It’s an interesting thing you notice when you quit drinking: everyone talks about drinking. Everyone. It seems the number one thing writers want to talk about on social media is how they’re settling down with a glass of wine to write, or spouting the old “write drunk, edit sober” adage that is apocryphally attributed to Hemingway (himself the patron saint of drunk writers). Writers seem to drink more, or at least talk about drinking more, than anyone else on the planet.
So what happens when you’re a writer with a drinking problem? Let me tell you.
As of June, I’d been sober for the longest I’ve ever been in my life. That is, I hadn’t had a drink since the New Year’s Eve before. That doesn’t sound like a very long time, but for me? It was practically an ultra-marathon of sobriety. One of the things that helped me out a lot was the fact that combining alcohol with my meds and my out-of-control epilepsy is just a bad, bad idea. I don’t want to end up dead, right? But on my annual writing retreat I told myself the lie that every alcoholic tells themselves: I’ll just have one, just this time.
Why did I do it? Every night, my friends would grab their laptops, put their feet up and relax with a drink of some kind while they churned out their words. They never once asked me to drink with them, and I assured them that I was fine having alcohol around. So, what were they supposed to do? Refuse to believe me? I would have gotten so confrontational. Honestly, I didn’t even want a drink, so much as I wanted to feel normal. Because I don’t feel normal around people when they’re drinking and I’m not. Because in our culture, especially in writer culture, alcohol is as casually consumed as oxygen. So I had one beer–despite my friends’ concerns–and decided that was that.
But with sobriety, once you break the seal, it’s kind of like a free-for-all of temptation. You’re always looking for an excuse to have “just one.” After my book release this week, so many writers, readers, and bloggers told me to “pop the champagne” or “celebrate with a glass of wine.” While I was at the grocery store that day, I decided to follow that advice. I argued with my husband that I could have just a glass, and after all, it was a special occasion. He reluctantly consented, but added, “Why don’t we get the four pack of little bottles, instead. That way I don’t have to worry about you chugging a whole bottle.”
Sometimes, living with an alcoholic means enabling to minimize the potential damage. Sad but true.
The problem was, I didn’t have that one tiny bottle. I drank half of it, then left it on my nightstand. And the next day, I took another tiny bottle out of the fridge and drank it. And then another. I was feeling kind of down and depressed, as I often do after a book release (I don’t know why; I think it’s because of all the emotional build-up beforehand), and it just seemed like it would be okay to do.
I woke up the next morning feeling terrible. It was, to borrow some delicate country phrasing from my grandmother, “coming out both ends.” I had a headache. I had muscle aches. I was sweaty and I had chills. I thought I was coming down with something, until I remembered how easy it was to trigger withdrawal symptoms. Even though I’d had just small amounts, spread over two days, my body totally remembered how much it wants alcohol, and it threw a tantrum. Though my symptoms were mild and thankfully didn’t worsen to DTs or withdrawal seizures (though I did experience seizure auras due to not taking my medication–it would have been “dangerous” to mix them with booze, after all, and I am nothing if not desperately stupid when I’m in the grips of alcoholic logic), I was scared enough to realize that yeah, I couldn’t have just one. It was time to get back on the wagon.
Until that night, when I realized that half-bottle was still on my nightstand. It had been open for two days. It was room temperature and flat. And when my husband made me pour it down the bathroom sink, I still hesitated. I could smell it on the sink and hand to god, I had a hard time not putting my fingers in the little bit that was still clinging to the porcelain, just to have a taste.
Ask your nearest alcoholic what the most brutal part of sobriety is, and they’ll probably give you some variation on this answer: you feel really, really fucking left out. Nearly all adult socializing involves alcohol of some kind. Alcoholics Anonymous will tell you to change your habits and to not be around people who drink. But who are these people?
They certainly aren’t writers. The “write drunk, edit sober” cry doesn’t stick to social media. At conferences, the place to be is the hotel bar. The parties all have cash bars, where authors and readers alike joke about how crazy (read: intoxicated) they plan to get. Then there are the invitations to hotel rooms for booze and craziness. And craziness? It isn’t really that fun when you’re the only person who isn’t drunk. It’s like being a six year old sitting in the backyard while the kids next door have a birthday party with cake and balloons and pony rides just on the other side of the fence.
If we look at our writing culture and replace very mention of “wine” with “meth,” would we see how troubling the trend is? Every now and again I’ll tweet about being high, and inevitably I’ll receive a few responses along the lines of, “we get it, you smoke weed.” But I’ve never, that I can recall, seen a reader or author object to someone saying they “need all the wine,” even if that someone tweets or makes Facebook status updates about drinking several times a day. Alcohol is so enmeshed with the romantic notion of writers hunched over manual typewriters in freezing Parisian attics that we’ll probably never break away from it, and with the normalization of alcohol consumption in our society, no one seems to feel the need to examine that stereotype, anyway.
