Author: JennyTrout

Long before the internet, cover models became viral sensations. As “The Topaz Man,” Steve Sandalis graced the covers of over 700 novels. CJ Hollenbach has been a fan favorite at conventions for over twenty years. And the average shopper probably can’t walk past the dairy case without thinking of Fabio (the undisputed king of romance) and his disbelief with regards to imitation butter spreads.

For as long as modern romances have existed, male models have been an integral part of their marketing. Readers love them, and love interacting with them. In 2016, Nightline somehow managed to go to a convention full of women and single out these men to profile (rather than the female authors or readers who drive the industry).

How important are models? You can see the perspectives of readers in the video, but as one woman bluntly stated, “If the book ain’t good, you can always put it on the shelf and look at it, honey.” Author Beth Williamson stated that the cover of the book was “almost” more important the content, because it was all about making a first impression with the reader. That’s not a reality that’s lost on authors or publishers. But recent developments within the romance community have many questioning just how important these men are to the success of the genre–and how much authors and readers are willing to put up with.

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Since Fabio’s heyday, fan interaction has been an important part of a model’s career. In a 2015 story for Jezebel, Romantic Times founder Katheryn Falk explained the appeal that made the golden one so popular:

Katheryn Falk, the founder of Romantic Times, says a great cover model can “look a woman in the eye.” Falk adds, “Like Fabio, he was bigger than life. He thought every woman was beautiful. And he had a lot of charisma. The accent, the name. He wasn’t overdoing it, but he would pay attention. He would look them in the eye. He appreciated women and it was part of his nature and part of his charisma that all women ruled over him.”

The personality of a model was once as important as looks in becoming the object of reader fantasy. Respecting the authors and readers wasn’t just a key to success; it was a job requirement.

So, where did it all go wrong?

Recently, Faith*, an author, pleaded with romance readers and writers via Facebook, warning them of a model she’d worked with who’d harassed and stalked her. Faith says the model repeatedly asked her sexually inappropriate questions via text message, tried to pressure her into signing a contract guaranteeing him a portion of her royalties, and physically threatened her at an event. Faith initially feared retribution from her publishers and from convention directors who’d warned her against going public. Even when she eventually did, she declined to mention the model’s name. Emboldened by Faith’s story, other authors who’d had similar interactions with the model came forward, and were more than willing to name Jackson Young as their tormentor.

Public content on Young’s Facebook page features bible verses and a profile photo declaring that he loves his mother. Readers and authors have tagged him in photos from the Romantic Times convention in Las Vegas, declaring how much they enjoyed meeting him. This public persona of the aww-shucks-cornfed-country-boy has given him ample camouflage to abuse the women signing his paychecks, as well as the voracious readers who swoon over his appearance on their favorite novels. When the story went public, readers and authors alike rushed to defend him and declare Faith a liar and an attention seeker.

Another model, Paul Blake, recently posted the following tirade on Facebook:

I’m going to keep this real simple. If I see you post anything that has to do with body shaming I will delete you. Let me clarify. If you are That person that has a weight problem and your always posting these memes about how it is wrong to “body shame” I am deleting you!!!! Becaaaaaaause you are the reason many of our youth is thinking it’s okay to be obese. Idiot!!!!! You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself.

When one woman objected, Blake responded:

you should go eat your last Dairy Queen Blizzard and then hang yourself in the closet

Screenshots of the altercation quickly circulated on social media, yet some of Blake’s fans still felt that his “honesty” was refreshing. One wrote:

I know so many “big girls” who are big by choice because of poor diet and lack of exercise that have passed their poor eating habits on to their children and it frustrates me so much! Then yeah will be like curvy girls do it better and I just want to slap them because curves means you have big hips and a smaller waist line not a muffin top hence the word “curves”! I agree with you completely. Preach on, I love it!

Blake’s response?

Thank you that’s what I’m talking about I care nothing about book covers or a following. Im not a fuckin celebrity.

When damning evidence of his behavior circulated, he warned one woman via Facebook messenger:

You and all the other fat slob offers going screenshot this and pass it around I don’t give two f**** what you old horny b****** think about me that’s why your big fat ass sits behind the f******* computer and types romance novels about the dick you will never have you will all pathetic lazy b******* so you can say what you want just like I say what I want I don’t give two s****

How did the genre move from readers worshipping at the feet of Fabio, a man who worshipped and valued each and every one of them right back, to muscle-bound meatheads who proudly degrade women and tell them to kill themselves?

