Just when I thought I was free from the horror show of Chedward and Anabella, here we are. Like some recurring nightmare in which we’re forced to watch a bad movie based on bad fanfic from a bad franchise that had equally bad movies… wait. No, sorry. Not “like.” That is exactly what’s happening here. It should go without saying that since this is Fifty Shades of Grey, TW: rape, domestic abuse, emotional abuse.
When I got on twitter the other day, people were like OMG HAVE YOU SEEN THE TRAILER YET?! And I was like, “I thought that was coming out on Thursday?” and then it turned out to be a trailer for the trailer. Isn’t this a little bit of overkill? The movie doesn’t come out for like seven more months. Is this how desperate the studio is to keep it fresh in our minds? I figured the big trailer release everyone was hungry for was the one that came out on Tuesday. Then I got on twitter this morning (I use the term “morning” loosely because I have not been waking up before double digits lately) and my twitter had a lot of, “I can’t wait to see what @Jenny_Trout thinks of the 50 Shades trailer!” and I was like:
But I’m going to recap it anyway, because all of this movie buzz is just rekindling the bottomless fount of anger that I feel toward these books and the fact that E.L. James called one of my most favorite tweeps a “sad fuck” recently. Shots fired, Erika. Brace for return fire.
The Fifty Shades of Grey trailer opens with some creepy piano notes, and Ana is revealed in all her brown haired, mousey, boring glory as she steps off an elevator:
I know, don’t judge by appearances yadda yadda, but please, please tell me that is a bad wig and not Dakota Johnson’s actual hair that they made her walk around in during her off hours. It looks like a five-year-old grabbed Barbie’s friend Theresa and went to town on her bangs with a pair of safety scissors. Ana’s voice over is heard, saying, “So this is just an interview for the newspaper. I just have a couple of questions.” They do not, however, show Ana asking Chedward if he’s gay. I assume they’re saving that for the movie, and the music will be really suspenseful.
A blonde, probably evil receptionist tells her, “Mr. Grey will see you now.” No mention of the “iced water.” Man, they are teasing the hell out of us, aren’t they? Leaving out all those important scenes that we’re aching for. #TeamIcedWater4Lyfe
It is at this point:
then DRock asked, “Wait, why doesn’t he get with the blonde bitch? She’s hotter.”
DRock is unaware that Mr. Grey only wants to have sex with women who look exactly like his mother. When I tell her this information, she is visibly disgusted.
The trailer cuts from Ana opening the door to Chedward’s office, directly to a shot of Chedward gazing out the enormous glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-steel-and-glass-and-glass-and-steel and-steel windows. So we never get to see Ana spill ass and carpet burn her way across his office. Again, saving the best for the movie, I’d wager.
In voice over, Kate asks Ana what Chedward was like, and she’s all, he was polite and intense and smart and intimidating and he didn’t fall down even once like I did because woe is me I’m so clumsy. Or whatever. I stopped listening halfway through, because I know every line of this movie is going to be bullshit.
Christian tells Ana that he’d like to know more about her, and she says:
“There’s really not much to know about me. Look at me.”
And it is as awkward as it read in the book. Like, cringe inducingly awkward. And it’s not Dakota Johnson’s fault. As Harrison Ford famously said to George Lucas, “You can type this shit, but you can’t say it.” Book dialogue that’s clunky is going to be clunky on screen. So expect this entire movie to be clunky as hell.
I’m going to take one of those little clicker things that people use to count passengers on a train and keep track of all the “Oh my”s that no doubt clutter up a screenplay.
This is how Ana looks at him after saying, “Look at me.” :
And Chedward is all:
And he’s looking at her like this:
There is literally nothing I find sexually attractive about this guy. At all. And not just because he’s playing recreational manipulator Christian Grey, but because he looks like a senior in high school. He actually looks younger than Ana. I’m wondering how this, “Ew, he’s so ancient,” thing is going to work.
Then we see Christian walking Ana to the elevator, and the tense score reaches a climactic crescendo. Mr. Jen asks, “Is this supposed to sound like a horror movie?” My answer: “Yes.”
After a beat, Beyonce’s new, slowed down version of “Crazy In Love” starts, and I’m like, “Please, Bey. Tell my why you did this. You already had enough money. You’re already the most famous person in the world. You’re like, Queen of the United States. Please. Why did you do this?”
