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Don’t @#%& With Mom’s Love, Apparently

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I love Ed Sheeran. There. I said it. I mean, maybe I’m a fan? But also, I kind of want to bully him? I’m fairly sure that if I saw him on the street carrying a cup of coffee, I would slap it out of his hand and yell, “NERD!” in his face. Or maybe I find him sexually attractive? I guess? Maybe I want to be his mom? I can’t tell. But I do know that I am drawn to him like a moth to a delicious, ginger porchlight. I open my arms wide for your shock, disappointment, bewilderment, and horror. Heap your recriminations upon me and my alleged bad taste. But I guarantee you will never be as angry with me–or with Ed Sheeran–as my nine-year-old.

For some reason, my daughter, Wednesday, is convinced that Ed Sheeran poses not only a very real and serious threat to my marriage but to Beyoncé’s as well:

FADE IN
INT: CAR – EVENING. JENNY drives while WEDNESDAY rides in the backseat. Ed Sheeran and Beyoncé’s duet of “Perfect” plays on the radio.

BEYONCÉ [v.o.]
Baby, I’m dancing in the dark

WEDNESDAY
Don’t dance with him!

BEYONCÉ [v.o.]
With you between my arms

WEDNESDAY
Don’t put your arms around him!

JENNY
Wait, do you think Beyoncé is like, actually in love with Ed Sheeran?

BEYONCÉ and ED [v.o.]
I have faith in what I see

WEDNESDAY
Don’t have faith in him, Beyoncé, he’ll write a mean song about you!

BEYONCÉ and ED [v.o.]
I don’t deserve this

WEDNESDAY
Of course, you don’t deserve her! Nobody deserves Beyoncé! And you don’t deserve love, Ed!

JENNY
Whoa, harsh! And I think his wife probably disagrees.

WEDNESDAY
His wife can do better!

The song ends. “Don’t” begins.

WEDNESDAY
Oh good, another Ed Sheeran song I can make fun of. “Don’t fuck with my love,” how about you don’t fuck with my mom’s love, Ed?

JENNY
Wait, what?

WEDNESDAY
Because she’s married to my dad!

JENNY
I am one hundred percent sure that I’m not going to leave your dad for Ed Sheeran.

WEDNESDAY
That’s not what you sound like. You feel more romantic for him than you do for dad!

JENNY
I love Ed Sheeran from afar. It’s not the same thing.

WEDNESDAY
Well, he’s going to write a mean song about you because you broke his heart.

JENNY
You hate him, so wouldn’t you be happy if I broke his heart?

WEDNESDAY
Not if he breaks your marriage.

FIN

So, apparently, my relationship of sixteen years is on the brink of collapse due to Ed Sheeran’s relentless pursuit of my affection. Please respect my family’s privacy at this time.

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16 Comments

  1. Becky
    Becky

    Lmao I just read your entire post aloud for mine and my husband’s amusement. Wednesday is hilarious!

    Your first paragraph hit a nerve though. I too have conflicted feelings about Ed Sheeran. Maybe we can start a club: the hate/fuck Ed Sheeran fan club. We’ll meet in secret to hide our shame.

    October 17, 2018
    |Reply
  2. Stella Price
    Stella Price

    I fucking love your kid.

    he doesn’t deserve love.

    We all have that one person we hate with no reason… for your kid its Ed…

    October 17, 2018
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  3. Emerald
    Emerald

    Hahahaha nine year olds have some intense melodramatic feelings!

    October 17, 2018
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  4. Tez Miller
    Tez Miller

    Did she tattle on you to Mr Jen? 😉

    October 18, 2018
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  5. Chris
    Chris

    I remember when I was about seven or so, asking my mother one day if my father was in love with her.
    “Yes, absolutely”, she said.
    And are you in love with dad?”, I asked.
    “No,” my mom said. “Becaue I’m in love with Elvis Presley.”

    So that’s what it has been for me for years. I even told people at school. My dad loves my mom and my mom loves Elvis Presley. I thought it was completely normal.
    Wish I’d been as bad ass as your kid. She’s awesome.

    October 18, 2018
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  6. Anon
    Anon

    My condolences on your pending divorce. Wednesday will feel better once she’s living in a mansion and jet-setting around the world, at least.

    October 18, 2018
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  7. Fluffy
    Fluffy

    Every time I read this it is just as funny as the first time. Thank you for making my day!! (And my yesterday!)