Romance novels have always been the domain of women, from the majority of editorial staff, agents who represent clients within the genre, to the authors and readers. Even romance novels about gay men are written and consumed predominately by cis heterosexual women. The genre has made millionaires (Nora Roberts, E.L. James, Danielle Steel, among others), and boasts a loyal and hungry fanbase. So then why, in an industry driven by women, are these abuses allowed to happen?

The actions of these men are their own responsibility, and only they are accountable for them. But the fostering of the toxic culture within romance that has elevated them to near untouchable status lies squarely on the industry. Authors, publishers, and conventions have gleefully touted the importance of a square jaw and rock-hard abs as an integral part of fully enjoying the romance experience. Some authors even hire their cover models to attend their signings, in the hopes of drawing a larger crowd. When the models begin to believe that they’re so important or noteworthy that they no longer need the authors or readers, something has to give.

Change in the genre must come from within. While many authors and readers stepped up to publicly shame Blake and Young, social media outcry isn’t enough to protect future victims of harassment. Authors and publishers must agree to stop hiring any amateur with a nice body because he’ll settle for a low paycheck. Background checks should be mandatory before models can attend reader events (during the social media backlash, Blake boasted to one author that he had spent time in prison on weapons charges). And when an author or reader levies serious accusations against a model, those accusations should be investigated, not hushed up. Romance is a billion dollar industry. Surely it can afford to safeguard its readers and authors.

*Name changed to protect the individual

When last we met, Hamech had arrived and was blasting the college all to hell. Dr. Z had just headed directly into danger and probably died (the way he should have long ago, when the Hero’s Journey demanded it), and everyone is in the big government warehouse.

Quick rundown of the episode: Vorenus dreams that he’s in bed with Niobe (Indira Varma got before-the-credits billing for just rolling over, smiling, and kissing Kevin McKidd, so things are really coming up Indira), but he’s slept with an Egyptian woman. He’s been in Egypt for a while. Long enough for Posca to become a pot head who avoids Antony and Cleopatra, because they’ve become tyrants with no respect for human life. They’re using slaves dressed in deer skins for a hunting game involving real arrows and real death, and barely paying attention to the Roman senators who have come to negotiate a deal with Antony. Rome needs grain because its people are starving. All Antony cares about is his popularity with the people in Rome, and the chances of getting Octavian to declare war against him.

So, how long has it been since the last episode, exactly? Long enough that Cleopatra has bore Antony two children who are now preschoolers, and Gaia has moved easily into Eirene’s place. Pullo has also moved up, taking over Vorenus’s place as leader of the collegium. Because of the grain shortage, he’s not a popular dude. Starving people are demanding more grain rations, which Pullo can’t give them.

Vorena the Elder appears to have joined whatever religious order her aunt has, and Lucius has finally aged. That kid was five for five years, I swear. After the big fight at the end of the last episode, Pullo has been keeping a now-tongueless Memio in a cage and feeding him scraps. So, don’t cross Pullo, I guess.

Even though Antony is refusing to send grain, and the newsreader is telling everyone what’s up, the people still love Antony more than Octavian, and Octavian knows that if he declares war against Antony, everything is going to go to shit real fast. Octavian suspects Antony’s weakness is probably Cleopatra, and gets this great idea to send Octavia to Egypt to negotiate with her husband. Octavia says he should send Atia, and Octavian is like, yeah, you should both go. Atia is all for it, because she’s still waiting for Antony to send for her. Also, because both women are still under house arrest. Atia puts the squeeze on her son, asking for a villa in Capri, and cash for Octavia.

Vorenus tells Caesarion about his father. Not Caesar, but Pullo, the kid’s real father, dressed up as stories of Caesar. Vorenus is the only member of the household who doesn’t coddle Caesarion, and it seems to be something the kid wants, and he respects Vorenus for it.

