Skip to content

Jealous Haters Book Club: The Mister chapter six or, “I am clearly stuck in a Groundhog Day-style time loop please send help.”

Posted in Uncategorized

Sorry for the lateness of today’s recap. I chose self-care over work and took a nap and ate macaroni and cheese instead. Also, I started reading some Poldark recaps while researching a plot detail for this recap. They’re by Meghan O’Keefe and holy shit I’ve been laughing myself sick over the first two.

Oh, and shout out to all the Polish people in my comments. There are a lot of you!

Chapter six opens in Demelssia’s POV. Unlike every other day so far, she’s fucking thrilled to find that Moss is home.

Last night in her narrow bed, she’d dreamed of him again–malachite-green eyes, shining smile, and that expressive face–engrossed in his music as he played the piano. She’s woken breathless and full of desire.

Why is she so hot for him all of a sudden, when she was scared of him the first time they met?

He lent her that umbrella.

She’d not received much kindness since she came to London, except from Magda, of course, so his gesture meant that much more.

Look. I have never been a stranger in a strange land in any kind of permanent situation. So, I can’t state with absolute certainty that if someone gave me an umbrella, it wouldn’t make me fall deeply in love with them despite having no substantial interaction with them. But it does seem like she’s just a teensy bit too tragic if the kindness of lending her an umbrella is all it takes to get her circus-tent-sized panties to drop.

Again, this is a place where I can’t tell if it’s a true parallel or if I’m looking for things to liken to Poldarkbut remember when Ross bought Demelza a cloak in the Masterpiece Theater version (the only version I know) and she was like, thanks, now I’m beholden to serve you forever?

Yeah. That. But an umbrella.

Hey, wanna see an arrangement of words that sums up everything E.L. James has ever written?

Oh, no!

A blond woman

There’s more to that sentence, explaining that the evil blonde temptress is in the kitchen making coffee wearing only a man’s shirt. The only way to deal with this shock that her employer who runs through a wastebasket-full of johnnies every night might have had sex with a woman is to abuse the fuck out of some italics.

Who is this woman with big blue eyes?

Why is she wearing his shirt?  A shirt Alessia had ironed for him only last week.

This woman is with him. She must be. Why else is she wandering around wearing his shirt? She must know him intimately.

Intimately.

I’m as shocked as you are that there wasn’t a third “intimately” tacked on there.

She realizes that he will never be interested in a woman like her.

This is her place. This is what she was raised to do: keep house and look after a man.

 

Demelza from Poldark saying, "I was born to pull turnips"

Now it’s time to go to Moss Troldark’s POV. In a poem I guess.

Alessia  stands in the doorway. A vision in blue.

Slowly she removes her scarf and lets

her plait swing free.

Shake your hair out for me.

She smiles.

Come in. Lie with me. I want you.

But she turns, and she’s in my drawing

room. Polishing the piano. Studying my score.

She’s wearing nothing but pink panties.

I reach over to touch her, but she disap-

pears.

She’s standing in the hall. Eyes wide.

Clutching a broom.

Naked.

She has long legs. I want them wrapped

around my waist.

I shit you not, it’s formatted with weird ass tabs in the middle of sentences. WordPress fucks with the line spacing, but I swear to everything that’s holy, the first lines of the paragraphs start like five spaces before the lines that follow. This is the worst poem ever. He could have summed it up better like,

Roses are red
Demelssia’s blue
I hate being an Earl
I’m gonna go out and do cocaine and fuck somebody probably.

Elizaline wakes Moss up with the promise of coffee and suggests they should go get breakfast or have her butler bring some over. She mentions that she met the new maid and that she’s very young. Then Elizaline tries to get Moss to have sex with her. She accuses him of hating her body, of finding someone else, and Moss is like, I thought you were on your period? You know, since you’re suddenly not pregnant. And Elizaline is like, you told me you don’t mind having sex when someone is on their period and this is the one credit I have to give E.L. James. So far, both of her heroes have been all about the period sex.

But Moss isn’t thrilled that Elizaline remembered that because he’s trying to politely decline sex with her and she is pushy as hell. She starts crying about how she and Kit wanted a baby and had been trying for two years and now, she has nothing.

Hey, Moss? You need to make sure your dick isn’t even in the same room as Elizaline. She’s already made a crack about how you’re too careful not to get anyone pregnant, now she’s aggressively trying to mount you and crying about wanting a baby. Is she even unpregnant? Was she not pregnant in the first place? I will not be surprised in the slightest if she turns out to be scheming a way into inheriting the estates or whatever via entrapment. She’s blonde, and this is an E.L. James novel.

Moss tells Elizaline that their days of grief-nookie are over. He’s like, you haven’t lost everything. You have enough money. I’m letting you stay in the house. I can give you a job.

“You’ll always have me, but not as a diversion, Caro–as a friend and a brother-in-law.”

Caroline sniffs and wipes her nose. She leans back and gazes at me with heartbreaking, watery blue eyes.

“It’s because I chose him, isn’t it?”

Um. Yeah. It’s…because you married his late brother. That’s kind of a big deal.

Elizaline demands to know who the new woman is who’s captured Moss’s attention because obviously, he doesn’t want to fuck her due to another woman and not because he came to his senses and went, huh, you know, I don’t think having sex with my dead brother’s wife just hours after his death was such a great choice, after all.

Moss takes a shower and gets ready to go to breakfast with Elizaline, but he’s super excited about seeing Demelssia before he goes.

She isn’t in the kitchen, so I venture to the scullery, where she’s ironing one of my shirts.

Is “scullery” even a term you guys use across the pond anymore? There are so damn many weird-ass, archaic words. Wastrel. Whoring. Plait instead of braid, scullery instead of the laundry room. How was this not a Poldark modern AU fanfic?!

Moss tells Demelssia to change the sheets in the guest room and that the woman in the house is his sister-in-law. He even introduces them. Elizaline is basically like, why the hell are you introducing me to your housekeeper, but she’s polite and asks where Demelssia is from. And then Moss asks why Demelssia is in London and Elizaline is like, let’s go. I don’t know if it’s supposed to be, “Let’s go,” because she’s callous about the poors or, “Let’s go,” because Demelssia clearly doesn’t want to answer him, but they leave.

In Demelssia’s POV, she thinks,

Sister-in-law.

Kunata.

As she returns to the ironing, she says the words out loud in English and Albanian, and the sound and meaning make her smile.

Remember for later that she’s practicing basic words like names for family members. Trust me. Rage is coming. No, seriously, it doesn’t matter how difficult the language is to grasp. You will rage.

She does her chores and is psyched that the spare bed actually was used. She’s also super extra-psyched to find there are no condoms in the wastebasket. But like. That really doesn’t rule out the possibility that he might have rawed his brother’s wife all over the house.

