{"id":13262,"date":"2021-12-11T13:32:58","date_gmt":"2021-12-11T18:32:58","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=13262"},"modified":"2021-12-11T13:32:58","modified_gmt":"2021-12-11T18:32:58","slug":"high-thoughts-about-animals","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=13262","title":{"rendered":"High Thoughts About Animals"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>The weather where I live is b-a-n-a-n-a-s where I live right now. Pain levels? Oh, through the god damn roof. I&#8217;m high as heck as a result. And I have thoughts about animals.<\/p>\n<ul>\n<li><strong>I think cats can read.\u00a0<\/strong>My dearly departed cat BFF used to sit in my lap when I worked from bed. She&#8217;d put her paws over my wrist as I typed, and she kept her eyes on the screen. Every so often, she&#8217;d turn her head and look at me with such a judgmental expression that I am certain she could read what I&#8217;d just written and she did not like it.<\/li>\n<li><strong>If I had too much money I would die by tiger.\u00a0<\/strong>I have this dream of winning the lottery (which I never play) and opening a tiger sanctuary like Carole Baskin&#8217;s. But I would die because I would pet the tigers. I wouldn&#8217;t be able to resist. I know it&#8217;s bad from a conservation standpoint. And I know it&#8217;s dangerous because they&#8217;re frickin&#8217; tigers. But I would do it anyway because I have no self-control. They&#8217;re frickin&#8217; tigers.<\/li>\n<li><strong>I&#8217;m afraid to realize my dream of eventually dying by tiger.\u00a0<\/strong>My housecat, Baymax, is less than a year old and he makes me afraid of tigers. Baymax is a loving cuddle bug like 90% of the time. The other 10%, he&#8217;s a primal beast, lunging at faces and viciously attacking feet under blankets. Today, as Baymax had my whole nose in his mouth (a tooth in each nostril), I was like&#8230;what the fuck? Why do people keep tigers at their house? I would be dead right now.<\/li>\n<li><strong>And yet, I keep dogs that could easily kill me in my house with me.\u00a0<\/strong>I don&#8217;t think my little pit bull could kill me. She could seriously hurt me, for sure, but I can physically overpower her dumb ass when she tries to do something aggressive. My older pit bull? Definitely she could. But I&#8217;m cool just chilling on the couch with her, trusting her not to kill and eat me.<\/li>\n<li><strong>I can&#8217;t believe birds and chickens and shit like that are dinosaurs.<\/strong> Why is this not something we&#8217;re marveling at every single day? You know those fat little round boy birds with black heads and little white cheeks? I read somewhere that those are descending from T-Rexes. WHY ARE WE NOT TALKING ABOUT THIS MORE?<\/li>\n<li><strong>I think some animals probably don&#8217;t give a shit about captivity.\u00a0<\/strong>I&#8217;ve been thinking about getting a jumping spider recently but I was like, oh no, what if I do that and it&#8217;s actually cruel to keep them in a terrarium after all? And then I thought about if I was a spider, wouldn&#8217;t I dig a life where predators were not a thing, the temperature was always just right, and I always had exactly how much food and water I needed? I think the same thing about hamsters. The only thing a hamster in the wild wants is to be left the fuck alone and to eat and burrow. I don&#8217;t think they mind living in people&#8217;s houses when they&#8217;re getting what they need.<\/li>\n<li><strong>I think a lot of animals do and people who keep them are bullies.<\/strong> Why do you want a pet tiger? Those things want to go around places. I think the fact that we have to keep cats indoors is cruel, to be honest. I get that it&#8217;s a responsible thing to do but at the same time I&#8217;m like, man. Why do I think I&#8217;m the boss of these cats? But it&#8217;s like, a million times worse when it&#8217;s not a domesticated species.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Don&#8217;t get me started on octopuses.\u00a0<\/strong>It should be illegal for private individuals to have pet octopuses. They&#8217;re so much smarter than we are and I know that we don&#8217;t know everything about them yet. They die of boredom in home aquariums. That&#8217;s fucked up.<\/li>\n<li><strong>Same for chimps and other apes.\u00a0<\/strong>There doesn&#8217;t seem to be much difference between humans and chimpanzees and gorillas and stuff. They&#8217;re way too much like us.<\/li>\n<li><strong>I&#8217;m afraid of chimps and other apes.\u00a0<\/strong>I can barely squeak by on picking up human social cues. How the hell am I supposed to figure out how to communicate with a gorilla without making a fatal faux pas? They have all these cultural rules and behaviors that are part of survival, so they take that shit seriously. My plan for if I ever run into a gorilla or a chimp or a bonobo is to just lay on the ground and hope it doesn&#8217;t notice me.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<p>Well, it&#8217;s time for a nap. I&#8217;ll be getting high when I wake up so please share your animal thoughts.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>The weather where I live is b-a-n-a-n-a-s where I live right now. Pain levels? Oh, through the god damn roof. I&#8217;m high as heck as&#8230;<\/p>\n<div class=\"more-link-wrapper\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=13262\">Read more<span class=\"screen-reader-text\">High Thoughts About Animals<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13262"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=13262"}],"version-history":[{"count":3,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13262\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":13265,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/13262\/revisions\/13265"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=13262"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=13262"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=13262"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}