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Prove that it’s gay enough.

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“I liked it,” a straight acquaintance said of Gideon The Ninth by Tamsyn Muir. “But everyone said it was Sapphic and it wasn’t Sapphic.”

I, in the middle of listening to the audiobook, wondered if we were talking about the same Gideon The Ninth. Admittedly, I’m not finished; I listen to audiobooks in forty-minute chunks while I drive to my physical therapy appointments. But so far, and from the very first chapter, it’s been clear to me that the title character is a lesbian.

“There aren’t any sex scenes, though,” that same reader argued. “So, how do you know?”

How do you not know? I thought, but quickly moved on from that particular point, begging off the conversation by saying, “I’ll get back to you, I don’t want spoilers.”

Because what I wanted to say was, why do you need an explicit sex scene as proof that a character isn’t straight?

And they wouldn’t have liked the answer I would have supplied for them, the only real answer to that question when straight people complain about a lack of sex scenes as a lack of overall queerness in fiction: because the heteronormative mind equates queerness with sex, divorced from a total state of being, a straight default with a slight deviation of genital smashy-smashiness.

I had a view, peeking out of the closet, at attitudes of the ’90s and the ’00s, wherein any non-straight representation in mainstream fiction was the cis gay male, always flirting at the gym but never burdening a hetero reader with icky gay sex details. The rise in popularity of M/M romance novels written by straight cis women brought sexuality into gay “representation,” in the most painfully heteronormative way possible. Most of those books read like traditional straight romance novels clobbered with the find/replace stick: find “pussy”/replace “ass”, find “breasts”/replace “pecs”, find “Erin”/replace “Aaron”.

The ’10s continued the trend of authors, who identified as straight in public, putting out heteronormative depictions of queerness. Readers criticized fiction that didn’t have queer representation while somehow maintaining that blatant homophobia wasn’t enough reason for criticism. During E.L. James’s disastrous Twitter Q&A, a prominent author and internet darling took me to task for submitting the question, “Are you as homophobic in real life as your books are?” The very suggestion that the author of a book in which a running joke was that the romantic hero was far too manly and sexy to be mistaken for gay could possibly harbor some toxic heteronormativity in her brain was an indication of professional jealousy and not a valid argument. The main qualification for evaluating queerness in fiction was straightness, as queer voices were intentionally and forcefully pushed from the conversation if they were saying anything but “yaaaaaaaas, queen!”

Some opportunists embraced this attitude, with great success. Romancelandia cycled through a seemingly endless parade of pet gays who remained in favor just as long as they agreed that straight cis women could write M/M stories as authentically as any gay man, and that lesbophobia in publishing was just a trivial sales issue. These men usually fell out of favor by failing to embody the stereotype of the romcom gay roommate, getting “too political,” or being uncovered as a catfishing straight woman.

Now, in the roaring ’20s, the field of mainstream LGBTQA+ rep in genre fiction has grown. Queer authors are telling stories about queer characters that don’t center around the physical act of sex as an entire identity. LGBTQA+ characters aren’t just straight people who do something different when the bedroom lights go out. They are allowed to feel queer, to be queer, to inhabit a mindset that is completely alien to what straight readers are used to seeing, and those straight readers are tagging it as bad or inauthentic because it doesn’t match up to the heteronormative framework they’re used to. How can you tell if a character is gay if they don’t tragically die in their lover’s arms? How do you know a protagonist is non-binary if he’s using male pronouns and not wearing dresses? When the representation isn’t written specifically to educate straight readers, if the normal, every day parts of gay or trans lives aren’t shaped into something that appeals to a straight reader’s understanding, is that representation?

And that representation we see from big name, straight mainstream authors, which often rely on the homosexuality-as-tragedy vibes lingering in straight minds from the height of the AIDS crisis, is endlessly praised for being bravely queer, while true representation is dismissed as not being queer enough. When Sarah J. Maas, a straight author, intentionally writes homophobia into her fantasy world in order to keep a lesbian side character wallowing in closeted torment, a chorus of straight readers sing praises for her groundbreaking representation. When Tamsyn Muir, a lesbian author, writes a lesbian main character who hoards tittie magazines and gets a gooey crush on the equivalent of a wilting Victorian doll, those same straight readers criticize the representation because… there’s not enough scissoring to make it obvious, I guess?

