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You might not believe this. I know that I certainly don’t. But April 18th, 2022 is the TENTH BIRTHDAY OF THE JEALOUS HATERS BOOK CLUB.

Our very first installment, way back before the club had a name, 50 Shades of Grey, chapter one, or why Ana is the shittiest friend ever, debuted to what I assumed would be an extremely limited audience. My career was stalled; I had nothing left to lose and nothing else going on. But within less than twenty-four hours of that first post, the recaps were on their way to becoming viral. The second recap, posted a day after the first one, already featured a fan art contribution. By the eighth recap, I was receiving hate mail and all sort of unhinged accusations from two different authors’ fan armies. And by the time I finished the book in June of that year (remember, when my output was much faster?), my blog had received more visitors than the annual total of the Space Needle.

The Jealous Hater Book Club put me on the map and allowed me to branch out with viral essays and tv appearances about other subjects. My bone-deep hatred of Fifty Shades of Grey led to one of my biggest literary successes in The Boss, a series of erotic fiction that has sold over a million copies, was published in more languages than I kept track of, and has found a new audience—and twenty-four million views—on the Radish app. Most recently, Jealous Haters Book Club spawned a private Patreon club, Jealous Patrons Book Club, in which I continue to skewer books that are, frankly, total ass. Jealous Haters Book Club has changed my life, brought so many of you cool people into it, and I’m freaking shocked that it’s all lasted this long.

And of course, this special anniversary happens on a fucking Monday.

So, like a kid whose birthday falls on a Wednesday, the party is happening on Saturday. Drop by YouTube Live on April 23, 2:00 pm to ???? (until question marks means the party’s really gonna be rocking) for a live reading of the original recaps (full disclosure? I have not read them since ten years ago), chit-chat, gossip, and cake.

You can’t have cake, though. Because the internet hasn’t evolved to the point that I could share it with you. But Mr. Jen FOOLISHLY said, “You can’t eat a whole sheet cake by yourself.” So obviously, I’m gonna try to eat a whole sheet cake by myself live on the internet.

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If you can’t stop by, then allow me to express my heartfelt thanks to you right now: if you came to the recaps late, thanks for coming. If you were here from day one, thanks for spreading the word and making my Fifty Shades of Grey recaps bigger than I ever intended them to be. And to everyone who came for those recaps and stayed to make fun of books from the problematic to the just boring, thanks for sticking around.

I honestly cannot thank Trout Nation enough. All I did was write the recaps. You all made the community. I’m just lucky to be the weirdo at the center of it.

Due to a change in YouTube’s mobile streaming policy…

SATURDAY NIGHT TAROT IS BACK!

You can find the link to the live stream and the question box here.

I’ve gone with “Trout Nation Tarot Club” rather than “FItshaced Fortuneteller” because I recently learned that “fortuneteller” is perjorative/appropriative to some people and it’s better safe that hurt somebody’s feelings!

It’s so much fun, so stop by!

Is this a goals post? Halfway through the month?

Let me tell you why.

This was my goals list for February:

• 4 ACOTAR posts
• 2 chapters TBCVT
• 2 chapters Queen of Hell
• 2 crave posts
• 5 “episodes” werewolves
• 2 videos

That little star there by one of them? That’s a gold star from January that sticks over the line due to enthusiasm. Because, you see, I didn’t get too many of my goals for February.

And this time? It’s not procrastination. It’s an amazing reason, which I cannot full explain to you yet, but which has to do with one of the goals I achieved. But I won’t get ahead of myself.

First goal, the A Court of Thorns and Roses recap over on my Patreon? Yeah, I made that goal. Pretty much because I hate the book soooooo much… flames. On the sides of my face, etc. The fast I pump those recaps out, the sooner I’ll be done with that book. Honestly, if I were doing it for free? I would have abandoned it by now. It’s just. It’s so bad and I hate it so much and I feel such dread at the rise in popularity of books “inspired” (read: lazily copied from) that series. But I managed to get four chapters worth of recaps and book club discussion posts finished, so I’m a powerhouse.

Since you read this blog, you’re aware that I didn’t get two chapters of The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp posted. I didn’t get two chapters of Queen of Hell done, either. Crave posts? I did manage to get two of those posted here. Two videos? I did film them. But an error with the sound meant I couldn’t post them.

Which brings me to “5 episodes werewolves,” and the reason some of my goals got shoved off the back burner and down the garbage disposal. And I’m not even down on myself about it. I can’t make an official announcement yet, but I can tell you that not only did I succeed at that goal, way beyond five episodes, I sold the project.

So, what does that mean?

