{"id":2299,"date":"2012-08-06T23:30:00","date_gmt":"2012-08-06T23:30:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennytrout.wordpress.com\/2012\/08\/06\/my-blog-will-and-testament"},"modified":"2012-08-06T23:30:00","modified_gmt":"2012-08-06T23:30:00","slug":"my-blog-will-and-testament","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=2299","title":{"rendered":"My Blog Will And Testament"},"content":{"rendered":"<p>Since I will be boarding a flying death machine tomorrow &#8211; sorry, &#8220;commercial airliner&#8221; &#8211; I thought I should have my affairs in order. So, I approached my husband about my last wishes, to make sure we were both on the same page.<\/p>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>He chewed thoughtfully a moment, because he was eating, and then he said, &#8220;You wanted me to chuck you in Lake Superior, right?&#8221;<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>No, Joe. No, I do not want you to &#8220;chuck&#8221; my decomposing body into the greatest of lakes.<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>Since my husband can clearly not be trusted to remember my final wishes, I share them with you, readers. Please, someone make sure these are all carried out to the very letter:<\/div>\n<div>\n<ul>\n<li>In the event that my body is all in one piece upon my death, please, no embalming. Make sure I&#8217;m good and freaking dead, of course, but no creepy poking around in my cadaver with sharp, suction tools. If there&#8217;s going to be an open casket, let me look grim as all fuck. Don&#8217;t even super glue my mouth open, just hold it shut with an old-timey tooth-ache bandage and put fifty cent pieces over my eyes.<\/li>\n<li>At some point during the visitation, my good friend Cheryl is to lean over my casket and say, &#8220;Yup, Jen looks really, really dead.&#8221; Since she lives in Hawaii now, you may opt to make this a &#8220;destination&#8221; funeral and get a really good trip out of it.<\/li>\n<li>The funeral should be appropriately sad. Hired mourners would be a plus.<\/li>\n<li>Music selections should include Johnny Cash and the Carter Family performing &#8220;Peace In The Valley&#8221; and Loretta Lynn&#8217;s &#8220;Old Rugged Cross.&#8221; When my casket is carried from the church or waffle house my funeral is held at, I would like the final hymn to be &#8220;Another One Bites The Dust&#8221; by Queen. Unless I have completed my lifetime goal of being a contestant on tv&#8217;s <i>Jeopardy!<\/i>, in which case I would like the final hymn to be &#8220;Weird&#8221; Al Yankovic&#8217;s &#8220;I Lost on Jeopardy.&#8221;<\/li>\n<li>Since I&#8217;m going to be cremated, see if someone can keep my casket. They can&#8217;t re-sell them, and it would make a kick-ass Halloween decoration.<\/li>\n<li>Upon my cremation, I would like most of my remains to be delivered to my grieving husband and children, with a small portion set aside to be eaten, slowly, in front of my friend Keith, who will be forced to watch. He will be reluctant to participate; it must be made clear that this is my absolute last wish and my spirit shall be restless evermore if he does not watch someone eat a little bit of my cremains. He will also straight up vomit, and this is the purpose of my last wish.<\/li>\n<li>My husband shall bring my ashes to Christmas, Michigan, to a pre-determined location, whereupon he will spill my ass out into the Big Lake and I can become one with the beauty, grandeur, and utter kickassitude of Michigan.<\/li>\n<li>When my dog dies, probably days after my untimely demise, due to a broken heart, he should also be cremated and thrown into Lake Superior.<\/li>\n<li>After an appropriate period of mourning, my husband is allowed to &#8220;find love&#8221; again, but he must make clear to the husband-stealing skank he hooks up with that if I were still around, she&#8217;d be out on her ass in two seconds flat and probably missing big handfuls of hair. Also, my kids must not call her &#8220;mommy&#8221; because she&#8217;s probably an evil stepmother just like in Cinderella.<\/li>\n<li>At no point should the words &#8220;Fifty&#8221; or &#8220;Shades&#8221; appear in my obituary, upon pain of haunting. The words &#8220;underrated&#8221; and &#8220;genius&#8221; are, however, encouraged.<\/li>\n<\/ul>\n<div>Now, of course I know I will be fine, and no grave robbing hussy is going to move in on my family before my ashes are cold, but just <i>in case<\/i>\u00a0that happens, I am counting on you, dear readers, to see that my last wishes are respected.<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<div><\/div>\n<div>PS. Everyone dress like Star Wars characters for my funeral, that would be rad.<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"<p>Since I will be boarding a flying death machine tomorrow &#8211; sorry, &#8220;commercial airliner&#8221; &#8211; I thought I should have my affairs in order. So,&#8230;<\/p>\n<div class=\"more-link-wrapper\"><a class=\"more-link\" href=\"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=2299\">Read more<span class=\"screen-reader-text\">My Blog Will And Testament<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2299"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=2299"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/2299\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=2299"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=2299"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=2299"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}