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More State of The Trout

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Hey y’all! If you follow me on twitter, you may have noticed the #1 symptom of illness in Jenny Trout: explosive, aimless tweeting. I’m so sick! My husband had this wretched cold, and he passed it to me. I need to really set firm rules for myself and not have sex with that man while he’s ill. In my defense, something about nursing a sick guy back to health really turns my crank.

I’m also getting ready to put up the pre-orders for The Girlfriend. My goal is to have it available for pre-order on the 15th, but let’s see where the wind takes us. Having never done a self-pubbed release this way before, I’m not real sure of how everything goes down.

I know people are missing the Buffy/50 Shades recaps, and those will be back on track soon, but right now everything in my work life is like a clogged pipe or something. Good things are happening– but they’re happening all at once, making things kind of inconvenient.

Before I go, let me share with you some of the highlights of the last three days of illness:

  • I binge watched Orange is The New Black
  • I had to tell my four year old to stop twerking
  • My ten year old started playing Battlefield 3 online. I heard an outraged “He’s TEABAGGING me!” yesterday
  • Strawberry preserves in oatmeal is amazing

Have any of you guys watched Orange is The New Black? What did you think of it? I’m rewatching it with D-Rock, so now at least one person understands the joke when I say, “Don’t fuck me with me. I’m a Russian, I’ll pop your fake titty.”

THE GIRLFRIEND cover reveal, excerpt, and giveaway!

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It’s time to reveal the cover of The Girlfriend!

After the cover, stick around for the blurb, an excerpt, and to find out how you can win the e-book version of The Girlfriend!

The Girlfriend

Unemployed, blacklisted, and pregnant, Sophie Scaife’s life is totally upside down. Her relationship with publishing magnate Neil Elwood is on the rocks. Her best friend’s career is igniting. And Sophie is afraid she’ll make one of the toughest decisions of her life alone…

When a devastating diagnosis forces Neil to return to London, Sophie throws caution to the wind to follow her heart across the Atlantic. Keeping a scorching D/s affair as red-hot in sickness as it was in health is a challenge, even for two lovers as inventive as Sophie and Neil. But Sophie is more than willing to try anything her Sir commands, and their fantasies of control become a welcome refuge from the daily stress of illness.

While Neil’s wealth and privilege make adjusting to her new situation easier, Sophie finds herself rebuilding her life around an uncertain future. And while both of them face the changes between them head-on, they’re all too aware that their happiness could be fleeting—and Sophie could lose Neil forever.

The Girlfriend will be available in paperback and e-book August 20th! Check JennyTrout.com for buy links, and to read the prequel, The Boss, as a pay-what-you-want e-book download!

Enter to win an e-book copy of The Girlfriend in this Rafflecopter giveaway

So, here’s the deal: when I signed bloggers up for the cover reveal, I gave them a choice of either a sweet or a spicy excerpt. But since I’m the author, I can give you both, if I wanna. And that’s what I’m doing. Here’s the sweet one. If you want to read the spicy one, you’ll find it behind a jump at the bottom of the post.

Warning: The following excerpt will probably make you go, “Awwww!”

After a delicious course of vegan plum pudding for dessert, we went back to the drawing room to exchange gifts and have cocktails. We were all happy and relaxed, chatting amicably when Emma, a twinkle in her eyes, said, “Dad, please tell me you made Sophie do the shoe thing.”

“Shoe thing?” I raised an eyebrow.

“There was a tradition my father’s family had when he was a child, and he passed it on to us,” Neil explained. “You left your shoe in the window on Christmas eve, instead of hanging up a stocking by the fireplace.”

“Sophie, you are going to be so confused,” Emma said with a laugh. “There are like twenty-seven Santas in Iceland.”

“Oh no, was I supposed to set out twenty-seven shoes, then?” I teased Neil. “I didn’t even leave out one, the staff here pick everything up the minute you leave it unattended.”

“Not to worry, I did it for you.” He smiled his mysterious half smile and pointed to the tall windows behind the tree.

Rising from the sofa, I went off in the direction he’d pointed. In the corner of the low windowsill, a gorgeous nude-colored Christian Louboutin pump waited with an envelope inside.

