Skip to content

Diets, language, and co-opting each other’s experiences of fatness

Posted in Uncategorized

I’m trying to lose weight.

I know, I know. I ate fifty chicken nuggets this weekend. The messed up part of that is that it didn’t put me over my Weight Watcher’s points for the week.

As a person who’s looked to for fat positive viewpoints, I feel like a bit of a traitor. At the very least I feel like a hypocrite. Once you come out and you say “I’m here and I’m fat and I like myself,” you take on the mantle of representing body positivity 24/7, whether you want to or not. If you’ve just begun your journey, or you’re comfortable with yourself and your fatness, or if you struggle with your self-esteem as it relates to weight, it doesn’t matter. The moment you step into a place of visibility, people feel your fatness no longer belongs to you. It’s owned by others, and they’re going to use it to represent their social viewpoint.

I recently saw a post on Tumblr where there was a quote from Rebel Wilson, saying that she had been “good” on her diet. “Good” meaning that she was sticking to her diet and losing or maintaining her weight, as opposed to not dieting and not exercising, which would be “bad”. There’s no denying that classifying behaviors associated with weight gain as “bad” while granting the behaviors we associate with weight loss or fitness, “good” in a moral sense is harmful and unproductive to people’s self-esteem. One commenter was absolutely outraged to see that Wilson had used “good” in this context. Others deemed Wilson problematic on this issue and lamented that there would never be a celebrity who is comfortable in their own fat skin.

In other words, Wilson dared to not be the perfect fatty, and in doing so was letting down people to whom she had absolutely no responsibility. Now, if her comment bothers you to the point that you didn’t want to buy clothes from her new plus size line…well that’s an understandable reaction. No one has to buy Wilson’s clothes, but why should she be vehemently criticized for using what is common, if harmful, language that’s impressed upon women in Western cultures from the moment we gain a single unwanted pound? Fatphobic language subtly brainwashes us. It’s not a conscious choice to use these words and phrases. For many people it’s an automatic response, even if we’re aware of why our words are harmful (More than once I’ve caught myself saying that I was “really good today” about my eating habits). So why is it unforgivable? Why is the response to these instances hostility instead of sadness?

Rebel Wilson works in industry where her entire livelihood depends on her appearance. if Wilson did not rock the stereotypical feminine look, if she didn’t have long hair or cute bangs or false eyelashes, if there wasn’t some indication that she’s striving to glam up, she would have no job. Further, and directly related to her “good” diet comment, fat actresses are required to talk about how much they exercise, how much they eat, how “good” they’re being. They, like all fat people, must justify their fatness to strangers, just as thin celebrities have to claim to eat McDonald’s or pizza for every meal. This is no different than what any woman in any field faces; you’re more “professional” if you wear makeup and a traditionally feminine look. If you don’t adhere to these conventions, you might not have a job. Is it really reasonable to demand that Rebel Wilson risk her job, her livelihood, to combat an unfair system that’s actively oppressing her and forcing her to conform in order to succeed in the first place?

None of those things apply to my weight loss motivation (of which I remain uncertain). I fear that my desire to lose weight will be interpreted as a betrayal of fat people, as a betrayal of body positivity. I’m not dieting and exercising to stay healthy; I’m already pretty healthy, with regards to heath issues traditionally (if incorrectly) associated with obesity. I’m not losing weight because I think I’ll gain some career advantage; nobody sees me doing my job, anyway, and writing about my fatness has been a huge part of my career. I’m losing weight to change my body, but I don’t hate myself, and I’m not doing it out of some newfound feeling of “truly” loving myself enough to diet. I’m viewing this attempt at weight loss as a matter of appearance alone, no different than getting a new tattoo. Maybe i’m buying into antifeminist standards of beauty. Maybe I’m bowing to peer pressure. All I know is, this time, deciding to lose weight feels different. I’ve dieted out of despair before. I’ve dieted out of self-hatred. I know what those feel like, and they don’t feel the way I feel now. I’m comfortable with my body, I’ll be comfortable if I don’t lose weight and I’ll be comfortable if I do lose weight.

At the same time, I’m not sure I’ll handle any potential backlash with grace. Despite how open I am about fat oppression and how vocally I oppose fat hate, my weight can sometimes be a sensitive subject–not because I hate myself, but because I hate it when people disrespect me because of my weight or presume to know how I feel about it. And that goes for both fat haters and fat people who view every fat body as a platform for their own body politics.

I would ultimately love to live in a society where appearance wasn’t commented on. A place where we’re not judged by how we look. But we don’t live in that society. It’s great that there are people out there who are able to remove those harmful influences from their lives. It’s maddening that if you’re not striving for thinness or hyper femininity, if you’re not worshipping in the cult of the bikini bridge and the thigh gap, you’re automatically labelled as self-hating. I love it when women realize that it’s not a sin to love yourself as you are, or that it’s not unhealthy to have any good feelings about yourself. But not everybody can feel that way, and that’s because of those societal pressures from which none of us are spared. We can ask them to listen intently and watch their own words, and we can scorn people who refuse time and again to do either of these things. But we’re exerting a new kind of pressure on women, to force their experience of fatness into a mold, and to stifle their emotional honesty in favor of willing the problem to fix itself.

