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State Of The Trout: Fits and Bursts and Bits and Pieces

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The year of Chaotic Creativity is…really quite something, so far. It might seem from the lack of recent posts here that I haven’t been doing much. Boy. Howdy.

Once I accepted two very important things, my creativity exploded. Those two things: my brain doesn’t work on a schedule and I’m not a failure if I don’t finish something every single day. As a result, I’ve been chugging along, putting bits and pieces into both blog business and the following things:

  • a children’s book
  • two small-town romances
  • a massive fantasy novel/world
  • learning to draw furry art
  • figuring out how to rap and writing a diss track about the haters
  • planning out twenty episodes of a comedy podcast I’d like to launch this year
  • designing things to put on t-shirts and other merch
  • a stream-of-consciousness memoir

Now, will any of this pan out? Who the hell knows? I’m using the patchwork approach to my blog and my Patreon and multiple other projects that must be released this year, like Queen of Hell (the sequel to Nightmare Born) and In The Blood (the first of hopefully many monster-fucking books I’ll release as Jennifer Morningstar), so I feel like please expect everything to come in fits and bursts and let’s see how this approach works going forward. But I can honestly say that this is the most creatively fulfilled and positive I’ve felt in a really, really long time. The other day, I wrote so much by hand that I ran out a whole brand new ink pen.

Also, you know those afghans people crochet or knit that have colors based on the temperature every day? And then at the end of the year, it’s like, here’s my blanket that shows what the weather has been like?

I made one of those, but different.

This is my pain blanket on the last day of January:

A wavy-stripe afghan of many colors, stretched out on a table.

Every day, I keep track of the pain that I’m in and assign it a level based on the standard numerical pain scale. I would show you a physical example of which colors correspond to which pain level, but I spilled coffee on my bujo page where I’d made this lovely layout with pieces of the yarn and their colors and the dye lot. We’re gonna just settle on this.

2 – dark blue
3 – less bright teal
4 – bluish-white
5 – surgical scrubs green
6 – light brown/gray
7 – very light green
8 – darker brown
9 – obnoxiously bright teal
10 – obnoxiously bright sky blue

There is no 0 or 1 because I have not had a 0 or 1 day since 2009 and it would be a waste of yarn.

This will be the only time I’ll be able to show it to you spread out on a table. This section is actually about 50″ wide, so you’re only seeing a very small bit of it. When it’s done and blocked, it’ll be big enough for a queen-sized bed (if I did the math right). I started off with an actual blanket pattern, then I was like, nah, I’ll just do row after row of shells. It’s easier for watching tv and not paying attention, it will look the same on both sides, and it will catch up faster when I have days I can’t work on it. One row for each day, Pima cotton because if I’m spending a year on it, so I  want it to be sturdy.

And at the end of the year, when all is said and done, I’ll have a fine blanket to snuggle up in and a cool visual reminder that I’m not a superhuman who is choosing to fail at life. I am a disabled person who has to fight through tons and tons and tons of pain and if you consult that there chart for January, I’m finding out that I’m in worse shape than I thought.

Buffy/Angel Recaps are ending. After the events of the weekend, I can no longer pretend that separating the art from the artist is possible for me in this case. When I watch the show now, all I see are abused and traumatized young women. I’m so pissed off at Joss Whedon for abusing actors that the fandom had come to love as their real, human selves. I can’t watch my “friends” anymore knowing they were in such a terrible situation. It doesn’t feel right. I know this is disappointing and it sucks, but as more and more about Joss has leaked out over the years, the reality was getting harder and harder to overcome.

Finally, I bring you the gossip that you deserve: I know I said I was never, ever, ever going to give her publicity again, but I thought this was definitely petty enough to post. Jamie McGuire, writer of the infamous “cum-burping gutter slut” line, now has an OnlyFans.


Jamie McGuire's OnlyFans page, which features a header photo collage of her in a black bustier and circa 2007 Lindsay Lohan makeup making sexy faces (including biting her lip). Her userpic is her in a skimpy red bikini and some kind of baseball hat

But it’s only for stuff about her books. Nothing dirty. Just stuff about her books. And art. The cleavage and bikini and fuck-me-face and “Single Mom” on a website mostly used to sell adult content is just how you make it in the books and art world.

