I’m supposed to be on a blogging hiatus. Is it really too much to ask that 50 Shades related foolishness just pause for a minute? Yet, like the cop sidekick in an action movie, I was so close to going home and saying goodbye to this dangerous life, and then I got shot.

Shot in the face with the most absurdly staged news story in the history of all time.

In a twist unlike any that has ever happened to any other hotly anticipated retelling of a blockbuster novel, Grey, the retold  50 Shades of Grey, has been stolen and is in grave danger of being leaked to the general public.

Oh, how terrible it must feel when one rewrites the first novel of their series from the hero’s perspective, only to find it has cruelly been leaked ahead of release day! Probably not as bad as someone plagiarizing your entire series, then turning around and putting out their own version of the spin-off novel you wrote and shelved because it was leaked to the public, and claiming that their novel was also leaked, because they don’t just want to rip off your intellectual property, they want to absorb your entire life and become you.

Something like that.

Now, I’m not saying this was James’s idea. But I am saying that a publicist is at work on this one. What are the odds, really, that:

• Stephenie Meyer publishes the Twilight series.
• Stephenie Meyer begins work on Midnight Sun.
• Midnight Sun is leaked online
• Stephenie Meyer shelves Midnight Sun indefinitely.

and then

• E.L. James is “inspired” by Twilight and writes 50 Shades of Grey.
• E.L. James announces the publication of Grey.
• Grey is allegedly stolen from the printers.

Obviously there’s no chance of Grey being shelved or even postponed because God is dead, just like I am on the inside. But I’m sorry, it’s just too coincidental that a series plagiarizing Twilight just so happens to have a companion novel told from the hero’s perspective a la Midnight Sun, and it also just so happens to get stolen and possibly leaked, especially when the printing company is apparently not having it, either:

A spokeswoman for CPI UK confirmed it is printing the 50 Shades of Grey companion novel Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey As Told by Christian, but said: “I doubt it’s gone missing from one of our printworks seeing as I haven’t heard about it.”

Here’s hoping that James choses to rip off the rest of Meyers’s career arc, and vanish without fanfare.

Now it’s back to the hiatus hole for me.

By now, every single author with a summer release knows that their book is doomed to fall into the black hole that is Grey, E.L. James’s regurgitation of her blockbuster novel 50 Shades of Grey. A title like Grey is like an event horizon. It will suck everything into its gravity with no chance of escape. All other books will come to a standstill, approaching, but never reaching, the sales success they would have had if Grey hadn’t come crashing into the market. And it doesn’t just happen to small books. Big, splashy titles will be affected, and you’ll see regular NYT #1-ers failing to reach the spot.

In other words, fiction sales this summer are “fifty shades of fucked up.”

So, if Grey is expected to sell out its unheard of print run (1.25 million copies in its first printing), why does it need to be prominently advertised on other titles? Oh, for example…

If you can’t see the graphic, it’s a screen shot of the Amazon page for my book, The Boss (which is free and, from what I understand, pretty fantastic, so check it out if you want). Before the reader browsing through the page can even reach the book’s description, there’s an add imploring the consumer to visit the Kindle store page for Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey as Told by Christian, and providing links to “More ‘Fifty Shades’ titles.”

In other words, “Before you have a chance to read about this book you were interested in a minute ago, might we redirect you to this other one, instead?”

Besides the fact that this creepily implies a similarity between the two titles (or the author’s tacit approval of the franchise), it’s a low blow to authors who just want to break even. My books are fairly successful, and share something of a crossover audience with the Fifty series. But tons of other authors have seen this ad pop up on their pages, too. The titles don’t even need to have anything in common with Grey; while my book is seemingly a shoe-in for readers who like BDSM billionaire soap operas, one author reported seeing it on her “very, very, very gay” all-male menage book. One saw it on her erotic thriller’s page. If your book is erotic romance or erotica of any flavor, it appears to wear the Grey badge of awful.

