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I’m a disaster. Ask me how.

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Obviously, I’m in no position to give anybody advice.

But I want to.

If you would like advice from someone who, until the age of twenty-five, believed that jackalopes were a real animal and they used their antlers for digging, please leave your questions here and I will answer these questions in blog posts. You might even get useable advice. A man named Gene said that I’m insightful. And he has a moustache, so… he’s a little bit better than you.

You can ask me advice on anything. Writing stuff. Relationships. Misunderstandings. Whether that guy at work is from Switzerland or not because you’re too afraid to ask him yourself. I’ll give you some kind of answer. Don’t ask me legal or medical stuff. I won’t answer legal or medical stuff because I love not being in jail. Not being in jail is my favorite part of the day.

Send me your questions, but again, I must stress, you are asking someone whose entire strategy for success on Naked and Afraid is to “dig a hole and get in it.” I’m not a professional at anything. I’m just nosey and looking to give my life a little pizzazz with your personal business.

I would rather shit out my own skeleton than read anymore Bridgerton body-positivity discourse, and I encourage you to shit out your own skeleton, too.

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It’s all over social media. Well, depending on which social media you choose, and what the algorithm shows you. But as someone who a) follows a lot of romance authors and b) does react videos of Bridgerton on YouTube, I’m currently inundated with Bridgerton content. And that’s fine, because I’m full-on trash for anything Shondaland, it seems. But with season three’s debut came a storm of weird opinions on actress Nicola Coughlan’s body and her character’s arc in the series. And almost all of those opinions make me want to eject my entire skeleton from my body via my anus so that it may run off to the woods to live amongst the Bone People.

A war is breaking out between two factions: mostly thin, cis women who think their hot takes on what is and is not realistic for a person who looks like Penelope Featherington to expect with regard to romance aren’t the result of their deeply poisoned self-esteem, and mostly upper-straight-sized and small-fat cis women screaming at them about the liberation of finally seeing fat representation in on-screen romance.

I want to load both sides into one of those padlocked carts from fantasy movies set in the nebulous middle ages and leave them in the forest to be plucked apart by the Bone People.

Travel with me, dear reader, back to the long-ago days of the 1990s. A time when Saturday Night Live lampooned all-star snitch Linda Tripp by casting John Goodman to portray her. Tripp wasn’t fat or plus-sized. She was tall, busty, jawless, and wore unfortunate shoulder pads. But to a world in which heroin-fueled starvation had recently become the mainstream weight loss goal, Tripp was so grotesque that she had to be depicted by a famously fat man constantly eating on screen.

There’s a whole lot to say about thinness, perceived femininity, and how violently racist and anti-trans our inability to view fat women as women is, but forgive me for not diving into that here.

I was a teenager during the 1990s. Every late night talk show host joked about Monica Lewinsky’s fatness. People marveled that the most powerful man in the world wanted to fuck a fat chick. I ask you now to take a moment and google a photo of Monica Lewinsky in the 1990s. Need I say more?

As a teenager desperately trying to fit the mold of femininity and constantly believing I was doing womanhood “wrong” (questioning one’s gender was not an option for Catholic school girls), I latched onto the one fat woman who wasn’t derided by the media. The one fat woman who was celebrated for her curves and her uncompromising stance on not dieting down to a size 00. Our beacon for fat representation…

Kate Winslet.

If you weren’t there when it was happening, I cannot impress upon you enough how totally fucked up the 1990s were with regards to weight. When Titanic premiered, director James Cameron had a lot to say in print media about how his first choices to play Rose were rail-thin actresses like Gwyneth Paltrow and Claire Danes. There were rumors that he gave Winslet the cruel on-set nickname “Kate Weighs-a-lot.” People debated whether Winslet’s unacceptable bulk was the reason poor Leo couldn’t fit on the door. Others praised the actress’s “bravery” for her famous nude scene, presumably because no one so hideously obese had ever before dared to impose such a gargantuan pile of disgusting fat onto audiences before.

And women were inundated with these takes because Titanic was, above all else, a romance. And it was a romance in which two handsome men fought over this heroine that the media and the director of the film insisted was a hippo barely squeezed into a corset via a complex and dangerous system of industrial machinery.

This is the part where I ask you to look up a picture of Kate Winslet in Titanic. It’s also the part where I implore the universe to make Kate Winslet look up a picture of herself in Titanic, since she once famously described herself as having a “fat ass” in the movie.

Every single girl I knew, regardless of body type, latched onto Kate Winslet as their emblem of beauty and self-confidence. After all, if someone so disturbingly, gruesomely fat could portray an object of desire to two Hollywood-beautiful men, there was hope for us.

This is exactly the fucking weird discourse that’s playing out on social media at the moment. Nicola Coughlan is rapidly becoming a fat representation icon, despite being fat by Hollywood standards only. Coughlan is short, busty, and has a chubby face. But she’s still a UK size ten, well below what the commercial fashion industry shunts into the realm of plus-sized. Beside her female Bridgerton co-stars she looks undeniably larger, but are we truly defining “anybody larger than Phoebe Dynevor” as plus-sized or fat now?

If that’s where we’re headed, fine. Living in the forest with the Bone People it is, then.

“She looks like me!” women who have never had nutrition pamphlets shoved into their hands in lieu of medical treatment are crowing. “If she, this woman who dares to have a round face and short neck and still appear in public, can find love, surely I can!” By leaning hard into the “Nicola Coughlan is fat” discourse, they feel better about themselves. And their empowerment, of course, is paramount.

Meanwhile, millions of people who are actually fat are seeing this play out and making jerk-off motions so rapid and with such fervor they will eventually require carpal tunnel surgery. Or, if they struggle with accepting their bodies, what they’re thinking is, “If Nicola Coughlan is fat enough that we’re debating whether or not it’s realistic for her to be loved, then I am irredeemable. If Penelope Featherington is the upper-limit of acceptability for love (and even that is in debate) then I deserve none.”