Look. I don’t care if someone has an OnlyFans account, okay? Maybe I’ll set up an OnlyFans account and it will just be me staring vacantly into the camera while I eat eggs. And I don’t know what kind of content she has on there. It might be nudes and I not paying ten dollars to look at freckly middle-aged caucasian skin. I’m just not into it, okay? I’ve got literally yards of my own. But even if she’s on there spreading beaver, fine. She has the right to do that. Not my beaver, not my business.

What is my business is that a woman who has made it her life’s mission to call other women sluts and whores and even ran for office as a misogynist piece of GOP anti-choice trash has her cups runnething over on a site associated with sex work. I don’t care if someone gets their tits out on the internet for profit. I do care if someone gets their tits out for profit while maintaining that only sluts and whores lose their virginities or whatever the fuck she was trying to get across in her pointless books. The constant hypocrisy that rolls like a tide of sewage onto the medical-waste-strewn beach of the Christian conservative thought process never ceases to disgust me.

Bonus, she’s taking a vacation right now. In Jamaica, a country with hit-or-miss medical care facilities. During the pandemic.

And you know she’s probably a fucking anti-masker.

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Here for the first time because you’re in quarantine and someone on Reddit recommended my Fifty Shades of Grey recaps? Welcome! Consider checking out my own take on the Billionaire BDSM genre, The Boss. Find it on AmazonB&NSmashwords, iBooks, and Radish!


  1. Anna

    I read the news about Whedon and immediately thought about your recaps–and especially the misogynistic stuff that was lurking under the surface that you pointed out. I like to think that your recaps started the larger cultural awakening to whedons douche-baggery–they certainly were for me!

    February 16, 2021
    • Rowan

      Yeah, I saw the news and thought, “I bet this means Jenny’s recaps are ending.” Been sorta waiting for that announcement ever since

      February 16, 2021
  2. Sarah Shay
    Sarah Shay

    “Not my beaver, not my business.”

    Damn I have to work that one in a conversation at least once this week!!

    February 16, 2021
  3. Zev

    Your recaps helped me think more critically about “Buffy,” and for that I thank you. I was intrigued by counts #2 (Buffy and Giles), #3 (Joyce being a bad parent) and whichever count noted that Buffy was an emotionally abusive partner. I spotted some instances on my own through rewatching the show multiple times and was looking forward to your recaps. This wasn’t intended as a passive-aggressive remark, but a, “I wonder if we thought along the same lines.” And I just Googled it and uh, wow, I found essays I’d been hoping for.

    TW for references to domestic abuse and assault
    I hadn’t done that until now because I first tried talking to a few fellow “Buffy” fans once. We were all DV survivors. I could not have been more offensive to them by stating my opinions. They were furious. They LOVED Spike and Angelus, denied any abuse or assault had occurred, were SO upset with me pointing out the obvious, and followed me around lecturing me for not finding Spike or Angelus hot. I quietly informed them I was not interested in watching “Angel,” either, told them to leave me alone, and that got me more lectures. My skin crawls at the memory. It’s why I don’t talk about shows I like with too many people anymore.
    END TWs

    I saved a list of episodes I watch every year, and every year, it’s been getting shorter and shorter. Every time I remove a few episodes from the list, I note why. The paragraphs of why are longer than the episode list by far. I’m glad I’m doing this for myself, and part of me is a little sad each time. Tonight, though, I’m seriously wondering if I should rewatch episodes at all. The show had a huge impact on me, and it feels like a loss.

    Thank you for all the work that you did on the recaps.

    February 17, 2021
    • Dove

      Yeah. I always appreciate having some good critical analysis of a show or movie because I think it’s super important to really examine them. I get why some fans have a kneejerk reaction, it makes them feel defensive, and unfortunately, a lot of romance in media is portrayed in an unhealthy way so it’s legitimately harder to spot and accept when it’s terrible, but at the same time, I feel like there are still so many fans who wrap up their entire identity within their given fandoms without any further thought and that’s not good. The ones who are determined to be right at any cost are the worst.

