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Stuff About 50 Shades For You To Click On (and also a drinking game)

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I was giving an interview the other day, because I’m very glamorous (I was topless, wearing sweatpants, and hadn’t showered in a while), and I commented on the fact that I get so much email about 50 Shades of Grey, with links and pictures and fun stuff, and I know there’s no way I can share all of it.

And then I was like, “Yes, you can. Remember how you were going to post about the 50 Shades drinking game someone sent you? Why not put all the links and stuff in that post, and then have a grilled cheese sandwich?” And I was like, “Yeah, self. That’s a great idea. But how about I do the sandwich now, and make the post in a few days?” And self was like, “You know what? You’ve earned it. Have two. And listen to Justin Timberlake’s ‘Damn Girl’ while you eat them, because you know that if JT knew you, he’d find your sandwich consuming skills– and those sweatpants– intensely erotic.”

These are in a very particular order. The order that they’re stacked in my inbox. If you sent me something and you don’t see it here, it’s probably because it’s lost in the depths, or someone sent the same thing first. Also, the bulk of what I receive are links to news stories that like, thirty people send me at once. I assume that if something has been on a major news outlet, y’all have heard about it. But if you have something like that,  leave it in the comments and it totally counts.

Kathy sent me this post on a NSFW Tumblr, Things I Need Done To Me Today. I love that the author describes herself as “A PROFESSIONAL ‘SOCCER MOM’ TYPE BY DAY, AND A TOTAL FUCKING WHORE BY NIGHT” Autofollow RESCINDED as it turns out she’s an MRA. Come on, lady. You were so cool.

Courtney sent this hilarious blog post: The Worst Book That Ever Was And Ever Will Be: A Review of 50 Shades of Grey.

Wendy brought this book to my attention by actually buying it for me. So, Wendy gets the gold star for the day. I haven’t had a chance to read it yet, but it comes highly recommended: Whatsoever He Might Kind of Want or Desire.

Artistically inspired read Kelsey made some bootleg book covers for the recaps, and I think she really captured the true essence of this project:

ImageImageImage

Jaecen made me this:

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50 Shades of O’Reilly. Incoming wounded, indeed.

And now…

The Unofficial 50 Shades of Grey Drinking Game

(and official sport of Troutnation)

by

Lacey, Troutnation’s Minister of Booze and Getting Sloshedness

Take a sip every time: (Sip, not shot, unless you’re indestructible)

  • “in that way”
  • flush/blush
  • murmur/mutter
  • Christian says some controlling dickish thing
  • Christian says some pretentious ass thing
  • bites her lip
  • “No!”
  • “oh my”
  • whenever she refers to him as “Fifty”
  • “what you do to me”
  • “fair point well made”
  • subconscious/inner goddess
  • Britishism
  • evil!blonde
  • racism/homophobia/misogyny/xenophobia
  • whenever Christian marks his territory
  • down there/other vague euphemism for vagina
  • “Dios mio!” (see: racism)
  • arguing over food/”hungry, but not for food”
  • stupid denigrating bitchy names for other women/supposed sexual competitors (see: misogyny)
  • “he starts to move, really move”
  • “it’s so hot”
  • creepy childish language/picture of Chris Hansen
  • “laters, baby”
  • The Situation
  • she is irrationally jealous of another woman, especially during an inappropriate time
  • she thinks about how much she needs to think about something/they talk about how they should talk
  • “artful”/”artfully”
  • whenever Taylor is awesome (it helps to picture him as Jesse Porter on Burn Notice)
  • “peek up through my eyelashes”
  • she thinks thirty is ancient
  • someone rolls their eyes

If you really want alcohol poisoning, drink every time:

  • “jeez”/”holy crap”/”double crap”/”holy cow”
  • bitchy comment about Kate
  • she says something about being terrified/afraid of him, wanting to hide or escape from him, &c.
  • she refers to him “beating” her
  • she does something she doesn’t want to do
  • “fifty shades of fucked up”
  • he commands her to orgasm
  • someone else calls her bright/intelligent
  • she does or says something incredibly stupid/clueless
  • someone else tells her how perfect she & Christian are, or how much she’s changed him
  • something happens or someone says/acts completely overdramatic
  • references to literary works, especially “Tess”
  • they communicate through music like 7th graders
  • “cocks their head”
  • she hugs herself

That’s all I’ve got for now. Please don’t play the drinking game, you’ll die. I don’t want “50 Shades related Alcoholism” to be the leading cause of death in Troutnation. More links to come, probably, as I continue to sift through my inbox.

