Monthly Archives: December 2008

I wish I had a coffee gun.

So, I’m at Dino’s Lounge in Kalamazoo right now. It’s been a while since I’ve been here. They have beer now. Who the hell wants a beer at eight in the morning?

Well, this morning, I do.

Anyway, I’m doing the take Jen Jr. v1.0 to school and then go to the coffee shop thing again. Yeah, I know, that’s all supposed to be hyphenated. But I’m not doing it, because I’m too tired and my coffee hasn’t reached my heart yet.

Why am I running away from home, you ask? Because my husband has left his job in order to be a full time house husband, which means that in order for me to get anything done, I have to flee my home. So, here I am, at the coffee shop again.

What was the point of this entry? Oh, right. Coffee gun. So, the guy was getting me my coffee out of one of those thermal carafe things that you have to pump, and he goes, “I hate this one, it has no pressure, so it takes forever to get anything out of it. The other one is like a gun, but this one sucks.” And it got me to thinking… how awesome would it be to have a coffee gun? Like, you could just get out of bed and shoot yourself in the face with it and be good to go.

Sigh. I think this chair is going to break right underneath me, and the spot I picked to sit in, in hindsight, is not so great, because this tree/plant/fern thing keeps picking at my hair.

It’s going to be a long morning.

Sunday Breakfast With Jen

If I said, “big, sloppy pile of eggs and cheese,” would that phrase excite you? If so, you have come to the right blog, dear readers.

I am going to share my recipe for the single greatest breakfast scramble of all time. It’s a bastardized version of the “Pig In The Garden” scramble from Food Dance in Kalamazoo, Michigan. Their dish is much better, because it’s made from all these ingredients that have fancy names and also, I think they put scallions in them. But if you can’t get to Kalamzoo, Michigan, and you settle for my version, I don’t think you’ll be disappointed.

Here is what you’ll need:


  • 2 large eggs, prepped for scrambling via your preferred method (I don’t add water when I make this, because I feel it makes the eggs too runny. Your mileage may vary).
  • A decent sized handful of sliced, white mushrooms, fresh, not the button ones from the can.
  • Yellow, red and orange cherry tomatoes, for a total of about four or five itsy bitty tomatoes. Trust me, the different colors make it way more fun.
  • Two strips of bacon, fried and crumbled up.
  • 1 oz. swiss cheese, grated
  • 2 tsp. unsalted butter.

Okay, what you’re going to do is just lightly sweat the mushrooms in the butter over low to medium heat. You’re not going for a full saute, here. Just get them a little wet looking, like they’re starting to cook, but haven’t achieved full, translucent brownness. Then, add the tomatoes, giving them a little squeeze, just to bruise them up a little as you toss them in, but don’t crush them. Yup, you leave them whole. Don’t worry, it all works out. Immediately pour on the eggs and scramble, scramble as though your life depends upon it (if you haven’t upped to medium heat yet, take the plunge right now, so your eggs will cook). When the eggs have achieved their desired level of done-ness, throw in the bacon pieces and the cheese. Fold them in and let the cheese melt. Then, plate and eat the hell out of that big, sloppy pile of eggs and cheese. Goes well with toast.

This just in: British people can hear penis.

Remember the whole Janet-Jackson’s-bewb-made-my-kids-gay debacle from the Superbowl a few years back? And remember how everyone was like, “OMG, only AMERICA would be that uptight about a naked body part?”

Today, the BBC issued an apology to any listeners who might have been offended when John Barrowman, star of “Doctor Who” and “Torchwood,” exposed himself during an interview on the radio.

On the radio.

On the radio.

On the radio

As a fervent, long-time proponent of public nudity for the sake of funny, I am torn on the issue. On one hand, this man:

should never have to apologize for exposing himself. In fact, I would wholeheartedly support any legal resolution that might be passed that would say something to the effect of him having to be starkers at all times.

On the other hand, the apology is far, far funnier than someone claiming to pull out their peen on the radio. In fact, the apology is the funny in this case. If someone said to you, “Oh my god, this guy just claimed to have pulled his dick out on the radio,” you’re not going to say, “Oh, that is hilarious! I must phone my friends immediately and tell them about this, it’s that funny.” But if someone said, “People in Great Britain were seriously offended by the very mention of a penis that they could not see, the BBC actually issued an apology for it and it’s this huge scandal,” you’d make a blog post about it.

On the other hand (in this scenario, I have three hands), it’s actually pretty sad that someone would be offended enough to call for an apology. Seriously, is radio somehow different in England, like how in America we say “Chips” and they say “Crisps” and we could accidentally order French Fries? Is radio really “tv” or “in person,” and I’m just not getting it because of the language barrier that somehow, incomprehensibly, exists between our two English speaking countries? Are the British afflicted with some horrible disease that makes them see out of their ears and also makes them allergic to genitalia? It’s not like this guy whipped his wang out during an elementary school spelling bee. The DJs brought it up, and he answered by… well, example.

If you want to read about it, Sky news has an article at their website. The title, TV Star Exposes Himself On Live Radio Show basically sums up the absurdity in a nutshell. No pun, or horrible offense, intended.