In Moss’s POV again (just a few paragraphs later), Moss and Elizaline are in a cab. She asks him point blank if the new woman he’s with is Demelssia. Moss denies it and asks Elizaline why her butler, who arranged the first housekeeper for Moss, didn’t tell him there would be a new one, but Elizaline is just like, stop being so fucking weird about your housekeeper.

What I really want is information about Alessia Demachi. I process what I know. Fact one, she’s Albanian, not Polish. I know very little about Albania. What brings her to the UK? How old is she? Where does she live? Does she travel far each morning? Does she live alone?

I could follow her home.

Nope.

Stalker!

I could ask her.

There you go, buddy.

Moss finally admits to himself that he wants to bang his housekeeper, but he knows he can’t, specifically because she’s his housekeeper. Only, he doesn’t think he wants to bang her, he thinks he wants to “bed” her and then I assume he adjusts his tricorn hat. He decides that Demelssia just doesn’t like him, and Caroline agrees:

“She seems terrified of you,” Caroline observes.

So, we have outside confirmation here that Demelssia seems terrified. Not in her POV anymore, for some reason, but she’s still telegraphing terror.

Elizaline is all, she’s got the hots for you, that’s why she doesn’t want to be around you, and again, maybe I’m looking for shit to compare to Poldark, but the first time Elizabeth meets Demelza, it’s the same kind of stilted, oh no, he’s into her, I have to leave this room immediately kind of moment.

In other reasons to dislike Elizaline, she scolds Moss for giving too large a tip to the cab driver.

Inside the restaurant, Elizaline complains about being expected to work for a living, which makes no fucking sense since we already know that she’s rich and has a free house. They talk about how it’s only been two weeks since Kit was buried and Elizaline isn’t ready to have a job yet, and we jump forward to Moss coming home.

I’ll give you negative-six guesses as to what he’s going to find.

Quietly I close the door, but as I stand in the hallway, it becomes apparent that the music is not coming from the sound system. It’s from my piano. Bach. Light and fluid, played with a deftness and understanding I’ve only heard from concert-standard performers.

Alessia?

No, it’s the Ivory Tickling Bandit. He’s been on the loose in London, breaking into people’s houses and giving unsolicited concerts.

She is seated at the piano in her housecoat and scarf, swaying a little, completely lost in the music, her eyes closed in concentration as her hands move with graceful dexterity across the keys. The music flows through her, echoing off the walls and ceiling in a flawless performance worthy of any concert pianist. I watch her in awe as she plays, her head bowed.

She is brilliant.

In every way.

Then she goes from the prelude to the fugue and he’s like, holy shit, she’s not even reading this off of sheet music, she’s doing this from memory.

Good God. She’s a fucking virtuoso.

Concert pianists memorize their repertoire. It’s literally part of the job. Every concert pianist is expected to.

He’s embarrassed that she plays so well and she read his composition. Then he thinks:

What the fuck is she doing cleaning when she plays like this?

IDK, Moss, why do immigrants with medical degrees end up sprinkling sawdust on puke in elementary schools? Oh, wait, ID-do-K. Xenophobia. Not to mention the fact that it’s not like music is a wide open field with paying jobs falling from the trees.

Oliver shows up and rings the doorbell, so Moss is totally caught spying. Demelssia panics and starts tearfully apologizing. She’s so upset, she can’t put her coat on.

“Hey, it’s okay. Here, let me help you with that.” My tone is gentle as I take hold of her coat. It’s every bit as cheap, thin, and nasty as it looks.

Maybe you should buy her a cloak.

The name Michal Janeczek is sewed into the collar. Michal Janeczek? Her boyfriend? My scalp prickles as little hairs on the back of my neck rise. Maybe this is why she doesn’t want to talk to me. She has a boyfriend.

Fuck. The disappointment is real.

I slip her jacket over her arms and shoulders.

Or maybe she simply doesn’t like me.

Good lord. I have my old diaries from middle school and high school and I guarantee I used the phrase, “Maybe he doesn’t like me” about ten thousand times less than Moss says it about Demelssia.

Demelssia vows she’ll never play the piano again, and Moss is like, you can play it any time you want.

She stares at the floor, and I can’t resist. Stepping forward, I reach out and gently tilt her chin so that I can see her face.

“I mean it,” I say. “Anytime. You play so well.” And before I can stop myself, I let my thumb trace her full bottom lip.

And then his body “responds” and he’s like, this is a mistake. Then she runs off and leaves her boots behind and he gets all distressed that they’re falling apart.

She must be penniless if this is what she’s wearing.

Isn’t it a step up from the not-having-shoes thing you thought in the last chapter? Like, did you think she was doing financially fine at that point?

Moss meets with Oliver, who’s like, uh, we don’t have any employment record for that girl. So, you know we’re going to find out she’s in the country illegally.

“Yes. How do you pay her? With cash?”

What the fuck is he implying?

“Yes. Cash,” I snap.

Oliver shakes his head. “You’re the Earl of Trevethick now. She’ll need to go on the payroll.”

“Why?”

Because taxes, dummy. Oliver basically says this, but in much more official terms like, “Her Majesty’s Revenue and Customs,” and “work permit,” which I feel like literally, any human being over the age of twenty would already know, whether they went to college or not. “Don’t pay employees cash under the table, and especially don’t employ people illegally if they don’t have the right immigration status,” is pretty fucking basic stuff.

In Delmessia’s POV, she freaks out about the fact that he touched her and she got caught playing the piano and she left her boots behind and I’m basically skipping the entire section because it is 150% just Demelssia going, “Wow, this thing happened, and then this thing, and this thing, and that’s how I feel about it, yup!” because James couldn’t be bothered to write the scene from POV of the character who would have had the most dramatic reaction to it. But we do learn that soon, Magda and her son, Michal, will be moving to Canada, and Demelssia will be homeless. There’s also a mention of Michal’s Instagram and the selfies they took together, so, you know. Big Misunderstanding in three, two, one…

Back in Moss’s POV, we learn that he has to go visit the estates he’s just inherited and inspect them. And then there’s a fucking ton of repetition about how awful and social climbing his mother is, how devoted and good Kit was, and how Moss was not. More stuff about Kit being the favorite and Moss’s mom not loving her two other kids as much, etc. But if he goes away, he won’t get to see Delmessia, so he gets all spoiled about it and takes it out on Oliver.

And nobody ever mentions being able to see the Thames, so now I have no fucking clue where Moss lives.

My impression so far: Now we’re at the point where I realized the chapters were going to make me weary. So, so weary. If the story would just move along without all the repetition, it wouldn’t be so bad. But every chapter has the characters doing the exact same things:

Alessia:

  • Enters the apartment and notes whether or not the alarm is on.
  • Puts on her housecoat and scarf.
  • Does laundry.
  • Cleans his bedroom and notes whether or not there are condoms in the trash.
  • Gets freaked out by Maxim.
  • Plays the piano.