• Abigail Barnette is coming out of retirement
• to write high-heat urban fantasy
• about werewolves
• for the Radish Fiction app

Yup. Only a year after retirement, the Abigail Barnette brand is getting an overhaul. I represented myself for a Nice Deal with Radish, in a three “season” deal (they do episodes instead of chapters and seasons instead of books), and that’s about all I can say at this time. However, that means I’ve been writing my butt off on a project that I’m so enthusiastic about, in a way I haven’t been gripped by a project in a while.

Oh, and the turn-around is absolutely bonkers, so that deadline is a huge motivator.

So, what are my goals for March, you might be asking?

Due to the aforementioned deal, my goals for March are:

• 4 ACOTAR posts
• 46 episodes TBTAK (the werewolf project)
• 2 videos

We’ll see how this goes.

How did you all do on your goals for February? Any goals for March? Talk about it in the comments!

First of all, the title of this chapter makes no sense. If I asked you one adjective to describe libraries, I think “quiet” would be one of the first that came to your mind. Quiet places aren’t exactly known for their ability to muffle sounds. Wear really, really squeaky boots to an uncarpeted courtroom and see.

It’s more like… at hockey games, no one can hear you scream.

But that’s not the only “Have you ever been in a library?” moment I had during this chapter.

Sorry for skipping this one. My brain hasn’t been right lately. My original intention was to do chapters nine and ten together because chapter ten was so short. But I guess I only followed through with half that plan. And not in the right order.

And a good day to you, and you, and you.

It’s the second month of the year and, frankly, I’m pretty happy with how my relationship to goal setting and productivity developed in January. Let’s take a look at the goals I set for myself for what turned out to be one of the most brutal and unhappy months of my entire life:

• • 4 ACOTAR posts Well, I didn’t make this goal. I made half the goal, though, and in a month where I lost my best friend and two relatives to, you know, death, I’m really proud that I got halfway and didn’t just get overwhelmed and shut down my Patreon altogether. “Wait,” you might be asking. “You have a Patreon where you’re currently shredding Sarah J. Maas’s A Court of Thorns and Roses to bits in sheer frustration, the same way you approached your classic Fifty Shades of Grey recaps?” Yes, friend. I do. And while I’m committed to producing two recaps per month, I really would rather do one per week. If I go at that pace, we’ll be done with the book in June, just in time for me to head off on my annual writing retreat to the Upper Peninsula and you’ll be able to vote on the next title while I’m gone. But that’s a larger goal. We’re thinking monthly.
  • 1 chapter TBCVT Here’s one I get a lil’ star for! I managed to post a chapter of The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp.
  • upload Bound in Brass I managed to accomplish this one, too! I didn’t have much of a choice, because once you put up a pre-order, retailers get real, real strict about deadlines. I put off formatting and uploading because of grief and ended up formatting and uploading while suffering from Covid-19. This has taught me an important lesson: no procrastination in times of plague. But I got it done and uploaded with time to spare, and you can buy it (if you didn’t have a chance to grab it before it went out of print for the first time) at Smashwords or Amazon.
  • 1 chapter In The Blood This is the book I meant to lightly polish and re-release. Then it turned into much darker erotic horror. Darkness didn’t fit with the theme of me surviving the month, so we can let this one slide.
  • 1 chapter Queen of Hell Slowly but surely, the follow-up to my YA novel, Nightmare Born, is getting written. I completed a new chapter and even went through and tightened up my outline.
  • 1 video Do you love Stardew Valley but wish you could see someone play it while being very, very high? Well, another installment of my Jenny Destroys the Wholesomeness of Stardew Valley series is up. I’m still trying to get to 1,000 followers so I can use mobile data to stream (and therefore do live tarot get-togethers again), so even if you’re not into my videos, hitting that subscribe button would be a huge help. I’m so close!

 

In the past, I would have looked on this past month as a failure, but as I said, my relationship to productivity is changing. January really had a lot to do with that; I was able to look at all the things I did get done despite the horrible circumstances and say, “this is enough.”

Here’s a little secret I learned: forgiving yourself for falling short of the mark makes you actually want to achieve your goals the next time around. This is what I’m trying to achieve in February:

• 4 ACOTAR posts
• 2 chapters TBCVT
• 2 chapters Queen of Hell
• 2 Crave posts
• 5 “episodes” of TBA serialized project
• 2 videos

Will this be a lot of work in a month when I’m playing Sister Mary Patrick in Sister Act: The Musical (playing for four performances February 25-27, tickets available here)? Yes, it sure will be. But I’m gonna try.