    October 18, 2018
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  8. Liza
    Liza

    I had no idea who Ed Sheeran was until he was on GoT and everyone lost their minds. Why all the love/hate? I honestly don’t get it. But if you’re going to hate on someone, this has got to be the best way to do it.

    October 18, 2018
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  9. Kitt
    Kitt

    Look, Wednesday is right. Nobody deserves Beyoncé and Ed doesn’t deserve love. Please be guided by your genius offspring in this as in all things.

    October 18, 2018
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  10. NyxaNitro
    NyxaNitro

    I started this read with so many questions. By the end… none of them were answered. In fact, I’m almost positive I’m walking away with more than when I first showed up here. But honestly, I think I’m at peace with that. More likely than not burning curiosity will drive me mad, but I’m also pretty chill with that too. But, in case Wednesday is unclear on this – ginger’s need love too. I say this as voluntarily ginger woman who has an undeniable and inexplicable yen for those spicy dorky dudes. So, Wednesday, it’s cool if you don’t love them, more ginger blokes for moi. Just please don’t hate on my love!! (who may or may not be Ed Sheeran, but is much more like Tom my-beard-grows-in-ginger Hiddleston) *wails madly and pitifully*

    October 18, 2018
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  11. =8)-DX
    =8)-DX

    Mum, you should be ashamed and do more romantic feels for Mr Jenny than that talentless bumsplat, Ed (he has no singing voice, bad guitar strumming, lyrics with zero depth and charm and the acting abilities of a leftover turnip. Here’s me pretending to be Ed Sheeran: “gosh I gotta boner ‘cos i want to bone you. Oooh I’m a ginger hunk who thinks he’s cool. Oooh. Bone.”).

    October 20, 2018
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  12. merry
    merry

    Well then maybe you should write a book just like ”After” only with Ed Sheeran as a character. And name it ”Ever”, for example.

    October 20, 2018
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  13. Crystal
    Crystal

    Wednesday’s instincts are dead on, if you ask me. Not that Jenny’s marriage is at risk from the ginger singer, but that Ed Sheeran sounds like a really bad person to get into a relationship with. From listening to his words on “Don’t,” he’s one of those guys who makes unilateral decisions about what kind of relationship you have and what you owe to him, and then gets really mad when it doesn’t work out like that. And then he writes a damn catchy song about it, and EVERYONE KNOWS NOW.

    His own lyrics say “I was never looking for a promise or commitment” so…they never promised each other anything, or made a commitment! Sounds like she was quite free to bang Whoever from One Direction. “but…I thought you were different.” Oh fuck off Sheeran, you whiny, manipulative git.

    October 21, 2018
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  14. Bruce Danlaughing
    Bruce Danlaughing

    Jenn!!! lol no joke! Its me Ed…i know i know lets give you a sec. to compose urself n me to stop laughing.

    Phewww ok..so 1st off i read ur response to Handjob for Mortals earlier n just came back now ,and read all this. So lemme jus save u some time my spelling n punctuation is what it is ok…so yeah u cant talk shit cuz that would be like ….u know, Wrong. Look when god was handing out brains i said naah ima just kik it u nerds go ahead phfh…frkn nerds, plus i only hav my phone too. So thats that. Onviously i was right just look at me now, im all like.. u know …the ISH. Im so_______theres no word for ME yet. Shh last week or whenevr on the red carpet they were like “omg who are you wearing!” i was like :NARSACISM: 2fingrs up n Ed was out. Cmon Kanye??? Even my 3rd person is better. I mean its not Byounce’s fault geez. Honestly if it wasnt for that sweet cute genious of daughter u have….lets just say she saved your marraige. That shit was so FUNNY, ur version was like a big viagra to me…so fukn funny ide BONE u. Im not joking annnd and yea ur welcome.

    OK done with all that serious talk. Lets be real you like went fukn gangster on that girl. lets say we were books instead of people u know, w lil arms n lil legs n shit, living in “Book County.” U almost killed her, fuk i think u did G. Look theres ink everywhere ur covered in it, u lil phsyco. “West Side Writers” dont play. But i know u cant jus be like “im Top Shelf Book up in this Barnes n Nobles….WHAT!!” throw a best seller sticker tattoo on n think that shits guna fly. These libraires r mean ….Amazon aint no joke. “Writers be writen n dyin for this…This is “Book County” . Thats why i dont book bang i know better. She had it coming i mean she rolled out like some Hardback or somthn …more like that lil folder u get at school that i never used lol. Shhht. …..(side note, NO disrespect to all my fellow men n women out there dealing with the real world. The streets are no joke, nothing funny here, RESPECT)…….