29 Comments

  1. Georgiana
    Georgiana

    I can vouch for Jacen being the sweetest, most wonderful man in the world. <3 He's been so hoping you liked that pic.

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
  2. I recommend reading the comments on Audibles 50 Shades series. It seems like many who aren’t fans stopped listening after the first book and everyone else was mad at the person reading the book because she “ruined it.” It’ll make you giggle.

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
  3. Hey, wouldnt that drinking game work better if you drink whenever those thing DIDNT happen?
    Oh, wait, nevermind, the point is to get drunk.

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
  4. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    You stillllll need to review the last chapter. I am freaking. xoxo

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
  5. freakycharlie94
    freakycharlie94

    Please review the last (or second to last) chapter of 50 shades soon. I’ll also have links for you by then. :DD And Awesome as ever! I loved the first paragraph! :DD

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
  6. Meredith
    Meredith

    Oh, holy crap. Melissa Gorga (real housewives of the mafia, or whatevs) just released a book called Love Italian Style. It’s like a real-life 50sog. No joke. A how-to manual on how to be abused and why you should love it as a married woman! Imma go find that link real quick.

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
    • Rebecca
      Rebecca

      Totally sleeping with the enemy!!!

      September 29, 2013
      |Reply
      • Meredith
        Meredith

        I know! I thought that, too. Except she seems to eat the shit up.

        September 29, 2013
        |Reply
  7. Anonymous
    Anonymous

    I really liked most of that NSFW tumblr, until I got to the part where she is a big Men’s Rights Activist supporter. 🙁

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
      • Meredith
        Meredith

        I looked and couldn’t see it, either.

        September 27, 2013
        |Reply
      • There’s a post on there that’s about the mindset of a Dom, and the bulk of it is like, “men are drawn to D/s because they’re subjugated by women.” 🙁

        September 27, 2013
        |Reply
      • Anonymous
        Anonymous

        And the guys she cites in that post (“subjugated by women”) are headliners in the MRA online community. I recognized them because I read a blog that sort of reviews them. Satirizes them, maybe. I actually feared for a bit that it meant that you, too, were a FeMRA. SOOO glad to learn that you aren’t! Fellow southeast Michiganders unite! Or just post anonymously on the site of an author you like! (Though I think that’s just me…)

        September 27, 2013
        |Reply
  8. Heath
    Heath

    The problem with this drinking game is that you will never stop drinking because there isn’t a single thing that happens in any of the books that isn’t on that list!

    September 27, 2013
    |Reply
    • Zee
      Zee

      The problem with this drinking game is that you have to read 50 shades to play.

      September 28, 2013
      |Reply
      • bookdragonette
        bookdragonette

        Yeah, the books are not worthy of the booze you’ll drink during this game.

        September 28, 2013
        |Reply
    • Zee
      Zee

      True. I guess the only plus is that you might drink enough to wipe the words from your memory.

      September 28, 2013
      |Reply
  9. Heath is right. I was just going to say you might as well keep sipping because every sentence contains those elements.

    The recap covers! Those are awesome. I LOL’d at 50 Shades Freed.

    September 28, 2013
    |Reply
    • Also if you could maybe leave a comment or two, that would be great!

      September 29, 2013
      |Reply
  10. I frickin’ love that first fake book cover!

    September 29, 2013
    |Reply
  11. Okay now I’m definitely having a party with my friends just so we could play this drinking game!

    September 30, 2013
    |Reply
  12. Irene
    Irene

    Just thought I’d drop by and say I tried the drinking game, but with juice. Thinking I’d get my hydration on and maybe this time I’d get past a couple chapters in the book.

    Well, I’ve just finished chapter one and I already went through one bottle. Lol. Good thing it’s only juice, but damn I feel like throwing up already. I’m afraid this is as far as I’ll go 🙁

    October 6, 2013
    |Reply
  13. Lemony
    Lemony

    Dude, what about Christian’s pants hanging off his hips “in that way”??!!

    November 22, 2013
    |Reply
  14. Merril
    Merril

    Dismissing everything you liked about her because she’s an MRA?
    How quaint of you.

    November 25, 2013
    |Reply
    • I am under no obligation to like a person who supports ideals that stand in direct opposition of my own. And I am especially not obligated to do so in order to please someone who leaves patronizing blog comments.

      November 25, 2013
      |Reply

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