This may come across as whiny or blaming the world for my problems. Ultimately, I realize that my sobriety is my responsibility. But I just can’t imagine any other job where the clientele would be happy to hear that the person whose goods or services they were purchasing was shit-faced drunk when those goods or services were rendered. “Oh my gosh, my oral surgeon got so drunk over the weekend. The pictures are all over Facebook. She’s such a wild card!”
I mean, I’ve definitely read books and thought, “This author must have been drunk,” but it does concern me to think that most of the time, it could be true. So many writers make it sound like intoxication is the key to creativity that it begins to seem like it’s true. And to writers who are alcoholics, the unintentional message is that because we don’t write drunk and edit sober, we’re not legitimate creators.
I hadn’t really thought about this, but you’re right. Staying sober involves a lot more than “just don’t go to a bar” doesn’t it? I’m not a drinker. I’ve done it in the past, mostly the few months after I turned 21, but I never really enjoyed it. So I just don’t drink. But I don’t think much of people posting pictures of those “whole bottle” wineglasses on Facebook and joking about how it’s the perfect size. If I were trying to hold onto my sobriety, that would get really grating. A few years ago I went to my younger sister’s wedding and stayed at her parents house (so my ex-stepfather and his wife.) And it honestly shocked me how much they drank. They were drinking nearly the entire time we were there, and it was really weird to be around. They never got “crazy” but it was jarring to be talking to my sister’s stepmother and have her get abnormally close, like leaning on me, and then remember, “Oh, right, she’s tipsy.” I can see how that would be really hard to navigate at work-related events and that sucks. Sorry, Jenny.
I just had to emerge from the lurking void to tell you that you are not alone! I am a writer who chooses not to drink, and while I very much realize that the aspect of choice makes me vastly unqualified to understand the enormity of struggling with alcoholism and temptation, I can definitely empathize with the overwhelming presence of “drinking culture” and the feeling of being an outsider because of that–especially in the creative world, as you point out here. It’s a really difficult line to walk between trying to mark out your own little space of sobriety, including trying to find social events that aren’t defined by it and wishing that the culture were different, and not sounding like you’re bringing back prohibition. I don’t know if there’s an easy solution out there.
But I really appreciate you sharing this, and I truly wish you all the best going forward with your sobriety. And you are not the only one feeling this way. 🙂
I’m glad to hear that you’ve been writing so much awesome stuff sober. I don’t really like to drink, and these days I’m pregnant or breastfeeding ALL THE TIME, so even the half a glass of wine I might have had is pretty much off the table. Glad to hear that’s not necessarily killing my creativity.
Actually, not to be stupid, but… when you say who are those people? They are pregnant people. Hard to find a pregnant writer’s group to hang out with, but maybe at conferences and stuff there will be at least a few around. Pregnant people are a great bet for finding sober company. 🙂
I haven’t been following your blog for very long, so I didn’t know this about you, but I remember Neil’s struggles from “The Ex” book and wondered how much of it was personal.
I grew up in a religion that prohibited drinking alcohol, so I don’t have the healthiest outlook on drinking. And by that I mean, when I lost my religion, I swung to the opposite spectrum and started drinking a lot, with no real framework for how much was too much. I still drink, but I do have to gauge my intake carefully.
I do like how you included it in The Ex without making it a Lifetime Movie Event: A Story About The Perils Of Drinking. (All caps in that title because it’s That. Important.)
That really sucks, dude. I am consistently astonished to learn what you’re battling as you wreak the excellent works of creativity I’ve been enjoying from you lately. It sounds like part of your mind (I call this part my “Vulcan brain”) knows that whatever substances you do or don’t ingest don’t affect the authenticity of your writing; it’s just that pesky fucking lizard brain/hindbrain/gut brain/irrational emotions brain that sits around muttering toxic lies. And the hell of it is that your logical self knows they’re toxic lies, but that doesn’t make them not exist or stop being a problem. So, I won’t be all “but you’re so smart and talented surely you know that doing what’s best and safest for you is the most important” because of course you know that, it just doesn’t always help. Instead I offer you a “brains are bastards” bro fistbump of solidarity, for what it’s worth. And if something way trivial like tweeting sparkly unicorns or Japanese poo cakes at you would ever be the least help, know that we can make that happen.
I don’t drink much because I don’t like the feeling of being drunk. And I’m the worlds worst lightweight and get a wicked hangover from a very small amount of booze.
I went to a party a couple of weeks ago, mid week, and when I arrived asked for a glass of water because it had been a hot day and I’d had a long walk from the station to the party.
It was a new group of people that I had only met recently. You’d have that my asking for water instead of alcohol was the equivalent of shooting kittens. Come on, have a drink. Why aren’t you any fun? You need to let your hair down.
It really annoyed me. If I’d had a drink problem, or was pregnant and didn’t want to announce these facts to a new group, it would have put me under a lot of pressure. As it was I dug my heels in because I’m a stubborn cow and no-one gets to use playground level manipulation on me like that. And I manged to get up and do karaoke stone-cold sober, so it’s not as if I needed it to “let my hair down” anyway.