In the same conversation with my aforementioned straight acquaintance, she mentioned another book we’d both recently read and mutually enjoyed: the very straight The Serpent and the Wings of Night. Acquaintance asked what I thought about the lack of LGBTQA+ representation in the book. I pretended not to understand. “The only straight people were Oraya and Raihn,” I argued. “Everybody else was queer.” When Acquaintance had no idea what I was talking about, I explained, “I never saw any of them having straight sex.” Which I hope drove the point home with this person.

The lack of LGBTQA+ representation in The Serpent and the Wings of Night or the heteronormativity of Ice Planet Barbarians don’t cause harm. Those are simply written with a straight audience in mind, regardless of what the authors’ sexuality might be. What I find more harmful are the attempts at representation made by authors who very clearly are not at ease writing queer characters or scenes of queer sensuality. Sweeping romances with highly explicit sex scenes between straight characters that suddenly become closed-door, fade-to-black only when it’s time for the icky gay sex to start are far more insulting and damaging than sweeping romances with highly explicit sex scenes between straight characters that have no LGBTQA+ characters or romances in them at all. If a straight author is uncomfortable writing outside of their straight experience, what, exactly, is compelling them to write the queer experience? Certainly not queer readers.

We often see authors bemoaning the fact that they have to write diverse casts of characters in order to avoid social media mobs or to remain competitive in the market, but I don’t see that being the case, at all. If a straight author can’t write an LGBTQA+ character without relying on outdated stereotypes or depictions of queer pain and death, how on Earth is that book meant to be competitive or exempt from criticism?

Very rarely do I see queer people clamoring for straight authors to write more queerly, or bemoaning the straightness of books written for straight audiences. That seems to be the exclusive purview of straight allies. Queer readers will seek out queer books from queer writers who are writing them authentically. They’re not absolutely salivating to read the latest heteronormative romantasy with a few queer characters tossed into die or live tragically chaste lives. Instead of calling for straight authors to write more queer characters, allies need to boost the profiles of queer writers.

And that starts with understanding that LGBTQA+ people are not solely defined by scenes of explicit fucking.

Jealous Patrons AV Club

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Hey friends! As we were all probably trying not to think about, E.L. James has released a sequel to The Mister, called, The Missus. I wasn’t going to pay any attention to it; James’s career is firmly heading to midlist now; The Missus didn’t break the top 100 on Amazon on its release day, and it didn’t make the lists. Finally, I thought. Finally, we are free. She’s not a cultural phenomenon, so there’s no reason to think about her and her god-awful books anymore.

But then I read this article on Bustle, and I was like, oh, fuck this, grabbed my camera and my hater goggles, and made a decision.

We’re recapping The Missus. But this time, we’re doing it with a twist.

Because I’m far more wordy when I’m typing than when I’m talking, recapping a book takes me between six to eight hours per chapter. That’s reading, making notes, re-reading, and writing everything until it’s exactly how I want it to be. And because my serialized fiction career is doing so well right now, I don’t have time to recap the book we’re already recapping, let alone a new one. But making videos is so much shorter. Read, rage, film, edit, caption, upload. It’s like a four-hour process in terms of active work time.

So, come along with me while I read and react to The Missus, beginning with my take on the article in which E.L. James claims that the trauma of her billion-dollar film franchise not turning out exactly how she envisioned it was so great, it caused her to develop amnesia to escape the horror.

THE GRIND

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This weekend, I saw something that I needed to see… probably ten years ago. It was a confirmation of something I already knew, something that any reasonable person would automatically land on as the truth from an objective standpoint. It’s a blog post by Dave Walsh titled, “Be Whoever You’re Gonna Be,” and I wish I could craft it into a sword or a hammer or something, bust into every indie author group on Facebook, and just start swinging it. Go read that, then come back here.

Now, I needed to see that post about ten years ago because I have spent a decade in the indie author hell pit of self-doubt regarding my productivity and bemoaning my laziness and lack of “wanting it” as much as other authors. I never intended to be an indie author. I assumed that when I self-published The Boss and The Girlfriend, I would make like forty bucks and go back to the demoralizing grind of begging for scraps from traditional publishers. I didn’t realize it would become my entire career, and I didn’t realize how much the rhetoric of the indie author community would harm my self-worth and self-image. And I would never have imagined that it wasn’t a problem with me, but a problem with the grind mindset of indie publishing that wasn’t just making me hate writing, but hate myself to my core if I hadn’t seen Dave’s blog post.

