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I Don’t Know What That Is: A Baseball Interlude.

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FADE IN:

INT. TEENAGER’S BEDROOM, MORNING.

TEENAGER, a spindly, awkward young blond boy, sleeps open-mouthedly in a puddle of his own drool. He is cocooned in several blankets like a sweet baby angel, if sweet baby angels lived inside burritos. He is awakened by his mother, JENNY TROUT, who takes particular delight in this morning ritual.

Jenny kicks the door open.

JENNY
Wake up, Assbutt! The Cubs won the World Series!

TEENAGER
[groggily]
What?

JENNY
The Cubs won the World Series. For the first time in a hundred and eight years.

TEENAGER
What is that?

JENNY
The Cubs? The Chicago Cubs?

TEENAGER
What the fuck is a Chicago cup?

JENNY
Not the cup, the World Series.

TEENAGER
No, you said Chicago cup.

JENNY
The Chicago Cubs.

TEENAGER
What time is it?

JENNY
It’s a big deal. It’s been a hundred and eight years, dude. Everybody is psyched.

TEENAGER
I don’t even know what a Chicago cup is!

JENNY
It’s baseball! The Chicago Cubs are a baseball team.

TEENAGER
[angrily]
Good for them!

JENNY
Wait, do you seriously not know what the World Series is?

TEENAGER
No. I seriously do not care.

JENNY
Oh. Well, it’s time to get up. And something stinks in here.

FADE OUT.

THE END

Congratulations to all my Cubs fan friends out there! Hollywood couldn’t have written a better, more dramatic ball game than the curse-breaker you got last night.

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6 Comments

  1. I won a bet against my dad last night because of them – I told dad that what they were aiming for (indirectly or otherwise) was to make the biggest splash. What’s a bigger splash then coming from behind, breaking a curse and winning as spectacularly as they did? Best. Gamble. Ever.

    November 3, 2016
    |Reply
  2. Awwww, that’s a great scene. XD Does you daughter know about the World Series?

    November 3, 2016
    |Reply
  3. H
    H

    ASSBUTT OH MY GOD YES HAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAA I’M CRYINNNGGGG

    November 3, 2016
    |Reply
  4. drmaggiemoreau
    drmaggiemoreau

    Oh my GOD. Back To The Future II was RIGHT. They were only off by a year! I need that sports almanac.

    November 4, 2016
    |Reply
    • Mel
      Mel

      Man I was thinking roughly the same thing when I heard about them getting to the final game of the World Series. I’m an Australian so I don’t know the vernacular concerning baseball but yeah, the first thing I thought was, “I wish I could go back and put some money on the cubbies”, LOL. That almanac would be priceless if it were real. 2016 might have been a shitty year otherwise – what with David Bowie, Prince and Gene Wilder dying (among others) but it’s been pretty bloody good for sport. The Bulldogs in Australian Rules footy won the grand final after 62 years – which makes my Collingwood’s 32 year drought look like nothing.

      November 4, 2016
      |Reply
  5. ViolettaD
    ViolettaD

    I didn’t dare watch. Last game I watched was the infamous Steve Bartman game, and they were doing fine until I turned on the TV. When I was in grad school at Ohio State, every time I hit the bathroom, our team scored, so during that infamous double overtime, my friends turned to me and TOLD me to go to the bathroom.

    Born at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago, older brother was born at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago, Dad was born at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago–my mom even WORKED at Michael Reese Hospital in Chicago. But I didn’t dare watch the game. I hope the world appreciates my sacrifice.

    November 7, 2016
    |Reply

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