Meanwhile, Maxim:

  • Wakes up.
  • Thinks about how much he hates his new responsibilities.
  • Thinks about how great Kit was.
  • Thinks about how shitty he is, himself.
  • Meets with Oliver.
  • Turns down Caroline’s obvious attempts to seduce him.
  • Gets drunk.
  • Plays the piano.

It’s so boring because it just rolls on and on in the same way. At least the next chapter takes place at his mines in Cornwall.

No. I’m not joking.

Did you enjoy this post?

Trout Nation content is always free, but you can help keep things going by making a small donation via Ko-fi!

Or, consider becoming a Patreon patron!

78 Comments

  1. Speaking of teenaged diaries, I have better poetry than whatever the fuck that was in a Trapper Keeper from the year I was 14.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  2. Ariel
    Ariel

    “‘Hey, wanna see an arrangement of words that sums up everything E.L. James has ever written?

    Oh, no!

    A blond woman’”

    Aaaah! I laughed and laughed! Brava, Jenny, brava.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  3. Ariel
    Ariel

    “But she turns, and she’s in my drawing

    room. Polishing the piano. Studying my score.

    She’s wearing nothing but pink panties.

    I reach over to touch her, but she disap-

    pears.

    She’s standing in the hall. Eyes wide.

    Clutching a broom.

    Naked.”

    Oh, come on now, E.L. James, you’re just pranking us, right? Soon you’re gonna reveal how this book was some weird revenge on the people who’d scorned you by not praising your previous series, won’t you?

    I mean, how is this real? Writing a weird, ill-fitting, juvenile dream-poem in the middle of a novel is one thing, but including lines like “She’s standing in the hall. Clutching a broom. Naked”? This is Monty Python level shit.
    Is this supposed to be some weird foreshadowing of Maximus Biggus Dickus having a maid fetish? Or a kink for cleaning utensils? And that’s the true reason he’s wildly attracted to Alessia? I just can’t even with this. It’s hilariously bad.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • Ur soooo unromantic! It’s a literal Cinderella story, and we should all be swooning!

      April 23, 2019
      |Reply
      • Ariel
        Ariel

        *Holds that glass slipper the way Uma was wielding her katana in “Kill Bill”*

        Come at me, bro! I am become Cinderella, the destroyer of worlds!

        Oh god, it just occurred to me…what if…what if her next project will be a book of poetry? That would be…terribly glorious.

        April 23, 2019
        |Reply
    • NewFan
      NewFan

      With the comment up top, + this being ‘poetry’, I’m suffering from bad punnery of

      “The Albanian Polish-ing the piano”

      *I will show myself out*

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Ariel
        Ariel

        😀

        But was she polishing it Polishly or Albanianly? We may never know!

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
  4. JessC
    JessC

    How old is Michal? I’m guessing old enough to be involved in a comical misunderstanding as befitting any romcom, but how many adults have their names sewn into their clothes?

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • Laina
      Laina

      Is it bad I just assumed that was the brand and Moss didn’t recognize it because it’s from Walmart or something?

      April 23, 2019
      |Reply
      • JessC
        JessC

        It was pretty much the same interaction as Chedward and Ana at the interview when he got her coat, so I wouldn’t blame you for thinking that.

        April 23, 2019
        |Reply
      • Jules
        Jules

        I completely thought it was a cheapo brand name. WTF puts their name in their clothes. And WTF puts their BF’s name in their clothes? Clearly ELLLL could have come up with a better way to build up to this oh so unexpected misunderdstanding…oh, wait, forgot who I was talking about. Carry on

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • JessC
          JessC

          It would have been so easy to set up the comic misunderstanding – like, Moss saw Michal pick up Demelissa from the window or something. But then that would imply that someone other than Moss is capable of showing a scrap of human decency.

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
        • Ariel
          Ariel

          You know, now i’m wondering, if this isn’t another instance of James ignorantly othering Eastern Europeans a la: „They’re so different, strange, poor and almost childlike, they even have their names stitched on their clothes, like kindergarteners.”

          I mean, if James was trying to come up with a plot point, that’d cause a misunderstanding between two BRITISH or AMERICAN people, would she have thought „name stitched on a coat” was a plausible or appropriate way to do it?

          I’m Polish and i’ve never heard of a single adult doing that. I had my initials stictched on my preschool shoe bag, so it wouldn’t get mixed up with other kids’ bags, but that’s it.

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
    • Anon
      Anon

      The US military makes everyone label their clothing with their names (even underwear). Outside of that, I think it only happens in preschool.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
  5. Ariel
    Ariel

    A few others things:

    1) Damn, Jenny, how are you able to churn out these recaps so quickly? Are you an android? Are you David from “Prometheus”? I’ll be side-eyeing you and your supposed humanity from now on.

    2) So Caroline notices, that Alessia is terrified of Maximus, yet in the next breath she proclaims, that she’s sure Alessia’s attracted to him? I’m glad the Chedward Grullen tradition of interpreting a woman’s fear as sexual interest is still alive. Bless.

    3) Ok, so Alessia lives with a Polish woman and her son (Magda and Michal are Polish names and Janeczek is a Polish surname, I suppose, although it’s usually a nickname version of Jan, so it’s our “Johnny”, but fine.) My question is why? Why is she lodging with Polish people? Not that that’s unbelievable, but i’d like some background information on this supposed main character. How did she end up living at Magda’s place? How is their relationship? What is it, that she misses about home, specifically? Did she leave any friends behind? Why did she choose to play Bach and not Liszt or Chopin? This is chapter six…anything beyond “I like the piano and find my employer attractive” would be good.

    4) Maximus recognises, that his presence makes Alessia uncomfortable and shy at best or really scared at worst, yet he still decides to suddenly lift up her face, so he can see her and then touch her lips with his finger? Again, isn’t this a move straight out of Lord Chedward of Grey’s playbook? At least Maxie isn’t forcing his maid to eat foods she doesn’t like or plying her with alcohol. Yet.

    5) When thinking about ways to find out where his love interest lives, Max Von T’s first impulse is to stalk her. But then he corrects himself. Ok…so James read, that people had a tiiiiny problem with all the stalking and tracking in “50 Shades.” But then why include that thought at all? Is she that incapable of writing a male character, who isn’t a creep? I am confused.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  6. many bells down
    many bells down

    I am rewatching Victoria, and Lord Melbourne also called his wife “Caro” so now I’m mentally casting Maximoss as Lord Byron and trying to make this Victoria fanfic instead.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  7. Dee
    Dee

    Can’t speak for any other Brits, but I most definitely still use ‘scullery’, ‘plait’ and ‘bed’ as a verb. ‘Whoring’ and ‘wastrel’ though…nope.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • AMS
      AMS

      I’m a Brit, and the only word I’d use is plait (I’d never use the word braid – for me that’s American).

