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Jealous Haters Book Club: Handbook For Mortals Chapter 9, Temperance, or “I’m sorry that people are jealous of me…but I can’t help it that I’m popular.”

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We begin this week with Lani Sarem making some bold accusations against Angie Thomas, #1 New York Times bestselling author of The Hate U Give.

It started in a Facebook group called Indie Author Support, where Sarem made this post:

A screenshot of a FB post. The text will be included below.

For those who can’t read the image:

Okay so here it goes…My name is Lani Sarem. You may have heard of me. I wrote a book called Handbook for Mortals. It premiered #1 on the New York Times Bestseller list and then I subsequently became the only person (and the book became the only book) to ever get kicked off the list. Mostly it was due to a lot of people misunderstanding about what actually happened. I was pre-selling the book at comic cons and doing well. I had some help, my friend who is a famous actor is helping turn it into a movie and he was helping promote it at the comic cons. These cons get 40,000-120,000 people each over a weekend and a lot of the people come to meet the celebrities that are there. While meeting with the celebrities they alway ask…So you got anything new coming out? My friend Thomas (he starred in all the American Pie movies and Rookie of the Year) etc would point to our project and we would offer to sell them the book. It actually made it pretty easy to sell the book. I wanted to make my sales count though cause sales that happen outside of a bookstore (and some that happen in a bookstore that doesn’t report) don’t count. It’s hard enough to get sales…they should all count. At least that’s my opinion. Anyway, I got accused of a lot of things that aren’t true and as an indie author really got pushed around cause I didn’t have a big publisher or agent to fight for me. I was wondering in a group like this…Does it frustrate you that your sales don’t count everywhere? The music industry has way to count them no matter where they happen. I’m also happy to answer any other questions you may have as to what happened to me so ask away…Sorry for the long-winded post as well.

As you can see, she continues to beat a horse that died back in August. The story still doesn’t make a lot of sense. Her “famous actor” friend isn’t famous. Booksellers have stated it would be unlikely for established, mega-famous authors like Neil Gaiman or George R.R. Martin to sell twenty-thousand copies at a single convention. She’s still lying, but now the lie is, “Yes, I scammed, but I scammed for justice!” and she’s trying to rally other authors in her defense.

Unfortunately, at least a few people took the bait:

A text post screen shot. Text below.

The first comment in this thread, from Jesse James Durdel, sounds like the kind of leading question someone would plant:

For one, most of us here have only heard one side of the story, and it’s not your side at all. Do you suspect someone got jealous and started calling attention to the con sales as a way to besmirch your name in the media?

The key phrase is the “one side of the story” here. I have no proof that JJD knows Lani personally, but I’m a blogger, not a journalist, so I can make whatever wild leaps I’d like, right? I’m going to say that JJD probably is one of Lani’s friends and planted this question to give her the opportunity for this answer:

I can tell you the person that started it was friends with the author and the agent of the book that moved to second on the list and when I was removed the agent took out the two people that started it and toasted about it [winking smiley]

Record scratch. Here we have Lani Sarem accusing Angie Thomas and her agent of deliberately sinking Handbook For Mortals in a fit of jealous panic. After all, doesn’t Angie Thomas, whose book was #1 on the NYT list for most of 2017, has been nominated for multiple awards, was named one of Oprah’s “Favorite Things”, has been adapted for a wildly anticipated film by an acclaimed director, and who has met President Obama, have a reason to feel threatened by Lani Sarem’s successes? I mean, Lani is friends with the guy who jizzed in a beer in American Pie. Who wouldn’t envy that?

Thomas, who until now hasn’t addressed the controversy directly, had this to say in response:

I highly recommend the entire thread, because after having been accused of jealousy toward Sarem more than once, Thomas has earned the right to hold Sarem accountable for her words. But Sarem will never allow herself to be held accountable:

 

Her “I never said your name…” is tantamount to “I’m not touching you! I’m not touching you!” between siblings in the back of their parents’ car.

There was no need to check the Twitter feed, however, as Brooks Sherman is completely uninvested in pretending to give a shit about Lani Sarem:

 

Having had her ass severely handed to her on Twitter, Sarem stepped out of the conversation. I guess she will never get the chance to tell her side of the story. You know, apart from the op-eds she wrote for Rolling Stone and The Huffington Post. Or the feature Vulture did on her. Or at the many Q and A’s she’s done at conventions and book signings. If only there were some way for this plucky young literary star of tomorrow, who’s been so unfairly maligned by the press, readers and evil, jealous, actually successful authors and their mean-spirited, hard-drinking agents, to tell her side of the story…

For example, a “How I Navigated The NYT Bestseller List” seminar that’ll run you $75.

The book industry is a mess. I didn’t realize how much until I put out my first novel and officially became the only person to ever get kicked off the New York Times bestseller list. Feel free to read the 769 articles that were written about me in the 9 days after I got kicked off. Not one reporter wrote what really happened, but I’ll tell you in person. I can help you navigate the book industry and the pitfalls and make sure you give making it your best shot.

Lani. Lani, Lani, Lani. The book industry is not a mess. Well, it is a mess, but not because of the way you were treated in the wake of your ham-fisted con falling through. You, my non-friend, are the mess. And now you want people to pay seventy-five bucks to hear “what really happened” and learn how to…what? Scam the list and get caught?

Successful, knowledgeable people should teach others how to do things. You’re not successful or knowledgeable. You’re an unlikeable, unwelcome hack who is only succeeding at slamming doors in your own face. Nobody wants to learn how to do that. If anything, you should be peddling yourself as a cautionary tale.

But of course, there’s always going to be someone in your corner, as evidenced by the last screenshot, where Richard Morgan said:

Dig into the articles and you’ll see there was a whole campaign against her and without anyone having read the damned book.

Well, Dick, I suppose that might be somewhat relevant if the entire “campaign” against her wasn’t based on her actions alone and not the quality of the book, but we agree on one thing: Handbook For Mortals is certainly damned.

On to the recap!

This entire chapter is written in italics, which, let me tell you, is a treat for a dyslexic. And while this entire chapter is mostly Zani free, there are eleven characters named in the first paragraph:

Tad, Mac, Cam, and Riley, along with Jackson and the whole band (Tom, Tim, Mike, Dave, and De’Mar)–and an audio tech named Drew–were all standing around the stage dealing with some work issues.

At least she managed to get De’Mar Hamilton’s name right in this chapter.

Drew had always gotten along with everyone and all in all was a decent guy. He was about as vanilla looking as someone can get, with brown hair and brown eyes. He led a pretty average existence overall, and no one ever had any problems with him.

Damn. This is like when that creepy kid told Mena Suvari’s character in American Beauty that she was boring and normal and ordinary.

The other guys tended to pick on Drew, though, because he was an easy target in a theater full of more-talented, more-experienced, and better-looking people, who all led far more exciting lives.

God damn, Lani Sarem, did a guy named Drew run over your fucking dog or something?

Even so, Drew always seemed to be pretty content and–compared to anyone from the small town in Iowa he was from–he was leading the best life by far.

Holy shit. Drew is Superman. He’s cleverly hiding in Las Vegas. And nobody would ever guess because he’s working with a guy named Clark Kent. It’s the perfect cover.

You might be wondering why we’re hearing so much information about Drew again. After all, we’ve already heard that he’s well-liked, as evidenced by how many people attended his birthday party. You may be thinking, “Well, with this level of detail, Drew must be a major character.” If so, how long have you been here? You know he’s not. In fact, he disappears from the book entirely after this chapter. But he serves a very important function to the story, as you will see.

“Drew, we need to have a rehearsal before the show rehearsal tomorrow,” Tom demanded. He had a way though of not sounding demanding, even when he was being that way. “We’ve gotta work this new song into part of the show,” he added, explaining why he was asking.

Some of you have wondered in the comments if this was a NaNoWriMo draft, which would explain the repetition of descriptions and actions and all the needless extras. So far, there’s been no evidence that it was. But the way she repeats and over-explains, it would have hit 50k on day two.

Lucky, lucky us.

Speaking of needless detail, this not-demanding-demand he demanded not-demandingly results in a conversation about whether or not they can have a pre-rehearsal tech rehearsal, including overtime concerns. I would include an excerpt here but it’s so thrilling that my insurance won’t cover it if you fall off the edges of your seats.

Mac turned to Drew. “Drew, Sofie was saying something about getting shocked by her handheld. You know anything about that?”

Drew’s face flushed and he frowned. “Man, there ain’t nothing wrong with her mic. I’m sure she just wants some more attention…or another new mic.”

“See, reader?” Lani Sarem’s writer brain gloats. “The avatar of every girl who’s ever been more successful than me is so terrible, even Superman hates her!”

As I said up top, Zani isn’t really present in this chapter, except when she’s off in the distance. Don’t be too disappointed, though; we still get to hear about how hot and special she is:

Zade walked by on her way to the main stage, moving too quickly to notice the group of men who had all stopped to stare at her.

and:

“God, that girl is beautiful. It’s beyond that, there is something unique and special about her.” Drew said, nudging Mac with his elbow. “Wonder what my chances are. Is she dating anyone?”

