Skip to content

Wednesday Blogging: My Anti-Bucket List

Posted in Uncategorized

I haven’t Wednesday blogged in a long time, because I’m lazy. But also, because I have all sorts of other stuff I like to do on the blog (like update links pages…which never, ever happens. Not ever), a lot of which I’d like to do on the weekly. When I found out this week that  the topic is “your anti-bucket list” I was like, “Bitch, what is an anti-bucket list?” And Bronwyn Green was like, “It’s a list of things you don’t want to do before you die.” I immediately thought of about five thousand really grim things, like “experience surgical awareness,” “get cancer,” or “have one of my kids die.” And then Bronwyn was like, “Cool your jets, it doesn’t have to be like that.” And I thought of some much better ones that aren’t, you know. Common fears.

So here is my anti-bucket list:

Meet Anthony Stewart Head. So many well-intentioned Trout Nation citizens have tried to convince me to go to a con and meet him, because it would be funny and make a good blog post. They’ve tried to entice me with details like, “He smells so good,” and “He’ll totally hug you,” and “He’s really nice, honest.” I’m sure he’s super duper nice, and while my knees go positively weak at the thought of knowing what he smells like… dudes. Come on. I’ve written four books of graphic sex with a main character who looks and sounds nearly exactly like him in my head. There is no way I could be comfortable being in the same building as this person, let alone actually speaking to and having a picture taken with him.

Have to use pepper spray on anyone. I mean, I don’t carry pepper spray, but I’m really afraid that sometime, somehow, I’m going to have to pepper spray someone. I can see this going down one of two ways:

1. I am in a horribly scary, life threatening situation in which the use of force is necessary to prevent injury and/or death to my person.

2. I am not in a scary, life threatening situation in which the use of force is necessary to prevent injury and/or death to my person, and I have just maced somebody on accident.

Neither of these scenarios appeal to me, so I’m just gonna make like Bartleby in this situation and prefer the fuck not to.

Go into space. I realize that I’m already in space, flying around on a little hunk of rock in an infinite, mysterious void. I don’t want to leave this little hunk of rock, because fuck that. Space is scary as hell. If The Doctor showed up in fifteen minutes and was like, “You wanna?” I would be like, “yeah!” But he’s the only person I would trust to take me into space. And I don’t care how brave Katrina was, I’m not blowing myself out an airlock for him. Space is out there. But back to my original point: space is freaky and I don’t like knowing it’s out there, so I’m not going to go there.

Swim next to a whale. What the fuck is wrong with you people? Do you not see how big that thing is? Why would you? Why?

Age gracefully. Because that’s just bullshit. It’s bullshit to expect women to not take advantage of the miracles medical science has provided us, while at the same time torturing us in a culture that prizes our beauty and youth above all. And then we deride women when they try to fulfill that cultural expectation through surgical means. That’s bullshit. I speculate that by the time I am seventy, I will look something like this:

Lady_Cassandra

You know why? Because with all the tattoos I’ve put on my body, and all the holes I’ve punched in it (though I don’t wear my piercings anymore), I cannot be morally above becoming a bitchy trampoline in my golden years.

Have any kind of dangerous, life changing adventure. You know what? If a bunch of dwarves start showing up at your house? You don’t have to let them in. You can sit in your safe, cozy hole, smoke your pipe leaf, and put your hairy little feet up. Which is exactly what I would do. Fuck you Bilbo. This ain’t amateur hour.

Tell me what you’d put on your anti-bucket list, and check out the lists from these Wednesday bloggers:

Bronwyn Green • Jessica Jarman • Kris Norris • Gwendolyn Cease • Kellie St. James

Did you enjoy this post?

Trout Nation content is always free, but you can help keep things going by making a small donation via Ko-fi!

Or, consider becoming a Patreon patron!

38 Comments

  1. Space *is* scary. No. However, for the Doctor, I’d probably go. But I can’t tell you I’d get out of the TARDIS. I’d just be like, “You go ahead, I’m going to sit here and knit a few more rows…”

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • Promise
      Promise

      With you 1000% on this one. Do I want to meet the Doctor? Hells, yes! Do I want to see the inside of the TARDIS? Hells, yes! Do I want to go into space, to an alien planet, or any other situation that always ends up fraught with peril when the Doctor takes you there? Hells, NO!

      January 15, 2015
      |Reply
  2. Las
    Las

    Hell, yes on “age gracefully.” There are a few actresses who I wish would reveal the name of their plastic surgeons, because I want to keep their names on file for when I decide I want their services.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • drmaggiemoreau
      drmaggiemoreau

      I know a few good names. However, plastic surgery HURTS. In the vein of my anti bucket list- plastics edition: I’d never get butt implants. Botox and other fillers also hurt. Like, seriously ask your doctor for pain meds to take prior to the procedure. But the results can look epic.