Even I, as cynical as I am, fell into this trap for a little while. Still bearing the neurological scars from the decade in which Jane Krakowski was cast as the inspirationally self-confident fat girl on Ally McBeal, I, too, was fooled into believing that Coughlan’s amazing rack and short stature somehow affirmed that I was not, in fact, failing at femininity by being fat, even years after I stopped lying to myself about being a cis woman. And once I realized that what I was experiencing was gender dysphoria, not empowerment, I saw clearly how many people have been duped into seeing Nicola Coughlan as a fat icon. And I remembered how destructive this narrative is, and how thoroughly it victimized young women for over a decade.

It’s very easy to ignore thin people and their discomfort with allegedly plus-sized bodies on screen. But it’s more difficult to block out the voices of those who are supposed to be “on your side.” So, when those thin voices are screaming that a person who isn’t fat by any real-world definition is too large to realistically receive love, the answer is not to scream back, “Fat people deserve love, too!” but, “Do you need to borrow my glasses? Would you like my therapist’s phone number? Can I interest you in shutting the fuck up at all?”

Coughlan has herself leaned into the notion that she’s providing body positive representation, and I can understand that. She would be considered a plus-sized actress even if she were taller; look at Christina Hendricks, Hannah Waddingham, and Gwendoline Christie, all of whom bear the horrible curse of having breasts. Anything over a b-cup seems to shunt you right onto the fat list, no matter how tiny your waist can be cinched for the red carpet. Round cheeks to boot? Ask Melanie Lynskey how that shakes out at a casting call. Coughlan’s comments make perfect sense to me, because they’re being made in the context of being filmed beside women who share at least forty-percent of their DNA with literal god damn swans.

So, while I can understand Coughlan’s perception of her body and how her intimate scenes in Bridgerton empowered her, I cannot accept the public perception that her body somehow empowers “plus-sized” women. It’s as absurd and harmful as the 2010s insistence on making Jennifer Lawrence a body-positive hero. It states unequivocally to anyone who can’t shop straight sizes that they are as disgusting and undeserving of love as they’re constantly told they are. And it drags us right back into a world where we allow visual media to dictate who qualifies as human and who becomes a joke, a world that I had, perhaps naively, thought was changing.

Meanwhile, in the middle of this discourse, South Park premiered the special The End of Obesity, which skewered the double standards of a healthcare system that views obesity as a disease, but the cure as a luxury. Throughout the episode, people who can’t afford Ozempic are prescribed “Lizzo” instead, poking fun at the very idea that simply seeing fat people represented in media will “cure” our cultural obsession with weight. At the end of the special, South Park takes aim at itself for contributing to the villainization of fat people and vows to change its ways.

We have reached an incredibly sad and frustrating day, indeed, when South Park of all franchises is doing fatness discourse correctly, but the “body positive” movement cannot. And maybe that’s because South Park doesn’t feel it owes a debt to its audience the way media packaged specifically for women does. The End of Obesity doesn’t try to convince its audience that they’re empowered by its message. It simply says, “We fucked up, and we see now that all of this is fucked up.”

And in the end, that’s the only proper response to anyone claiming Nicola Coughlan’s Penelope Featherington is giving fat representation: it’s fucked up. It’s episode 56,309 of a terrible show called As Long As Women Who Aren’t Fat But Don’t Think They’re Fuckable Feel Fuckable For A Couple Weeks Until It All Comes Crashing Down Again, All This Permanent Collateral Damage Is Worth It.

I would rather shit out my skeleton, thanks.

(Jenny’s Version)

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Last week, I got an email from Harlequin’s rights division informing me of the decision made in the review I requested on some of my titles. After months of waiting for this decision, I am proud to say that I now own the first book I ever wrote, Blood Ties Book One: The Turning as well as the subsequent titles in that series.

Twenty years after I sold that manuscript, it belongs to me again. I can re-release it, with changes to lines I grew to hate (I’ve already cut “masticating emptiness” and even a “save for”). I can fix an offensive racial trope. I can tighten things, expand things, I can change what I want and hell, even keep on writing that series if I feel like it. Dr. Carrie Ames, Nathan Grant, Cyrus, Ziggy, The Soul Eater, Dahlia, Max, Bella, Bill, all of them are my dolls to play with, in whatever dollhouse I like.

And over a decade after my identity as an author was usurped, people will read these books and know that I wrote them. I’m the writer of the Blood Ties series.

Getting these rights back heals me in a way I didn’t expect. I’m not cut off from that part of my career anymore. Blood Ties isn’t my past anymore. It’s my present. As long as I hang onto it, it can be my always. These books aren’t from when I was a writer. I’m still a writer.

I didn’t even realize I was feeling that way, until I read that reversion letter. But in my mind, there was an invisible line drawn between when I was an author and the time period in which I stubbornly persisted in my delusion that I was an author long after I’d been proven a fraud.

The weird thing is how unceremonious it was. Just an email with a .PDF attachment listing the titles, with some legal verbiage about licensed artwork and trademarks. Someone hammered it out on a Monday and emailed it at close of day. Maybe it was the last thing on their to-do list. They’re never going to think about it again. But it’s made such an enormous change in my world. It’s alleviated imposter syndrome I didn’t realize was still plaguing me. And it’s made me feel like a real author again. Which is funny, because while I’m proud to be an indie author and in control of my career (let’s face it, New York publishing wouldn’t be able to keep up with my release schedule), there was still a part of me that felt like an unwelcome guest in writing because I’d been traditionally published and then politely shown the door.

Sometimes, you can’t identify a problem until it’s fixed, I guess.

Right now, I’m having a ball revising and updating these books. At first, I thought I’d just need to clean up the cringe word choices, but there will be major updates to the text. If you love the original series, hang onto your copies, because this is going to feel more like a reboot than a re-release. Major changes are coming for the characters of Ziggy and Clarence, and I’m bringing the entire story forward in time, which will require me to adjust things like Carrie needing to “fire up the modem” and print driving directions from the internet. I’d love to keep everyone abreast of these changes, but I also don’t want to spoil anything for those who haven’t read the books or who don’t want spoilers about the new versions, so that stuff will come in later posts.

Right now, Blood Ties Book One: The Turning (Jenny’s Version) is heading for a September 2024 release in ebook and hardcover. Other details about the release will be fine-tuned over the summer. Which I am calling my Summer of the Vampire, because I’m also steadily working on a theatrical adaptation of Dracula as a side project.