So, this whole “Every man wants Zoltar” thing is really starting to get pathetic. Someone may have mentioned this in the comments and planted the seed in my head, but I’m thinking of other female characters who have magnetically powerful sexual charisma for one reason or another. In Laurell K. Hamilton’s first Merry Gentry book, there’s a potion that makes people crazed with lust. When some gets spilled on Merry, she goes berserk and almost has sex with a police officer at the station. The potion is regarded as incredibly dangerous, and from what I remember, the entire plot of the book revolves around trying to find out who has let it get out and who’s using it for nefarious purposes. Unlike in the Anita Blake series, where Anita’s sexually magnetic curse, the Ardeur, is stated to be a negative thing while really just being an excuse for Hamilton’s self-insert to surround herself with a harem of vampires and were-creatures, in that first Merry Gentry book it’s very much considered dangerous and a violation of consent. In the television show Misfits, the character Alisha gets the “superpower” of turning any man she touches into a crazed rapist set on violating her, seemingly dooming her to a life without any consensual relationships. Again, this is portrayed as a bad thing. There are so many supernatural and sci-fi television shows that feature some variation on how bad this is, from Xander’s love spell in Buffy The Vampire Slayer to Rick’s Cronenberg experiment in Rick And Morty. Having everyone be automatically attracted to you is not good.

But that’s the world Lani Sarem has created for her utterly transparent self-insert in the story she wrote to reflect a perfect version of her world. All snark aside, that’s very sad.

Anyway, Mac doesn’t like Drew asking about Zelda because he’s still trying to figure out his feelings for her:

No matter how much he saw her at work (and out of work) he never seemed to tire of her at all.

Really? ‘Cause she exhausts the hell out of me.

The one thing Mac and Zade were sure of was that they had an unspoken rule that they really didn’t talk about all the time they were spending together with anyone at the show.

You know what I’m not sure of? What the hell is going on in that sentence.

To Drew, the question had been completely random but it didn’t feel that way at the moment to Mac. You know that bible verse: “The wicked flee when no man pursueth.” In other words when you are guilty you think other people know–even when they don’t. Mac was definitely getting defensive for no actual reason.

I’m not sure why we had to drag God and the bible into this, but at least she credited the source.

Mac tells Drew that it’s possible Lanzo keeps her private life to herself, but Drew insists that if a woman is into someone, she just can’t help but blab about it. Obviously, he’s not aware that Latti ZuPone is Not Like Other Girls™.

“Wow, Drew, I didn’t know you were an expert on females,” Mac said sarcastically.

Females? Swoon.

No one was really paying attention to the awkward conversation except for Jackson, and maybe Tad, who kept looking up from time to time at Mac and Drew.

What’s with the “maybe”? We’re in third person omniscient here. Keyword: omniscient. There’s really no room for ambiguity vis-a-vis what characters are or are not doing.

Drew protests that he could be Zippy’s type, but the other guys–because obviously grown men stand around at work and chat about who their crushes are–tease him. After one particularly cutting remark about who has “game” and who does not, Jackson says:

“That was harsh,” Jackson said.

And hand to God, all I could think of was:

Cher from Clueless saying, "That was way harsh, Tai."

 

Mac had realized during the banter that he could redirect the attention to Jackson and find out how far things had gone with Zade and him without having to actually ask himself.

Because if any of them communicated directly, the romance element wouldn’t be fraught with needless drama and the entire book would collapse like a house of cards.

That was another thing Zade and Mac didn’t discuss: how much time Zade spent–and what Zade did–with Jackson. Mac knew if he gave her a hard time about it, she’d probably demand to define their relationship, which was something he wasn’t ready to do. Despite how much he knew he liked her.

With all these unspoken rules about what they will or won’t talk about, my assumption is that the bulk of Mac and Ziggy’s relationship is spent just staring wordlessly at each other.

Hey, remember how Mac’s heart got broken because he dated a performer and she strung him along? Isn’t that kind of what Mac’s doing to Lassie? He wants to keep her tied up for his use, but he’s not willing to actually commit to her?

“Yeah, I’ve been testing the waters a little. I’d definitely go swimming in that ocean.” Jackson grinned wide and nodded, making his position very clear.

God, even the euphemisms in this book are terrible. What kind of sex does Jackson have if it’s like swimming? Does he just flop around on top of you with his arms windmilling like he’s doing a dry-land butterfly stroke?

Mac asks if Jackson actually has swam the Zenglish Channel, but that’s a negatory because obviously, girls who would have sex with more than one guy are hoebags and sleezy skanks, and Zim is Not Like Other Girls™.

“Nah. She is quite a catch, but we’re keeping it light. She’s the kind you want to marry, not just use to get laid. Not sure if I’m ready to give up my freedom just yet, but she’d be the girl to do it for, that’s for sure,” Jackson surmised.

The fact that Jackson believes there are women out there who are okay for him to slake his animal lust upon without consideration of her feelings is pretty much a big, flashing neon red-flag. And on that red flag are the words, “I’M THE MOST BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG”. We know that Lydia is going to still be over the moon for her, and in any other story, I would think to myself, “Oh no. Poor Zydeco. She’s going to fall for this guy and it’s going to be like Julia picking Glen over Robbie in The Wedding Singer, but in this book? I’m laying my bets now that this isn’t meant to show us Jackson’s true character and what a terrible guy he is, but another chance to show how valuable a specimen of pure femininity Zatanna is.

What makes it even more difficult to tell if this is supposed to villanize Jackson or deify Linda is that Mac doesn’t think it’s a gross thing to say at all. He agrees with him.

“Yeah,” Mac affirmed, in a daze. He was processing what Jackson had said just as much as Jackon was: Zade was the kind of girl you marry.

Well, I guess we got our answer, didn’t we? It’s the market value of Lazlo’s precious womb that we’re talking about here.

Mac has had about enough of this tom foolery, so he’s like, back to work, doors are going to be open soon. And for some reason, Sarem decides this is a good place to try her hand at comedy writing.

SPOILER: She’s bad at it:

Tom commented: “You know I always feel like there is some joke there.”

(There isn’t, but it won’t stop her.)

“You know that doors being a saying about opening the doors to let patrons come in to see the show, and the fact that the theatre also gets called ‘the house’ and there is a band called the Doors and. . .”

How do you get this lost telling a joke? The house and the door go together, but what does it have to do with The Doors?

Mac shook his head. “And you live in a van down by the river? Kid, I have no idea what you are talking about.”

What a timely reference from twenty-four years ago. And the fact that it’s been introduced apropos of nothing in the style of lazy ’00s era “random” Fanfiction.net humor isn’t indicative of the author’s overestimation of her comedy skills at all.

“Yeah, I know. Like I said, I haven’t figured it out, yet. But there is a joke there.”

 

The exasperated manager from Elf saying, "No, there's not."

 

After everyone goes off to do their own things, Jackson approaches Mac and tells him that it’s cool if he asks Zumba out:

“[…] She’s still fair game, and I like a challenge. […]”

Every girl wants guys to talk about her like she’s a prize to fight for and not a human being deserving of a relationship that’s not a fucking contest.

Mac says Drew sounds like he’s going to ask her out and Jackson says:

“I said I lik a challenge, not a massacre,” Jackson laughed.

Again, I’m not sure if Jackson’s over-confidence is supposed to be interpreted as Gaston-esque or “sexy bad boy any woman would want to pursue her.”

Mac reminds Jackson that he doesn’t date performers and even goes so far to say that Lou isn’t his type, but Jackson blows that off because Lindsay is everyone’s type.

Then it’s off to the EDR for yet another explanation that the acronym stands for Employee Dining Room, and a description of how the place is set up and how repetitive the food is and how people felt about free food as a perk of the job even when it’s not great food, etc. You know, all the really important details.

Mac and Tad had already been through the line and piled everything that looked edible on their plates as they made their way to a table in the corner, away from prying ears.

How does one fuck up such a common colloquialism?

They were both slightly hunched over the table eating, their hands wrapped around the forks and treating them more like shovels than utentensils,

Two cavemen walk into a bar.

when Tad wasted no time asking Mac why he had gotten so weird and defensive with Drew.

They walked to the EDR together, went through the line together, got a table and had already started eating before he asked him, so I’m not sure “wasted no time” applies here.

Actually, no, I’m certain it doesn’t apply here. But there I go again, expecting too much from this book.

Mac tells Tad all about what’s going on and warns him not to tell anyone because he and Zoylent Leen are keeping things private for now. Tad points out that if that’s the case, Mac can’t run around getting all weird about guys wanting to ask her out.

Tad started laughing as a thought hit him. “Ha! I called it! Don’t forget that. But I’m glad. After all, it’s about time you spent some time with someone pretty, besides me. […]”

What is it with all the men in this book either describing themselves as pretty or being described as pretty? I’m not saying that the word must remain strictly gendered or that guys never use the word to describe themselves, but why is it happening so often? Is this more of Sarem thinking she’s absolutely hilarious?

Tad tells Mac to be careful trying to keep things secret because the show is a rumor mill and there are already things being said about Zarla. But who would ever spread malicious gossip about her?

Tad rolled his eyes. “Just friggin’ Sofie. She’s basically pissed Zade knocked her off her high horse–and sleeping with C.S. isn’t getting her the part back or her star spot on the billboard.”

