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Business Centaur: A Long and Winding Tale of Friendship and the Horrors Which Will Befall You All

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To tell you the tale of John Gayhart Johnson: Business Centaur, I must first tell you the tale of a book.

Some years ago, while attending a conference in Chicago, I found myself very drunk in a hotel room with Bronwyn Green and Rebel Cowboy, which had been given away as a party favor at dinner. Also given away at dinner were small boxes of elegant chocolates. As I drunkenly tried to put one in my mouth, I dropped it. Despite Bronwyn’s shriek of horror, I picked the chocolate up from the hotel room carpet upon which countless loads have very likely been blown and in a moment I am not proud of…I ate the floor candy.

At some later point, Bronwyn’s gaze fell upon Rebel Cowboy and she noted that the woman on the front “looks like a motorcycle centaur.”

I must make it absolutely clear that no part of this story should be interpreted as mocking the text inside Rebel Cowboy. I really enjoyed this book, it’s a fantastic contemporary romance, and if you’re in the mood for a heroine with a complicated family situation and a hero who’s an ex-hockey player turned llama rancher, you will enjoy this book, as well. Here’s the Amazon link. Consider it my strongest possible recommendation. But the unfortunate angle of the model on the cover really does, in my opinion, and Bronwyn’s, look as though the heroine’s lower body is the motorcycle the hero is straddling:

The cover of Rebel Cowboy shows a muscular guy with his shirt open and a cowboy hat on straddling a motorcycle. A beautiful woman is standing on the other side of the motorcycle as he embraces her, and unfortunately you can't see her lower body at all.

Through non-stop tears of laughter, we created a ridiculous backstory. The unfortunate heroine had eaten a piece of floor candy and contracted a terrible disease. The only way to save her life was to amputate her lower body and fuse her torso to a motorcycle. About a month later, floor candy and motorcycle centaurs insinuated themselves into the language of our writing retreat.

And then, it happened.

He came into our lives on a majestic wave of inspiration. I was talking about my favorite topic: people whose names are repetitive. Donald Donaldson. Jeff Jefferson. Dick Richards. Names that these people’s parents should have fucking well known better about. And at that moment, one of my friends blurted:

“I know someone named John Gayhart Johnson!”

Time stopped and the room hung suspended in this glorious moment of creation. I don’t remember who said what. But I do know that someone said, “That sounds like a businessman,” and another person, whom I am almost certain was me, shouted, “John Gayhart Johnson: Business Centaur!”

John G. Johnson, Business Centaur, became an inside joke in our group. The next year at retreat, they presented me with this:

A small centaur toy with a black horse body, tan man body, goatee, and little painted-on crown. Bronwyn Green sewed him a tiny houndstooth business jacket and given him a briefcase.

 

Yes, that is a John Gayhart Johnson, Business Centaur action figure that Bronwyn Green lovingly created out of one of her kids’ old toys. We had a hearty laugh, especially after they reminded me that it was I who thought up the ridiculous idea of a business centaur, hence the gift. I’m still not sure that’s how that worked out but I guess I have to trust the memories of five other people.

Obviously, the joke had now run its course. After all, once you create an action figure of something, there’s really nowhere to go.

Or so I thought, forgetting that I am friends with writers.

This year, when we all assembled at the cabin, Bronwyn Green, Jess Jarman, Kris Norris, and two other people whose identities I will protect, presented me with two small, wrapped boxes. In one was a John G. Johnson, Business Centaur action figure.

“Why would you make another one?” I asked Bronwyn.

She proudly declared, “I didn’t. That’s the one from your office.”

Bronwyn lives fifty miles from me, yet she waited until she knew I was going to be at a rehearsal, entered my home and took the Business Centaur from my bookshelf. I never noticed he was gone. They gave me another box, this one containing:

A small princess figure with red hair and a notepad with JGJ written across the top and a pen in her other hand.