Prepare for me to be insufferable, is what I’m saying.

State of the Trout: Surgery, The Great Facebook Fuck-up, Donations, and a New Video

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First of all, I survived surgery! I wasn’t concerned that I wouldn’t, but I have what people around me describe as “the worst luck.” Which is kind of weird, because I’m always like, “I’m so lucky, I’m such a lucky person.” I guess I never counted the bad luck. Which doesn’t make me wrong, just slightly less optimistic.

The surgery didn’t go exactly how I expected, but I’m waiting to speak to my surgeon about that at a follow-up appointment because my experience was definitely one of those “I wanted to tell you first” kind of things. I did have to return to the hospital via ambulance that night, but I’m doing super okay now, and even did some writing. For example, the review of Poor Things I’ll be posting later this week. Spoiler: if you really love that movie with all your heart and soul, skip my review.

I also hope to post the letter I’m currently working on to send to the governors of Michigan and California, as well as their AGs. I still have only received one response from the lawmakers I originally contacted.

I cannot thank you all enough for the donations I’ve received to help keep us afloat while we navigate all of this. While my credit union overturned the fraud claims, the donations helped me to pay half my surgical co-pay, and my surgery wasn’t delayed while waiting for the credit union to make their decision and return the money to my account. PayPal, however, deemed the massive transaction taken through their service valid. After all, I’ve paid for ads with Facebook in the past, right? If I was willing to pay $25 once or twice a year, I would clearly be interested in paying thousands in a single transaction. My next hurdle is convincing them that my bank finding fraud just might be a sign that fraud was indeed committed, but as the funds were taken via ACH and not a debit card, my credit union feels my beef is with PayPal on that one.

I cannot stress enough that no one should be using Facebook ads or Facebook marketplace. A few people have told me that they only use their credit card, so if fraud is committed, they’re protected. But you’re not protected from hacks, and I believe these people are only targeting users who are active on marketplace or who are running ads.

I’ve had a few questions, comments, and concerns about the donations that I would like to address, however:

“I really wish I could afford to help.” Well, I really wish you were in better financial circumstances, too, but not because I want your money. I want you to not be worried about money. I would feel wretched if someone gave me something they didn’t have to give. The fact that you care is donation enough. Not all support is monetary. Do you read this blog? Do you like being on the Discord talking to people? Does your day feel cooler if you read something I post? That’s helping. Don’t ever feel bad if you can’t just hand me money. Don’t feel bad if you can’t be a Patron or buy my books. I’m glad you’re here. But if you wanted to do a little bit extra in a non-monetary way and you can, it would be awesome if you’d contact your local lawmakers about how Facebook uses their lax security to rob paying customers, or tell people you know that they could be in danger by using Facebook ads and marketplace.

“If you had thousands of dollars in the first place, you don’t need help.” I definitely am better off than I was when I was on food stamps, and I know how lucky I am that I got out of that cycle. But I’m not one of those rich indie authors. There are probably five of those. Without getting too into detail about my personal finances, my business account doesn’t receive weekly paychecks. I get paid once a month from some retailers, and sometimes the checks are as small as $12.00. There are quarterly royalties from my backlists and the occasional advance from a serialized platform. I pay myself a salary from the business, and I can only pay myself what the business can afford. My work requires investment: stock art and covers, editing, advertising, payroll service, website and domain fees, software subscriptions (why the fuck did everything become a god damn subscription?!), office supplies, travel (I have signing events coming up this year), postage, I even have to pay into unemployment despite being a sole proprietor, in case I fire myself someday. When I say “thousands,” what I mean is, “around six months worth of operating expenses and my salary, to be budgeted and rationed out.” Not “my vast disposable income.”

“I tried to donate, but Ko-Fi didn’t accept my payment.” Those of you who have come to me to tell me this already have this answer, but in case it comes up again: I’m not sure why Ko-Fi would reject your payment. Ko-Fi’s advice was to check with your bank or credit card people to see why the payment failed. And even if you’re like, eh, too much work, look. Your heart was in it. And I appreciate it. See item one on this list.

“If you get all your money back, what will you use the donations for?” Ultimately, I’d like to file a civil suit against Facebook. There are a few obstacles in the way, but I’ve already started my research. I don’t think I’m going to Erin Brockovich this thing; I know I won’t win, but it’s worth it to waste their time and money and hopefully raise more awareness of the problem. Every single person I spoke to at my credit union, from the fraud department to the local branch employees, said that this is a widespread issue they are very familiar with. How this has continued on is mindblowing.

In other news, as I’m slowly getting back to work, I was able to edit and post a new episode of Jealous Haters AV Club! I had filmed this before my surgery, but didn’t get a chance to caption and post it. It’s here, it’s infuriating, but the bonus is that you get to see me struggle with my speech impediment for like two minutes.

I’d love to be able to get the next Bridgerton and Buffy reacts up soon, but it’s only been a week and sitting up is still surprisingly painful after a little bit. I kinda expected I would be in bed for a couple days and then right back to normal. But that is because I am always delusional about my healing abilities. I straight up believe that I’m Wolverine.

My daughter and I also plan to do a special edition Jealous Haters AV Club installment on Ice Breaker, something that I suggested to contain and somewhat stem the flow of her pure hatred. I was like, “Why not save up this anger that’s constantly spewing out of you and we’ll make a video and you can tell like a thousand people how much you think this book sucks?” There is no ire like that of a teen reader who bought into hype and regretted it.

So, there’s stuff coming up, but slowly. Thanks for sticking with me!

The Great Facebook Fuck Up, part 3: Meta Platforms directly profits from hacks

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Since my Facebook was hacked last week, I’ve spent a lot of time looking into other people’s stories of being hacked, whether or not their accounts were recovered, and what happened to them. There is a subreddit dedicated to Redditors supporting each other and sharing tips about what happened to them and which solutions were effective. A court filing website, People Clerk, is often recommended as a method to serve letters of intent to Meta Platforms. Since some people have reported success with this method, I gave it a whirl and I’m waiting to hear back. I may be able to sue Meta Platforms in small claims court to recover the money lost in the transaction PayPal deemed “valid.”