So, what gives, Amazon? Grey is already #1 in both the Kindle store and among regular books. It is a part of the bestselling fiction series of all time. It has a first print run of 1.25 million copies. Does it really, truly need sales so bad as to potentially drive them away from authors who sell less? One author who found her product page bearing the advertisement reported that she “barely broke” a thousand dollars in profit last year, a far cry from the $95 million James made in 2013. The ad showed up on the product page for one author who reports selling approximately 120 ebooks per year. 120. What compels the logic that E.L. James desperately needs those 120 readers to see her title and potentially drive readers from that 120 copy selling author to Grey? And that author has no hope of seeing her book placed prominently on the Grey product page.

According to Publisher’s Weekly, Vintage Press, James’s publisher, doesn’t feel the book needs any advertisement at all:

When asked why Vintage announced the book just two weeks before its on sale date, Bogaards said, it’s what E.L. James, nee Erika Mitchell, wanted. “Erika wanted this to be a surprise for her readers, and the only amplification that was necessary on our end was to point press to her tweet [about the publication], which we did.”

So, if a simple tweet will suffice to drive the sales of this book (and it absolutely will and has), I have to ask…why would anyone go the extra mile to potentially squash the sales of other authors? Maybe I’m just not retail savvy enough to understand it. Either Amazon is behind the campaign (possible) or Vintage Press has sprung for the placement (more possible). Either way, the retail behemoth has to understand that Grey is guaranteed money in their pockets with or without this advertisment, so it doesn’t make sense to undercut sales of other titles.

 

I guess the lesson we can all learn from this is that there is no coattail so small that E.L. James’s masterwork cannot ride it.

50 Shades of Grey is the Hotel California of books. You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.

Stopping just short of actually peeling Stephenie Meyer like an orange and making a Silence of The Lambs suit out of her, E.L. James has decided that what the world needs, what we really, really need, is for her to crash her new title, Grey, a retelling of 50 Shades of Grey, from Christian’s POV.

I hope this is a fan-made graphic and not the actual cover to the follow up of a billion-dollar trilogy, because I expect to see this kind of thing pop up on a stock cover site.

But I know what a lot of you are thinking, because I fell asleep on my phone last night and woke up this morning to a vibrator going off underneath my neck. So the answer is, yes.

Yes. I am going to recap it.

Grey comes out on June 18th. I’ll be leaving for my annual trip to the U.P., where I will begin writing The Baby, so I won’t be able to begin recaps on Grey until after that. So Grey recaps will start on June 29th.

Romance Ink sent out this email today that may be of interest to people wanting to attend Authors After Dark in Atlanta this year!

Hello everyone!

We at Authors After Dark were made aware of a SERIOUS problem for readers for the 2015 year. Apparently the SOUTH starts school early—- Like end of July and early August, and we had NO IDEA! (please forgive us, the Con director is from NY and the staff are all from the northern states, and school doesn’t start there for the most part till after Labor Day.)

So this, is a problem for a LOT of south dwelling readers who are desperate to attend, but have put off getting their tickets because they were trying to make the event work.

 

“And these are the last words I have to say
It’s always hard to say goodbye
But now it’s time to put this book away” -Billy Joel, “Famous Last Words”

When I was at the lowest point in my career, on food stamps, depressed, suicidal, I got a phone call from my agent. She had a line on some work-for-hire, and she asked if I would be interested in it. It wasn’t going to pay great, but it would pay for Christmas presents, at least. I told her I would talk to the guy looking for a writer, and tried not to get my hopes up.

That guy, Nick Harris, called me a few days later. He sounded like the narrator from those old Paddington Bear shows. He had an idea, and it sounded brilliant. Hamlet and Romeo as ghostbuster-type characters. Once I hung up, I realized how ridiculous that idea sounded, I think his accent just made it sound really smart. But he was enthusiastic about working with me, we seemed to be on the same page in terms of how we developed ideas, and he believed I was capable of bringing his idea to life.

Over the span of a few months, with the input of my agent, Miriam Kriss, we shaped that original idea into the book Such Sweet Sorrow. And over those months, I had one of the worst mental health crashes of my life. And I got a call from Nick, making sure I was okay, telling me not to stress about the project, that my health was more important, and he would still be ready to work with me once I was better.

We did work together more. First, on the sequel to Such Sweet Sorrow, then on a few television ideas. For the first time in a long, long time, someone actually believed in my abilities and didn’t see me as a failure. And I wasn’t the only person he showed this kind of enthusiastic faith to. He believed in all sorts of writers he worked with, and all sorts of projects. He seemed to just love to create, and genuinely admired people who had that in common. Another person who worked with him said she felt he created opportunities where there were obstacles. That might be the best explanation of what it was like to work with Nick.

