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How many Jesuses is too many Jesuses?: An Interlude

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FADE IN
INTERIOR – BEDROOM – DAY. MR. JEN and JENNY are sitting in bed, looking at photos from Jenny’s Catholic grandmother’s house at Christmas.

JENNY
The first time you went to my grandma’s house, did you think it was one of those really religious houses?

Mr. Jen stares at Jenny with a mixture of incredulity and outrage.

JENNY
Well, I don’t know! I grew up in that culture. I don’t know how much religious stuff a house should have. Like, when you walk into her house, is that your first–

MR. JEN
It’s the first thing you notice! It’s the very first thing!

JENNY
And you go, this is one of those religious houses?

MR. JEN
Remember when we counted all the Jesuses on the first floor of your grandma’s house? How many were there?

JENNY
Fifty-two.

MR. JEN
Fifty-two! There are fifty-two Jesuses on that floor alone! And that’s just Jesus! There’s all kinds of other religious stuff!

JENNY
So, how many Jesuses is too many, then?

MR. JEN
Two!

JENNY
Wait, do you mean having two Jesuses is having too many Jesuses, or my grandma has two too many?

MR. JEN
What?

JENNY
Like, is fifty the limit and she’s two over?

Mr. Jen massages his forehead with both hands, humbled in defeat.

FADE OUT.

FIN.

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6 Comments

  1. Amanda
    Amanda

    My friends mother used to put out to many nativity scenes, it’s still a big joke between all of us. There were 3 in the bathroom.

    For my wedding present her mom gave me a check with a lovely note that I should use the money to but a nativity of my choice. I laughed a lot.

    February 13, 2019
    |Reply
    • KT Smythe
      KT Smythe

      Okay, I need to know… Were they in the bathroom because there was no more space for them? Or does she find it absolutely necessary to make sure people remember the birth of Christ while they’re pooping?

      February 15, 2019
      |Reply
  2. Ann
    Ann

    Do you think all the Jesuses get competitive with each other in the night when they’re all alone together? Or insecure? Like, “Jesus TWENTY SEVEN looks more wretched & inappropriately whitewashed than me, damnit. I wish I had more blood dripping down MY face like he does. Fuck that guy.”

    February 13, 2019
    |Reply
    • Jules
      Jules

      I know have this visual of the Jesuses coming to life and having knife fights and turf wars. Poor grandma gets up the next morning, looks at Jesus #38 and thinks something is different with him. She doesn’t remember him having quite that much blood dripping down his face. Behind her Jesus #14 is pushing a knife behind the potted plant with his food. Like a really disturbing version of Toy Story.

      March 12, 2019
      |Reply
  3. My mom has maybe a dozen nativity sets that she puts out at Christmas. I’ve never counted the Jesuses, though. I can think of three off the top of my head.

    This also reminds me of the episode of One Day at a Time where Lydia is putting pictures of the Pope everywhere.

    My MIL has a 2014 Calendar of Pope Francis that she still uses. Because it has pictures of him. Like she doesn’t get time-confused enough.

    Religion is weird.

    February 14, 2019
    |Reply

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