Author: JennyTrout

Let me tell you a story, gentle reader.

Once upon a time, I convinced Jess and Bronwyn to watch Game of Thrones. I had already seen the series through its fourth season. So when season three rolled around, I savored their tears and horror like the finest of wine.

That same thing happened this week and it was glorious.

Quick rundown of the episode: Titus Pullo wakes up in the hospital to find out that he’s famous in Rome. He thinks he better cash in on that, and despite being slashed all to hell and back, tries to ride for the city.

The Vorenus family visits the farmland they’ve just been granted, and as part of some kind of weird Roman blessing, Lucius and Niobe totally bone on the ground in front of their kids. When they get home, they find out that Pullo has returned. Nobody is thrilled to see him, least of all Eirene, who decides to murder him in the night. He wakes up and tells her it’s cool if she kills him, but Niobe stops her and tells her it’s stupid to murder him because she’d get caught. Instead, Niobe lets Eirene take over care duties for Pullo, which ends up with him eating an impressive quantity of spit.

Pullo eventually finds a way to escape from the Vorenus household in the hope of cashing in on his fame. But he’s not very famous, and when he brings a woman back to the apartment, he feels bad, anyway. He eventually tells Eirene that he’s going to go to some shrine to ask for forgiveness. He asks Eirene if she thinks the gods will forgive him, and she’s like, whatever, they do what they want. But he invites her to go to the shrine with him, anyway. She follows him out of the city, but not like, in a “let’s travel together” way.

Caesar decides it’s a super idea to make a bunch of Gauls and Celts senators. And people are not happy. So instead of disciplining Lucius Vorenus, Caesar is like, hey, you should be a senator. So that means you need some OJT. Just follow me around. All the time. Definitely do not leave me even just to go to the bathroom. But his wife is still pretty freaked out when she has a bad dream about birds.

Servilia and Brutus have gone full-on serial killer, praying in front of a wall of death masks, asking their ancestors for special murder powers or something. But they don’t need them; Servilia remembers the secret Octavia managed to get from Octavian, about how Lucius Vorenus believes his wife’s son is his grandson. They can use that information to distract Vorenus and get him away from Caesar for long enough to assassinate him.

Senate is going to be in session, so Caesar, flanked by Lucius Vorenus, heads through town. Servilia’s slave stops Vorenus and whispers something in his ear. And it totally works; he takes off back to his house, leaving Caesar unprotected.

So, then you know what happens in the senate. But while it’s happening, Servilia has invited Atia over to hang out. Octavian has gone with his mother. In the senate there a stabbing frenzy and a whole bunch of blood and a really gruesome scene that once again makes me suspect that the sound guys blew through at least thirty percent of this shows budget just buying melons to stab. But basically, it’s brutal, and they hack Caesar to fucking death and it’s awful. But it’s Brutus who delivers the death blow (obviously), and they forgo the “Et tu” line. Mark Antony arrives too late and wisely backs out of the senate slowly, but he gives everyone a hardcore murder glare.

Vorenus wrecks up their house while Niobe screams and asks what’s going on. She admits the kid is hers, and tells him that she thought he was dead. Which, you know. Honestly, how do you not forgive that? While Vorenus contemplates killing Niobe, or maybe himself, it’s hard to tell, Niobe tells him it’s not the kid’s fault, then throws herself backward off the balcony, spitting her melon all over the courtyard. But it doesn’t make a melon sound, because at this point the melon budget was all used up. While Vorenus cradles Niobe’s dead body in his arms, her son walks in.

Servilia gloats about her triumph to a near-catatonic Atia who doesn’t have a single card left to play. Servilia tells Atia that she’s not going to kill them specifically that day, but she is going to enact this long as fuck revenge on her. Atia keeps her shit together, but just barely.

The episode closes with Pullo doing his penance at the shrine, while Eirene watches and, judging from the hand-holding into the sunset that precedes the end credits, forgives him for that whole “you murdered the man I love” thing pretty quick.

My favorite part of the episode: The entire last quarter of it. It’s so tense. Obviously almost everyone watching this knows how it’s going to end for Caesar, but the first time I watched this, I freaked out the moment the guys stopped Mark Antony from going into the senate. I was so caught up in the show, I completely forgot how shit was going to go down. I looked at Mr.Jen and said, “OHMYGODIT’SGOINGTOHAPPENRIGHTNOW!” And I still feel that way, every single time. It’s just as shocking on the tenth viewing as it was on the first.

My least favorite part of the episode: I loathe the way Niobe dies. You know from the second you see her breastfeed that baby at the beginning of the season that some bad shit is going to go down, but I just…ugh. Things were going so well for her and Vorenus.