We see a montage of shit we remember from the books, like Christian getting his picture taken:
By who I assume is Ana’s forty-three-year-old college friend,
Jacob José. Dios Mío!
And guys. GUYS. guys. The most important part of the entire movie gets glossed over in one quick, blurry shot. You should be outraged. But we finally, FINALLY, get a look at the character we’ve all been waiting for:
Is that Taylor?! I assume that’s Taylor. OMG TAAAAAYLOR. I like how even though he’s blurry, he looks 100% fed up with everything. That is exactly how I imagined him in the books.
Over this, we hear Ana asking Christian why he’s successful, or something, and him saying he exercises control in all things, and then they’re at the coffee place and Ana is like, that sounds boring, and I’m like, “It is.” Then we cut to the elevator scene where he corners her and kisses her, and holds her hands when she tries to push him away. I’m glad they managed to get at least two rapey moments into the trailer.
I’m also glad that we get a look at Charlie Tango. Because again. The most important parts of the book:
I accidentally got the screenshot during a transition, so here are two glimpses at Charlie Tango for the price of one. Also, it makes it look like Chedward is a ghost. This inspires me. Stay tuned for my upcoming novel, The Billionaire’s Haunted Helicopter.
In voice over, Christian tells Ana that he’s “incapable” of leaving her alone, which is super sexy with a dude says that, then isolates you from your friends and family has a private detective find out your banking information. Hot as fuck.
Other fascinating glimpses in this trailer:
The scene where Edward plays Bella the song he wrote for her.
The scene where Edward fights with Jacob to protect Bella.
Cullen family dinner. (Clockwise from 12, Carlisle, Rose, Jasper, Alice, Esme, Edward, and Bella)
Nonconsensual under table finger banging in front of his family.
Hey, remember when we were all hypothesizing that the plagiarism would be even more obvious on screen? Go us, because it totally is.
Then, we get to the scenes everyone was breathlessly waiting for. Red. Room. Of. Pain. And Chedward saying that his tastes are very singular.
Okay, Cheward. Your tastes are not “very” singular. They can’t be a little singular. They’re either singular, or not. Second, lots and lots of people are into the very same stuff you’re into. You’re not special just because the woman who wrote you thought she was being super provocative with her BDSM 101 books.
Here is Jamie Dornan’s audition screen test for the role of Captain America:
Is that an entire drawer full of masks? How many eyes do the girls you date usually have?!
There are shots of the glider ride and some other shit, and Bella asking Edward to “enlighten” her on his big, dark, darkity dark secret, and then:
Mr. Jen asks, “Are there bodies in there?” And I’m like, “Of course not. Mrs. Jones would have already cut them up and scattered their parts around Seattle.”
There’s all those floggers that can’t be properly sterilized, unlike the stainless steel butt toys he replaces between each sub.
There’s that riding crop he’s going to turn her clit into hamburger meat with.
And the trailer ends on a tantalizing shot of Ana, bound and gasping:
As with all movie trailers, they showed basically all the important parts of the story. Except I’m disappointed that we didn’t see Mrs. Jones, or Mrs. Robinson, or the bloody tampon scene, or Kate’s plum dress. Here’s the whole trailer:
So, that’s basically it. That is the reason that my cell phone sounded like a vibrator this morning, from everyone tweeting at me. Is it wrong that I’m a little bit excited for this movie? I have this weird hope that the screen writers will have toned down the abuse and made it something watchable. And if they don’t, it won’t matter, because I’ll be hate-watching it anyway.
For those of you planning to hate-watch like I am, one of my tweeps suggested that we buy the ticket, then donate twice the ticket price to a domestic abuse charity. I think that would be stellar.
Now, in a move that will be seen by some as me using the mention of Fifty Shades of Grey to market my own work in the sleaziest way possible (because it totally is and I just don’t give a fuck), if you have friends and family who love the 50SoG series, recommend my (free) erotic romance, The Boss to them. It’s written using tropes from 50, except for a lot of them I did the exact opposite of what E.L. did. Like, you know. Include informed consent and a hero who isn’t an abusive, manipulative monster. It’s available basically wherever e-books are sold, but here’s the amazon link. Some one-star reviews have called it, “nothing like 50 Shades,” which is basically the best advertisement I could hope for, but I’ve had fans of 50 say they loved it, too. So either way, you might get some entertainment from suggesting it.