One method that is no longer effective? Contacting the office of the California State Attorney General with a consumer complaint against Facebook. In the past, writing to the office has produced hit-or-miss results, until late 2023, when the office began responding to complaints about Meta with a form letter indicating that they are no longer responsible for helping consumers deal with Facebook problems:

Thank you for contacting the Office of the California Attorney General regarding the loss of access to your Meta social media account.
We regret that we cannot provide you with direct assistance in restoring access to your account. Our office is prohibited by law from representing individual consumers in legal matters. We do, within the limits of our resources, bring lawsuits for violations of California law in cases of statewide significance, but we do so as a law enforcement agency, representing the people of the state, rather than on behalf of individual Californians.
We are aware of social media posts stating that Attorney General’s offices can intercede on your behalf with Meta and compel them to reinstate a disabled account, recover a hacked account, or restore access to a lost account. These posts are not authorized by any government agency and do not accurately reflect the role of attorneys general in the handling of consumer complaints.

Which is really an interesting position, considering a) actual identity theft is occuring, b) people are losing all their god damn money, and c) Rob Bonta signed a letter to Meta in March directly addressing these hacks and thefts, which actually profit Meta Platforms. These complaints do not represent “individual consumers,” but a rapidly growing group of victims.

The hackers who stole my money paid it back into Facebook ads. They got into my bank accounts, but Facebook held the door for them and took a cut. If only there was some kind of office, maybe at a state level, that could investigate and prosecute theft perpetrated by businesses registered in that state. But hey, Rob Bonta signed a letter, right?

I’m a nice person. But fuck with my money, and I become intensely persistent. My autism-fueled obsession with fairness and justice wouldn’t let this slide. I put my ability to hyperfocus to work. I scoured Bonta’s past campaign contributions for evidence of Mark Zuckerberg, his wife, the organizations through which they make their political contributions, Meta Platforms, Facebook, and came up with nothing. There doesn’t seem to be a financial or political benefit to letting Meta operate a system of self-enrichment through cyber crime. So, why hasn’t the AG taken action? This is certainly within the purview of the office. Why did it take the initiative of the New York State Attorney General to address this, when Meta Platforms is, I cannot stress this enough, a company registered to do business in the state of California and which is actively engaging in cybercrime?

I wrote a letter of my own to Michigan State Attorney General Dana Nessel (but I’ve redacted specific details here for privacy):

On March 14, 2024, I became the victim of a widespread security flaw on Meta Platform’s Facebook social media service and lost a considerable amount of money. Despite 2factor authentication, my account was accessed and disabled by hackers, with no recourse to appeal. There is no way to contact a Meta representative personally to resolve this issue, as experience by many people in the same situation.

Because I ran business ads on the platform and utilized Facebook marketplace in the past, my financial information was linked to my Facebook account, but I had no way to protect that information once Meta locked me out. I believed that my account had been disabled, and therefore the information was just gone. Having fraud alerts set up on my credit union accounts also put my mind at ease. 

Overnight between March 16 and 17, multiple payments were withdrawn from my business account by Meta Platforms. These transactions were labeled as being used by their ad service. Overnight, four separate charges for [redacted] were made to Meta, as well as a [redacted] charge. Other charges were made on the 15th, for [redacted]. On the 14th, Charges were made for [redacted].

In addition to the charges to my business account, they were also able to access my personal account, and charged [redacted], which finally triggered my credit union’s fraud alert. Another charge was made to my Paypal account for [redacted].

In total, I was robbed of [redacted] Neither my credit union, [redacted], nor Meta Platforms, flagged the suspicious activity until it was far too late to prevent it. An initial email to Meta Platforms received no response.

I am a very small business owner (the approximately [redacted] taken from my business account was the only money my company had). My family relies on my income to survive. We are not rich people. This is a devastating blow. Until and unless the fraudulent charges are removed and refunded, we cannot pay our bills, rent, or feed our children. I have taken steps to secure my bank and paypal accounts (as much as I can, considering I found the fraud on a Sunday.) I have reported the fraudulent transactions to [redacted]’s cardholder services, and to Paypal. In addition, I have filed a report online to the Federal Bureau of Investigation’s IC3 division, and will be filing a report with my local township police department to cover my bases.

I’m enraged at the lack of care taken by Meta Platforms to secure the data of their users, and their flagrant disregard for those who use their services. There is no way to contact Meta in these cases. They do not seem to be required to operate any kind of fraud department to deal with these cases, and, while I have CCed the California State Attorney General, other victims of this crime have been informed that the AG’s office will not longer act on complaints made about Meta. It seems that at this point, Meta Platforms is an enormous publicly traded entity operating without sufficient oversight and without regard for the safety of the data they collect.

The resolutions I’m seeking are as follows:

-The immediate restoration of funds to my accounts.

-An apology from Meta Platforms and the restoration of my original business and personal accounts so that I may retrieve my data and block this from happening in the future. As long as I don’t have access to the account and hackers do, there is no way for me to remove my banking information from their service.

-A warning from the State Attorney General’s Office to be issued to Michigan residents about the use of any of their banking information through any Meta Platforms service, such as Facebook, Facebook Marketplace, Instagram, Threads, et. al., as even a cursory internet search will uncover that this issue is widespread across the United States and receiving no attention whatsoever. Consumers deserve to know, so that they can protect themselves.

-An investigation into the insufficient fraud alert system utilized by [redacted], a financial institution operating out of and registered within the State of Michigan. And an apology from [redacted], because I’m petty and angry.

I am thankful for any and all responses and help I receive. Residents of Michigan–and the United States at large–should be warned of the dangers of using Meta Platforms to carry out any business or personal transactions. They are assured by Meta that their data is secure, but they’re either unaware of these issues (due to inaccessible “customer service”) or they simply believe they can lie to consumers and get away with it.

I CCed this letter to my state and federal representatives and senators. Monday, I received a reply from the Director of Constituent Relations at the office of Representative Rachelle Smit,
Michigan House District 43. After my surgery tomorrow and however much recovery time I need before I can deal with all of this, I’ll update with who has and has not responded. If something goes dramatically wrong and I die, please continue to tell everyone how shitty Meta is.

