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Month: August 2019

State Of The Trout: We Now Return To Our Regularly Scheduled Program (In A Minute)

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The Mister is drawing to a close. I know you all wish that it could go on forever because you’re fully immersed in the rich, gripping plot but all good things must come to an end. What happens next, though?

Well, we go back to what we were doing before. Beautiful Disaster recaps are returning. Buffy The Vampire Slayer and Angel recaps will come back. I’ll finally finish watching True Blood. And of course, I’ll probably continue to have two or more mental breakdowns per year because that’s just how I live, baby.

But there will be more! So much more! Starting September 6, The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp will premiere here. It will be available exclusively on this blog in weekly installments. Come see if I can pull off the greatest feat of my writing career: turning an absurd joke idea into an actually decent book.

Can’t wait for September 6? Become a $1 or above Patron of my Patreon in the month of August and you’ll get access to the prologue (featuring Fitshaced Friday meme Blayde Trasket) next week! That’s before anyone else! You can be in the know and tell all your friends.

And finally, in other Patreon-related news, starting this month, $10 and up patrons will be enrolled in Jealous Patrons Book Club, where I will do exclusive recaps. Of what, you ask? Well, we’re gonna start off with an in-depth review of Safe Haven by SnowQueens IceDragon, the Twilight fanfic that became The Mister. Yes, for just ten dollars a month, you’ll experience second-hand all the details SnowQueens IceDragon remembered from her Las Vegas vacation, the overwhelming and gratuitous use of the word “fuck” (1-20 per page), and a heroine even clumsier in fanfic than she is in canon. These recaps will start next week and then there will be at least four a month each month thereafter.

That’s all the news that’s fit to print. In the meantime, spread the good news of John Gayheart Johnson, Business Centaur.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter thirty-one or “That scene in Pulp Fiction where everyone has a gun pulled on everyone.”

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Huzzah and here we are! The penultimate installment of this round of Jealous Haters Book Club. The Mister is thirty-three chapters in total, but the last two are so pitifully short that I’m going to combine them rather than prolong our misery. I’ll post a more comprehensive update on blog things later this week but since a few people have asked, yes, we will be returning to Beautiful Disaster.

More importantly, however, we’ll be returning to our recaps…with a theme song, courtesy of Bunny. Since Bunny is a big MST3K fan, the song is meant to be sung to its theme tune. If you’re unfamiliar with it, here you go:

 

In the not-too-distant future,
Somewhere in Michigan,
There was a gal named Jenny
Who fell in love with Ed Sheeran.
She read some tripe that made her say
“These authors suck, they cannot stay!”
She grabbed a red pen with a curse
And in her scathing wit she hits
The very awfulest and worst!

“I’ll dissect cheesy novels,
Whatever you can find. (la la la)
I’ll sit right here and read them all
To save you peace of mind.” (la la la)
Now keep in mind, Jen can’t control
How bad these crap books get. (la la la)
So try not to get so annoyed
You do something you’ll regret!

Jealous Hater Roll Call:

Wisecracks! (A-plenty!)
Anger! (You’ll catch it!)
Blayde Trasket! (Hot stuff!)
Weeeed! (*sharp inhale*)

If you’re startin’ to feel the urge to rage
At certain talentless hacks, (la la la)
Then repeat to yourself “That’s what Twitter’s for
Right now I should just relax …
For Jealous Hater Book Club, Trout Nation!”

Troutcation Redux

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“Jenny, you’re always on god damn vacation.”

Well, you know what? My cousin has an awesome cabin and I intend to use it when she’s not there. That’s what we’re doing. I’ll be holed up there in all of the majesty of the Upper Peninsula, seeing waterfalls, playing board games, and occasionally working on a little masterpiece I like to call The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp.

Think of me every time you go to the bathroom in an indoor-plumbing situation this week. The Mister recaps resume (and thankfully, hopefully, will be finished) next week.

Jealous Hater Book Club: The Mister chapter thirty or “To the rescue! I swear! Any time now!”