I picked up the shoe reverently. It was goddamned beautiful, shiny, and oh, such a sexy tall heel. I slipped one of my own shoes off, took the envelope out of the Loubou, and tried the shoe on immediately. It fit perfectly. I thought of Neil carefully examining my shoes while I had packed. He’d gotten this before we’d left New York.

“What’s in the envelope?” Emma asked, snuggling closer to Michael on the velvet upholstered setee.

I unfolded the paper inside and read the note silently.

My darling Sophie,

The other shoe is waiting for you upstairs. Be sure to pack them when we leave for Paris for New Year’s Eve.

Merry Christmas, and all my love,

N

“Well, what does it say?” Emma demanded.

I raised my head, beaming, momentarily speechless. “Neil is taking me to Paris for New Year’s.”

“Go Dad!” Emma said, giving him a thumbs up. “Very romantic.”

I went to Neil and leaned down to kiss him briefly. I’d save the utter mauling for when we were alone. “Thank you. You’re wonderful.”

“Speaking of romantic,” Michael said, nudging Emma. “Remember when you said you thought Christmas-themed proposals were romantic?”

Neil’s attention shifted sharply. I looked up, my focus drifting with everyone else’s toward Emma and Michael. You could have heard a pin drop as Michael rose from the couch, then took a knee in front of her.

“Oh my god,” Valerie said softly, her hand flying up to her mouth.

The expression on Neil’s face echoed Valerie’s sentiment, but for the opposite reason. His facial “Oh my god,” was more like, “Oh my god, that bear is eating my loved one.”

“Emma, I am… so in love with you,” Michael said, his voice breaking with emotion. “And I know how important family is to you. So that’s why I wanted them with us when we started our family together. Emma, will you marry me?”

My knees went weak at the adorableness. A tear rolled down Emma’s cheek, and she wiped it away with her knuckle as she nodded frantically, and giggled, “Yes!

Warning: The following excerpt is hot, hot, hot! NSFW, most definitely.

The Big Damn Writing Tracker!

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The other day, I noticed something astonishing. Since January 1st of 2013, I have written over three hundred thousand words.

Obviously, I ran straight to Twitter to report, because twitter or it didn’t happen, right?. My tweeps were astonished– not by how much I had written, but by the fact that I knew how much I had written.

When I got my start writing, I was a part of a critique group. We reported our daily and weekly writing totals to each other via an email loop, so from the very beginning, I’ve always taken meticulous care to note my word counts (well, in the beginning, it was page counts, but stay with me). It never once occurred to me that other writers weren’t doing this, as well.

I thought about sharing my spreadsheet to show exactly how I’ve got mine set up. But mine is like, super depressing and not fancy at all. I thought, well, Troutnation is so nice to me, I’m going to do something nice for them. Or at least for a small subset of them who are interested in writing and logging word counts obsessively in a spreadsheet. For the rest of you, there are donuts in the conference room.

So, here is this thing I made: My Big Damn Writing Tracker. You’ll need Excel, or any other program that opens .xls files. I made it on Excel, so if it’s all shitty and messed up in something else, I apologize, but Excel is what I have to work with. Anyway, the basic instructions are, you put in the projects you’re going to work on for the week where it says to (I’ve left space for up to three projects at a time, because who really works on more than three projects in the same week?), then every day, you’re going to enter your word count for those projects. At the end of the week, you’ll see how many words you wrote, total, and how many words you wrote per project. 

There is also a Year To Date box that will keep track of all the words you’ve written in the year. You don’t have to wait until January 1st to start using it, as the weeks aren’t dated. There are fifty-three weeks in the sheet (in case you’re anal about time keeping and don’t want to miss that .2 week during a Leap Year), and I’ve included quotes about writing from writers in all forms of media. And also The Doctor. Because I can.

At the end of the year, you can copy the sheet and start over, while retaining the record of your amazing feat from the previous year.

So, there you go. Use it however you want, if you want. I find that being accountable to a spreadsheet helps keep me on track, productivity wise. I hope some of you find this thing helpful, too.