When Octavia and Atia arrive in Egypt, Antony won’t see them. He’s too busy getting all opiumed up with his his new girlfriend, who wants Antony to murder Atia as proof of his love. When Atia refuses, it sparks a huge fight that goes from Antony and Cleopatra beating the fuck out of each other to Antony and Cleopatra just fucking, all while Atia and Octavia wilt outside in the heat. Jocasta comes outside to chat about styles and bitch about the queen, but Posca comes and herds her back inside. Cleopatra insists that it’s a good idea to send Octavia away and start a war, and Antony agrees; Vorenus tells Octavia and Atia that they have to turn around and go home. Atia is crushed and humiliated, and it would be heartbreaking if you don’t remember that in the grand scheme of things, getting dumped is hardly payback for all the evil shit she’s done in her life.

Because war is on the way, Posca and Jocasta intend to flee Egypt with nothing more than what they can carry. Vorenus catches them, but Jocasta begs him not to tell Antony. Vorenus lets them go, and sends a message for Pullo and the children. When he sees Antony, he tells him that things did not go well. They did not go well at all. Vorenus gives Antony Octavia’s message about him being cowardly scum. Vorenus tells Antony that he’s not a coward, but that he has a disease in his soul, and Vorenus knows because he has the same disease. And Caesarion watches this whole exchange like, fuuuuuuck, this is what I have to be when I grow up?

Having returned to Rome, Atia smacks Octavian, because she’s figured out that he’d sent her to Egypt to be shunned on purpose. She tells him to keep the villa he promised her, she just wants him to destroy Antony and Cleopatra. Speaking of their deaths, Posca has stolen their will. In it, Antony declares Cleopatra is his wife and gives all the eastern provinces to their children, and promises Rome to Caesarion. The newsreader is having the best week ever, telling a horrified crowd that Antony has turned his back on Rome, started wearing makeup, worships Egyptian dog gods, and, perhaps most horrible of all, dances with cymbals. Octavian uses the same sensational news to rile up the senate, and insinuates that Antony has been bewitched by Cleopatra.

Octavian asks Titus Pullo to go to Egypt with him, in the hopes he can talk to Vorenus and get something done from the inside. Pullo is reluctant, until Octavian mentions that Caesarion will have to be killed. And since Pullo knows that’s his kid, that sways him to go. He gives the children the message about Vorenus sending them kisses, and they’re like, fuck our dad, our mom is still dead, so we still hate him.

While Pullo packs to go to Egypt, he notices that Memio has broken out of his cage. Memio attacks Pullo, but Gaia stops him and gets stabbed in the process. As she’s dying, she confesses to Pullo (who’s fallen in love with her and can’t figure out why the fuck this is happening to him again) that she killed Eirene. Pullo goes from “oh no, she’s going to die,” to “fuck this bitch,” in like two seconds. He crushes Gaia’s windpipe, then takes her dead body out into the street and dumps her like garbage.

My favorite part of the episode: The gratuitous violent sex between Livia and Octavian, which involves slapping and choking and actually takes place in a red room. How could I not find that funny?

My least favorite part of the episode: As much as I hate Gaia, I hate the fact that she dies even more. I mean, yes, it’s satisfying to see her get her comeuppance, but that’s only until you remember that she exists entirely to set Pullo up for as much man-pain as possible. Gaia arrives on the scene, kills Eirene, then is killed by Pullo, all so we can see him go through something. And it’s not anything that’s important to the story. You could cut Eirene’s death and Gaia from the plot line and nothing changes. So what was the purpose? Pullo killed Eirene’s bethrothed, so Pullo is punished by Eirene’s death. Gaia killed Eirene, so she’s punished by death at Pullo’s hands. The only real consequence Pullo has faced in the narrative as a result of what he did to Eirene’s boyfriend is that Eriene died. Nothing has happened to him, it’s all just happened to the women around him. That’s some bullshit.

Favorite costume: I’m going to start with my least favorite costume, thank you very much. Cleopatra’s flea market Ankh earrings:

With all the attention to detail this show invests in costuming, why the hell did someone think these clearly modern earrings that someone probably picked up at Claire’s or Icing were a great idea for a closeup?

My most favorite costume? Antony’s man-romper. Antony has had so many wild looks this season.

