Trout Nation Posts

Good Monday, everyone! I’ve been super busy for the past few weeks getting Second Chance in shape to go out into the world, but now I feel like I can finally get my breath!

Speaking of Second Chance Tune in tomorrow for your first look at Second Chance. I’ll be releasing an excerpt tomorrow, and one next week, as we gear up for the books’ release!

Also speaking of Ian and Penny, First Time will be out as audiobooks this month from Tantor Media. Penny’s book will release on May 31, but Ian’s is already available. And the narrator’s voice is fantastic. I kind of listened to this one with my hands over my face, blushing.

Chicago area people! Come out and see me this weekend, Saturday, May 21, from 3-5 pm at the Hyatt Regency in Schaumburg. You can find more information, including a list of all all the amazing authors who’ll be there, here. I’ll be signing copies of The Baby and First Time, but you’re welcome to bring your books or your Kindle covers. I also give away free stuff like pens and bracelets, and that’s always fun, so come snag some of that and chat with me, if you’d like!

My Reading Challenge Progress!

I haven’t been reading as much lately because I’ve been working, but I did manage to get a few books in. In fairness, I’m pretty sure one of them was like nine billion pages.

A Book You Haven’t Read Since High School: Fear Street Cheerleaders: The First Evil, by R.L. Stine. I don’t remember why I thought to look these books up again, but I’m glad I did. I cheated on this entry a bit; I didn’t read this book when I was in high school. I read it in seventh or eighth grade. My problem is that I don’t remember reading anything for pleasure in high school that wasn’t written by Anne Rice, and while I absolutely still treasure those books, I don’t want to taint my memory with a reread by present day, post-feud me. So, I fudged and reached back a little further. I remembered a lot of FSC:TFE as happening differently, probably from reading all three books back-to-back-to-back. I forgot like half the characters. Reading it as an adult who knows the horror formula now from other movies and books, it all came back to me pretty quickly and I was like, “Oh my gosh, how did I not see this coming?” when I got to the twists that shocked me as a kid. Still, it stands the test of time. When do we get a Fear Street Cheerleaders movie?

A Book That’s At Least 100 Years Older Than You: Anne, by Constance Fenimore Woolson. I originally picked this for “A book set in your home state”, due to the title character living on Mackinac Island, but switched categories when I found that the majority of the story takes place off the island. It is now one of my favorite books. I could write an entire post about all the things that make this book so great, but I’ll keep it brief: Anne, the eldest daughter of an elderly widower, finds herself forced into New York society through a series of various events. The drama is real. Anne becomes best friends with a glamorous woman who later becomes a romantic rival. Anne, despite being engaged to her childhood love, becomes the object of affection to not one, but two suitors. Anne becomes a teacher, a singer, an amateur botanist, a Civil War battlefield nurse, a detective, and a murder trial’s star witness. It’s just like, the biggest soap opera ever. There are definitely some “sign of the times” issues; Anne’s biracial half-siblings are frequently described as being savage or conniving due to their Chippewa heritage. I found it interesting, though, that while two of the black characters in the book were referred to with the n-word once, it was used in dialogue by a character we were meant to dislike, as proof of what a shitty person they were. It really smashed the “it was okay back then” argument for me when I read that. White people, we knew that was not an okay word that far back. Stop using that stupid defense.

A Political Memoir The Speech Writer: A Brief Education in Politics, by Barton Swaim. I wanted to pick something off the beaten path for this one. Swaim isn’t a politician, but he was hired as a speech writer for then-governor of South Carolina, Mark Sanford. Though sometimes I rolled my eyes at Swaim’s self-importance (he tends to make snotty comments about the grammar of non-writers), I really enjoyed this behind-the-scenes look at the train wreck governor who comes off as a mix of Kevin Spacey in Swimming With Sharks, Michael Scott from The Office, and Scrooge from A Christmas Carol (Swaim describes Sanford cutting a piece from an employee’s birthday cake and walking away without even wishing the woman a happy birthday). By the time the narrative reaches Sanford’s bizarre 2009 disappearance and the revelation of his extramarital affair, I was weirdly invested, and as torn between dislike of the governor and pity for him. If you’re a fan of The Thick Of It or Veep, this book was like if Armando Iannucci wrote real life.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print right now. I’m sure I’m forgetting something, but aren’t I always?

CW: Suicide

Here we are, at the last episode of the entire series. Which, if you check interviews as recent as 2013 with certain cast members, isn’t the end. There’s still talk that Bruno Heller is adapting the series into a movie, or crafting a third season. Which makes the ambiguity at the end of the show make a lot more sense.

Quick rundown of the episode:  Mark Antony’s bid against Octavian has failed. He has literally hit a dead end, because Octavian is going to be coming for Egypt and Antony with murder on his mind. In the forum, the news reader describes the victory, and calls Antony Cleopatra’s slave, and her a witch. So public sentiment has turned, most definitely.

At a dinner party with the mean girls, Livia tells a long, dramatic story about how cowardly Antony is. Octavia is at the point where she hates her brother and his wife so much, she’ll actually defend her husband. Meanwhile, Atia is catatonic with wondering what happened to turn her son into a monster.

I don’t want to point fingers here, Atia.