She didn’t get knocked off her high horse. She got knocked off her pedestal. Plus, are we learning that Sofie was on the billboard for the show? But now Lee is on it? Is there a single billboard for a major show in Vegas right now that’s advertising unknown side performers, or are we learning that Zoobie is famous enough that David Copperfield is willing to share a billboard with her? I would have thought there would have been a scene where the billboard was unveiled and Lilly Zane spilled her coffee all over Sofphiea and lots of paparazzi took pictures.

“Well, that’s not a surprise. Most people in this place have nothing better to do than to worry about everyone else, especially Sofia,” Mac said, disgruntled.

“Yeah. Definitely. One thing’s for sure–she really hates Zade.”

Same.

Tad rolled his eyes and frowned, he didn’t understand why Sofia couldn’t just be a better person. It really wouldn’t be that hard, he thought to himself.

I don’t understand why the author doesn’t know the difference between a comma and a period, but whatever.

“You think she could be nicer to the girl that saved her life,” Mac asserted, annoyed by Sofia’s lack of ability to care about anything but herself.

DON’T YOU JUST HATE SOFIA?

“You’re saying that like Sofie could act like a regular human being,” Tad interjected with a smirk.

Mac nodded and remarked, “Yeah, well. One can always hope.”

And that’s the end of the chapter.

“Wait, Jenny!” you cry. “That can’t be the end of the chapter because that would mean that you just wasted precious hours of your life reading and recapping a scene that didn’t advance the narrative at all, and which only existed to reinforce how sexy and attractive all the male characters find the heroine and loathe the other female character!”

“Yes,” I whisper with a desperate laugh, a sound that indicates I’ve long ago forgotten what hope feels like. “Yes, that’s exactly what it means.”

110 Comments

  1. Zoylent Leen is my new favorite.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  2. Jaycie
    Jaycie

    I remember that moment on Cleolinda’s blog where she pointed out how much of a girly fantasy it was to have Jacob and Edward discuss their mutual hopeless love for Bella while she wasn’t listening. Lani has kicked it up a notch by not only adding more guys to the scene, but also having them intertwine their discussion of their mutual love for Zoodle with a discussion of their mutual contempt for Szczowfphghee. While she wasn’t listening. For an entire chapter.

    There are Trumps who are less self-absorbed than Lani.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Lara
      Lara

      Slow clap for the entire comment

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
    • Vivacia K. Ahwen
      Vivacia K. Ahwen

      I miss Cleolinda Jones!

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  3. Fer
    Fer

    I just have a question and one question alone…

    why they even have a job if working is the last thing they do? And is not a guess, one can see here that they are not working at all. Really, even without Larva, they care more for who fucks who that do their job.

    Now that I mention that, probably the “accident” in chapter 3 or 4 was because of that.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Amy
      Amy

      That’s a good point. These people are on a schedule, so they don’t have time to sit around and gossip about who is dating who. Even more, why is someone’s love life so intriguing that it requires ELEVEN men to talk about it?? You know what type of conversations a group of white men usually have? Politics, sports, and news.

      Even more, if I knew a group of men suddenly start having conversations like this about me, I’d get scared. I, the lone woman surrounded by a bunch of guys cracking jokes about who I sleep with are NOT people I want to be around.

      easily the ugliest chapter.

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
      • Elyssa
        Elyssa

        Right?! Like, I work with almost all men (engineers, man). I’ve heard more conversations about sports in the last six months than I have in possibly my entire life. There’s one guy I work with and we ONLY talk about baseball (it’s the only sport I like, and our teams are natural enemies). That’s it. Just baseball. For six months.

        We sit in cubicles so half the time they don’t realize I’m there, and I hear everything they say. It’s sports, politics, more sports, and work their doing on their houses/vehicles.

        December 12, 2017
        |Reply
    • Cris
      Cris

      I agree, even in the first paragraph you could see it. They weren’t working, they “were dealing with some work issues”; which by the way we never really learn about because Zathura is always more important than anything else as far as this godforsaken collection of literal word-vomit is concerned.

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
      • Agent_Z
        Agent_Z

        And when you think about it, it actually is a pretty good alternate interpretation for why Sofia is the way she is. If you were surrounded by a bunch of idiotic slackers who spend more time gossiping about whatever chick they’d like to bone and showed zero concern for your well being (remember their nonchalance to Sofia almost drowning?) would you be so friendly?

        Man, it’s amazing how much easier it is to paint the villains of this show as more sympathetic than the heroes. This type of nonsense is supposed to only be found in fanfic.

        December 3, 2017
        |Reply
        • Amy
          Amy

          Good point. When that platform started moving, I thought it would be later revealed as a poltergeist or something. But no, Lani really had no plans for it beyond showing off how much of a badass Zaz is.

          And then you have your own boyfriend and boss not giving two shits about you. All these professional men not caring if you were maimed or not.

          Maybe in that moment where sofia “pushed zade away” it’s because sofia had a moment of clarity, realizing her emotions have been manipulated by zazu, and she’s trying to get a hold of herself and save the others before zazu’s powers take over again.

          December 4, 2017
          |Reply
          • Agent_Z
            Agent_Z

            It just occurred to me that the nonchalance towards Sofia almost dying might have been a side effect of Zaphod’s powers messing with people’s heads.

            December 4, 2017
  4. Cheshire
    Cheshire

    I bet Drew is the name of the casting director who gave all the roles Lani auditioned for to other girls because they were more talented, experienced, and better looking.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  5. Jellyfish
    Jellyfish

    I mean, there’s “girly fantasy” like having two handsome guys into you and talking about you, and then there’s “the creepy fantasy of having literally every man alive be into you, and also all other women are terrible and we hates them, preciousss”. I also remember, like, SOME other things happening in Twilight? Handbook for Mortals would be so much less annoying (even at the current writing level) if it was bad fiction where Zibby was having giant magic battles on the roof of a casino or something. But why have a witch shooting firebolts out of her hands when she could be passively wandering by a bunch of men discussing “swimming in that ocean”?. Ew. Also, juuuuust leaving this here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wmy9CTn6xMs

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Jane Eyre
      Jane Eyre

      Exactly, like Twilight was a romance but Bella did worry about other things and other people, I mean in the first book she went to confront James bc she thought he had her mother, and when he and later Victoria were after her she did worry about that too. And she worried about other people than just Edward and Jacob and who to choose, for most of the action with the newborn vampires she was scared for her friends and for the entire werewolf pack and for Forks, like she was a blank slate but for goodness sake Mayer still had enough decency to give her more relationships and have her care about other stuff than just who to choose.

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
  6. The Inconstant Gardener
    The Inconstant Gardener

    My husband can mess up common colloquialisms, but then again he doesn’t write terrible prose or scam his way on to bestseller lists so I’m pretty ok with that.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  7. I love when Lani Sarem proves that she’s a horrible person because it means I feel less guilty about mocking her magnum opus mercilessly. But holy shit, why is she still throwing a tantrum about the NYT thing? Who does that?

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        That could change pretty drastically, given Flynn’s plea-bargain.

        December 1, 2017
        |Reply
        • Sunniegreen
          Sunniegreen

          From your mouth to God’s ears.
          Or whoever.
          Please.
          Someone help.

          December 3, 2017
          |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      I genuinely think Lani Sarem just wanted attention and false validation. I doubt that private community of mostly self-published authors could get her movie deal for her, so what else is there but some attempt to boost her self-esteem more? I think that’s why she’s giving out interviews too. But wow, she’s actually charging money to hear nothing useful? I pity anyone who actually pays her that $75.

      (Also, sorry I haven’t responded to your comment on your blog yet! I’ve been busy.) XD

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  8. Amy
    Amy

    My lord, the misogynism in this chapter kicked it up about twenty notches. I thought Jackson was supposed to be our “soft boy” character, but he’s just as crude as the rest of them. This is easily the ugliest chapter so far.

    …are there only TWO single women these guys can talk about??????

    and lani, whatever. say what you will- your book sucks, you movie will suck, and angie thomas will go on to have a long successful career while your movie gets panned by youtube reviewers who have more fame, fans, and talent than you.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Yeah it’s not like Las Vegas is crawling with pretty single women…oh wait…

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
  9. The CRB
    The CRB

    I’ve lost count . How many chapters now have consisted of men standing around , discussing how special and beautiful Zade is ?

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • It’s honestly just … sad. Entire chapters devoted to people talking about how attractive they find the author’s obvious self-insert character. Like, what even happened to her that she needs to boost her self-esteem THAT badly?

      At this rate we’re going to have to rename the “Mary Sue” because she’s out-marysueing Mary Sue.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        Since so many Adolescent Geekhood Survivors become quite successful in arts and media, I’m going to guess that she’s the sort of person who ENJOYED middle school. She even pulled the occasional Galinda, kindly offering to make less popular girls her “little project.”

        It has all been downhill for her ever since.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • Dove
          Dove

          Yeah, I’m betting she was always the popular girl in school and then when she graduated, she realized what an unskilled and talentless person she was. But instead of trying to improve herself, Lani Sarem cultivated a privileged, victimized persona and blamed everyone else for her lack of success. She preens herself while hanging onto the coattails of others, telling herself that she can find her own way and cut corners that make her smarter than everyone else. It’s downright sad. I could be wrong, of course, but that’s what her behavior suggests to me.

