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The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch S03E22 “Graduation Day, Part 2”

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In every generation, there is a chosen one. She alone was almost driven crazy by a ticking noise coming from her coffee mug. She will also recap every episode of Buffy The Vampire Slayer with an eye to the following themes:

  1. Sex is the real villain of the Buffy The Vampire Slayer universe.
  2. Giles is totally in love with Buffy.
  3. Joyce is a fucking terrible parent.
  4. Willow’s magic is utterly useless (this one won’t be an issue until season 2, when she gets a chance to become a witch)
  5. Xander is a textbook Nice Guy.
  6. The show isn’t as feminist as people claim.
  7. All the monsters look like wieners.
  8. If ambivalence to possible danger were an Olympic sport, Team Sunnydale would take the gold.
  9. Angel is a dick.
  10. Harmony is the strongest female character on the show.
  11. Team sports are portrayed in an extremely negative light.
  12. Some of this shit is racist as fuck.
  13. Science and technology are not to be trusted.
  14. Mental illness is stigmatized.
  15. Only Willow can use a computer.
  16. Buffy’s strength is flexible at the plot’s convenience.
  17. Cheap laughs and desperate grabs at plot plausibility are made through Xenophobia.
  18. Oz is the Anti-Xander
  19. Spike is capable of love despite his lack of soul
  20. Don’t freaking tell me the vampires don’t need to breathe because they’re constantly out of frickin’ breath.
  21. The foreshadowing on this show is freaking amazing.
  22. Smoking is evil.
  23. Despite praise for its positive portrayal of non-straight sexualities, some of this shit is homophobic as fuck.
  24. How do these kids know all these outdated references, anyway?
  25. Technology is used inconsistently as per its convenience in the script.
  26. Sunnydale residents are no longer shocked by supernatural attacks.
  27. Casual rape dismissal/victim blaming a-go-go
  28. Snyder believes Buffy is a demon or other evil entity.
  29. The Scoobies kind of help turn Jonathan into a bad guy.
  30. This show caters to the straight/bi female gaze like whoa.
  31. Sunnydale General is the worst hospital in the world.
  32. Faith is hyper-sexualized needlessly.
  33. Slut shame!
  34. The Watchers have no fucking clue what they’re doing.
  35. Vampire bites, even very brief ones, are 99.8% fatal.
  36. Economic inequality is humorized and oversimplified.
  37. Buffy is an abusive romantic partner.

Have I missed any that were added in past recaps? Let me know in the comments.  Even though I might forget that you mentioned it.

WARNING: Some people have mentioned they’re watching along with me, and that’s awesome, but I’ve seen the entire series already and I’ll probably mention things that happen in later seasons. So… you know, take that under consideration, if you’re a person who can’t enjoy something if you know future details about it.

THE SISTER release week giveaway!

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First up, big thank you to everyone who tweeted links or left reviews or even just messaged me to say, “I finished it in 12 hours when is The Boyfriend coming out?” Also, thank you to everyone who pointed out the formatting errors with the Smashwords copy. A new copy will be available this week, and then it will be distributed to other platforms.

One thing I feel bad about, though, is that in this giveaway I said you could leave links to Amazon or GoodReads reviews, and looking back I was like, “Wait, what if they think I’m going to go read those reviews?” Don’t worry, I did not read your reviews. I’m not in a mental place where I even want to read reviews right now, so you’re totally safe.

Now, let’s get down to announcing these winners. The random number generator has spoken!

1st Prize: A Kindle Fire 7 (8 Gig) and a signed paperback of The Boss: Rebecca Rosen

2nd Prize: A $25 Amazon Gift Card and a signed paperback of The Boss: Laura Nichols

3rd Prize: A $5 Amazon Gift Card and a signed paperback of The Boss: Elena Johansen

4th Prize: Signed paperbacks of The Boss and First Time: Brianna Bernardo

I’ll be contacting you guys via email to get your information and send you your prizes.

Again, thanks everybody for spreading the word and reading my books. That means a lot to me.

Jealous Haters’ Book Club: Handbook for Mortals, Intro and Chapter 0, “The Fool” or “There Must Be Something More Than This Technicolor Dream Hair Life”

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While I was away on my fabulous vacation and only receiving internet contact from the outside world sporadically, shit. blew. up. Which is how it always happens. Stuff I want to be snarky and sassy about always seems to take place when I’m incommunicado, while the scary, serious shit goes down when I can’t escape it. But late last week, when I heard about Handbook for Mortals: Book 1 of the series (actual title), the literal overnight success that swept up to the very top of the New York Times Young Adult bestseller list to unseat the reigning YA phenomenon, The Hate U Give by Angie Thomas, I had to get the scoop. Because I, like pretty much everyone who watched the scandal unfold over a few dozen hours, knew in the very bottom of my heart that there was absolutely no way that a book no one had ever heard of, from an author no one had ever heard of, released by a publisher no one had ever heard of, had managed to knock a new American classic out of the #1 slot by playing fair. As the sordid details unraveled, I was glued to my phone.

Unfortunately, I had to do some extreme shit to get a signal.

My pale legs, sticking out of jean cut-offs, shot from straight above as I stand in sun-dappled water.
Standing in the crisp 39º F waters of Lake Superior, for example.

But it was all worth it. Because there’s nothing I hate more than seeing someone game the system to get ahead of other authors who work far harder and deserve it so much more, and on this one, shining, rare occasion, that someone was exposed for their lazy, obvious fraud.

Writer Kayleigh Donaldson did an amazing job of reporting the story, which was broken by author and publisher Phil Stamper, who investigated the details with bookseller Jeremy West. You can read the whole sordid tale here, and I really hope that you do because it’s epic and so full of absurd twists and turns that it could have been a screenplay about a con gone wrong written by Danny DeVito. The basic run down is, bulk orders for Handbook for Mortals: Book 1 of the series started rolling in exclusively at bookstores that report to the NYT list. The book wasn’t available in any physical form at any bookstore, anywhere, and it was listed as out of stock and ranked lower than #100,000 on Amazon, but the bulk order stats boosted the title to the top of the NYT chart. The resulting scandal involved a veritable who’s who of late ’90s, early ’00s people you go, “Who?” about. Like…Blues Traveler is somehow involved, and the chick who played Glorificus on Buffy The Vampire Slayer, and culminated in the New York Times revising and printing a corrected list which returned The Hate U Give to its rightful place.

But that’s not all, friends. That is not all. Lani Sarem, clearly aware that a cute white author with quirky hair can usually get away with anything short of murder and win the support of racist garbage people, just so long as whatever the hell it is they’re doing can knock an author of color down a peg or two, decided she was going to play the “poor, attacked” author card. From The Hollywood Reporter:

She believes The Times caved to social media pressure. “My personal opinion: I’m a first time author; I did some great numbers,” Sarem says. “They put me on the list. The list is curated. They didn’t have to put me on the list despite how many books I sold. When these people made a big issue, they were like, ‘This is too much effort.’ ”

That’s right, everyone. The people who objected to lazy, transparent manipulation of the system in an attempted shortcut to literary fame and fortune are just, dare I say it, jealous haters?

“The last book that caused a lot of controversy was Fifty Shades of Grey,” Sarem points out. “And it was caused by the book community because it was nothing like what they’ve put out. Whether you like the book or hate it, you have to acknowledge it outsold everything.” She continues, “I remember seeing an article where someone in publishing said we had to stand up and look at this because there were people out there that wanted to read this and we would never have put it out. That’s what people forget. There’s a world out there of people that read books; they just don’t exist in this little pocket, in this niche.”

Lani. Honey. Sugar. Baby doll. You did not need to make this so easy for Mother Trout.

So, here we are, at the start of another Jealous Hater’s Book Club, skewering yet another con-artist author touting herself as the Lewis and Clarke of an entire genre. Because Handbook for Mortals isn’t just another badly written wish-fulfillment urban fantasy that makes the legendary My Immortal read like Tolstoy in comparison– Oh, wait, I’m sorry. That was a typo. It should have read, Handbook for Mortals is just another badly written wish-fulfillment urban fantasy that makes the legendary My Immortal read like Tolstoy in comparison. In fact, it started out on Wattpad, a site known for fanfic (although it does feature original works), so it has common internet roots with both My Immortal and Fifty Shades of Grey. At least this isn’t a blatant rip-off of someone else’s work, though.

Without further ado, let’s get into Handbook for Mortals!

THE SISTER is here (and a release week giveaway!)

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The cover of The Sister, a black and white image of a woman in bra and panties, her head thrown back and her hand between her legs (though nothing explicit is shown).

The Sister is finally here! Thank you to all the readers who asked for more Neil and Sophie. I hope this book delivers.

Right now, you can buy it on Smashwords. When Amazon is available, I’ll update the link here. iBooks, Nook, and other platforms usually follow within a week or so, and I’ll announce paperback and audio versions on my Abigail Barnette Facebook page as more information becomes available.

Now for the exciting part! Since I’m a) terrible at timing and b) terrible at self-promotion, I’ve chosen to release my latest book while I’m on vacation to a remote cabin near Munising, Michigan, where there is no internet and no cell service. What does that mean? I’m glad you asked. It means I can’t tweet or Facebook my great news about my book release! So, I’m doing a raffle, in which I am encouraging you, my faithful readers*, to promo the hell out of this book on Twitter. Promo the hell out of it on Facebook. Promo the ever-living tar out of it. Here’s what’s in it for you:

1st Prize: A Kindle Fire 7 (8 Gig) and a signed paperback of The Boss

2nd Prize: A $25 Amazon Gift Card and a signed paperback of The Boss

3rd Prize: A $5 Amazon Gift Card and a signed paperback of The Boss

4th Prize: Signed paperbacks of The Boss and First Time

So, how do you enter? Simple. Tweet a link to this post or one of the buy links. Or put it on Facebook. Or Tumblr. Add it to your GoodReads shelf. Review it somewhere. Put it in a comment on something. Tell someone about it. Tell anyone about it, and fill out the form below with the link to where you helped me out by spreading the word. You can enter as many times as you want, as long as you’re sending me different links. I’ll pick winners via random number generator and announce them here on August 29th (and via email, so be sure you give me on that you check).

*I bet you’re wondering about the asterisk. Well, here’s the deal. Due to shipping and the wonky way Amazon works with their gift cards not being international and also just getting you this Kindle and you being able to plug it into the wall, this giveaway is only open to people who live in the United States. It’s not that I don’t love and appreciate you all. It’s just logistics and how freaking expensive it is to mail stuff out of the country.

When you’re ready to enter, here’s the form:

Thanks again, everyone who reads this series or has recommended it to other readers over the years. It means the world to me that you love my characters and their adventures, and your excitement over this book has lifted my spirits in a really dark time.

Sunday Night Bedtime Reading: THE SISTER, Chapter One

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The cover of The Sister, a black and white image of a woman in bra and panties, her head thrown back and her hand between her legs (though nothing explicit is shown).

I will not throw up on this woman. I will not throw up on this woman.

The studio lights were way brighter than I remembered from last time I was on the Wake Up! America set. I’d been auditioning for a job at the time, but somehow, I was more nervous today than back then. A very blonde woman of indiscernible age sat across from me on the bright orange curved sofa. I followed the line of her gaze to the teleprompter and accidentally caught sight of myself on the monitor.

The shade of blue they put me in flattered my suddenly green complexion, and my long, dark hair seemed too meticulously curled. Like, approaching uncanny valley perfection.

“And we’re live in five, four, three…”

“Welcome back, America,” the anchor said. “It’s eight forty-six here on a beautiful sunny morning in New York. I’m Amanda Tanner. If you’re just joining us, we’re about twenty minutes from Ariana Grande rocking the block as part of our Rock The Block summer concert series. But right now, we’re talking to Sophie Scaife, founder and co-editor-in-chief of Mode magazine, as well as author of the new memoir, Does She Have to Call Me Grandma?, which is out tomorrow. Sophie, It’s a pleasure having you with us this morning.”

“You, too.” You, too? You, too! Why did you say that, Sophie? Why? You’re going to have to go into hiding after this.

State Of The Trout: Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Changes

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Look out, all you rock n’ rollers. Time has for sure changed me. If you were around in October, you might recall that I lost my grandfather very suddenly. Because of how quickly it happened, how traumatic the scene was, and how I basically did not deal with any of my grief at all, I developed symptoms of PTSD. Which, because I’m me, I promptly ignored and wrote off as me just being silly. Because in Jenny World, other people’s mental illnesses and injuries are real, but mine are made up and the product of being a big wimp. It wasn’t until I watched my kids taking a life guarding course and saw them doing CPR on a dummy and had a panic attack that I realized, hey. Maybe I’m sick.

Since October, the blog has been sparse in the content department. That’s why. I was struggling in denial about my mental state. Writing anything was an uphill battle, which is why I haven’t had a new release in a while. To those of you who donated via that little coffee button on the side, I appreciate that more than you could know. You put food on my family’s table and paid our bills as my income dwindled.

The good news is, I’m feeling a lot healthier and more like myself. Which means…

Fans of my Sophie Scaife series can look forward to The Sister, available next week. I’ll post the blurb and a sample on release day. I’ve been playing it fast and loose with this one, due to the stuff listed above. I didn’t want to make promises I couldn’t deliver on. When the book goes live, I’ll also be launching a release day celebration contest, with the grand prize of an 8 Gig Kindle Fire tablet (ships USA only, sorry guys) and some other cool stuff.

After some encouragement from blog readers and friends, September will see the premiere of Trout Nation Radio, a monthly podcast with pop culture discussions featuring special guests and goofy segments. More info to come as the premiere gets closer.

As The Big Damn Buffy Rewatch nears season four, we’ll be adding Angel into the mix. The recaps will come out in the order they were originally aired with Buffy The Vampire Slayer, so the crossover episodes show up chronologically. It will also be the first time I’ve watched the show that way, so I’m totally excited about that.

Also coming soon? A #MerlinClub-style Twitter watch-a-long of North & South (the Richard Armitage one, not the Patrick Swayze one) with Bronwyn Green and Jessica Jarman, in a four-night event this fall. Details and hashtag will be posted here.

That’s all the news I’ve got. I’m glad to be feeling like myself again and thank you so much for your support and for sticking around during this past year.

Now, look at the cover for The Sister:

The cover of The Sister, a black and white image of a woman in bra and panties, her head thrown back and her hand between her legs (though nothing explicit is shown).