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Team Servilia is still going strong, as Atia’s life continues to crumble to ashes.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

Antony has a henna douche-tat. SO EGYPTIAN. MUCH CULTURE. #LegionXIII

— Lauren Billingsley (@Noisy_ninja) May 3, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? I feel like I’m always picking Octavia for this, but she really does dress in stuff that Bronwyn would covet:

Guess Jess’s head canon. Vorenus telling such fond memories of Pullo to Caesarion only proves that Vorenus misses and loves Pullo.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess is still nursing her injury from the fight she lost to an avocado, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode ten, “About Your Father”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

On April 26th, I bought Leanna Renee Hieber’s Strangely Beautiful on my Kindle Fire. On May 2nd, I still had the option to return it. I’m not a fast reader, and honestly, I haven’t even cracked it open yet (I read it years ago, before it went out of print, and desperately needed it in my library again), but when my eyes were younger and my attention span longer, I could have easily devoured it in a few days, with room to spare to request that Amazon return my money.

Amazon will refund readers for an e-book purchase within seven days, regardless of how much content has been read. At first glance, this might seem like good customer service. I’ve certainly thought so in the past when I’ve accidentally purchased a digital duplicate copy of a paperback I already owned. Still, this is something I’ve done rarely–twice, if I remember correctly–and each time I worried that my return might affect the book’s sales ranking.

Other people, it seems, do not feel that kind of guilt. Last week, a story circulated on social media that outraged readers, writers, and book bloggers alike. An author (who appears to have removed their original post) received an email from a reader who, writer M.A. Knopp reports, wasn’t happy with the price point of the books they’d enjoyed:

Dear Ms. Author.

I really like your books. I think they are well-written and I enjoyed reading them. (So far, so good, right? Hang on.) However, I have returned them all because you priced them at $0.99 to $2.99, and that is too much to pay for them. I can’t afford to pay that much for a book, even though I liked it. In the future, can you make sure you make all your books free so I don’t have to return them?

Free e-books, which were once considered a promotional tool or a gift from authors to their loyal readers, are now an expectation. Despite the endless options for free digital reading from sites like Wattpad and An Archive Of Our Own, some readers feel that all content should be free, regardless of whether or not the author is a professional who relies on writing for their income.

“Why would you think our job is any different than your job–you know, the one you are supposed to go to so you can pay for your entertainment?” author Becky McGraw asks. “Authors work twelve to sixteen hours a day at our job to produce books for your entertainment.”

On the surface, Amazon return scams seem no different from piracy. But whereas readers who pirate ebooks seek out a particular torrent with a title already in mind, Amazon’s return policy allows unscrupulous readers to browse at their leisure and easily download the content to their devices.

Author Bianca Sommerland understands the difference between piracy and what’s happening at Amazon: “With pirates, it sucks. It’s horrible, but those people aren’t buying books. That isn’t money I would have made. They wouldn’t have given me a cent.” Since Amazon doesn’t seem interested in dealing with the issue, Sommerland says, “I almost want to raise my prices so those people worry a little more about the charges, but I won’t punish the rest of my readers for the few assholes.”

The results of an informal survey asking authors to report their April sales and returns showed numbers ranging anywhere from 1.2% in overall returns, to a whopping 40.1%. Losing 40% of a monthly income would be devastating to any household; to authors, it could mean future releases are spaced out further or cancelled altogether.

The timing of the returns is also particularly cruel. Author Stella Price reported that her return rate can be devastating during the week of a book’s release, usually the most financially profitable time for an indie author: “I might end up selling 70, but I have 20-30 returned in a day.” It’s become such a problem that it has influenced Price’s recent decision to stop publishing in the e-book market. It’s a choice that has made some of her readers unhappy, but with such a high digital return rate, she sees no other option.

That’s not to say that all returns are fraudulent. Books purchased by accident in the Kindle app can be easily returned within seconds by clicking a link on the purchase screen. Honest mistakes happen; anyone can fumble their device and hit the One-Click button. But not all mistakes are so honest.

“I had a group of at least 5 returns on each book in the Cobra series last month,” Sommerland says. “They came close together. Maybe I’m imagining things, but the way they were spaced, it seemed like the books were read, then returned as each person in this group finished the book.”