      ‘Scullery’ made me smile though as it brought back memories of my gran when I was a child as that’s a word she would have used.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Squim
        Squim

        Yeah, plait is not a weird-ass archaic word, it’s just English for braid. Only Americans say braid. They say plait in NZ and Aus, too. I dunno about Canada, though.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • ShifterCat
          ShifterCat

          We say “braid” in Canada. Our English is an odd mix of British and American, with the occasional pure-Canadianism thrown in.

          April 29, 2019
          |Reply
      • Scottish here, it’s common around my area to just call the kitchen the scullery. Or in the case of my dad, he calls the living room the scullery. ‍♀️

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
    • Squim
      Squim

      I’d use whoring and wastrel, but only jokingly. Scullery only if I was referring to an actual scullery in a big old house (in a modern house I’d call it a laundry room). I’d only use ‘bed’ jokingly too.

      But plait is normal British English.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
    • Xebi
      Xebi

      Me too, but doesn’t he live in a flat? I know it must be a huge posh one, but a flat with a scullery is weird. Probably because I think of a scullery as a thing big old houses had before flats were really a thing.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Nahhah
        Nahhah

        I’m English and I wasn’t really 100% sure what a scullery was! I’m aware of scullery maids from period dramas and I know the word obviously but no one ever says that now… perhaps it’s a utility room? But it seems odd to have a utility room in an apartment (I’d say a flat that’s big and posh and looks out over the Thames is definitely an apartment)… and yes ‘wastrel’ and ‘whoring’ are archaic but could be used jokingly. ‘Plait’ is totally normal though as others have said.

        April 25, 2019
        |Reply
        • Nahhah
          Nahhah

          Oh and as for the random doctor knowing to use his title the moment his brother died? Yes totally unrealistic if it’s a normal doctor in an NHS hospital. And if it was a private doctor who serves the family, fair enough they’d know, but then it just seems massively insensitive! No, we regular Brits are not familiar with peerage and titles. I probably know about as much an American from watching Downton Abbey!

          April 25, 2019
          |Reply
        • ShifterCat
          ShifterCat

          According to Dictionary.com, a scullery is:

          1. a small room or section of a pantry in which food is cleaned, trimmed, and cut into cooking portions before being sent to the kitchen.
          2. a small room or section of a pantry or kitchen in which cooking utensils are cleaned and stored.

          Basically, it’s a sort of food prep station.

          April 29, 2019
          |Reply
  8. MyDog'sPA
    MyDog'sPA

    So in Erica-Leonard-speak, one would write a program language equivalent to the book so far that reads like this:

    (START)
    Do While AWAKE:
    IF Alessia THEN:
    ;Enter flat
    ;Note if alarm is on
    ;Wash laundry
    ;Clean bedroom
    ;IF condom in trash THEN note
    ;IF Maxim PRESENT, THEN FREAK OUT
    ;Play Piano

    IF Maxim THEN:
    ;Think about hating new responsibilities
    ;Think about how great Kit was
    ;Think about how shitty he is
    ;Meet with Oliver
    ;Turn down Caroline’s advances
    ;Get drunk
    ;Play piano
    ;Get boner thinking about granny panties on the housemaid

    IF (conflict) THEN RESOLVE in 1 sentence
    ELSE: GO TO (START)

    Does that pretty much cover it? 🙂

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      Hehehe, that’s perfect.

      April 23, 2019
      |Reply
    • bewalsh7
      bewalsh7

      wow! That’s easier to read and understand for me than this book!

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
    • Sadie Coffey
      Sadie Coffey

      Omg I wish I could <3 this comment.

      April 25, 2019
      |Reply
  9. Tami Marie Alexander
    Tami Marie Alexander

    I would have put this book through a shredder by now and used it for kitty litter. I do not know how you have the patience to read through it — but then, you did go through all the FSoG novels, and I think there’s a special place waiting for you in the Summerlands when you pass from this realm for falling on that sword.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  10. Puff
    Puff

    I have a scullery in my house. We call it a scullery. So yeah, the UK (and ex-colonies) still do that. “Laundry Room” is decidedly American. Also still use “plait” and “to bed” someone. But I actually don’t even know what “wastrel” even means. And “whoring” is so… Victorian? I mean we use the verb in my home language but in English? Not so much.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • Sigyn
      Sigyn

      A wastrel is basically a useless person / waste of space.

      April 23, 2019
      |Reply
      • ShifterCat
        ShifterCat

        My understanding is that a wastrel is a rich asshole who spends his money wastefully.

        April 29, 2019
        |Reply
  11. small jar of fireflies
    small jar of fireflies

    I tried to fix the poem.

    And then I saw my housemaid, clad in bright azure
    Swinging out her long braid, abandoning her scarf demure.
    I wanna see her hair unbraid, and to my bed she’s invited
    But my piano’s all she wants to polish. It’s very unrequited. 🙁

    How’m I supposed to bed her when she’s critiquing my composure
    I’m trying to imagine her panties, but she won’t stop calling me “sir”
    Try to picture her naked — is she gonna hit me with that broom?
    But it’s all a vision, I’m thinking with my dick, alone in a room.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • Sigyn
      Sigyn

      I love it

      April 23, 2019
      |Reply
    • Chris
      Chris

      Whahahahahahahha <3

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
  12. Sigyn
    Sigyn

    this shock that her employer who runs through a wastebasket-full of johnnies every night might have had sex with a woman
    ^ I mean, it could have also been with a man. Or several women. Or several men. Or a mixed bag.

    She realizes that he will never be interested in a woman like her.
    ^ NOT WITH THAT ATTITUDE 😀

    Ahh, (Do Cocaine and) Fuck Somebody Probably. The long-awaited sequel to Call Me Maybe.

    She accuses him of hating her body
    ^ wait, what? Didn’t they just fuck less than 12 hours ago?

    FFS, *Caro*. At least YOU got to fuck your in-law of choice, more than once as it seems. Quit whining at us and go fuck some rando on a dating site like the rest of us.

    “The disappointment is real.” Pretty much describes my feelings about this book.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
  13. Jenny (but not Jenny Trout)
    Jenny (but not Jenny Trout)

    Roses are red
    Demelssia’s blue
    I hate being an Earl
    I’m gonna go out and do cocaine and fuck somebody probably.

    I laughed so hard I cried.

    It’s so boring because it just rolls on and on in the same way. At least the next chapter takes place at his mines in Cornwall.

    No. I’m not joking.

    And then I did it again. I’m purposefully not looking for the recaps while at work. My kids keep asking if I’m dying every time I howl with laughter.

