednaz
      ednaz

      Errant Endeavour, I absolutely LOVE “Feel free to be offended.” I will credit you when I use it. : D

      November 18, 2013
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  17. If you ever publish a short story compilation, this absolutely has to be in it!

    November 18, 2013
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  18. this made me realize that today is going to be a good day

    November 18, 2013
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  19. Jaimee
    Jaimee

    I needed to make an account just so I could leave this comment.

    I feel you on this Moth fiasco so much you have no idea. I had a moth fly into my ear while I was sleeping one night a few years ago and it was so far in I had to go to the ER to get it out. I woke my mom and dad up at 1 in the AM saying we had to go cause I couldn’t get it out of my ear.

    My mom thought I was dreaming so she went and did her hair before she took me and me and my dad were yelling at her to hurry up. She kept telling me to stop twitching (every time it fluttered around in my ear) cause it was embarrassing her all the way up until the Dr. told her she could see it with the ear scope thing and flushed an entire moth out of my ear cavity.

    November 18, 2013
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  20. ednaz
    ednaz

    OMG Poor Jenny! I would have hurled for sure. And D-Rock – not being properly horrified – I NEED SOME SYMPATHY HERE!!!
    Thank You, Jenny for keeping life from being boring. : D

    November 18, 2013
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  21. ec
    ec

    I KNEW there was a good reason for my fear of moths.

    November 19, 2013
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  22. Ayu Ohseki
    Ayu Ohseki

    Jenny, you tell the best worst stories.

    November 19, 2013
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  23. Kerlyssa
    Kerlyssa

    Had a similar experience with a fly while standing on top of a ladder. I like to think of it as a kamikaze, trying to end my wholesale slaughter of its cousins. Didn’t kill me, but did inflict an awful nickname.

    November 19, 2013
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  24. Kel
    Kel

    Well… look on the bright side (if such a thing exists) you didn’t have to taste it?

    November 20, 2013
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  25. Kim
    Kim

    “Because you need to be aware that horrible shit like this can just happen to you, and you are powerless to stop it.” LMAO. Dying over here! Also, this scenario is something out of my nightmares and I’m sorry it happened, but it’s also one of the funniest things I’ve ever read!

    November 20, 2013
    |Reply
  26. Tori
    Tori

    I have a pretty serious moth-phobia – like, screech and run out of the room if I see one levels of fear – and if that happened to me, there’s a real possibility that I would have a heart attack or at least have to be sedated. If one got in my room when I was a kid (17 is still a kid, right?), I would sleep in another room on the floor with towels under the door. So basically now I think you’re the bravest person ever.

    November 20, 2013
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  27. Reenie
    Reenie

    OMFG Moths are evil, evil, horrid bastards of things and they should all die. You poor thing, I’d be in therapy for life if that was me. Glad though I’m not the only one with a severe disliking of the ugly buggers.

    November 22, 2013
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