      February 21, 2021
  4. Angélique

    I don’t blame you but I’m sorry real life has ruined those shows for you. John Rogers, the creator of Leverage, said something about this on Twitter about how TV shows are collaborative endeavors and so it’s not just Joss Whedon’s work you have a relationship with and you don’t have to stop loving stories and characters a ton of other people also poured their passion and time into just because of one asshole. I’m not sure if I completely agree with it, because let’s face it a lot of Joss’ worse traits definitely bled through in the writing but I thought that was an interesting point. I know SMG is still proud to be associated with Buffy and creating that character even if she doesn’t want to be associated with Whedon.

    February 17, 2021
    • Jules

      I have such mixed feelings about this. I agree that Buffy isn’t Joss. Even when it first ran I had some issues with the show but there were things about it I loved and I’m not sure how much those things are Joss and how much the rest of the cast and crew.

      As hard as it is for us fans, I can’t imagine the complicated feelings of the casts and crews he worked with who either didn’t know what was happening, didn’t know the extent of it or dealt with it in the best way they could because they needed the job.

      Sarah should 100% be proud of her work as Buffy. She is one of the things I always did and will continue to love about the show. It just sucks that her biggest legacy is attached to that asshole.

      Knowing more and more what was going on behind the scenes does explain most of what I hated about the show, which was the misogynistic undertones hidden behind a wall of “she beats up bad guys so this is totally a feminist show!” It really wasn’t. It could have been, it should have been, but there is just too much of Joss in it to ever really have been.

      Jenny was very good at pointing out just how not feminist it could be. I appreciated the recaps for that, because it put words to thinks I was feeling but couldn’t quite wrap my head around. I also completely get why she wouldn’t want to continue.

      February 18, 2021
      • Angélique

        I think it’s fine to like the show for what it is tbh, I don’t feel the need to call it a feminist show (it really, really isn’t) to justify my enjoyment of it. I have a very “yes it is trash but it’s my trash” approach to the Buffyverse. It’s different when there’s real people suffering behind the scenes though.

        February 19, 2021
        • Dove

          Yes, exactly. We shouldn’t apologize for what we like when it’s just “oh, the quality is bad, terrible execution” but when you know real people were harmed, especially when it was persistent and not random stunt accidents, you really have to decide how much you like this thing that you used to watch.

          February 21, 2021
  5. Cooper

    I’m sad to hear there will be no additional recaps, but I fully understand and support your reason for ending them and I thank you from the bottom of my heart for the ones you did release. I’ve read and reread them many times while waiting on new ones and recently realized it’s because I’ve come to enjoy them more than re-watching the show itself. It’s the end of an era.

    I can’t wait to dive into the new series; you had me at monster fucking.

    February 17, 2021
  6. Bookjunk

    Yay, for you doing so well!

    February 18, 2021
  7. Jon

    Totally understand your decision to end the recaps. Can’t say I won’t miss them. Broadly agreeing with the other comments that you brought out and articulated a lot of the problematic aspects of the show and/or the characters.

    I will also probably make reference to #8 for a long time to come!

    February 20, 2021
  8. Gretel

    I’m very happy that your creativity has come back and that you’re enjoying your creative freedom! Letting go of the idea that only a specific type of work/work ethic is correct is a great choice. I also had to adjust my expectations and have come to appreciate granting myself more lenience and freedom. I can handle my depression much better this way.

    Your blanket is super cute, but it’s also sad to see that pain is always there. I hope your chaotic creativity helps you emotionally during bad days. <3

    Honestly, tossing the Buffy recaps is a good choice. There's a point of no return and I've had that with a couple of creative people (like that certain British author who's also a T*RF) and I cannot enjoy what I once loved without constantly – and I mean CONSTANTLY – thinking about the abuse they spread.