    April 23, 2019
    |Reply
    • I know… I was reading this while the kids were watching TV. FOUR TIMES I got the giggles and couldn’t muffle them enough.

      April 25, 2019
      |Reply
  14. Mike
    Mike

    I can actually speak to the mindset of someone moving to a new country completely alone. I moved to London, alone, didn’t know a soul on the entire continent. And I know a few other people who have made similarly huge moves. And, while it’s not a universal experience, I will say that if your start is a little rough, the first person with whom you will have any sustained contact who is nice to you does tend to get imprinted on like a baby duck…

    I will also say that I’ve heard all of those ‘archaic’ words used. I actually confused a couple people by saying braid instead of plait, a word I had never actually heard previously and had no clue what anyone was talking about… Even with English as my native language and having watched a lot of English movies/shows, there were conversations over there where I felt like everyone was speaking another language entirely. Luckily the person I imprinted on was a friend who would pause their conversations with other people if I went silent, to fill me in so I could keep up and contribute without me even having to say ‘I have no goddamn clue what any of you are talking about…’ so I eventually caught on. And held firm that ‘math’ is more correct than ‘maths’ no matter how many times they’ve tried to convince me otherwise! Gave in on saying ‘toilet’ instead of ‘bathroom’ though…

    Not that I want to defend anything James has written, but those are all actually varying levels of legit.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      Heh, the maths thing always makes me think me of Hugh Laurie snarkily saying “You say math, we say maths…because there are different kiiiiinds of it.”

      British slang can be a bitch. I remember being confused by the “it’s six or half a dozen” thing on a couple of occasions. Also, for the longest time I couldn’t remember whether “half five” meant “half past 5” or “half to 5.” Took me ages to memorise that one.

      I’m really surprised by how many people here say they indeed still hear or use those archaic words…maybe it’s a regional or a class thing, but I used to travel to Nottinghamshire on a regular basis up until a few years ago, and I can’t for the life of me recall anybody using “bed” as a verb or “plait” instead of “braid.” Maybe my memory is failing me… Very curious.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Xebi
        Xebi

        To be fair, those aren’t words that would regularly come up in conversation.

        It’s only now occurred to me that if we say “maths lessons” then we should also say “gyms lessons” because mathematics, gymnastics. But nobody ever accused English of being super consistent.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • Ariel
          Ariel

          All of that is true.

          I’ve seen plait a lot in books, but never heard it spoken. Same with whoring, bedding and scullery. Wastrel just sounds completely archaic to me.

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
      • Mike
        Mike

        I had an argument about the ‘half five’ thing once. I still get them confused sometimes… I understand their justification for ‘maths’, but as said below, ‘math’ is short for mathematics. Plural. So ‘math’ encompasses the plurality 😉 I successfully changed a few minds on that one.

        I’ve never been to Nottinghamshire, but I spent a lot of time in or around Chelsea. You get a heavy mix of slang there. The accent-based class divide is INCREDIBLY obvious there. You can tell where and how someone grew up by the way they speak the second they open their mouths. ‘Plait’ I heard from everyone, but to ‘bed’ someone or ‘scullery’ tended to come from the wealthier folks. That was my experience though. Your mileage may vary.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • Ariel
          Ariel

          Oh yeah, the “half five” thing is demonic. My ex is a Scot raised in England and he’d use it regularly. To a Slavic language speaker like me it was quite frustrating, cos my brain would always insist “well, he could mean half TO five or half PAST five, you better make sure which one he means THIS TIME!”

          Yeah, it’s pretty crazy, that you can pretty much almost always tell, whether someone grew up rich, poor or somewhere in the middle by their accent and verbiage. Especially in London. And the Cockney Rhyming Slang? What kind of deranged genius came up with that?!

          Nottinghamshire is lovely. Beautiful countryside, loads of gorgeous forests and the city of Nottingham is pretty too, especially the historic High Street (great, I sound like a generic guidebook now. ;))

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
    • Anon
      Anon

      I see “plait” or “plaited” in a lot of books, even by American writers. I have never heard it spoken, but I don’t think there has ever been a reason to hear it spoken either on TV shows or in movies or conversations with my British friends. In the US, speaking it’s always “braid,” but writers like “plait.”

      “Maths” is because i’s short for “mathematics,” which obviously ends in “s.” I don’t think either is better. Just different traditions.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Jules
        Jules

        I only know plait because I watch a lot of Great British Bake Off and they had to make plaited bread and I was all WTF is that? Then saw them all braiding their bread and figured it out.

        Any of those words on their own don’t seem too off, but using them all does just add another tick in the Poldark FF column.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      Oh man, the „toilet versus bathroom” debacle reminded me of my own revelation, that „WC” actually stand for „water closet.” See, here in Poland we’ve been using WC designation on bathroom doors for decades, but i never knew it was a custom borrowed from Britain. Funnily enough, it was an American tv series („Sex and the city”) that enlightened me about what the acronym actually stands for. 🙂

      Loanwords are cray.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
  15. Mr. Fell
    Mr. Fell

    Hang on, Alessia is lodging with a polish family she’s apparently friends with, who gives her clothes and company and even found her a job, but she’s astonished by the kindness of her employer lending her a fucking umbrella?
    Because like, I get it, but at the same time, it makes sense for Maxim the posh english guy to pat himself on the back for being so “nice to the help”, but Alessia?

    Also, he’s so nice that he never even asked her where she was from or anythin. That’s how much he cares outside his sexual fantasies.

    “Xenophobia”
    I wish it was only xenophobia, at least you could have luck. In some countries your title just isn’t worth anything or the procedures to get it recognised are so long and expensive that someone who just came to the country wouldn’t have the time or the money to sort that out.

    But that reminds me, the way Alessia is written is starting to sound xenophobic and classist to me, she speaks only broken English and she’s not granted any depth even in her own POV. Especially with the third person present POV that makes it sound like the narrator has to explain to the reader what’s going on in her mysterious foreign tragic head. Which is already a stereotype I don’t like but here we are.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Jules
      Jules

      “Also, he’s so nice that he never even asked her where she was from or anythin. That’s how much he cares outside his sexual fantasies.”

      So far the extent of his “love” for her seems to be that she is a hole he can’t easily access and he is not used to not having access, so he wants it. I don’t see any indication that she is even a human being in his eyes. Just a pretty hole he can stick it in. Though now she is a pretty hole who can also play music. So I guess that’s progress.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Ariel
        Ariel

        Yup.

        I’ve been reading Jenny’s recaps of “Grey” recently and also remembering how James wrote the initial relationship in “Fifty Shades” and this is exactly how she portrays Chedward. Both him and Maximus are nearly incapable of seeing the women they’re interested as people. They’re just pretty sex objects they can project their sexual fantasies onto. The only difference is, Chedward’s fantasies are more violent.