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I’m going to take a moment here to recognize my Patreon patrons for the month of July. Usually, I do this in a video but due to my phone being a super asshole, the video I filmed went away into the ether, never to return. So, allow me to force your eyeballs onto this list of people who donated $5 and up in the month of July:

  • Adriane
  • Amy B
  • Anastasia
  • Barbara W
  • Breanne B
  • Casey C
  • Christie E
  • Christina G
  • Debbie M
  • Emily B
  • Erin R
  • Jenny D
  • Kari
  • Katharine W
  • Kathryn G
  • Kira P
  • Kirsten W
  • Lauren B
  • Lindsey L
  • Linsel
  • Lucy G
  • Miriam W
  • Miss Kitty Fantastico
  • Nicola H
  • Olivia B
  • Rebecca P
  • Roma
  • Ryan F
  • Sandy B
  • Sarah R
  • Sarah A
  • Shanti M
  • Smelter P
  • Stormy K
  • TeJay the Mad
  • Teresa D
  • Vallie M
  • Veerle VV
  • Victoria M
  • Ximena D

Thank you so much for your patronage and you’ll be named in the combo July/August video. If you’re not a Patron, you can see past videos and the weird shit I did for them on my YouTube channel. Everybody, let’s give them a big hand because without their support, this place wouldn’t run as smoothly. And I mean. This place doesn’t run smoothly. So just imagine how bad it could be.

And remember, even if you can’t support my efforts monetarily, you being here and reading these words is always support enough. I’m so pleased to have such a cool bunch of people who come read my silly stuff and then say really smart and awesome things in the comments.

So, now it’s onto the bad part of this recap. Ha ha, just kidding, it’s ALL bad. But here’s the part where I have to give a CONTENT WARNING: Not only is there a violent attempted rape (which I don’t excerpt), there’s also suicidal ideation and more discussion of intimate partner violence.

We’re almost done. Let’s do this.

Author Your Life summit!

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Recently, I got invited to do a really cool thing and now it’s coming up and I’m so excited to share my involvement in this:

TEXT: Author Your Life Summit How to use the power of writing to kick fear in the teeth, send obstacles packing, and create the life you want. Featuring Jenny Trout hosted by Lara Zielin [images of both authors] FREE online event August 15-26 Authoryourlifenow.live

One of my very most favorite author people, Lara Zielin, had an ah-ha moment after a personal and professional crisis that sent her reeling. She realized she could use writing to help her find her way again. Within a year of that realization, her life and heart had been transformed, all because she put pen to paper. Now, Lara firmly believes that writing can completely change your life. As in help you build healthy relationships, open the door to your dream job, maybe even help you finish that project you started way back when.

Now, she’s bringing everything she’s learned to a FREE online summit called Author Your Life: How to Use Writing to Kick Fear in the Teeth, Send Obstacles Packing, and Create the Life You Want.

Lara invited me and, in her words, “20 other experts” (which sounds like she was suggesting that I am an expert which is flattering but inaccurate), to discuss the power of writing to change everything. My area of expertise, of course, is what happens when you start being your authentic self. Also, how to not throw in the towel when you’re receiving nonstop internet hate.

Sign up to hear other actual experts weigh in about writing to unleash change as well as practical how-to advice so you can put this into practice yourself. This includes how to use writing to:

• Silence your inner critic
• Face fear and get un-stuck
• Connect to your community
• Embrace and high-five your authentic self
• Change the story you tell yourself about work

And much more!

This is completely free, so go, sign up, you’ve got absolutely nothing to lose. www.authoryourlifenow.live

Because, here’s the thing. We might not have the money for therapy or the time to do an hour of yoga every day, but we all have access to a piece of paper and a pen (metaphorically speaking). We can all write something. And that? Can change everything.

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister, chapter twenty-nine or “To The Rescue, Eventually!”

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Quick update on stuff on my end! Mr.Jen’s injury that I’ve mentioned before is healing through the miracle of physical therapy several times a week. And I’m getting un-depressed. After a wild week, I decided to get out and go. I attended a cast party, a film audition, did some grown-up things that needed doing and now I’m back and ready to roll.

For like a week before I go away to my family’s cabin. I know. I know. But I promise I’m trying to bust through the end of this recap as fast as I can, so we can all get back to our regularly scheduled programing here and I can start writing The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp for your…I don’t know. I feel like “enjoyment” might be tossing the word around loosely. I don’t want you all coming in with heightened expectations.

Anyway, according to Publisher’s Weekly, as of three weeks ago, The Mister had sold a whopping 220,300 copies.

Fifty Shades of Grey has sold over 100,000,000.

That’s a bit of a drop. And yes, the books are almost ten years apart but call me a pessimist…I just don’t think the same hype is there this time, guys.

Content Warning: There are explicit depictions of abuse in this chapter (again) and basically from here on out there’s going to be nonstop rape threats.