If I have even just one or two drinks I spend the entire next 24 hours dry heaving. I know your pain…
I don’t like that I have to explain myself from time to time, but I do find that as soon as I say ‘I basically just skip being drunk and head right into hungover’, it gets dropped and I can just move on without further incident. Actually I’ve been fairly lucky in that most people have been quite considerate of that and in the future have gone out of their way to have non-alcoholic options for me at get togethers. I have very lovely friends 🙂
It is strange that drinking is the default though… it’s just automatically assumed that you drink, when there’s all kinds of very good reasons not to, like being the designated driver, being on meds, being pregnant, being a recovering alcoholic, health reasons, being on a diet (alcohol is very heavy in calories and sugar), religious reasons, moral reasons, taste preferences… Yet alcohol is still just the default. You don’t just assume that everyone smokes anymore now that everyone knows how bad for you that is, and alcohol is TERRIBLE for you for so many reasons, but it’s more acceptable to drink than water, and you have to EXPLAIN yourself to not be expected to drink it. It’s just weird 0-o
I know this probably means fuck all coming from a stranger on the internet, but I am impressed and proud of you for getting sober!
*hugs* I know where you’re coming from…because of my depression I have to be careful about how much or what I drink since it can tip me over the edge. Since I started a new job at the end of March I began drinking at night to deal with stress, and I triggered a depressive episode…Yeah, I think I’m back to having to avoid alcohol pretty religiously if I want to be functional. It’s hard because drinking seems to be a pretty hardcore part of winding down after work for a lot of people. I just need to come up with something healthier that doesn’t make me feel awful.
You’re depressed after a book release because it’s post-partum. And we do have this herd instinct. When I was in my teens, I was once smoking pot with a group of friends when they decided to drop acid. I didn’t do it, and for all that I was high, I could definitely feel it when they went onto that other level of consciousness and I didn’t.
I quit drinking about 6 years ago. Hanging out with drunk people while you’re sober is really tedious and difficult for about the first year and then it gets easier after that. Press on! It will become your new normal. I agree with you about the embedding of alcohol in culture. Especially in Australia, it’s hard to feel like an adult without drinking (and I’m 38!).
I’ve been sober two years and a bit. I realize now I was damn lucky to find other writers in my meetings. The thing is, we all write as a hobby. I had no idea about the ‘drinking writer’ stereotype, and neither do they. I’m writing something sober for the first time in my life and it is fucking terrifying. I feel like even though we don’t know each other, I understand why you drank and reacted the way you did.
You’re an awesome writer, a great person and I always learn a ton from you. This is also likely why I’m always too shy to comment on your blog. I always think, “and if I say something, she’s gonna go, ‘ugh, there he is, telling me I’m cool again. Say something interesting, little boy.” (Somebody over here has no self-worth.) Anyway, yay, I finally said this paragraph. Go me.
I can’t imagine how hard it would be to be sober when you are constantly surrounded by drinking culture. I would like to write something encouraging without sounding patronizing, but I don’t really know what to say. I’m very impressed with your strength and determination.
Jenny- you rock for being able to write about the things that can suck in life without sugar-coating or “woe is me”ing. I have my own issues (don’t we all) and I’m aspiring to your level of authenticity. Sometimes it hurts, sometimes it sucks, but it’s real. It’s good to be real.
*raising a glass of your favorite non-alcoholic drink to salute your awesomeness*
Jen, I would have hung out sober with you. I never drank much and am finding less and less enjoyment out of it. It’s not worth the headache or expense.
Keep on looking after yourself, accept an outstretched hand when it’s offered and know how important you are to so many people. Your blog touches so many. Thank you for your continued candor.
I understand. I’m diabetic and taking medication that’s dangerous with alcohol and also I’m single parenting (so if I drink my five-year-old will not be getting the supervision she needs), and it still takes a lot to walk by that section of the grocery store once a week without buying anything.
It doesn’t help that everything I do for a living is artistic and I feel so much more creative when I’m drinking, especially with writing.
I don’t have anything constructive to say, just that I understand.
I have always felt pretty neutral about drinking. One drink will relax me and a few just make me feel like I am riding a tilt a whirl (not my idea of fun). Since it doesn’t really do a whole lot for me personally I have not really understood why everyone thinks getting hammered is so amazing. I do appreciate when people talk about how alcohol affects their lives since it allows me to sort of understand why people enjoy alcohol so much. I am sorry we make it so difficult for you to easily stay sober Jenny. Thank you for talking about it so openly. I admire your willingness to be so candid and forthcoming.