        And if, by some miracle one of the male characters actually notices something about the women they’re pursuing, that isn’t sex-related, then it’s always always something the women are either extraordinarily good at (Alessia’s piano playing), that elevates them above All Other Unworthy Common Women or something the male character is proficient at as well.

        Alessia’s allowed to play the piano, but only because Maximus can play too and owns his own instrument. Likewise, Ana’s given the love of books in general and classic literature in particular, but Chedward knows all about it too (and makes sexist assumptions based on her taste – she loves Brit Lit, so she muuuust love Austen and Brontes and stuff, because ”wimmin be lovin’ that hearts and flowers shit, amirite?”) and already owns a first edition of „Tess Of The D’Ubervilles”, that he sends her.

        Maybe i’m reaching here, but it seems like the women’s interests always exist in relation to the male characters. They can never have hobbies, the men don’t have a clue about, because that would separate them as unique, fully formed individuals. And that can never happen, since in the E.L. James world the women exist to cater to the needs of men. Be those needs sexual, emotional or simply ego-stroking.

        If Ana was a proficient mixed martial arts fighter, that would make Cheddie feel insecure and we can’t have that.

        If Alessia turned out to be a savvy business woman, who used to own a couple of furniture stores in Albania until she was kidnapped, that would puncture the fantasy James and Maximus have of her; that she’s an innocent, helpless, stuttery and virginal victim whose purpose in the story is 1) to be Not Like Other Girls 2) to get rescued.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      “But that reminds me, the way Alessia is written is starting to sound xenophobic and classist to me, she speaks only broken English and she’s not granted any depth even in her own POV. Especially with the third person present POV that makes it sound like the narrator has to explain to the reader what’s going on in her mysterious foreign tragic head.”

      *flails arms like Kermit*

      That’s what i’ve been saying! She’s not a fully formed character; she’s an amorphous idea of a “pure, poor foreign girl.” She’s essentially a walking trope. Uff.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Mr. Fell
        Mr. Fell

        Yeah. I think I was giving it the benefit of the doubt, wondering if I was too sensitive, but after this chapter nope and all that big deal about a fucking umbrella, nope. It’s gone. And it makes all the previous chapters look worse.

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • Ariel
          Ariel

          The umbrella bit slayed me. 🙂

          How Maximus goes from:

          „Oh my god, look at my selfless thoughtfulness, i gave her something to protect her from the rain, i’m Florence Nightingale, nay, i am better!”

          to:

          „Nah, i just gave it to her, cause i’m hoping to get into those erotic granny-panties of hers! I can’t help thinking with my dick! Woe and lamentations!”

          was just too funny.

          So you’re saying you’re a spoiled, sex-obsessed asswipe, who is completely unaccustomed to doing nice things for people, Max?

          Be still my beating heart! This is the romantic hero for the ages! I am feverish with desire! Someone dunk me in the Thames!

          Greek chorus: The Thames you can see from his apartment?

          Yes, that one! Quickly, lest my lust set my womanly flesh afire!

          Greek chorus: Ok, but you can totally see the Thames from his apartment…

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
  16. Xebi
    Xebi

    “remember when Ross bought Demelza a cloak in the Masterpiece Theater version (the only version I know) and she was like, thanks, now I’m beholden to serve you forever?

    Yeah. That. But an umbrella.”

    Is that…like…the opposite of “Master has given Dobby a sock! Dobby is a free elf!”

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
  17. Gretel
    Gretel

    This book is a case study for white British colonial imagination. It covers it all:

    – class: no critical analysis of aristocratic wealth and that one person now owns 0.01% of England; EL downplays the vast wealth of the evil temptress; meanwhile she also serves poverty porn –> Alessia is pure because she’s innocent AND poor, she runs around like a 19th c. child worker even though she lives apparently for free in someone else’s house and probably also escaped with a few possessions; Maxim giving her an umbrella, which the most basic form of human decency, is seen as a grand gesture worthy of praise and adoration

    – sexism: the whore-vs-virgin dichotomy; even when Maxim has consensual casual sex the women ar vilified like that Leticia lady who was presented as obnoxious; also we haven’t seen a single working woman that isn’t employed by Maxim, the rest are either fuck buddies or out to get themselves sugardaddies, none have a job past maybe secretary or “the wife of” except for Alessia and her job counts as an “unskilled labor”

    – racism/xenophobia: Maxim has no frame of reference for this because EL doesn’t either. Of course an immigrant works as cleaning staff and if they have a hidden talent then there’s no correlation to Britains ingrained racism. And I bet the book will present Alessia’s lack of professional piano career as something that is a result of trafficking, not because of xenophobia; also note that EL sees immigrants working in “low jobs” because that seems to be the natural order for her and Alessia’s skill is presented more as an artistic skill, not a profession she might have worked and trained for for years, other skilled immigrants with degrees in various fields don’t exist; also Alessia being artistically gifted makes her less threatening, if she was an engineer she’d probably not be as welcome and be seen as a threat for white people, taking away their jobs but artists are different, it’s not their job or profession to be excellent and they have of course never visited school and gotten degrees, no, they’re just geniuses and geniuses flow free between borders…

    It’s really gross how Maxim touches her face because he has no consent to lift her chin and touch her lips. She’s his employee and he just ignored bodily boundaries and autonomy. He can’t know that he has an effect on her (no matter how unbelievable) and even then she might not want to persue that attraction. People are often attracted to others and do NOT want to give in to it because of many reasons. In this scenario probably because their hierarachical relationship is against Alessia’s favor. Plus, she doesn’t know him, at all, and after her tragic past she should be way more vary of a dude who just casually touches her after he caught her doing something forbidden.
    Honestly, if I was in her situation, I’d think he’s propositioning sex to let me play the piano. This is the vibe he’s giving me.

    “Yes, foreign and penniless woman who I have economically under control and could potentially report to authorities and get deported, I will let you play my precious piano. If…”

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Mr. Fell
      Mr. Fell

      Now that you mentioned colonialism (also glad I’m not the only one who noticed that, I just thought uni was fucking with my brain) there is also

      1) Alessia comes from the countryside, colonialism has a un unfortunate tradition of “colonized people are closer to nature” bullshit AND xenophobes like to imagine that all immigrants are poor skilled workers from backward places. Rarely the immigrant character comes from, say, Hong Kong or Lima or Warsaw.

      2) The Virgin Mary imagery. Aside from the Madonna – Whore implications, British cultures has not the greatest track record with Catholics and I have seen way too many white protestants going “catholics => superstitious poor people with idols (who by absolute coincidence are also brown or the wrong kind of white)”.

