WARNING: This is going to get real. Real real. So I’m putting it behind a jump. If you don’t want to hear graphic details about my sex life, this isn’t the post for you. And needless to say, adults only.
I was having a great day. The kids spent the night away, I slept until noon, and when my husband got home from work he came straight to the bedroom. He stuffed my panties in my mouth, spanked my pussy hard, then fucked me, fisted me, and roughly fingered my ass while asking stuff like, “Do you like that, whore?” and then when we were done, he made me a fried egg sandwich and we cuddled and watched Adventure Time.
Okay, I admit, it’s not as sexy as a scene from an erotic novel. But I’m confident when I say it has more in common with other, actual D/s relationships than anything in 50 Shades of Grey is.
When I got on the internet and checked twitter, I found myself tagged in an ongoing conversation due to someone recommending The Boss. Which is awesome, thanks and keep doing that. But when I expanded the conversation, I saw that the tweeter was arguing with a 50 Shades of Grey fan who said:
I also think real life SUBS AND DOMS would be insulted to think people are calling them abusers & victims NO JUDGING
This tweet was written by a person who clearly doesn’t consider herself a part of a BDSM relationship. Otherwise, she would have spoken from a place of experience and not a place of speculation on the desires of Doms and subs. But because she read 50 Shades of Grey, she feels her opinion has weight. Not only does she feel she can represent the people actively involved in various different BDSM lifestyles, she feels that in the hierarchy of social justice issues, domestic abuse and sexual violence against women fall below defending the rights of people who engage in a consensual activity that doesn’t really need to be explained to anyone.
Over the past few months, I’ve noticed that the conversations about BDSM, 50 Shades, and abuse follow a pretty specific pattern:
- A says they feel 50 Shades of Grey promotes abuse.
- B says A doesn’t understand the complicated dynamic of a BDSM relationship.
- A clarifies that they weren’t talking about the sex (although A isn’t thrilled with the sex either), and suggests that large numbers of people in BDSM relationships don’t find the book representative of their positive experiences.
- B ignores this and, in order to derail the conversation, begins to stridently defend the right of people who enjoy BDSM to not be judged (when no person on earth is exempt from the judgement of their fellow humans in the first place).
- The conversation ceases to be about the abuse, and begins to be about whether or not the rights of BDSM practitioners are being respected by the mean old Judgie McJudgersons who don’t understand kink.
I’m thinking back to how my afternoon went. It was nothing like anything I’d read in 50 Shades of Grey. During the entire encounter, I was never afraid that my husband wouldn’t stop. I knew that if I used the safe word, it would be okay, we could do something else. He wouldn’t blackmail me with his past emotional tragedies to try and shame me for using the safeguard we agreed upon to protect our mutual trust. I know for a fact that he doesn’t think I’m whore, slut, or any of the nasty things he calls me, because that’s my kink and he does it because I asked him to and he gives as much attention to my sexual needs as to his own. It’s what makes the D/s dynamic work so well in our relationship. Trust, love, and honest communication.
But Ana is never allowed to ask for anything. She isn’t even allowed to say no to things she doesn’t want, because Christian’s needs are paramount. But a 50 Shades fan is going to tell me and women like me that we’re the disempowered ones who need to be given a voice? And that the only valid voice in this case is one that is arguing that our relationships should more closely resemble the one between Ana and Christian, even if we’re loudly protesting that such a relationship isn’t what we want? How does that make any sense?
Ana and Christian are not an example of a healthy BDSM relationship, and when 50 Shades defenders- whose only exposure to BDSM has come through this single source- frame it as though it is, they’re actually harming the image of BDSM more. But that’s not something they want to hear. They want to feel like they’re protecting a misunderstood and beautiful people, who do sexy things in expensive high rise apartments.
If someone wants to criticize me for my sexual preferences, that’s their problem, not mine. I’m a big girl, and I can handle it. I don’t need- and I think many, many other sexual deviants out there would agree- anyone to read a damn book, decide they have learned more from a fictional account than I have learned in my lived experience, and then rush to my defense needlessly. I am a sub, not a brainwashed sex zombie. I am fully capable of defending my sexual tastes if necessary.
So, I’ll end by just reposting what I tweeted in response:
I am a real life sub. Please do not use 50 Shades to defend my lifestyle, because it is not representative.