“I don’t get it…” I said, before Norris brought this out from behind her back:

A shadow box containing a cover flat (described later) for The Business Centaur's Virgin Temp by Jenny Trout, the two action figures standing beneath it, and various charms hanging from push pins on a strip of studded leather across the lower quarter of the box.

 

Every Business Centaur, it seems, needs his Virgin Temp. Please note the attention to detail: those charms are clips containing the initials of both John Gayhart Johnson and Flicka Star, his love interest. My dastardly friends truly went the extra mile with this, going so far as to create a cover flat and a wildly elaborate corporate espionage centaur plot for the singular goal of using as many horse puns as they could think of.

 

A cover flat for a book titled "The Business Centaur's Virgin Temp," upon which a male model in a suit and tie has been expertly photoshopped into a centaur. The Virgin Temp is inexplicably wearing a tiara and holding stationary emblazoned with JGJ on it. Her hair is red and ridiculously long. The author name is "Jenny Trout," and there is back cover copy which I will post below.

I can have any filly in the stable…except the one I want.

John Gayhart Johnson: Business Centaur

My business rival has been trying to put me out to pasture for years. And now, he thinks he’s finally found the means to do it—by maneuvering his sister, Flicka, into position as my new temp and forcing her to steal company secrets. I know I should put on my blinders and hoof it away from her as fast as I can, but I can’t resist horsing around a bit first. I’m hungry—but not for oats.

Lady Flicka Star: Virgin Temp

I know my brother’s using me, but I don’t have a choice. He’s wanted revenge on that stud, John, for years, and I want my freedom. My brother has corralled me for far too long, and I’m a shoe-in for this temp position. So what if I have to pony up and seduce my boss to escape the family barn? It’s not as if I’m galloping headfirst into love—oh, neigh, neigh—never that. Besides, a little foalplay never hurt anyone.

You will note that this is indeed a full cover flat, as if for an actual, published book.

Because that is what they now expect it to be.

I, Jenny Trout, will somehow write The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp. I will have to figure out how to do this without it being about, you know. Getting deflowered by horsecock. That will not happen, this I vow. But since this is so thoroughly ridiculous, so beyond the realm of anything any sensible person would ever want to read, let alone pay to read, I won’t be slotting it into my release schedule.

I’ll be subjecting you to it, instead.

After our recaps of The Mister end, I will set out once again on a marvelous serialized adventure. Through weekly chapters, I will weave you a story of attraction. Of courage. Of love. Of other stuff.

Honestly, I don’t know what this fucking book will be about. But I’m going to write it with the same attention to detail and effort at actually good writing as I do all my other books. I’m going to try to make the absolutely balls-ass ridiculous premise that has been handed to me something that someone, somewhere, might actually enjoy. I will rise to the challenge as is expected of me and I will not let the anti-centaur lobby win. We need more centaurs, especially Business Centaurs. We need John Gayhart Johnson.

The world needs him.

You need him.

And I’m gonna give you all the Business Centaur you can handle.

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73 Comments

  1. Claire
    Claire

    “Hungry but not for oats” just made me lose it at work. My Gayheart can’t wait for this.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Heidi Aphrodite
      Heidi Aphrodite

      RIGHT? After almost crying in the bathroom because work is overwhelming and confusing right now, seeing that INSTANTLY cheered me up. Bless you, Jenny Trout and Friends. Bless you, Business Centaur.

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
    • Ethyl
      Ethyl

      I am manning (centauring?) the polls today and it has been Very Quiet AND this polling place is a library AND I’m here with three older, very respectable ladies and I bust out laughing at that and had to make up a story about my sister’s dog, so thanks for that Jenny <3

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Dove
        Dove

        Lol she brings out the creativity in all of us. XD

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
    • This is an amazing idea!

      (Actually, a friend once challenged me to write a book about “the hilarious tentacles of death”, which I did, which was picked up by a small publisher, and which has led to numerous tentacle puns ever since.)

      June 26, 2019
      |Reply
    • Bookjunk
      Bookjunk

      Yup, Jenny had me at “I’m hungry – but not for oats” too.

