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Jenny Plays The Sims 4!

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I’ve still got my head down and my nose to the grindstone on The Boyfriend, but I did manage to sneak in a couple hours of video games over the weekend. And by “managed” I mean, I absolutely had to because my manuscript was starting to look a little sketchy…

An animated gif of the typewrite from The Shining with the words "All work and no play make Jack a dull boy" all over the page.


Anyway, here’s me playing the Sims 4 after drinking approximately a bottle of champagne. Next week, I’ll be back with another Spooky Story Time.



How To Describe Things: An Interlude

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MR. JEN and JENNY are in bed, watching television. Jenny is a beautiful cougar aging like expensive cheese. Mr. Jen should have been nicer to her in the following conversation, but he doesn’t appreciate her descriptive flare so he can suck it. He can suck the whole thing.

Ugh. I hurt. Like, I hurt so bad that I feel like I should be lying in one of those big beds with the thick wooden posts and the canopies… Like when you see someone and they’re laying on all the pillows, they’re kind of propped up? And then they’re like, [wheezing voice] “Bring me my eldest son.”

Eldest son?

And then the son comes in and [wheezing voice] “My son. You have a great responsibility now. The kingdom relies on you.”

Wait. Are you– are you a king in this scenario?

(continuing in wheezing voice)
“It is a great burden that you must bear.”

What are you talking about?

Yeah, I’m a king. I’m the king, I’m propped up on the pillows and I’m dying. That’s how I feel right now.

[BEAT] Why do you have to be so dramatic?

Because I am describing it at you. I’m describing at you how bad I feel right now.

But why are you a king? Why aren’t you just on your deathbed?

I am on my deathbed! I think I made it pretty clear that this is a king on his deathbed.

But why did you have to pick a king?

Who else was I going to pick to convey that image?

Literally anyone!

But it only works if I describe it well! That’s my job. I describe situations and I make people feel ways about them!

I know that but you don’t write it that ridiculous.

Everything I write is ridiculous!

There is a long pause. Jenny arranges the pillows carefully behind her, mimicking the pose of a dying king in a movie.

I feel like I’m being stabbed in the shoulder by some kind of powerful warrior.

Oh my god.


State Of The Trout: Spooky Story Time and Ow, My Frickin Head

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Hey everybody. This post is brought to you by a debilitating migraine and brain zaps that I am almost 100% positive is the result of receiving a different generic prescription than I’m used to. Hence, no True Blood, since just one of Sookie’s high-pitched screams would split my head in twain. But I do have this:

It took me all freaking weekend to upload, but I had intended to drop it on Friday night. This all worked out for the better.

As for this here blog, posting is going to be sporadic during the month of September, as I’m focusing on finishing The Boyfriend so there’s ample time to edit it before it releases in November. Expect to see more videos, as those are easier to make while also writing your ass off.

I’ll also still be doing Drunk Tarot on Saturday nights. 10 P.M. EST on my Facebook page.

Now, I’ll be taking my painful and broken head to the dentist, where I’m sure having a light shined in my face and machinery stuffed into my mouth won’t exacerbate things at all!


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I’ve got the go-ahead to share now, so here it is:

My Young Adult serial novel, Nightmare Born, will debut on the Radish app in October! Yes, this October! The one that is on the way!

So, what is Nightmare Born about?

It’s about Iris Bianchi, an autistic teenager who learns that her father is the King Of Nightmares and that she is a Nightmare Born, a supernatural creature that can only be conceived in human dreams. Called to Miss Perkins’s School For Girls for her magical training, Iris is soon immersed in the supernatural underworld of Savannah, Georgia. Imagine American Horror Story: CovenThe Vampire DiariesHarry Potter, and The Magicians all got thrown into a blender together to make a delicious and satisfying paranormal YA smoothie, but then I started just pouring various different types of candy into it.

I’m so excited to share every little bit of this journey with you guys. More info will be coming soon!

Jealous Haters Book Club: Handbook For Mortals Chapter 21, The World or “You’re never going to guess where the plot finally shows up.”

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This is it, everyone. Exactly one year since we started Chapter 0, we’ve reached the end. This is the final installment of our Handbook For Mortals recap. I want to announce that I’ll be doing a Facebook Live event on Saturday night, 10 P.M. EST, on my Jenny Trout Facebook account, to talk about the acknowledgments section and do some drunk Tarot to get a forecast for the future of the book series and upcoming movie. These are pretty fun to do, because I can talk to you while I’m doing them, so drop on in at any time after 10 P.M. to join the live feed.

Shit, I might even brush my hair or put on makeup or something.

Or like.

Shower that day.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you all for coming on this journey through hell and scandal with me, yet again. Here’s hoping nobody pulls any bullshit and hits my nasty button for a while, so I can take a vacation from shitty, shitty books.

The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S04E05 “Beer Bad”

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Heads up: I installed The Good Place extension on Chrome and didn’t realize it would actually *post* the censored swears. So, for those unaware of The Good Place and its swears: Shirt = Shit, Fork = Fuck, Dink = Dick, What or where the hell will convert to What the here/where the here, and Bench = Bitch. Honestly, I could go back and change it but it’s so funny I’m leaving it to be a part of Trout Nation history forever.

In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone will probably die from injuries caused when a dog she’s stepping over decides to stand up suddenly. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

  1. Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
  2. Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
  3. Joyce is a forking terrible parent.
  4. Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
  5. Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
  6. The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
  7. All the monsters look like wieners.
  8. If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
  9. Angel is a dink.
  10. Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
  11. Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
  12. Some of this shirt is racist as fork.
  13. Science and technology are not to be trusted.
  14. Mental illness is stigmatized.
  15. Only Willow can use a computer.
  16. Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
  17. Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
  18. Oz is the Anti-Xander
  19. Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
  20. Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
  21. The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
  22. Smoking is evil.
  23. Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shirt is homophobic as fork.
  24. How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
  25. Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
  26. Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
  27. Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
  28. Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
  29. The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
  30. This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
  31. Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
  32. Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
  33. Slut shame!
  34. The Watchers have no forking clue what they’re doing.
  35. Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
  36. Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.
  37. Buffy is an abusive romantic partner.
  38. Riley is the worst.
  39. Joss Whedon has a problem with fat people.
  40. Spike is an abusive romantic partner.
  41. Why are all these men so terrible?
  42. Wicca doesn’t work like that.
  43. Alcohol is evil.
  44. Head trauma doesn’t work like that.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that into consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

I Love This Book

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In an effort to promote work I love (rather than just tear apart that which I hate), I introduce to you this book that I love: Dead Mountain: The Untold True Story of the Dyatlov Pass Incident by Donnie Eichar.

My Kindle Paperwhite propped up on some rocks on my dining room table, with a mug of coffee nearby.


If you’re unfamiliar with the subject matter, the Dyatlov Pass Incident was a tragedy that claimed the lives of nine experienced hikers on an expedition in the Ural Mountains in 1959. Searchers found the party’s tent slashed and their campsite abandoned. The bodies of Igor Dyatlov, Yuri Doroshenko, Lyudmila Dubinina, Yuri Krivonischenko, Zinaida Kolmogorova, Rustem Slobodin, Alexander Kolevatov, Nikolai Thibeaux-Brignolles, and Seymon Zolotaryov were found over a period of two months and in varying states of injury, mutilation, and radioactivity. The botched and secretive investigation by Soviet authorities led to half a century of cover-up allegations about everything from Big Foot to nuclear testing. The investigation’s final conclusion––that the hikers died due to an “unknown compelling force”––only fueled further ghoulish theories, and we still have no idea what happened to the hikers that night.

I’ve been obsessed with the Dyatlov Pass incident for a long time, owing to my inclination toward the spooky and weird. Despite how much I want to believe in creepy, otherworldly things, I had already accepted the practical and realistic explanations for the “mutilation” of the hikers’ bodies (naturally occurring decay and scavenging), the fact that some of them weren’t properly clothed (paradoxical undressing) and the slash made in the tent (they had knives, duh). But I’d never found a satisfying answer to the biggest remaining question: why would a group of skilled hikers abandon the safety of their camp, taking no supplies or proper clothing? What made going unprotected into the mountains at night seem less dangerous than staying? 

I went into Dead Mountain expecting to be disappointed by the totally rational explanations that would be offered by a serious book. I came away from Dead Mountain more terrified and unsettled than before.

Eichar writes about the hikers as the complex, vibrant people they were in life in a way many accounts of the tragedy ignore. Eichar makes it clear that this isn’t a ghost story or a conspiracy theory playground, but an event in which real people with family, friends, and loved ones were lost in a gruesome and horrifying way. He accomplishes this by mixing details of the investigation with a painstaking recreation of the group’s journey up the mountain that would ultimately claim their lives. When you reach the climax––and see Eichar’s hypothetical account of what could have happened––it makes this loss of life all the more terrifying.

After reading Dead Mountain, I’ve come to accept Eichar’s theory as the most logical and likely. And I really, really wish I didn’t. Whether you’ve never heard of the Dyatlov Pass incident or you’ve spent hours combing message boards and conspiracy videos, this book will stay with you for a long, long time.