Antony promises Octavian that he’ll retire from public life if Octavian promises to let Cleopatra and her kids keep on ruling. Octavian wants nothing short of total surrender, and wants Pullo to convince Vorenus to open the palace so they can storm it, rather than burn it. They need a way to make it clear to Vorenus that the message is coming from Pullo, so Pullo tells them to mention his son, since Vorenus is the only other person who knows that Caesarion is his child. Pullo passes this off as an inside joke.

Inside the palace, that orgy scene from The Matrix: Reloaded is happening when Octavian’s messenger shows up to give him the bad news. Antony has moved on to his Apocalypse Now Brando phase. He’s all puffy and sweaty. Cleopatra suggests they escape the palace and live life on the run, but Antony thinks suicide is probably the better option. Vorenus tells the messenger that Pullo’s son is well, but those gates are not going to open, no matter what. Antony tells the messenger that he’ll engage Octavian mano a mano.

Which, of course, Octavian rejects totally. He knows he can’t burn down the palace or lay siege to it, so he sends Cleopatra a secret message while Antony kills a palace onlooker who laughs at him when he falls down. Antony asks the dude, “Do I amuse you? Am I a fucking clown?” because apparently Bruno Heller is really into Goodfellas.

The message Octavian sends Cleopatra promises that she, her children, and Egypt will be safe if she hands over Antony, dead or alive. Cleopatra is heartbroken, because she knows betraying Antony is dishonorable. She and Antony make a plan to kill themselves in the morning, because she doesn’t want to die in the dark. Antony decides to spend his last night on Earth drinking with Vorenus and remembering the men they’ve fought with over the years. Antony passes out in the throne room, and when he wakes, Cleopatra’s slave gives him the news that the queen has already killed herself. Antony is despondent. He kills himself by falling on Vorenus’s sword.

Vorenus dresses Antony and places him on the throne, at which point Cleopatra, totally not dead, comes in. Vorenus loses it and tells the queen she’s lucky he doesn’t kill her. He tells her that Octavian is going to take her back to Rome as a trophy, and murder Caesarion. Vorenus tells Cleopatra that he’s going to take Caesarion to his real father to protect him, but she’s like, uh, no, Octavian said everything is cool. But she sends Caesarion with Vorenus, anyway, and they escape the city.

Cleopatra meets with Octavian, who, in a spectacularly cold exchange of fake pleasantries that would make his mama proud, suggests that Cleopatra immediately leave with him to go to Rome. Like, tomorrow. Cleopatra realizes that everything Vorenus says is true; she’s going to be paraded through the forum like a prisoner of war and humiliated. She goes back to the throne room, where she apologizes to Antony’s dead body and commits orgasmic suicide by snake.

I wonder what happens if you want to commit suicide by snake and you can’t get the snake to bite you.

Octavian realizes too late that this might go down, and he should have taken her hostage when he had the chance. By the time they return to the palace, Cleopatra is already dying. With her final breaths, she tells Octavian that he has a rotten soul. Which is the kind of the thing that can shake up even Octavian. It’s worse when he tells Agrippa what she said, and Agrippa doesn’t really argue with that.

Pullo finds Vorenus’s picture of Niobe, and he realizes that Vorenus has taken Caesarion to safety. Still not vibing on the dynamic, Octavian sends Pullo after Vorenus and the boy. Meanwhile, Caesarion is having a real hard time grasping that he’s not royalty anymore. Pullo arrives and breaks the news to the kid that his mom killed herself, in the sensitive manner we’ve all come to expect from Pullo. He and Vorenus plan a route to get Caesarion out of Egypt.

Meanwhile, in Rome, Octavian brings Antony’s kids by Cleopatra to Octavia, like, hey, your husband sired these kids, they’re your problem now. Oh, and by the way, mom, your true love killed himself. Atia pretends to take it well, but obviously she’s destroyed.

In Egypt, Pullo and Vorenus run afoul of some Roman soldiers. They pretend to be grain merchants, but Caesarion blows their cover when he responds to a soldier who calls him “your highness”. Vorenus and Pullo take on the soldiers and kill them all, but Vorenus is seriously wounded. He’s worried he’s going to die, and he tells Pullo to take him back to Rome, because he doesn’t want to die on the Egyptian Road Trip That Never Ends.

Octavian’s triumph is coming up, but Atia is too despondent to go. Octavia reminds her that this triumph is the culmination of a lifetime of political maneuvering and personal manipulation. She tells her mother that

Somehow, Vorenus has survived an entire month with a gut wound. I feel like if you’ve survived for that long, you’re probably going to be fine, but we never find out if he is or not. There is a long, glorious moment in which Pullo and Vorenus hold hands, until Vorena the Elder comes in and kisses her father’s forehead. All the kids come in, and apparently they forgive him.

At the triumph, all the women are lining up. Livia tells Octavia that Octavian will be angry that Atia isn’t there. Livia tells everyone to line up “in order of precedence,” and Atia enters looking like a goddamn black widow spider. She breezes right past Livia, to the head of the processional. Livia tries to put Atia in her place by telling her that the priests say the wife should walk ahead of the mother. To which Atia says, and this is a direct quote, “I don’t give a fuck what the priests say. I’ll not let a vicious little trollop like you walk ahead of me. I go first.” And Livia tries to call her crazy, in the most saccharine way possible. As Octavia looks on proudly, Atia tells her, “You’re swearing now that someday, you’ll destroy me. Remember, far better women than you have sworn to do the same. Go and look for them now.”

And then this shot happens:

But for as triumphant as Atia is in the moment, she’s totally cold as she watches her son riding into the forum as Caesar. They parade the rotting corpses of Antony and Cleopatra through the streets, and Atia turns to her son, realizing she’s basically worked her entire life to destroy herself and put a monster on the throne.

After the triumph, Pullo goes to Octavian and tells him that he killed Caesarion and meant to bring back the boy’s head, but it was so rotten he had to throw it away. He tells Octavian that Vorenus “didn’t make it”, but since he’s lying about everything else, it’s probably safe to say he’s lying about Vorenus’s death, too. As Pullo walks through the streets with his son, who has vengeance on his mind. He’s going to bring glory back to his father’s name, to which Pullo says, “Listen…about your father.”

And that’s it. That’s the whole series.

My favorite part of the episode: Atia’s bad ass confrontation with Livia. Even after Servillia’s curse, even after losing the love of her life and watching her son turn into a monster and her daughter turn into, well, her, she comes out with her dignity in tact. And that might not seem like much considering how terrible her life is turning out, but to Atia, appearances are more important than anything, so in a way, she’s won.

My least favorite part of the episode: When Cleopatra realizes that Vorenus is right, and she’s now basically Octavian’s slave. I feel so bad for Cleopatra throughout this series, because she’s always on the run or doing something she has to do to keep her country safe. And everything is really sad, because I think she did love Antony, even though she was manipulating him the entire time. Then she has to lose her children

Favorite costume: I have not given enough love to the News Reader, so for this final week, this spot goes to him and his fantastic teal getup.

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Atia all the way. She’s classy enough to give a nod to Servilia when she verbally smacks Livia, but confident enough to remind everyone who the real winner is in Rome.

@gfortin_05 So since the show was never renewed, Vorenus is now Schrodinger’s Roman: both dead and alive. #LegionXIII

— Gabe (@gfortin_05) May 10, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? I’m going to go with Atia’s dress for the triumph, because it seems like the kind of thing Bronwyn would actually wear.

Guess Jess’s head canon. Vorenus doesn’t die. He recovers, and he and Pullo finally realize their love and bisexuality, together.

That’s it for #LegionXIII. Thank you to everyone who joined us on Monday nights for a good time! Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess’s hand lost a fight to an avocado about halfway through this season.

Long before the internet, cover models became viral sensations. As “The Topaz Man,” Steve Sandalis graced the covers of over 700 novels. CJ Hollenbach has been a fan favorite at conventions for over twenty years. And the average shopper probably can’t walk past the dairy case without thinking of Fabio (the undisputed king of romance) and his disbelief with regards to imitation butter spreads.

For as long as modern romances have existed, male models have been an integral part of their marketing. Readers love them, and love interacting with them. In 2016, Nightline somehow managed to go to a convention full of women and single out these men to profile (rather than the female authors or readers who drive the industry).

How important are models? You can see the perspectives of readers in the video, but as one woman bluntly stated, “If the book ain’t good, you can always put it on the shelf and look at it, honey.” Author Beth Williamson stated that the cover of the book was “almost” more important the content, because it was all about making a first impression with the reader. That’s not a reality that’s lost on authors or publishers. But recent developments within the romance community have many questioning just how important these men are to the success of the genre–and how much authors and readers are willing to put up with.

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Since Fabio’s heyday, fan interaction has been an important part of a model’s career. In a 2015 story for Jezebel, Romantic Times founder Katheryn Falk explained the appeal that made the golden one so popular:

Katheryn Falk, the founder of Romantic Times, says a great cover model can “look a woman in the eye.” Falk adds, “Like Fabio, he was bigger than life. He thought every woman was beautiful. And he had a lot of charisma. The accent, the name. He wasn’t overdoing it, but he would pay attention. He would look them in the eye. He appreciated women and it was part of his nature and part of his charisma that all women ruled over him.”

The personality of a model was once as important as looks in becoming the object of reader fantasy. Respecting the authors and readers wasn’t just a key to success; it was a job requirement.

So, where did it all go wrong?

Recently, Faith*, an author, pleaded with romance readers and writers via Facebook, warning them of a model she’d worked with who’d harassed and stalked her. Faith says the model repeatedly asked her sexually inappropriate questions via text message, tried to pressure her into signing a contract guaranteeing him a portion of her royalties, and physically threatened her at an event. Faith initially feared retribution from her publishers and from convention directors who’d warned her against going public. Even when she eventually did, she declined to mention the model’s name. Emboldened by Faith’s story, other authors who’d had similar interactions with the model came forward, and were more than willing to name Jackson Young as their tormentor.

Public content on Young’s Facebook page features bible verses and a profile photo declaring that he loves his mother. Readers and authors have tagged him in photos from the Romantic Times convention in Las Vegas, declaring how much they enjoyed meeting him. This public persona of the aww-shucks-cornfed-country-boy has given him ample camouflage to abuse the women signing his paychecks, as well as the voracious readers who swoon over his appearance on their favorite novels. When the story went public, readers and authors alike rushed to defend him and declare Faith a liar and an attention seeker.