      June 26, 2019
      |Reply
      • JennyTrout
        JennyTrout

        To be clear, I did not write that line and honestly, I’m not sure I could have come up with it so brilliantly. That entire blurb was written by Bronwyn Green, with horse-pun help from multiple sources.

        June 26, 2019
        |Reply
  2. Amanda
    Amanda

    I never knew I wanted this, but now all my dreams have come true.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Sandy
      Sandy

      SO MUCH YES!!!

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Agreed!

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
  3. Sushi
    Sushi

    I’m intrigued and a little bit scared.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  4. Bunny
    Bunny

    please let there be a character named Blayde Trasket oh please oh please oh please

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      Who do you think Flicka’s brother is? He’s got to be a villain before he can get his anti-hero redemption arc.

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Bunny
        Bunny

        YES! YES! YES!!!! The Tale of the Trasket in writing! Hoooooo boy I cannot WAIT for this!

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
      • Zev J
        Zev J

        (applause and cheering)

        June 26, 2019
        |Reply
  5. Jamie
    Jamie

    OMG, I am so excited for this!

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  6. Jenny talia
    Jenny talia

    Oh my God, I’m so excited.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  7. Jules
    Jules

    You have the best friends in existence. That is fucking amazing!

    The detail, the artwork. The storyline that already sounds about a thousand times more interesting than The Mister!

    I cannot wait to read the heart pounding tail of John and Flicka! (oh no, the horse puns are contagious!)

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  8. Leigh
    Leigh

    This is amazing! You have the best friends.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  9. H. Savinien
    H. Savinien

    Hahahahaha, yesss.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  10. This is amazing. That summary slew me. Thank you. Yes.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  11. Jessica
    Jessica

    With regards to repetitive names, theres a conductor in Souyh Africa called Richard William Cock.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Ok that means we can totally get away with a William Rooster Dickens, right? (Of course that guy’s name is actually better but shhhh…)

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
  12. Helen
    Helen

    I have never been so excited about a new book

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  13. MyDog'sPA
    MyDog'sPA

    MUCH better for one’s sanity than soul-sucking JHBC recaps. As much as I’ll miss them, my wife won’t, but I’ll agree this is going to be a lot more fun and WAY more beneficial for Jenny’s mental health than the endless black holes of the recaps.

    Now, Centaurs are interesting animals. They have hind legs, forelegs, and (human) arms, or 6 limbs, total. (Hey, it just dawned on me: They’re kinematic! Private joke: nevermind) So does a Centaur have the typical traits of the same limbs as a regular horse? (e.g., foreleg pawing/stomping/striking, hind leg cocked/raised, tail swishing when anxious). And now that he’s a horse and his junk is exposed for all to see, what happens at a meeting when he relaxes and lowers himself?

    Anyway, food for thought.

    I was speculating on how your hero could have invented things for Centaurs to make himself rich, but it dawned on me that they do have human arms so they can manipulate normal things like everyone else.

    But as a complete aside and extra-credit for thoughts, the 6 limbs on a Centaur are the exact same number that are on a dragon: 2 wings (instead of human arms), 2 forelegs, and 2 hind legs. So: dragons are cousins of Centaurs! Ooh! Neat! Not that this has anything to do with your story. I’m just rambling. Go write and enjoy!

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • MyDog'sPA
      MyDog'sPA

      Hmm. What does a Centaur eat? How much of it? There are duplicate torso cavities for critical organs in the human/horse halves of the animal: how are the organs distributed between the human torso and the horse torso? (Is stomach in the human torso and lungs/liver/kidney/bladder/heart/intestines in the horse’s? If not, how long is the esophagus and what does the poor guy do if he gets acid reflux?)

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • many bells down
        many bells down

        My friend Jo has a whole rant about how one might perform CPR on a centaur.

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
        • Bunny
          Bunny

          There’s no way for a centaur to wipe its own rear, either, which is … probably unpleasant for business associates.