Fat hate does not exist because women are being fat incorrectly. Fat hate does not exist because a Hollywood actress (or underrated blogging genius) does or says something that contradicts a certain ideology. Rebel Wilson’s comment wasn’t a judgement against you, just like my weight loss is not my judgement against fat women. I sincerely hope everyone can respect that, just like I’ll continue to respect women of all body types equally, despite any changes I might make to my own.

Did you enjoy this post?

Trout Nation content is always free, but you can help keep things going by making a small donation via Ko-fi!

Or, consider becoming a Patreon patron!

Here for the first time because you’re in quarantine and someone on Reddit recommended my Fifty Shades of Grey recaps? Welcome! Consider checking out my own take on the Billionaire BDSM genre, The Boss. Find it on AmazonB&NSmashwords, iBooks, and Radish!

58 Comments

  1. BuenaSuerte
    BuenaSuerte

    Dude, it’s your body. If you want it to be slimmer why the hell shouldn’t you go for it? If someone who previously loved having short hair decides to grow it out it doesn’t mean that they hate short hair, or themselves, or other people with short hair.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • Promise
      Promise

      This. A billion zillion times this. Do you. Whatever you is. You get to decide what you want that to be and you can change your fucking mind as often as you like.

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
    • Haha, cool. I came to the comment section to voice this exact opinion, but it’s been covered.

      The only thing you ‘have’ to do is what feels good and right to you, Jenny! We won’t love you less if you’re a thin(ner) brilliant bombshell vs. a fat brilliant bombshell. 😉

      October 29, 2015
      |Reply
  2. “I recently saw a post on Tumblr where there was a quote from Rebel Wilson, saying that she had been ‘good’ on her diet. ‘Good’ meaning that she was sticking to her diet and losing or maintaining her weight, as opposed to not dieting and not exercising, which would be ‘bad’. ”

    While I agree about classifying things as good and bad in certain contexts is, well, bad, if you have a goal and specific actions will take you toward that goal or away from it, then “good” and “bad” take on a whole new context. When Renee Zellweger (sp?) was trying to gain weight to play Bridget Jones, she would have said a day of eating little and exercising was “bad” for her “diet.”

    As someone who’s learned a lot about the “dieting” thing, I really think it’s detrimental to classify specific foods as good or bad, though, because the truth is that as long as you’re in a specific calorie range, you can lose weight eating nothing but pizza or cookies. You shouldn’t for health reasons, but a cookie every once in a while isn’t being “bad” on a diet and you can still be heading toward your goal.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • goddesstio
      goddesstio

      See, that’s exactly what I thought when I read about her comment. I lift weights and have a macronutrient ratio I try to maintain, high in protein for muscle building. If I eat too many carbs (not uncommon), I can be doing “bad” on my diet and still be within whatever calorie range I’ve set for myself. I view it as goal just like spending on a budget. If I set a budget and go over it, I’m doing “bad”. It doesn’t mean I have to eat ramen every meal like a broke college kid next month or anything, but I can still classify it that way. It’s a personal assessment.

      October 26, 2015
      |Reply
    • Lindsay
      Lindsay

      This is how I feel too. I view dieting/exercising goals as the same as any other goal in my life, where “good” and “bad” are defined by how well I am keeping to my schedule to attain my goal.

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
      • Exactly. It’s “good” and “bad” in relation to yourself and not a judgment on others.

        October 27, 2015
        |Reply
  3. Lisa Nicholas
    Lisa Nicholas

    I totally hear you. I’m not as high profile as you are, but I’m having similar struggles. I’m not “dieting”, per se because for me that results in a lot of very ugly psychological issues, but I have made changes to my eating and my movement habits that are resulting in a lot of physical changes, one of which is weight loss. (I was not terribly healthy before, it’s worth mentioning, and I am a Very Large fat person.) I can’t make losing weight my goal, or I will make myself very unhappy. But at the same time, it’s hard not to feel a little pleased at the scale changing–which I then promptly feel guilty about, because hey, how am I being a good fat acceptance person if I’m happy about losing weight? 😛 I haven’t told very many people at all what I’m doing or how it’s working out, because I KNOW the first reaction is going to be “hey, congrats on losing weight!” and that makes me cringe so hard.

    I guess I try to remind myself that “there’s no wrong way to have a body”, and the point of fat acceptance and body acceptance is that everybody gets to decide on the right path for themselves for whatever their reasons are. But man. Yeah, it’s hard, because our fat bodies are such public things, open to scrutiny and commentary from anybody and everybody.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • There’s “body acceptance” and then there’s “you must love your body RIGHT NOW the very second you read this message and if you let it change even by a few pounds, you’re a traitor to the cause.” One is psychologically healthy; the other is damaging. You can accept your body and still want to tweak it a bit, you know? I mean, I love and accept my husband, but that doesn’t mean I have to “accept” him leaving dirty socks on the floor for the rest of our lives.

      October 26, 2015
      |Reply
      • Lieke
        Lieke

        I couldn’t agree more. Just because I’m not ‘yay me!’ 24/7 doesn’t mean that I hate myself.

        October 26, 2015
        |Reply
      • ifyouevercomeback
        ifyouevercomeback

        Bang to all of this. You can love yourself and still want to tweak/change things about yourself. It’s called evolution etc…

        October 27, 2015
        |Reply
      • Katsuro Ricksand
        Katsuro Ricksand

        Agreed, Wendy. I’m a thin person–too thin according to lots of people whose opinion I never asked for–and instead of trying to yell at myself that I have to be constantly delighted about my bod, I regard it as an old Volvo. It’s not perfect, but it’s mine and I’m fond of it.