When customers return a book due to formatting errors or an egregious number of grammar offenses, Amazon sends the author a notice asking for corrections. But in the case of Sommerland’s books, “There’s no report of errors or anything that would explain this. And if you don’t like a book, you don’t get the next one, right?”

Some readers recognize the potential harm return scams can inflict on authors who make their living writing. Blogger Alisha Webber started a Change.org petition in the hopes that Amazon will take notice and change their policies. “They’re blatantly stealing from authors and Amazon is sitting on the sidelines pretending it isn’t happening,” Webber writes. “We need to prevent the return of books read past 15% along with refusing returns after a few days. We can’t allow this theft to continue.” At the time this article was written, the petition had over 7,000 signatures.

Compared to Amazon’s policies on returning downloadable software (you can’t) or streaming movies (within twenty-four hours, and only if you haven’t accessed the content), Webber’s proposal seems modest. Amazon allows generous sampling of e-books prior to purchase, allowing customers a chance to gauge not only their interest in the content, but the quality of the work. This courtesy isn’t extended to software, games, or movies, yet those items are considered a final sale after purchase or partial consumption. Amazon has the ability to track the reading progress of an individual e-book; it’s how they evaluate royalties paid to authors in their Kindle Unlimited program. If the ability to prevent fraudulent returns exists, why would Amazon allow them to continue?

As more writers are forced to change their business model or hike their prices due to abuses of the Amazon return policy, readers will feel the pinch, too. “Actors don’t act for free, painters don’t paint for free, and authors don’t write for free,” McGraw points out. “You want us to keep writing books? Stop the freaking theft!”

The original title of this post said “cover real”. It is the real cover, obviously, but more importantly, it’s a cover REVEAL.

Good Monday, everyone! I promised everyone I would have information today about Ian and Penny’s second book(s), Second Chance. Here’s the cover:

Now, about that release date: You don’t have very long to wait at all! Second Chance will be available in e-book on May 31. I’ll have a blurb and preview post to remind you as the day approaches, don’t worry.

Now, a spoiler warning: It picks up just a few hours after First Time left off, so if you haven’t read The Baby from the Sophie Scaife books, and intend to, definitely read The Baby while you wait for Second Chance to be released.

CW: Rape (although honestly, CW: rape for the whole show from here out)

Quick rundown of the episode: Octavian sets the tone for this episode by talking to a group of Roman women about the “steely virtue” of Roman women, and how he’s going to enact laws that punish promiscuity and reward fertility, so basically he’s establishing Ye Olde Republican Party. He goes directly from this speech to meet a woman and proposition her, suggesting that divorcing her husband would be no big deal. So, virtue, infidelity, blah blah blah, he just stole a wife from her husband.

Timon and his family leave Rome, and the show, for good, with their storyline pretty much unresolved. Glad it took up so much screen time for no reason.

Jocasta is super enjoying being married to Posca, because he indulges her every whim. She can’t move without her jewelry clacking. Posca and Micenas have a plan to steal money from a bribe that Octavian is sending by way of the collegium. The guy who’s name I can never remember, who’s the “third man” in the gang is mad that Pullo is getting the job guarding the gold, and he storms off.

As predicted last week, Gaia gives Eirene the abortifacient in her tea, and she dies. Here lies Eirene, the only decent person on the entire show, murdered to cause Pullo manpain.

The shipment of bribe gold gets ambushed, and Mascius (who gets the job guarding the gold after all, since Pullo is catatonic with grief) gets seriously wounded. The gold is gone. Micenas says it’s convenient that the only person Octavian trusted suddenly couldn’t guard the gold, and Antony takes that as an accusation. Micenas thinks Posca has double crossed him with Antony.

Meanwhile, Vorenus goes to see Memio (what is up with all the M names?), who is drinking and whoring like there’s no tomorrow, but who insists he doesn’t know anything about the stolen gold. He assembles all the rival gang leaders together and tells them it’s time to overthrow Vorenus. They’re all like, you took Vorenus’s gold, stop making it our problem. And by the way, Memio totally stole the fucking gold. He uses it to buy off the other mobsters.