I also CCed this to local media, as a common thread in all the stories I’ve read online is that people simply do not understand how lax the security is at Meta and how much money they’re making from allowing these hacks to happen. I truly believe that this is not a bug, but a feature. Meta Platforms knows it profits them to allow criminals to steal from their users. There is no financial incentive for them to stop this widespread issue, and government offices pretend they are powerless.

Perhaps that’s because Meta Platforms spent more than $19,000,000 annually on political lobbying.

Please, continue to spread the word to your friends and family to disengage their banking information from all Meta Platforms services. Most people only learn of the danger once it happens to them.

The Great Facebook Fuck Up, Part 2, NOW WITH A DIRE WARNING!

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Hi! I’m Jenny, and I’ll be your cautionary tale for the day.

Last week, my Facebook account was hacked. And like many people who assume that a multi-billion dollar company has literally any safety measures in place to protect their customers, I had my banking information hooked up to those accounts. If you want to sell or buy on Marketplace, you have to give them your credit or debit card info. If you want to buy ads, the only way to do that is through your credit or debit card, or through PayPal. As an author, I obviously used Facebook ads. When my account was disabled, I was unable to remove that information. But frankly, I believed that disabled meant just that: the account was wiped from the Earth and no one was using it.

They were using it. Whoever hacked the account and got it “disabled” spent thousands of dollars on Facebook ads, utilizing my business, personal, and PayPal accounts. I woke on Sunday morning to find a single fraud alert from my bank, flagging one $900.00 transaction. By the time I locked down my cards, though, it was too late, and the contents of my bank account were gone.

While I frantically contacted my bank’s customer service line, my PayPal account was hit for an additional thousand dollars. My bank shut down my cards but, because it was the weekend, I couldn’t dispute any of the transactions yet. I contacted PayPal, who informed me how to remove Meta from the list of automatic payments, but they deemed the transaction made by the scammers valid and they let the charge, which will come out of my now depleted bank account, stand.

The first thing I’m going to tell you all: get your financial information completely disentangled from all Meta Platforms services. Take your account numbers off. Stop running Facebook ads. Take your store off Marketplace. It’s a hassle, it may create hardship in the right now, but trust me, it’s a much hardership when your account is hacked and you lose all of your money in a matter of minutes. If you absolutely must use these services, do so through a credit, not debit card, that has fraud protection. But do not run that card through PayPal to do it, as PayPal does not have fraud protection, regardless of their claims.

Remove all Meta Platforms from your automatic payments on your PayPal account. Make sure when you’re looking through those automatic payments that you remove EVERYTHING marked as Facebook; I found more than one Meta Platforms entry. I encourage you to contact PayPal directly and make them walk you through the steps so it’s done right. Don’t hang up the phone until they can assure you that no Meta-owned platform has access to you. Then, begin the process of transferring payments from PayPal to another service and get rid of PayPal entirely. You can report fraud all you want, but they won’t believe you. You are not protected if you’ve ever used their service one single time with a Meta platform. To them, that’s enough evidence that any transaction, no matter the circumstances, is fully valid, and there is no recourse but legal proceedings.

The second thing I’m going to say is that this is hitting me at a very difficult time. I have surgery in two days. I have no money. I have to pay for the surgery deductible somehow (I’m hoping that I have enough in my husband’s medical savings account) and the copays for the meds they prescribe me afterward (I so do not want to do this recovery without any pain management). My health insurance and car insurance are still fighting over my surgery from last year. I’ve just lost all contact with the readership I built on my Facebook author page over the past decade. While my bank investigates all the fraud claims, I’m at financial crisis level “have we returned all the bottles yet?” If you’ve ever thought to yourself, “One day, I should throw a few bucks Jenny’s way,” or you’re thinking right now, “Gosh, I wish I knew how to help,” there are a few options:

  • Throw a few bucks into my Ko-Fi account. The money will not go to PayPal, but a separate service that has never been linked to any Meta platform. This is the best way to help in the right now, as the funds become immediately available.
  • For a more long-term option, consider signing up for my Patreon or Ream, which is just as appreciated and helpful.
  • You could also consider buying one of my books, written as either Abigail Barnette or Jenny Trout. I don’t get the funds right away, but depending on where you buy from, I’ll receive the money either at the beginning of next month or the month after. And if you’ve been patiently waiting for the paperback version of some of the later Sophie books, the paperback of The Sister just dropped on Amazon.

But listen, not everybody has money to help out. Hey, look, we have so much in common right now! It would still be super helpful if you spread the word to your friends about getting their money away from Meta and PayPal. And maybe say, “Hey, this happened to a really cool author I know. You might like their books or their blog!” and then tell them they can only visit my site or read my books after they protect themselves from Facebook.

You’d think that this would mean the end of me using Facebook. Unfortunately, it’s a necessary evil. Most author events require you to not only have a Facebook page, but use Facebook to join attendee and author groups, and many readers only use Facebook to keep up with authors and new releases. As a result, I do have a new Facebook page for Abigail Barnette. If you were following the old page, please follow the new one, and if you could share my occasional posts there, I would be so, so grateful.

In the meantime, at least I already had gone grocery shopping, and I’ll hopefully feel good enough to check back in on Thursday or Friday to tell you how the surgery went!

The Great Facebook Fuckup of 2024

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Facebook has AMAZING 2-factor authentication. And have I ever praised their customer service? Can’t be beat.

And those lies are why you will no longer find my old accounts on Facebook. This morning, I woke up to find that after multiple password reset requests, hackers were able to take over my count and do god knows what to get it disabled permanently.

Because of their impeccable security bots, I was able to create a new account almost immediately. While I don’t have a page there for Jenny Trout anymore, I do have my Abigail Barnette page up and running again. If you followed me on the old page, you can find the new one here.

The problem now is that besides this blog, Facebook was really the only platform that I could reliably market my books to. I have releases coming up. I’m involved in a Kickstarter. I’ll be going to an event soon. All the readers who would have got that information from the old page are just POOF, gone. And there’s very little crossover between my audience on Facebook and my audience here, meaning I’ve just lost access to about a thousand readers.