How about yous all? Do you have any goals for the month of February? Put them in the comments and come back and see how everybody did in March!

(PS. a side goal is getting that second promised free steampunk short story re-released. Mea culpa, it fell by the wayside with everything else that happened.)

 

bear with me, i’ll be back when i no longer have covid.

Due to lowered brain power, I posted this before I finished writing/posting chapter nine. Hang in there. I’ll do chapter nine next and we can all forget this ever happened.

We did it. We made it through nine whole chapters before we hit the one where my pink-ish flags turned bright, bright red. And then turned into klaxons. And a Dr Pepper commercial.

Need to catch up?

• What is The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp? 
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Prologue
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter One
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Two
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Three
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Four
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Five 
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Six 
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Seven
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Eight 
• The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp: Chapter Nine

THIS CHAPTER IS NSFW BECAUSE TWITTER WANTED TO KNOW HOW A CENTAUR MASTURBATES

Jill and I met in 1994, freshman year gym class. I was brand new. All the other kids were from local Catholic feeder schools. When the teacher sadistically instructed us to pick a partner during the very first day of class, the only two students left without a partner were Jill and me.

But she said I couldn’t be her partner because she’d already partnered up with an invisible friend.

It wasn’t a joke. She refused to be my partner.

That’s how we became friends.

On January 6th, 2022, Jill died suddenly in her sleep.

In the course of our friendship, we went to all sorts of places together. We saw the Liberty Bell together. She pointed at a painting of Benjamin Franklin and John Adams reading the Declaration of Independence as Thomas Jefferson looked on.  She leaned over and said, “Hey, can I get your John Hancock on this?”

It’s still the funniest thing I’ve ever heard anyone say.

Jill found the cold, impersonal nature of the “have a good summer” yearbook signature perfect for birthday cards and books and basically anything she could write on and give to me. She gave me the same birthday card every year. It’s a plain white card with “Happy Birthday! I got you a card! This is the front.” The inside read, “This is the inside.” And on the back, “This is the back.” When I recently directed a show, she came and brought me a card she made. “You directed a show! I got you a card. This is the front.”

Once, we were at the mall. Bath and Body Works had a seasonal candle with Elton John’s name on it. Jill picked it up, took the lid off, inhaled, then said to the sales associate, “This doesn’t smell anything like him.”

My heart is broken.

We had a running joke where we’d always ask each other, “are you mad at me?” We never were. Neither of us could remember a time we were ever in a fight.

When someone dies, their texts and messages don’t disappear. You can still see your ongoing conversation as if it could keep going. I sat in front of our open messenger chat and typed, “This time I really am mad at you.” I couldn’t send it. I don’t want her to think I’m really mad at her. It’s not her fault.

I don’t know how to be me without her.

We both made Spotify playlists about each other. Mine is titled, “Jill and Jen BFFs 4Eva” and she called hers, “IDK, my BFF Jen?” due to the fact that we constantly referenced that old cellphone commercial where the little girl is texting, “IDK, my BFF, Jill?” Both playlists have “our” song, “Little Wonders” by Rob Thomas, on them. They also both have liberal doses of the Spice Girls because they were our thing. 

We had thousands, maybe tens of thousands, probably millions of things that were our thing.

There are more photos of Jill on the walls of my home than there are photos of my kids. To be fair, I’ve known Jill longer.

Once, we spent an entire day using MS Paint to draw “Ghost Frank” (he looks exactly how you’d imagine an MS Paint ghost to look) into photos with the Beach Boys. Ghost Frank is the fifth Beach Boy, no matter what John Stamos thinks. It’s just that nobody acknowledges Ghost Frank because he accused Brian Wilson of stealing his wallet. I tried to joke with Mr. Jen that I had to break the news to Ghost Frank and that he would be devastated. But Mr. Jen didn’t get it. Only Jill would get it.

Jill is gone.

Our jokes, our codes, the language of our friendship is a dead language now. Only one speaker is left and it is impossible to teach. It takes twenty-seven years to become fluent.

Jill is my best friend. Jill is gone.

---

I wrote this throughout the day yesterday after I got the call. I can’t decide who to be or how to be a Jenny who doesn’t have a Jill. So, I’m going to just run on autopilot. I’m going to work, I’m going to rehearsals, I’m going to consider whether or not I could sit through her funeral with dignity or if I can’t bear to think of a life where I’ve been to Jill’s funeral because Jill’s funeral was a thing that happened. But please, as you see me posting content here and over on Patreon, as you see me living my life as usual, please don’t think it’s because I don’t care about her. It’s just because I’m sleep-walking through life with a broken heart.