      January 2, 2016
      |Reply
  3. Cat R.
    Cat R.

    Space is just, uh, no. Two words – “Space Oddity” Also, being at the top of a very tall building (bridge, whatever). I don’t care how awesome the view is. Heights suck.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  4. Cat R.
    Cat R.

    Space is just, uh, no. Two words – “Space Oddity” Also, being at the top of a very tall building (bridge, whatever). I don’t care how awesome the view is. Heights suck. (if this is a duplicate comment, sorry, my phone is being weird)

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  5. Gray
    Gray

    The first one killed me. At first I was like, ‘did I read that wrong’? Am I misunderstanding the point of this list? But yeah, I get your point. Imagine if Anthony Stewart Head was actually aware of The Boss and that Neil Elwood is him.

    Gah I’m doing some second-hand(?) blushing for you.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • Mandi Rei Serra
      Mandi Rei Serra

      There is a side of me that would *LOVE* to get a photo with ASH, him holding a copy of The Boss.

      That’s condensed awesome sauce.

      January 15, 2015
      |Reply
  6. rateltje
    rateltje

    Space? Nuh-uh.
    Dangerous adventures? Nuh-uh.

    I’d add “going on a detox” (or any other crazy food-related shit that isn’t: “use your common sense, yo!”).

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  7. Katy Newton
    Katy Newton

    I will selflessly meet and smell ASH for you. No no, it’s fine, I don’t mind.

    My main anti bucket list item is skiing. I know everyone loves it and my husband would love me to come with him. But – childhood congenital conditions on one leg (“she will be just like everyone else but you mustn’t let her do any winter sports as we’re not sure we could fix it if it felll apart again”), and then a really quite bad and complicated break JUST FROM WALKING ON THE PAVEMENT on the other leg last year. Only just got the hang of walking again. Not going skiing, thanks.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  8. Not meeting ASH made me laugh so hard, but I totally get that. There are people I’d love to meet, but I should never be allowed to share air with.

    And yeah, fuck aging gracefully.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  9. Gwen Cease
    Gwen Cease

    Not going into space is awesome and I so agree. Also, when I read it I immediately thought of Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy. “Space is big. You just won’t believe how vastly, hugely, mind-bogglingly big it is. I mean, you may think it’s a long way down the road to the chemist’s, but that’s just peanuts to space.”

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  10. I second the bungee jumping. Detached retinas are not my idea of a fun time.

    Climb Mt. Everest. Well, climb any mountain, really, but Mt. Everest is especially in the DO NOT WANT box because it’s gotten so crowded it’s basically a conga line in the snow.

    Run a marathon. I don’t run, typically, so running for a really long distance just seems like even less of a good idea.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  11. Tammy
    Tammy

    Hmm…this will take some thinking, as I’m a rather adventurous person who does random shit as long as it’s within my budget.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  12. Lieke
    Lieke

    ‘Having kids’ is probably at the top of my anti-bucketlist. I love children (well, some of them, some of the tim) and I’m really looking forward to becoming an aunt one day. But becoming a mother? Hell no. It’s just not something I’m interested in ever doing.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • Tabby
      Tabby

      I’m glad someone besides me said that! Whilst there might be a tiny possibility of crossing that one off the list at some point in the future for me, I really don’t think it’s on the cards. I’m definitely not a kid person!

      January 14, 2015
      |Reply
    • Magdalen77
      Magdalen77

      Yes, being an auntie and a (step)grandma is awesome!! You get to hang out with the kids, spoil them rotten, and then send them home to mom.

      January 15, 2015
      |Reply
  13. Pansy Petal
    Pansy Petal

    Interesting topic this week – “Anti-bucket list.” I have only one thing that is on that list and I have been quite vocal about it all my life. Anything that involves falling. Heights are okay. Love a good view. It’s the falling I don’t like. My brothers wanted to teach me to ski as a teenager. After watching them fall down a few times, it was like, “Are you nuts?” A good friend sky dives and thinks it is the best thing in the world. I am, “Are you Nuts? Why jump out of a perfectly good airplane?” Nope! Keep my feet firmly planted. And it is okay if they are planted on the TARDIS. The view would be awesome! 😀

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  14. Another vote for ‘no kids ever’ from me. Anything else I could cope with, I think, but if I ever got pregnant, my life would be over.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  15. Anti-Bucket List:
    Sky-Diving, never ever ever have a desire to jump out of a plane with just a parachute between me and living.
    Children: do not want ever.

    However, on the list of things that other people haven’t already pointed out…

    I never want to run a marathon/perform some great feat of physicality just to prove I can/to brag about it. I genuinely hate running, HATE IT so I’d never want to be like, ‘Oh look at me in this marathon, I’m so awesome,’ when that would be the hugest lie ever. Obvious disclaimer, that’s not what I believe to be the mentality of everyone who runs marathon’s or wants to run marathons, but personally I’d feel like a fake especially as I said I hate running. So definitely anti-bucket list. (I feel like that is a big one to include on a bucket list/as a resolution so I thought it makes a good anti-bucket list item.)

