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Jealous Hater Book Club “Apolonia” THE END

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I know you guys are due another Buffy recap, but the idea of just finishing this goddamn recap and wrapping it up once and for all is like, sunshine and rainbow farts to me. So that’s what I’m going to do, and then we can move ahead with our lives and forget this book, because ultimately it is forgettable. It’s not the worst book, it’s certainly not the best book, it’s not even a good book, but it’s not bad enough that we’ll remember it. I guess that’s the nicest thing you can say about it.

So, let’s do this, and then we can all go get our memories erased.

Chapter twenty-one starts with Apolonia trying to bust open the canister thing they found:

Apolonia swung again. “I! Am going! Home!” she said, grunting as her sword hit the metal.

Maybe this is why the book is named after her. She’s the only one who does helpful, proactive shit in situations that call for it.

The canister opens and lights everything up pink, while the parasites are spreading in the courtyard. The ship lowers and puts out a bridge to the roof.

A man in blue robes, massive and beautiful as his daughter, walked out.

Some of you guys hate when I point this out, because it’s too nit-picky, but I don’t care. I like the idea of Hamech having a beautiful, massive daughter to match his beautiful, massive blue robe. He runs out and grabs Apolonia, hugging her, and Rory thinks:

He didn’t look at all like someone who had just murdered thousands of innocent people.

But then, immediately following that statement:

I smiled, seeing how safe Apolonia looked in her father’s strong arms. I missed that feeling of security and surrender so much, and I was glad she still had it.

Like, this dude just killed everyone at the college and destroyed the only home you have. But what a good dad he is.

The soldiers who aren’t infected by parasites hit the underbelly of the ship with a missile, and shoot at the ship for as long as they can before they start turning into parasites, themselves.

Cy responded, his head slightly bowed, and then he looked back to me. “The ship’s weapon is no longer functional. It has been damaged by the missile, Rory. We must leave. I can’t leave you here to die. I won’t.”

Cy starts arguing with Hamech, and Apolonia translates:

“He is asking about your character,” Apolonia translated. “Cyrus had to reveal that Benji is Majestic.”

Couldn’t they tell just by looking at him? I’m sorry but “[name] is Majestic” has been cracking me up throughout this whole book.

Anyway, Benji can’t go.

Cy had sadness in his eyes. “You can come with us. Hamech has ordered that Benji be left behind.”

“You know I won’t leave him,” I said.

But Benji is like,

“There’s a reason you don’t need anyone here. Because you’re meant to go with them.”

So basically, “hey, your parents and best friend died and you’re left with no one, so go live with the aliens, it’s going to work out great for you.” Because when Cy said he wouldn’t leave Rory “here” to die, he doesn’t mean “here, on the rooftop.” He means “Here, on Earth.”

But Rory has a brilliant idea. She asks if they can use the glowing pink canister as a kind of bomb by overheating it, thereby killing the parasites and saving Earth.

Cy shook his head. “No. You wouldn’t be able to get out in time, Rory.”

I offered a small smile. “I’ve told you…I can’t die.”

Yes! You’re probably thinking. Yes, finally, we will have confirmation of Rory’s immortality! It’s going to be the one plot thread that isn’t discarded by the story!

Don’t get excited yet.

Apolonia let go of her father and walked over to me, cupping my shoulders with her elegant long fingers. “Are you sure you want to do this?” she asked.

“Apolonia, no,” Cy said, his voice low and stern.

“I’m sure,” I said without hesitation.

throughout this whole thing, Cy is like, desperate and screaming. No joke, the words “desperate” and “screamed” are in this section, so he’s like, out of his mind fighting for Rory to not destroy the parasites and save the Earth. This seems…wrong. The whole reason he came to the planet was to save Earth from the parasites, right? Because they a) didn’t want them getting out, and b) had helped Earth out before. So, if Rory sacrifices herself and saves the Earth, both goals are accomplished. And he’s been willing for Apolonia to put herself in harm’s way this entire time. Are we meant to think this means he loves Rory more? Is it more pushing of a love triangle that the reader has never felt, because all the people involved have zero chemistry with each other? It doesn’t make sense, and as Rory said, she’s possibly maybe immortal.