    Ok Ed is back. tryn to explain in “Writers World” terms, ,business, art, what have you. GIRL!!! Im surprised she lived, paper n ink all over the street…most violent book down ive ever seen by far, tooo violent. When i say violent i mean hillarious reckinin! Reading how your hillarious, crazy sharp mind works, you had no choice. Thats like telling a hamster to not be cute. Deff. didnt have a shortage of material to work with. But at the same time you WRITERS N EDDITORS need to try to keep the peace damn! How is she btw? Im guna get a Tat of my library card on my right butt cheek for her…poor thing. Mrs. JennTrout or whatever your man has inked across the whole first page of his lil book chest…Your like a female Suge Knight book thug. “Grass dont try to grow, snow dont try to snow” You been putn in work so long…u just dont know any better. I know its not ur fault, i forgive you.

    Aaaaaannndd… (SCENE)

    Ok ok ok im back. Jenn as u can see i dont read to much. Youtube just seem to not give me a headache like reading does. U guys r dumb u know they make videos for everything now….right? Geez. Sorry, sorry dont mean to be a bully like you, just trying to help. BTW first time ever responding or leaving a comment, ever ……(not joking)……just read everybody elses comments at the bottom of youtube. i take a lil surf over to this side of the internet and bam! You guys r repn hard! straight killin chumps creative expressions. Shootn out writers block like bullets. All of you lil writers…yeah thats right i said it. I read em all. Oh the laughs SHAME on you DAMN IT, SHAME! U should all feel very um bad. U know she’ll prob. never write again, she had her cute lil pen legs, do a lil dance n ink would come out her lil pen feet on to the paper…..NOT ANY MORE! I dont even know if they make wheelchairs for books, Mrs. Jenn-ThugsAlot u made darn sure shes gunna need one didnt ya. We dont know if shes ever gunna be able to write a fable ever again!. Ok ok lemme settle down, gota check my hair too…

    Ok hairs perfect. … Now where was i?? Oh yea look u guys, especially “Mrs.JENN aka Genocide on any fake writers disrespecting the game” i understand why you did it, she left u no choice. I mean CMON, your breakdown was…idk a ICE cold 6pk of beer, With LIMES on a hot Cali summer day. Trust me that is the best compliment you hav ever recieved, i know. 1)bcuz ur really good, like a surgen n words r your scalple. No ur a plastic surgen n now she has the best fake book boobies in New York. You helped her in more than one way, areas where she needs to work were branded in her brain with your tongue, used like red HOT steele. Heat that can only be generated with coals of depth and experience. That oughta learn er. I didnt know cowboy Ed was here, but we do now. dang.

    This is all your doing Jenn. Your true passion, love, and respect for the art and artist before you, made you do what had to be done to maintain the dignity of authors past and present. You won the this battle but the war is yet. Over-priced, 1yr. lease, artist lofts, PAID, as far as the eye can see i tell you. Filled with mind numbing stories and time wasting books. For you my friend the struggle remains, fret not for your skills kept sharp. You will fear defeat when your skills not earned, for it dulls your blade.

    Wow 1st time i ever did that. I think it was good, so it must be. I think i should write a book. Thank you Jenn your savage but awesome shit talking has obviously revieled true genious i knew was always there, i mean we all know that. For that many thanks. Oh yeah dnt worry about like all that spelling and comas n stuff. Thats what edditors are for. U know

    This all started cuz that story line she had just sounds way too much like my life. The size of my ego has deff. made it so. Right? What do you think Jenn?

    October 21, 2018
    |Reply
  15. Bruce Danlaughing
    Bruce Danlaughing

    Btw I really do respect you. Went back and read my stuff, im jusr being dumb. Nothing in all i said is a jab at you. I really do think its all interesting. the shit talking you did on Mortals was soo funny, do it to me if i deserve it. Of course i do i write like a dumb ass. Anyway stay up girlo

    October 21, 2018
    |Reply
  16. Mort
    Mort

    Your daughter Wednesday is NINE?! Dude! That’s THE PERFECT AGE! Does she have a crossbow yet? Have you bought her an Iron Maiden? Does she know how to use a guillotine? Man, she must be such an expert on torture by now…

    How do she and her brother(s?) get along?

    November 1, 2018
    |Reply

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