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Name Chedward’s Penis Contest WINNERS!

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As you may recall, if your memory is longer than a goldfish’s, I invited readers of this blog to submit their names for Christian Grey’s penis. Unfortunately, if you entered on Good Reads, your names weren’t included in the final consideration. When we went to GoodReads.com to survey your submissions there, all of those comments were GONE. Not even like, just a few were missing, ALL of them were missing. Like no one had ever commented on the post, and I know that wasn’t what went down, because I checked over there before. Now that I know GoodReads to be as inconstant as that famous whore, the moon, henceforth all contest entries will have to be given here, rather than there, and I apologize to those of you who had great names that got eaten up by internet goblins.

However, we do have a winner, three winners, to be exact, and the honorable mentions that round out our top ten.

So, without further ado, the winner of

  • Your choice of two titles from The Raven Books, graciously donated by Michelle M. Pillow and Mandy M. Roth!
  • One digital title from Leigh Ellewood’s backlist!
  • The Succubus Gift by BR Kingsolver!
  • Long Relief and Wolf’s Honor by Abigail Barnette
  • One digital title from Bronwyn Green’s backlist!
  • Put Out The Zombie, by Billy London
is…
RHYS ASTASON, “BUSTER HYMEN”
As I mentioned before, my cousin D-Rock helped pick the winners. As far as she was concerned, “Buster Hymen” was the hands down winner. She is positively enchanted with Buster Hymen, and has begun to call my husband “Buster” in tribute to it, much to his chagrin. Of course, I pointed out that her past nicknames for him (“Welshy Bitch”, “Butters”, “Triple Butters”, “Rutledge”, etc.) have all been about as equally obnoxious. So, congratulations, Rhys Astason, you have made a pretty mediocre enemy in my husband, and a devotee (for as long as her short-term memory holds out) of my cousin.
The second and third place winners, who will both win Long Relief and Wolf’s Honor from yours truly, are:
MeloBrown, “Ted Bundy”
Simone, “Barely Fits”
Ted Bundy? That is so amazingly dark, and perfectly apt considering who we’re talking about. Barely Fits is a fitting pun in the vein of “Buster Hymen”. Good job!
Now, the rest of our list don’t win any prizes (boo!) but they did have us rolling with laughter. They are, as follows:
Belle, “Dark Knight”
JennyJen, “Team Headward”
Paulina Bozek, “Tiberius”
Dakota Rebel, “Zinfindel”
JenniferK66, “Sir Jonathan Icedragon the third”
Brynn Paulin, “Charlie Tango jr.”
Leigh, “Shimmering Dom”

Good job, everyone who entered. We had a great time reading your submissions. If you’re one of our top three winners and you did not leave us contact info, please do so at this time, so we can get your prizes to you! By that, I mean, “MeloBrown and Simone, please get in touch with me so I can send you books!”

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4 Comments

  1. Audrey
    Audrey

    Haha, Buster Highman is my ex’s burlesque identity. XD

    January 26, 2015
    |Reply
  2. CrazyGoatLady
    CrazyGoatLady

    I would have gone with “The Subjugator”
    or “Percy and the Twins, Slayer of Virgins”

    Or maybe “el Pizzle” just so it would tie in with my new safe word phrase.

    “Fo’ shizzle my nizzle, el pizzle”

    February 6, 2015
    |Reply
  3. Adeline Raina
    Adeline Raina

    Jenny,

    I have been crying laughing at your recaps for days now; frequently staying up until 7am to read them because I can’t tear myself away. Fully intent on buying your books as your blog and humour has me in stitches.

    But these names… homyfuckinggods… crying laughing… I love ‘Ted Bundy’… so perfectly dark… And, given ELJames’s original pen name (‘Snowqueen’s Icedragon’ for anyone reading comments who doesn’t know), ‘Sir Jonathan Icedragon the third’, had me in stitches laughing .

    Moving on… I too, am horrified by the abuse and control in this book (I used to work for an Abuse Crisis Centre). It may be of interest to note, that recent media articles highlight the fact that ELJames is actually very much like Chedward in her working relationships with people: she screamed at people in the film studio daily to get her own way; and threatened to tell her fans to boycott the film if they didn’t do exactly what she wanted… the script was re-written by the award winning Patrick Marber* to try to get the dialogue and staging to a more mature and emotionally deep level, and she vetoed every single change he made, insisting upon her own dialogue in the film. She is now insisting on writing the second script herself… God help us.

    Therefore, I am left wondering if Chedward is a stalking controlling abuser due to ELJames having all the self awareness of a housebrick… was she unconsciously writing herself there, as many new authors do?… or in her case, “author”.

    A second point concerning power-relationships and ELJames’s ability to write: I actually want to go and read the dinner/contract negotiation scene now, as the film portrayed Ana as actually having a spine, and using some intellect to control the situation. It gave the illusion of equals negotiating as adults, and that she finally retained the control, teased Chedward, and left him hanging the way he did her… I somehow doubt the book was so elegantly written… I’m wondering if that scene (which is actually the best, and most sexually charged in the whole damned film), was one of Nancy Marcell’s (original scriptwriter) and Patrick Marber’s which ELJames didn’t completely veto.

    Third, as someone who has dated writers/authors, and as a trainee sociology academic (so learning to write right now, admittedly in a different style), ELJames’s writing triggered my gag reflex on the first page. I only made it to the end of the first sex scene before I gave it up as the literary non-style made me want to tear out my own eyeballs and bleach my brain… to think she is married to a scriptwriter for BBC’s ‘silent witness’ crime drama? How did he not point out to her her writing is worse than a junior-school-pupil? Oh that’s right, because he’s the Ana in the relationship. Silly me.

    Finally… thank you so much for picking up on one of my biggest bug bears with this whole fucking franchise: the guy is a billionaire, but he settles for mediocrity in all things: cheap (and terrible) wines; so-so cars; why wasn’t his piano a Steinway or Bossendorfer? the underwear he gives Ana in the film? yeah, I bought the same set three years ago, it cost less than £200 (I know good underwear, and he could have got her the top of the range La Perla some of it costing £1000 per item). Half the furniture in the film was MDF with veneer finishes (only made to look good due to a very skilled DoP and Director)… the only so-so food?.. and as for half the bondage gear… fucking seriously? A billionaire, who settles for mediocrity in his purchases and tastes? I think not… I don’t think ELJames would know quality and fine goods if they fell out of her arse… come to think of it, I doubt ELJames has the intellect to even find her own arse even with the aid of a map.

    Thank you so much for taking one for the team and writing these recaps. Three years later, they are being passed around my friends on facebook for their hilarious brilliance.

    *2004 film ‘Closer’, go watch it if you haven’t: amazing storytelling.

    March 18, 2015
    |Reply
  4. christin prustel
    christin prustel

    Wouldn’t hymen buster be the right way around?

    May 23, 2015
    |Reply

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