Favorite costume: They really let Eirene shine in this one. Specifically, her hair:

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Have to give it to Servilia this week. Calling someone to your house so you can watch their reaction to their family member being murdered and their place in society dashed all to hell and back is the coldest thing imaginable.

Until next season.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

@Jenny_Trout @Bronwyn_Green I fear this. #LegionXIII

— Jessica Jarman (@jessjarman) February 16, 2016

Also:

Jesus, Grandpa! What’d you read me this thing for???? @Jenny_Trout #LegionXIII

— Bronwyn Green (@Bronwyn_Green) February 16, 2016

I drink the TV induced tears of my friends like fine wine.

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? Honestly, I think she’s with me on Eirene’s hair this week.

Guess Jess’s head canon. First of all, it’s good to see the boys together again. Vorenus is going to need someone to lean on now that tragedy has struck.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s and Jess’s posts, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode one, “Passover”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

Are you in the New York-ish kind of area? Because this little buddy:

is looking for a forever home. Yes, I tricked you into looking at an adoption post. I lured you in with the cute dog hook.

That’s right, this adorable little guy wants to be in your heart forever and ever. Right now, he’s living with some foster people. But look at his face. He wants to love YOU.

His foster family says:

His name is Arnold, and he’s one year old. Jess and I are watching him for a while to help with his leash training and his manners training (he is neutered and housebroken, as Jess reminded me). But he is a love who wants to be your dog.

After he got settled at our place and comfortable, he showed that he wants to learn and be a good boy. He quickly learned to sit and wait for his food, and to wait before he enters the apartment. At first, he’d jump up to say hi, but he’s learned those aren’t good manners, and he’s now doing better.

On walks, he’s doing a very good job already with learning to heel, and he’s been a conscientious walker! He still pulls to go and see dogs, but we’re working with him to move away from that behavior.

He’s very snuggly and very playful, but also very gentle to his friends. Even when we’re playing tug of war with his chewie rope, he never nips or bites.

In short: this dog is awesome. You want this dog. He will be your best friend.

Look at this big stupid smile:

 

If you’re interested (or you know someone who is) and want to get in contact with Arnold’s foster family, please email me at the address on my contact page, and I’ll put you in touch with them. I assume no responsibility for any other part of the process, I’m just the middleman.

And yes, I do have a soft-spot for this dog because he looks just like mine. I really can’t be blamed for that, can I?

 

Good Tuesday, everybody!

Quick announcement for romance/erotic romance readers: S.A. Price, Milly Taiden, Julie Morgan, Bianca Sommeland, TJ Michaels, Tilly Greene, Diana Castilleja, AD Roland, Marianne Morea, Sasha White and I have formed a multi-author mailing list and Facebook group where you can get news about our new releases and other authorly goings-on. It’s a great way to check out what’s happening and maybe find some new authors you might like. You can join the brand new Facebook group right here, and find information about the newsletter there, too.

BRIDE OF THE WOLF IS BACK!

My 2011 novella, Bride Of The Wolf, is available again! If you’re a fan of paranormal romance with shape shifters, historical romance with paranormal elements, or romances with disabled heroes, this book should be right up your alley.

 

Betrothed to the heir of Lord Canis, Aurelia finds herself thrown to the wolves. The Canis Clan are no ordinary warriors, but beasts raging beneath the skin of men. Their name chills the heart of every man in Britannia, though the heart of one maiden may be saved… 

Once a mighty warrior in high esteem among the Clan, Sir Raf Canis knows all too well the dangers Aurelia will face in her new role as Lady of Blackens Gate. Tasked with the humiliating errand of delivering his brother’s intended, Raf instead finds himself fighting for her life–and falling into an impossible love that he cannot deny. 

Content Warning: This book contains ableist language and attitudes in the context of its historical setting, as well as mentions of suicide, which may be triggering or upsetting to some readers. 

Amazon

Smashwords

Today is Valentine’s Day, the day when we celebrate love and romance and, if numerous shadowy complications hadn’t arisen for the embattled franchise, a day when we we should have been not enjoying ourselves at a hate screening of Fifty Shades Darker. But we live in a cruel world in which we were robbed of that outcome. What do we do in the meantime?

We watch Fifty Shades of Grey together.

Here’s how it works:

You download this MP3. It’s me, watching the movie and making frustrated, disbelieving comments about how stupid it is. To be absolutely clear: this is not a Wizard People, Dear Reader version of Fifty Shades of Grey. It’s not a MST3K style parody. It’s just me, watching the movie, complaining, making snarky asides, and at one point rolling a j and toking up while doing those things. Think of it as a DVD commentary made by someone who not only was never involved with the project, but who also holds said project in the highest contempt.

You somehow procure the unrated version of Fifty Shades of Grey. You can either buy the DVD or the streaming video, or do that thing I’m never supposed advocate on my blog ever, because it makes me just as bad as a war criminal or something. But you know what I’m totally not driving at. Whatever method you choose, just make sure that you’re using the unrated, extended cut.

Start the MP3 when when the Focus logo starts to fade. The Focus logo has a little two-chord tune, and as soon as it ends, the logo begins to dim. If you hit “play” on the MP3 right then, the movie and the MP3 should exist in beautiful harmony together.

And that’s it. The experience of viewing Fifty Shades of Grey as though I were in your home, loudly bitching about pretty much every scene (although there are times when I get caught up in actually watching it, because I’m trash).

Have a happy Valentine’s Day, everybody!

Quick rundown of the episode: Pullo has become a the happy humming murderer, in the employ of Erastes Fulmen. He’s spending his days basically murdering and getting high. Meanwhile, Vorenus is doing his magistrate duties, which clearly bore him. A friend from the XIII is back in town to cause trouble. And basically everyone feels the Vorenus family has forgotten that they didn’t used to have such a nice apartment with so many slaves, including the soldiers who served with Lucius, who now want a reward from Caesar for helping make them emperor.

There is a lot of controversy over a new chair Caesar bought. Oh, and the fact that he’s now officially dictator for life. There are drawings all over the city of Brutus stabbing the shit out of Caesar, and basically all Brutus’s mother’s friends are like, “You probably need to stab Caesar.”

Atia throws a party, and Caesar invites Niobe, who shows up in a dress Atia describes as “vulgar”. The shine is coming off the whole “my husband, the magistrate” thing for poor Niobe.

Pullo murders a guy in broad daylight and gets caught, so he ends up on trial. Which isn’t great, but there’s nothing anybody can really do about it, since the guy he murdered is openly anti-Caesar, and if Octavian or Vorenus or Caesar himself intervened, it would look like Caesar is getting his fingers into the criminal justice system to off his political enemies. Pullo’s lawyer is crap, so he’s condemned to the arena. At first, he refuses to fight, but the gladiators provoke him by talking shit about the XIII. Then he becomes an absolute killing machine. Vorenus watches tearfully from the sidelines, until it’s pretty clear Pullo isn’t going to beat the final boss. Vorenus charges into the arena, finishes the boss battle, and helps Pullo out.

Caesar decides that since Brutus is depicted as his assassin on literally every wall in Rome, maybe it’s a good idea to send Brutus to Macedonia. They have a huge fight, and Brutus tells Caesar there’s no way he’s going to be sent away to Macedonia for a year. He goes home and tells him mom that, yeah, it’s time to kill Caesar.

My favorite part of the episode: How does one even get over Vorenus storming into the arena to rescue Pullo? Or the pain on Vorenus’s face as he’s watching his friend somehow manage to take on gladiator after gladiator.

My least favorite part of the episode: Brutus’s turn to the dark side (or light, from a certain point of view). You know it’s coming, but I felt like Brutus’s arc didn’t get as much attention from the script as other characters did, and his is arguably one of the most interesting storylines in the show. I wish we could have seen his motivation develop more gradually, and in more than one or two scenes per episode.

Favorite costume:  Niobe’s dress. I don’t see what’s wrong with it, either.

 

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Atia, because she’s banging James Purefoy again, which makes her the winner, no contest.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

What was said (I think):“they see my wretched name”
What I heard: “They see my erection” #LegionXIII #Misheard

— Jessica Jarman (@jessjarman) February 9, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? I don’t know that she would steal any of these costumes, necessarily, but I’m betting she covets many of the fine textiles in this family portrait:

Guess Jess’s head canon. The Jarmada sailed, every ship with its sails unfurled, during the arena scene and Pullo’s subsequent rescue.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s and Jess’s posts, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season one, episode eleven, “The Kalends of February”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

Sorry for the lapse in recaps. I hope you found something just as boring and frustrating to read in the meantime. Shall we get right to it, then?

Some of you have asked about a few of my past releases that aren’t available for purchase anymore. Well, that’s because the publishing rights for some of my novellas have reverted to me, and several of them will be re-released as refurbished self-pub titles.

The first of these is Bride of the Wolf, a paranormal historical romance, which releases Tuesday, February 16th:

Betrothed to the heir of Lord Canis, Aurelia finds herself thrown to the wolves. The Canis Clan are no ordinary warriors, but beasts raging beneath the skin of men. Their name chills the heart of every man in Britannia, though the heart of one maiden may be saved…

Once a mighty warrior in high esteem among the Clan, Sir Raf Canis knows all too well the dangers Aurelia will face in her new role as Lady of Blackens Gate. Tasked with the humiliating errand of delivering his brother’s intended, Raf instead finds himself fighting for her life–and falling into an impossible love that he cannot deny.

Bride of The Wolf will be available on Amazon and Smashwords on Tuesday, February 16th, other retailers to follow.

Quick rundown of the episode: In a final bit of humiliation, Cicero and Brutus go before the senate and say Caesar should be declared emperor of Rome. And Caesar is like, “Cool, thanks. By the way, if any of you fuckers step out of line again, I’ll murder you.”

Servillia is still recovering from the brutal attack by Atia’s men, and Atia stops by to pretend to care and to call Brutus a coward. Also, to invite Servillia to sit with the family at Caesar’s triumph. And Servilia plays the game right back, asking where Octavia went and why. Octavia has joined a cult that encourages self-harm, since, you know. Her girlfriend of two years tricked her into incest. Octavian shows up to take Octavia home, but she doesn’t want to go. This is only the latest incident in which Octavia is made to do something she doesn’t want to because her family’s public appearance is more important than her happiness.

Speaking of people not wanting their kids to be happy, Servilia continues to passive-aggressively remind Brutus that he should have killed himself rather than submit to Caesar. She starts a little book club of traitors with Quintus Pompey and Casius, and even writes a treasonous pamphlet in Brutus’s name. Which, you know, isn’t a great idea. Servilia isn’t so much concerned with restoring the Republic as she is getting back at the Julii, which Brutus points out. But it’s cool, Caesar is fine with Brutus, probably because he recognizes Servilia’s writing after eight years of corresponding via scroll.

Lucius Vorenus has started his political career, and he’s not really very good at it. Posca is trying to do a kind of Pretty Woman thing, trying to turn a soldier into a magistrate, but Niobe isn’t as good at handling the people as Vorenus is. Also, there are hired goons willing to remove hecklers, like at a Trump rally. Pullo, meanwhile, is going through the unemployment blues. He’s been told he can’t march in Caesar’s triumph, which is kind of shitty seeings as how he basically saved Rome and stuff. But he’s got a plan. He’s going to win Eirene’s heart by buying her freedom from slavery, and then he’s going to marry her.

Caesar’s triumph is a big deal. Everyone gathers in the forum to watch Caesar ride in on a chariot with his face all painted with blood, and hey, remember Vercingetorix, king of the Gauls? He’s been in prison this whole time. They tart him up and trot him out to be executed in front of the cheering, happy crowd. If you want to know how they execute him, ride in the backseat of Bronwyn Green’s Saturn Ion with the seatbelt on. That, but then you just get left to rot in the town square.

Pullo buys Eirene’s freedom and goes back to the Aventine to give her the good news and a brand new dress. She’s as happy as he expected her to be. As is the man she’s in love with, another slave in the Vorenus household. Hearing this, Pullo snaps and smashes the guy’s head into a column over and over until he kills him. While Eirene screams and Niobe tries to comfort her, Vorenus scolds Pullo for scaring the children and destroying Vorenus’s property. Vorenus feels disrespected, and he and Pullo nearly come to blows (not that kind, Jess), and Pullo leaves. In a tavern, Erastes Fulmen approaches him and offers him a job, which, you know, is probably not a great offer to take.

My favorite part of the episode: It’s a very small moment, but when Vercingetorix’s body is dumped in the garbage, a small group of Gauls take quietly from the city and build a funeral pyre as a proper sendoff.  It’s pretty touching.

My least favorite part of the episode: Eirene’s screaming after Pullo kills her boyfriend. I dreaded it on this rewatch, and even watching the episode again to write the summary, I muted it. That actress is amazing, because those screams have haunted me since the first time I saw this air on HBO years ago. Like, this scene is Adriana-getting-dragged-out-of-the-car-on-The-Sopranos level haunting for me.

Favorite costume: 

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Servilia. She wrote political propaganda to attack her former lover, and is cooking up a campaign to destroy his whole family. I admire her dedication.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet:

Trump: “I’d like to see Vorenus’ Roman birth certificate.” #LegionXIII

— Gabriel Fortin (@gfortin_05) February 2, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? Niobe’s blue stola:

Guess Jess’s head canon. I feel like she’s probably looking forward to the comfort side of some hurt/comfort.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s and Jess’s posts, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season one, episode eleven, “The Spoils”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!