I found out on Friday that Nick passed away. I knew he had cancer, but every time we communicated at all, he would insist that nothing had changed, he was just going to have some chemo, he would be back in the office in a week. It was always “in a week.” The last time he told me that was in February, when I told him I thought it wasn’t a great idea to start a graphic novel project right now. I didn’t want to create another project when he had other things to worry about. I figured we would just work on it when the whole cancer thing was over. It never once occurred to me that that there was another possible outcome to cancer being “over,” mostly because he was so cheerful about downplaying it. Like he had the flu or something.

It’s a bummer, when someone you’ve worked with building a whole fictional world is gone, and you’re the only person left who really knows it from the inside. Combining our ideas was exciting and fun, even when we disagreed on stuff. Going back to edit the sequel is going to be like going back to an empty room. It’s incredibly hard to believe I’m never going to get another phone call with a borderline insane idea on the other end of the line. Or that I’ll never stay up all night working on something, only to send it to him and have him suggest we scrap the whole thing and work on this other thing instead, and can I get it finished by tomorrow? Or show him something I think is crap, only to have him tell me how amazing it is. He believed in me and my abilities when a lot of people didn’t, and I never told him how much that means to me.

You know, writing is a business, and I say that over and over again, but in this business, we’re all idiots if we think we don’t affect each others’ lives when we develop these connections. Fiction is personal. It takes trust and faith to share your work with someone else, and to believe that they’re going to respect you creatively. So, all of my writer friends, my editors, bloggers I know, readers, everybody who had touched me through writing, I just really appreciate you. And I don’t want to pass up the chance to tell you that. So, since I didn’t get a chance to tell him how much that connection matters to me, I’m telling you, before I have to say goodbye to any other amazing people without having the chance to say it: I appreciate you.

Nick Harris supported the charity The Rape Foundation, so I’m leaving the link here for donation-minded folks.

In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone really doesn’t want to do this episode, in a very real, very visceral way. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

1. Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
2. Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
3. Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
4. Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
5. Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
6. The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
7. All the monsters look like wieners.
8. If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
9. Angel is a dick.
10. Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
11. Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
12. Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
13. Science and technology are not to be trusted.
14. Mental illness is stigmatized.
15. Only Willow can use a computer.
16. Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
17. Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
18. Oz is the Anti-Xander
19. Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
20. Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
21. The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
22. Smoking is evil.
23. Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
24. How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it. 

Okay! So everyone has been asking, and now I’m telling you: The Baby will be out on November 10, 2015.

Now, for news about First Time! We have a cover:

 

The book will be out August 4, 2015, and it’s available for pre-order from the following retailers:

First Time (Ian’s Story)

Barnes & Noble • iBooks • Smashwords

First Time (Penny’s Story)

Barnes & Noble • iBooks • Smashwords

Pre-orders for Kobo and Amazon are still coming (Amazon has different requirements for pre-orders, otherwise I’d have it up now), and Penny’s book will be on Barnes & Noble soon!

We’re all in agreement that some people out there are terrible, right? Well, here is a list of the most memorable terrible people that I met working retail.

Tomorrow I’ll be on a plane, flying to the great state of Texas for the first of two Texas trips in May. This time, I’m headed to Dallas, for the Romantic Times convention. There are several ways to meet me this week:

THE GIANT BOOK FAIR! Come to the Dallas Hyatt Regency at 300 Reunion blvd between 11am and 2pm on Saturday, May 16th, for the giant book fair. There will be tons of authors in attendance, including me! Swing by my table for swag and stuff.

EDIT: I was unaware that there was a $10 cover fee for the giant book fair. So just heads up.

IF YOU ARE ATTENDING THE ROMANTIC TIMES CONVENTION, I WILL BE IN CLUB RT THURSDAY AND FRIDAY AT 2PM.

SUPER BIG IMPORTANT SWAG NEWS

IF YOU COME OUT AND SEE ME, EITHER IN CLUB RT OR AT THE BOOK FAIR, YOU WILL RECEIVE A BOUND KEEPSAKE BOOK WITH THE COVER AND SNEAK PEEK OF FIRST TIME

I WILL ALSO HAVE “PROPERTY OF NEIL ELWOOD” BRACELETS AND I’LL BE REVEALING THE RELEASE DATE FOR THE BABY!