        To me, that’s much easier than trying to regard myself as flawless when there is no such thing as a flawless body regardless of build.

        October 28, 2015
        |Reply
  4. Steph
    Steph

    Jenny, I don’t think you should be so hard on yourself for trying to lose weight. It’s not a betrayal of body positivism. People go through phases and trends for self-growth, and you need to make allowances for what will help your current state of mind. Feel like wearing makeup everyday this week because it makes you feel sexy? Go for it. Feel like ignoring every social invitation for a month because you want to stay at home binge watching Netflix? Awesome. No one should criticize you for changes to your eating and/or exercise habits, whether they result in weight loss or weight gain.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  5. Noma9
    Noma9

    Everyone should be free to make decisions about their body without worry of what other people think. So you go for it, Jenny.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  6. Ilex
    Ilex

    Jen, it’s your body and you’re the one living in it and with it. More power to you for being whatever shape you want to be.

    But — what’s a bikini bridge?

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • Anon123
      Anon123

      Had to look that one up, too. It seems like the same thing as a thigh gap, with the bikini being a “bridge” over that gap??

      October 26, 2015
      |Reply
    • Level 10 Basement Dweller
      Level 10 Basement Dweller

      “Bikini bridge” refers to the gap between a woman’s bikini bottom and her stomach, which is formed if she’s thin enough that her stomach sinks below the level of her pelvis’ iliac crests when laying down.

      The whole thing was actually a joke created by 4chan pranksters. It was a sort of experiment to see how easy it would be to get people, especially teen girls, obsessed with a completely arbitrary beauty fad. The answer turned out to be that it’s very easy indeed.

      http://i3.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/675/142/406.png

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
      • Kayla
        Kayla

        Eh, they might have given it a name, but those kind of pictures have been a thing for as long as there have been…a particular kind of not-so-healthy place on the internet.

        October 27, 2015
        |Reply
  7. Marie
    Marie

    I really really REALLY appreciate this post — it’s very timely for me. I just recently (like in the past two weeks) started eating healthier and exercising. I’m trying to focus more on how I feel than how I look, but at the same time it’s hard to not want to shed fat. I KNOW I need to do this for my own personal health (I’ve been a pretty unhealthy fat person for years) and to eventually have a baby (PCOS really sucks). I just really hate the idea of people thinking that I agree with their fatphobia, if I end up losing a lot. So glad to know I’m not alone in conflictedness, I guess. <3

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • Lisa Nicholas
      Lisa Nicholas

      *PCOS fistbump of solidarity* It SUCKS.

      October 26, 2015
      |Reply
    • Promise
      Promise

      PCOS is like every female horror showering on you at once. And it makes losing weight so much harder. It’s possible, though. I lost 100 lbs last year just by cutting way back on simple carbs (I basically cut out sugar and gluten-containing carbs, so I’d eat brown and wild rice and quinoa, but not anything with wheat it it). My cousin did the same thing and she got pregnant within six months.

      Anyway, best of luck to you. You can do it!

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
  8. Anon123
    Anon123

    As my sister always used to tell me: Do what you want ’cause a pirate is free! (You are a pirate.)

    And it *is* nice when changes you’ve attempted before spontaneously start to “feel different” and have less attachment around outcomes. I’m experiencing this right now with some of my emotional work, and it’s sweet. B-)

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  9. Nadia Oliver
    Nadia Oliver

    I’m losing weight because I HAVE to. Being unable to walk, having spine surgery and other weight related issues, I made a decision to get myself back in working order. I’ve gone from 550 to 390 by changing my eating habits and slight physical therapy. Either late November or early December, I’ll be having the gastric sleeve procedure done. I’m the one who always said i was happy with my “Fatnesd” until the day i woke up and couldn’t move. I still want meat on my bones. I have NO desire to be skinny. Just enough where i can go places without a motorized scooter or wheelchair. If losing weight will make you happy. ..GO FOR IT JEN!!

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • Nadia Oliver
      Nadia Oliver

      Fatness is what i meant to type…sry

      October 26, 2015
      |Reply
  10. Cherry
    Cherry

    1. To echo everyone else: it’s your body. You can do what you want with it.

    2. You are not underrated! You are hilarious.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  11. Lose weight because you want to! That’s the most important thing. I’m only slightly overweight, and I was thrilled when I lost nearly 20 pounds because I’m more active at my new job. I hate it when I’m chained to my desk because I want to be continuing to burn calories!

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  12. Saint_Sithney
    Saint_Sithney

    After years of doing everything “right” and not losing an ounce (including being a championship level fencer and training to compete in three events in the local Highland Games), I figured once I was diagnosed with a degenerative condition of the nervous system, I would never lose weight. I accepted other women and men at their size, but I wasn’t happy at my size. I didn’t like my body at all. And at first, it did feel like a kick in the gut when the special neurological diet (ketogenic) I was put on helped me drop weight when 8 years of low-fat, tasteless food and strenuous exercise had done nothing. I feel better in my smaller clothes… but I’m at a healthier relationship with my body and my eating habits because not eating the right foods or exercising excessively makes me have seizures. The things I used to do to punish myself for not being “good” now punish me so dramatically that I end up in the hospital. I realized that I didn’t have the time or the money to waste, nor did I enjoy the pain of being thrown around like a rag doll by my off-kilter nervous system.

    The thing is, it’s your personal body. If you are no longer feeling happy and/or healthy at the size you personally are right now, then the decision to change your diet and/or your exercise routine is entirely yours. Sometimes the choice is taken away, like it was in my case, but that ironically ended up helping me make peace with my body. No matter what your reasons are, they are totally legitimate. You can’t betray other people by how your body is feeling, unless you miraculously become a dick after weight loss. Best of luck in your efforts and stay healthy.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  13. Amber Rose
    Amber Rose

    I wouldn’t judge you if you tattooed your face to look like Avatar. I don’t judge you for wanting to be a smaller size. You do you, and kick ass while doing it.

    I’m also trying to lose weight. I don’t hate myself anymore. I’m not going on a desperation diet. I’m not going on any sort of diet at all, or setting any sort of time limit. I’m trying to lose weight because for the last six months i’ve been doing martial arts and i’ve realized that I like that feeling of being strong and healthy, and I think i’ll feel stronger and healthier minus a few pounds (also 100 squats will probably hurt less). But since i’m basically just doing this so I can have more fun, i’m not going to torture myself like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball, depriving myself of donuts to meet a painful, unsustainable ideal.

    I wish you, and myself, and everyone else, all the best in looking however you want to look, and doing so in a way that makes you happy. To hell with the naysayers.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  14. Sabriel
    Sabriel

    Oh boy do I know this feeling. After a couple years of steady gain (big life events and stress means my exercise schedule went from 5 days a week to nothing, plus delicious comfort food), I had a nasty shock when the doctor said I had signs of being pre diabetic (with a first degree relative with type 2 diabetes). This was the push I needed to actually get back on the workout horse and I’m trying to be more mindful of what I eat and how much.

    And man. I feel great. I have more energy, I’m actually appreciating my food more, I’m actually less sore day to day than I was being sedentary…

    But at the same time, it feels like a betrayal of previously finally coming to terms work my body, and I feel like I can’t talk to a lot of my friends about my accomplishment because it’ll mean that I’m betraying them too. And at the same time I’m dreading all the comments from people who aren’t my close friends, because I don’t want co-workers/acquaintances to comment on whatever changes I make in my body.

    I read a great quote a few months ago: “You can’t hate your body into a shape you will love”, which resonated with me intensely. I think, though, that if you accept your body as it is, it can be possible to make changes to it for whatever reason is relevant (aesthetics, health…). My weight loss this time certainly feels different; when I reach my goal I’ll be awesome, but that’s because I’ve been awesome all along. Hitting my goal will not be the bare minimum to be attractive to others, it’ll be something that I’ve done for myself and nobody else.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • GS
      GS

      It think your last paragraph is maybe the most important thing in this thread. If you don’t like yourself, your body and your life, it’s very hard to change it, no matter if it is losing weight, or quitting smoking, or getting out of toxic relationships, or breaking problematic patterns of behaviour… or anything else you want to change really. That might sound a bit strange, but it really isn’t… because changing your habits and your routines for someone you love, someone who you feel is worth the effort, is way easier than changing them for someone you only tolerate on the best of days, someone who hasn’t any worth, someone who’s just a loser who can’t get their life sorted out.

      That you’re trying to change something doesn’t mean that you didn’t love or accept your former self or your body or that you have betrayed your former self and others, it only means that your priorities have shifted and that different things are important at different times in our lifes, that different things feel good and right, for different people, at different times. And that’s just that. If it feels good and right, do it. If it doesn’t, well, no big deal, because you’re awesome just the way you are!

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
    • KC
      KC

      This is exactly my situation as well! I’ve always been a pretty decent exerciser and eater, but meaty (maybe a size 12). I was diagnosed pre-diabetic a year ago, and I needed to clean things up. It was hard, because a number of my coworkers (of all sizes) are terrible eaters, and give me a really hard time for trying to be healthy. I’ve lost some weight (20 lbs) but my numbers still aren’t looking good, so I have to keep losing even though I’m OK with how I look.

      I definitely think there is a negative reaction to people who want to be body positive, and who want (or need) to lose weight. But, what a good example that “fat” and “healthy” are really two separate things, and really, it is a good goal to try to be healthy.

      November 11, 2015
      |Reply
  15. Nessy
    Nessy

    It’s not anti-feminist to want to lose weight because you want to lose weight, just like it’s not anti-feminist to enjoy dressing more feminine. What’s anti-feminist is the people who insist on taking yours and Wilson’s and any other fat person who is happy with their body’s desire to lose a few pounds personally and criticize their choices. The whole point about feminism (as you well know, because you’re awesome and I love that you’re such an outspoken feminist) is choice. Some women want to be thin and fit and wear pretty dresses and high heels all for themselves. Some women are completely happy with the opposite. And most women are content to be somewhere in between. The problem is when other people – men or women – try to dictate to women what they should look like, wear, eat, etc. Whether it be trying to get them to look super feminine and skinny in accordance to societal standards or being a spokesperson for fat body positivity.

    There are days when I’m happy with my body and days where I am deeply unhappy with my body. Sometimes I feel like dressing up in a nice skirt and top with fresh makeup while others I just want to stay in sweat pants and my boyfriend’s shirts all day. Both are normal and both are valid. But I’ll be damned if anyone tries to hold me to certain standards and dictate what I wear. You do what you want, Jenny, as long as you’re happy with your decision, and screw anyone who tries to tell you you’re acting antifeminist.

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  16. This post is EVERYTHING and goes into so much of what I feel about my body right now. Thank you for writing it.

    The main thing, of course, is that fat women have to deal with way more of these negative and conflicting messages than fat men. Don’t get me wrong, fat men have it bad, too, especially in the public eye, but if there’s one thing the whole “dad bod” phenomenon proves it’s that it’s easier to be a man doing anything, including having an imperfect body and talking about it. You do you, and thanks for being a badass blogger!

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  17. Eli
    Eli

    I frequently drop weight as the result of battling two chronic illnesses though I fit the medical definition of being obese. Without exception people make a comment about how great I’m looking, even those that know that it is often linked to my being really sick. Even now I’m on medicine that completely kills my appetite and the reaction is “you’re lucky” or ” I wish I could lose weight like that” when in the span of a week I dropped 10 lbs. We have adopted a language and way of thinking and interacting that makes any kind of weight loss the source of praise, even when its clearly in happening in an unhealthy way. Just once I would like to have someone go “Wow you’ve dropped some weight, are you feeling okay?”

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
    • CIB
      CIB

      Your post reminded me of a close friend of mine who lost a decent chunk of weight due to IBS. Sometimes it got bad enough she thought she was going to pass out on the toilet, so I was occasionally recruited to be a bathroom buddy to make sure she’d be okay. She does cosplay and has a great build (the weight loss really just accented her waist alot) and when people comment on her weight loss as documented in cosplay photos she posts, and she said it was due to medical stuff, a number would reply that she was “soooo lucky.” Which she naturally thought was idiotic, because feeling like your GI tract is rebelling after you eat the wrong thing/get stressed out, and that you might die alone on a toilet is not a good trade for a “nice figure.”

      Ever since then I’ve tried to be way more sensitive about people’s weight loss – kind of treating it like someone who you think might be pregnant. If you don’t know what is up, just don’t say anything.

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
      • night_falls
        night_falls

        I also lost a lot of weight due to IBS in my early 20s, and it was just the worst experience. Being fatter because of getting my symptoms under control was easier than being so sick I could barely eat, and being healthy enough to actually diet was a milestone.

        October 27, 2015
        |Reply
  18. yogacat
    yogacat

    I had a long post, but it all boiled down to “you do you”. In the end, isn’t that what the body positive movement is about?

    October 26, 2015
    |Reply
  19. Alison
    Alison

    Lose weight, gain weight, do neither. It’s your body. I certainly won’t think any less of you, or make assumptions about your motivations. Be happy!

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  20. GS
    GS

    Thank you, Jenny. That helped me a lot. And: Yay to you! If it feels good, go for it!

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  21. Tenko
    Tenko

    *applause*

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  22. Chris
    Chris

    Thank you. I’ve wanted to write something about this issue for a long time, now I know I can just quote you on this 🙂

    I’m a slender woman. At least, that’s how I’d describe myself. I’ve been told, by some people, that I’m not slender, I’m ‘average’. Or ‘normal’. (Like, wtf is that, but okay.) Truth is, I feel very comfortable in my skin, I like my body. But I’ve noticed that as soon as I say something in the realms of “I want to lose some weight”, people perceive it as a hidden insecurity of mine. Like, “I’ve always known that deep down, you consider yourself average too!”. One friend actually remarked: “So you ARE insecure!”, in a sort of happy voice, as if the hard shell of my personality had just been broken and I had finally opened up to her about my deeply hidden body issues which I’d always countered with a false sense of self-assurance.

    Where I feel it’s exactly how you, Jenny, describe it: “as a matter of appearance alone”. When I want to lose some weight, it’s just because I feel like it. Like buying a new dress when I don’t need one but I just want it. My perseverance is non-existing though so I’ve never actually achieved any goals I’d set (and my goals are low, yo). But I’m fine with that, too. The worst that has happened is that I’ve eaten healthier and worked out more.

    But I’m not fine with the way my confidence is immediately linked to other people’s sense of self-worth. And I’m not even a well-known, genius blogger (or very cool actress) so I cannot even imagine having to deal with all those opinions about your own damn life/body choices, god.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
    • I feel like you need to find new friends! Those are some odd reactions. I have friends and family in all shapes and sizes. I’ve been a size 3 and a size 12 and everything in between. I was pretty effortlessly thin when I was thin. Then age and Hashimoto’s put the kibosh on that. But only once has anyone made any judgment about me trying to eat better and exercise more. That was an overweight friend who put her own insecurities onto me. My desire to lose weight, to her, A.) meant I hate myself and B.) meant I was judging her body.

      I don’t hate myself. I have never hated myself. I would like to have a smaller, tighter outside package. That doesn’t mean I don’t think I’m intelligent and talented and worthy of love (my own and others’). It just means I want my thighs not to chafe when I wear dresses in the summer and I like the way clothes look on me better when I’m smaller. I also was a small person most of my life, so I don’t feel like myself entirely when I’m heavier.

      And as far as judging her, it’s MY body I’m worried about. I do see people I love who have been overweight a long time, as they age, experience issues directly related to their weight. My mother can barely walk anymore, her joints are in such terrible shape. When she was in her 30s and even 40s, she was pretty active, but it’s catching up with her. Another friend reached that point when she was only 33. So I’m concerned about their quality of life because that isn’t easy to watch happen. But beyond that, I don’t care what you do or don’t do with your own body shape and will support whatever you choose. You want to lose weight and want to come exercise with me? You’re welcome to. I’ll invite you. And I’ll go without you if you don’t want to. It makes no difference to me.

      If your friends are so insecure that they need YOU to feel bad so they can feel good, they aren’t your friends.

      October 27, 2015
      |Reply
      • Chris
        Chris

        Hi Renee,

        I completely understand what you’re saying. It sounds harsh the way I’m putting it. But there are so many nuances to their remarks, too many to tell here I guess. What it comes down to: it’s not their putting me down that upsets me, because I know that’s not what they’re intending. (Well, some of them were, we’re not friends anymore.)

        What I think is the case, is that some of my friends / the people I talk to about this issue, cannot distinguish ‘concious’ body changes (I mean the changes they want) from insecurities and/or low self-worth. What upsets – or worries – me is the way they perceive their own bodies in relation to that of others (me f.e.) or society’s. I see that reflected for example in the way they get a little uncomfortable when I’m not doing the whole ‘O I hate my body too’-kind of thing.

        It’s a strange and interesting thing: some of those people have also expressed how they love my different (because positive) perspective on my body, yet retract to ‘must be insecure’ when I mention my wanting to lose a pound or two.

        When Jenny wrote she just wants to lose some weight, not because of health issues, not because of low self-worth, but just because, it struck a chord with me. Because no doubt she will get remarks from women who’ll feel betrayed a little – I think because a lot of people are just not (yet) used to the juxtaposition of body acceptance AND body changes.

        “… an overweight friend who put her own insecurities onto me. My desire to lose weight, to her, A.) meant I hate myself and B.) meant I was judging her body.” – that’s exactly what it is (although in my case coming from all shapes of friends). I recognize a lot of what you’re describing here.

        Love how you’re sticking up for me by the way. 🙂 Thanks.

        October 27, 2015
        |Reply
        • 🙂 I just can’t stand to see women tear each other down. I haven’t always been the best at choosing men, but I’ve chosen wonderful friends all my life. We support and love each other. We don’t compete with each other or have sex with each other’s SOs. As I get older and meet new people I have found out how common that is among women and then we get stereotyped with that and it bugs me.

          This whole “you’re betraying me by changing your body” thing is an extension of that. Or being happy about someone else’s insecurity. That shouldn’t make you feel good, especially if it’s someone you care about.

          If the message we want to get across is that we are not our bodies, then we should be able to feel about our bodies any way we want (and express that) and we should be able to decide to make changes to our bodies without anyone else taking it personally or being nasty.

          And you notice it isn’t men doing this to us. Sure, there are some creeps out there, but my experience has been that I haven’t lacked for male attention regardless of my size. Only one ever gave me a hard time about it and he was seriously emotionally damaged himself. I was actually pretty small at the time, but I’m an hourglass and he’d dated a lot of women with small breasts and narrow hips and I guess that’s what he liked? Bottom line, I think he was just an asshole trying to drag me down. But despite any insecurities I may have about my physical appearance, I’m not an insecure person, so it didn’t work out for him. lol

          TLDR: Women need to be nicer to each other and stop thinking someone else’s choices are anything other than that person’s choices.

          October 27, 2015
          |Reply
  23. Rin
    Rin

    It’s honestly none of my business what any other fat woman does with herself. There are fat women I do admire but knowing that I have people who really care about me also helps with my self esteem issues. So if any of those women make a change involving their bodies, I shrug it off.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  24. Lindsay
    Lindsay

    I hope that someday the body positivity movement will get more to a point where not only are we saying all shapes and sizes of bodies are ok, but we’re also ok when someone wants to change the shape or size of their body. I think right now things are tough because there is still a lot of focus on an “ideal” body type, and so there is this assumption that anyone who changes their habits to try to attain that ideal shape is implicitly affirming that they believe that body shape is ideal.

    But I hope that we as a society can get away from that idea. Like you said, there are any number of reasons that someone may want to change their body shape or size, and many of them have nothing to do with rejecting other types of bodies. I want to live in a world where everyone can have their own personal body goals (or lack thereof) and working towards attaining those goals doesn’t mean we are rejecting other people’s goals (or, again, lack thereof).

    One thing is clear to me though, reading other people’s comments, I don’t think the majority of the people who follow this blog will judge you or believe you are a traitor to the body positivity movement for wanting to lose weight.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  25. Laura
    Laura

    You’re not just against “fat oppression” and “fat hate” – you’re against oppression and hate of all kinds. If people think of you as a “body positivity” role model that’s great, but reading your blog makes it obvious you don’t put up with negative bullshit about anybody. So, if you lose weight, even lots of it, are you going to stop being a body positivity role model? Nope. Because that’s how you are about everything.

    And as for your own personal feelings about your body – I loved the short hair/long hair comment above. You don’t have to hate long hair to get your hair cut short. You can just be ready for a change.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  26. IMO some people are taking the fat acceptance movement too far. You do what you need to do for your body.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  27. Janine
    Janine

    Thank you, as always, for your emotional honesty and for being willing to open up your life to discussion in order to agitate new awareness in all of us.
    I offer unconditional support with regards to the choices YOU make regarding YOUR body. We love you, Jenny!