50 Shades Freed chapter 21 recap or “Lysistrata”

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It’s that time of two weeks or whatever when I once again wade into the utter bullshit that is 50 Shades and come out the other side a fuller, more enraged person for it. But first, links:

@JennHolton sent me this link from XOJane.com, “It Happened to Me: I Had a Baby with My Abuser”. I feel like the “It Happened To Me” features are the very best articles XOJane has to offer, so when you’re done reading that one, check out some of the others, too. And I very much hope that Ms. Nolan and her son continue to have a happy, safe life together.

Luisa Prieto drew an awesome comic about what would happen if Hannibal Lecter took Dr. Flynn’s job. And I’m totally flattered that she name dropped me in such a magnificent post.

Here’s a handy guide to identifying the species Poortasteus Grey in the wild.

Meanwhile, total badass Lacey has come up with a drinking game and sound effects for your recap reading pleasure, but I like them so much, they’ll be getting their own post later this week.

So, on to the recrap:

That’s a typo, but I’m leaving it.

Michael Cairns’s “The Spirit Room” Blog Tour

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Today on the blog, I’m welcoming author and all-around swell guy, Michael Cairns, whose new UF/Sci-Fi book The Spirit Room drops this month. Who is Michael Cairns?

Michael-Cairns-headshot-low-res

Chocoholic Michael Cairns is a writer and author of the real-world epic fantasy trilogy, The Assembly and science fiction adventure series, A Game of War. A musician, father and school teacher, when not writing he can be found behind his drum kit, tucking into his chocolate stash or trying, and usually failing, to outwit his young daughter.

He is not even messing around about the chocoholic thing. Read on for some writing advice from Michael, a look at his new book, and find out how you can connect with Michael and try his work for free!

State of The Trout

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Long time, no see! I know, it seems like I’m avoiding you. I’m not. I’ve just got stuff going on! Great stuff!

  • I’m hard at work on editing The Girlfriend, the much anticipated sequel to The Boss. I’m aiming for an August 20th release for the ebook, but since I’ve never worked with the ebook company I’m working with now, that could be subject to change. So stay tuned. I’m also looking to coordinate a cover reveal for August 10th. If you have a blog, and you’d like to be a part of the cover reveal, fill out this form.
  • Speaking of cover reveals, you still have a day to enter the Such Sweet Sorrow cover reveal contest, for a chance to win the book!
  • I’ve also been hard at work editing a short story for a friend, and it got me thinking… I could definitely do this for other people. So, I’m offering up my services as an editor. If you’re looking to hire someone to work on your project, check out the “editing services” tab in the menu above.
  • And on top of all of this, I’ve been sucked into a New Adult book idea that hit me like a truck. More information on that as it’s available.

So, what have you all been up to? If you’ve been up to nothing, just make something up. If you want to be really awesome, make something up and put dragons in it.

SUCH SWEET SORROW Cover Reveal!

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Today Jenny Trout and Entangled Teen are revealing the cover for SUCH SWEET SORROW, which releases on February 4, 2014. Also enter below for a paperback of the book or an eBook!

On to the reveal!