      The “she is so pure” thing also had unfortunate implications both because of the colonialism thing and because I’ve heard racist brits talk about Eastern Europeans.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Gretel
        Gretel

        >1) Alessia comes from the countryside […]

        Absolutely. That’s part of the poverty porn I mentioned though I didn’t express it as clearly as you did but yes, immigrants are unskilled, poor and from the countryside, as if many only ever saw pastures, cows and holes as toilets. It’s the fetishization of poverty and other cultures.

        > I have seen way too many white protestants going “catholics => superstitious poor people with idols (who by absolute coincidence are also brown or the wrong kind of white)”.

        I’m not British myself but I’ve heard and read enough about Anglo-Saxon culture and cultural beliefs and I also agree. Catholics are the poor and uneducated. The civilized are protestant, urban and of course, white.

        > I’ve heard racist brits talk about Eastern Europeans.

        That doesn’t surprise me at all. In fact, Eastern Europeans and Southern Europeans weren’t considered white in racial discourse and to this day this believe exists though not racially denominated with the “Slavic features” and other stereotypes. The top of the racial hierarchy (“Aryans”) did NOT include Eastern or Southern Europeans and certainly not other “races” like Jews, Roma/Sinty or other minorities.
        I’ve read a few original and secondary sources on the topic and German, Dutch and British “scientists” only counted a few nations as actually being white and those closer to white are only white when compared to other people who are more obviously dark skinned.

        We Spanish people weren’t seen as white people when I was a kid and even before, when the large migration happened. When the Yugoslav War started, the fleeing immigrants weren’t seen as white either. They were “Yugoslavs” and Muslims and lazy and uneducated because that’s how they genetically were. There are still traces of this racism against people from the Mediterranean and former Yugoslav countries but now the worst “enemy” are Muslims (and feminists).

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
        • Mr. Fell
          Mr. Fell

          Not only that, but depending on when you look at it, even being “British” wasn’t enough, you had to be /English/, because the English are /Anglo-saxons/ while everyone is Celtic, all of them, but especially Ireland.
          I wonder why! /s
          I even remember early Victorian texts where they really tied race to nationality and they were complaining that people were reading /French/ novels, so they were going to become corrupt and degenerates because of all that Frenchness.

          Regarding Eastern European women, there is a specific racist trope according to which they are “true women, who still know how to submit to a man! Not like our women corrupted by feminism!” and that’s what I keep thinking of now. Like, Maxim even says she’s the only “not bold and self-assured” woman he knows.

          > We Spanish people weren’t seen as white people when I was a kid and even before, when the large migration happened.
          I wish we had a way to discuss this in English which didn’t fall under the “white/not white” dicotomy because I don’t know how old are you but when my father knew a lot of latinos who moved to Spain back in the day so “we Spanish weren’t seen as white” for a moment short-circuited my brain (I get what you mean though).
          But yeah, the concept of whiteness is so tied up to privilege and who is in command.

          >but now the worst “enemy” are Muslims (and feminists)
          In my country we had a xenophobic separatist party who is now insisting we all need to stay together to fight the muslisms (and the evil EU, of course) (unless we need the EU to fight muslims!).

          April 24, 2019
          |Reply
          • Gretel
            Gretel

            >even being “British” wasn’t enough, you had to be /English/

            Yep. Whiteness in racism discourse is relative and can be changed according to the needs of those in power.

            >Regarding Eastern European women, there is a specific racist trope according to which they are “true women, who still know how to submit to a man! Not like our women corrupted by feminism!” and that’s what I keep thinking of now. Like, Maxim even says she’s the only “not bold and self-assured” woman he knows.

            Oh, yeah, certainly. Her not knowing the language and being meek and insecure is what attracts him in the first place. There’s something insidious in the fact that he actually likes her not being able to communicate what she wants as clearly as a native speaker.
            It also reminds me of the non-human women trope where they don’t know human culture and are like innocent children who need to be taught how to be human.

            There’s an interesting video by Pop Culture Detective regarding the “Born Sexy Yesterday” trope: https://youtu.be/0thpEyEwi80

            >my father knew a lot of latinos who moved to Spain back in the day

            I get what you mean. Unfortunately, whiteness is used as a factor in racism. What I meant to say was that whiteness is relative. The WASP is the “real” white person and everyone else is measured against it and other white Europeans are only in comparison to other skin colors seen as white. The goal posts keep moving because racism is not based on logic or science but on fear and anxiety of the Other.
            What I meant is that e.g. Spanish people IN Switzerland weren’t seen as “white”, meaning as part of the same race. Only compared to even less “desirable” foreigners did they suddenly seem “less bad”. It’s merely reflecting the racist hierarchy.
            And to come back to the quote above: yes, latin@s in Spain don’t have it easy. At all. The colonial and imperial ideas are alive and well in Spain. It’s the younger generation – much like anywhere else – that’s slowly changing. But racism’s also powerful in Spain, there’s no denying that.
            And I have heard people talk about South and Central America in derogatory ways. The mindset for many people, especially older generations, is still a kind of mourning of losing the “Great Empire” and Spain’s power, including with a sense of superiority.
            So when I was talking about whiteness in relation to Spanish people I exclusively meant the experiences of Spanish immigrants in Switzerland (because that’s what I know best) and how whiteness shifts and how Spanish have white privilege in regards to other people, especially in Spain.

            >But yeah, the concept of whiteness is so tied up to privilege and who is in command.

            Exactly.

            >In my country we had a xenophobic separatist party who is now insisting we all need to stay together to fight the muslisms (and the evil EU, of course) (unless we need the EU to fight muslims!).

            Same. Switzerland has had a very strong and xenophobic far-right wing party for decades and they serve as a template to parties like the AfD or FPÖ. People have uncovered ties, the movement of people and ideas, as well as monetary support moving around.
            It’s a giant clusterfuck, to say the least.

            April 25, 2019
  18. People ask me all the time, why are you cleaning hotel rooms when you could be making lots of money drawing?

    Well, if I could be making lots of money drawing pictures, I wouldn’t be here cleaning, and since I’m obviously here cleaning rooms, it means that no, I can’t make lots of money drawing pictures. No one wants to pay to have something drawn for them. Especially at the level at which I draw.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Hek
      Hek

      Trust me. I draw/paint on a “professional” level on a good day, and most people will still not want to pay you, or at least pay you enough to pay your bills.

      April 25, 2019
      |Reply
  19. Anon
    Anon

    Self-care is absolutely important. Funny thing, I like to read while I have downtime at work, so I kept checking and then it posted about five minutes before I leave. So it’s my distraction today instead. 🙂

    Who knew umbrellas were so erotic? I guess they’re a little phallic. I don’t think it’s stretching at this point to see Poldark in anything mildly Poldark-like. It’s pretty clear she ripped it off entirely and just changed a few minor details. There are just too many for that not to be the case.

    “Oh, no!

    “A blond woman”

    It really does sum it up. That’s so perfect. I’d say she did it on purpose, but we all know better.