Folks, I don’t sell a thousand books anymore. This ain’t 2013. So losing that audience is a devastating blow.

Being an indie author is hard and sucky nearly full time. The only fun part is the writing. But here I am, having to rebuild my readership again. I’m frustrated and angry and really sad. It feels like every time things start to look up, something bashes me down.

It would be great if you could visit the new page and share the post there. Every time it’s shared, there’s a chance a reader I lost contact with might see it. I need readers to keep writing, and this morning it very much feels like this could be the career ender and I am terrified.

Let’s explore Sarah J. Maas’s trademark applications

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The Trout Nation Discord has been positively aflame discussing the recent trademark applications filed by author Sarah J. Maas’s company, Fireheart, inc. (“There’s a Trout Nation Discord?!” you may be asking yourself. Yes, there is, and no, you don’t have to be a Patreon patron to join it).

What is Maas trademarking?

A screen shot of the US Trademark office's website, showing "Velaris" "Feyre" "Throne of Glass" "Illyrian" "Nesta" "Suriel" "Bryce" and "Umbra Mortis" listed as pending trademarks
A screen shot of the US Trademark office's website, listing "Fireheart", "Sarah J. Maas", "Lunathion," "ACOTAR," "Rhysand," "Hunt Athalar," "SJM," and "Aelin" as pending trademarks.

Ever since Cockygate, authors have been pretty suspicious of trademarks. Sarah J. Maas’s popularity has, inexplicably, grown into such an unstoppable juggernaut that trademarking some of her IP is a necessary step, and in some of these cases, not an overreach. As members of my Discord are currently discussing, there’s a real problem with conventions and events that freely market to fans of Maas’s books, even going so far as using imagery and names from her books to sell high-priced tickets.

An Australian company, Celestial Events, offers “unique events taking inspiration from some of our favourite authors.” But these “authors” seem to be pretty solidly just Sarah J. Maas (with the exception of the “Celestial Riders Gathering” that is clearly seeking to cash in on Fourth Wing‘s fandom). While these aren’t named quite so brazenly as the “Velaris Starfall Ball” in the US, a peek at the Eventbrite pages for these events feature photos of cosplayers in recognizable “Bat Boy” get-ups and references to “Under the Mountain” and an invitation to “meet up together and make the historic journey to Mass-Verse [sic]”.

You can really feel the dedication to fandom when they can’t bother to get the author’s name right. Totally not a cynical money grab. Definitely just a celebration of a cherished and beloved author.

These events usually feature professional cosplayers interacting with the guests, and as the Discord discussed…that’s not always a great thing. I know from my experiences at the now-defunct Romantic Times convention, things go bad when a very attractive man, who gets paid to be attractive, is introduced to an environment where he expects that every single woman in attendance will welcome his sexual advances. Because of incidents that took place at past romance conferences, an event organizer I know refuses to allow cover models to attend her events, even as a guest. It doesn’t take a huge leap of logic to imagine that dropping a Rhysand or a Tamlin into one of these unlicensed book parties could be monumentally unsafe.

The exorbitant ticket prices for these rip-off “bookish festivals” (The already sold-out Valeris Starfall Ball, which doesn’t even bother to be coy about the IP they’re infringing on, charged over $400 USD a head, while $366 USD will get you into any of the Celestial Events parties) demand protection of the author’s brand. While the fine print on these unlicensed conventions admit that there is no affiliation with the author, it’s impossible to overestimate just how much that doesn’t matter to the average fan. If someone pays $400 to go to an event branded as an ACOTAR ball and it turns out to be (please, please forgive me for the pun I’m about to make) a Feyre Fest debacle, that could reflect badly on Maas. Think of the recent “Willy’s Chocolate Experience” in Glasgow; while they didn’t expressly use Wonka trademarks, the books and movies are now inescapably tied to memes and jokes that tarnish the brand. This won’t sink a beloved children’s classic, but Maas’s success is still very new. While she’s teflon in bookish spaces (where readers simply don’t care about things like, for example, using Breonna Taylor’s death as a marketing gimmick), she hasn’t quite reached household name status yet. Outside her too-forgiving, ever-excuse-manufacturing fandom, if her books were linked to a scam, or a high profile sex crimes case involving a hired Rhysand hit the press, she could face even more backlash than her own shitty antics have earned her already.

Fan created merchandise has also been a long-running, unofficial arm of the Maas brand. If you own a Cricut, you can cash in mightily on Etsy by applying your fanworks to everything from journals to glassware, and market these specifically as ACOTAR products. This is something Maas has been open to in the past, but these filings seem poised to put a swift end to unlicensed fan merch. Which makes sense when we take into account the heat she got over a subscription box including unlicensed soap designed and molded to represent, I shit you not, Rhysand’s erect penis. The viral scandal can be credited with relaunching the “is it YA?” debate and reinforcing the reductive “fairy porn” label that has bafflingly attached itself to these incredibly tame fantasy romances.

While these are all very real concerns and a great reason to file for trademarks, when I investigated these trademark claims…some of them are absurd overreaches designed to grant Maas legal rights to things that don’t belong to her. Much like Cockygate, we’re seeing an author seeking trademarks to things she’s simply an asshole to try to claim.

Let’s look at them one at a time, from a layman’s perspective. I’m doing research here, including consulting people who are definitely more knowledgeable in this than I am, but corrections, especially from people with degrees and who specialize in Trademark and IP law, are so, so welcome in the comments. However, keep in mind that some of these remarks are just opinions on whether or not it’s ethical or even just rude to trademark some of these things, a la the Cockygate debacle (for example…should Maas really have the balls to trademark Bob Marley’s middle frickin’ name?). I don’t conflate morality with legality, so if I say, “It’s shitty of her to do this,” that’s not me claiming it’s not legal. Just shitty.

(Note the bold, red text before you continue. I’ve had a few really awful things sent to me on social media from people who skim, rather than read, and hurt their own feelings.)

