Trout Nation Posts

If my dog does not stop farting I will sell him.

I usually don’t share too many details of my very cool and super important personal life, but today I thought I would share this tidbit…

I am currently expecting the arrival of Jen Jr. v2.0 in November.

So, when you see me at RT, no, I’m not fat, I’m just pregnant.

Okay, also fat.

Okay, so here is the absolutely true tale of Harrison Ford being dead:

Once upon a time, I had a party. And my parties are epic bacchanals with drinking and lowered inhibitions. I used to have a life-sized replica of Han Solo frozen in carbonite, and it got hella molested at one of these parties.

So, anyway, during one party, I disappeared to my office to “check my email.” This should have been clue number 1 that I was up to something, because who checks their email during a party? But my drunken friends were too far gone to see this.

After an appropriate length of time, I go out of my office and go, “Oh my God, you guys! Harrison Ford died!”

And everyone goes, “WHAT? HOW? OMG!” And I was like, “I don’t know, it was a heart thing, apparently. He died like, three hours ago, it was on TMZ.”

Only one person in the room didn’t believe me. My husband goes, “Whatever. Shut up.”

It was the best party prank ever.

RIP Han Solo. D:

I will not believe a word of anything anyone blogs today. You are all goons.

Also, I’m going to quit writing Urban Fantasy and start writing Paranormal Christian Inspirational novels. Think “The Dresden Files” if Harry were Jesus and the council was, you know, God.

EDIT: The book DOES come out June 1st. However, I am being good and flogging its dead carcass two months in advance, like everyone else does

So, you may have noticed that is is nearly April. That means that very, very soon, Blood Ties Book Four: All Souls’ Night will be hopping from the shelves into your hot little hands. And those better be bookstore shelves and not library shelves, ’cause I got bills to pay, yo.

I get a lot of questions about what is going to happen in future books. And obviously, I can’t answer them. The landslide of “IS ZIGGY REALLY DEAD OMG !!!!!!11!!!ELEVENTY-ONE!!!!!” mail that I got after the first book was so, so hard to deal with, because I felt bad for not being able to tell people. I’m not good at keeping secrets, unless there is some kind of real world consequence, so this series and all its little twists and turns have made me a bit batty.

There is, however, one question I can answer without giving too much away, and that question is…

What can readers expect from Book Four?
At this point, if you are one of those people who doesn’t want to know ANYTHING about a book, stop reading. I’m not going to give away “spoilers” by saying stuff like “Nathan learns he’s double jointed and runs away to join a freak show,” but I am going to mention things that will happen in the book.

• First, and this is a big one, three major characters die in Book Four.
  
• Second, and nearly just as important, this is the grossest book I’ve ever written. Bring barf bags.
  
• GRATUITOUS VIOLENCE
  
• For the first time ever in one of my books, hot, male/male love scene.
  
• Zombies.
  

Now, to wrap up today’s post o’ doom, my dear friend Brynn Paulin thought that Sweeney Todd has not been represented adequately in my blog as of late. So, Brynn, this is for you:

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SUZLRa_iSXk&hl=en]

Japanese Sweeney rehearsal. Hells yeah. I wish there were videos of the actual performance.

In any case, the DVD of the Depp version comes out tomorrow. So, I know what I’m doing with the rest of my week.

I’ve been absent while I slave towards a seemingly impossible goal of finishing my current WIP before the end of the month, but I had to break my silence to report of the stupidest headline I’ve ever read. On CNN.com, a headline reads “A Star Explodes Halfway Across The Universe”.

Okay, wait, what? If the universe is infinite, as some believe, then how does one determine a halfway point? Or, if the universe if finite, but too large to be measured, as others contend, you still can’t determine a halfway point.

To say something is “halfway” across the universe is to say that you know where the universe begins and ends. So, what’s wrong with just saying “A Star Explodes A Long Way Away”?

Question 1
You are in the right turn lane. The light is red. Do you:
A. Watch for an opening in traffic and safely turn on red?
B. Punch your accelerator and cut into traffic without a care for the drivers who have the right-of-way, because you are clearly in a much bigger hurry than they are?

Question 2
You are on a road with four lanes of traffic. The lane beside you is moving faster than the lane you are in. Do you:
A. Wait until there is an opening in traffic and safely move into the other lane?
B. Wait until there is barely a car length between the two cars beside you, then force your way in just before a red light, possibly creating a pile-up and, for the driver who ends up behind you, a ticket for failure to stop at a safe distance?

Question 3
You are a busy mom who has little time in the mornings. Do you:
A. Drop your child off at school, then make important phone calls while drinking your coffee at home?
B. Make important phone calls while drinking coffee and dropping your child off at school in you enormous SUV, even though you are clearly a stay-at-home-mom and could do two of these tasks at home without endangering the other drivers and children in the parking lot?

Question 4
You are driving a large lumber truck. Do you:
A. Keep in mind that you are seated above much of traffic, and proceed with extra caution to avoid possible accidents?
B. Assume the way is clear and tear out of the lumber yard without looking, causing the car directly in you path to swerve into oncoming traffic to avoid being crushed, then flip off the driver of said car, even though you did not have the right-of-way?

If you answered B to any of these questions, you were one of the jackasses that nearly killed me in my morning commute today. Thanks a lot, dillweeds!

That sounds like some fake ass “memoir” that James Frey would write, doesn’t it? Anyway, I’m looking for some books. I know it sounds crazy, but there are books that I loved as a child that I cannot for the life of me remember the names of now. I know that some of you who read my blog also have kids, and they might know what the heck I’m talking about. If you have any information regarding the titles or authors of these books, let me know, because it’s been driving me crazy for years.

1. A collection of short stories in a giant, hardcover book. One of the stories was about a kid trying to outwit his sister in picking the color of the new toothbrush he wanted. He knew it was important to pick the color that he truly wanted and not be swayed by his sister’s machinations to get him to pick the color she didn’t want.
   
2. A Y/A novel about a girl who was a medium. She helped the police to solve cases, and it was set in either the late 19th or early 20th century. At one point, she was trespassing on someone’s property and he shot a shotgun full of rock salt at her, if I recall correctly.
   
3. A chapter book about a boy who lived in a town that was so foggy the residents had to memorize how many steps it was from landmark to landmark to make their way around town. The lead character was an errand boy and at some point a sinister magician-type man comes to town to commit a bank robbery or something nefarious.
   
4. A book about about a doll house family who come to live when no one is playing with them.
   
5. A book about a family of tiny people with tails who live in the walls of a house and get into all sorts of adventures.
   

Ring any bells for anyone?

Thank you, Gary, for all the fun had and time wasted playing your silly little game.