Blurb:
Never was there a tale of more woe than this of Juliet and her Romeo…But true love never dies. Though they’re parted by the veil between the world of mortals and the land of the dead, Romeo believes he can restore Juliet to life, but he’ll have to travel to the underworld with a thoroughly infuriating guide.
Hamlet, Prince of Denmark, may not have inherited his father’s crown, but the murdered king left his son a much more important responsibility—a portal to the Afterjord, where the souls of the dead reside. When the determined Romeo asks for help traversing the treacherous Afterjord, Hamlet sees an opportunity for adventure, and the chance to avenge his father’s death.
In an underworld filled with leviathan monsters, ghoulish shades, fire giants and fierce Valkyrie warriors, Hamlet and Romeo must battle their way through jealousy, despair, and their darkest fears to rescue the fair damsel. Yet finding Juliet is only the beginning, and the Afterjord doesn’t surrender souls without a price…
Excerpt for Such Sweet Sorrow:
Prologue
Two figures, both alike in stature and purpose, ducked beneath a bridge in Verona. The swollen river made mud of its banks. The men slid and fought against it, their torches flickering.
“Let’s turn back, Romeo,” Friar Laurence urged, pushing down the hood of his rough brown robe. “Can we not let poor Juliet rest in peace?”
The younger man fixed his friend with a critical eye. “Peace? My Juliet knows no peace, only eternal torment. She took her own life, and that is my fault.”
They pressed on, Romeo’s steps becoming more determined the weaker his limbs grew. The poison that had incapacitated him, but not killed him, had ravaged his body. Tonight, he traveled farther beyond his father’s walls than he’d dared since the night he’d returned to Verona. Even though the prince had lifted his banishment, the streets still felt unfriendly. A truce had been called between Montague and Capulet there were plenty of young men who would like nothing more than to avenge their kin by killing Romeo.
Their destination lay far from the city center, in a small encampment of hovels beside the river. Faces peeked from behind tattered curtains as Romeo and Laurence traversed the narrow lanes between the dilapidated buildings, coming finally to the very wall of the city itself. It was at this border that they found the strega.
Her door was painted red, surrounded by talismans on long chains that hung from the recessed arch. Romeo ducked beneath a dried and crumbling chicken’s foot and brushed aside a crudely shaped metal eye.
“I go no further.” Friar Laurence backed away from the threshold, crossing himself. “Romeo, I warn you, this is a fearful path you tread. Your soul will be lost to darkness. You will perish in the flames of hell, I beg you not to do this.”
“I am already in hell.” Romeo pushed open the door and stepped inside.
The interior of the witch’s house was hot. It smelled of earth and the wood-like scent of herbs not used for cooking. A bent shape stood before the hearth, where a sulfurous cauldron bubbled. Romeo covered his nose and coughed.
“Ah, I was expecting a visitor this night.” The strega lifted her head, the veil of coins that obscured her face tinkling like fairy bells. “Your man of God could not dissuade you?”
“Nothing will dissuade me.” Even as he said it, his doubtful eyes took in the squawking black bird in the cage near the fire, the jars and bottles lining the shelves, murky objects floating in their slimy depths. “Benvolio told me you can communicate with the dead. He said you made him a charm to ward off attacks by ghosts.”
The strega shuffled across the room, her coins and jewelry clattering. She pointed a bony finger at a chair, and bade Romeo sit. “You are unwell. Poison, was it?”
“Poison, yes.” He could still taste the bite of it, still feel the stinging numbness in his veins. The physical evidence of it lay under his clothes, the dark stain of dying flesh spreading still, a little more each day. “Not enough.”
“That’s because you went to an apothecary,” the strega sniffed. “If you want poison to kill a man dead, you must see a witch.”
“I’ll… remember that. In the future.” Romeo clasped his hands and rested his elbows on his knees. “I came to you for knowledge of the dead. I will pay whatever it takes.”
“The price depends on the knowledge.” She rummaged through a trunk and produced a large, black bowl. Setting it on the floor, she reached into her clothes—it seemed she wore layers upon layers of tattered fabrics, in all shades and thickness—and withdrew a vial. The sight of it winking in the light caused something to recoil inside Romeo. Too recently, he had held a similar vessel.
Then everything had gone so wrong…
“What do you wish to know?” the strega asked, emptying the thick, black liquid into the bowl.
“My love, Juliet—” his voice trembled at her name, and he took a moment to repress his anguish.
“It was her you drank poison for.” The strega swirled the liquid in the basin. “I see her.”
“How do you know it’s her?” He leaned forward, peering into the dish. He saw nothing but his own reflection.
“The same as you know the sun rises in the east. I simply know.” She clucked softly behind her veil of coins. “Bound to you by the thread of holy matrimony. A secret wedding.”
Romeo swallowed back unexpected tears. “Yes, she was my… she was my wife.”
It still sounded strange to his ears. A wife was something an older man had, a man like his father. He could not imagine being so old. Perhaps that had been the poison’s cruelest jest, to let him believe his life would end in the vigor of his youth, only to return him with none of that youth left in body or mind.