Another model, Paul Blake, recently posted the following tirade on Facebook:

I’m going to keep this real simple. If I see you post anything that has to do with body shaming I will delete you. Let me clarify. If you are That person that has a weight problem and your always posting these memes about how it is wrong to “body shame” I am deleting you!!!! Becaaaaaaause you are the reason many of our youth is thinking it’s okay to be obese. Idiot!!!!! You SHOULD be ashamed of yourself.

When one woman objected, Blake responded:

you should go eat your last Dairy Queen Blizzard and then hang yourself in the closet

Screenshots of the altercation quickly circulated on social media, yet some of Blake’s fans still felt that his “honesty” was refreshing. One wrote:

I know so many “big girls” who are big by choice because of poor diet and lack of exercise that have passed their poor eating habits on to their children and it frustrates me so much! Then yeah will be like curvy girls do it better and I just want to slap them because curves means you have big hips and a smaller waist line not a muffin top hence the word “curves”! I agree with you completely. Preach on, I love it!

Blake’s response?

Thank you that’s what I’m talking about I care nothing about book covers or a following. Im not a fuckin celebrity.

When damning evidence of his behavior circulated, he warned one woman via Facebook messenger:

You and all the other fat slob offers going screenshot this and pass it around I don’t give two f**** what you old horny b****** think about me that’s why your big fat ass sits behind the f******* computer and types romance novels about the dick you will never have you will all pathetic lazy b******* so you can say what you want just like I say what I want I don’t give two s****

How did the genre move from readers worshipping at the feet of Fabio, a man who worshipped and valued each and every one of them right back, to muscle-bound meatheads who proudly degrade women and tell them to kill themselves?

Romance novels have always been the domain of women, from the majority of editorial staff, agents who represent clients within the genre, to the authors and readers. Even romance novels about gay men are written and consumed predominately by cis heterosexual women. The genre has made millionaires (Nora Roberts, E.L. James, Danielle Steel, among others), and boasts a loyal and hungry fanbase. So then why, in an industry driven by women, are these abuses allowed to happen?

The actions of these men are their own responsibility, and only they are accountable for them. But the fostering of the toxic culture within romance that has elevated them to near untouchable status lies squarely on the industry. Authors, publishers, and conventions have gleefully touted the importance of a square jaw and rock-hard abs as an integral part of fully enjoying the romance experience. Some authors even hire their cover models to attend their signings, in the hopes of drawing a larger crowd. When the models begin to believe that they’re so important or noteworthy that they no longer need the authors or readers, something has to give.

Change in the genre must come from within. While many authors and readers stepped up to publicly shame Blake and Young, social media outcry isn’t enough to protect future victims of harassment. Authors and publishers must agree to stop hiring any amateur with a nice body because he’ll settle for a low paycheck. Background checks should be mandatory before models can attend reader events (during the social media backlash, Blake boasted to one author that he had spent time in prison on weapons charges). And when an author or reader levies serious accusations against a model, those accusations should be investigated, not hushed up. Romance is a billion dollar industry. Surely it can afford to safeguard its readers and authors.

*Name changed to protect the individual

When last we met, Hamech had arrived and was blasting the college all to hell. Dr. Z had just headed directly into danger and probably died (the way he should have long ago, when the Hero’s Journey demanded it), and everyone is in the big government warehouse.

Quick rundown of the episode: Vorenus dreams that he’s in bed with Niobe (Indira Varma got before-the-credits billing for just rolling over, smiling, and kissing Kevin McKidd, so things are really coming up Indira), but he’s slept with an Egyptian woman. He’s been in Egypt for a while. Long enough for Posca to become a pot head who avoids Antony and Cleopatra, because they’ve become tyrants with no respect for human life. They’re using slaves dressed in deer skins for a hunting game involving real arrows and real death, and barely paying attention to the Roman senators who have come to negotiate a deal with Antony. Rome needs grain because its people are starving. All Antony cares about is his popularity with the people in Rome, and the chances of getting Octavian to declare war against him.

So, how long has it been since the last episode, exactly? Long enough that Cleopatra has bore Antony two children who are now preschoolers, and Gaia has moved easily into Eirene’s place. Pullo has also moved up, taking over Vorenus’s place as leader of the collegium. Because of the grain shortage, he’s not a popular dude. Starving people are demanding more grain rations, which Pullo can’t give them.

Vorena the Elder appears to have joined whatever religious order her aunt has, and Lucius has finally aged. That kid was five for five years, I swear. After the big fight at the end of the last episode, Pullo has been keeping a now-tongueless Memio in a cage and feeding him scraps. So, don’t cross Pullo, I guess.

Even though Antony is refusing to send grain, and the newsreader is telling everyone what’s up, the people still love Antony more than Octavian, and Octavian knows that if he declares war against Antony, everything is going to go to shit real fast. Octavian suspects Antony’s weakness is probably Cleopatra, and gets this great idea to send Octavia to Egypt to negotiate with her husband. Octavia says he should send Atia, and Octavian is like, yeah, you should both go. Atia is all for it, because she’s still waiting for Antony to send for her. Also, because both women are still under house arrest. Atia puts the squeeze on her son, asking for a villa in Capri, and cash for Octavia.

Vorenus tells Caesarion about his father. Not Caesar, but Pullo, the kid’s real father, dressed up as stories of Caesar. Vorenus is the only member of the household who doesn’t coddle Caesarion, and it seems to be something the kid wants, and he respects Vorenus for it.

When Octavia and Atia arrive in Egypt, Antony won’t see them. He’s too busy getting all opiumed up with his his new girlfriend, who wants Antony to murder Atia as proof of his love. When Atia refuses, it sparks a huge fight that goes from Antony and Cleopatra beating the fuck out of each other to Antony and Cleopatra just fucking, all while Atia and Octavia wilt outside in the heat. Jocasta comes outside to chat about styles and bitch about the queen, but Posca comes and herds her back inside. Cleopatra insists that it’s a good idea to send Octavia away and start a war, and Antony agrees; Vorenus tells Octavia and Atia that they have to turn around and go home. Atia is crushed and humiliated, and it would be heartbreaking if you don’t remember that in the grand scheme of things, getting dumped is hardly payback for all the evil shit she’s done in her life.

Because war is on the way, Posca and Jocasta intend to flee Egypt with nothing more than what they can carry. Vorenus catches them, but Jocasta begs him not to tell Antony. Vorenus lets them go, and sends a message for Pullo and the children. When he sees Antony, he tells him that things did not go well. They did not go well at all. Vorenus gives Antony Octavia’s message about him being cowardly scum. Vorenus tells Antony that he’s not a coward, but that he has a disease in his soul, and Vorenus knows because he has the same disease. And Caesarion watches this whole exchange like, fuuuuuuck, this is what I have to be when I grow up?

Having returned to Rome, Atia smacks Octavian, because she’s figured out that he’d sent her to Egypt to be shunned on purpose. She tells him to keep the villa he promised her, she just wants him to destroy Antony and Cleopatra. Speaking of their deaths, Posca has stolen their will. In it, Antony declares Cleopatra is his wife and gives all the eastern provinces to their children, and promises Rome to Caesarion. The newsreader is having the best week ever, telling a horrified crowd that Antony has turned his back on Rome, started wearing makeup, worships Egyptian dog gods, and, perhaps most horrible of all, dances with cymbals. Octavian uses the same sensational news to rile up the senate, and insinuates that Antony has been bewitched by Cleopatra.

Octavian asks Titus Pullo to go to Egypt with him, in the hopes he can talk to Vorenus and get something done from the inside. Pullo is reluctant, until Octavian mentions that Caesarion will have to be killed. And since Pullo knows that’s his kid, that sways him to go. He gives the children the message about Vorenus sending them kisses, and they’re like, fuck our dad, our mom is still dead, so we still hate him.

While Pullo packs to go to Egypt, he notices that Memio has broken out of his cage. Memio attacks Pullo, but Gaia stops him and gets stabbed in the process. As she’s dying, she confesses to Pullo (who’s fallen in love with her and can’t figure out why the fuck this is happening to him again) that she killed Eirene. Pullo goes from “oh no, she’s going to die,” to “fuck this bitch,” in like two seconds. He crushes Gaia’s windpipe, then takes her dead body out into the street and dumps her like garbage.

My favorite part of the episode: The gratuitous violent sex between Livia and Octavian, which involves slapping and choking and actually takes place in a red room. How could I not find that funny?

My least favorite part of the episode: As much as I hate Gaia, I hate the fact that she dies even more. I mean, yes, it’s satisfying to see her get her comeuppance, but that’s only until you remember that she exists entirely to set Pullo up for as much man-pain as possible. Gaia arrives on the scene, kills Eirene, then is killed by Pullo, all so we can see him go through something. And it’s not anything that’s important to the story. You could cut Eirene’s death and Gaia from the plot line and nothing changes. So what was the purpose? Pullo killed Eirene’s bethrothed, so Pullo is punished by Eirene’s death. Gaia killed Eirene, so she’s punished by death at Pullo’s hands. The only real consequence Pullo has faced in the narrative as a result of what he did to Eirene’s boyfriend is that Eriene died. Nothing has happened to him, it’s all just happened to the women around him. That’s some bullshit.

Favorite costume: I’m going to start with my least favorite costume, thank you very much. Cleopatra’s flea market Ankh earrings:

With all the attention to detail this show invests in costuming, why the hell did someone think these clearly modern earrings that someone probably picked up at Claire’s or Icing were a great idea for a closeup?

My most favorite costume? Antony’s man-romper. Antony has had so many wild looks this season.

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Team Servilia is still going strong, as Atia’s life continues to crumble to ashes.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

Antony has a henna douche-tat. SO EGYPTIAN. MUCH CULTURE. #LegionXIII

— Lauren Billingsley (@Noisy_ninja) May 3, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? I feel like I’m always picking Octavia for this, but she really does dress in stuff that Bronwyn would covet:

Guess Jess’s head canon. Vorenus telling such fond memories of Pullo to Caesarion only proves that Vorenus misses and loves Pullo.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess is still nursing her injury from the fight she lost to an avocado, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode ten, “About Your Father”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

On April 26th, I bought Leanna Renee Hieber’s Strangely Beautiful on my Kindle Fire. On May 2nd, I still had the option to return it. I’m not a fast reader, and honestly, I haven’t even cracked it open yet (I read it years ago, before it went out of print, and desperately needed it in my library again), but when my eyes were younger and my attention span longer, I could have easily devoured it in a few days, with room to spare to request that Amazon return my money.

Amazon will refund readers for an e-book purchase within seven days, regardless of how much content has been read. At first glance, this might seem like good customer service. I’ve certainly thought so in the past when I’ve accidentally purchased a digital duplicate copy of a paperback I already owned. Still, this is something I’ve done rarely–twice, if I remember correctly–and each time I worried that my return might affect the book’s sales ranking.

Other people, it seems, do not feel that kind of guilt. Last week, a story circulated on social media that outraged readers, writers, and book bloggers alike. An author (who appears to have removed their original post) received an email from a reader who, writer M.A. Knopp reports, wasn’t happy with the price point of the books they’d enjoyed:

Dear Ms. Author.

I really like your books. I think they are well-written and I enjoyed reading them. (So far, so good, right? Hang on.) However, I have returned them all because you priced them at $0.99 to $2.99, and that is too much to pay for them. I can’t afford to pay that much for a book, even though I liked it. In the future, can you make sure you make all your books free so I don’t have to return them?

Free e-books, which were once considered a promotional tool or a gift from authors to their loyal readers, are now an expectation. Despite the endless options for free digital reading from sites like Wattpad and An Archive Of Our Own, some readers feel that all content should be free, regardless of whether or not the author is a professional who relies on writing for their income.

“Why would you think our job is any different than your job–you know, the one you are supposed to go to so you can pay for your entertainment?” author Becky McGraw asks. “Authors work twelve to sixteen hours a day at our job to produce books for your entertainment.”

On the surface, Amazon return scams seem no different from piracy. But whereas readers who pirate ebooks seek out a particular torrent with a title already in mind, Amazon’s return policy allows unscrupulous readers to browse at their leisure and easily download the content to their devices.

Author Bianca Sommerland understands the difference between piracy and what’s happening at Amazon: “With pirates, it sucks. It’s horrible, but those people aren’t buying books. That isn’t money I would have made. They wouldn’t have given me a cent.” Since Amazon doesn’t seem interested in dealing with the issue, Sommerland says, “I almost want to raise my prices so those people worry a little more about the charges, but I won’t punish the rest of my readers for the few assholes.”

The results of an informal survey asking authors to report their April sales and returns showed numbers ranging anywhere from 1.2% in overall returns, to a whopping 40.1%. Losing 40% of a monthly income would be devastating to any household; to authors, it could mean future releases are spaced out further or cancelled altogether.

The timing of the returns is also particularly cruel. Author Stella Price reported that her return rate can be devastating during the week of a book’s release, usually the most financially profitable time for an indie author: “I might end up selling 70, but I have 20-30 returned in a day.” It’s become such a problem that it has influenced Price’s recent decision to stop publishing in the e-book market. It’s a choice that has made some of her readers unhappy, but with such a high digital return rate, she sees no other option.

That’s not to say that all returns are fraudulent. Books purchased by accident in the Kindle app can be easily returned within seconds by clicking a link on the purchase screen. Honest mistakes happen; anyone can fumble their device and hit the One-Click button. But not all mistakes are so honest.

“I had a group of at least 5 returns on each book in the Cobra series last month,” Sommerland says. “They came close together. Maybe I’m imagining things, but the way they were spaced, it seemed like the books were read, then returned as each person in this group finished the book.”

When customers return a book due to formatting errors or an egregious number of grammar offenses, Amazon sends the author a notice asking for corrections. But in the case of Sommerland’s books, “There’s no report of errors or anything that would explain this. And if you don’t like a book, you don’t get the next one, right?”

Some readers recognize the potential harm return scams can inflict on authors who make their living writing. Blogger Alisha Webber started a Change.org petition in the hopes that Amazon will take notice and change their policies. “They’re blatantly stealing from authors and Amazon is sitting on the sidelines pretending it isn’t happening,” Webber writes. “We need to prevent the return of books read past 15% along with refusing returns after a few days. We can’t allow this theft to continue.” At the time this article was written, the petition had over 7,000 signatures.

Compared to Amazon’s policies on returning downloadable software (you can’t) or streaming movies (within twenty-four hours, and only if you haven’t accessed the content), Webber’s proposal seems modest. Amazon allows generous sampling of e-books prior to purchase, allowing customers a chance to gauge not only their interest in the content, but the quality of the work. This courtesy isn’t extended to software, games, or movies, yet those items are considered a final sale after purchase or partial consumption. Amazon has the ability to track the reading progress of an individual e-book; it’s how they evaluate royalties paid to authors in their Kindle Unlimited program. If the ability to prevent fraudulent returns exists, why would Amazon allow them to continue?

As more writers are forced to change their business model or hike their prices due to abuses of the Amazon return policy, readers will feel the pinch, too. “Actors don’t act for free, painters don’t paint for free, and authors don’t write for free,” McGraw points out. “You want us to keep writing books? Stop the freaking theft!”

The original title of this post said “cover real”. It is the real cover, obviously, but more importantly, it’s a cover REVEAL.

Good Monday, everyone! I promised everyone I would have information today about Ian and Penny’s second book(s), Second Chance. Here’s the cover:

Now, about that release date: You don’t have very long to wait at all! Second Chance will be available in e-book on May 31. I’ll have a blurb and preview post to remind you as the day approaches, don’t worry.

Now, a spoiler warning: It picks up just a few hours after First Time left off, so if you haven’t read The Baby from the Sophie Scaife books, and intend to, definitely read The Baby while you wait for Second Chance to be released.

CW: Rape (although honestly, CW: rape for the whole show from here out)

Quick rundown of the episode: Octavian sets the tone for this episode by talking to a group of Roman women about the “steely virtue” of Roman women, and how he’s going to enact laws that punish promiscuity and reward fertility, so basically he’s establishing Ye Olde Republican Party. He goes directly from this speech to meet a woman and proposition her, suggesting that divorcing her husband would be no big deal. So, virtue, infidelity, blah blah blah, he just stole a wife from her husband.

Timon and his family leave Rome, and the show, for good, with their storyline pretty much unresolved. Glad it took up so much screen time for no reason.

Jocasta is super enjoying being married to Posca, because he indulges her every whim. She can’t move without her jewelry clacking. Posca and Micenas have a plan to steal money from a bribe that Octavian is sending by way of the collegium. The guy who’s name I can never remember, who’s the “third man” in the gang is mad that Pullo is getting the job guarding the gold, and he storms off.

As predicted last week, Gaia gives Eirene the abortifacient in her tea, and she dies. Here lies Eirene, the only decent person on the entire show, murdered to cause Pullo manpain.

The shipment of bribe gold gets ambushed, and Mascius (who gets the job guarding the gold after all, since Pullo is catatonic with grief) gets seriously wounded. The gold is gone. Micenas says it’s convenient that the only person Octavian trusted suddenly couldn’t guard the gold, and Antony takes that as an accusation. Micenas thinks Posca has double crossed him with Antony.

Meanwhile, Vorenus goes to see Memio (what is up with all the M names?), who is drinking and whoring like there’s no tomorrow, but who insists he doesn’t know anything about the stolen gold. He assembles all the rival gang leaders together and tells them it’s time to overthrow Vorenus. They’re all like, you took Vorenus’s gold, stop making it our problem. And by the way, Memio totally stole the fucking gold. He uses it to buy off the other mobsters.

Pissed off about the gold the suspected double-cross, Micenas tells Octavian that his mom is still fucking Antony, and that Octavia didn’t tell him because she’s busy banging Agrippa. Octavian calls the family together and airs all their business like it’s Thanksgiving. Agrippa admits to his affair with Octavia, resulting in Octavian putting his mother and sister under permanent house arrest and banishing Antony from Rome.

Vorenus is about to have Pullo kill Mascius for betraying them and stealing the gold, when he sees one of the straw dolls the fiddly, greasy guy has been making Vorena the Elder. Vorenus confronts his daughter, who totally takes responsibility for betraying him and telling Memio about the route for the gold. And he’s like, why would you do that, and she points out all the egregious shit he did to them, like kill their mother (the kids don’t know that he didn’t), and curse them to Hades, resulting in their enslavement. He strangles her, but Pullo stops him before he can actually kill Vorena in front of the other children.

Antony is banished to Egypt. He goes to see Atia first, and promises he’ll send for her when he can.

Vorenus tells Antony he resigns from the collegium, citing personal reasons, and promises that the gold will be returned. He practically begs Antony to take him to Egypt, and Antony is like, you’re a fuck up, but I need guys on my side. Vorenus leaves his kids in Pullo’s protection, and the two men say nearly-tearful goodbyes to each other.

Meanwhile, on house arrest, Octavia is taking out her boredom on the houseplants when Atia tells her that Agrippa is in the kitchen. But Agrippa isn’t there for funsies; he tells Octavia that basically he’s choosing loyalty to her brother over her. He won’t help Octavia escape, because Octavian has the right to lock her up. In other words, this prick was happy to dance to the tune, but he’s going to make Octavia pay the piper. Octavia tells Agrippa she’s pregnant, and he’s all, “Who’s the father?” and she says it doesn’t matter because both options are shitty. She’s not wrong.

Now that everybody knows that Memio stole the gold, it’s time for a rumble on the Aventine. Pullo and Memio parlay, but Pullo apparently doesn’t know what that means, because he headputs Memio and bites his tongue out. Then he hurls an axe into greasy guy’s chest, and bam, everybody was kung fu fighting. Even Gaia, who is finally given something to do besides use her sexuality for evil.

Antony arrives in Rome, where he’s met by Cleopatra. We all pretty much know where that goes from here.

My favorite part of the episode: When Octavian Grey tells Livia that he plans to get sexual pleasure from beating her. I guess his tastes are “very singular”. He gives her about as much agency in the decision as Christian Grey gave Ana Steele, and it’s just about as romantic.

My least favorite part of the episode: Let’s talk about how fucked up Eirene’s storyline is. She starts off as a slave, gets freed by the master who raped her, he kills the man she loves, she tries to kill him, ends up marrying him instead, gets pregnant, then gets murdered by a woman who sees her as competition. The audience is supposed to go, “Okay, this is fair payback. Pullo killed the person she loved, now he’s lost the person he loves.” Which is bullshit, because Eirene doesn’t deserve to die to teach Pullo a lesson or further his characterization.

In the meantime, we’ve got Gaia, who exists only to murder Eirene. Name a single thing she’s done of importance to the plot other than poisoning Eirene. Her sole function in the story is to be the conniving, jealous female. Why? Because it has an effect on the characterization of male character.

At least Atia, Octavia, Cleopatra and Servilia were given motivations that weren’t solely wrapped up in a man’s journey. Eirene and Gaia aren’t so lucky, and that pisses me off.