          June 25, 2019
          |Reply
          • MyDog'sPA
            MyDog'sPA

            What else do you think the tail is for?

            🙂

            June 25, 2019
          • Dove
            Dove

            Use a bidet?

            June 25, 2019
          • Dove
            Dove

            Also, if he’s flexible enough, maybe he could reach… human arms are pretty long and he just needs to lean kinda sideways and back before reaching over. The bigger issue might be aiming into the toilet and i’m kind of imagining him leaning down to peer at it upside down while he’s trying to aim… if the penis is where the horse has it. Or if it’s a big stall, like in a public toilet, just sidling up sideways and straddling it that way maybe… as long as he has a good grip with the other hooves, he could even take a page from dogs and lift a leg but i think it’s also possible to have the organ itself very flexible… but that’s only if it’s long! If he has a human penis in the human position (weird but do-able probably) then he’d only have to worry about aiming when he shits and i’m pretty sure he’d be using the big toilet stalls for that. (Although, if he poops outside and picks it up in a doggie bag… i would be amused. Sorry, i’m terrible.)

            June 25, 2019
          • MyDog'sPA
            MyDog'sPA

            Dove,

            No, I’d have him have the full-horse compliment of genitalia (all 24 inches worth) in the standard horse location if nothing else than to up the comedy aspect for Jenny’s TBCVT. Is it a misdemeanor for him to poop or pee on the street? What if he’s tired at a bus stop and lets himself down–is that ‘exposure’ akin to a human flasher? Does he do it on purpose to pick up women when the cops aren’t looking? What’s the minimum age of any onlooker before he gets a ticked for ‘indecent exposure?’ (if at all) Ooh, what if Centaur-penis-exposure laws changed to be very strict and he had to invent a girth strap/jock strap that kept everything hidden: but he patented something that was actually comfy and stylish, thereby making his fortune? This is comedy, after all, so, yeah, play that up for all its worth. (Yikes, if he did invent such a thing, how does he get it on and off by himself when he wants to pee?)

            As far as the internal anatomy, I think Jenny has to decide where stomach, heart, kidneys, and all the internal organs go. (It may be easiest just to use the horse equivalents and the human torso is an empty cavity). Food-wise, he eats like a human, vegetarian, mostly grass-based, but he has to eat a lot of it as he’s pushing 1000 pounds on the scales.

            That raises another question: how does he exercise? He’s got 2 cores (torsos), so how does he get his 6-pack abs on the human torso if he can’t do ‘sit ups?’

            This is way more fun than recaps!!!

            June 26, 2019
      • Dove
        Dove

        Well, if they have two stomachs, the human one could throw up, but the horse one can’t. They wouldn’t be able to eat grass straight up with a human head but horses also can’t stomach every plant that a human can eat… they might need their own specific combined biology… they could be an omnivore though, especially if the horse end evolved along those lines. It just depends what you’d want to do!

        But i love this kind of speculation and the thought of dragons… what if they evolved their wings into proper hands, alongside or past flight? They’d truly be dragotaurs then…

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Forgot to add, what if he just never left his desk during business meetings? In the case of relaxing and such… that’s also only relevant if his genitals are where the horse has them and not where the human does, lol! I mean, maybe bad idea in a wilderness setting but urban might not matter? He’s not exactly crashing through the shrubbery on a daily basis… i hope! I wonder if he loves going to the park? I bet he’s an avid jogger.

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Dove
        Dove

        Er, meant human groin placement isn’t ideal for living in a forest/field environment i think but only if he needed to run from anything and even then it might not be that bad. Still not great if he banged his front end into a fence while trying to leap over it. Ok and i’ll stop for now.

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
  14. many bells down
    many bells down

    I feel like Chuck Tingle is jealous he didn’t think of it first.

    … unless he DID?!?

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      He surely has a centaur… hopefully not a business one!