“The young are foolish and brash.” The witch’s tone softened. “Black of hair, brown of eye. As fair as any maid from Verona.”
“Fairer,” he corrected her, his hand clenching to a fist. His nails bit into his palm as he struggled to hold back his tears. “Is she happy?”
The strega considered a moment, drawing one finger across the surface of the liquid. When she brought her hand away, it shone wet and red. “No. She is in despair. That is all I can see.”
His heart squeezed tightly. He couldn’t find his breath. He had hoped to hear that she was in a better place, as friar Laurence had assured him so many times. “There must be some way to assuage her grief. Some way to tell her—”
“Her eyes and ears are as closed as any dead woman’s. Whatever torments her will torment her for eternity.” There was no comfort to be had from the strega’s voice. She reached out one gnarled hand, palm up. “If that is all—”
“It is not all!” Romeo shot to his feet, placing his hand on the dagger at his side. He did not have the strength to use it, but the witch couldn’t know that. “You know dark magic. You can bring her back.”
Slowly, the strega unhooked her veil, letting the net of coins fall to her lap. Her face was as aged and withered as her hands. One eye protruded grotesquely, a milky blue, while the other, shrewd and black, fixed on him. “I no longer do such magic.”
“But it can be done?” Romeo asked, and when she nodded, he unsheathed his knife and prodded her knobby chin with the point. “Then you had better do it, witch.”
The old woman did not tremble in fear of him. She grabbed the blade and pushed it away; it felt as though he cut himself instead of her. He dropped the dagger and stepped back, cursing as blood coursed down his arm from the slice that split his palm. Faster than he could have anticipated, the old witch grabbed his wrist and jerked his hand over the basin, letting his blood fall into it.
“I no longer work such magic,” she repeated, swirling the blood in the bowl with her fingertip. “But there are others. To bring someone back, first you must find them. Are you prepared to walk with devils, boy?”
He nodded, his quick breaths flaring his nostrils.
“Are you willing to brave serpents and fire, to fight the keepers of the dead and hear ghosts speak?” She pushed his hand away. At once, the blood on his palm stopped flowing, and the wound sealed itself, burning with invisible fire. He gasped and clutched his hand, watching with horror as the old witch’s good eye rolled back in her head and she called out words he did not understand.
In the bowl, the liquid lightened, then glowed and turned an unearthly blue. A maelstrom formed in the shallow basin, and lightning crackled on its surface. All the while, the old woman chanted and howled, until the room filled with a spectral wind that seemed to originate inside the blue light. The bird screamed in its cage, and jars and bottles rattled and broke on their shelves.
The surface of the liquid rose in waves capped with frothy blue. As the peaks grew higher, the aquamarine light faded, leaving only a bubbling, roiling fount of blood rising as tall as Romeo himself. The burbling red took shape, into a form so familiar that Romeo at once recoiled from it and yearned to touch it.
His Juliet stood before him, or at least, the shape of her, frozen in blood, monochromatic crimson, but unmistakably her. Thick chains bound her across her neck, her waist, manacles clasped her wrists. Her eyes were the worst of all, open, bloody, blank and unseeing, yet somehow still accusing. Still hating him, for having let her go before him.
“I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his throat raw with emotion. He reached for her, knowing it a foolish thing to have done before his fingertips brushed her bloody cheek.
The vision of Juliet opened its mouth impossibly, terribly wide and a bone withering scream burst from her at the same time the vision burst, raining blood over the room.
The strega braced herself with her ancient hands on either side of the bowl, and lifted her head, the blood running in rivulets down her face. “You must go north. You will find the man who can help you there.”
“North?” He conjured up a map in his mind. “Grezzana?”
“Farther.” The strega pushed up from the floor, righting herself. She looked smaller somehow, more fragile than fearsome.
“Erbezzo?”
The eyebrow over her good eye arched in exasperation. “Farther. Farther than you have ever traveled. Over the mountains, to a castle by the sea. The seat of a murdered king.”
He opened his mouth to speak, but she cut him off. “I know no more. In payment, I ask only that you never darken my door again.” She lifted the dagger from the floor. He reached for it, and she threw it, so that the blade stuck in the lintel. At once, her terrible, craggy face transformed, her skin going smooth and youthful, her spider web hair turning to glossy black silk. She narrowed her eyes, no longer milky but deep black, and pointed to where the dagger quivered in the wood. “Leave it. Let its absence remind you never to cross a sister of the fortunes again.”
When Romeo emerged, Friar Laurence rose to his feet, the worry that creased his brow relented only a bit. “I heard such howling, I thought you must surely be in the grips of the devil himself.”
“No devils here.” Romeo made no mention of the dagger. It embarrassed him now, to think he had threatened a woman so powerful. “To find those, I must go north.”