I’ve been on meds that shouldn’t be mixed with alcohol since I was 15. I can honestly say there have been times in my life where I didn’t give a damn about that. As with everything negative/difficult/challenging in my life I have some cute stories like “that time I got drunk and took my meds and ended up hallucinating green goblins at the end of my bed”, or “that time my eyesight went weird and I could see the leaves but not the trees, the windows but not the houses”. Years ago as the medication got, by necessity, stronger and stronger, I decided to quit drinking altogether. Oreo f the things I noticed was how much pressure is bought to bear on those who chose not to drink. I’ve never had a problem with other people drinking in front of me though there have been a few times where I’ve reached my tolerance limit; both for being ‘the sober one who takes care of everyone else’ and ‘drunk people blathering on’. Yet so often people come at you with the ‘just have one, you’ll be fine’ argument. In no other context would people do this. Yet there’s something in our culture’s attitude towards drinking that pushes this. As you say Jen, pretty much every celebration is marked by drinking. Relaxing at the end of the day? Have a drink. Completed a project? Have a drink. So I totally understand your struggle and give you a huge shout out for continuing to strive because that’s basically the best any of us can do. Years ago when I was making changes to myself I figured out the 1 in 4 rule. I figured if I could start with aiming to do it up right 1 time in every 4 then that didn’t sound like odds that were overwhelming and it allowed for me to fail without becoming disheartened. Gradually as the 1 in 4 thing became a habit it turns into 2 in 4 and by that point you’re half way towards your goal and are effecting some meaningful change. I don’t know if this will help anyone else but I thought I’d throw it out there in case. Anyway anytime you fancy a chat Jen email me. One of the few benefits of being pretty much housebound by my disability is that I’m ALWAYS here. <3333
“Yet so often people come at you with the ‘just have one, you’ll be fine’ argument.”
I know, right? It’s like, I’m an alcoholic; the entire problem is that it will never be just one. That’s how that works.
As a person with delusions of grandeur…i.e. one day I hope to be able to write well enough to be published, I’d like to thank you for this insight into how alcohol affects you. I’m the opposite, I’m the one who’d be sitting there with a cup of tea watching while others drink wine or whatever and it’s hard for me as a non-drinker to understand how it can affect the body.
If we ever meet we could have a cuppa together.
I’m more on the neutral end of the spectrum when it comes to drinking. Yeah occasionally I do it but I also come from a line of alcoholics so when I do it’s one or two drinks. A week. Maybe up to 4. But honestly I’d rather just hang out with people and drink tea or water (they can have coffee if that’s what floats their boats but I won’t be touching it with a 10 ft pole).
I have a lot more fun with people when we’re all sober. But maybe that’s just me and my friend group. Then again I also have quite a few friends who don’t drink at all. For either religious or personal reasons. And I respect that. It’s one of the first things I find out about people usually is where they stand on drinking. Because I can drink or not drink and have fun regardless. But I’d rather put friends in a comfortable position (especially if they’re in the case of you Jenny in which they’re recovering alcoholics) and not make them feel pressured. I won’t go as far as hiding any alcohol I have. I’ll just pretend it doesn’t exist (because I do have some empty bottles in my bedroom and full ones in my garage). I’ll take people out to places that don’t serve alcohol. Even go as far as not to cook anything that I usually cook with alcohol because I don’t want to tempt people that don’t want to be tempted.
I’ve always thought that drinking and writing was a problem especially if done to excess. And held a kind of dislike towards people who quote the write drunk edit sober stuff about their process. It does make me look a little more critically at their work but I don’t necessarily think alcohol makes you a better or worse writer. It has the potential of bringing out one of those but it’s like the catalyst. Writers have good and bad in them for their writing.
In any case, I’m proud of you Jenny for managing to stay sober for the 6 months you did. Because from what I’ve seen, it’s hard. So bravo to you. And reward yourself with some tea. Or coffee. Or soda pop. Or water. Or juice. Or whatever non alcoholic beverage floats your fancy. OR reward yourself with a bowl of your favourite ice cream……..
I’m not a writer, but I would hang out with you if I were nearer! Neither my husband nor I really drink. I might have the odd glass of wine out with friends, but I have never really drunk alcohol on my own or had it in the house, and my husband doesn’t drink AT ALL, though he does put rum in Xmas cakes. I think I am like this partly because there is alcoholism in my family.
I haven’t had a lot of pressure from my friends to drink, but I know what you mean, it is everywhere, I think in Europe even more than in North America. No one should feel like they have to give a reason why they don’t want alcohol as it is no one else’s business, but I know they do. Anyway, all the best to you.
I know it’s not much of a platitude coming from someone who has never had to struggle with alcohol, but you are most certainly not alone in writing sober, and I want to echo the others who have said that it in no way invalidates your creativity. I also have epilepsy, which is a major factor in my not drinking. Even without ever having drunk much, or without having an alcohol problem, I still experience those moments where it feels as though I’m on the outside of a club looking in, with how much a part of other people’s lives drinking seems to be. I’ve also known several people with alcohol problems, and I have seen first hand how hard they found it to cope with, and how difficult it was for them to keep trying after they had “just one” drink. I can only admire you for continuing to fight to stay sober.