VELARIS
This solves the issue of something like the unlicensed Velaris Starfall Ball, since it’s filed under class 41, which specifically covers “organization of balls, party planning” But they didn’t include that in their uses, and I’ve found conflicting answers regarding whether or not statement of intended use is more legally binding than a complaint that use of the mark will cause unreasonable confusion. But it will shut down the ability of that event to put its name on swag bags and other merchandise related to these events, as well as preventing unlicensed jewelry, candles, blankets, t-shirts, basically anything that could be fan made.

Feyre
Thank god there’s only one Feyre. Maas’s trademarking of this name shouldn’t be a problem for anyone but the babies named Feyre, if they grew up to own a billion dollar makeup company. I would be interested to know why they didn’t include actual paint in their uses, though. They claimed class 2, but didn’t include paint under uses. If I want to go out right now and create a Feyre branded watercolor palette, Could I? I mean, if I could even paint with it. And I know I never could paint it.

Throne of Glass
This one is another no-brainer. If granted, one of the uses is simply “books.” You could not title your book Throne of Glass. And while you might be thinking, “It would be pretty silly to give your book a title that could be confused with a much, much more popular book and potentially risk the ire of ultra-protective fans, you’d be shocked at how many people would do just that. Titles aren’t protected by copyright, so this is a necessary step.

Illyrian
Absolutely not. She was not responsible for the creation of Illyria or Illyrians, as the Illyrians were an actual civilization written about in history books long before Maas could even read. It’s pretty fucking bold to want to claim that you’re the only one who can use that word ever again in a book or on physical products.

Nesta
Maas’s claim on this is absurd and insulting. It’s Bob Marley’s middle name. Bold of Maas to assume that it’s hers for the taking, especially in books. However, the trademark on the word Nesta was granted in other categories for other uses, so if anyone wanted to make a “Nesta’s Ball” event, they’d be violating someone else’s trademark, and that trademark holder would have to pursue them accordingly.

Suriel
Suriel is literally an archangel that has been written about for centuries in mythology and folklore. This is another one where claiming the word can only be used in her books is beyond the pale.

Bryce
What the entire fuck. If this is granted, woe unto thee who might have a personalized necklace made, or who wants their name embroidered on a bag.

Umbra Mortis
Considering the number of perfumes and candles with this name, themed specifically to Maas’s work, this makes sense. But it’s pretty shitty to claim it for video games, when there’s already a video game titled Umbra Mortis.

Fireheart
Another wordmark claimed for use in books that is predated by other media. This is getting tiring, honestly. Is it fair, if other authors have used “Fireheart” as character names or titles, for Maas to claim it as her sole property? As stated above “fair” and “legal” aren’t in the same ballpark, but god damn, is this disrespectful.

Rhysand
I was expecting to find out that this was some kind of common Welsh name, but it does appear to be of Maas’s own invention. Knock yourself out, Sarah. I wish you well.

Hunt Athalar
This is really the name of a character in one of Maas’s series. That’s a choice she made. But she does seem like the first and only person to use it, so trademarking it, in my mind, seems fine. In fact, it protects other authors from using that name, a move I fully support. Because what in the 1990s paranormal romance fuck?

Aelin
Another case of a name Maas seems to have thought up. Trademarking it seems reasonable and fair.

SJM
Bill Compton, she’s coming for your monogram. One expert I consulted described this application as “a waste of money and time,” as they believe the trademark office will reject it on the basis that… it’s just a bunch of letters and the application for the wordmark in any possible font or text is too broad. If it were more narrow, like a specific logo, the trademark would more than likely be granted. So, this is an interesting one to watch.

Lunathion
This one makes sense. She made it up, but unlicensed merchandise bearing the name is everywhere. If I were in her shoes, I’d trademark it, too; imagine a Lunathion make-up palette that blinded its users, or a Lunathion candle with too high an oil content that’s responsible for burning someone’s house down. Though Maas wouldn’t be legally liable, having her IP connected to unregulated products would still link her and her books to these events in the public mind.

ACOTAR
I’m of two minds about this. ACOTAR is an abbreviation that was first thought up by fandom. Is this something that anyone could hold a trademark for? Or is it in such wide use already that it would be the same as trying to trademark “omegaverse”? Speaking of which, do not use “Alpha’s Claim” as a title; while searching “Omegaverse,” I found it as a registered trademark. But I’m also aware that ACOTAR is synonymous with Maas’s brand. If you’re heavily involved in any kind of fandom (because I’m not sure any ACOTAR fans hang out here), I’d love to know your take in the comments.

Sarah J. Maas
I think you know exactly what my opinion on this one is. If possible, trademark your author names. Trademarks are prohibitively expensive for most authors, but protect your name at all costs. If Sarah A. Maas rises from the depths, could Maas sue them if she’s granted this trademark? I hope so. I hope that’s how it works. Because people who use similar names for grasping, career-building purposes are more disgusting than the expired Walmart meat Joe Exotic fed his employees. They are the hair clogging your drain after you wash your dog, who rolled in something rotten and messy. They are the human equivalent of accidentally touching used gum under a table at a Panera Bread. Get ’em, Sarah. It will be the only time I root for you.

While I loathe Sarah J. Maas as a person and as the author of misogynistic, racist, homophobic bullshit novels built almost entirely out of other people’s IP, I’m interested to watch where this goes, what the reactions will be outside of fandom, and how this affects the industry. What do you all think?

Noel Fielding makes me want to be a better person.

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If you haven’t been watching The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin, it’s either because you don’t have Apple TV or because you don’t like joy. There, I said it. While I’ve seen numerous people online refer to the show as the spiritual successor to the sadly (and ridiculously) canceled Our Flag Means Death, fans of The Mighty Boosh will recognize it as an extended high-concept episode of that series, minus the unfortunate Blackface.

I became a fan of The Mighty Boosh in the ’00s, when it was shown during Cartoon Network’s Adult Swim block of programming. The show is “of its time,” with some cringe-worthy transphobia and the aforementioned unfortunate Blackface that plagued British comedy for far too long. But it was also enchanting and whimsical and outrageously bizarre. I’ve recommended it as “Monty Python if those guys had done less coke and more acid,” but it’s truly its own thing and needs to be experienced as such (though, like most shows, it didn’t find its groove until season two). The entire cast is incredible, but there’s one breakout star character: Vince Noir, a stylish, confident, utterly chaotic leprechaun of a manchild whose good nature and positivity seem to be the only qualities that keep his roommates from punting him onto the street.

Vince loves himself unconditionally, often praising himself for his great cheekbones and truly unique fashion sense. He’s utterly baffled when his own behavior results in any consequence at all, like when his habit of piling garbage in the alley attracts a menacing, drug-addicted urban fox, or when an unsolicited nighttime haircut gets him and his always-suffering companion, Howard, kicked off a cruise and marooned on a deserted island.

These themes continue in Noel’s portrayal of Turpin. Fielding’s highwayman is loathe to commit brutality (and does so only by accident), wants to assure that the targets of his robberies are satisfied with their experience, and outwits an enemy gang leader by knitting comfy mittens. He blunders through the criminal underworld with confidence, assuming that his unorthodox approach is simply ahead of its time instead of extremely reckless, foolish, and dangerous.

If these types of characters appear to be Fielding’s wheelhouse, his hosting job on The Great British Bake Off sheds some light as to why. The positivity and confidence of his outlandish characters shine through in interactions with the contestants as he bops playfully from one station to another, coaxing smiles from otherwise stressed-out contestants. It’s easy to imagine that the Fielding you see frollicking around the fabled tent is who he truly is, and even easier to see the parallels between that seemingly real-life persona and the characters he plays. Eventually, you begin to question how much of it is acting and how much of it is just showing up and letting his own character shine through.

In a 2015 interview with The Independent, he insists “‘I’m not Mr Weird,'” only to later confess, “”I don’t know what’s wrong with me. There is something wrong with me […] You know in Asterix when Obelix fell into the magic potion? I think I fell into a pot of LSD. I’ve always had a good imagination.'” Despite not believing he’s “Mr Weird,” he certainly comes across that way, and that’s what’s always drawn me in (a sentiment shared by most fans, I assume). But lately, I’ve come to appreciate him and his fictional characters in a new way. Beyond their weirdness, I’ve noticed the kindness. The positivity. Qualities that I admire, but which I find lacking in myself. I’m quick to anger. I’m hypercritical. I’m abrasive.

Recently, I got on Threads and almost accidentally replied to someone who had unfollowed me some time ago on Twitter. On that platform, she’d soft-blocked me, but I’d seen a tweet in which she’d described me as “so annoying” and lamented, “I wish Romancelandia would just shun her already.”

This person was one of my earliest supporters. She’d often commented on this blog and we were mutuals on Twitter. I saw this post two years ago, at least, but it still sticks in my mind. Somehow, I’d gone from someone this person liked to someone she wished ill. She didn’t just want to no longer follow me on social media or consume my content. She wanted me to be shunned by my professional peers, to lose my entire career. I’ve wondered ever since, with each installment of a Jealous Haters post, each grumpy sentiment expressed on social media, whether that’s what I deserve. Maybe I am just an unpleasant person who should be shut out from the world (although, I would argue that I turned my back on the “Romancelandia” clique long before they ever got a chance to discard me). Maybe I’m not experiencing the inevitable slow down after years of success, but I’m reaping the harvest of the ill will that I’ve sowed.

But watching an episode of The Completely Made-Up Adventures of Dick Turpin the other night, I had a revelation. Despite allegations otherwise, I truly am more positive and supportive than I am jaded and critical. But it’s the jaded and critical part of me that became my brand. And as it became my brand, it mingled with the personal resentment I felt toward others in my industry. Instead of embracing my weirdness and my kindness (which does exist, despite popular opinion), I decided that I would weather the storms visited upon me by others in my profession by hardening myself, becoming immoveable and never wrong, and focusing constantly on the unfairness of the industry I began to feel trapped by.

There are, obviously, grudges that I will never let go of, that I feel I’ve earned the right to keep. But I want to keep them to myself, now. I want to focus more on being me than begging for understanding from people who, frankly, cannot understand anything but their bank statements. I don’t want to be Jenny Trout, Jealous Hater anymore. I want to be “Mr Weird” (minus the dedication to wild fashion and thick eyeliner). I want to be publically the person I am in my real life, the person who dedicates most of their free time to teaching children to be confident in their skills on stage. The person who serves as chair of the Inclusion and Diversity committee for a local theater that welcomes everyone into every production, regardless of ability or disability, race, religion, gender identity, or sexual orientation. The person who, after returning home last night from a high school production of Shrek the Musical that starred two kids I’ve previously directed, received a private message on Facebook saying that their child’s theater journey began and continues because of me. Because I’m a positive influence in the lives of others.

Noel Fielding’s comedy, the way he builds his characters, the way he presents Bake-off, is vulnerable. It’s authentic. He is “Mr Weird,” and despite his protestations, he seems to know it. But that weirdness is packaged with kindness. And that’s something I’ve been shamefully lacking in, in my public life. Maybe I’m afraid to let the kindness and caring I exhibit in my private life show through my “I don’t give a fuck” public persona, specifically because kindness is impossible without vulnerability and fear. Vulnerability to being labeled a hypocrite for spending a decade in a prickly funk if I try to seek out less judgemental pastures. Fear that if I stop strongly condemning the right people, I’ll be canceled (in fact, I’m worried about this post, knowing that someone will absolutely brand me a pedophile apologist owing to the fact that, during his hard-partying ’00s, Fielding was photographed kissing a then sixteen-year-old Pixie Geldof). Vulnerability towards allegations that I’ve joined the mindset I dubbed “The Sunshine Sisterhood” if I express any understanding for high-profile author slip-ups. Fear that the people who appreciate my sarcasm will lose interest, fear that those who hate me for it will cynically assume I’m “rebranding” after some imagined disaster.

I’ve built a platform out of anger and pessimism, imagining myself as a bold outsider who’s unafraid to say “fuck you” to the establishment and blaze my own trail. I realize now that I don’t have to blaze that trail through a briar patch. Trails can go through meadows, too, and enchanted woods, and fields of wildflowers.

And yeah, it’s weird that it took a fictional highwayman (and non-fictional baking show host) to make me see that.