Pissed off about the gold the suspected double-cross, Micenas tells Octavian that his mom is still fucking Antony, and that Octavia didn’t tell him because she’s busy banging Agrippa. Octavian calls the family together and airs all their business like it’s Thanksgiving. Agrippa admits to his affair with Octavia, resulting in Octavian putting his mother and sister under permanent house arrest and banishing Antony from Rome.

Vorenus is about to have Pullo kill Mascius for betraying them and stealing the gold, when he sees one of the straw dolls the fiddly, greasy guy has been making Vorena the Elder. Vorenus confronts his daughter, who totally takes responsibility for betraying him and telling Memio about the route for the gold. And he’s like, why would you do that, and she points out all the egregious shit he did to them, like kill their mother (the kids don’t know that he didn’t), and curse them to Hades, resulting in their enslavement. He strangles her, but Pullo stops him before he can actually kill Vorena in front of the other children.

Antony is banished to Egypt. He goes to see Atia first, and promises he’ll send for her when he can.

Vorenus tells Antony he resigns from the collegium, citing personal reasons, and promises that the gold will be returned. He practically begs Antony to take him to Egypt, and Antony is like, you’re a fuck up, but I need guys on my side. Vorenus leaves his kids in Pullo’s protection, and the two men say nearly-tearful goodbyes to each other.

Meanwhile, on house arrest, Octavia is taking out her boredom on the houseplants when Atia tells her that Agrippa is in the kitchen. But Agrippa isn’t there for funsies; he tells Octavia that basically he’s choosing loyalty to her brother over her. He won’t help Octavia escape, because Octavian has the right to lock her up. In other words, this prick was happy to dance to the tune, but he’s going to make Octavia pay the piper. Octavia tells Agrippa she’s pregnant, and he’s all, “Who’s the father?” and she says it doesn’t matter because both options are shitty. She’s not wrong.

Now that everybody knows that Memio stole the gold, it’s time for a rumble on the Aventine. Pullo and Memio parlay, but Pullo apparently doesn’t know what that means, because he headputs Memio and bites his tongue out. Then he hurls an axe into greasy guy’s chest, and bam, everybody was kung fu fighting. Even Gaia, who is finally given something to do besides use her sexuality for evil.

Antony arrives in Rome, where he’s met by Cleopatra. We all pretty much know where that goes from here.

My favorite part of the episode: When Octavian Grey tells Livia that he plans to get sexual pleasure from beating her. I guess his tastes are “very singular”. He gives her about as much agency in the decision as Christian Grey gave Ana Steele, and it’s just about as romantic.

My least favorite part of the episode: Let’s talk about how fucked up Eirene’s storyline is. She starts off as a slave, gets freed by the master who raped her, he kills the man she loves, she tries to kill him, ends up marrying him instead, gets pregnant, then gets murdered by a woman who sees her as competition. The audience is supposed to go, “Okay, this is fair payback. Pullo killed the person she loved, now he’s lost the person he loves.” Which is bullshit, because Eirene doesn’t deserve to die to teach Pullo a lesson or further his characterization.

In the meantime, we’ve got Gaia, who exists only to murder Eirene. Name a single thing she’s done of importance to the plot other than poisoning Eirene. Her sole function in the story is to be the conniving, jealous female. Why? Because it has an effect on the characterization of male character.

At least Atia, Octavia, Cleopatra and Servilia were given motivations that weren’t solely wrapped up in a man’s journey. Eirene and Gaia aren’t so lucky, and that pisses me off.

Favorite costume: Jocasta’s purple dress and mauve veil:

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Since Servilia is dead, you’d think this question wouldn’t have much of an answer, but Servilia’s curse seems to be playing out, so gotta give it to Servilia this time.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

You know Pullo’s depressed when he needs to be TOLD to drink something. #LegionXIII

— Gabe (@gfortin_05) April 26, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? The dress itself isn’t that exciting, but the fabric is light and has a delicate pattern, so I’m going to go with Octavia’s lavender/blue-ish dress:

Guess Jess’s head canon. Her boys have broken up, but they parted tenderly, with face touches, a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. A shipper can’t ask for much more without something becoming truly canon.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess is still nursing her injury from the fight she lost to an avocado, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode nine, “No God Can Stop A Hungry Man”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

Hello everybody! I’m not dead! Isn’t that great? I’ve just been super busy getting Second Chance ready for it’s big day. When is that big day? Well, I’ll tell you on Monday, when I reveal the cover and release date right here on this very blog.

