{"id":4337,"date":"2007-12-10T12:57:00","date_gmt":"2007-12-10T12:57:00","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/jennytrout.wordpress.com\/2007\/12\/10\/hofftacular-spectacular-continues-jen-vs-the-hoff"},"modified":"2007-12-10T12:57:00","modified_gmt":"2007-12-10T12:57:00","slug":"hofftacular-spectacular-continues-jen-vs-the-hoff","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/?p=4337","title":{"rendered":"Hofftacular Spectacular Continues… JEN vs. THE HOFF!"},"content":{"rendered":"

\"\"<\/a>
Today, my friends, is an epic day. Today, I engage The Hoff in figurative combat. Today, is Jen vs. The Hoff. Today, we see how I, a mere mortal, stack up against that shining beacon with wings of tenderness, David Hasselhoff.<\/p>\n

Let’s start at the beginning. A very good place to start. When you read, you begin with A B C. When you prepare for imaginary battle with El Hoff, you begin with<\/p>\n

The Basics<\/U><\/B>
Names<\/B><\/i>
Jennifer Armintrout<\/U>. Fits perfectly in place of the words “Jesus Christ, Superstar” in the song “Jesus Christ, Superstar.” Has eighteen letters.
David Hasselhoff<\/U>. Fits in place of the words “Jesus Christ, Superstar” if you stretch the first syllable of “David” out a bit. Has fifteen letters.
ADVANTAGE: Jen<\/B><\/p>\n

Initials<\/I><\/B>
Jen: JLA<\/U> Also stands for Justice League Of America.
Hoff: DMH<\/U> Stands for Hoffski.
ADVANTAGE: Hoff<\/B><\/p>\n

Body<\/I><\/B>
Jen: Flabby<\/U> I don’t like fruit.
Hoff: Terrifically sculpted\/cuts a dashing figure in lifeguarding trunks<\/U> But slightly hairy.
ADVANTAGE: Hoff<\/B><\/p>\n

Vocabulary<\/I><\/B>
Jen: Has used “verisimilitude” in a sentence, successfully<\/U>. No one knew what it meant.
Hoff: Coined the phrase “Hofftastic”<\/U>. No one knows what it means, either.
ADVANTAGE: Draw<\/B><\/p>\n

Personal Style<\/B><\/U>
Author Photos<\/B><\/i>
Jen: Brooding, in graveyard<\/U> Also, taken by Jill Welch, coolest photographer on the planet.
Hoff: Grinch-who-stole-Christmas-style-sneer-over-sunglasses pose<\/U> Not taken by Jill Welch.
ADVANTAGE: Jill Welch<\/B><\/p>\n

Worst Outfit<\/i><\/B>
Jen: Little House On The Prairie style dress<\/U>. Wore it in Kindergarten. Never got over it.
Hoff: Piano key scarf and light up jacket<\/U>. Wore it in Germany to sing above the Berlin Wall. Germans went crazy<\/S> crazier.
ADVANTAGE: Hoff<\/B><\/p>\n

Fly Ride<\/i><\/B>
Jen: Your mom<\/s><\/U> A green Dodge Neon, actually.
Hoff: KITT<\/U> Effeminate talking car.
ADVANTAGE: Your Mom<\/S> Hoff.<\/B><\/p>\n

Career<\/U><\/B>
Page Counts<\/B><\/I>
Jen: Usually around 400.<\/U> Above or below, depending.
Hoff: 270.<\/U> Not counting bibliography, discography, television resume and other assorted end materials.
ADVANTAGE: Jen<\/B><\/p>\n

Fight Scenes<\/B><\/I>
Jen: Vampires getting killed in creative ways.<\/U> In book four, Vampires, Werewolves, Zombies and Golems in a giant throw down.
Hoff: Transvestites chase him out of a New Zealand bar.<\/U> I’m not joking, it’s in his book.
ADVANTAGE: Jen<\/B><\/p>\n

Australia Thinks:<\/I><\/B>
Jen: I’m okay.<\/U> My book did pretty well there.
Hoff: is indispensable<\/U> Prime Minister John Howard allegedly said “You’ve got to stay for the economy, the spirit and the soul of Australia.”
ADVANTAGE: Hoff. Also, Australia. Everyone wins!<\/B><\/p>\n

Internet Presence<\/I><\/B>
Jen: Hasn’t checked her MySpace in weeks.<\/U> Has also forgotten her Facebook password.
Hoff: King Of The Interet.<\/U> See videos below.
ADVANTAGE: Hoff<\/B><\/p>\n

World Records Held<\/I><\/B>
Jen: Unofficial record.<\/U> For most times accidentally poking one’s self in the eye.
Hoff: Official Guinness World Record.<\/U> For most watched television show ever (Baywatch).
ADVANTAGE: Hoff<\/B><\/p>\n

Well, there you have it. The Hoff is cooler than me to the tune of 7 to 3. Jill Welch made an impressive showing in her absence.<\/p>\n

I’m off to nurse my wounds– and by that I mean “miraculously heal them with the power of Hoffski”– and get some work done whilst waiting for the Crow’s Nest to open so I can get me some breakfast.<\/p>\n

Keep it real, y’all.<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Today, my friends, is an epic day. Today, I engage The Hoff in figurative combat. Today, is Jen vs. The Hoff. Today, we see how…<\/p>\n

Read moreHofftacular Spectacular Continues… JEN vs. THE HOFF!<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":[],"categories":[1],"tags":[],"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4337"}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcomments&post=4337"}],"version-history":[{"count":1,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4337\/revisions"}],"predecessor-version":[{"id":7090,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=\/wp\/v2\/posts\/4337\/revisions\/7090"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fmedia&parent=4337"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Fcategories&post=4337"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/jennytrout.com\/index.php?rest_route=%2Fwp%2Fv2%2Ftags&post=4337"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}