About Jenny Trout:


Jenny Trout is a writer, blogger, and funny person.

Writing as Jennifer Armintrout, she made the USA Today Bestseller list with Blood Ties Book One: The Turning. Her novel American Vampire was named one of the top ten horror novels of 2011 by Booklist Magazine Online.
Jenny also writes award-winning erotic romance as Abigail Barnette.
When she’s not writing, she’s sleeping or otherwise incapacitated.
She is a proud Michigander, mother of two, and wife to the only person alive capable of spending extended periods of time with her without wanting to murder her.

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The 2 Most Diva Stories About Me That You Will Ever Hear (And What Really Happened)

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Because I’m supposed to be writing a blurb right now, and it’s giving me all kinds of trouble, I thought I’d share an object lesson in how sometimes, the way a person tells a story might make the person in the story sound like a total diva. And when this happens, my friends are total jerks. Because here are two stories they tell people about me that sound way worse than they actually are:

The Limo.

What my friends tell people: One time, Jenny was at the airport, and her limo didn’t show up on time, so she threw her cell phone in the bushes.

What really happened: After a trip to the Harlequin sales conference in Colorado Springs, my friend Bronwyn Green and I were returning home via plane. During the two days that we were there, I got altitude sickness and my throat swelled up like I had strep. I was miserable and running a fever, and I’d totally beefed it talking to the sales team the night before because I was so ill. Our first flight was delayed by an hour, and Bronwyn’s inhaler had been confiscated by a TSA agent who shouted in our faces.  Bronwyn has insanely bad asthma, so when our plane landed in Chicago at O’Hare and we had to run for our connecting flight, she had a serious attack, with no inhaler.

As she gasped for air, I found a security guard with a CPR badge on her sleeve. I said, “I need help, my friend can’t breathe.” The guard shrugged and said, “I don’t know what to tell you. I’m on break. I guess I could find her a wheelchair.” So I was like, “Don’t strain yourself lady,” but she probably didn’t hear me because I was croaking like a frog with my giant, giant tonsils. Maybe she thought I said, “My friend can’t BREEZE,” as in, ” – through the airport and needs a fast mode of convenience. Were that the case, she was being super helpful.

Either way, I thought to myself, “You know who would care if a passenger died here today? The airline the passenger is flying on.”

O, what folly is hope or common sense where the airlines are concerned.

“Businesses care about customers,” I thought to myself as I raced through concourse C. I arrived at the gate, sweaty and out of breath, to find the flight attendant closing the door.

“Please help!” I begged him. “My friend can’t breathe.”

He goes, “Do you have a boarding pass for this flight?”

And I go, “Yeah, but that’s not the problem. My friend needs help, I need you to call security or something.”

He goes, “Ma’am, are you getting on this plane? Because I need to shut the door now.”

And I’m all, “Dude, you are not listening to me. I need help for my friend.” I’m in tears, I’m crying, I’m like, thinking I’m crazy because all of this is happening and I’ve been on a high-fever death march since about seven in the goddamned morning and I left one of my best friends back by the weirdly non-franchised sports bar and I think she’s probably dead by now.

And the guy says:

“Ma’am, if you don’t calm down, I’m going to call security and you are not getting on a plane today.”

Eventually it got worked out when Bronwyn miraculously appeared at the gate, gave the guy our boarding passes and marched down the little collapsible hallway thing with the most Beyonce hair toss I have ever seen from a person who is not Beyonce, and we flew into Grand Rapids, the worst part of our journey behind us.

But then we got to the airport, and there was no limo and I threw my cell phone in the bushes.

There was a good reason! Our flight was supposed to get in much later than we had expected, and we were so tired, and the whole day was just ass, so we were tired. And did I mention that because of our early flight time, Bronwyn should have gotten home in time for her son’s Arrow of Light ceremony with his scout troop? And now she was missing it? So, she’s exhausted and in tears, I’m exhausted and near tears, and I do the only thing I can think of: I call the person at Harlequin who set up the trip to get the number for the car company so we can get in touch with them. But my phone reception keeps going out and keeps going out, and I have to call her back three times to even get what I need across. Since my reception was so bad, she volunteered to call the company for us. There was a problem with scheduling, and they hadn’t assigned a driver, but a driver was coming to pick us up and he would call us to find out where we were. Fine, everything is solved.