This has not been the greatest couple of years for me. 2022 started with a bang, with my best friend dying suddenly in January. I got Covid at her funeral because fuck you, Jenny, that’s why. The following September, I lost another friend to cancer, and in October, I was involved in a car accident that damaged the tendon, muscle, and soft tissue in my shoulder. In the intervening time, another friend almost died from a ruptured appendix. Another had a critically needed aortic valve replacement. So, obviously, this entire block of time has been completely stress-free. And then, this past March, I had to do the thing I hate most: I had to take time off. Why? Because I could no longer “tough it out” with my destroyed shoulder.

When I say “take time off,” by the way? I had the surgery on a Friday, took pain medication for two days, then went off everything but ice packs and ibuprofen to get back to writing my Yonder and Radish serials. The companies, by the way, didn’t ask this of me. They’ve been very understanding as I’ve navigated deadline extensions. Because of who I am and my blue-collar upbringing, it felt unforgivably lazy to let myself heal, especially since I’d planned a month off from my Patreon. A month! Sure, the surgeon and physical therapists and everyone I knew who’d ever had the surgery had warned me that the recovery would be long and painful, anywhere from six months to one year total. But I had taken a month off from my Patreon and two whole days off from writing. Two days! And all that had happened to me was a traumatic surgery in which a nerve block accidentally paralyzed my throat and chest. I had to be intubated, tissue was removed, bones were drilled, screws were placed, and I experienced the most pain I have ever experienced in my life, with no support from the surgeon’s office because it was the weekend and their answering service felt that a screaming, sobbing patient begging for help wasn’t an “emergency.”

And I got back to work on Monday.

With my arm in a sling, propped up on pillows, I gritted my teeth and cried and forced myself to sit at my desk and get my word count. And it wasn’t just the physical pain that bothered me. It was the mental process running the whole time: You’re not in that much pain. You’re being dramatic. It’s been two whole days since you had surgery. What’s wrong with you? You’re lazy. You don’t deserve anything you have. Other people want this more. Do you think other indie authors are taking time off for this kind of thing? They’re not. And that’s why they’re more successful. That’s why they’re making five figures a month, and you’re making four. You’re worthless and lazy, and you don’t want this. You are letting everyone down, and frankly, if your dead grandfather could see you being such a whiny little worthless bitch, he’d hate you exactly the way everyone should hate you. Because you are worthless.

That’s not an exaggeration for dramatic effect. That goes through my mind every time I do anything job-related. Even writing this blog post, there’s a voice in the back of mind: You’re wasting time. No one wants to hear this. You’ll write a thousand words here that you could be writing on your manuscript. That’s why your numbers have dipped. That’s why your latest release netted you a hundred and twelve dollars in release month. Because you haven’t earned it. Because you don’t work hard enough, and all you ever do is complain. That’s why nobody likes you. Because you don’t work hard, and you’re a lazy, worthless, spoiled brat.

Logically, I’m aware that all careers have hills and valleys, and I’m incredibly lucky that I’m able to continue being the breadwinner for my family but… I still feel lazy. Lazy for taking two days off to heal from major surgery performed under general anesthetic, a surgery I had already been told might take a year to recover from fully.

I cannot reiterate enough: two. days.

Over the years, I’ve stopped reading my reviews. I stopped when someone criticized my use of alternate pronouns in one of my books. It felt so intensely personal, and my writing was getting increasingly queer-focused. I decided I needed to protect myself, and the only way I could do that was by not reading reviews. But my serials started coming out on Yonder and Radish, and people can leave comments. Those are more fun because you get to see people react to your stories chapter by chapter and know exactly where these reactions (both positive and negative) were coming from.

But then I started to see things that wore me down. Things like, “I have to pay for this? Deleting the app.” There were so many comments like that, where people were outraged that I greedily wanted compensation for my work. I started to wonder if my work was worth anything. If I was worth anything. If I was scamming people because a publisher asked people to pay for the book I wrote. I started to consider whether I should just make my future work and entire backlist free, get a job outside the home, and be grateful that people even deigned to read my work in the first place.

Then, a couple of months into my recovery from this surgery, a deeply needed surgery that I had delayed four months out of fear of not wanting my career enough, fear of not deserving time off, fear of laziness, someone left a comment on one of my serials that has broken me. They left it at the conclusion of what was the third full-length novel I had written in 2023. I can quote it verbatim. I won’t because it feels like that would be the same as outing a reviewer. But to paraphrase, they angrily demanded why the story was taking a month-long break when they, a paying customer, had spent money on the previous books. They shouldn’t have to wait thirty days for the next book.

