FADE IN:<\/p>\n
INT. BEDROOM, EVENING<\/p>\n
JENNY TROUT, a brilliant young writer with the face of an obese Bernadette Peters sits on the bed beside her husband, MR. JEN. People often tell him he reminds them of Seth Rogan, and he is terrible at remembering names. Mr. Jen is sprawled out in bed, pantsless. Jenny pretends to slap him in the dick and makes various explosion sounds and hand motions.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nWas that a fucking mushroom cloud?<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nYeah. That’s how hard I slapped your dick.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nYou slapped me in the dick so hard\u2013<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nThat I split atoms and shit. Right.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nSo, you slapped me in the dick so hard, you split atoms?<\/p>\n
JENNY
\n(miming a spreading cloud with her hands)
\nYes. This is the fallout. Look how far it’s going.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nOkay, if you hit me in the dick, if the explosion happened where my dick is, we would be at ground zero.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nYes.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nSo we would be instantly vaporized.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nMmhm.<\/p>\n
MR.JEN
\nThe kids are dead.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nThat’s right.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nThe dogs are dead.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nOh, everything is dead. Most of Michigan, definitely, is dead.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nHow big was this explosion?<\/p>\n
JENNY
\n(still indicating with her hands)
\nThis is the fallout. This is where the fallout is…you know, this is the exclusion zone. It’s most of Michigan.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nYou slapped me in the dick so hard that it destroyed all of Michigan\u2013<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nMost of Michigan.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nIt destroyed everything, Jen. If the blast was so big that it destroyed most of Michigan, it destroyed the Earth.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nThat’s not true. That’s not true, the blast wasn’t that big, but it would be big enough that the exclusion zone covered most of Michigan. We would have to sell the top half of Michigan\u2013<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nOh my god, you are so high.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nWhat I’m saying is, it’s not like it’s going to blow Michigan completely off the map. I’m saying it’s going to make the exclusion zone go across, like it goes all the way to Lansing. And people are like, ew, I don’t, I definitely don’t want to drive there so\u2013<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nThe exclusion area isn’t going to be that big.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nIt’s going to be pretty big. Like, as big as that place in the Ukraine.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nChernobyl. It’s going to be as big as the exclusion zone for Chernobyl.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nYes.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nThat’s not really that big.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nOkay, what is it, like thirty miles? That would still be… We would have to sell the top part of Michigan, like here’s the UP and here’s the bridge, and you come down and it’s just right there, you have to stop.<\/p>\n
MR. JEN
\nFor thirty miles.<\/p>\n
JENNY
\nWe would have to sell Michigan to Canada. Because I slapped you in the dick.<\/p>\n
FADE OUT.<\/p>\n
THE END<\/span><\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" FADE IN: INT. BEDROOM, EVENING JENNY TROUT, a brilliant young writer with the face of an obese Bernadette Peters sits on the bed beside her…<\/p>\n