But then the guy called, asked what part of the airport we were at, and as I answered… my phone battery died. it was totally drained from looking for service.

That was the last straw. I shouted and stamped my foot, and I threw my cell phone into the bushes.

So, you see how when you cut out a lot of details, it makes it sound really, really different than it actually was?

Sometimes, you can use close to the same amount of words to tell a story, but it’s the words you choose that make Jenny look like a diva:

Swine Flu.

What my husband tells people: Jenny was going to this Authors After Dark conference in New York, and Jill and I went along. We were going to go sight seeing while she had lunch in the city with her editor and her agent. But while I was there, I got really sick with swine flu. But Jenny still had to go into the city, so she made Jill and I go with her. Jill was sick, too. She wouldn’t ride the subway, because she’s scared of it, so we walked all over Central Park, we walked all the way from Penn Station to Central Park and walked all the way around the lake and around the fountain and the Alice in Wonderland and the castle bullshit, and we finally find Jenny at the Imagine thing and she’s like, “Oh, I had the most amazing lunch and everyone was really nice to me at Harlequin and my agency is so cool and I had duck confit.”

What Jill tells people: I was so sick and for some reason, Joe wouldn’t take the subway and we had to walk sooooo far.

What really happened: We went to Authors After Dark, i was going to meet my editor from Harlequin and my agent, Miriam, for lunch. Everyone at Harlequin and the agency were super nice, and it was so much fun meeting everybody. We went this really cool restaurant and I had duck confit. I knew Joe had been pretty sick two days before, but that morning he’d said that he was feeling a lot better. Jill was sneezing a lot, but she always sneezes because she has allergies the way other people have molecules. I tried to explain to my husband how the subway worked, but he really didn’t grasp the concept of switching trains or that he didn’t need to take a train anywhere to get from Penn Station to the Empire State Building, where they wanted to go sight-see. After lunch, I called Joe to ask where they were. They said, “We’re in Central Park. We’re lost. We don’t even know how to get to a road.” So I said, “Go up to someone ask them where the Imagine circle is, and head that way, and I’ll meet you there.” I took the subway, got off, headed to the Imagine thing, and waited. And waited. And waited. And then these two zombies come shambling up the hill, and I feel so guilty. I’m standing there, looking all cute because I’m dressed up and I’ve had this lovely autumn day in New York, and they were miserable. I tried to downplay how great my meeting was. “Yeah, the duck confit was okay. It was… probably only in the top five of all duck I’ve ever eaten. Ohhh, you guys had Papaya Dog? I am so jealous right now…” It totally didn’t work.

And it was only after we got home that we found out they had swine flu.

So, if someone who loves me tells you one of these stories about the time I was a super diva, they are soooo lying.

Now, if they tell you a story about me splitting the crotch out of my pants in a Yooper gas station bathroom… that one might be true.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S02E02: “Some Assembly Required”

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In every generation there is a chosen one. She alone take eat about half a jar of homemade strawberry jam in one sitting. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

  1. Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
  2. Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
  3. Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
  4. Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
  5. Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
  6. The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
  7. All the monsters look like wieners.
  8. If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
  9. Angel is a dick.
  10. Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
  11. Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
  12. Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
  13. Science and technology are not to be trusted.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

What it’s like to not have a dad.

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Trigger warning for reflections on mental health and parental abandonment.

I have so few memories of my biological father, I can count them on one hand.