I religiously drink tea when I write. I find it soothing (I mix black tea with green/herbal), and the routine of making it helps to get me into a writing space. Obviously it’s a little different because that’s all I’ve ever really drunk, but my reward to myself when I’m doing well is to buy slightly more expensive/exotic teas, and drink them out of a super posh teapot, with a cup and saucer and shit. I get to act all suave and sophisticated. Maybe with fancy cakes or biscuits (I’m in the UK) or something. There are plenty of other ways to celebrate writerly milestones/successes, and for me, turning them into a big old fancy thing that looks awesome and is totally not wine is my way of putting two fingers up at the people who think that the only way to celebrate is with alcohol. Because you’re right. There is something really unhealthy with this perception that true creativity isn’t something you can have without a mind-altering substance. Creativity is something that’s inside you the whole time, and I’m certainly going to be more mindful of challenging that automatic assumption people have in future.
You are so great and real, and I’m sorry you’re having a hard time. Also adding three thumbs up for the First Time books, which I read in the space of 24 hours. They were brilliant. I appreciate you and I’m glad you’re among the important internet voices sharing these issues.
If I don’t feel like drinking, I just say I don’t want to mix it with my allergy meds. I DO take allergy meds, but not all the time…and it’s none of their damned business whether I took them recently or not.
As someone who is more often a host at dinner parties than a guest, this really makes me think about how I take care of people at my dinner parties. I know it’s a totally different thing to be around people on a three-day drinking spree than one evening, but as a host, a dry evening isn’t going to ruin anything for me. There’s plenty of non-alcoholic nice beverages that go great with food – sparkling water, flavoured tonic water, fancypants dry sodas, grown-up pink lemonade – and I’d rather have some of that with a guest than make them suffer through watching others drink if it’s going to be really hard for them. My own brother doesn’t drink at all, but he’s just never liked alcohol vs. having problems with it, so I’m pretty used to making sure there’s something nice for him to enjoy but I’m never worried that he’s being left out. So, thanks for your honesty about how much alcohol makes you suffer. It’s something I’ll keep in mind when hosting people who don’t drink.
The whole alcohol culture is fucked up. I decided when I was maybe twelve that I would never drink. And I havn’t. Maybe someday I’ll change my mind, but at this point it’s just not going to happen. And yet a lot of people can’t accept that. I’ve had my PARENTS say stuff like “oh, but of course you’ll get drunk at a party sometime, you’re a student, it’s what students do…” Really? You look at me like I’m still your little girl in pretty much every other way, but you can’t see me not drinking as a good thing?
YES to this! I came from a heavily religious yet alcohol saturated culture and I got the same thing. I had a rather controlling family yet it was assumed that I would drink because that’s what young people do. When I didn’t go that route, because I had better plans for my life, people were perturbed and in some cases would get outright hostile about it. Where I hailed from, drinking parties were part of the means by which young people were socialized into their proper gender roles and had their “values” and religious beliefs reinforced. You had your “fun” and then you were expected to marry a local boy, pop out lots of kids, be super conservative, but oh, you could “cut loose” sometimes. My parents were practically encouraging me to go out and drink (as long as I didn’t drive) and to this day they still hold this odd belief that once I was in college I did the party and bar thing and got drunk even though I won’t “admit” to it. How can one “admit” to what one didn’t do? Honestly, you aren’t missing out on anything by not drinking. And, yes, fuck alcohol culture.
Thank you for writing about this so honestly!
I drink occasionally, but whenever I wanted or had to stay sober, I made sure to have something (non-alcoholic) to drink with me, order virgin cocktails or alcohol free beer. Maybe I have unobservant friends, but most of the time they wouldn’t have noticed it if it hadn’t come up in conversation for another reason (“I went to the doctor yesterday and….” “Saturday? I partied a bit too hard, so I’m taking a break today.”, etc).
That way I didn’t feel excluded from the toasting and socialness and if someone offered me something I could just show my drink and say I’m fine.
Beautifully rendered. I am in turns exasperated and sad when alcohol consumption is romanticized when it comes to writing and creating. It’s almost as bad as the whole poverty and “suffering for one’s art” thing. I wish I could send both into the same portal to hell that coughed out the Shitty Shades books into our world. I don’t drink either and its nice to know there’s others out there who don’t buy into that image and who can criticize it in such a compassionate and thoughtful way. Thank you for writing this piece.
I am a regular smoker of weed (I vape rather than smoke, actually) but I rarely drink. I live in CO so both are perfectly legal, and the stoner stigma is definitely less prevalent here. Still, I imagine more people would be surprised to know that I’m a “stoner.” Weed helps me sleep well, keeps my anxiety at manageable levels, and generally makes me feel more open and accepting of both other people and, most importantly, myself.