Because of this, my serialized projects are back-burnered until June. If you’re a Patreon supporter, you should have gotten a message about that, and Wattpad followers of The Afflicted should also have gotten one, so this probably doesn’t come as a shock to any of you. But I’m covering my bases.

In personal news, I’m so happy to announce that D-Rock’s dog, Muggsy, who lived with us for about a year while D-Rock also lived here, has come to stay permanently. You may remember my cousin D-Rock from our brief YouTube show, Roadhouse. Nowadays she’s living in the Aleutian Islands, working as a hyperbaric welder and a boat nanny in Dutch Harbor. She recently made a very surprise visit to us. By very surprise, I mean that she didn’t call me before traveling all the way here. I was in bed and my bedroom door burst open with a shout of “Melissa!” to herald her arrival.

Anyway, Muggsy (a.k.a. Muggs, Mugzilla, Mugzoo, Tubbsy, and Tubszilla) the senior Pit Bull is our newest family member, and she looks pretty psyched to be here. I think she missed us:

So, hence the lack of updates: I’ve been busy writing, editing, and snuggling this cute ass dog.

Next week, I’ll return with an Apolonia recap.

CW: Rape (although honestly, CW: rape for the whole show from here out)

This week I didn’t realize what day it was. I thought this was still Thursday, so the post is late. Mea Culpla. OMG that, works, because Rome/Latin get it?!

Quick rundown of the episode: Real super quick this week, actually. Servilia, destroyed by her son’s death and what amounts to a complete check mate between her and Atia, mounts a days-long call out/curse combo and kills herself in front of Atia’s door. Later, when Atia suggests a strategic marriage between Antony and herself, Octavian is like, this is a great idea, but he’s going to marry Octavia instead, Atia is like, damn, maybe that bitch did have the last laugh.

Octavia isn’t the only one being forced into a marriage she doesn’t want. Jocasta, formerly the daughter of a merchant, marries Posca, because he’s her best choice now that she’s been raped and impoverished.

On the Pullo side, he fucks up real bad. After Gaia disrespects Eirene, Pullo tries to whip her, but ends up raping her (Gaia appears to be into it and an equal aggressor, but she’s a slave, and we’ve already seen her trying to move up in the household via her sexual charm, so this isn’t like, “Hey, hot guy, wanna bang,” but “I’ve got no other choice.”) Gaia sees her chance, now that she knows Pullo would actually be into her sexually, so all she has to do is remove Eirene.  She goes to ye old abortionist and gets some herbs.

Vorena the Elder is having a full on affair with the guy who keeps giving her straw dolls, and Memmio “catches” them together. He offers to keep it secret from her father, as long as she spies on him for her. Like, Memmio, this is by far the most complicated plan anyone has ever concocted for no reason, because Vorena fucking hates her dad and would sell him out for q-tip.

Timon and his brother decide they should kill King Herrod while he’s in town, but at the last minute Timon spots Atia in the crowd and, presumably not wishing to prove to her that he is, in fact, an animal, kills his brother in an argument instead.

And that’s it, in a nutshell.

My favorite part of the episode: The way Eirene says, “She say she gonna choke me wit a stick!”

My least favorite part of the episode: Pullo and Gaia. I hate that it’s a) yet another scene of rape, as Gaia is a slave, b) an incredibly violent scene seemingly justifying itself as rough sex, and c) is uncomfortably hot despite a and b, so it makes you feel bad.

Favorite costume: I really dig the intricate nature of Jocasta’s wedding dress. Actually, from here out, Jocasta really becomes the style icon of the show. Or, at least, she rivals Antony.

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Servilia. That is probably the greatest case of getting the last word that anyone has ever seen.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS, TROUT!!!! #LEGIONXIII

— Bronwyn Green (@Bronwyn_Green) April 19, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? She would definitely make something with that embroidered border.

 

Guess Jess’s head canon. My assumption is that Vorenus and Pullo still sail the seas for her, even though the angst has been turned down a little in these past couple episodes.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess’s post is pending due to injury (she has stitches all over her hand, it’s gross), and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode eight, “A Necessary Fiction”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

CW: Rape (although honestly, CW: rape for the whole show from here out)

Apologies for missing last week’s post. A family emergency took precedence.

Quick rundown of the episode: Meanwhile, where all the fucking losers are, Brutus is in really good spirits for someone who basically knows he’s at the end of his life. Probably because he’s like, fuck it, I’m going to die, we’re not going to beat Octavian, might as well enjoy myself.

In Gaul, Mark Antony and Octavian have agreed on a plan to murder basically anyone who’s ever looked sideways at either of them, so they can seize their money. This includes Cicero, who has to go first because he’s got the most spies. Octavian sends the list of soon-to-be dead men to Vorenus, so his mob guys can do the killing and money collecting, and just for fun, Atia tosses Jocasta’s dad onto the list. Like, literally, just for fun; she doesn’t like Jocasta, so she’s like, you know. Kill her dad (and as an added kick in the teeth, Atia later offers to take Jocasta in once her whole family is dead and she’s been raped). As an added dramatic touch, Antony says Cicero’s hands should be nailed to the senate doors, for old times sake.

At the collegium, Gaia is doing like, the one thing I don’t hate her for, being kind to Vorenus’s children. But he’s not into that; he doesn’t want Gaia giving Vorena the Elder makeup tips. There’s some tension between Gaia and Mascius (I think that’s his name), who is kind of like, her dude. She later tries to get Pullo’s attention, and it’s clear that the only way Gaia can move up in the world is by getting at least one of the important guys to want her.

Speaking of manipulating important guys, one of Vorenus’s enemies sends a real greasy looking fuck to pay attention to Vorena the Elder, for obviously nefarious purposes. He ends up giving her a little straw doll or some shit.

Vorenus tells the collegium dudes like, here, go kill these guys, and hey, use the money for whatever you want to do, but I’m going to look like Good Guy Greg and use the money to feed the poor. To take care of Cicero, Pullo rides out to Cicero’s villa, taking Eirene and Vorenus and the children all out to the country on a murder field trip. Like a gentleman, Pullo asks Cicero if he can take some peaches, before killing Cicero in what has to be the most painful way to get stabbed. Then later that night, Pullo goes and nails Cicero’s hands to the doors.

Because she hasn’t yet figured out that she’ll never be allowed happiness, Octavia and Agrippa start an affair. And the weaselish little poetry guy knows something is up. I don’t like the looks of that guy. Never have.

Timon and his brother have a confrontation in the synagogue due to some ill-defined political drama meant to show us some kind of meaningful progression in Timon’s character. Honestly? I’m more interested in why Timon became who he was when we first met him than in who he’ll become when he abruptly departs the show without any resolution.

Eirene gets pissed when she thinks Pullo is going back into the Army, and tearfully tells him that she’s “preglant.” Pullo is psyched about this news, but like… doesn’t he remember he already has a kid? And that kid is a prince?

So, it’s final showdown time between Brutus and the Octavian/Antony dynamo show. It doesn’t go well. Brutus knows he’s boned and just doesn’t give a fuck anymore. He ends up walking straight into the advancing lines, where he’s surrounded by dudes and stabbed over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over until we get the obvious parallel between his death and his

My favorite part of the episode: Titus Pullo, Gentleman Assassin. Although “You might not want to watch this,” is not the thing you want to hear right before you get murdered.

My least favorite part of the episode: I take issue with the fact that the only character coded as being a person of color* is a sexually aggressive manipulator. She only gets like, one nice thing to do, and that’s be kind to the children. I think this episode is the only time.

*(I say coded, as I don’t know the actress’s ethnicity, but the character has dreadlocks and a light brown complexion)

Favorite costume: Mark Antony’s Sheriff of Nottingham get-up. This entire season is just like, “What’s Antony’s new look gonna be this week?”

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Doesn’t really apply this week, as Servillia isn’t in the episode.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

You think with a name like Pullo his pullout game would be better #LegionXIII

— Dylan Bimberg (@dylanbim) April 12, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? Eirene’s green dress.

Guess Jess’s head canon. I think this week was a little bit of a drought in the ho yay department, actually.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess’s post is pending due to injury, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode seven, “Death Mask”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!