    I never want to give up the things I love because of some weird idea of how you have to conform to certain standards of ‘adult-hood’. I’m twenty-seven and I never want to give up my Pokemon tcg or video games or my enjoyment of Sailor Moon etc, etc. I only mention because I have a certain relative who I am no longer friends with on Facebook try to take a pot shot at my interests as a way to belittle and discredit me and as someone with a youthful face it’s hard enough not to be taken seriously but I refuse to be bullied out of it.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • Lieke
      Lieke

      Oh, I totally agree. Just because some things are targeted at children/young adults doesn’t mean that people outside of the target audience aren’t allowed to enjoy them. I adore Winnie the Pooh and I’m not going to stop anytime soon. Seriously, screw what other people say about the stuff you love!

      January 15, 2015
      |Reply
      • Promise
        Promise

        Totally. I love that princesses are so popular with little girls right now, because it means I get to indulge in my love of them with the little girls in my life in a way that’s just not possible on my own.

        January 15, 2015
        |Reply
  16. Petra Newman
    Petra Newman

    I’m with everyone here on the ‘not jumping out of or off anything’ choice. I’ve heard too many apocryphal stories about the bungee cord being too long or the parachute not opening to ever tempt me to do that. I had this debate with my SO who loves all things walking/climbing/adventure related. He came out with the classic argument that you only live once and you could be run over by a bus tomorrow (incidentally why is it always a bus that runs you over in these scenarios?) so you should live life to the full. Why I agree with the sentiment, my point has always been that if you were run over by a bus it would be a tragic accident, if you bungee jumped and the cord was too long you’d forever be the fool who got killed because he didn’t measure the distance he was jumping correctly.
    I’ve also never seen the attraction of swimming with sharks. The ocean is a dangerous enough place with things that actively trying to bit you and sting you without actively seeking out its apex predator. Again videos of sharks making mincemeat of those so called safety cages have been burned on to my eyeballs and with the Jaws music forever accompanying it in my head, that’s not something I’ve ever fancied trying.
    Another item on my bucket list is being in a beauty pagent or any kind of show that requires me to appear elegant and put together in front of an audience. I’m not talking about acting here; putting on a play and becoming a character is something totally different and I don’t mind that at all. It’s the thought of being the center of attention that brings me out in a cold sweat. I also believe that people have a ‘default setting’; a base level that we basically reset to. So from what I’ve seen of Amal Clooney, I would describe her default setting as ‘coolly poised’. Mine is most definitely ‘vaguely harassed’. Any time I try to pull of sophisticated and put together I inevitably end up falling on my ass or smearing my make up, usually both at the same time. So aside from any qualms I might have about pageants and sexism, the thought of all the ways I could make this go catastrophically wrong makes them a definite item for my anti-bucket list.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  17. Amber Rose
    Amber Rose

    Somewhat related to your first one: I never want to humiliate myself in front of a celebrity crush. A friend of mine had an absolute meltdown in front of Will Wheaton a couple years ago, I never, ever want to go through that.

    I had a weird moment when I met Bruce Campbell (who is so friggin awesome I love him so much) but security rushed us through so fast I didn’t get a chance to say more than Hi and Thanks.

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
  18. Tez Miller
    Tez Miller

    Even the phrase “bitchy trampoline” makes me happy 🙂

    January 14, 2015
    |Reply
    • Even? That is the greatest phrase of all!

      February 6, 2015
      |Reply
  19. Promise
    Promise

    Meet any celebrity – because I will *not* be cool and it’ll be awkward as hell and I’ll just embarrass myself and it would be awful.

    Become famous – seriously, do you see what society does to celebrities?

    Go into space (I do not and never will understand astronauts).

    Sky-diving, base-jumping, bungee-jumping – basically, nothing that involves going really high and then intentionally jumping off of our out of things, because doing that is fucking insane.

    Rock/mountain climbing – you can see the mountain much better from afar and people die doing those things. Fuck that.

    Caving – yeah, no. I hate caves. I won’t even go inside the touristy ones. My parents dragged me into a couple as a kid and after they had to rush me back out due to my panic attacks that resulted, they started letting me hang out in the gift shop instead.

    Have to actually use a weapon to defend myself against another human – I love shooting guns at the range, especially at a pumpkin or a watermelon, but I seriously do not want to be in a situation where I have to use one against another person.

    Be on a jury for a murder trial – what if we get it wrong? I don’t know if I could live with that guilt. Especially since I live in a state where people are executed for murder.

    Make an error that causes death or harm to a patient – this is probably one of the biggest fears of anyone in the medical profession and I am damned determined not to do this.

    January 15, 2015
    |Reply
  20. GreenPapayayaya
    GreenPapayayaya

    Amen on aging gracefully! I just turned 30, and in my 30s I intend to do exactly what I did with my body in my 20s: whatever the fuck I want. Be it botox and Jacie Kennedy haircut, or a flaming pink bob and tattoo sleeves. I also intend to lie about my age at any time I feel so inclined. Cuz I’m in no way responsible to disclose my age to you for your thorough evaluation.

    January 16, 2015
    |Reply
  21. Wow, had to scroll all the way to the bottom of the list. I had sharks not whales because most whales won’t eat you. Sharks… they bite if nothing else, and that’s a pretty damn big chomp.

    And I’ll go with Bilbo… LOL… love your list…

    January 16, 2015
    |Reply
  22. M
    M

    So, everything on your list is something I’ve done, I’d like to do, or I’m prepared to do.

    If we’re talking any celebrity I’m a big fan of, I’ve run into most the ones I really like at some point (I live in celebrity central). I haven’t met ASH, but it wouldn’t phase me because I’ve never had any salacious fantasies about him (or any other amous people, for that matter). I do have a rule to never bug a celebrity when they’re just going about their day. Some of my friends (always people who didn’t grow up here) want to go up to everyone they see, and that’s just rude. I talk to people if they’ve just done a live performance and have chosen to meet people at the stage door, and that’s it. In my youth I also met a bunch of people because I had a job in a theater or because friends of mine had jobs in theaters and let me backstage (always with the actor/dancer/singer’s permission).

    I carry pepper spray because there have been sexual assaults at the school where I take evening classes. I am fully prepared to use it and have practiced. Of course I don’t want to be in a situation where I would have to use it, but I wouldn’t hesitate; that’s what I like about pepper spray: I’m not killing or permanantly maiming anyone, so I can use it without hesitation and deal with the consequences if I’m wrong without having done irreperable damage. I would not be able to use a gun or other weapon. Also, those aren’t allowed on campus.

    I’ve swum near a whale… accidentally. I quickly returned to the boat.

    I can’t even be bothered to wear makeup, there’s no way I’m going to do botox or plastic surgery or dye my hair or anything else like that. It just isn’t me.

    I’ve had a few dangerous, life-changing adventures. I’m glad I had them, though I look back and wonder how I’m still alive sometimes.

    I’m leaving space for last because I am totally shocked by how many people wouldn’t go. Seriously? If NASA called me up and said, “Hey, we need someone else for this moon mission” I would be all over it. Of course, flying around in something more roomy like the TARDIS would be ideal, and the near-death experiences all part of the fun, but even in the realm of cramped reality, a short (one month max) jaunt into space would be amazing.

    Other things people mentioned: bungee jumping and skydiving I wouldn’t do. There was a time I would have, but it has passed. I’ll never have children (though I would take in someone else’s if the need arose).

    That’s about it.

    January 16, 2015
    |Reply
  23. Meet Anthony Stewart Head. So many well-intentioned Trout Nation citizens have tried to convince me to go to a con and meet him, because it would be funny and make a good blog post. They’ve tried to entice me with details like, “He smells so good,” and “He’ll totally hug you,” and “He’s really nice, honest.” I’m sure he’s super duper nice, and while my knees go positively weak at the thought of knowing what he smells like… dudes. Come on. I’ve written four books of graphic sex with a main character who looks and sounds nearly exactly like him in my head. There is no way I could be comfortable being in the same building as this person, let alone actually speaking to and having a picture taken with him.

    But would you Skype with him?

    January 17, 2015
    |Reply
  24. Balint Farago
    Balint Farago

    I completely disagree with the anti-bucket list idea. The point of a bucket list is to gather the things you want to do in your life, achieve them and look back on the things you achieved to appreciate life instead of sucking from 9 to 5 every day. Why would you create a list of things you don’t want to do? I don’t want to be a celebrity and I don’t want to do bungee jumping but who cares? Does it make me feel better? Will I have a better life thinking about things I hate or I am afraid of? No! I think about what I want to do in life. This is how I survive the days at my workplace. I am travelling to Iceland in 10 weeks because it’s fantastic and I am gonna see the Northern Lights (hopefully). Last Christmas I baked Christmas cookies the first time and it was a wonderful family experience. These are the things that make life better and this is why we should concentrate on future goals.

    February 2, 2015
    |Reply
  25. Kristen Griffiths
    Kristen Griffiths

    1. Read 50 Shades of Grey, because, obvis.

    2. Go on a cruise, because the idea of contracting a foodborne illness and shitting my brains out on a non-working toilet sounds terrible.

    February 3, 2015
    |Reply

Leave a Reply to Kristen Griffiths Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *