I love Ed Sheeran. There. I said it. I mean, maybe I’m a fan? But also, I kind of want to bully him? I’m fairly sure that if I saw him on the street carrying a cup of coffee, I would slap it out of his hand and yell, “NERD!” in his face. Or maybe I find him sexually attractive? I guess? Maybe I want to be his mom? I can’t tell. But I do know that I am drawn to him like a moth to a delicious, ginger porchlight. I open my arms wide for your shock, disappointment, bewilderment, and horror. Heap your recriminations upon me and my alleged bad taste. But I guarantee you will never be as angry with me\u2013or with Ed Sheeran\u2013as my nine-year-old.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n
For some reason, my daughter, Wednesday, is convinced that Ed Sheeran poses not only a very real and serious threat to my marriage but to Beyonc\u00e9’s as well:<\/p>\n
FADE IN
\nINT: CAR – EVENING. JENNY drives while WEDNESDAY rides in the backseat. Ed Sheeran and Beyonc\u00e9’s duet of “Perfect” plays on the radio.<\/p>\n
BEYONC\u00c9 [v.o.] WEDNESDAY BEYONC\u00c9 [v.o.] WEDNESDAY JENNY BEYONC\u00c9 and ED [v.o.] WEDNESDAY BEYONC\u00c9 and ED [v.o.] WEDNESDAY JENNY WEDNESDAY The song ends. “Don’t” begins.<\/p>\n WEDNESDAY JENNY WEDNESDAY JENNY WEDNESDAY JENNY WEDNESDAY JENNY WEDNESDAY FIN<\/p>\n So, apparently, my relationship of sixteen years is on the brink of collapse due to Ed Sheeran’s relentless pursuit of my affection. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" I love Ed Sheeran. There. I said it. I mean, maybe I’m a fan? But also, I kind of want to bully him? I’m fairly<\/p>\n
\nBaby, I’m dancing in the dark<\/em><\/p>\n
\nDon’t dance with him!<\/p>\n
\nWith you between my arms<\/em><\/p>\n
\nDon’t put your arms around him!<\/p>\n
\nWait, do you think Beyonc\u00e9 is like, actually in love with Ed Sheeran?<\/p>\n
\nI have faith in what I see<\/em><\/p>\n
\nDon’t have faith in him, Beyonc\u00e9, he’ll write a mean song about you!<\/p>\n
\nI don’t deserve this<\/em><\/p>\n
\nOf course, you don’t deserve her! Nobody deserves Beyonc\u00e9! And you don’t deserve love, Ed!<\/p>\n
\nWhoa, harsh! And I think his wife probably disagrees.<\/p>\n
\nHis wife can do better!<\/p>\n
\nOh good, another Ed Sheeran song I can make fun of. “Don’t fuck with my love,” how about you don’t fuck with my mom’s love, Ed?<\/p>\n
\nWait, what?<\/p>\n
\nBecause she’s married to my dad!<\/p>\n
\nI am one hundred percent sure that I’m not going to leave your dad for Ed Sheeran.<\/p>\n
\nThat’s not what you sound like. You feel more romantic for him than you do for dad!<\/p>\n
\nI love Ed Sheeran from afar. It’s not the same thing.<\/p>\n
\nWell, he’s going to write a mean song about you because you broke his heart.<\/p>\n
\nYou hate him, so wouldn’t you be happy if I broke his heart?<\/p>\n
\nNot if he breaks your marriage.<\/p>\n