          I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s been praised all her life, especially by her family, for everything that she’s ever done. Then she never gained enough critical analysis or concern for such that she can properly assess her own failures. I’m sure she only surrounds herself by Yes Men.

          December 3, 2017
          |Reply
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            Warning and apologies: VERY long post:

            Problem is, she was popular in MIDDLE school.

            Girls who are popular in high school find out soon enough real life isn’t like that. Some times they grow, and sometimes they stay stuck, yearning for the Glory Days. But they know they HAD the glory days once.

            Girls who did alright as kids but suddenly become outcasts as teens, if they are fortunate enough to have someone to warn them that adolescence blows, will have some perspective. It wasn’t always like this; it need not always be like this. If they can ride it out, they generally do well enough in college or professional life.

            Girls who were miserable all through school move away and form a garage band or work in anime.

            The girls who peaked in middle school, however, forever bear a grudge against the universe for letting them taste power and then snatching it away so early. Their prime involved not dazzling the guys and winning the envy of the girls at the prom or cheerleading, but bossing around other kids, with the tacit approval of lazy adults who believe in peer pressure. They thrive on Group Work, painting posters for the school dance, supervising the techies in the school play–all things that allow them to give orders to other people without possessing a speck of the creativity required to do a solo project, play the music at the dance, or design costumes or sets for the school play. Adults praise them for being Mature and Responsible, but the kids they try to Help with “your Uncooperative Attitude” are secretly seething.

            In high school, that secret resentment comes back to bite them. The outcasts have banded together and got into gaming or alt-rock or whatever, rather than be coached on Fitting In by second-rung used-to-be’s like Galinda. The jocks want the cheerleaders, the bad boys want the bad girls, and the only dates Galinda gets are arranged by the mothers of Nice Boys who should get to know her because she’s a Nice Girl (They secretly can’t stand her either.) Meanwhile, the girls REALLY at the top never took her Self-Righteous crap seriously in the first place.

            So there she is in high school, already sinking back into the primordial ooze from whence she came. It will never be so good again for her, unless she goes into Human Resources and can psychologically bully people who are desperate for jobs she could never do, or elementary education, so she can “Help” kids who don’t know any better.

            No wonder she’s still wondering where the MagicK went–decades later.

            December 3, 2017
          • Michael
            Michael

            That’s “Glinda,” not “Galinda.” (Sorry for nitpicking, but that kind of thing bugs me all day unless I point it out.)

            December 10, 2017
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            Galinda is the spelling in the novel and musical “Wicked,” which contains the song “Popular,” which is what I was referencing in the previous post.
            If you’re not familiar with it, look on YouTube or find the lyrics. You’ll understand why it’s relevant here.

            December 10, 2017
  10. Oatmeals
    Oatmeals

    I don’t know if it’s been out there yet, but you should totally use Zanastasia Rose Leele or Zenesme Lullen.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  11. RodeoBob
    RodeoBob

    Not a writer, not published, not in the scene, but it sounds really weird when Lani says “Does it frustrate you that your sales don’t count everywhere?”

    Because, well, if you sold a book, that means you got money for it, and last time I checked, money counts! If I wrote a book, and sold 20,000 copies of it by going to conventions, I might not be on the NYT bestseller list, but I could probably cry myself to sleep at night on a big pillow stuffed with other people’s money.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Drea C
      Drea C

      This is just more proof that she values recognition, not money. She’s probably well-off, considering that she’s mooching off semi-famous people. Also, there’s no way she made that kind of sell at conventions. Where are her huge legions of fans? Where are ship-wars over Mac vs Whoever-the-other-one is on tumblr?

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • Amy
        Amy

        So far the only “fans” I’ve seen are people who are upset that people are “bullying” her. If there are legit fans, they’re not going to stick around long enough to make ship names.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
      • Carla
        Carla

        The lack of a fandom is a good point. Out of curiosity I did a search on Tumblr since even niche stuff can get a following there. But nope, there weren’t even many hits, and the posts that were there were all either about the publishing scandal or My Immortal.

        December 4, 2017
        |Reply
        • Jane Eyre
          Jane Eyre

          Yeah, like even small niche things tend to have SOME content if they have a fandom, there is always SOMETHING…and as Drea pointed out if the sales went as good as Zani tells us then there DEFINITELY would be a fandom with gifsets, casts, arts ect and given it’s been 3 months I’d say there is little chance it will pick up. Fandoms in my expirience start up pretty early into things.

          December 5, 2017
          |Reply
  12. Amy
    Amy

    I just wanna say…

    “Dig into the articles and you’ll see there was a whole campaign against her and without anyone having read the damned book.”

    That’s because when the book came out as #1, it literally COULD NOT be found in ANY bookstore in America! It was even available online yet! Even now you cannot find the book in any store, you have to order online. Besides, a LOT of people judge books within the first sentences! That’s why writers are taught to intrigue the reader the moment they open the page! Even if I didn’t know about the controversy, I wouldn’t have wasted my time going through pages of “sometimes the grass is just astro-turf” mumbo-jumbo pretentious bull. I would have put the book down and gone to something better.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Jane Eyre
      Jane Eyre

      Same, also content matters too, people read the recaps/summaries on the backs and when they are not interesting they put it away.

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
    • Jane Eyre
      Jane Eyre

      2nd cuz I forgot…and her giving out the whole plot to the book in summary not only is too long to be one, and I’d get bored reading it, it…well GIVES AWAY THE PLOT, why would I read the thing if I already know everything? Like ok, when you read full recap or summary of something(tho for me it goes more for movies) you might want to go for the whole thing, see how it’s executed by the author. Not in this case

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
  13. Noel
    Noel

    Anyone else having a hard time believing Lani Sarem is really thirty-something? This is /exactly/ like every self-insert fanfic I wrote on FF.net when I was, like, twelve.

    Not trying to rag on kids for having Mary Sue self-inserts or anything, but you’d think an actual adult would have outgrown it by now.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Amy
      Amy

      I personally don’t mind if adults do self-inserts- because hey, we sometimes want to see ourselves as the hero, but Lani really takes it to the next level.

      Zade can’t have one love interest, she has to have two, including every male character she comes across. Everyone must sing her praises.
      Zade can’t be one of many female characters, she has to be *the* female character, outranking every other woman in everything.
      Lani can’t write a character who has features like her favorite celebrity, nope, her favorite celebrities are literally characters in the book and they’re all in love with her as well, even if they’re married.
      Zade can’t be just attractive, she has to be so goddamn beautiful people will literally stop what they’re doing to talk about how hot she is.
      Zade can’t be just be the star of the show, but the focus on every conversation everyone will ever have, because fuck personal problems and agency.
      Zade can’t be just a talented witch, no, she has to be the prophesized chosen one.
      The songs played in the book aren’t random coincidences, no, they were specifically chosen for Zade, written by her favorite band, the Plain White Ts.

      Remember, Zade is not like other girls. And when you’re better than that SLUT Sofia, who cares if the plot falls sideways?

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
    • Mike
      Mike

      Self-inserts CAN be well done. I’m working on something (not for a book, but still) that’s sort of a self-insert, and I’m in my 30’s. But the entire point of my plot is about self-insert fantasies. Exploring escaping from reality by creating your own fantasy and dwelling in that to make yourself feel better about how little control you have over your real world. And as Amy said, there’s nothing wrong with people who want to be the hero in their own story. It’s just handled so goddamn poorly in Sarem’s ‘world’.

      This is less self-insert fantasy and more just personal wish fulfillment fantasy that other people can’t insert themselves into. So this story is JUST for her. Since other people in the comments keep bringing it up, the Twilight books are actually a decent counter to this, whether you enjoy them or not. Meyer created a fantasy that SHE wanted, and Bella is definitely her avatar in the story, but she still INTENTIONALLY made her generic enough that the reader could still insert THEMSELVES into the story too. Where as Sarem has created a heroine that is far too specific, and could only possibly apply to herself and maybe like, 3 other people. It’s the difference between most of One Direction’s songs where they sing about a generic girl they like and The Best Song Ever, where they talk about a dentists daughter named Georgia Rose. One you can insert yourself into, another, it’s pretty damn clear it’s not about you.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Writing fiction is a skill. Learning how to create good characters is also a skill. If someone has very little experience, it doesn’t matter how old they are. She could be eighty years old and write the same terrible stuff. She could’ve started with something more creative but it would’ve had the same amateur pitfalls.

      That said, Lani Sarem seems to be very immature and that also has nothing to do with age. You’d assume someone would learn better as they got older, but it’s not a given. People have to be taught politeness and responsibility before they start acting that way and they also have to take these lessons to heart. If someone doesn’t care, they’ll remain an asshole. Lani Sarem didn’t put in any effort and this was probably her first book ever, so of course, it’s garbage. She also hasn’t put any true effort into her PR. This is what happens when people never accept criticism and never try to improve on anything in their life.

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  14. Cris
    Cris

    “You know that doors being a saying about opening the doors to let patrons come in to see the show, and the fact that the theatre also gets called ‘the house’ and there is a band called the Doors and. . .”

    What. In. The. Fresh. Hell. Is. This. I’ve said more coherent sentences drunk. Does Leesburg know there is a difference between telling a joke and babbling? It wouldn’t seem like it from this atrocity. And I thought I struggled with comedy, good God. Then again, Loni’s only redeeming quality is that her shitty writing makes anyone feel more confident in theirs.
    Also, Lunacy is such a misogynist I wonder what she thinks about the women in her family, not to mention her friends. I’d bet a thousand dollars she’s that passive-agressive eternally jealous frenemy everyone has at one point in their lives.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • She’s 100% that girl who doesn’t hang out with other girls because they’re all evil bitches.

      Come to think of it, has she mentioned having any friends from home? It seems like most of her interactions are the dudes who want to bone her and the ladies she hates and/or gets into fights with. And then there’s not!David Copperfield and her mom.

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
      • Cris
        Cris

        You’re right, how could I be such a fool? Lineage obviously doesn’t have any female friends. The same applies to her equally insufferable self-insert, with the added “excuse” of girls not liking her because of her fucked up glamours.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
  15. Amatyultare
    Amatyultare

    I truly do not have the energy to dig into Lani’s increasingly obnoxious attempts to justify herself. Nor do I think I’m equal to the task of dissecting her increasingly disturbing middle-school-esque “I’m the Popular One Now” fantasy.

    What I do want to note, and I know I’m echoing other commenters from previous chapter recounts, is: Sarem *royally screwed* her story by having Mac & Zade kiss and by making their relationship explicitly romantic so early. By this chapter I can SEE the bones of the better story here.

    Imagine a book where Mac does the motorcycle-ride thing with Zade, but when the rainstorm hits and they’re stranded, he begins a Very Serious Conversation with her about He Doesn’t Date Performers So Stop Flirting With Him.

    But Zade, flustered and trying to save face, is all, don’t flatter yourself, I’m not actually interested in you.

    And Mac goes, oh. You’re not – not romantically interested in me? That’s, um. That’s – good! Good. I’m – that’s good.

    So they agree that they can still be friends and ride back to town, both a little unsettled by the conversation (cue metaphor about “rain in the desert sparks new life, but it’s fleeting” and/or “going back to Las Vegas, where nothing ever changes”). From here, you’ve got the love triangle of Zade casually dating Jackson – he asked her out, he’s…fine, he’s cute, she’s probably just still too invested in Mac and if she keeps seeing Jackson she might like him? – and Zade and Mac becoming really close friends and spending a ton of time together. (Both of them continue this intense friendship, two-thirds because “I do really like the other person’s company and since they’re not interested in me, if I keep pretending to just be their friend eventually I’ll believe it, right?” and one-third because “If I admit I need space because of unrequited feelings NOW, I will be SO EMBARRASSED.”)

    But of course, the one topic Zade and Mac NEVER talk about is Jackson – way too awkward. So when Drew asks Mac, “Hey, you’re super close with Zade – is she single? I was thinking about asking her out” in Jackson’s hearing, Mac responds with a looooong awkward silence. First because he isn’t sure how to answer (he’s legit not 100% sure how serious Zade and Jackson are), and then because he’s hoping Jackson will step in and answer the question. Finally, Mac forces himself to say something like, “Jackson’s the better person to tell you, he and Zade have been dating,” and basically nopes out of the conversation. Which leads nicely into Tad, eating lunch with Mac later, being like – so, uh, what was that all about?

    It’s! All! Right! There!

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • Fer
      Fer

      I know, right? Almost every chapter has something hiden that it could work and create A STORY. Is soooooo frustrating see the evidence and yet she rather her “the winner takes it all” fantasy.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
    • RMH
      RMH

      Your version is one of 100+ ways to make this story more interesting – this story is. SO. BORING. that there are so many ways to make it better.

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      I know, right? The irony of finally getting a swift down to business kiss so soon is ruined because Lani Sarem still tries to drag the whole thing out so that it makes no sense. I blame this on two things, her inexperience as a writer and how lazy she was about including Jackson. Based on what Not-Lani Sarem (from Blandbook for Chortles) has pointed out in her essay, I think most of his roles were originally written for Charles, so the dynamic was different, and then the author did the bare minimum of changing these scenes. In fact, some of his responses probably weren’t even touched, so it ends up super weird, really uninteresting, and incredibly stupid.

      But yeah, it’s so easy to fix. This whole book could’ve been rewritten in so many interesting and different ways, some of them so simple with very few changes, that it’s mindnumbing how she could’ve improved the writing by leaps and bounds if she’d just accepted criticism from any of her editors.

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  16. Perlite
    Perlite

    Wow, what a trash move. First, she cheat her way to the top, then implies that the author she cheated was jealous of Her? That is a new low. And she had the nerve to act coy after being called out. It’s not cute. It’s slander. This reinforces my idea that Lani is a privileged bully who probably wouldn’t know oppression if it slapped off her smarmy, “perfectly cut” bangs.

    Drew is probably the first character I’ve read that I forgot about him as soon as I finished reading about him. Guess the endless parade of nonessential characters finally got to me. Sophia getting shocked by her mic? Sounds like another case of “totally not maggickkel” interference to me. Especially not suspicious after Zade’s little supernatural sharting at the Weenie Hut.

    And here I thought Jackson was just your average whitbread boring handsome guy, but what a DOUCHEBAG. “Just use to get laid”? What a fucking charmer. Oh. Of course. It’s to show everyone what a purity non-hoe Zart is. All his dick-measuring about who deserves Zade is so sweet and totally not indicative of the harmful and unhealthy viewpoints this author has.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • MamaLich
      MamaLich

      Yeah, I honestly think that Lani’s worst enemy is herself. Not only did she trash a well-liked author (whose work is respectable, holds up on its own and hasn’t made a whole online media circus out of her own ineptitude), but she also just exposed herself as the kind of person who’d point a finger at people if they happened to do something that she didn’t like and air it all out to people across the globe (which I’m sure multiple people who work in publishing houses, agencies, etc will notice).

      I’m absolutely all for whistle-blowing (Are people being abused at your line of work? SAY IT. Is there so much nepotism in your company that it’s going to impact other people’s hard-earned work/job prospects? Bring.It. Up. But there is a whole procedure about doing it, and there is a reason why so many national hotlines are very strict about how to report certain wrongs (and it’s not to protect the 3VIL Corporations, it’s to make sure that when you DO report it/talk about it–it would make it less likely for other people to accuse you for doing it out of resentment/sour grapes)). Sure, the agent DID take out the sleuths for drinks–but it’s not even abusive behavior towards Lani (ESPECIALLY when for this whole time, Lani didn’t even prove the sleuth’s wrong with concrete proof or anything despite of being invited to endless interviews/platforms like conventions). All that Lani did was the equivalent of some kid going, “That eight-grader’s friend made fun of ME!!” in front of a huge crowd of people.

      Like, I’ve had people talk bad about me behind my back—and I especially know people who would’ve laughed and insulted me on a get-together with other people (which was high-school in a nutshell for me). But I wouldn’t go on a very public online platform and tell about it (because not only would everybody know, but if anybody asked, “Well? ARE you exactly what [name] had said about you?”, I wouldn’t be even able to make a smart answer out of it). There’s a reason why the old saying: “ It’s better to keep your mouth shut and appear stupid than open it and remove all doubt” is still relevant. If you’re revealed to be a cheater and also a bad author—the best thing you could do is to keep your damn head down and instead crank out good work than to ‘protest too much’.

      December 4, 2017
      |Reply
  17. Meghan
    Meghan

    Isn’t this supposed to be a story about a witch? WHERE THE FUCK IS ALL THE WITCHY MAGIC STUFF? Zippy had a single Palpatine moment and that was it.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  18. ViolettaD
    ViolettaD

    The more she tries to set things straight, the deeper she digs herself in the hole.
    Just. Unbelievable.
    You know, if she’d just said straight out, “You’re damn right we gamed the NYT! The system is BS and this proves it!” people probably wouldn’t have been so angry with her. Jackie Susann’s husband gamed the bestseller system decades before Looney Loveself thought of it, but he wasn’t a hypocrite about it, plus “Valley of the Dolls” actually had a story and enough Hollywood dirt about thinly-disguised celebrities to sell itself after the initial publicity stunt.
    But Lucy-in-the-Skank-With-Douchebag explains herself in more directions than Heath Ledger as the Joker. Well, she did buy the books herself, but she sold them at Cons. Well, it wasn’t fair that Con sales didn’t count. Well, she did make sure to buy them only from places that reported sales to the NYT, but it was so she could sell them at Cons. Well, she did TOO sell that many at Cons; they’re not all sitting in a warehouse somewhere. Well, she didn’t mean any harm to the #1 author or her agent, so there shouldn’t be a problem there. Well, they must be picking on her because they’re jealous of her success.; hey they could have gamed the system too, if they’d wanted, not that she deliberately gamed the system because she was naive and never realized all this would happen….
    I haven’t even read the recrap proper yet, I’m so angry at how stupid she must think we are.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • A Narcissist’s Prayer:
      “That didn’t happen.
      And if it did, it wasn’t that bad.
      And if it was, that’s not a big deal.
      And if it is, that’s not my fault.
      And if it was, I didn’t mean it.
      And if I did…
      You deserved it.”

      I don’t know who wrote it, but I see it quoted in response to Trump’s shenanigans, but it fits Lani Sarem, too.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • Kate
        Kate

        I had not seen that before, but it’s perfect.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • ViolettaD
          ViolettaD

          ” What Kate said.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
      • Dove
        Dove

        It almost hurts how accurate that is for both of them.

        December 3, 2017
        |Reply
  19. SofiaThatB*tch
    SofiaThatB*tch

    I seriously believe that this drivel is like this because Lani sincerely believes the world revolves around her. Just like ZitCream. And if you don’t let her shit pass, you’re just jealous of her.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
  20. Crystal M
    Crystal M

    I thought the phrase “swimming in her ocean” sounded familiar and I did a Google search. It’s a reference to a hit by the Crash Test Dummies.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vgnPxA2mhBY

    A 90’s reference. Of course. Sigh. Her YA readers wouldn’t get that one.

    Also, it’s really gross that the guys discuss Zylaphone as if she were a piece of meat. Even grosser that this is presented as *flattering* her, evidence that she is beautiful and awesome. Such a terrible message to send to young girls.

    December 1, 2017
    |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      Thought the Dummies’ only hit was “MM-MM-MM-MM.”
      See, I’ve learned something! (And people think this book has no redeeming social value.)

      December 1, 2017
      |Reply
  21. Rachel O'Riley
    Rachel O'Riley

    Every permutation of L’occitane Serum’s name you come up with is funnier than the one before! Delicious.

    Also, just watched the tarot reading video. It was magick! (I kid. Actually, I greatly enjoyed it).

    One thing I keep wondering —- why do I find Tommy Wiseau kind of adorable for relentlessly pursuing his dreams despite lack of talent, but I’m disgusted by Lani Saruman who is doing the same thing? Is it because she lied and cheated and he (as far as I know) didn’t? Or am I just too blinded by the staggering Wiseau charm?

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
    • Lani Sarem is being super victim-complex-y about everything when she is the one who was caught in a lie. Wiseau (to the best of my knowledge) hasn’t acted as though the movie industry is out to get him (as far as I know), and he’s embraced his film’s notoriety.

      There’s also the fact that THE ROOM is over 10 years old at this point, making it all nostalgic and endearing. I’ve read HfM a few times at this point (I did an inferior read-through myself), and I now find some of its awfulness endearing. After you get over the shock of how bad it is and forget that we only know about this book because of the misdeeds of its author, it becomes easier to laugh at it (as opposed to feeling rage every time some rando swoons at Zade).

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • Amavra
        Amavra

        That and save the pearls is so much worse

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • Yeah, I think that’s the main reason I have relatively warm feelings toward HfM at this point. But HfM also reads similarly to “My Immortal,” which I spent many hours reading aloud with friends, so some of my affection may have spilled over.

          Save the Pearls is, like, truly infuriating. I thought I liked the pain. I wasn’t prepared.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
    • Amy
      Amy

      the Room also has the “it’s so bad it’s good” quality to it. HFM doesn’t even have funny, quotable lines in it. And that’s what makes the book even more insulting: the fact Lani believes her generic magickal white girl novel was worth all the lies, the scamming, the finger pointing. Tommy Wiseau is also not blaming/raging against people who are watching the movie specifically to make fun of it, he’s not pulling the ol’ “woe is me, they’re only making fun because they don’t understand, it’s all that Nostalgia Critic’s fault!”

      We will all produce shit one day, it’s inevitable, but how you handle your shit makes the difference. Tommy Wiseau is just like, “hey, people are watching my stuff! Yay!”
      but Lani is like, “I’m the victim! I deserve praise! Angie Thomas is mean!”

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
    • Mike
      Mike

      Personally I see Wiseau as wanting to be in film because he’s genuinely passionate about film, where as Sarem wants to be in film because she’s genuinely passionate about being famous and getting back at everyone who’s better than her for being better than her. But that could be because I know a lot less about Wiseau.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • ViolettaD
        ViolettaD

        Oooh, Mike, you got there first!
        I was thinking about this when I read yesterday’s posts. Wiseau, like Ed Wood was, is passionate about his work. The passion comes through no matter how clumsily the work is done. You could say the same about the author of
        “Eye of Argon,” a Con read-aloud classic. Even Ayn Rand, criticised for her clunky prose and wooden, Medieval Morality-Play-style characters, just wanted her message to go through. When someone asked her who could possibly enjoy the rape scene in “Fountainhead,” she said, “It’s MY fantasy.” Non-PC, but straightforward.

        Sarem tossed her book together, and I suspect she tossed the script together too. Her contempt for potential readership or viewers was evident when she commented, shrugging, on some autographed Con sales that were likely memorabilia buys, “They probably won’t even read it.” She really didn’t care if anyone read it or liked it. If the book’s value went up years later because copies had become rare, that would be fine too, although it would irk her that she couldn’t play Zuddenly Zeymour at age 90.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • Indigo
          Indigo

          Book suggestion for those who haven’t read it: The Disaster Artist.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      To add to what others have said, I’m pretty sure Lani Sarem believes that she’ll trick us eventually. She’s only angry that people weren’t deceived and her goal is to fix her damaged image somehow. On the other hand, she’d never actually rewrite the book to make it better because she never cared how good it was. She wants her movie deal because she wants to be a famous movie star and she wrote the book sloppily, as fast as possible, purely to game the system in the hopes of getting that. It goes back into the passion angle, but Lani Sarem is also a jerk who only cares about herself. There’s nothing charming about that. The book always had potential in the right hands though, so it could’ve been more pleasant if we’d known nothing about the author herself. Still bad but just meh instead of grating.

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
      • Amy
        Amy

        Her plan is still so boggling tho. Even if she legit got to number one, there was never any guarantee she’ll get a movie deal within the year or the next five years. For goodness sakes, Game of Thrones came out in 1995, and the show was only produced what-? A couple of years ago? the first Harry Potter movie didn’t come out till after the fourth book came out. Getting movie deals and fame from it takes TIME. Even if HFM was a good book, the movie wouldn’t come out till Lani was well into her forties.

        Let’s say nobody called out Lani on her cheating and stayed number one. Then what? It wouldn’t take long for another book to replace her. And if she ended up getting more readers due to her #1 status, that only means there would’ve been MORE people tearing her book apart, there would’ve been MORE people, more reviewers than the YA community calling her out on her shit.

        No matter what would have happened, it’s a lose-lose situation. So what the hell was her plan?

        December 3, 2017
        |Reply
        • Dove
          Dove

          I don’t think she thought that far ahead. Maybe she thought she could coast by, writing shitty books every year or every few years (or hiring a ghostwriter for subsequent books in the series, set to come out whenever), and then live on the royalties, using the same company to achieve #1 status for each book for several weeks in a row, until the movie deal was underway. Then, since all of her novels were bestsellers, that would make her script look more tantalizing to studios. I mean, yeah, she was just setting herself up to fail, but I’m sure she thought she was being clever. Maybe she thought she’d be willing to wait awhile if it simply guaranteed her movie being made and having tight control over how the movie was made? XD

          December 3, 2017
          |Reply
        • Dove
          Dove

          Whoa, sorry for the mess that my comment turned into. I got sloppy because I was in a rush to finish. Hopefully, it made sense. o.o;

          (No, I’m not being ironic… lol. I just need to go right now.)

          December 3, 2017
          |Reply
        • Jamoche
          Jamoche

          Getting something set in modern times, with as simple an elevator pitch as “girl working in magic show has real magic”, isn’t as much of a challenge as an epic like GoT. It wouldn’t be a major motion picture, though, just one of those Lifetime C-list cookie cutter productions.

          December 9, 2017
          |Reply
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            It could actually work…Just get Tommy Wiseau to direct it.

            After all, we’ve all agreed that amo GST it’s many faults, what this project lacks most is PASSION.

            December 9, 2017
          • Amy
            Amy

            if you break it down like that, nothing sounds interesting. like,

            Harry potter- magical little boy and his prophesied destiny.

            star wars- magical young boy and his prophesied destiny.

            lord of the rings- evil ring and everybody wants it.

            beauty and the beast- bestiality

            heck, a lot of people praise Stephen King for taking simple concepts and turning them into wonderful stories. a haunted hotel room, a haunted motel, an evil clown, evil MIST. When a concept is put into the right hands, great things happen. put them in the wrong hands, and you get movies like Avatar the last airbender.

            Lani had a good concept, and had it been written by someone who could write, was willing to take risks, and didn’t follow the FSG strategy, HFM could’ve been great.

            December 10, 2017
  22. Mike
    Mike

    I think Sarem needs to invest in a writing masterclass, learn how to handle alternating viewpoints. Personally she shouldn’t be including them in this book save the later chapters where she’s unconscious and still needs to convey the story (maybe. There’s probably a way around that too) as there’s so few perspective shifts that they’re too jarring and should be left out entirely. But if she’s going to insist on inserting them, having them in italics when they’re short snippets inside otherwise Zade-centric chapters, that’s… not ideal but an understandable choice, but when it’s its own chapter, that’s 100% from a different narrator, then the whole damn thing does not need to be in italics. That’s hard to read for MOST people, not just dyslexics!

    This chapter was 100% here in the original draft of the screenplay. It may be edited, but this kind of perspective shift is something you WOULD see in a screenplay. Though if this were a competent story writer the shocking of Sofia would be foreshadowing that she’s actually being sabotaged by magic by either Zade herself or someone who intends to make her look bad, and someone would have raised an eyebrow about it before everyone brushing it off as her being a diva. It’s actually frustrating how many different ways this story could be altered to make a genuinely intriguing story.

    If I were to do something called Handbook for Mortals, centered about a witch in a magic show trying to hide that she’s really magic, I would probably set it up as a TV show. The first season would be about her and a few other witches and wizards, and it would have a few lessons about tarot, visions, guides, go into some real wicca lore and history. Have lambo girl be the season antagonist, sabotaging things around Zade for whatever reason, and then after she’s defeated and a few chosen people are let in on the secret, set up the second season by having one of the last lines be Mac asking if witches are real, what else is? And then shift to whatever paranormal entity will headline the second season. As long as the actors and set was good enough it wouldn’t be as cheesy as it sounds.

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
    • Amy
      Amy

      In the first chapter, zanni describes herself as “not hot-girl skinny.” Later on in clark kent’s perspective, he describes zanni as “not hot-girl skinny.” Lani HAS to put Mac’s persepective in italics because he and Zade have the same voice, the same thought process. But who knows? Maybe the thoughts of a thirty year old man who’s been in working in the entertainment industry for nearly a decade would have the same voice as a twenty-five year old woman who has never left home before. I mean, their stories are just so interchangeable!

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • Mike
        Mike

        I honestly didn’t even notice that. It’s sad she is so trapped in her own head that she can’t even imagine someone thinking differently than she does… I mean, she had access to American Pie, if she struggled with a male perspective, just ask him how he would word things, or what he would think in that scenario.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • ViolettaD
          ViolettaD

          Judging by my brother and his friends, if they talk about a girl openly, it’s usually in the crudest terms.
          If a guy is actually serious about her, he won’t discuss his feelings with the others; he’ll just tell them to shut up. If they don’t, pretty soon they’re slugging each other.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      Dickens does it in “Bleak House,” with omniscient narrative alternating with Esther’s diary. King does it in “Carrie,” with omniscient narrative alternating with news articles, personal letters, interviews, etc. And then of course there are Richardson’s novels, where it;s all done in letters, but those are way long unless you;re terribly patient. Laclos does it more succinctly in “Dangerous Liaisons.”

      Writers need to avoid plagiarism or never developing their own style, but they are usually inspired and influenced by what they’ve read, especially at the beginning. One wonders what Sarem has been reading.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
      • Mike
        Mike

        I stand by that entire chapters in italics is a terrible idea, no matter how many quality authors have done it. But even here there’s a very important difference between those works and this one. As you said, in Bleak house it’s not just a narrative shift, it’s a diary entry. In Carrie it’s letters and articles. Richardson uses letters. They aren’t JUST a perspective shift, it’s an indication of reading something that’s written in universe. Particularly, they’re narrative tools to reveal information that a first person narrator wouldn’t otherwise be able to give the reader. In particular, it’s a perspective shift without ACTUALLY shifting perspective, and the italics is meant to show that.

        Sarem is just shifting to third person so she can include scenes she would have otherwise had to cut in the transition from screenplay to novel. A much better way to convey the new perspective would be to have the very first perspective be a thought of one of the non-Zade characters, to make it clear from line one. Then you don’t need the italics because the perspective is already established and as it’s there from go the reader knows this chapter is either this persons perspective or omniscient third person. Save the reader the italics eye strain and keep the clarity.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • Mike
          Mike

          *have the very first line in the chapter be a thought from a non-zade character.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
        • ViolettaD
          ViolettaD

          Quality authors Richardson, Laclos, and Dickens didn’t HAVE to use italics for perspective shifts, because they had headings with that info:

          LETTER I

          MISS ANNA HOWE, TO MISS CLARISSA HARLOWE JAN 10. – Richardson, “Clarissa”

          CHAPTER XVII

          Esther’s Narrative – Dickens, “Bleak House”

          LETTER I.

          CECILIA VOLANGES to SOPHIA CARNAY, at the Convent of the Ursulines of ——. – Laclos, “Dangerous Liaisons”

          Richardson was , in fact, a printer, and while he used italics for emphasis and chapter summaries, there was no way he’d have an entire chapter in that font.

          King uses them for brief snatches of thoughts in an omniscient narrative, but again, the separate entries have headings, not fonts, to indicate point of view.

          As for children’s classic “Harriet the Spy,” her notebook is usually done in all caps. Again, not italics.

          So once again–what has Sarum Cathedral been reading?

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
          • Mike
            Mike

            Oh, sorry, I misunderstood. It’s been years since I’ve ready Carrie and I hadn’t read Bleak House or anything by Richardson, so I thought you were saying that those authors had done all italics chapters, and that’s probably where she got it, implying she was copying authors who pulled it off better than she did. My mistake!

            Not quite sure why I thought that, so I’m gonna blame it on the fact that the landlords have control of the heater in my apt and have it on full blast despite that it’s not goddamn cold outside, so I’m sitting here melting.

            December 2, 2017
          • ViolettaD
            ViolettaD

            Mike: If you live in NYC, you’ll have to open your window in January. Your super is from the DR.

            Or maybe he’s just JEALOUS of you because you’re the kind of guy women marry….

            No prob. My point was that there are plenty of examples of authors doing this sort of thing quite skillfully without relying on annoying fonts, which made me wonder–what was Saremthustra reading INSTEAD?

            December 2, 2017
          • Mike
            Mike

            I’m a Canadian living in London, so as it is I am built to handle the cold much more than most people here. But my landlord is from Portugal I think, and a couple of the other tenants are from Spain. So, essentially the same thing (assuming DR means Dominican Republic?)

            Your ACTUAL point makes much more sense. I have seen a lot of authors tackle perspective shifts, and they don’t have to use funky transitions like the triple moons, or italics. I can’t think of a single one I’ve seen that has done that for more than a paragraph. So if she did get it from another author maybe it was another of her ‘friends’ (see: people she is using to get ahead. I get the feeling she doesn’t have real friends, just people with some degree of fame or connection that she buddies up with for benefits) who has published some things that never really took off.

            Or, more likely, she just assumed her readers were idiots and needed it to be made painfully obvious that this was a different perspective and didn’t know how to do that. She wrote the scenes in the screenplay, and was already scraping the bottom of the barrel to pad the word count to get it up to book length so she couldn’t cut the non-Zade centered scenes, but just outright lacked the knowledge and skill to make them fit properly, so just shoved them in in this inelegant messy way.

            Actually having written that out it occurs to me that plagiarizing someone else’s style is definitely not what happened. I think she was too lazy to even put in THAT much effort. She would have had to have read an entire book written by someone that isn’t her.

            One thing I have noticed is that the book is definitely still written like a movie. A bad movie, but definitely a movie. How she keeps cutting scenes short, fading out of conversations that in most books you would leave in, but in movies you’d just cut away from and maybe have her describe how it went to condense the information for run time. The constantly restating people’s names is clearly taken from a script format to state who’s present in the scene, etc. Reading a book to see how one might put those together in the alternate medium is probably more effort than she’d be willing to put in to getting this done. She wants instant fame. Reading would be work.

            December 2, 2017
          • Indigo
            Indigo

            Reply to Mike: I live in Canada and my landlord is Australian. At one point, I had been telling him for weeks that there was something wrong with the thermostat because it should NOT be thirty degrees Celsius inside any house in January, even in Vancouver. He hadn’t noticed anything was wrong (he lives in the same house, in the basement suite). He finally fixed it when he looked at the heating bill and realized it was absurdly high.

            December 2, 2017
          • Mike
            Mike

            Indigo: OMG 30 degrees would have killed me. I’d have had to sleep outside. Frankly I don’t like the cold (part of why I like living here so much. Lived in Edmonton before I came here. You never appreciate underground parking more than when it’s -40 and you still have to go outside) but I prefer being too cold over too hot. You can layer up to fight the cold, there’s only so many layers you can take off in the heat before all that’s left is skin.

            December 2, 2017
  23. Xebi
    Xebi

    Oh man, the dialogue in this thing is just painful. Try and get a male acquaintance to say this out loud and see how it sounds:

    “God, that girl is beautiful. It’s beyond that, there is something unique and special about her.” Drew said, nudging Mac with his elbow. “Wonder what my chances are. Is she dating anyone?”

    I mean, I’m pretty sure that is not how men really talk to each other.

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
  24. Mydog'sPA
    Mydog'sPA

    If Lazy should ever get a Small Press booth next to ours at San Diego ComicCon, the only way I’d think of to shut her up is to thank her for exposing a flaw in the NYT BSL reporting system that she helped correct with her antics. So in that regard, she has actually done a service to the rest of us by keeping all the fraudsters at bay.

    Just a thought.

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Oh god, no. She’ll take that lead and bring it back to her being the victim and it’s so good of you to realize how intelligent she was for finding this ploy, but she never meant to raise a fuss. Everyone else just keeps slandering her constantly and acting like they’re the heroes when of course she is!

      I mean, you can do it to see if I’m wrong, and I hope I am. Maybe she’d be a little stunned, but at this point, she might be used to dealing with that topic, and if she has legit narcissistic tendencies, then giving her attention is exactly what she’s after. She’ll talk your ear off instead, especially if there’s no one else standing there, ready to bask in her glow. ;P

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  25. Okay, I’m getting angry now. It’s not even that the book is terrible, trite and downright awful. It’s that the author herself is terrible, trite and downright awful.

    How ARE she blame Angie for mess. This is just pathetic and disgusting.

    Lanie, nobody likes you for a reason. Please go away so that we can pay attention to “real” authors.

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
      • hoooooly shit. I have no words. Like, I kinda thought that LS was generally tonedeaf when it came to race issues, but anyone who acts like BLM isn’t a necessary movement/activist group gets a free pass to the “actually racist” pile.

        December 2, 2017
        |Reply
        • Right? That person on Facebook straight up said a racist horrible thing and Lanie immediately wanted to friend her! Awww man I hate this woman.

          December 2, 2017
          |Reply
  26. Jenny (But not Jenny Trout)
    Jenny (But not Jenny Trout)

    Loved the recap and I don’t even know where to start with Lani’s self justifying BS. She got caught. As someone who read The Hate U Give, I can say I think it deserves to be on the NYT bestseller. Lovely book about a horrible situation and I can’t wait to see the movie. As for the HFM movie, I’d watch it on Netflix with friends and alcohol so we can laugh.

    December 2, 2017
    |Reply
    • ViolettaD
      ViolettaD

      Never, unless Cambot, Gypsy, Tom Servo, and Crowwwwww can help me through it.

      December 2, 2017
      |Reply
  27. I think my favourite part of these recaps are all of the bizarro names you come up with.

    And I’ve just realised that, when this movie comes out, people are going to expect me to review it.
    And I thought Fifty Shades of Grey was painful to sit through.

    December 3, 2017
    |Reply
  28. Anon
    Anon

    You would think Lani would make some attempt at making her posts correct as far as punctuation and grammar. Calling herself a writer publicly while writing a senseless wall of text is ballsy.

    Angie Thomas should just ignore this. Honestly. She’s proven her chops. Anyone with half a brain knows that. Her genuine success is all the “armor” she needs. Let Lani make a fool of herself all on her own.

    When you call her “Zani,” I read it as “zany.” I hope that’s what you intend. Or really I don’t care because it’s funny.

    The more of these I read, the more embarrassed I am for Lani. Her terrible writing, the pathetic self-insert-loved-by-all-men … And of course her closest friends are all men. I bet she’s one of those women who “prefers” male friends because “less drama” when actually she’s the one who causes all the drama and even though she’s actually a woman, she has no clue how women think or behave. It makes me sad that George RR Martin has more insight into female characters than most female authors do. 🙁

    December 3, 2017
    |Reply
    • Cris
      Cris

      Hey anon, I know you were going for hyperbole here, but I’m pretty sure saying a man has more insight into female characters than most female authors do is quite insulting. Just because Serin Wrap can’t write a woman-or any character really- to save her life doesn’t mean the bulk of women who write are equally terrible at it.

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      It makes me sad that George RR Martin has more insight into female characters than some female authors do.

      I think that’s what you meant to say. Otherwise, don’t lump us all in with Lani Sarem. There are plenty of good female authors out there too. XD

      December 3, 2017
      |Reply
  29. Stormy
    Stormy

    If Sarem has done an ounce of research into the YA scene since this debacle (doubtful though that might be), she’s probably kicking herself that she didn’t coincide the publication of HfM with John Green’s latest book.

    For starters, Green was guaranteed to chart on NYT (as of this week, Turtles All the Way Down is still #1) due to his popularity. He’s an established (white/cis/straight/male) writer, so Sarem would have had even the slightest leg to stand on when she tried to pull her “The establishment wants to keep my sparkling new voice down!” argument.

    For another, if anyone did a similar investigation and uncovered her scam, which is possible given his devoted fanbase who’d similarly wonder why a book they’d never heard of knocked their fave off the #1 spot, Green would likely be horrified to be accused of “bullying.” He would have led the charge to have her reinstated.

    Sure, this is all conjecture, but the fact that Sarem keeps trying it with Angie Thomas is proof that she had no idea about the Young Adult market prior to her stunt and really doesn’t give a damn now. I feel for Thomas, who has to walk a very fine line to protect herself without being cast as an “angry black woman.” Her phenomenal success is the story Sarem wanted for herself, so I think there’s LOADS of projection going on every time Sarem insinuates that Thomas is actually super jealous and is conspiring to ruin everything for her.

    December 4, 2017
    |Reply
  30. I almost want to pay the $75 to see what she says. But then I remember, I can use that $75 to buy a set of Angie’s books for some needy school or library. So instead I’ll do that, take a picture and send it to her with an apology that her seminar was kicked off my “Most Likely To Buy List” by Angie as well.

    December 4, 2017
    |Reply
  31. Deirdre
    Deirdre

    FWIW Lani and that Richard Morgan fella from the screen cap are friends on facebook.

    FYI, the different names you use for Zinderella are the highlight of my day every time you post an update.

    December 4, 2017
    |Reply
  32. River
    River

    I have three blood brothers and multiple adopted brothers. I work in a field that is predominantly male and I’ve lived in several housing situations with multiple men. Never. Have I ever. Heard. Such stupid things come out of their mouths. If this weren’t a self incert it would be simply a painfully juvenile scene in which you’d assume a 14 year old was writing wish fulfillment on a grand scale. It might give your heart a tug and you’d grin with sympathy because ahhh we’ve all had silly daydreams… But this was written with a straight face by a thirty something female who should know better then to let her egotistical fantasy be published. We are back to the stark fact that this is only interesting BECAUSE it is so painful and stupid. Otherwise it is boring. Boring. Boring. The work conflict is no conflict, the random fluffing of male feathers over who is or is not going to take a dust bath in Zunko’s special ocean is clunky and gross. And the tension of “ooooooo will they discover that Mac likes her?” is something we don’t care about because honestly I don’t think they care about it. I also call bull on the whole “Zytgist was moving so fast as to not notice all the men watching her” no woman in history has not noticed a herd of man whipping their vision balls in her direction. No. Woman. Ever. Because either you are trying to decide if you need to run from rapists or you are flattered by the attention. She damn well knew that they were watching her and was faking not noticing, which is the second time she’s done that in this book. Blech. So boooorrring. I also would like to do a little fist pounding about how boring the magic is (not to mention nearly nonexistent.) I’m rereading A Darker Shade of Magic by V. E Schwab, this author has created a truly unique world of magic. It starts at the beginning and works it’s way through each page like a thread. It is so aggravating that she attempted to co-opt this genre that so many authors have worked hard to make their own. Laminated throws out the word magic (I refuse to write it with a K) and just assumes we are to dumb to realize she didn’t actually craft her own magical world. She just smashed things randomly together and pored canned icing on it and said “ta daaa!” before demanding in a high pitched screech that we all bow before her as the new master of writing. Get stuffed! We aren’t going to think that nor will we bow down to you queen of drivel, queen of filth, queen of putrescence….

    December 6, 2017
    |Reply
  33. Alyssa
    Alyssa

    Ugh this book is so boring. Of all the potentially cool stories to tell in this mess, she time and again takes the LEAST interesting path possible. You are a saint for reading these.

    On the bright side, I have been inspired by the “it could’ve actually worked if she didn’t suck”. I’ve been looking for a super power for a female character in a short story I’m planning and decided to rip Lani’s men-love-me-women-hate me affliction, but make it actually interesting and bad. My character’s primary concern is the isolation from friends and family caused by this power, so the romantic effects are secondary, but she’s bi so there’s an added nuance of all the men she likes only reciprocating non-consensually and the women she likes being repulsed by her entirely.

    December 6, 2017
    |Reply
    • Dove
      Dove

      Depending on how short a story you’re working with, I think it’d be awesome if your protagonist had a few friends (probably two or three at the absolute most) who are also magic and/or otherwise immune, for some reason, since everyone needs support or else it might get super depressing for her. Or perhaps it’s all visual, so she’s okay when she talks to people on the phone/over the internet? (I know someone’s snippet of fanfic in a prior chapter review, the one where Zazu gets attacked in the car park, suggested that option. I thought that was a great idea, although I forget who wrote that… It might’ve been you.) 😀

      December 11, 2017
      |Reply
  34. Izzy
    Izzy

    I went cross-eyed trying to work out that part about the doors. I still don’t get it but maybe I’m just not clever enough to understand Lani’s next level sense of humour.

    December 6, 2017
    |Reply
  35. Alyssa
    Alyssa

    Also, I’m convinced that Lani Sarem is a Cathy.

    December 6, 2017
    |Reply
  36. Katharine
    Katharine

    Um… did anyone else catch Lani Sarem’s twitter handle?

    December 7, 2017
    |Reply

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