SUPER BIG IMPORTANT BOOK NEWS!

Not only will I be revealing the cover and a first-look at First Time at the Romantic Times convention, I’ll be revealing the cover right here on the blog and the Trout Nation newsletter (sign up link is in the menu bar) on Monday, May 19th.  I’ll also be revealing the release date for The Baby at the same time.

SUPER BIG EVEN IMPORTANT-ER BOOK NEWS!

THE BOSS COMES TO AUDIO! The audio book version of The Boss releases on May 26th from Tantor Media, narrated by CJ Bloom!

First Time pre-sale! Pre-sale orders for First Time open this week for iBooks, Barnes & Noble, Smashwords, and Kobo (sorry, Amazon buyers, due to KDP requirements, your pre-order probably won’t start until July). More information when it’s available!

That’s all the news that’s fit to print! Follow me on Twitter (@jenny_trout) to get updates from the Romantic Times convention. This should be fun!

I haven’t done Wednesday blogging in a while. What can I say? I have commitment problems. But this Wednesday, I have the opportunity to tell you all about my favorite beauty products. So I’m about to.

Note: As I started writing this, I realized I started to fall in and out Sophie’s voice. Sophie’s entire personality is the part of me that cares deeply for indulgent goodies and stuff that paints up your face like a goddamn work of art.

The Perfect Red Lipstick

You know what I love about red lipstick? Even if you have no other makeup on, even if your hair is in a scrunchie you’ve had since 1991 and you haven’t showered in three days because your hot water heater is broken, red lipstick transforms you into a deity of pure, attractive badassitude. But finding the right red? Ha, good luck. But last fall, I found two amazing shades of red that look perfect on me.

Urban Decay’s “Mrs. Mia Wallace,” from their Pulp Fiction collection, and MAC’s “Viva Glam Rihanna 1.” One or both are always in my purse.

Eye Liner Pens

I will never use pencil or gel again. Whoever invented the eye liner pen, which is a very fine felt-tip marker with eye liner instead of ink. My favorite is Stila’s “Stay All Day” waterproof eyeliner.

 

I love to do cat eyes and wings, but when I was using gel, it was anyone’s guess how it would turn out, and pencil rubbed right off. This thing? This thing is pro. It’s not as dark as Urban Decay’s eyeliner pen, but I’ve always found that the Urban Decay pen gives you a very finite amount of time to do your lines, or it starts lifting as you overlap the color. This, you can go over and over the line until it’s just right, and it’s much easier to remove in case of mistakes.

Bubble Bars

Lush bubble bars leave your skin soft and smelling amazing. Also, lots and lots of bubbles, for taking bathtub selfies while you’re high and sending them to all of your friends.

 

Eyeshadow Primer

Urban Decay’s Eyeshadow Primer Potion is the best primer I’ve ever used. If I fall into bed without taking my makeup off (i.e., every single time I wear makeup), my eyeshadow, eyeliner, it’s all still on, pretty much perfect when I wake up in the morning. It’s sorcery.

 

Eyelash Curler

The only eyelash curler I’ve ever purchased that didn’t make me furious within four or five uses.  Yay, Tarte!

Bonus? It comes with a free sample of their Lights, Camera, Lashes mascara. Which is also in the running for my favorite mascara of all time.

Three Hundred Dollar Face Cream

Okay, let’s just establish that this is not something that I bought. It was given to me as a gift from a website I was writing for. And I will never, ever have it again:

 

This shit was something else. It made my face so tight, I thought I would never age. I used a spatula to get the very last dregs out of the jar. Because there is no way, even if I won the lottery, there is no fucking way I will ever, ever have any of this again. I could not even bring myself to spend that much money on it when I can get some off-brand Oil of Olay shit for nine bucks.

Wanna know what the other Wednesday bloggers picked as their favorites? Check out their entries:

Bronwyn Green • Jessica Jarman • Gwendolyn Cease • Kayliegh Jones • Kellie St. James • Jessica De La Rosa • Kris Norris • Paige Prince