That said, I’m surrounded by a lot of “Mommy needs a drink” types who are super into yoga and kale and non-GMOs but regularly go on and on about wine like it’s their second husband. I told one of these women that I preferred weed and she looked absolutely appalled. (this is also a woman who said said that giving “artificial colors and flavors” to her child would be like “giving them a joint.) I suspect this woman would also look down upon anyone who was a heavy drinker of beer or whiskey, but since wine is her vice, she likes to hide behind it’s health-benefits and classiness-factor.
Meanwhile, I have a bottle of wine in my fridge, 1/3rd gone, that’s been there for a couple of months.
So? If it is that much of a struggle (and it would be to any newly sober person) then you need to pull a JK Rowling-circa-2000 and take a hiatus. Your health is number one. You can’t have the creative writer author identity if you’re dead. And your family and friends will be pissed with you if you die. You as a person are more important than your talent and your books. I’m an internet stranger who loves reading your work. I can wait.
Not everyone can put their life on hold just like that to deal with something. Bills still need to be paid; mouths need to be fed.
That’s a good point. Thank you for reminding me.
And to writers who are alcoholics, the unintentional message is that because we don’t write drunk and edit sober, we’re not legitimate creators.
I have literally never once, in my entire life, read a book and then decided if the author wasn’t drunk when they wrote it, they were not a “legitimate creator.” I’m reading 11/22/63 by Stephen King right now, and I don’t care if he was drunk or sober when he wrote it — the question literally never entered my head — it is a fucking awesome, engaging and intelligent book.
I’m planning to read Blood Meridian by Cormac McCarthy next, and guess what? Judging it on whether or not he drank while he wrote is again not going to come up, because that has absolutely no bearing on my estimation of the book’s craftsmanship.
Come to think of it, I researched and wrote most of my dissertation cold sober, but when it came time to edit and revise, I was either drunk or, towards the end, delirious from a sinus infection. Now I’m afraid to look at it.
“Alcoholics Anonymous will tell you to change your habits and to not be around people who drink. But who are these people?”
This right here, this is what I’ve observed to be the hardest part of getting and staying sober for the people I care about. Not only who are these people who don’t drink, but where are they? Trying to find people whose company you enjoy and who also don’t depend on alcohol as the reason to get together can be nearly impossible, especially for young adults without children.
People are so pushy and weird about alcohol. I didn’t start (enjoying) social drinking until I went abroad to London for a year; before that I didn’t really have the taste or desire for it. Especially after a few of my “friends” tricked me into taking shots while they took shots of WATER. Their reasoning was, “You never get drunk /enough/!” It makes my blood boil now just thinking about it. Sorry if I like to remain conscious and skip dancing naked on tables!
These are the same people who side eye me now for weed. /kanyeshrug
This. Yup, dang, do people talk about drinking a lot. I know I’m overly sensitive to it right now (passed 90 days recently), but sheeeeesh.
I make my living as a writer, but because I work alone and self-publish, I wouldn’t really know if other writers are like this. Basically, everything I know about the publishing world comes from you. (So I’m expecting that when I go mainstream, I’ll get some freaking $300 face cream given to me. 😛 ) But yeah, now I have one more reason to fear the day I get noticed, lol. :-/
Congrats on 90 days! You’re amazing.
It’s not just writers… I think a lot of creative professionals struggle with socialization via alcohol and creating under the influence. My field of study was architecture and substance abuse was quite prevalent and accepted in those circles. Also, I’ve been noticing a lot of drinking in popular culture. We’ve been watching Damages on Netflix and man those people drink more than the mobsters on a Mexican telenovela. Anyway, none of that helps, but I’m wishing you the best of luck!
Possibly at science fiction conventions? I mean, I know there *are* drunk people there, but there also seem to be plenty of people who are places other than the bar or the room parties.
I’m also now wondering how this is related to the culture of mental illness around writing, because there’s also a heavy dose of “you have to be horribly depressed to be creative” that gets passed around, which also strikes me as somewhat unhealthy and having a similar attitude towards it.
“Sometimes, living with an alcoholic means enabling to minimize the potential damage. Sad but true.”
Thank you for sharing your story, but especially for this, because you just clarified for me something I couldn’t parse between a close friend and their parent. I wish it could be different, but at least I understand the truth now. 🙁
I don’t really drink. I have bad reflux problems and even a little wrecks my stomach. It’s not really a fun experience. Occasionally I will share a good beer with my husband, but that is about as far as it gets. I also come from a family that has Problems when it comes to alcohol. I really, really respect you for being able to recognize your problem. I have never, ever in my life known anyone who was willing to face that they have a problem.
I totally understand the feeling of being left out. It seems like you can’t be considered an adult without drinking. I went to visit friends for the first time in a while and at first, they literally didn’t know what to do if it didn’t involve drinking. Everyone I know talks about drinking a bottle of wine after work or getting rid of the kids so that they can get sloshed. I thought that kind of behavior would taper off as I got older, but at 32, I can see that it only seems to get worse.
Hm. I don’t drink, and I have almost no friends.
Wonder if there’s a connection there.
It’s enlightening to hear about the struggle of addiction. I don’t drink, but it’s always been by choice and I’ve never been a fan of alcohol, so I’ve never had to fight myself on the issue of whether I should just have one. Other people, though, yeah. Most of my friends are down with it by now, but go to a party with a bunch of new people? They act like you’ve personally offended them if you don’t drink. It’s really weird.
I’ve never been much of a drinker and I’m a writer. I have a drink every once in a while when I’m in the mood, but it’s rare. I do notice the preoccupation people have with alcohol, though. I just find it so strange. I’ve been drunk enough to be sick and have a hangover a couple times in my life and it wasn’t enjoyable. I have no desire to experience that again ever.
I was at my high school reunion Saturday night and only drank water. Most everyone around me was drinking alcohol, but I’m used to that. I don’t care. I sometimes feel like I need to have something in my hands, but a glass of water (or soda if that’s your thing) works just as well as anything else.
Funny thing is, I only have a couple people in my life who notice or care how much I drink and those people are pretty serious alcoholics (though they don’t think they are. They think they’re normal and I’m “boring.”).
I guess if you have an actual addiction, though, it’s really tough. I think, though, that it gets easier over time. My uncle has been sober for about 30 years and he seems to not feel bothered around others drinking. I think it bothered him early on, though.
I’m a non-drinker in theatre, a rare bird. Not because I stopped; I never started, I don’t like alcohol. So I can’t even begin to understand the need, but I completely understand the left out. Because, also? I don’t drink coffee. No matter your profession/hobby/whatever, try being anyone who doesn’t drink coffee or booze and people fucking give you a hard time, especially if you can’t say, “I quit,” or, “I have an allergy,” or maybe I’m wrong to expect at least most people could try to respect that choice.
I appreciate knowing that Penn Jillette, who is in other ways a heck of a kinky fucker (a statement I mean in the best possible way) abstains from alcohol. I like knowing that Penn doesn’t drink, as it’s probably the one thing I have in common with someone so otherwise badass.
So, I don’t understand, but I stand with you. Can we bring back soda fountains?
I totally get that situation, same for me. It’s a mixture of “don’t like the taste” and “grave physical consequences” in my case. But being around “”adults”” when you don’t want alcohol or coffee? Man, that can be a challenge.
It’s interesting how many people on here have pretended to have a drink. I know more people who have been drinking and pretended it was not alcohol.
All three of my parents are alcoholics and I think only one actually does not consume alcohol. I was really scared of alcohol , thinking I would be thrown into the abyss, but I have been able to act like a nice social person and use it (mostly) like I am supposed to. Sometimes I like to have a drink with my dinner or when I look at dog pictures on facebook. My kids think they are funny and joke on occasion, ‘typical mom, drinking again (eyeroll)’ . Once I was getting hurt by this and I said to my daughter that I thought I was doing ok considering my parents are all alcoholics and I’m actually really sensitive. She was shocked, but she hasn’t bugged me since which is nice.
I had the weirdest alcohol experience, kind of work related. I am from Canada and visited my company’s office in China. They really wanted to impress us and fed us food they thought was fantastic. One night we went to a fancy restaurant with a round table that seated probably 20 people. I had to sit to the left of the Chinese boss and my boss sat on his other side, which I expect was an honour but it also meant i was his toasting partner for this drinking game they have with a fiery substance they call Bajo (spelling?) I guess it is supposed to be about 50% and everyone has a little pitcher of it and a teeny shotglass. So you need to ‘bottoms up’ on the first round and they toast to EVERYTHING. For success in the coming year OOOHHH! bottoms up! For financial prosperity OOOHHHH! bottoms up! Good health! YEAHHHH! and it goes on and on. Apparently the goal is to have somebody sign a contract for a business dealing when the guy is wasted. Anyway, this boss-guy was toasted and i was ok – I mean I was definitely intoxicated but I was functional for walking and talking.
Everyone EVERYONE was talking about how much I could drink and the next day I was asked, “do you normally drink a lot” by someone that was not even there. At lunch the next day different people were joking about giving me Bajo again. OMG, I was so confused. What was I supposed to do? Should I have ‘given up’? Should I have thrown up on my host’s feet? I think I could have skipped it by playing the girl card, but the guys would not have the same easy out. I like that my job (normally) does not engage in peer pressure for alcohol, but this was intense.
Alcoholism is on both sides of my family. I can’t have a glass of wine without agonising over it. I can’t imagine the issues that come with being an alcoholic, or having an alcohol dependency. But know that there are people who will support you, and that you aren’t failing for having had a backslide.
That sucks. I have zero experience with the writer part of it, but I’m someone who just plain refused to *start* drinking. I’m twenty-three, and I had… maybe a sip of mead at a Ren Faire, and another sip of beer-cola out of curiosity, in my *life*. I don’t want to start drinking for the plain reason that I’ve never drunk before, and you can’t miss what you’ve never had, and because I don’t want to take the risk that I won’t be able to control myself.