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  28. Lisa
    Lisa

    Hey! This is pretty great. I, too, do not hate my body, but am trying to lose weight. I feel great when my scale goes down, but I also do NOT feel bad when it doesn’t. Before, I would think, “FUCK IT!” when things weren’t going my way and it would ruin the whole thing. Now, I’m kinder to myself and it’s made all the difference. Good luck!

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  29. Alice
    Alice

    I don’t believe anyone is “bad” just because they’re overweight, but I do think that in terms of a weight loss journey, there are “good” and “bad” steps you can take towards progress. People really look too far into things sometimes.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  30. night_falls
    night_falls

    Oh my god. THANK YOU for writing this. I feel very similarly about weight loss and body acceptance. Last spring I decided that while I didn’t hate myself, and thought I looked fine, that I should get a better handle on my appetite. I would work out very hard several times a week and then would use that as an excuse to eat a ton of food. I’d gained a fair bit of weight in a short period of time because of it, as exercise really, really increases one’s appetite.

    I’ve lost 30 lbs since the spring, and I’ve wrestled intellectually with how I can advocate losing weight for myself but not buy into the fat-shaming cultural nonsense that would mean I am now an ambassador for the promotion of weight loss for everyone, that I am a morally better person for having lost weight instead of an obese person somewhat redeemed by the virtue of exercise, and that I am in some way buying into thin privilege by making myself thinner. That last one is unavoidable, but I really hate the language of denial and self-sacrifice and nobility about dieting. Um, no, I’m doing this because I enjoy eating chocolate but I want to get a handle on how much of it I can eat, because running faster is really fun, and because I enjoy ogling myself in mirrors more than I did before. There’s nothing inherently virtuous about these things.

    The simple act of measuring food and logging calories has been really beneficial for me. I don’t deny myself any food; I just aim for a solid nutritional foundation and to quantify my calorie intake with reasonable precision so I can know how to offset my frequent treats with exercise or smaller portions. It feels sustainable, not shame-ridden, and I am not too hard on myself when I blow the calorie budget occasionally. I wish I could “naturally” rely on appetite to regulate my food intake, but after 32 years in this body, I realize I will probably always need some external feedback. Just like I rely on a fitness monitor to tell me how much I’ve actually moved, I need the measurement device of calorie counting to tell me how much I’ve eaten, or I WILL eat five snacks in one day and a muffin every time I enter a coffee shop.

    October 27, 2015
    |Reply
  31. Alexis
    Alexis

    Thinking about the issue, I see this as one of those things where you just can’t get it right, like legally changing your name to your husbands name when you marry. If you do it, you are seen as conservative, when you don’t, that’s somehow progressive and important or something something.

    As some feminist writer put it, as a woman, you are never unmarked. You are either taking your husbands name, or you don’t. You either stay at home with your kids, or work. You either care for yourself like you are expected to, or you don’t. You are either a bad fat person, or caring for your body weight, and every decision, no matter how minor, is marked with implications and expectations, no matter what you decide.

    What I know is that diet talk makes me personally uncomfortable because I know from personal experience the diet cycles I have gone through, and how damaging they can be. It’s a first impulse to tell other women: “No, don’t do that. Don’t start that circle again.”, just like when you have a friend who has been dating that one douchebag over and over again you want to jump in and warn them to just not do it. However, these feelings are personal and can’t be applied to other people, but god, the urge is strong!
    I have also personally witnessed the attitude of people who turned into fat hating jerks once they somehow lost all their weight, and it’s really frustrating, and when other people start dieting you have this anxious feeling that they will judge you once they have successfully changed their weight. It’s an irrational fear, of course, but an understandable fear nonetheless, and one you can’t really communicate. The fear of people gaining privilege and attributing this privilege to their hard work and how they “deserve it” instead of acknowledging that they are privileged now is really frustrating. “If you loose weight, would you mind not becomming a judgemental asshole” is such an abstract request.

    So I can see and understand how fat activists react with cringing and probably aggression when somebody suggests they want to change body weight, because there is just this huge history of hurt. Of course, this is not your fault and you shouldn’t be out there defending yourself for actions that regard your own body. But what I would love would be more talks about how our own historys of weight loss and excercise shape our fears and can divide us. Asking close friends or family who are fat activists “What are you afraid will happen if I lower my body weight” is a good question that can give people insights into themselves. It can be a way to talk about and deal with past trauma and dig up own insecurities. In my experience, thats not bad.

    I guess people trying to live with multiple discrimination experiences suffer so much that activism gets hard at a certain point. You want to step out of the target zone for a moment, say: “Well, If mentally ill and bisexual and genderfluid, do I really need to be fat? Can’t I get a break from being hated all around and maybe just fix one thing?” Being brave about one topic is one thing, being brave about every fucking aspect of your life takes so much courage and energy, though.

    Thats not to mention that some people just have gone through bodily changes that are not related to normal weight change, but to chronic illnesses. It’s understandable to wish to loose the illness, get back to who you were before. As somebody who gained a lot of weight through constant UTIs and the antibiotics I had to take for 3 years, I can understand that. I try to be careful about weight loss talk though, not direct it at people I think are vulnerable to it and I try to not judge myself to much. I recover from three years of illness – things won’t happen like they do in bad commercials. Just exercising and dieting won’t magically make me drop all my weight in super speed. My body needs loads and loads of time to heal.