I stared at that comment, completely defeated. It was the confirmation of that voice in my head. I’m lazy. I don’t produce content fast enough. I don’t give. I only take. And I don’t deserve a single thing that I have.

The reason they have to wait is that I am depleted. By July first, I will have written four full-length novels this year. That isn’t enough. I should have been able to write faster. Other writers write faster. They don’t bother spending time with their families. They don’t take time off for things like unbearable grief, traumatic accidents, or painful surgeries. I’m lazy. I’m not good enough. I’m not cut out for this business.

At the same time, I recognize the problem. And I’m angry about it. I see the comment for what it is: entitlement. This reader felt entitled. I should be pumping out words at super-human speeds. Fulfilling their demand for entertainment should be my only goal. Not my family, my mental or physical health, just their desire for the next installment of a story that wouldn’t even fucking exist if not for me. Their response was not “thank you,” which I don’t expect, but “fuck you, I want a Golden Ticket now!

And what has caused this reader entitlement? Authors. Indie authors who are willing to resort to ghostwriters and AI because of this desperate need to “game the algorithm” over on Amazon, the never-ending quest to release as many books as possible in an impossible time frame, and the glorification of ignoring all human needs and obligations to serve up books, usually for free in the KDP program as the mark of being a Real Author™.

And this has caused a tendency to apologize profusely when serious, life-changing events cause even the smallest and most understandable of delays: First of all, I want to thank everybody who supported the release of BRIDE OF THE MINOTAUR last Tuesday. I know that the sequel is supposed to come out this Friday, but the sudden death of my husband of thirty years has really put a dent in my ability to finish the book on time. I’m hoping that I’ll be able to hit publish on Monday, but it will depend on how long the funeral takes. I’m hoping it won’t be more than a couple of hours. Thank you, thank you, thank you for your patience and I’m so, so sorry to be letting you down like this. It’s unforgivable, unprofessional, and inconvenient to my loyal readers. There will be supportive comments, telling the author to take the time she needs and that, of course, no one would expect her not to delay the release. But there will, guaranteed, be people in the comments saying, I’m sorry for your personal tragedy, but frankly, I’m sick of authors making promises and then not delivering. First, it was D. L. Rose delaying the next Legends of Alamora book by two whole weeks because she “needed” a new kidney, and now this. If you want to keep your readers, maybe think of how this type of disappointment will drive them away. I, for one, will not be reading you again.

And we’ve just gotten to the point where we accept this. We accept that we are failures for not being superhuman machines, spitting out hundreds of thousands of words per day. We make unreasonable sacrifices and, in some cases, beg for understanding about things where understanding should be automatic. We caused this problem. Some of us more than others—looking at you, rapid release squad—but we all contribute.

On top of the surgery and the three full-length novels, I received an amazing opportunity. I’m directing a production of The Music Man. This isn’t just any production: it’s the one Jill was most excited about. One that we talked about in our last text conversation after I found out my theater would be producing her all-time favorite musical. Plus, directing musical theater had been my dream in high school; I truly believed I would have a massive career as a performer on Broadway that would segue into becoming the most celebrated director of musical theater in history. Now, I’m not achieving that particular dream, but I am achieving a part of it. I’m being paid to put my vision for The Music Man on stage. And I’m doing it while honoring my best friend’s memory, healing a very small piece of a wound that I will feel for the rest of my life.

Now, every day when I leave for rehearsal, I think about the comment that person left on my serial. I think about the fact that they have to wait thirty days. Because I had the gall to accept my dream job. Because I selfishly had surgery and took two days off instead of properly resting and recovering. Because I’m lazy. Because I don’t want it enough.

I needed to see Dave’s blog post. It obviously doesn’t heal a decade of psychological damage or the grief and accute stress of the past two years. But it does make me feel like I have permission to be alive, to pay attention to life, to live my life for myself and not for people who will never see my output as “enough.” Will it banish the voice in my head that constantly tells me I’m not a writer, I’m a pretender? That as long as I lazily indulge in things like healing from major surgery, I’ll never be worthy? No. But for a couple of minutes, reading about someone else who’s feeling the same frustration as me, I felt a little better.

I hope that by sharing his post, and sharing this one, I might make someone feel a little bit better, too.

PATREON ANNOUNCEMENT: Modelland is here!

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After many, many attempts to convince me to recap a particular book, my Patreon patrons have done it. They’ve finally done it. Our current selection is Modelland by Tyra Banks.

The cover of Modelland by Tyra Banks features a single, illustrated eye with lots of yellow feathers sprouting above it like eyeshadow.

Is it a memoir? Contemporary fiction?

Nay. It is a YA Fantasy about a magical world called Metopia, in which a chosen few are selected to venture to a shining land on a mountain to become the most famous models in the world.

If that description is a siren song of terribleness, check out a preview for free here. If you like what you see, join at the $5 per month level for full recaps or the $1 per month level for posts discussing various element of each chapter as you read along from home. This is, however, the first book we’ve ever done in either the Jealous Patrons or Jealous Haters book club that isn’t offered as an ebook. That’s right: it’s a celebrity YA Fantasy novel about a magical modeling school that flopped so hard, it’s out-of-print in digital.

Hope to see you there!

RELEASE DAY! Taken By The Alpha King

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Hi there! Quick update from the land of typing still hurts: it’s release day for the paperback and ebook versions of Taken By The Alpha King!

He’ll never stop fighting to keep his throne…and her.

Born into a secret society of werewolves and betrothed to a mate she didn’t love, Bailey Dixon made the choice to leave her pack for five years. Now, she’s back and fully committed to becoming the werewolf she was destined to be.

But destiny–and the new pack king–have other plans. Rich, handsome, and utterly ruthless, Nathan Frost demands absolute obedience from the Toronto pack. When he sets his sights on Bailey, she’s plunged into a world of politics, sex, and violence she’s not equipped to navigate on her own.

With her life in danger and enemies emerging from every corner, Bailey is forced to rely on the mysterious stranger who’s usurped the throne of her pack. And even he can’t be trusted…

AmazonBarnes & Noble

Unlike past book releases, Taken By The Alpha King is available from any bookstore that can order through Ingram Spark. If you prefer to shop for a paperback from your local indie bookstore, ask them if they can order you a copy! I’m excited to have a way that readers can support their local bookstores!

Bridgerton React and Book Depository Links

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Sad news out of the book world: Book Depository is closing. Our amazing Trout Nation moderator has put together a list of my paperbacks that are still available to purchase there before the end of the month:

Say Goodbye to Hollywood
Nightmare Born
First Time
The Boss
The Girlfriend
The Bride
The Ex
The Baby
Say Goodbye to Hollywood

Here’s the legal: These are affiliate links, so Tez gets a little something if you buy.

In other news, recovering from this surgery is driving me to the depths of boredom. Typing is really difficult, so I was trying to think of content I could still be making. You know, so people will think I’m still alive, and I haven’t abandoned my blog.

It occurred to me that I had never watched Bridgerton. And I’m a romance author. I can’t believe I haven’t been arrested for dereliction of my duties yet. So, over on YouTube, I’ll watch and react to Bridgerton. Episode one is up now for anyone who’s interested.

TAKEN BY THE ALPHA KING paperback and ebook release! (and ARCs)

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DO YOU LIKE HORNY URBAN FANTASY ABOUT WEREWOLVES?

Cover of Taken By The Alpha King. A full moon over the Toronto skyline, with a crown on a stone wall in the foreground. The title is in large font in front of the moon, with Abigail Barnette along the bottom.

Well, I have I got the book for you, coming May 2, 2023. Taken By The Alpha King is a collection of the first three seasons of my Radish app serial for readers who prefer a different format. Seasons four and five will debut on Radish soon after, so you’ll be able to continue the story there or wait for those to come out in paperback and ebook in 2024.

Where can you get it? Basically, at any store that can purchase from IngramSpark. You probably won’t find it just chilling on the shelves, but you can ask them to order it for you. And honestly, that would help a lot because it might convince them to order copies and put them on the shelves. Which is one of my career goals: have my books available in bookstores again.

But, if you’re like me and you hate leaving the house, of course, it’s available online. You can pre-order it at Amazon, Barnes & Noble, Books-A-Million, it’s out there begging to be read. Here, have some pre-order links:

Pre-Order at Amazon
Pre-Order at Barnes & Noble

Now, onto the blurb:


He’ll never stop fighting to keep his throne…and her.