Apolonia turned to her father, speaking the beautiful words I had fallen in love with,

“Let this bitch die so we can go home,” I presume.

just as I had fallen in love with Cy and even Apolonia.

Writing Tip: Even if your character says something and believes it, that doesn’t necessarily make it true. In this case, we’ve seen nothing that would suggest Rory has even room-temperature feelings for Apolonia. Rory disliked Apolonia on sight, and since then there’s just been a long string of disparaging comments about how savage and heartless she is. So Rory tells the reader that she’s come to love Apolonia, but the author hasn’t shown the reader any proof of it at all, so it makes no sense.

Hamech looked toward the edge of the roof just above the courtyard from where the shrieking could be heard, even louder than the roaring flames that were now a hundred or so yards away. Then, his eyes settled on me, a fatherly look of pride on his face.

So, even Hamech, destroyer of worlds, agrees that this is a great point for that whole immortality thing to play out. But you know who doesn’t agree? I mean, besides Cyrus?

“Would you give him a lift?” I asked Apolonia, gesturing to Benji. “I know he didn’t want to take him back to Yun. But just take him far enough away to keep him safe.”

Apolonia nodded to her father’s men. Just before they grabbed Benji, he pulled the canister from my hands and then shoved me into the arms of one of the soldiers.

That’s right, dear reader! What the hell were you thinking? Rory doesn’t make things happen! Things happen to Rory! If she actually stayed behind and used her immortality trick, then she would have taken on a role in the story beyond “abused girl every man wants to protect”, and that would just be absurd. Of course Benji is going to be heroic (and certainly not stupid at all) by stepping in and needlessly dying.

Hamech’s guards hold her back as Benji prepares for his inevitable immolation:

Benji smiled at me with so much love in his eyes that it made me choke back tears. “You were right, Rory,” he said. “You can’t die because I won’t let you.”

He turned on his heels and ran for the elevator that led downstairs.

As opposed to the elevator that led up. From the roof. That this entire scene is taking place on. It’s crucial for the reader to know that the elevator also goes down, as so many rooftop elevators just shoot you the fuck into space.

“Benji!” I screamed so loud that my voice broke. “You promised you’d never leave me!”

Benji paused for just a moment, waiting for the elevator. He looked at me one last time and then stepped in. The doors closed in front of him.

This is like something you’d see in a movie that was parodying what happens in movies.

So, they wrangle her into the ship, and then…well, see if you can make anything out of this word salad, because I’ve read it several times, some of them out loud.

“At the edge of the open door, the ship moved away from the warehouse and then sped off, quickly leaving it behind.”

At the edge of the open door it moved away from the warehouse? At the edge of…what door? Now, you can get the book and look and see if I’ve somehow left something out, but the last time a door of any kind was mentioned was the closed elevator doors. I’ve spent the better part of the morning trying to figure out what the hell this was supposed to mean. At the edge of the open door. At the edge of the open door, the ship moved away from the warehouse and then sped off, quickly leaving it behind. Leaving the warehouse behind? Leaving the door behind? Did the elevator come back and that’s the door that’s being left behind? At the edge? The edge of the door? Or the door is at the edge of something?

Please. Someone please tell me I’m just reading this sentence wrong, that it makes perfect sense, and then please, please explain it to me.

The cold wind whipped around us, but I couldn’t feel it.

Because of the open door, maybe? Are you inside the ship when it’s flying, or outside? Are you still on the little gangway thing? Is that the door that’s open?

Within moments, the structure was engulfed in a huge ball of fire, dwarfing the inferno that was Helena.

Apolonia kneeled beside me, holding me, as we watched the warehouse burn.

“He died an honorable death,” Apolonia said, touching her cheek to mine. You were lucky to have him in your life.”

So, Apolonia has done a completely 180. Now she likes Rory, now she’s compassionate, they’ve grown to like each other. But…how? I feel like the editor dropped a note at the end of the book and went, “You know, I feel like Apolonia needs to be more of a buddy instead of competition,” and the author went, “Ugh, sure, I’ll cram it in there in the last two percent of the book.” Because we’re literally at 98% right now.

He was the one I needed,” I whispered. My lip quivered. “I should have known I would lose him.”

So, now we’re in chapter 22. And yes, I know they’re short chapters, but it’s the end of the book, where chapters generally start to get short, so that’s not really a thing we can criticize here. At least, I can’t, because I understand how weird the ends of books can sometimes be.

Hamech sets his ship down in a field, and Rory gets off.

A few days ago, my days consisted of being a bitchy, self-absorbed college student, whose worst problem was an overenthusiastic admirer.

No, Rory. Your worst problem was that your entire family was dead.

Now, more alone than ever, I was left mourning that boy. The one who I had once foolishly wished would leave me alone…had.

The one who you were ready to drop at a moment’s notice every time you perceived some kind of betrayal, even after he proved over and over again that he wasn’t betraying you.

Cy and Apolonia bid Rory goodbye. Apparently, she can’t get a lift off the planet anymore.

He hugged me back, kissing my hair. “You must know that they’ll be checking back here for the parasite. If they detect it–”

“They’ll blow us out of the sky? Now that I’m not sure I can survive.”

But you haven’t “survived” anything, Rory! Not once has the author bothered to put you in any real danger that you didn’t immediately and easily escape from. The one time you were hurt and might possibly have died, other people saved you. Nothing you did, nothing you have done, has had any real impact on this story at all. You were just there, watching events happen, and occasionally using bad ass combat skills to make people drop their weapons. That’s all. Our protagonist was just along for the ride in someone else’s story. If this book had been written from Cy’s POV, it could have been good, and Rory would have been a serviceable side character. But that’s all. Rory hasn’t “survived,” she’s tagged along.

Underlines = italics, standard disclaimer.

So, Cy tells her that he would come get her if they were going to blow up the planet, and he tells her that his first name is Osiris, which is so super important for us to know 99% into the book.

Cy’s face compressed.

What?

“You wouldn’t give up two years ago, Rory. So, you can’t now.”

I lifted my chin, knowing why he was worried. He was leaving, and everyone else I cared about was dead. Everyone. “I couldn’t even if I wanted to. I think someone up there enjoys watching me suffer.”

So, again with the “I can’t die”. We are at 99% in the book. REPEAT WE ARE AT 99%. And we still don’t know if Rory is actually immortal. And if she is, it doesn’t matter, because IT HAS NEVER BEEN USEFUL OR INTEGRAL TO THE PLOT AT ALL.

Cyrus tells Rory that she could still come with them, but she declines, saying she needs to get Dr. Z and Benji’s stories out there, so people will know that they saved lives. Which, like…did the CIA just stop existing? The whole CIA? Because if someone knows that they’re out there doing secret shit involving aliens, that person is not going to last long. The wisest course of action would be for Rory to go with Cy, or keep her mouth shut and change her identity (she’s probably presumed dead anyway).

So, Cy leaves, and Rory goes back to the warehouse. They were ten miles from the warehouse when she left the ship, so somehow, after everything she’s just been through, she still  has the strength to walk ten miles back to a burned out building.

I sat on a large piece of concrete about twenty-feet from where the warehouse once stood, touching my fingers to my hands.

Unless you’re fresh from some kind of horrible accident, your fingers are always touching your hands. There had to be a better way to word this, but who the fuck cares at this point. I’m just going to accept it, like the eventual Trump presidency.

Dr. Z was gone. Benji was gone. It was one thing to say I wouldn’t give up, but at the moment, I was likely the only living person left in Helena. The sole survivor. Again.

She goes picking through the wreckage of the warehouse, thinking she’s going to find Benji’s body. Um…what if those parasites are still around? What if you find a body that isn’t quite dead? I ask that, because that’s exactly what happens. Rory finds Benji, and he’s alive, having survived the immense explosion that was way bigger than the explosion that leveled an entire town. He’s not only alive, he’s conscious, and just has some broken ribs.

So…something could have survived the blast. The infected people could still be there.

They think they have no way out of their situation, since he has broken ribs and can’t really move, and she has no way to get him out of there.

Just then,

You know it’s going to be convenient when “Just then” shows up.

a car engine caught my attention, and my head perked up. It was an orange Mustang with Bryn at the wheel.

Whaddaya know.

Benji growled with every movement,

If your main character shares a name with a famous dog, this is a word choice you’re probably going to want to rethink.

Benji’s dad was in the front seat, still not quite conscious.

Benji’s dad. Who was hooked up to the rock. The rock with the deadly parasites. But he’s fine, and they’re going to go ahead and go to the hospital, where a lot of people are. Because an explosion = dead parasites, even if someone at the literal center of the blast survived with just broken ribs.

I mean, how the fuck can Benji hear or see anything? Why weren’t his eyeballs seared from the light? Why didn’t the explosion rupture his ear drums? Why didn’t the shockwave from the blast not liquify his internal organs? Because he ducked behind a door. That’s the only explanation given. He ducked. Behind. A door. How powerful was this explosion? It was supposed to “dwarf” the explosion that leveled the town. But he’s fine? Then how did it kill all the parasites? If concrete and rebar and doors and shit survived, the rock could have, too, right? The entire resolution of this book–we are at 100%–is just this one, giant plot hole. That’s all you get, after suffering through the entire book. Absolutely no promise that the enemy has been vanquished or anyone on Earth is safe.

Oh, silly me. That wasn’t the most important part of the book!

Benji lifted his hand to the back of my neck and pulled me the short distance to his lips. As he kissed me softly, slowly, and passionately, I knew that I finally had the unconditional love, safety, and security I’d been missing.

“Well, you’re the only guy left on the planet who knows me, guess you’re my goal as a heroine now.”

I looked at the road ahead. For the first time in a long time, it felt like good things were coming, and for the first time since I died, I felt alive.

Wouldn’t that be an awesome last sentence for a book that wasn’t this book?

So, things we didn’t find out at the resolution of this book:

  • Whether or not Rory is immortal
  • Whether or not Dr. Z is dead
  • Whether or not the parasites have been destroyed
  • If the characters are still in danger from the Majestic
  • Why the book was called Apolonia in the first place

For fun, go back and reread my recap of the first chapter, and see how cautiously optimistic I was. And then imagine me in my room, swaddled in blankets, sobbing softly into pillow and whimpering, “It’s happened again! It’s happened again!”

Goodbye, Apolonia. If only you had been as compelling and competent as your namesake.

State Of The Trout: “What happens next?” edition

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So, Second Chance is out, hopefully if you want it, you’ve got it or you’re soon going to get it, Penny’s First Time audiobook is out, and we’re almost finished with one of our recaps. So what now?

Fear not for my momentum, for it is still building, my friends. Let’s talk about my next steps:

What happens after ApoloniaNothing. In the interest of concentrating on Grey and Buffy, I won’t be picking up a recap to fill the aching void Apolonia will leave in our hearts.

Since you’re done writing Neil and Sophie, what’s your next book? Glad you asked! I’m not done with Neil and Sophie at all. In fact, my next project is more of them. The One Night Stand is a prequel novella about the first time Neil and Sophie met, and you can look for that late summer/early fall.

And after that it’s Ian and Penny again, right? Not as such. Winter of 2017 is going to be my most ambitious project yet. Say Goodbye To Hollywood is a stand-alone novel, totally unconnected to any of my current series. The heroine is a screenwriter adapting a blockbuster erotic novel, while also Domming the film’s producer and clashing with the writer of the book, a midwestern housewife-turned-diva who’s obsessed with preserving her masterpiece. It’s a sex/satire combo, and I’m going to have a really fun time writing it.

So, wait, when do we get Emir’s book? Emir’s book was supposed to come out in 2016, and I promised you all that it would. But there were elements of the plotting that weren’t clicking, so I’m going to let it slow-cook a little bit. I don’t want to rush something that I ultimately think will be a really satisfying book for fans of the Boss series.

Aside from that, I’ve still got all sorts of fun writer stuff happening behind the scenes, like two collaborations I’m just dying to reveal (but can’t yet) and of course continuing the quality nonsense you’ve all come to expect from this blog.

SECOND CHANCE is here!

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The cover of Second Chance shows a a shot of the Manhattan Bridge and the clocktower building in Brooklyn. There are two wide stripes, one blue and one white, across the middle of the cover, with the text "Second Chance" and "Internationally Bestselling Author Abigail Barnette." The bottom of the picture is two sets of legs, a woman and a man standing with their bare toes together.

 

Reunited with his unrelentingly sunny soul mate, Penny Parker, Ian Pratchett finds her hopeless romanticism is catching. Her influence—and an unconventional pact—make him believe in happily ever after again, though they know their future won’t be free from hurdles. 

But in the face of unpredictable changes, Penny’s bubbly optimism fades. As the woman he fell in love with slips away, Ian realizes he must share more of himself than ever before, or risk her happiness. And losing the love of his life is a mistake he won’t make twice. 

Amazon • Smashwords

The cover for second chance features a photo of the Manhattan Bridge, with the clocktower apartment building Ian lives in in the background. There is a white bar that reads "Second Chance" in bue and black text, and a blue bar with "Abigail Barnette" written in white beneath that. Under those, a picture of a man's legs in jeans, with bare feet are standing beside a woman with bare legs and feet, facing him on her tip toes. A small blue bar in the corner says "Penny"

After a passionate reunion, Penny Parker has a second chance with the love of her life, Ian Pratchett. But the problems that caused their breakup haven’t disappeared overnight. Nor have the objections of their friends and families. 

The thrill of a new beginning and an exhilarating secret bring Penny and Ian closer than ever, but when outside forces and personal disappointments threaten their fresh start, Penny must learn how to reach the guarded heart of the man she loves…before their happy ending drifts away. 

Amazon • Smashwords

*Contains content some readers who are pregnant, trying to conceive, or suffering a pregnancy loss may wish to avoid. For a more detailed disclaimer, please follow the link on the copyright page. Note: The extended warning will contain spoilers.

What A Fibromyalgia Flare Feels Like

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I blog openly about my mental health issues, and I think occasionally I mention that I have Fibromyalgia, a disorder that causes widespread pain and fatigue, as well as memory, concentration and sleep issues. One of the fun features of this condition (aside from the many friends it can bring along, like IBS, Interstitial Cystitis, Raynaud’s Phenomenon, depression, anxiety, and suicide) are “flares”, when your symptoms go from sucking on a daily basis to sucking five times harder on top of all five business days of sucking you’re already experiencing getting stacked on you all at once. It’s not great.

A lot of people in my life will hear me say, “I’m having a flare,” but I don’t think I’ve ever explained what that means. I’m going through one right now. It started last night, and I thought, “I should really pay attention, so I can tell people what happens and how.” So, here’s what happens when I have a Fibromyalgia flare. Other people might experience symptoms in a different way, this is just what happens to me:

1. I notice my face feels hot, like I’ve been out in the sun a little too long.

2. My fingers and feet swell up, and the joints become red and swollen.

3. That hot feeling in my face spreads through my whole body. It feels like having a fever, but if I take my temperature it’s normal. I still get chilled like I have a fever.

4. Raynaud’s Phenomenon makes my feet cold. They take on a bluish tint and hurt the way your hands hurt after you’ve played in the snow without mittens all recess. Socks, hot water bottles, etc. are kind of ineffective at this point, but I always try.

5. Fatigue. My entire body feels heavier. Today, even lifting my arms up to type has been a challenge (some days, it’s not even possible, or my hands hurt too much, so I use Dragon Naturally Speaking to do my work).

6. And let’s not forget pain! All of these symptoms come pretty much in this order, one right after the other, but sometimes I don’t realize I’m having a flare until the pain ramps up. My bones feel like there’s something that’s inside of them trying to push out. My muscles ache like the first day after a hard workout. When you have Fibromyalgia, there are specific spots on your body (and they’re basically the same on everyone) that are always painful to the touch, but they become super sensitive during flares. I would describe the sensation of triggering one of these areas as getting an electric shock, followed by a lingering, burning pain. Sometimes, just your clothes are enough pressure to cause this.

7. The pain causes lack of sleep, as well as lack of focus. If I can sleep, it’s not well, and I wake up tired. This contributes to my difficulties concentrating or communicating well. I end up reading the same page over and over, or starting to write something and wander away for a while, only to be surprised when I come back and realizing, oh, I didn’t finish that thought. I started writing this relatively simple post at 11:00. As I write this, it’s 12:21, and I’ve written 536 words.

Most of these symptoms are alleviated by marijuana, which (given my history of destructive, opiate-related behavior) is the only pain medication I trust. The only things it doesn’t help with are swelling, which I take ibuprofen for, and Raynaud’s, because what the hell even is Raynaud’s? Why does it do that? But yes, it even helps with the brain fog and concentration, depending on which strain you get.

If you suffer from Fibromyalgia, I’d be interested in hearing if we share any of the same symptoms during a flare. Sometimes, because of the attitudes toward it at the time I was getting diagnosed (and those are thankfully getting better), I still wonder if we’re all just making it up. Which is absurd, but when you hear it from doctors and random people who think the problem is that you’re not doing enough yoga, you start to doubt everything. Anyway, share in the comments, or if you have any questions about Fibromyalgia, just put them there, too.

Second Chance Sneak Peek #2!

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Remember last week, when I said I’d share another excerpt from Second Chance? And this time it would be Ian? And this time there would be spoilers? But you won’t be spoiled for long, because it’s out next Tuesday!

Disclaimer: this is the text as-is before copy-edit changes have been finalized. The final copy may contain superficial differences from the published version.

Second Chance kdp cover Ian small

Jenny Reads 50 Shades of Midnight Sun: Sunday, May 22, 2011 or “I’m not sure this whole day-by-day instead of chapter numbers thing is practical PART THREE”

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Just in case this franchise hasn’t ripped of Twilight enough, there are now rumors swirling that Jamie Dornan is cheating on his wife with Dakota Johnson. I’m not including any links, because there aren’t even half-way interesting sources carrying the “story”, but it certainly reminds me of that time Bella and Edward fell in love off-screen, then infidelity became involved. Except whereas Kristen Steward actually dated Robert Pattinson and cheated on him with someone else, where as Dornan is allegedly cheating on his wife with Johnson. And there’s very little proof that’s actually happening. Once again, Fifty Shades proves itself a grasping, lukewarm imitation of a superior franchise.

So, let’s just get through this.

Second Chance Sneak Peek!

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As promised, I have brought you a sneak peek of Second Chance! This week, from Penny’s POV. Disclaimer: this is the text as-is before copy-edit changes have been finalized. The final copy may contain superficial differences from the published version.

So much happens in this story, it was difficult to find a passage that wouldn’t give away spoilers, but I did it! Next week, you won’t be so lucky; there will be a major spoiler in Ian’s excerpt. But for now, let’s check in with Penny.

The cover for second chance features a photo of the Manhattan Bridge, with the clocktower apartment building Ian lives in in the background. There is a white bar that reads "Second Chance" in bue and black text, and a blue bar with "Abigail Barnette" written in white beneath that. Under those, a picture of a man's legs in jeans, with bare feet are standing beside a woman with bare legs and feet, facing him on her tip toes. A small blue bar in the corner says "Penny"