Senator John McCain is in the city this morning. Senator McCain, on behalf of everyone in our area: stop fucking up our traffic. The weather is bad enough.<\/p>\n
For about a week we had bizarre weather here. See, in Michigan, January is usually synonymous with mountains of snow, roads like arctic Slip n\u2019 Slides and this really cool phenomenon where you leave a bottled water outside and it doesn\u2019t freeze until you bring it inside and open it. But for some reason, last week we had temperatures in the forties (that\u2019s fahrenheit, for everyone outside of this tiny island of standard measure in an ugly, cold, metric world, but let\u2019s just say it was between 4 and 9 celsius and 277 and 282 Kelvin, in case you\u2019re a scientist), which means shorts-wearing time for the average Michigander.<\/p>\n
We\u2019re paying for that now, with multiple vehicle accidents at every intersection and snow that falls in wet, gap-between-your-coat-and-your-neck seeking clumps.<\/p>\n
Maybe it’s the weather that has me in a poor mood, but I have been locked in the throes of deepest grammar rage today. I don\u2019t know why, but I\u2019ve been noticing everyone\u2019s spoken grammar issues. For example, on Dr. Phil, Dr. Phil said, \u201cI\u2019ve raised two boys, along with my wife, Robin.\u201d What the hell, dude? You\u2019re a medical doctor. Could you rephrase that question so that it doesn\u2019t imply that you raised your wife? I know she looks young, but I have a feeling that has more to do with L.A. doctors and not age.<\/p>\n
Don\u2019t even get me started on the Bare Minerals informercial (that I absolutely love to watch, because I love to see people putting on makeup). The woman trying to sell the products goes on and on about all the unnatural ingredients in regular foundations and concealers, then goes on to say, \u201cthere are only five natural ingredients in Bare Minerals.\u201d Gee, that\u2019s great, so what are the other, unnatural ingredients? Maybe something like, \u201cthere are only five ingredients in Bare Minerals, and they\u2019re all natural.\u201d There, I fixed your commercial.<\/p>\n
I really can\u2019t be that harsh. I can barely string together a sentence.<\/p>\n
GREAT CHRISTMAS\u2019S GHOST! We now interrupt your regularly scheduled blog bitching to totally flip out about Dr. Phil\u2019s wife feeling up a seventeen-year-old on TV. Here\u2019s the scoop: Dr. Phil asks Robin to come up on stage to be a part of a difficult interview between parents and a child. Robin comes up, sits next to this seventeen-year-old boy, puts her hand on his knee and says she was \u201cwanting to touch\u201d him. No joke. Then she reaches into his lap to get ahold of his hand, and he\u2019s looking profoundly uncomfortable. Dr. Phil goes, \u201cWhat are you feeling right now,\u201d and I\u2019m expecting this kid to say, \u201cYour wife molesting me, Dr. Phil.\u201d Holy crow. I mean, I get it, you\u2019re going through this midlife thing and you\u2019ve had all the plastic surgery you can reasonably have, so what comes next? You hire a supple young pool boy or a bronzed carpenter\/struggling underwear model or somebody you don\u2019t really need around the house and who preferably doesn\u2019t speak English to take care of these things.<\/p>\n
I\u2019m seriously disturbed by Robin\u2019s excessive handling of this poor, minor child, and Dr. Phil\u2019s sudden and excessive use of mixed metaphor. I need to see some people putting on makeup to soothe my jangled nerves. Here, have some:<\/p>\n
[youtube http:\/\/www.youtube.com\/watch?v=DNteXc1D_pc&rel=1]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"
Senator John McCain is in the city this morning. Senator McCain, on behalf of everyone in our area: stop fucking up our traffic. The weather…<\/p>\n