    Another thing the world desperately needs in my opinion is thoughtful and honest communication about what healthy, competent and safe weight loss looks like, because this is information you just. can’t. get. Even doctors will tell you to just skip meals, food allergies and certain ways bodys respond different to the nutrients they get are not even factored in because “calories in, calories out, eh?”. No, bullshit. All bodies respond differently. I am absolutely sure that many more people could make positive changes to their overall constitution, weight and health if somebody bothered to give more advice then “Eat less, fatty”.

    I think this is one of the factors thats so damaging to fat people and their relationship to weight loss, it’s something they are expected to grasp without any help or knowledge, yet they are judged for being fat. That’s like telling a person with a broken bone to “Just figure out what makes you have a broken bone, and get rid of that. Maybe skip some walking. What do you mean, that doesn’t work for you? You just want excuses, you are not even trying! What do you mean your leg doesn’t magically heal over night? If it doesn’t heal 10% a day, you are doing everything wrong!” Like any ableism it’s just shit and I can understand why it turns people away from dieting and every time they hear this dieting suggestion, they think of the abuse they have suffered through these “suggestions, we are just trying to HEEEELP you!”

    So as you can see I have soooo many feelings about this topic. So thanks for bringing it up since typing this out helped me figure some things out, because my first reaction was some kind of “nooooo please don’t” and then I started to look into why this was my reaction.

    October 28, 2015
    |Reply
  32. Thank you for this, Jenny.

    At some point, some life changes (new stressful job=less time=more sedentary-marathon training+more drinking=none of your pants fit) yielded substantial weight gain. Part of me feels like, “there’s nothing wrong with my health at this weight, why does my identity have to be Fitness-Girl, body positivity starts at home!” but there’s a larger part of me that is deeply unhappy with the change. that part has it’s own parts: a very logical part which remembers that I felt the best I’ve ever felt, physically and emotionally, during that period when I was totally crushing it, fitness-wise, and a much less logical and more culturally influenced part which is all, “But I used to look awesome in a bikini!”

    But I feel like regardless of where you are with your weight and body and body image, you either fail as a feminist, or fail at fitness, or fail at body positivity, or fail at sexiness.

    So, not only is your body a failure, but the way you feel about it is a failure, and the way you may choose to deal with those feelings is also a failure.

    anyway, even though your experience is different than mine, it’s really nice to hear someone working through this.

    I wish you well on your journey.

    October 28, 2015
    |Reply
    • Lieke
      Lieke

      You summed it up so well. It’s frustrating when other people tell you that you’re doing something the wrong way, but it’s even more frustrating when they tell you that you’re feeling something the wrong way.

      October 29, 2015
      |Reply
  33. Cassandra
    Cassandra

    So I’m a long time lurker, and this is my first time posting, but it’s mostly because I actually feel I have something to add to this topic, so I’m gonna try.
    Firstly, let me say that I’ve been overweight for years, and I have in the last couple tried a lot of things to lose weight. Diet + exercise combos. I always bounce back, it seems.
    Lately, I’ve been seeing a nutritionist, and so far it’s been the one that seems the most doable for actual lifestyle changes. Rather than focusing on what to eat or what not too, it’s been a lot of ‘this is what your body is like, and things to think about.’

    For example: your stomach can only hold 2 cups of food, at capacity. Anything over in a single sitting tends to cause the things in there to be shoved directly into long term storage as soon as possible. In other words, fats. (You might note this is much smaller than the portion size in a lot of restaurants. It’s like America is literally fighting against you :P)

    Secondly, your stomach lags about sending “I’m full” signals by about 20 minutes. So after two cups of food, if you’re still hungry, you want to just drink water or eat gum for 20 minutes, and only then, if you’re still hungry, eat again. A little longer if you’re watching tv or something; this causes your stomach to lag more.

    Drink lots of water in general is good for you.

    Whenever you go to eat burgers or anything, order a side salad first and eat it. Try to have it be just veggies; when salads are smothered in cheese and bacon and such, they tend to be just as bad as burgers. Having the salad before the burger will help you feel full, plus give you more fiber, which also helps get rid of fats long term.

    I love food, and I really can’t do anything that just forbids me from eating types of food. But just being aware in some way, and pacing myself, and eating at least one big salad a day, all are things I can handle, and I feel I can handle in a long term way. (My nutritionist has also said things like she doesn’t like using terms like “cheating” as far as food goes.)

    I don’t know if any of that’s helpful at all, but here’s to hoping it is.

    Oh, and one last note: If you need a good snack, I’ve tried a lot of things and one I’ve fallen in love with are these bars called Zing bars, specifically the… mint and chocolate/sunflower seed or something like that? I dunno, they’re in a green package, but the point is, they taste like thin mints. Like, they’re legit good, only they’re full of protein and much healthier than a lot of alternatives. So I’d recommend that too, lol.

    October 29, 2015
    |Reply
  34. I look at it this way, it’s your body and you should be free to do with it as you please as long as you are happy. I also know that it is a very privileged viewpoint because not everyone has that luxury. However, I support you in whatever you choose to do as long as you remain the awesome person you are.

    October 30, 2015
    |Reply

Leave a Reply to Saint_Sithney Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *