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Tag: The Mister

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapters thirty-two, thirty-three, and acknowledgments. “Well, I guess that explains it.”

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We have come now to the end of our journey together. Unlike our Fifty Shades of Grey adventure, we’re closing this metaphorical chapter without any movie news. The books have fallen off the New York Times weekly bestseller list (at least, as much of that list as they show on their site). It’s out of the top 1,000 on Amazon. Don’t get me wrong; The Mister was a hit.

It’s just not a hit for E.L. James.

So, will she write another book? Certainly not for whatever advance she received for this one. But since several commenters have pointed out that The Mister borrows liberally from SnowQueens IceDragon’s other Twilight fic, Safe Haven, maybe the answer to whether or not we’ll be revisiting our favorite author again lies in whether or not she has some old fanfic lying around.

I wonder what PBS Masterpiece Theater varnish she’ll slap on the next one.

CW: Abuse apologia

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter thirty-one or “That scene in Pulp Fiction where everyone has a gun pulled on everyone.”

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Huzzah and here we are! The penultimate installment of this round of Jealous Haters Book Club. The Mister is thirty-three chapters in total, but the last two are so pitifully short that I’m going to combine them rather than prolong our misery. I’ll post a more comprehensive update on blog things later this week but since a few people have asked, yes, we will be returning to Beautiful Disaster.

More importantly, however, we’ll be returning to our recaps…with a theme song, courtesy of Bunny. Since Bunny is a big MST3K fan, the song is meant to be sung to its theme tune. If you’re unfamiliar with it, here you go:


In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere in Michigan,
There was a gal named Jenny
Who fell in love with Ed Sheeran.
She read some tripe that made her say
“These authors suck, they cannot stay!”
She grabbed a red pen with a curse
And in her scathing wit she hits
The very awfulest and worst!

“I’ll dissect cheesy novels,
Whatever you can find. (la la la)
I’ll sit right here and read them all
To save you peace of mind.” (la la la)
Now keep in mind, Jen can’t control
How bad these crap books get. (la la la)
So try not to get so annoyed
You do something you’ll regret!

Jealous Hater Roll Call:

Wisecracks! (A-plenty!)
Anger! (You’ll catch it!)
Blayde Trasket! (Hot stuff!)
Weeeed! (*sharp inhale*)

If you’re startin’ to feel the urge to rage
At certain talentless hacks, (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself “That’s what Twitter’s for
Right now I should just relax …
For Jealous Hater Book Club, Trout Nation!”

Jealous Hater Book Club: The Mister chapter thirty or “To the rescue! I swear! Any time now!”

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I’m going to take a moment here to recognize my Patreon patrons for the month of July. Usually, I do this in a video but due to my phone being a super asshole, the video I filmed went away into the ether, never to return. So, allow me to force your eyeballs onto this list of people who donated $5 and up in the month of July:

  • Adriane
  • Amy B
  • Anastasia
  • Barbara W
  • Breanne B
  • Casey C
  • Christie E
  • Christina G
  • Debbie M
  • Emily B
  • Erin R
  • Jenny D
  • Kari
  • Katharine W
  • Kathryn G
  • Kira P
  • Kirsten W
  • Lauren B
  • Lindsey L
  • Linsel
  • Lucy G
  • Miriam W
  • Miss Kitty Fantastico
  • Nicola H
  • Olivia B
  • Rebecca P
  • Roma
  • Ryan F
  • Sandy B
  • Sarah R
  • Sarah A
  • Shanti M
  • Smelter P
  • Stormy K
  • TeJay the Mad
  • Teresa D
  • Vallie M
  • Veerle VV
  • Victoria M
  • Ximena D

Thank you so much for your patronage and you’ll be named in the combo July/August video. If you’re not a Patron, you can see past videos and the weird shit I did for them on my YouTube channel. Everybody, let’s give them a big hand because without their support, this place wouldn’t run as smoothly. And I mean. This place doesn’t run smoothly. So just imagine how bad it could be.

And remember, even if you can’t support my efforts monetarily, you being here and reading these words is always support enough. I’m so pleased to have such a cool bunch of people who come read my silly stuff and then say really smart and awesome things in the comments.

So, now it’s onto the bad part of this recap. Ha ha, just kidding, it’s ALL bad. But here’s the part where I have to give a CONTENT WARNING: Not only is there a violent attempted rape (which I don’t excerpt), there’s also suicidal ideation and more discussion of intimate partner violence.

We’re almost done. Let’s do this.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter twenty-nine or “To The Rescue, Eventually!”

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Quick update on stuff on my end! Mr.Jen’s injury that I’ve mentioned before is healing through the miracle of physical therapy several times a week. And I’m getting un-depressed. After a wild week, I decided to get out and go. I attended a cast party, a film audition, did some grown-up things that needed doing and now I’m back and ready to roll.

For like a week before I go away to my family’s cabin. I know. I know. But I promise I’m trying to bust through the end of this recap as fast as I can, so we can all get back to our regularly scheduled programing here and I can start writing The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp for your…I don’t know. I feel like “enjoyment” might be tossing the word around loosely. I don’t want you all coming in with heightened expectations.

Anyway, according to Publisher’s Weekly, as of three weeks ago, The Mister had sold a whopping 220,300 copies.

Fifty Shades of Grey has sold over 100,000,000.

That’s a bit of a drop. And yes, the books are almost ten years apart but call me a pessimist…I just don’t think the same hype is there this time, guys.

Content Warning: There are explicit depictions of abuse in this chapter (again) and basically from here on out there’s going to be nonstop rape threats.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter twenty-eight or “The Slowest Kidnapping”

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No news (as this book has pretty much dropped off the edge of the planet despite staying on the bestseller lists), but a content warning for more domestic violence than usual for an E.L. James book.

Pardon the slowing of the pace with these posts, by the way. I’m still performing in The Wizard of Oz and trying to meet some other deadlines.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter twenty-seven or “THE BIG MISUNDERSTANDING”

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Last week, the Toronto Star ran an interview with E.L. James. There are the usual claims of people not liking her because she’s a woman and that she went above and beyond the call of duty to research Albania but it also included a brief, interesting look into which fandoms she‘ll be stealing from next enjoys:

She recently rewatched the first Harry Potter movie, which prompted her to buy the rest of the films, and now wants to read J.K. Rowling’s series again.

Somewhere, Cassandra Clare is already on the phone to her legal team.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter twenty-five or “Accio, foreshadowing!”

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According to Cinema Blend, Book Club 2 is happening. If you missed what Book Club was about, it told the story of four upper-middle-class white senior citizens (played by Mary Steenburgen, Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, and fervent Woody Allen supporter Diane Keaton) who spice up their boring sex lives through the life-changing magic of the scandalously hot and sexy Fifty Shades of Grey series.

Yes. That’s a whole movie. A whole movie encapsulating the worst stereotypes that surrounded the book while it dominated the zeitgeist. And somehow, there’s material for another? As the article suggests, maybe this one will be about The Mister.

While I would love to see the sequel die a quiet death in development, I would also love to see Book Club 2: Step Up To The Sheets hit the big screen before The Mister. Or instead of.

Now, since I’ve had a few comments here and on social media regarding the horrible names of the characters, while they are indeed horrible, Moss and Demelssia are not their actual character names. They’re portmanteaus of Maxim and Ross and Alessia and Demelza. The latter of both pairs are characters from Poldark, which this novel…let’s just say it pays overt homage to it.

So, let’s get into the recap.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter twenty-four or “Reader, she touches it.”

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In the news: E.L. James sat down with ET Canada to continue complaining about how the Fifty Shades of Grey movie wasn’t made to her exact specifications and take a passive-aggressive dig at the people involved. She also makes it clear that she doesn’t understand what “character-driven” means.

I’m honestly shocked that the film rights to The Mister didn’t sell the moment the publishing contract was signed. That they’re still shopping it around, apparently, is mind-boggling to me. Even if it was never made into a movie, I can’t believe the option hasn’t been picked up.

This is also going to be one of the shorter recaps in comparison to the length of the chapter, as the bulk of the chapter is sex that’s too boring to make into something funny.