I remember going to a circus with him once. I was probably about three years old. And I remember so vividly how special I felt. My dad wanted to spend time with me. It was so unexpected and precious to me, even at that early age, because I knew it didn’t happen often. Already, I had a concept of needing to prove myself to my father. I made sure I behaved perfectly, because I thought the reason he didn’t come to see me, the reason he didn’t live with us, was because I wasn’t good enough. And if I was good enough, he would come see me more often.
I think the next time I saw him, I was four. He took me to a pet store to buy goldfish to feed his piranhas. Then he took me back to his house, where he and a friend drank beer and smoked weed and fell asleep. I wandered around the house. I didn’t know where the bathroom was. Eventually, I wet my pants, and it eventually dried. My dad’s wife came home from work and found me in the dark house- I didn’t know how to turn on the lights or where the switches were-, my dad and his friend still passed out.
I never went to his house again. I saw him only occasionally. He never paid child support. He never came to another birthday party. He came to my high school graduation. I was a ball of tears and anxiety, looking out the window, wondering if he was there. Asking my mother, who had sacrificed her life and her dreams to have me and raise me, if my dad was there, because that’s all I cared about in that moment, and just having her there wasn’t enough. I feel so incredibly guilty about that now. But at the time, when I walked down that aisle with my classmates, praying, “Please. Please be here. Please,” and I saw my father sitting there, I felt validated. I felt like, “This is it. This is proof that he loves me.”
Now that I’m older, I can look back on all of those times and I realize that I was never getting proof that he loved me. Because he doesn’t, and that’s something I accept. What I was looking for, in all of those horrible moments, was proof that I was worthy of love at all.
When a parent rejects you, you don’t see the problem as being with them. You see the problem as being with you. This is something that haunts you for the rest of your life. You carry it around like an open wound, and you try to patch it with little scraps of what appear to be affection. And they never work. It’s like putting a band-aid on an amputated limb.
To give you an idea of how pervasive and insidious this is, let me give you an example of the crazy shit that goes through my head: if I go to a store, doesn’t matter what store. Doesn’t matter for what reason. If I go to the grocery store, and the cashier is a little snippy with me or hell, even if she’s tired and her feet her and she doesn’t want to be there and I get a sense of that, I decide that it’s me. That I am unlikeable. That there is some mark on me, something invisible but that everyone can sense or see, that tells them how broken I am. And I get a paranoid fear that the reason this stranger that I am interacting with knows that my own father rejected me.
That is fucked up, but I know I’m not alone. I know a lot of people, probably even a lot of people who read this blog, feel the same way. Or they don’t know they feel that way, while feeling that way. Because it takes a little while to make that connection. And when you do, you’re like, “Wow. I am way messed up.”
I feel as though there is something broken inside of me, and I should be ashamed of it. I don’t know what it is, I don’t know how to fix it, and the more I think about it, the more angry I get. And I get angry at myself for continuing to exhibit behavior motivated by this need to prove that there’s nothing wrong with me, to prove to everyone that I am worth something, even though I know that if I had never written this blog post, none of you guys would have ever known that my father abandoned me.
I wrote this because today, I had a really bad episode. I’m embarrassed to admit it, but hospitalization was considered. Calls to friends were made to talk me down. And this breakdown was triggered by something I would have thought was completely unrelated to my issues over my father. But in the course of talking to a friend, she said, “Jen, you have a really hard time feeling like a victim.”
Nobody likes feeling like a victim. Nobody likes being a victim. But hearing that sentence, hearing someone say, “Yes, you have been victimized, and it’s okay to acknowledge that,” moved me beyond what I thought was bothering me, to the very root of what was actually causing the problem. And I thought, “if I can’t share that with Troutnation and all my wonderful Troutlandians, then who can I share this with?” Because you guys have always been cool with my sharing my mental health issues, and I’m always down to hear yours, and we can be all sorts of fucked up together.
If Troutnation were an actual place, when you crossed the border there would probably be a sign put up by the tourism commission that says, “Welcome to Troutnation. Come be fucked up together!”
But I digress. I learned a couple really important things today that are going to help me, and I think will be helpful to some of you:
  1. If someone does something shitty to you? It’s okay to feel like they did something shitty to you. You don’t have to rationalize all the ways you probably deserved it and will continue to deserve it the future.
  2. Living “in the moment” is only a good thing if the moment is good. If you “live in the moment” and you hit a low time, that’s where those stupid suicide thoughts come in, and nobody wants that. Appreciate the moment, but don’t live in it. Live to see what’s next.
  3. (I realize three is more than a couple, but this is important) You don’t ever have to forgive anybody. No matter what Oprah says. If forgiving someone is going to be detrimental to your mental health at the moment, you don’t have to do it. Because faking forgiveness and being okay with shit just means everyone else moves on, and you’re still stuck back in the angry spot.

That’s all I’ve got for today.