Favorite costume: Jocasta’s purple dress and mauve veil:

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Since Servilia is dead, you’d think this question wouldn’t have much of an answer, but Servilia’s curse seems to be playing out, so gotta give it to Servilia this time.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

You know Pullo’s depressed when he needs to be TOLD to drink something. #LegionXIII

— Gabe (@gfortin_05) April 26, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? The dress itself isn’t that exciting, but the fabric is light and has a delicate pattern, so I’m going to go with Octavia’s lavender/blue-ish dress:

Guess Jess’s head canon. Her boys have broken up, but they parted tenderly, with face touches, a hug, and a kiss on the cheek. A shipper can’t ask for much more without something becoming truly canon.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess is still nursing her injury from the fight she lost to an avocado, and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode nine, “No God Can Stop A Hungry Man”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!

Hello everybody! I’m not dead! Isn’t that great? I’ve just been super busy getting Second Chance ready for it’s big day. When is that big day? Well, I’ll tell you on Monday, when I reveal the cover and release date right here on this very blog.

Because of this, my serialized projects are back-burnered until June. If you’re a Patreon supporter, you should have gotten a message about that, and Wattpad followers of The Afflicted should also have gotten one, so this probably doesn’t come as a shock to any of you. But I’m covering my bases.

In personal news, I’m so happy to announce that D-Rock’s dog, Muggsy, who lived with us for about a year while D-Rock also lived here, has come to stay permanently. You may remember my cousin D-Rock from our brief YouTube show, Roadhouse. Nowadays she’s living in the Aleutian Islands, working as a hyperbaric welder and a boat nanny in Dutch Harbor. She recently made a very surprise visit to us. By very surprise, I mean that she didn’t call me before traveling all the way here. I was in bed and my bedroom door burst open with a shout of “Melissa!” to herald her arrival.

Anyway, Muggsy (a.k.a. Muggs, Mugzilla, Mugzoo, Tubbsy, and Tubszilla) the senior Pit Bull is our newest family member, and she looks pretty psyched to be here. I think she missed us:

So, hence the lack of updates: I’ve been busy writing, editing, and snuggling this cute ass dog.

Next week, I’ll return with an Apolonia recap.

CW: Rape (although honestly, CW: rape for the whole show from here out)

This week I didn’t realize what day it was. I thought this was still Thursday, so the post is late. Mea Culpla. OMG that, works, because Rome/Latin get it?!

Quick rundown of the episode: Real super quick this week, actually. Servilia, destroyed by her son’s death and what amounts to a complete check mate between her and Atia, mounts a days-long call out/curse combo and kills herself in front of Atia’s door. Later, when Atia suggests a strategic marriage between Antony and herself, Octavian is like, this is a great idea, but he’s going to marry Octavia instead, Atia is like, damn, maybe that bitch did have the last laugh.

Octavia isn’t the only one being forced into a marriage she doesn’t want. Jocasta, formerly the daughter of a merchant, marries Posca, because he’s her best choice now that she’s been raped and impoverished.

On the Pullo side, he fucks up real bad. After Gaia disrespects Eirene, Pullo tries to whip her, but ends up raping her (Gaia appears to be into it and an equal aggressor, but she’s a slave, and we’ve already seen her trying to move up in the household via her sexual charm, so this isn’t like, “Hey, hot guy, wanna bang,” but “I’ve got no other choice.”) Gaia sees her chance, now that she knows Pullo would actually be into her sexually, so all she has to do is remove Eirene.  She goes to ye old abortionist and gets some herbs.

Vorena the Elder is having a full on affair with the guy who keeps giving her straw dolls, and Memmio “catches” them together. He offers to keep it secret from her father, as long as she spies on him for her. Like, Memmio, this is by far the most complicated plan anyone has ever concocted for no reason, because Vorena fucking hates her dad and would sell him out for q-tip.

Timon and his brother decide they should kill King Herrod while he’s in town, but at the last minute Timon spots Atia in the crowd and, presumably not wishing to prove to her that he is, in fact, an animal, kills his brother in an argument instead.

And that’s it, in a nutshell.

My favorite part of the episode: The way Eirene says, “She say she gonna choke me wit a stick!”

My least favorite part of the episode: Pullo and Gaia. I hate that it’s a) yet another scene of rape, as Gaia is a slave, b) an incredibly violent scene seemingly justifying itself as rough sex, and c) is uncomfortably hot despite a and b, so it makes you feel bad.

Favorite costume: I really dig the intricate nature of Jocasta’s wedding dress. Actually, from here out, Jocasta really becomes the style icon of the show. Or, at least, she rivals Antony.

Team Atia or Team Servilia: Servilia. That is probably the greatest case of getting the last word that anyone has ever seen.

Favorite watch-a-long tweet: 

I AM NOT OKAY WITH THIS, TROUT!!!! #LEGIONXIII

— Bronwyn Green (@Bronwyn_Green) April 19, 2016

What hairdo or costume would Bronwyn steal? She would definitely make something with that embroidered border.

 

Guess Jess’s head canon. My assumption is that Vorenus and Pullo still sail the seas for her, even though the angst has been turned down a little in these past couple episodes.

Now go check out Bronwyn’s post, as Jess’s post is pending due to injury (she has stitches all over her hand, it’s gross), and join us Monday at 9 PM EST for season two, episode eight, “A Necessary Fiction”. Tweet to #LegionXIII to join us!