I haven’t been *tempted* to drink, but it does mean I’ve felt left out of a shitton of stuff. It turns out most of the “student life craziness and fun” people talk about is really just alcohol. And it’s so, so true what you said about it just not being fun when you’re the only sober person around. And the culture-wide obsession with alcohol is just frustrating. There are SO MANY groups of people who shouldn’t be drinking, either health-wise or legality-wise: teenagers, pregnant people, people on certain kinds of medication, people with liver-related health conditions, people who are prone to not being able to control their intake. It’s really sad that, as a culture, we’re completely unwilling to accommodate them.
This is actually really concerning to hear, and now that I think about it, I realize how much alcohol is mentioned in writing circles. Since my interaction with them has always been online, I’d never noticed before, but now I’m a bit worried–as a non-drinker (I mean I’m underage to begin with, but I don’t plan on ever tasting alcohol) and aspiring writer I think this career path is going to be tough sometimes.
I totally sympathize with this – law school is another environment with a very alcohol-heavy culture. It’s hard enough to deal with as someone whose non-drinking status is essentially voluntary – I can’t even imagine how awful it must be for someone who struggles with alcohalism.
I’ve read work where the author admited to drinking while writing the work, and let me tell you it showed. If she edited at all, it wasn’t sober because what ended up getting self-published was a hot mess that she should have really really picked apart and rethought.
I do not, and nor have I ever thought that to be a legitimate writer you must be under the influence of anything while doing so. Some people can do it, but some people really shouldn’t, and in the end it’s more a matter of if the person has the skill to do it either way.
The only recent times in my life I have been able to drink like “oh, this tastes good let me have one maybe two and stop there” were while I was also smoking up on a regular basis. I had a few years where I *wasn’t* smoking and I was basically a social alcoholic–wouldn’t keep it at home, but if I didn’t have to buy my own and I was around people who were drinking I was very bad at knowing when to say when. Like go to work the day after hungover as fuck and throw up all morning and have to go home early bad.
And the last time I had any alcohol (one margarita, no clue how much booze was in it, with a super-late supper) I missed taking my evening meds because I apparently have no tolerance any more and was still feeling too drunk to safely take them before I fell asleep. (I can practically smoke up *while* taking meds, no problem.) Add a family history of alcohol issues and it’s starting to look like I’m going to have to be even more careful about my occasional drinking than I have been.
I basically do not do bars any more unless it’s to see a live show or something similar, because yeah on all the stuff about being the only sober person in a crowd of drunk people. And just tonight my friend’s sister was all “Do you not drink at all? Not wine or anything?” while the three of us were hanging out. (She didn’t try to pressure me once I explained a little and she’s seen me drink a while back just not since she moved back to the city I live in, so sort of understandable, but still….)
On the social pressure to drink: this was *years* ago but I can still remember what a pain it was to convince at least one random dude wanting to buy me a drink that no, I did not want one with alcohol in it. And that was a random dude, not my friends/family/co-workers/people I actually have to deal with on a regular basis.
Much respect to all of you fighting to stay sober, and virtual hugs for you if you want them.
I just wanted to offer my support – I’m a recovering alcoholic and it does get easier. I completely understand everything you said, I sobered up from a community which drank and drugged like it kept them living and even now, it’s tricky – I just started college at 17 and all my friends are hitting their legal drinking ages so it’s tough. But sobriety for me has shown to be so, so worth it.
When I first got sober, my life was pretty messy and alcohol and drugs helped me cope but now everything’s calmed down a lot, mostly because when I’m not drinking I’m much more stable (I’m diagnosed with borderline personality disorder and I was fucking crazy 99% of the time – mixing my meds with alcohol REALLY didn’t help). Alcohol culture and the pressure to drink because it meant you were one of the “cool kids” fucked me up even more.
But now, thanks to all the incredible people and things which have happened, I’m 15 months sober! It gets so much easier and you start to intuitively know how to handle the situations which used to baffle you. Good luck Jenny, I love your blog and I love your work.
Oh man, I feel weird commenting on this poat again. It’s already like 6 months old.
I’m a member of AA, and most of my friends who don’t drink are from there, or my rehab. I do spend time with people who drink, just when I’m not around. The other night I went to my first social gathering where people drank, and I had tons of fun without drinking – because I had done so much work on getting myself to a headspace where I could be comfortable with those people while sober.
A lot of people drink, and I make my boundaries REALLY clear with my friends very early (and if someone can’t handle that I’m in recovery, they probably can’t handle much else about me so I’m okay with weeding those people out early). But all the wonderful women I’ve met in AA are still my genuine friends, and some of the best ones I’ve ever had because they GET the nature of my addiction.
Admittedly, my experience and philosophy won’t work for everyone – but those are my two cents on the matter.