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
    • Tez Miller
      Tez Miller

      Quick check of Amazon – nothing came up for Chuck Tingle and centaur. The Business Centaur is all yours, Trout!

      June 26, 2019
      |Reply
      • many bells down
        many bells down

        I was more thinking that either Jenny or one of her friends is secretly Chuck Tingle

        June 26, 2019
        |Reply
  15. Akri
    Akri

    My day today was full of absolute bullshit, but this post? This post is amazing.

    I never leave comments on here (sorry! I love your work!!) but I just had to let you know that this legit made my day 100% better.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      Hey, never apologize for not commenting. I think this is legitimately the most I’ve ever commented on one of my posts and I *am* me.

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
  16. I had to make a hotel reservation for a conference, and got my confirmation with all of the info. The hotel has “a business center”-

    And I lost it and started laughing all over again. YOU MEAN BUSINESS CENTAUR, RIGHT?

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  17. I am eagerly waiting for our lord and saviour Business Centaur! 🙂

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
  18. Dove
    Dove

    So, first of all, deeply sorry i never got around to posting encouraging sentiments on the writer’s retreat post (and another post, though i haven’t read that one yet.) I’ve been busy, just kind of dealing with shit, and most of my current wind-down time was given to youtube (although i had a bar hop Sat that i wish i could forget, ruined my whole weekend. Anyway…)

    Three things… i love your friends and all of this! I’m deeply honored that they roped you into writing this hilarious thing and i love it, from the backstory, to the concept, to the name, to the action figures (ahem, i need to hunt down that centaur’s manufacturer… at first blush i’m guessing Schleich, Safari, or perhaps Bullyland.) I love centaurs. I love parodies. I love your writing. I’m sure to love this.

    Second, i highly recommend watching Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law for inspiration. Not exactly the same thing but it’s got the same silly, overall vibe, based on reusing old Hanna Barbera properties. I also strongly recommend Stinz, a comic book/graphic novel series by Donna Barr as secondary inspiration. Her artwork is beautiful, her characters and sense of humor are good, and i just loved him ever since i read Horsebrush as a kid. (Well, actually a furry short story comic book series introduced me to one of Stinz’s childhood exploits, he was a bit of a scamp, but that was the first graphic novel of this series that i read.) Absolutely worth a look, especially if you have some trouble imagining a centaur body in action. Stinz is set during WWI, btw, if you wonder why he seems archaic.

    Third, the business centaur reminded me of a short story i forget the name of. A tailor gets a strange commission for a suit, gets the numbers and such to make it in advance, and as he’s constructing it begins to think it’s for some sort of naughty theatre play, based on the need for a working fly. But he finishes it and low and behold, when the client turns up for the fitting, he finds out it’s a centaur, sent on an ambassador mission or something (which is why he needs the suit, he doesn’t normally wear such clothes.) I dunno, it’s nothing special, just thought i’d share that.

    June 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Believe it or not, the centaur was part of an Imaginext castle set. Imaginext was (is?) a subsidiary of Fisher Price. My kids would have had the set back in the late 90s or a bit later. I googled JGJ, and according to the internet, he was part of a set called the Lost Fortress. Hope that helps!

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Dove
        Dove

        Ooh, thank you! 😀

        I actually forgot about that line (amazing that it’s still ongoing!) Maybe they’ve reused that sculpt since then? Even if not, i can marvel at him and ponder acquiring him some day via thrifting or ebay (lol or Amazon but that tends to be much more expensive.)

        June 25, 2019
        |Reply
    • JennyTrout
      JennyTrout

      Lemme stop you right there…

      I have every season of Harvey Birdman on DVD. It is EXTREMELY my jam. 😀

      June 25, 2019
      |Reply
      • Dove
        Dove

        Yes! OMG, I can’t wait! *wiggles like an eager puppy* XD

        June 26, 2019
        |Reply
  19. Zev J
    Zev J

    I laughed my way through this post and haven’t even read the comments yet. I’m excited for the serial! And I exploded into laughter at “hungry but not for oats” and shouted, “This is the only time the phrase will ever be funny and not annoying! I have to read this!” And what a neat synopsis, stealing company secrets.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  20. Mouse
    Mouse

    If you’re looking for potential corporations there may be some wonderful racehorse names you could use for inspiration.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      I love that! Seabiscuit Inc and Buckpasser Co, here we go! (lol well the second one I didn’t know until I looked up famous horses on Wikipedia, there’s a list, but it might work?)

      June 26, 2019
      |Reply
  21. Tez Miller
    Tez Miller

    Sequel idea: Enterprising Kraken. (That’s actually the name of an author’s business – I saw it on the copyright page in one of her books one day, and loved the snazzy name.)

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  22. Fran
    Fran

    Oh my friend,
    I have read not one, but two, chuck tingle novels. I will absolutely read this and love every word. I would purchase it even. I’m so excited. You have no idea.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  23. Victoria
    Victoria

    I 100% cannot wait to read this.

    Also, my best ever repetitive name is Wolfgang Wolf, who coached the Wolfsburg soccer team from 1998 to 2003.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  24. Delta Juliet
    Delta Juliet

    I love every single thing about this. You are amazing and you have the best friends!

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  25. Gretel
    Gretel

    I was hoping – neigh, praying! – the story would end like this! And I was not disappointed.

    Also, no horsecok action? If you have to write centaur romance/porn, you better go balls deep in. Embrace the horsecock!

    “He was hungry. But not for oats.”
    The fucking money shot. They saw it, and they delivered.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  26. This is amazing. I am extremely here for it.

    Can you imagine what the stock photo models might think if/when they come across this?

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  27. Jenny Fan
    Jenny Fan

    Jenny, I love your writing and I worship your work. I would 100% pay any publisher you choose for the privilege of reading The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp. Not even joking.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  28. Anna Namus
    Anna Namus

    I love this beyond words. Stuff like this and your recaps… I hope you have some idea just how much happiness you bring people. Shine on, you beautiful centaur floor-candy diamond.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  29. Maria
    Maria

    i am so excited for this! you can’t even imagine.

    June 26, 2019
    |Reply
  30. jlh
    jlh

    This is fantastic, your friends are fantastic, and I am trying not to laugh cry at work.

    June 27, 2019
    |Reply
  31. Eclairmaiden
    Eclairmaiden

    I will read this, and when it’s finished, I will buy this. Two of them. This I promise.

    In the meantime, I’ve been thinking of buying and reading one of your books, so I’m asking you and the commenters here to tell where I should start on the works of the great Jenny Trout. If I’m gonna read a romance story, I’d like it to have fantasy or historical elements to help me adjust to the genre, so what would you recommend?

    June 28, 2019
    |Reply
    • Bookjunk
      Bookjunk

      Oh, good one! I’ve been planning to read one of Jenny’s books for ages now and I don’t know where to start either, so I’m just gonna see what kind of recommendations you get!

      June 28, 2019
      |Reply
    • I think Bride of the Wolf would be a great place for you to start. Historical/shifter PNR.

      June 28, 2019
      |Reply
  32. Jackbo Manhorse
    Jackbo Manhorse

    Parody aside, more fantasy peeps than bipeds please. I hope you do write it, Jen, because I could really do with a book where people with very different bodies have good sex. It weirds me out when a character’s got a consenting adult brain but still gets called animal instead of person.

    June 30, 2019
    |Reply
  33. J
    J

    I am SO EXCITED for this to happen!!! Jenny, I hope you have the best time with this.

    June 30, 2019
    |Reply
  34. Elizabeth
    Elizabeth

    I love, love, love this idea! Any chance you can mark the chapters that are NSFW as such? Not that I’d ever read this blog at work. Ever. I’m super dedicated.

    I can’t wait!!

    July 2, 2019
    |Reply
  35. happyanarchist
    happyanarchist

    I’m just going to leave this link here…

    July 3, 2019
    |Reply

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