    Apart from the hipocrysy, which you so eloquently put, I'm also baffled at how she's had cosmetic surgery and it looks awful. I'm not criticising her for the surgery itself, but rather about the awful quality. I don't understand how people pay quite a hefty sum to feel prettier and then the job is just…awful.
    So much money thrown out the window to look like a hard-plastic doll, smoothed over to look as generic and bland as possible. I think cosmetic surgery is better when it enhances a person's charasteristics instead of eliminating any personality.

    February 20, 2021
    • Dove

      Agreed! The blanket is gonna be lovely and at least it counts as a good frame of reference but it sucks that there’s that much pain to manage.

      Regarding our Barbie-wannabee, I don’t think anyone wants more of her nasty personality shining through… but yeah, it’s a shame. As always, she’s pretending to be just another Stepford Wife; uncritical of herself yet vicious when spreading the same Evangelical lies that she bought into.

      February 21, 2021
  9. Margar

    Love love love your chaotic creative updates also, I just have to ask, will you name it your hurt/comfort blanket when it’s finished? Lol. But seriously, that’s a wonderful concept for a project- I’m a sucker for art/craft that makes experiences into physical objects and I think the colors you’ve chosen are really beautiful. Wishing you many rows of dark blue

    February 21, 2021
  10. Indigo

    McGuire was raving about vaccines mutating your DNA before the pandemic even started. She’s definitely not masking up.

    February 23, 2021
  11. Tez Miller
    Tez Miller

    This might be awkward for JMcG if she tries to get a political career going again. (She was disqualified from her primary because she hadn’t lived in her electorate long enough to make the minimum requirement.) Because her fellow Republicans will use her OnlyFans against her if she runs again and fulfills the residency requirements. Not sure if she thought this through.

    February 23, 2021
  12. Just fell from planned creating into “Heck, there are no rules and I can do what ever I want” as well. Still stands to see whether any of it actually turns into something finished, but I love loving creating for a change. ^^

    February 24, 2021
  13. Jamie

    I’m just here to say I love you Jenny. Your blog posts make my day. Yay for creativity explosions!

    February 25, 2021
  14. Stormy

    If she rebrands as sex-positive and people buy it, I’m gonna scream.

    And I, too, often self-promote my day job with pictures of me in a bikini and lots of cleavage. It’s profesh af. And it’s not slutty when I do it because I’m [takes a deep breath] NOT LIKE OTHER WOMEN!!!!!

    February 26, 2021
  15. taylor

    may you have many many 2-4 days and as few 8-10 days as possible. (i have chronic pain as well, but what really messes up my day-to-day life is having tremors from a TBI back in college).

    also, yeah, totally unimpressed with jamie mcguire’s onlyfans. (idc if people HAVE them, but if i remember correctly i read one of her actual books and only managed to get through it without throwing it across the room because it was a library book.)

    March 3, 2021
  16. Well… I figured the Buffy recaps would come to a standstill and eventually end either with a screeching halt or fade away. I’m sorry those actresses suffered the way they did, they worked so hard for so long to entertain us, and they didn’t deserve to be taken advantage of or traumatized. I kind of saw this– the stepping forward of Carpenter et al– coming ever since his ex-wife spoke up.

    I’m sorry you’ve been in pain, but that blanket is gorgeous.

    March 7, 2021
  17. Allison Schacht
    Allison Schacht

    I’ve been rewatching Buffy over the last couple of years and am currently watching season 7. Since I already own the dvds, I’ll continue watching. However, my friend, her husband and I have been writing a Buffy spin off on and off for over 20 years now, just to share with each other, and after the news came out about Joss Whedon’s behavior, I decided to break free from Buffy and redo my part of our stories (most of the characters in our stories are ones we created anyway – the only ones from the show that we use a lot are Giles and Faith although we have occasionally used other characters) with a new premise. So now I am rewriting the beginning. Who knows, now that it’s no longer based on Buffy, I might be able to write something that could be published. But I’m really just doing it because I always have stories in my head and I feel compelled to write them, even if it’s just for me and my friends.

    May 5, 2021

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