    “This is her place. This is what she was raised to do: keep house and look after a man.”

    Someone give Eel a calendar with the year printed HUGE.

    “You’ll always have me, but not as a diversion, Caro–as a friend and a brother-in-law.”

    “Caro”? What a weird way to shorten her name. It reads like he stopped himself in the middle to say something else.

    “I could follow her home.” WTF I guess at least he realized it was a creepy idea …

    How is he concluding she’s brilliant “in every way.” Obviously, he’s witnessing a gifted musical talent, but beyond that, he’s barely spoken to her.

    “It’s every bit as cheap, thin, and nasty as it looks.”

    Charming.

    “Maybe this is why she doesn’t want to talk to me. She has a boyfriend.”

    Yep. Once you’re part of a couple, you are no longer able or allowed to speak to anyone of the opposite gender again. Or the same gender if you’re gay. Or … whatever. Bisexuals have it really rough. They can’t speak to ANYONE!

    Had to look it up, but now I know why she picked Albania — it’s not yet an EU country. I may have this a bit wrong, but I think if you live in an EU country, you can pretty freely and easily travel to and work and live in another EU country. However, that whole setup confuses me, so maybe you have to do more. Either way, Albania makes her not an EU citizen.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Joanne
      Joanne

      Yes, you’re completely right about Albania. Poland would have been the more obvious choice, but its citizens (currently) have the right to work in the UK as part of EU free movement. Albania is not part of the EU so there is no free movement- it would be very hard for an Albanian citizen to end up working legally as a domestic in London.

      I’m not sure if that constitutes research on James’ part, but honestly the more interesting thing would be how she deals with the legal ramifications- which get really complicated really fast. I assume that’s how Oliver Warleggan will betray Max, by reporting Demelza to the UK visa and immigration authority… (Such a blatant rip off of Poldark, I can’t be bothered to keep the names straight. Jenny, I don’t think you’re imagining any of the links you see…)

      About ‘wastrel’, ‘whoring’ and ‘bedding’, I think they’re supposed to indicate a sort of arch self-awareness. ‘Why yes I am the sort of highly intelligent and comedically gifted fellow who would use this slightly obscure phrasing for your amusement.’ It’s just not handled well because James’ isn’t a skilled writer.

      April 27, 2019
      |Reply
  20. Errapel
    Errapel

    I’m a Brit, and I’ve always referred to having plaits rather than braids. We also have a scullery, which my father keeps pottery skulls in because terrible puns are his duty as a father.

    I can’t say whether these words are in common usage though.

    Are you sure they’re in London? How can we be sure if he can’t see the Thames?

    I’m glad I’m hearing this reviewed by a romance/erotica writer and fan. I’m neither, so I’m unfamiliar with the tropes. And I have a harder time differentiating between ‘This is something specific to EEL, and is terrible’ and ‘This is a pretty common trope in romance/erotica, I just don’t like it.’

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
  21. Izzy
    Izzy

    Realising that following a woman home is creepy and inappropiate is such a low bar for James to have limped over but you just know she was patting herself on the back for it. ‘See,’ *pat pat* ‘I do listen to the haters.’

    I swear each chapter contains a trope I hate. This time it was the chin lift to force eye contact. If it’s something I’ve seen a bad guy do in a movie, maybe don’t have your romantic lead do it, yeah?

    The Mister obviously won’t have the merchandising FSoG had but if anyone were to make a coffee mug with “Oh no, a blond woman” on it…well I’m not saying I’d buy it but it would make me happy to know it exists.

    I look forward to the next chapter where I assume nothing happens and Moss and Demelissa are confirmed still hot. I do so worry about that.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
    • Jules
      Jules

      I just hope we find out if the Thames is still there. I’m worried. Did it get moved? Did Moss not like it anymore and have it dredged? What has happened to it?

      I’m going to London in September, will the Thames be put back in time?!!??!

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
      • Ariel
        Ariel

        You better put a tracker on the Thames, just to be safe.

        What if evil Caroline decides to steal it as a part of a brillant plan to get pregnant? You never know, those gold digging whores are capable of anything!

        April 24, 2019
        |Reply
    • Ariel
      Ariel

      Ahahaha!

      Well, now i want a „Oh no, a blonde woman” mug!

      I hope you’re happy!

      God, i hate, hate, hate the „lift her chin, so i can look at her, regardless of what she wants” trope! Whyyyy? It’s so unnecessary and uncomfortable. If she’s not looking at you, there’s probably a reason for it; don’t fucking force it. How about you ask her about it, huh? Maybe she’s shy. Maybe she has social anxiety. Maybe she’s feeling self-concious, ’cause her make up’s smudged. Urrrrggghh.

      April 24, 2019
      |Reply
  22. SaintSithney
    SaintSithney

    Honestly, I can’t wait to find out that Kit’s real name was “Kitruvius Kittering Kitondrious Kittletwang”, after a long line of distinguished uncles, all of whom died in the Colonies, and none of whom had chins.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
  23. Kimberley
    Kimberley

    It is insulting to think the writer (not typing name) thinks readers are SO dumb they BELIEVE he looked in the coat, READ a label, and ASSumed it was a boyfriend’s name!!!! WHO PUTS A BOYFRIENDS NAME IN THE LINING OF THE JACKET? LOL Fuck. Come on.

    LOVE the review!!!!! Can’t wait for mooooore, please. “Can I have s’mooooore?!”

    A fan ♥

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
  24. Isidra
    Isidra

    I hate to say it, but I do find Maxim (Ross) quite a bit more likable than Christian (Edward) was. I mean, he’s still blind, presumptive, and with some serious boundary issues, but he does kind of seem like he’s got a basic sense of human decency and isn’t a raving abusive monster?

    I’ll take what I can get, honestly.

    April 24, 2019
    |Reply
  25. Amalthea
    Amalthea

    Huh, I always thought a braid and a plait were two different things – I would use plait for the simple version using just three strands of hair together, and braid for the more complex version incorporating more strands of hair as you go. Language is funny.

    These recaps really want to make my watch Poldark, and remind me of why I tend to avoid Modern AUs on AO3.

    April 25, 2019
    |Reply
    • Rhoda
      Rhoda

      I thought braid meant lots of little ones and plait for one long plait.

      April 26, 2019
      |Reply
  26. shel
    shel

    Okay, anbody else watch Miraculous: Tales of Ladybug & Cat Noir?

    It’s a superhero cartoon with secret identities… anyway, the main characters out of their superhero garb are classmates and when they first meet the girl thinks he’s mean and stuck up due to a misunderstanding, but then the lends her an umbrella at the end of the school day because it’s raining and she falls in love with him…

    Hmm….

    April 25, 2019
    |Reply
  27. thegreatdragon
    thegreatdragon

    This book fricken sucks

    April 26, 2019
    |Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *