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Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter thirty-one or “That scene in Pulp Fiction where everyone has a gun pulled on everyone.”

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Huzzah and here we are! The penultimate installment of this round of Jealous Haters Book Club. The Mister is thirty-three chapters in total, but the last two are so pitifully short that I’m going to combine them rather than prolong our misery. I’ll post a more comprehensive update on blog things later this week but since a few people have asked, yes, we will be returning to Beautiful Disaster.

More importantly, however, we’ll be returning to our recaps…with a theme song, courtesy of Bunny. Since Bunny is a big MST3K fan, the song is meant to be sung to its theme tune. If you’re unfamiliar with it, here you go:


In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere in Michigan,
There was a gal named Jenny
Who fell in love with Ed Sheeran.
She read some tripe that made her say
“These authors suck, they cannot stay!”
She grabbed a red pen with a curse
And in her scathing wit she hits
The very awfulest and worst!

“I’ll dissect cheesy novels,
Whatever you can find. (la la la)
I’ll sit right here and read them all
To save you peace of mind.” (la la la)
Now keep in mind, Jen can’t control
How bad these crap books get. (la la la)
So try not to get so annoyed
You do something you’ll regret!

Jealous Hater Roll Call:

Wisecracks! (A-plenty!)
Anger! (You’ll catch it!)
Blayde Trasket! (Hot stuff!)
Weeeed! (*sharp inhale*)

If you’re startin’ to feel the urge to rage
At certain talentless hacks, (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself “That’s what Twitter’s for
Right now I should just relax …
For Jealous Hater Book Club, Trout Nation!”

Troutcation Redux

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“Jenny, you’re always on god damn vacation.”

Well, you know what? My cousin has an awesome cabin and I intend to use it when she’s not there. That’s what we’re doing. I’ll be holed up there in all of the majesty of the Upper Peninsula, seeing waterfalls, playing board games, and occasionally working on a little masterpiece I like to call The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp.

Think of me every time you go to the bathroom in an indoor-plumbing situation this week. The Mister recaps resume (and thankfully, hopefully, will be finished) next week.

Jealous Hater Book Club: The Mister chapter thirty or “To the rescue! I swear! Any time now!”

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I’m going to take a moment here to recognize my Patreon patrons for the month of July. Usually, I do this in a video but due to my phone being a super asshole, the video I filmed went away into the ether, never to return. So, allow me to force your eyeballs onto this list of people who donated $5 and up in the month of July:

  • Adriane
  • Amy B
  • Anastasia
  • Barbara W
  • Breanne B
  • Casey C
  • Christie E
  • Christina G
  • Debbie M
  • Emily B
  • Erin R
  • Jenny D
  • Kari
  • Katharine W
  • Kathryn G
  • Kira P
  • Kirsten W
  • Lauren B
  • Lindsey L
  • Linsel
  • Lucy G
  • Miriam W
  • Miss Kitty Fantastico
  • Nicola H
  • Olivia B
  • Rebecca P
  • Roma
  • Ryan F
  • Sandy B
  • Sarah R
  • Sarah A
  • Shanti M
  • Smelter P
  • Stormy K
  • TeJay the Mad
  • Teresa D
  • Vallie M
  • Veerle VV
  • Victoria M
  • Ximena D

Thank you so much for your patronage and you’ll be named in the combo July/August video. If you’re not a Patron, you can see past videos and the weird shit I did for them on my YouTube channel. Everybody, let’s give them a big hand because without their support, this place wouldn’t run as smoothly. And I mean. This place doesn’t run smoothly. So just imagine how bad it could be.

And remember, even if you can’t support my efforts monetarily, you being here and reading these words is always support enough. I’m so pleased to have such a cool bunch of people who come read my silly stuff and then say really smart and awesome things in the comments.

So, now it’s onto the bad part of this recap. Ha ha, just kidding, it’s ALL bad. But here’s the part where I have to give a CONTENT WARNING: Not only is there a violent attempted rape (which I don’t excerpt), there’s also suicidal ideation and more discussion of intimate partner violence.

We’re almost done. Let’s do this.

Author Your Life summit!

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Recently, I got invited to do a really cool thing and now it’s coming up and I’m so excited to share my involvement in this:

TEXT: Author Your Life Summit How to use the power of writing to kick fear in the teeth, send obstacles packing, and create the life you want. Featuring Jenny Trout hosted by Lara Zielin [images of both authors] FREE online event August 15-26

One of my very most favorite author people, Lara Zielin, had an ah-ha moment after a personal and professional crisis that sent her reeling. She realized she could use writing to help her find her way again. Within a year of that realization, her life and heart had been transformed, all because she put pen to paper. Now, Lara firmly believes that writing can completely change your life. As in help you build healthy relationships, open the door to your dream job, maybe even help you finish that project you started way back when.

Now, she’s bringing everything she’s learned to a FREE online summit called Author Your Life: How to Use Writing to Kick Fear in the Teeth, Send Obstacles Packing, and Create the Life You Want.

Lara invited me and, in her words, “20 other experts” (which sounds like she was suggesting that I am an expert which is flattering but inaccurate), to discuss the power of writing to change everything. My area of expertise, of course, is what happens when you start being your authentic self. Also, how to not throw in the towel when you’re receiving nonstop internet hate.

Sign up to hear other actual experts weigh in about writing to unleash change as well as practical how-to advice so you can put this into practice yourself. This includes how to use writing to:

• Silence your inner critic
• Face fear and get un-stuck
• Connect to your community
• Embrace and high-five your authentic self
• Change the story you tell yourself about work

And much more!

This is completely free, so go, sign up, you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose.

Because, here’s the thing. We might not have the money for therapy or the time to do an hour of yoga every day, but we all have access to a piece of paper and a pen (metaphorically speaking). We can all write something. And that? Can change everything.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter twenty-nine or “To The Rescue, Eventually!”

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Quick update on stuff on my end! Mr.Jen’s injury that I’ve mentioned before is healing through the miracle of physical therapy several times a week. And I’m getting un-depressed. After a wild week, I decided to get out and go. I attended a cast party, a film audition, did some grown-up things that needed doing and now I’m back and ready to roll.

For like a week before I go away to my family’s cabin. I know. I know. But I promise I’m trying to bust through the end of this recap as fast as I can, so we can all get back to our regularly scheduled programing here and I can start writing The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp for your…I don’t know. I feel like “enjoyment” might be tossing the word around loosely. I don’t want you all coming in with heightened expectations.

Anyway, according to Publisher’s Weekly, as of three weeks ago, The Mister had sold a whopping 220,300 copies.

Fifty Shades of Grey has sold over 100,000,000.

That’s a bit of a drop. And yes, the books are almost ten years apart but call me a pessimist…I just don’t think the same hype is there this time, guys.

Content Warning: There are explicit depictions of abuse in this chapter (again) and basically from here on out there’s going to be nonstop rape threats.

Ten Things I Like About Myself

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I had a weird, humiliating day yesterday, everyone. My mental health, which was really up and positive on Monday, took a dive. And you know, that happens; I’m really bad at lulling myself into a false sense of security on stuff. So, I’m trying to drag myself up and out of the quagmire by focusing on things I like about myself. Here are some I came up with.

  1. What you see is what you get. There isn’t really a public/private persona to me. Sure, there are insecurities and hardships and inner problems that I don’t wear on my sleeve, but that’s true of everyone. What I mean is, when you meet me in person, you’re meeting the person you got to know here. A person who might not recognize your face from your social media photos but who will be thrilled once they realize who you are.
  2. I’m silly. I can usually find something to be silly about in any situation. Maybe that’s not the best quality for a person to have (especially since it sometimes leads to giggling under inappropriate circumstances). But I like that I’m able to laugh about stuff, usually.
  3. I can usually figure out how to do stuff. You know that phrase, “Jack of all trades, master of none,” that people throw around? It has made me feel bad for years. Why? Because I love to learn to do things–playing guitar, making soap, hand-lettering signs, light demonology, you know, normal stuff–but I rarely devote myself to mastering things with any skill. I usually just want to know how things work. Once I figure that out, I move on. Imagine how pleased I was to learn that “Jack of all trades, master of none,” is not the complete saying. It’s actually, “Jack of all trades, master of none, but oftentimes better than master of one.”
  4. I say “Bless you,” when people sneeze. Even if it was a person on television. Even if it was a scripted moment on television. I am compelled.
  5. Dogs like me. I think that’s possibly the greatest indicator that a person is good. When I doubt myself, I remember that dogs like me, which is way more important than people liking me.
  6. I genuinely enjoy spicy food, but I’m not a dick about it. It’s weird when people like spicy food but they make it into a competition with other people. I like spicy food, the spicier the better (as long as the food actually has flavor and doesn’t just taste like capsaicin and nothing else because that tastes like cigarette butts) but I don’t run around calling people pussies for not consuming something they find unpleasant.
  7. I tried avocado once. It was out of my comfort zone, but I did it. I didn’t like it but I got the courage.
  8. I’m a good singer. Am I the best singer ever? Obviously not, or I wouldn’t be a blogger. I’d have millions of dollars and live in a house on the side of a cliff overlooking the sea somewhere. But I actually am pretty good! Good enough to secure some community theater roles, anyway, and that’s good enough for me.
  9. I’m honest with my kids about my mental and physical health. I’m always open with them about my messed up brain chemistry. It affects their lives, too, and it’s important for me that they know that they’re loved even if mom snaps at them during a particularly anxious day or she can’t get out of bed or needs extra help.
  10. I’m a loyal friend. I wouldn’t say I’m a “good” friend. I’m bad at keeping in touch. I’m terrible at visiting. I probably won’t wish you a happy birthday without you reminding me or I’ll do it on the wrong date. But you know what? I’ll go to bat for you every single time.

These are things I like about myself. Give me ten things you like about yourself in the comments. No self-deprecating stuff, no, “I only suck a little of the time.” No, “There aren’t ten things about me to like.” Even if you have to pick one like, “I can walk on stilts,” I’ll take it.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter twenty-eight or “The Slowest Kidnapping”

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No news (as this book has pretty much dropped off the edge of the planet despite staying on the bestseller lists), but a content warning for more domestic violence than usual for an E.L. James book.

Pardon the slowing of the pace with these posts, by the way. I’m still performing in The Wizard of Oz and trying to meet some other deadlines.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter twenty-seven or “THE BIG MISUNDERSTANDING”

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Last week, the Toronto Star ran an interview with E.L. James. There are the usual claims of people not liking her because she’s a woman and that she went above and beyond the call of duty to research Albania but it also included a brief, interesting look into which fandoms she‘ll be stealing from next enjoys:

She recently rewatched the first Harry Potter movie, which prompted her to buy the rest of the films, and now wants to read J.K. Rowling’s series again.

Somewhere, Cassandra Clare is already on the phone to her legal team.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter twenty-five or “Accio, foreshadowing!”

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According to Cinema Blend, Book Club 2 is happening. If you missed what Book Club was about, it told the story of four upper-middle-class white senior citizens (played by Mary Steenburgen, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, and fervent Woody Allen supporter Diane Keaton) who spice up their boring sex lives through the life-changing magic of the scandalously hot and sexy Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Yes. That’s a whole movie. A whole movie encapsulating the worst stereotypes that surrounded the book while it dominated the zeitgeist. And somehow, there’s material for another? As the article suggests, maybe this one will be about The Mister.

While I would love to see the sequel die a quiet death in development, I would also love to see Book Club 2: Step Up To The Sheets hit the big screen before The Mister. Or instead of.

Now, since I’ve had a few comments here and on social media regarding the horrible names of the characters, while they are indeed horrible, Moss and Demelssia are not their actual character names. They’re portmanteaus of Maxim and Ross and Alessia and Demelza. The latter of both pairs are characters from Poldark, which this novel…let’s just say it pays overt homage to it.

So, let’s get into the recap.