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<\/a><\/div>\nAna tells Christian she recognizes it’s Jack from his earrings and the shape of his shoulders and build. She thinks he’s wearing a wig, or he’s cut and dyed his hair. Which throws me for a bit of a loop, because I had been visualizing Jack Hyde as Rufus from Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure.<\/i> “you seem to have studied your ex-boss in some detail, Mrs. Grey,” he murmurs, sounding none too pleased.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Was it about you, or me?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Me.” He sighs.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “What sort of things? About your lifestyle?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n I love that this is still being portrayed as something that would ruin Christian Grey, both personally and professionally. He likes to spank women in his sex dungeon. As far as I’m aware, that’s probably the first and mildest vice anyone is going to suspect a billionaire of getting up to. I mean, off the top of my head, I imagine Donald Trump jacks off while personally slaughtering the urban foxes that are later fashioned into his stupid wigs (and he can’t sue me for saying that because THIS POST IS INTENDED AS SATIRE). So, “He’s into some kink,” isn’t going to shock the plebs, we all think rich people are up to deviant shit nonstop. It isn’t as though Christian Grey is making snuff films or feeding unruly servants to eels or anything.<\/p>\n Apparently, the car Jack Hyde drives is a 2006 Camaro. You guys, I’m so glad this came up, because CAR PORN TIMES:<\/p>\n <\/p>\n <\/p>\n “Well, Mrs. Grey, it seems that you are not only decorative, but useful, too.” Christian’s eyes light up with wicked amusement. I know he’s teasing.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Oh, so he doesn’t really think you’re useful? I assume that’s the part he’s teasing you about. What the shit is that? He’s saying, quite clearly, that the only value he thought Ana had was her looks. Did he go to the Dowager Countess Grantham School For Backhanded Compliments?<\/p>\n “Hungry?” he asks.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “No.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “I am.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “What for?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Well – food actually.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n OMG, they flipped it! This time it wasn’t about sex! E.L. James is truly a treasure of human wit! They have the longest conversation ever about what he wants to eat, and they repeatedly call each other Mr. and Mrs. Grey because it wasn’t tiresome at all when they were calling each other Mr. Grey and Miss Steele, and I certainly can’t get enough of it and I hope it just keeps going on and on and on until one or both of them is dead by my hand.<\/p>\n Ana goes to the kitchen to make the MOST NEEDLESSLY DRAMATIC SANDWICH OF ALL TIME:<\/p>\n “Um – so what does Christian like in a, um… sub?” I frown, struck by what I’ve just said. Does Mrs. Jones understand the inference?<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Ana seems to actually believe that everyone in the universe is obsessed with Christian Grey’s sex life. What’s spooky is, since this book has come out, that’s kind of become true.<\/p>\n “Barefoot and in the kitchen,” he murmurs.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Shouldn’t that be barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen?” I smirk.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n He stills, his whole body tensing against me. “Not yet,” he declares, apprehension clear in his voice.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Too late, dummies!<\/p>\n They continue to make the MOST NEEDLESSLY DRAMATIC SANDWICH OF ALL TIME until a section break, after which Christian and Ana look over the plans for the remodel of their new house, and it turns into what I’m sure was an unintentional metaphor for their entire relationship:<\/p>\n “[…] I fell in love with the house as it was… warts and all.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Christian’s brow furrows as if this is anathema to him.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n BOOM. The reason I know this is totally unintentional on E.L. James’s part is because it’s clear from her repeated statements in the media that she doesn’t find their relationship unhealthy at all. But right here, we have Ana, the girl Christian picked to mold and shape and change through all his bullshit contract requirements about what to eat and how she’s supposed to work out and what clothing she’s allowed to wear, saying she likes something as it is, even if it’s not her idea of perfection, and he can’t possibly understand the concept. Now, I’m 100% fucking certain that E.L. put this in to show us that Christian doesn’t understand how Ana can love him as he is, without changing, or to prove to the reader that Ana really can love him despite all his flaws. But it actually says more about Christian’s inability to have a relationship with anyone he isn’t controlling and smashing into the mold he wants them to fit into.<\/p>\n After they’re done looking at the plans for the house, which includes more talk about how they don’t want to start a family yet, because when E.L. James looked up “foreshadowing” in the dictionary, this picture was next to the definition:<\/p>\n We have sat here three, maybe four times total, and Christian usually reads a book. He’s not interested in television at all. I curl up beside him on the couch, tucking my legs beneath me and resting my head against his shoulder. He switches on the flat-screen television with the remote and flicks mindlessly through the channels.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Any specific drivel you want to see?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Try not to be too<\/i>\u00a0condescending there, Chedward.<\/p>\n I’m going to get on my soapbox here and say:<\/p>\n I flush. “Of course.” Well, kind of…<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “What! Who with?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Oh no. I do not want to have this discussion.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Tell me,” he persists.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n I gaze down at my knotted fingers. He gently covers my hands with one of his. When I glance up at him, he’s smiking at me.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “I want to know. So I can beat whoever it was to a pulp.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n I giggle. “Well, the first time…”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “The first time! There’s more than one fucker?” He growls.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “We’re supposed to be making out.” I groan.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Christian stills. “I thought we were.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “No. No sex.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n And then they have sex. Okay, so I get the whole, “let’s not have sex\/let’s have sex now” thing is often used in romantic scenes, but this concerns me because remember, when they’re doing BDSM stuff nowadays, they’re not using safe words anymore, he’s just going to stop when she asks to stop. But right here, she has initiated sexual activity, she’s saying, “No sex,” and the first thing he does is set off on a quest to get her to have intercourse. He won’t play by the rules of her game, probably because they’re her<\/i>\u00a0rules. This isn’t inspiring a lot of confidence for that whole, “We don’t need safe words,” thing.<\/p>\n After boring and repetitive sex, Christian turns the sound on the tv to watch X-Files<\/i>. He says he liked the show when he was a kid, but Ana says it was before her time. Wait, what? This book was published in 2011, right? So Ana was twenty-two in 2011, meaning she was thirteen when The X-Files<\/i>\u00a0was cancelled. Now, I can see why maybe a kid who’s ten or eleven wouldn’t be into the show, and there’s no law that everyone has to watch The X-Files<\/i>.<\/p>\n Which reminds me… I shift, propping myself up on my elbows to see him better. “Why were you shouting at Sawyer?”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n He stiffens immediately. <\/i>Oh shit.<\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Because we were followed.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “That wasn’t Sawyer’s fault.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n He gazes at me levelly. “They should never have let you get so far in front. They know that.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n “Look, I realize that it was my choice to drive separately from our security, but they’re the ones who had the audacity to not be in the car with us when we were being followed. Also, they should have kept up with us, even though I encouraged you to drive like ninety miles an hour in an R8 when they were in an SUV. They should have swapped out for a sports car at the drop of a hat.”<\/p>\n “Enough!” Christian is suddenly curt. “This is not up for discussion, Anastasia. It’s a fact, and they won’t let it happen again.”<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n \u00a0Anastasia! I am Anastasia when I am in trouble, just like at home with my mother.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n Because your husband infantilizes you. He’s also clearly an American Conservative, because he’s insisting his opinion is a fact and refusing to entertain common sense.<\/p>\n Ana asks Christian if they ever caught up to the woman in the Dodge:<\/p>\n “Sawyer saw someone with their hair tied back, but it was a brief look. He assumed it was a woman. Now, given that you’ve identified that fucker, maybe it was him. He wore his hair like that.” The disgust in Christian’s voice is palpable.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n But I thought Jack Hyde drove a Camaro. Oh, please. Don’t do this to me, E.L. Please tell me you know the difference between Chevy and Dodge?<\/p>\n The next morning, Christian rides with Ana to work, but this time, security is in the car with them. They have the longest good-bye in the history of long good-byes. Why can’t these nimrods ever just say, “See you at five, have a good day?” Oh, because romance<\/i>, I forgot.<\/p>\n Since Ana left on her honeymoon, shit has changed at SIP. For example:<\/p>\n Hannah is my assistant. She is tall, slim, and ruthlessly efficient to the point that sometimes I find her a little intimidating. But she’s sweet to me, in spite of the fact that she’s a couple of years older.<\/i><\/p><\/blockquote>\n
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