Born into a secret society of werewolves and betrothed to a mate she didn’t love, Bailey Dixon made the choice to leave her pack for five years. Now, she’s back and fully committed to becoming the werewolf she was destined to be.

But destiny–and the new pack king–have other plans. Rich, handsome, and utterly ruthless, Nathan Frost demands absolute obedience from the Toronto pack. When he sets his sights on Bailey, she’s plunged into a world of politics, sex, and violence she’s not equipped to navigate on her own.

With her life in danger and enemies emerging from every corner, Bailey is forced to rely on the mysterious stranger who’s usurped the throne of her pack. And even he can’t be trusted…


And now, a message for ARC reviewers: I have a limited number of paperback copies and an unlimited number of ebook copies available for review. Good review, bad review, any reviews, I’m just looking for reviews. If you have a GoodReads account, a TikTok account or YouTube channel, a blog, if you review books and you want to review this one, please send me an email at jenny@jennytrout.com (not providing a link there because whenever I do, I get an inbox full of people wanting to sell me blog articles none of you want to see here). Let me know which format you prefer and I’ll send an ARC your way.

It’s an update, yous all!

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Hey, everybody out there in Trout Nation! It is I, your long-disappeared Trout.

And now, I’ve got hardware in my bones.

My surgery went well. My recovery, not so much. I had this idea that someone was going to slice into my body, stick screws and sutures in there, reattach muscle, remove some bone, and I would take an Advil and put my feet up for a day before jumping straight back into work. Because, for some reason, I think I’m Wolverine. Instead, my recovery has included two calls to the surgeon’s office in tears for 8/10 pain, endless boredom, and the injustice of not being able to skate. And I’m talking neither roller nor ice.

I even had to miss a hockey game. Mr. Jen and our kid went to it and left me in the care of my eighty-four-year-old grandma, who tucked me in and brought me pop and ice cream and pizza, so I guess missing out on the K-Wings beating the Oilers was okay. But I did miss the garlic parmesan fries and the joy of my child screaming obscenities at the refs and the opposing team.

Wanna hear about my surgery? I did not have an awesome experience. It was outpatient (thank god), but I still needed to be intubated. Ventilators are one of my big (frankly, founded) fears, so I was extremely nervous to begin with. Then, an anesthesiologist gave me a nerve block in my neck. “If you feel any pinching in your fingers, let me know. That means I’m too close to the nerve.” Yeah, well, you neglected to tell me that pinching in my fingers wasn’t the only potential side effect. Because as it turned out, the nerve block paralyzed my vocal cords and my chest, hampering my ability to breathe and limiting my ability to tell anyone about it. I laid in the pre-op room by myself, unable to move my upper body apart from my head and right arm, for an hour and a half until someone came back to check and see if the block was working.

Yeah, it was fucking working. But I felt like I was drowning.

I wasn’t mad about the delayed surgery; I expected it. They pack outpatient surgery schedules, and if one thing goes slightly askew, things get delayed for hours. I was miffed that the anxiety drugs they gave me wore off before I headed up to the surgical suite. I was thinking the block had already gone wrong, so what else could happen to me? But I also felt like I was being suffocated, so I looked forward to the ventilator at that point.

But then, when they got me on the table, something amazing happened. BILLY JOEL POPPED UP ON THE SURGEON’S PLAYLIST. That put me somewhat at ease, though I still panicked when they put the mask on my face.

When I woke up in recovery, I started rattling off anesthesia facts to the nurse. When she brought me crackers, I warned her, “I will decimate you in Trivial Pursuit.”

She said, “Can you give me a big cough?”

Spoiler alert: I was fucking paralyzed so I could not.

And that means I’m still gurgling with vent butter two-and-a-half weeks later. But my pain isn’t as bad as it was and I don’t appear to be getting pneumonia from the lingering crap I’m coughing up, so everything’s coming up Jenny.

This is not the end of my surgical journey. Tomorrow, I start physical therapy. I don’t get out of my sling for another three weeks, at least. But I did buy a split keyboard, so I’m able to do some work. I’m not fully back to form, but it feels so great to be able to update everyone on what’s happening with me. Since I’m one-armed, I’ve been making a lot of content on TikTok, a platform that doesn’t require typing, and tomorrow I should have a react video for the Princess Diana musical up on YouTube (if the gods of Fair Use are with me). I may be working on more react videos just so I have content out there in the world while my arm heals; I don’t expect to get back to recapping full-time for a couple of weeks, at which point I’m excited to get back into Crave. And then we read that surprisingly not-shitty book until… well.

Let’s just say something fucking horrible is going to happen to us in June, and we all need to brace ourselves.

But there are new chapters of Her Brother’s Billionaire Best Friend posting on Yonder as we speak, new episodes of Taken by the Alpha King happening soon on Radish, and Taken by the Alpha King will also be coming to ebook and paperback on May 2nd (I’ll post here as soon as I have all the pre-order links, but you can pre-order the ebook on Amazon right now).

In the meantime… stay fishy? I don’t know why I typed that. But I did, and I’m standing by it. Stay fishy.

2023 starts off with a… sure. Sure, why not.

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Howdy, pardners. You may remember that in October of 2022, I got into a car accident. No, you know what, eff that, I’m not saying that I got into a car accident because I didn’t get into anything. I was minding my own business and someone else involved me in their car accident. And as a result, I have to have surgery.

Did you know your shoulder could rupture? I do! The orthopedic surgeon I was referred to pointed to this little black triangle on the MRI image and was like, “Do you see that?” and I, in all my medical expertise, thought, why yes, I do, this must be the injury. And then he pointed to a giant white mass that took up the rest of the image and said, “That’s what we want all of this white part to look like.”

I have so much stuff fucked up. One of my biceps is just no longer an option, I guess. Another muscle has a “full thickness tear,” and something is going to have to be done inside my shoulder that involves screws but honestly, I didn’t catch it all because this is so intensely gross that I was going to puke and pass out, probably at the same time.

Now, I’m not just putting this here to overshare and traumatize you with the knowledge that, under the correct conditions, someone might describe your shoulder as “ruptured.” It’s because I have to face the fact that my very productive 2023 might not be as productive as I previously hoped. Before the accident, I had set some ambitious but totally doable goals. I signed two contracts and started working on two books concurrently. One of those books is due March 30, and one is due April 1.

My surgery cannot be put off any longer, and I will have the operation on March 12.

I’m not panicking. You’re panicking.

No, I’m actually not panicking, but I am definitely prioritizing. First comes the legal, contractual obligations. Because I may have an immobilized right arm—my dominant arm—for up to three months, I’m scrambling to finish those books. I carefully budgeted my time in a realistic way, but now that I’m looking at a whole month just thhhttthhhpppttt right off the calendar, things are a little more urgent. I need to put those projects front and center.

Second on the priority list comes the Trout Nation Patreon. Because I have to eat.

And unfortunately, third place is this blog. Which I never envisioned happening. There was a time not too long ago that I considered myself a blogger first, and an author second. For a while now, I’ve hated that I haven’t been releasing chapters of The Business Centaur’s Virgin Temp and the Crave recaps regularly. “Things are going to be different in 2023!” I promised myself.

Foolishly.

Now, I’m not suspending either of those projects or saying I’m shutting the blog down, but I am going on hiatus here. March isn’t terribly far away, and on top of the time crunch, the injury itself makes it difficult to type, which is basically my entire job. I’ve started typing with my left hand, but as someone who types 90 WPM with both hands, 11 WPM as a beginning one-hander makes me gnash my teeth and curse God. It’s not practical for me to try to work on two simultaneous books, Patreon, and the blog, while typing at the speed of ketchup coming out of a glass bottle.

And did I mention that just days before I was told that physical therapy wasn’t an option and actually someone was going to be slicing and dicing inside my arm, I was cast as Bea in Something Rotten? Which, honestly, is going to be a great distraction for me. The show goes up like two weeks before the surgery, so I won’t have time to even worry about all the things about surgery that scare me, like “what if the anesthesia fails” or “what if I pee the bed the second I wake up, like I did last time?” The theater is very access-aware, so I’ll be choreographed and blocked around the injury, which is also very cool.

So, for right now, just expect that if there are posts here, fantastic, if not, it’s because of all that shit up there, and I’m otherwise on hiatus. In the meantime, I’ve been making TikToks somewhat regularly because that doesn’t require use of my arm. If you’re on TikTok, I’m over there just saying stuff.

Otherwise, cross your fingers that my arm is fixable, nothing goes wrong worse with it, and my recovery is speedy and I don’t miss out on all the good roller skating weather.